I was moving on and then he contacted me. Now I am broken all over again.

[Janni]

4 weeks of NC and I was learning how to be alone. I was doing better - Able to go to classes. I had blocked him on FB and my phone.

 

One evening, three days ago, I get an e-mail from him. About the deposit for our apartment. That's not important. But it ruined me, to see his name. And the e-mail was so cold. He used my name. He didn't apologize for anything. Rather he accused me of his financial problems.

 

I didn't respond. I have nothing to say to him. But I broke down and cried for two hours. My mother told me, her colleague who's a friend of my ex's, had told her a week or so ago, that he'd come to a birthday party. He'd looked like a caveman. His beard untrimmed and untouched. He looked horrible. He hadn't brought money to pay for the gift. He hadn't brought her with him. And he'd left soon again. Which is very unlike him. He always stays last.

 

Well. I thought I'd have some days of silence. But no. The next day his mother texts me. Telling me again, that it's her money and without them, she won't be able to throw the big birthday party she'd planned in January.

 

My ex borrowed money from his mother to pay the deposit when we moved in. And when we terminated the lease, he borrowed money from the bank to pay the new deposit, because he's got no money. He spends them on unnecessary gadgets.

 

I talked to my mom and dad about this, because it's broken me completely all over again. They both agree I don't owe him anything. That I shouldn't answer him.

 

But I don't know what to do. I am afraid he'll show up at my job or at my mother's door. Luckily he never got my new address.

 

How can someone you've loved and lived with for six years suddenly turn like that and become so selfish? My mother believes it's his depression, though it's not an excuse.

 

Furthermore, I am so broken that he'd contact me so coldly. No sorry, no I miss you. No nothing. It's like I mean **** to him. And that's heartbreaking.

[ponchsox]

Don't be worried about him. Protect your heart and move on. Don't waste time worrying about someone who doesn't want to be in your life.

[Janni]

I was doing all that. But now, that he keeps contacting me, I can't. It break my heart every time and destroys all progress.

[Mariposa10]

I have no idea whether you owe money or not. However, if you do owe him money, he'll keep bothering you, in that case just give it to him. He needs the money, so he'll keep bothering you. Do yourself a favor and get it over with so you can keep moving on. This is such a horrible setback, but if you find a way to fix it, do it soon so you can start healing again.

[Zahara]

Block his emails. And his text messages.

 

In any case, I would just pay him the money and slam that door shut. Money isn't worth all this emotional trauma.

[Janni]

I have no idea whether you owe money or not. However, if you do owe him money, he'll keep bothering you, in that case just give it to him. He needs the money, so he'll keep bothering you. Do yourself a favor and get it over with so you can keep moving on. This is such a horrible setback, but if you find a way to fix it, do it soon so you can start healing again.

 

Thank you. I was certain I did not owe him money. Though I have miscalculated and do owe him a little bit. But I know, even if I give them to him, he will keep bothering me, because he believes I owe him five or six times that. Which I don't.

[Janni]

Block his emails. And his text messages.

 

In any case, I would just pay him the money and slam that door shut. Money isn't worth all this emotional trauma.

 

It's a lot of money. And I don't owe them to him. But he believes I do. It will really have an impact on my finances if I give them to him, when they're actually mine.

 

Anyway, Should I just transfer the amount I miscalculated without any text/e-mail/anything? And keep NC? Or should I send him the calculation, as he wants?

I just really don't want to communicate with him in any way. All he's done for the last 6 weeks is hurt me, blame me, act cold and selfish and basically being really awful towards me.

[Zahara]

It's a lot of money. And I don't owe them to him. But he believes I do. It will really have an impact on my finances if I give them to him, when they're actually mine.

 

Anyway, Should I just transfer the amount I miscalculated without any text/e-mail/anything? And keep NC? Or should I send him the calculation, as he wants?

I just really don't want to communicate with him in any way. All he's done for the last 6 weeks is hurt me, blame me, act cold and selfish and basically being really awful towards me.

 

I think to get this money issue over, at least the miscalculated part, brief rundown as to what is what on an email and that's it. Then block him and block the mother.

[Janni]

I think to get this money issue over, at least the miscalculated part, brief rundown as to what is what on an email and that's it. Then block him and block the mother.

 

In an e-mail? Keeping it business-like?

 

I was thinking, if I had to answer him, I might say something like "Dear ****. I have attached my calculations. As you can see I found an inconsistency and will transfer the amount to your acount. Regards, Janni"

[Zahara]

In an e-mail? Keeping it business-like?

