I was moving on and then he contacted me. Now I am broken all over again.

[Janni]

Janni,

 

Hope all is well (and that you remember me) .. How is everything going with you? I just tried to read these last comments about this new situation that has occurred .. I hope you're doing better, from last time we we're talking, it seemed like you were starting to feel better (any progression is always good) .. Let me know how you are now, I'm here to talk to you. *Note - I did read and see you paid him some money which I believe is the right thing to do so now he can be out of your life for good, everytime he comes back in, those feelings come back and you need to shut everything he could be involved with in your life OUT, and move on.

 

Hey. Thank you for checking up on me. That is so nice of you! I am doing okay I guess. Still affected by the whole e-mail and money-thing. He's so stupid. But i try to go on like before. This weekend I am going out friday, saturday and sunday. And I went to the movies with a friend last weekend. So I am very proud of myself.

 

I believe it was the right thing for me too, to transfer the money I owed him. I don't know if he's saitsfied, as I have blocked ALL means of communication. Even his mother's number. Which really shouldn't have been necessary. Oh well.

 

How are you holding up?

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Hey. Thank you for checking up on me. That is so nice of you! I am doing okay I guess. Still affected by the whole e-mail and money-thing. He's so stupid. But i try to go on like before. This weekend I am going out friday, saturday and sunday. And I went to the movies with a friend last weekend. So I am very proud of myself.

 

Truthfully, for him to come at you like that in a mercenary way is wrong on all levels, and I feel bad you have to succumb (for lack of a better word) to him after all he has done to you. I really hope this money transfer and blockage has finally put him away and you can move on with your life.

 

I believe it was the right thing for me too, to transfer the money I owed him. I don't know if he's saitsfied, as I have blocked ALL means of communication. Even his mother's number. Which really shouldn't have been necessary. Oh well.

 

To be honest with you, stop worrying about if HE is satisfied. Only worry about you, Janni, that's all that matters. You did what he wanted you to do (Which was give him the $$) and now it's you who needs to move on which you have been doing so greatly. If he still isn't satisfied, than he has serious issues which you need no part of. You did the perfect thing, which was to block all communication between him and his family (him more importantly) and it's time to start focusing on your self. You are going out more, being more social which is great. Friends are ALWAYS the perfect ingredient to get your mind off something like this. Just keep the brain working and focusing on other (happy) things, and eventually that deep cut will scar up and you will be on your way to a happy life again.

 

How are you holding up?

 

I've been eh the last couple days. Since what I said to her she tried calling me once than a couple days later texting me, but I never responded. She hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm starting to think though that maybe I shouldn't have done NC. This past weekend I actually thought about it a lot and my train-of-thought was should I have just kept being friends with her and be the guy she could go to if she ever needed anything just in case she needs somebody to talk to or something. Now, I know previously I stated that every time we did talk I got those feelings back and it was hard to talk to her, but I think with these past couple weeks being away from it and having time to think, I feel like I need to be there for her just in case she needs something. I am not one to end friendships with anybody, I have a lot of friends because they know how much I appreciate them, and how honest and good of a person I am, I don't single anybody out. I'm a good person at heart, and people appreciate that. So, I don't know what to do. If I should let her know that I'm here for her if she needs anything, or just to go about the same business I've been doing?

[Janni]

Truthfully, for him to come at you like that in a mercenary way is wrong on all levels, and I feel bad you have to succumb (for lack of a better word) to him after all he has done to you. I really hope this money transfer and blockage has finally put him away and you can move on with your life.

 

Wow. Thank you. I really felt wronged there too. I hope he's done and can see his errors. All he get's out of it is me resenting him more.

 

To be honest with you, stop worrying about if HE is satisfied. Only worry about you, Janni, that's all that matters. You did what he wanted you to do (Which was give him the $$) and now it's you who needs to move on which you have been doing so greatly. If he still isn't satisfied, than he has serious issues which you need no part of. You did the perfect thing, which was to block all communication between him and his family (him more importantly) and it's time to start focusing on your self. You are going out more, being more social which is great. Friends are ALWAYS the perfect ingredient to get your mind off something like this. Just keep the brain working and focusing on other (happy) things, and eventually that deep cut will scar up and you will be on your way to a happy life again.

 

I know it sounds as if I'm worried about him. It's not exactly like that. It's more.. I am worried if he's satisfied, because if he isn't, he'll try to contact me again and I don't want that. So I'm actually more worried he'll contact me again, since I didn't transfer him all the money he thinks I owe him, as I do not owe that much to him. I transferred only a small amount I owed him because of a miscalculation on my part. So in his mind, he might still believe I owe him money and try to get them from me, since he owes so much money to friends, family and the bank. But I hope I wont hear from him.

 

I've been eh the last couple days. Since what I said to her she tried calling me once than a couple days later texting me, but I never responded. She hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm starting to think though that maybe I shouldn't have done NC. This past weekend I actually thought about it a lot and my train-of-thought was should I have just kept being friends with her and be the guy she could go to if she ever needed anything just in case she needs somebody to talk to or something. Now, I know previously I stated that every time we did talk I got those feelings back and it was hard to talk to her, but I think with these past couple weeks being away from it and having time to think, I feel like I need to be there for her just in case she needs something. I am not one to end friendships with anybody, I have a lot of friends because they know how much I appreciate them, and how honest and good of a person I am, I don't single anybody out. I'm a good person at heart, and people appreciate that. So, I don't know what to do. If I should let her know that I'm here for her if she needs anything, or just to go about the same business I've been doing?

 

I understand the thought process. I've been there too. But what I noticed when reading your post, was that every reason you gave for staying friends, was about her. So she would have someone. So she wouldn't be alone. So she.. etc. You didn't state one reason this friendship would benefit you and you sound very concerned with what people might think about you if you don't stay friends with her.

 

So based on that, I don't think you should involve yourself with her. It's not in YOUR best interest. And YOU are the single most important person in your life. So if you can honestly tell yourself, that this friendship would make your life better and easier and in no way harm you, then go for it. But I don't think you can.

 

It sounds to me like you want to stay friends because you miss her and if she doesnt want you as her bf, then at least you can be her friend so you wont loose her completely and maybe you'll get back together in the end. - This thought process is not healthy for you. I hope you do what's best for you. and only you.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Wow. Thank you. I really felt wronged there too. I hope he's done and can see his errors. All he get's out of it is me resenting him more.

 

I hope so too, and it's not fair to you if he keeps badgering you with these stupid inane requests! You don't deserve it.

 

I know it sounds as if I'm worried about him. It's not exactly like that. It's more.. I am worried if he's satisfied, because if he isn't, he'll try to contact me again and I don't want that. So I'm actually more worried he'll contact me again, since I didn't transfer him all the money he thinks I owe him, as I do not owe that much to him. I transferred only a small amount I owed him because of a miscalculation on my part. So in his mind, he might still believe I owe him money and try to get them from me, since he owes so much money to friends, family and the bank. But I hope I wont hear from him.

 

Ok, I see where you're coming from. Listen, you did exactly what you needed to do, which was give him the $$ you owed. You also broke down the miscalculation you found and described it for him as well. He needs to accept the fact that he lost his money and owes HIS money to other people, and he can not go to you for his financial problems/issues. If he doesn't accept what the correct amount that you do owe him, and he tries to fight for more money, that is a serious problem, which may have to be dealt with legally in front of somebody, but that's a whole other situation. For now, be content that you did everything you were suppose to do, and you did it perfectly. Try to put away the thought of is he is satisfied or not, which I can understand be scary, but if this constantly looms over your head, you will never be able to think clearly, and go about your days in a healthy state of mind.

 

 

 

I understand the thought process. I've been there too. But what I noticed when reading your post, was that every reason you gave for staying friends, was about her. So she would have someone. So she wouldn't be alone. So she.. etc. You didn't state one reason this friendship would benefit you and you sound very concerned with what people might think about you if you don't stay friends with her.

 

So based on that, I don't think you should involve yourself with her. It's not in YOUR best interest. And YOU are the single most important person in your life. So if you can honestly tell yourself, that this friendship would make your life better and easier and in no way harm you, then go for it. But I don't think you can.

 

It sounds to me like you want to stay friends because you miss her and if she doesnt want you as her bf, then at least you can be her friend so you wont loose her completely and maybe you'll get back together in the end. - This thought process is not healthy for you. I hope you do what's best for you. and only you.