 

I was thinking, if I had to answer him, I might say something like "Dear ****. I have attached my calculations. As you can see I found an inconsistency and will transfer the amount to your acount. Regards, Janni"

 

In an email and business like:

 

There was a miscalculation and the amount will be transfered to your account:

 

XXX = $50

XXX = $100

 

Equals money owed = $150

 

No need for Dear, Regards, etc. And then block both him and mother.

[Janni]

In an email and business like:

 

There was a miscalculation and the amount will be transfered to your account:

 

XXX = $50

XXX = $100

 

Equals money owed = $150

 

No need for Dear, Regards, etc. And then block both him and mother.

 

Or maybe just transfer the money and write it in the text that's attached to the transfer? So saying "There was a miscalculation."

[Zahara]

Or maybe just transfer the money and write it in the text that's attached to the transfer? So saying "There was a miscalculation."

 

Yes, that is perfect.

[Janni]

Yes, that is perfect.

 

Thank you. I will do that then.

 

This is so awful. He's being so mean. Why does he act like he hates me, when I'm the one who should hate him? He's the one who's acted disrespectfully and badly.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I will do that then.

 

This is so awful. He's being so mean. Why does he act like he hates me, when I'm the one who should hate him? He's the one who's acted disrespectfully and badly.

 

Well, if he cheated and had no issues about hurting and disrespecting you then, why would you expect him to treat you with respect now? This is who he is. You have to lower your expectations to nothing when you are dealing with douchebags.

[Janni]

Well, if he cheated and had no issues about hurting and disrespecting you then, why would you expect him to treat you with respect now? This is who he is. You have to lower your expectations to nothing when you are dealing with douchebags.

 

You are right. It's so difficult to comprehend this massive turnaround. He was such a loving, caring person during our relationship. And suddenly he is so selfish. No one else than himself and what he wants, matters.

[Zahara]

You are right. It's so difficult to comprehend this massive turnaround. He was such a loving, caring person during our relationship. And suddenly he is so selfish. No one else than himself and what he wants, matters.

 

It's when they do the turnaround is when they're showing you who they are. See, if he was a loving and caring person, he would have consistently behaved that way because he doesn't know how to behave any other way but to be loving and caring. And even if conflict to arise, I am sure he wouldn't have dealt so coldly with you.

 

Just like you, if you are one way, would you suddenly go out and cheat, become ugly, selfish, cold, with zero conscience? I would say no, right?

[Janni]

It's when they do the turnaround is when they're showing you who they are. See, if he was a loving and caring person, he would have consistently behaved that way because he doesn't know how to behave any other way but to be loving and caring. And even if conflict to arise, I am sure he wouldn't have dealt so coldly with you.

 

Just like you, if you are one way, would you suddenly go out and cheat, become ugly, selfish, cold, with zero conscience? I would say no, right?

 

Well. Yes.. I guess you're right. But I do believe his depression has some say in it. Not saying he's not this bad person. He is. He's definitely proven that to me! I mean, not even apologizing once for contacting me, for cheating on me, for breaking my heart?

[Zahara]

Well. Yes.. I guess you're right. But I do believe his depression has some say in it. Not saying he's not this bad person. He is. He's definitely proven that to me! I mean, not even apologizing once for contacting me, for cheating on me, for breaking my heart?

 

Neh, I don't believe depression causes one to be void of a conscience. And even with the weight of depression, he still had the energy and drive to go out there and bang someone else.

[Janni]

Neh, I don't believe depression causes one to be void of a conscience. And even with the weight of depression, he still had the energy and drive to go out there and bang someone else.

 

No, I don't believe it's the whole reason either. And there is no excuse for his behavior. I am done with him and I've known that since I found out about her. I just want him to leave me alone. Give me the respect of letting me move on.

[Zahara]

No, I don't believe it's the whole reason either. And there is no excuse for his behavior. I am done with him and I've known that since I found out about her. I just want him to leave me alone. Give me the respect of letting me move on.

 

Good, block him and start that journey.

[Janni]

Good, block him and start that journey.

 

I have already blocked him every where I can think of. Instagram, Facebook, his number, both his e-mails on both of my e-mails and his mother's number.

[Janni]

I've transferred the money now. But I am still really affected by this. I was doing alright and now I feel horrible again.