 

I see what you mean, you're right. I've tried few times before and told my self I can talk to her and it won't harm me, but every time she would say bf/gf comments I'd get sucked back in and then she'd go days and sometimes a couple weeks with out answering and that's when I'd get so mad. I do miss her, you're right, but I think I'm starting to accept the fact we won't be getting back together which does hurt, but not talking to her hurts a lot too. That's why I was trying to tell my self some communication would be better than none, but who even knows what communication that'd be - Once every 3 weeks? If we talked almost every day or a couple days a week that'd be amazing, but clearly that can't happen because I she barely has ever even tried to do that, which should be my answer I assume

[Janni]

I hope so too, and it's not fair to you if he keeps badgering you with these stupid inane requests! You don't deserve it.

 

Thank you. That's so nice of you.

 

Ok, I see where you're coming from. Listen, you did exactly what you needed to do, which was give him the $$ you owed. You also broke down the miscalculation you found and described it for him as well. He needs to accept the fact that he lost his money and owes HIS money to other people, and he can not go to you for his financial problems/issues. If he doesn't accept what the correct amount that you do owe him, and he tries to fight for more money, that is a serious problem, which may have to be dealt with legally in front of somebody, but that's a whole other situation. For now, be content that you did everything you were suppose to do, and you did it perfectly. Try to put away the thought of is he is satisfied or not, which I can understand be scary, but if this constantly looms over your head, you will never be able to think clearly, and go about your days in a healthy state of mind.

 

Well. I didn't break the miscalculation down for him, because I didn't want to answer him. So I just transferred the money with a message on the transfer saying "Miscalculation." and never responded to his e-mail or his mother's text. I do wonder, if I should check my phone to see if he's texted/called me, just to kinda know what state of mind he's in? Even though I know it wouldn't be good for me. But then I'd know if he's furious and if I should be scared/alert or if everything's good.

 

I see what you mean, you're right. I've tried few times before and told my self I can talk to her and it won't harm me, but every time she would say bf/gf comments I'd get sucked back in and then she'd go days and sometimes a couple weeks with out answering and that's when I'd get so mad. I do miss her, you're right, but I think I'm starting to accept the fact we won't be getting back together which does hurt, but not talking to her hurts a lot too. That's why I was trying to tell my self some communication would be better than none, but who even knows what communication that'd be - Once every 3 weeks? If we talked almost every day or a couple days a week that'd be amazing, but clearly that can't happen because I she barely has ever even tried to do that, which should be my answer I assume

 

You are still very dependent on her. And I understand that. It took me some time too and I am still dependent on my ex. But remember, what friendship would it be, where you keep hoping for more, keep getting hurt and just always is there for her but not the other way around?

 

How would you feel, if the friendship worked and she started telling you about guys she liked/dated? I don't think you'd be able to handle that. So please don't do it to yourself. You're worth so much more.

 

And please stop letting her reject you. You can reject her too and decide, that you won't accept this anymore. Instead of saying "If we talked almost every day or a couple days a week that'd be amazing, but clearly that can't happen because I she barely has ever even tried to do that, which should be my answer I assume." Do you really want to be this man, waiting for her to contact you, always standing by if she would want to see you for 5 minutes, letting her walk all over you? I know it's difficult, but it's easier to be the dumpee if you choose not the have her in your life as a friend. It gives some sort of strength and power, to be able to say no and "dump" her.

Edited November 4, 2013 by Janni

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Thank you. That's so nice of you.

 

 

 

Well. I didn't break the miscalculation down for him, because I didn't want to answer him. So I just transferred the money with a message on the transfer saying "Miscalculation." and never responded to his e-mail or his mother's text. I do wonder, if I should check my phone to see if he's texted/called me, just to kinda know what state of mind he's in? Even though I know it wouldn't be good for me. But then I'd know if he's furious and if I should be scared/alert or if everything's good.

 

I'd think that he would understand your intent, and see you wrote miscalculation and the amount. If he doesn't understand that common sense, he received terrible schooling. He should realize what you were trying to give him and not have to contact you again. That's a tough spot to be in don't get me wrong; If you check your phone and he did say something - How will you feel? Are you OK enough to be able to see something from him and not be disordered, rattled? On the other side, maybe seeing something from him acknowledging what you did would be a good thing, but what are the chances of that? I think you should let it go for now, know you did the right thing and move on from this.

 

 

You are still very dependent on her. And I understand that. It took me some time too and I am still dependent on my ex. But remember, what friendship would it be, where you keep hoping for more, keep getting hurt and just always is there for her but not the other way around?

 

How would you feel, if the friendship worked and she started telling you about guys she liked/dated? I don't think you'd be able to handle that. So please don't do it to yourself. You're worth so much more.

 

And please stop letting her reject you. You can reject her too and decide, that you won't accept this anymore. Instead of saying "If we talked almost every day or a couple days a week that'd be amazing, but clearly that can't happen because I she barely has ever even tried to do that, which should be my answer I assume." Do you really want to be this man, waiting for her to contact you, always standing by if she would want to see you for 5 minutes, letting her walk all over you? I know it's difficult, but it's easier to be the dumpee if you choose not the have her in your life as a friend. It gives some sort of strength and power, to be able to say no and "dump" her.

 

Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't be able to handle that, and I for sure never would want to be in that friend zone. And I also don't want to be that guy on a leash just sitting and waiting for the possibility of receiving the treat. I was the dumpee in a way when I did tell her we can't talk right now because of the current situation when she told me she couldn't come up to the wedding because she was kinda seeing somebody. In a way though, I think that there is a possibility we may never speak again which is kinda scary to think about. She did reach out those couple times after I told her that, and I didn't respond and there's been nothing since, so either she just gave up or realized I was being serious this time and am trying to move on.

[Janni]

I'd think that he would understand your intent, and see you wrote miscalculation and the amount. If he doesn't understand that common sense, he received terrible schooling. He should realize what you were trying to give him and not have to contact you again. That's a tough spot to be in don't get me wrong; If you check your phone and he did say something - How will you feel? Are you OK enough to be able to see something from him and not be disordered, rattled? On the other side, maybe seeing something from him acknowledging what you did would be a good thing, but what are the chances of that? I think you should let it go for now, know you did the right thing and move on from this.

 

A month ago I'd said I was fairly certain he'd thanked me for the transfer. But I don't know anymore. He is action so irrational. So out of character. This whole situation is so out of character for him. It's like some stranger I've never known. So I probably shouldn't check. I just want to know if he's threatening me and stuff. But it would definitely hurt me. Very much. So probably better not to know, right?

 

Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't be able to handle that, and I for sure never would want to be in that friend zone. And I also don't want to be that guy on a leash just sitting and waiting for the possibility of receiving the treat. I was the dumpee in a way when I did tell her we can't talk right now because of the current situation when she told me she couldn't come up to the wedding because she was kinda seeing somebody. In a way though, I think that there is a possibility we may never speak again which is kinda scary to think about. She did reach out those couple times after I told her that, and I didn't respond and there's been nothing since, so either she just gave up or realized I was being serious this time and am trying to move on.

 

Exactly. You are so much better than that. And she will miss you. She probably already do, since she wants you as her friend and everything. But now is the time to say "F*** you. I am better off. I deserve better and you will regret this. You'll never find someone as great as me. It's your loss. I'm moving on." And try to stay strong. I know it's not easy, but you sound like such a great guy and you deserve so much better!

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

A month ago I'd said I was fairly certain he'd thanked me for the transfer. But I don't know anymore. He is action so irrational. So out of character. This whole situation is so out of character for him. It's like some stranger I've never known. So I probably shouldn't check. I just want to know if he's threatening me and stuff. But it would definitely hurt me. Very much. So probably better not to know, right?

 

Probably better to not know, he is no reason to "threaten" you and that's actually against the law. You gave him what he wanted and now he needs to go away, you can't be around any of his antics anymore and you can't keep going back to things that remind you of him. You need to take baby steps to eventually get everything out of your life that has to do with him, and that will help you get over this so much better. If you keep going in reverse, you're never gonna cross the finish line.

 

Exactly. You are so much better than that. And she will miss you. She probably already do, since she wants you as her friend and everything. But now is the time to say "F*** you. I am better off. I deserve better and you will regret this. You'll never find someone as great as me. It's your loss. I'm moving on." And try to stay strong. I know it's not easy, but you sound like such a great guy and you deserve so much better!