[Lost_Dragon]

4 weeks of NC and I was learning how to be alone. I was doing better - Able to go to classes. I had blocked him on FB and my phone.

 

One evening, three days ago, I get an e-mail from him. About the deposit for our apartment. That's not important. But it ruined me, to see his name. And the e-mail was so cold. He used my name. He didn't apologize for anything. Rather he accused me of his financial problems.

 

I didn't respond. I have nothing to say to him. But I broke down and cried for two hours. My mother told me, her colleague who's a friend of my ex's, had told her a week or so ago, that he'd come to a birthday party. He'd looked like a caveman. His beard untrimmed and untouched. He looked horrible. He hadn't brought money to pay for the gift. He hadn't brought her with him. And he'd left soon again. Which is very unlike him. He always stays last.

 

Well. I thought I'd have some days of silence. But no. The next day his mother texts me. Telling me again, that it's her money and without them, she won't be able to throw the big birthday party she'd planned in January.

 

My ex borrowed money from his mother to pay the deposit when we moved in. And when we terminated the lease, he borrowed money from the bank to pay the new deposit, because he's got no money. He spends them on unnecessary gadgets.

 

I talked to my mom and dad about this, because it's broken me completely all over again. They both agree I don't owe him anything. That I shouldn't answer him.

 

But I don't know what to do. I am afraid he'll show up at my job or at my mother's door. Luckily he never got my new address.

 

How can someone you've loved and lived with for six years suddenly turn like that and become so selfish? My mother believes it's his depression, though it's not an excuse.

 

Furthermore, I am so broken that he'd contact me so coldly. No sorry, no I miss you. No nothing. It's like I mean **** to him. And that's heartbreaking.

I had a similar thing happen to me with my selfish ex. Months before our final breakup she wanted us to save money to get our own place again. Yet she was spending her money on Clothes, tattoos, jewelry and other things she didn't need. On top of that she flaunted everything on facebook. A hypocritical and selfish thing to do. After she made it clear that it is over and wanted no contact, she wanted me to give her my vehicle because its in her name. I payed every cent for it and she knows that. Its all about her selfishness and my feelings mean nothing to her. Like you, I'm willing to bend just to make her go away for good. I'm pretty sure that is the last thing she can hold over me. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself, but being selfish is what hurts others. They are the really lonely ones in all of this. They use and use until you catch on and then they hurt you because they know you see them for what they really are. Its okay to feel bad, at least you can FEEL something. Unlike those rapacious cretins.

[Janni]

I had a similar thing happen to me with my selfish ex. Months before our final breakup she wanted us to save money to get our own place again. Yet she was spending her money on Clothes, tattoos, jewelry and other things she didn't need. On top of that she flaunted everything on facebook. A hypocritical and selfish thing to do. After she made it clear that it is over and wanted no contact, she wanted me to give her my vehicle because its in her name. I payed every cent for it and she knows that. Its all about her selfishness and my feelings mean nothing to her. Like you, I'm willing to bend just to make her go away for good. I'm pretty sure that is the last thing she can hold over me. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself, but being selfish is what hurts others. They are the really lonely ones in all of this. They use and use until you catch on and then they hurt you because they know you see them for what they really are. Its okay to feel bad, at least you can FEEL something. Unlike those rapacious cretins.

 

Thank you for sharing this with me. It does help me, to see it like that. Though I am still really affected by it. But we just have to pull through. And as you say, I do believe the fact that I know him the way I do, I know when he's not fine even if he says he is, that probably had some impact on the whole thing too. It's easier to be with someone who doesn't know you and your actions, if you have something to hide or if you don't want help getting better.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Thank you for sharing this with me. It does help me, to see it like that. Though I am still really affected by it. But we just have to pull through. And as you say, I do believe the fact that I know him the way I do, I know when he's not fine even if he says he is, that probably had some impact on the whole thing too. It's easier to be with someone who doesn't know you and your actions, if you have something to hide or if you don't want help getting better.

 

Janni,

 

Hope all is well (and that you remember me) .. How is everything going with you? I just tried to read these last comments about this new situation that has occurred .. I hope you're doing better, from last time we we're talking, it seemed like you were starting to feel better (any progression is always good) .. Let me know how you are now, I'm here to talk to you. *Note - I did read and see you paid him some money which I believe is the right thing to do so now he can be out of your life for good, everytime he comes back in, those feelings come back and you need to shut everything he could be involved with in your life OUT, and move on.