 

Your right, it's def. not easy .. I guess only time will tell it's just tough to let go. I feel like I made the right decision by stopping contact between us but there's always that other side of you giving you that weird feeling, unsure if it was the right choice kinda thing.

[Janni]

Probably better to not know, he is no reason to "threaten" you and that's actually against the law. You gave him what he wanted and now he needs to go away, you can't be around any of his antics anymore and you can't keep going back to things that remind you of him. You need to take baby steps to eventually get everything out of your life that has to do with him, and that will help you get over this so much better. If you keep going in reverse, you're never gonna cross the finish line.

 

You are right. I have to cut him out of my live 100%. I can't wait for the day when I will stop thinking of him. Stop feeling so sad and terrible all day long. Even though I go to school and I still have this feeling in my stomach. I feel so sad and depressed on the inside. I feel so empty. It's horrible.

 

Your right, it's def. not easy .. I guess only time will tell it's just tough to let go. I feel like I made the right decision by stopping contact between us but there's always that other side of you giving you that weird feeling, unsure if it was the right choice kinda thing.

 

I was right where you are just three weeks ago. I was so afraid of letting go. But when you have the courage to take that step, you will feel relieved. And you are doing so great already. I know that feeling and it's horrible. But it will get better. soon.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

You are right. I have to cut him out of my live 100%. I can't wait for the day when I will stop thinking of him. Stop feeling so sad and terrible all day long. Even though I go to school and I still have this feeling in my stomach. I feel so sad and depressed on the inside. I feel so empty. It's horrible.

 

So how did this past weekend go with your friends? Did you make a step towards getting him out of your head and have a good time? That will always help, when you keep yourself busy and having a good time and smiling. That will get rid of that empty feeling and depression feeling. Getting outside, being active and happy are the perfect ingredients.

 

 

 

I was right where you are just three weeks ago. I was so afraid of letting go. But when you have the courage to take that step, you will feel relieved. And you are doing so great already. I know that feeling and it's horrible. But it will get better. soon.

 

I feel like I did take that step, it's just tough. It's tough also because somehow, someway, she is literally on my mind every day. Even though it doesn't really affect my every day living, I still think about her every day. That's the toughest part. I don't know what to do.

[Janni]

So how did this past weekend go with your friends? Did you make a step towards getting him out of your head and have a good time? That will always help, when you keep yourself busy and having a good time and smiling. That will get rid of that empty feeling and depression feeling. Getting outside, being active and happy are the perfect ingredients.

 

Thanks for asking. It went okay. I thought about my ex a few times, because I sometimes did those things with him. I even expected my friend to react and say the things my ex would. But luckily I didn't see my ex! That was one of my fears. This weekend I am going out for dinner and party afterwards both Friday (tomorrow) and Saturday. And Sunday I'm going to see my grandparents and the rest of my family. Hopefully it'll be a good weekend. What are your plans for the weekend?

 

 

I feel like I did take that step, it's just tough. It's tough also because somehow, someway, she is literally on my mind every day. Even though it doesn't really affect my every day living, I still think about her every day. That's the toughest part. I don't know what to do.

 

That's good. I still think about my ex every day too. It's so tough and disabling. But it gets better. Even though I still think about him every day, it's gotten better too. I haven't cried in over a week and I'm kinda proud, though it sounds stupid. And I'm proud of you too! You're doing the right thing.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Thanks for asking. It went okay. I thought about my ex a few times, because I sometimes did those things with him. I even expected my friend to react and say the things my ex would. But luckily I didn't see my ex! That was one of my fears. This weekend I am going out for dinner and party afterwards both Friday (tomorrow) and Saturday. And Sunday I'm going to see my grandparents and the rest of my family. Hopefully it'll be a good weekend. What are your plans for the weekend?

 

Yeah, that is understandable. Every so often him crossing your mind is bound to happen, especially if those events are distilled in your memory bank. That sounds great you are being proactive and hanging out with your friends. Like I said earlier, that is the perfect ingredient to get passed something like this. I also have plans with my friends and family, so it'll be good to keep busy, that's for sure!

 

 

That's good. I still think about my ex every day too. It's so tough and disabling. But it gets better. Even though I still think about him every day, it's gotten better too. I haven't cried in over a week and I'm kinda proud, though it sounds stupid. And I'm proud of you too! You're doing the right thing.

 

It is tough, I will agree with you on that one. Being that you haven't cried ABSOLUTELY means you are progressing in your healing process! Thank you. Yeah, I do have one question, albeit may sound weird. So, I saw today she has sent me a snapchat to my phone and I don't know if I should open it because when you open it, it'll show that person you saw it. Should I just ignore it? I don't know if she meant to include me on it or if this one she sent to just me because I know with snapchat you can send to numerous people at one time if you choose to. What do you think?

[Janni]

Yeah, that is understandable. Every so often him crossing your mind is bound to happen, especially if those events are distilled in your memory bank. That sounds great you are being proactive and hanging out with your friends. Like I said earlier, that is the perfect ingredient to get passed something like this. I also have plans with my friends and family, so it'll be good to keep busy, that's for sure!

 

Sounds good. What do you have planned with your friends and family?

 

It is tough, I will agree with you on that one. Being that you haven't cried ABSOLUTELY means you are progressing in your healing process! Thank you. Yeah, I do have one question, albeit may sound weird. So, I saw today she has sent me a snapchat to my phone and I don't know if I should open it because when you open it, it'll show that person you saw it. Should I just ignore it? I don't know if she meant to include me on it or if this one she sent to just me because I know with snapchat you can send to numerous people at one time if you choose to. What do you think?

 

Oh. That's a tough one. Personally I might just click it without looking, let it run it's time and then it's one forever and I haven't seen it. I would do this, because I couldn't handle seeing my ex - no matter whether it was meant for me or just a mistake, when he send it to everyone else. I wouldn't care that he could see I had opened it. I probably even think I'd like it, as he'd know I choose not to answer him. What do you think? Do you want to open it? If you had to think about yourself and exclude anything about "She can see I opened it", "she might think.." "she.." "she.." "she..". If you should only think about yourself.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Sounds good. What do you have planned with your friends and family?

 

Movies and probably a dinner .. Always good to get to relax with the fam. What about you?

 

 

 

Oh. That's a tough one. Personally I might just click it without looking, let it run it's time and then it's one forever and I haven't seen it. I would do this, because I couldn't handle seeing my ex - no matter whether it was meant for me or just a mistake, when he send it to everyone else. I wouldn't care that he could see I had opened it. I probably even think I'd like it, as he'd know I choose not to answer him. What do you think? Do you want to open it? If you had to think about yourself and exclude anything about "She can see I opened it", "she might think.." "she.." "she.." "she..". If you should only think about yourself.

 

Yes, agreed, definitely tough and the plot thickens. She sent me a text message this morning saying Hey and asking how life is and stuff. NOW I'm in a predicament. I still haven't looked at the snapchat AND I have the setting on my phone that will show the person when I read their text message. I haven't "read" her text message but I could see what it said when it popped up on my phone. Really not sure what to do here. Read it and completely ignore it which would be sticking to my guns, or do I reiterate to her what I told her a couple weeks ago with the no talking thing. Do I respond and tell her again why it's best her and I don't talk. Hah, oh man, you have any insight on what I should do?

[Janni]

Movies and probably a dinner .. Always good to get to relax with the fam. What about you?

 

 

I went so a dinner event yesterday, where you get teamed up with 5 strangers. Met some really sweet people and one guy I found kind of attracting. But don't know if he saw anything in me. And if I should even do anything about it or just take a break from anything to do with love. Today I am going to a Christmas dinner (traditionel in my country) to eat lots and lots of amazing food, play games and then party! And then Sunday I am going to another traditional dinner with my family. Yummy.

 

Yes, agreed, definitely tough and the plot thickens. She sent me a text message this morning saying Hey and asking how life is and stuff. NOW I'm in a predicament. I still haven't looked at the snapchat AND I have the setting on my phone that will show the person when I read their text message. I haven't "read" her text message but I could see what it said when it popped up on my phone. Really not sure what to do here. Read it and completely ignore it which would be sticking to my guns, or do I reiterate to her what I told her a couple weeks ago with the no talking thing. Do I respond and tell her again why it's best her and I don't talk. Hah, oh man, you have any insight on what I should do?

 

I definitely think you should read the text and delete it without answering. You have nothing new to say to her. I understand that you have this urge to answer her - I would too, and I did once, but I've regretted it ever since - and it will only bring more heartbreak. So please ignore her. You already told her, you dont want to talk for your own good. And by texting you and sending you a snapchat, she's not respecting you or your wishes. Is that a person you want to talk to? Someone who doesn't respect your wishes or well being and only thin about what they want? I also still believe you should open the snapchat without looking and let it "run its course." so you cant check it.

[skydiveaddict]

 

Furthermore, I am so broken that he'd contact me so coldly. No sorry, no I miss you. No nothing. It's like I mean **** to him. And that's heartbreaking.

 

I'm sorry for you. Everybody Hurts sometimes.

 

Hang tough. You will be ok.

 

sda.

Edited November 9, 2013 by skydiveaddict

[Janni]

I'm sorry for you. Everybody Hurts sometimes.

 

Hang tough. You will be ok.

 

sda.

 

Thank you sda. I try to hang in there.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I went so a dinner event yesterday, where you get teamed up with 5 strangers. Met some really sweet people and one guy I found kind of attracting. But don't know if he saw anything in me. And if I should even do anything about it or just take a break from anything to do with love. Today I am going to a Christmas dinner (traditionel in my country) to eat lots and lots of amazing food, play games and then party! And then Sunday I am going to another traditional dinner with my family. Yummy.

 

Wow, that sounds pretty cool. It may be a little too quick to try and force something, but being that you can look at other people, find interest, and kind of want to possibly pursue something is great progress. Taking a break from all that and just focusing on your self is always a great move, and it takes a lot of the stress away from everything. Food / Games / Party = amazing time .. What country is this? Sounds like a jam packed weekend, good for you! Enjoy it, holiday season is always a great time of year.

 

 

 

I definitely think you should read the text and delete it without answering. You have nothing new to say to her. I understand that you have this urge to answer her - I would too, and I did once, but I've regretted it ever since - and it will only bring more heartbreak. So please ignore her. You already told her, you dont want to talk for your own good. And by texting you and sending you a snapchat, she's not respecting you or your wishes. Is that a person you want to talk to? Someone who doesn't respect your wishes or well being and only thin about what they want? I also still believe you should open the snapchat without looking and let it "run its course." so you cant check it.

 

Yeah, you're right about that urge. I'm also used to answering her stuff, never had gone NC like this before, so it feels unsettling. Every time I did answer her it would go back to the same texting games and bring that regret feeling back. I definitely agree with what you're saying, and it's the right moves to do what you are mentioning. I opened the snap chat and it shows up so fast it's hard to not see it. It was a picture of a list of names and one person on that list had my last name on it and she circled it and said "Thought of you." I also read the text and didn't respond. What do you think? Are these just breadcrumbs to try and get me to start answering her again? Or do you think she is really trying to talk to me?

[Janni]

Wow, that sounds pretty cool. It may be a little too quick to try and force something, but being that you can look at other people, find interest, and kind of want to possibly pursue something is great progress. Taking a break from all that and just focusing on your self is always a great move, and it takes a lot of the stress away from everything. Food / Games / Party = amazing time .. What country is this? Sounds like a jam packed weekend, good for you! Enjoy it, holiday season is always a great time of year.

 

 

Yes. Unfortunately this evening wasn't so great. I felt sad and like I didn't belong, so now I'm on my way home. I did stay five hours, to see if it got better.

I am from Denmark. So it was a traditional danish Christmas dinner.

Okay, so maybe just stay friendly, but not try and do anything? Just let it be and if anything happens, it happens and if not, it doesn't? Or should I completely go into "celibacy"?

 

Yeah, you're right about that urge. I'm also used to answering her stuff, never had gone NC like this before, so it feels unsettling. Every time I did answer her it would go back to the same texting games and bring that regret feeling back. I definitely agree with what you're saying, and it's the right moves to do what you are mentioning. I opened the snap chat and it shows up so fast it's hard to not see it. It was a picture of a list of names and one person on that list had my last name on it and she circled it and said "Thought of you." I also read the text and didn't respond. What do you think? Are these just breadcrumbs to try and get me to start answering her again? Or do you think she is really trying to talk to me?

 

I definitely believe this is breadcrumbs. She is not asking you to talk, she isn't doing anything to make it seem otherwise. She's just sending breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. And this is where it gets tough and your determination is put to the test. Don't answer her. Maybe you should even block her. I understand just how hard this is. Just as recent as last night did I dream that my ex had sent me a bunch of messages and wanted to reconcile. We have to stay determined.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Yes. Unfortunately this evening wasn't so great. I felt sad and like I didn't belong, so now I'm on my way home. I did stay five hours, to see if it got better.

I am from Denmark. So it was a traditional danish Christmas dinner.

Okay, so maybe just stay friendly, but not try and do anything? Just let it be and if anything happens, it happens and if not, it doesn't? Or should I completely go into "celibacy"?

 

I see. Well, there are certain settings and environments where you won't feel like you belong and just may have been one of them. It happens, that's normal for sure. Denmark, that's cool. I like country traditions and stuff like that, it's really interesting to me. Yeah, staying friendly for right now is a great idea. It'll keep it interesting, without the stress. But, hey, if you do feel like this is something you want to pursue, and feel strong enough to be able to pursue, why not try it? When opportunities knock, I like to answer. Every opportunity won't work out, that's just how life goes, but I would have to look back and say what if? I don't mind rejection, I like taking chances. A lot of people are afraid of rejection, so many are shy and won't pursue certain things. I say, F it, haha. If I get rejected or if something fails, OH WELL. On to the next one. It's not like anything else changed right? But, I digress. You should do what your gut is telling you to do. If you're not ready, than that's your body telling you that you're not ready. Don't force anything, ever. Let life takes its course. How do you feel? Can you try and pursue something?

 

 

I definitely believe this is breadcrumbs. She is not asking you to talk, she isn't doing anything to make it seem otherwise. She's just sending breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. And this is where it gets tough and your determination is put to the test. Don't answer her. Maybe you should even block her. I understand just how hard this is. Just as recent as last night did I dream that my ex had sent me a bunch of messages and wanted to reconcile. We have to stay determined.

 

Very tough haha, that's for sure. Yeah, I was thinking the breadcrumbs move as well. Although, her saying "thinking about you" got me a little. She really has never said something like that in a longggg time. That is an interesting way of looking at it like you described, that she isn't asking me to actually talk, she's just asking questions about how life is going and stuff like that. I also have had a couple dreams about her too, so we're definitely in the same boat. Determination is key. It's so weird though, I was thinking to my self earlier, like, I'm not trying to ignore her so she completely goes away, I don't want her to go away forever, I just can't talk to her and be involved while she is "seeing" somebody and doing whatever she's doing. I got to this NC point because of all the texting games and stuff she used to pull with me, and then when I asked her to come up for my best friend's wedding a month ago and she told me she can't because she's seeing somebody, that's what was the final straw to me. So, do you still think I'm doing the right thing?

[Janni]

I see. Well, there are certain settings and environments where you won't feel like you belong and just may have been one of them. It happens, that's normal for sure. Denmark, that's cool. I like country traditions and stuff like that, it's really interesting to me. Yeah, staying friendly for right now is a great idea. It'll keep it interesting, without the stress. But, hey, if you do feel like this is something you want to pursue, and feel strong enough to be able to pursue, why not try it? When opportunities knock, I like to answer. Every opportunity won't work out, that's just how life goes, but I would have to look back and say what if? I don't mind rejection, I like taking chances. A lot of people are afraid of rejection, so many are shy and won't pursue certain things. I say, F it, haha. If I get rejected or if something fails, OH WELL. On to the next one. It's not like anything else changed right? But, I digress. You should do what your gut is telling you to do. If you're not ready, than that's your body telling you that you're not ready. Don't force anything, ever. Let life takes its course. How do you feel? Can you try and pursue something?

 

I guess I'm generally just not the type of person to trust people right away and bond easily. So I end up being the one who hasn't bonded or doesn't know anyone.

 

If I have to be brutally honest with myself I think I am trying to find I rebound. Or. My brain is. Because it thinks that's the easy way out. So I kinda know I am not ready for a relationship. It would be a quick fix to rid the bad feelings. When the best thing I can do for myself is to go through the storm. Let it make me stronger and use this crisis to get to know myself. Find out who I really am.

 

Very tough haha, that's for sure. Yeah, I was thinking the breadcrumbs move as well. Although, her saying "thinking about you" got me a little. She really has never said something like that in a longggg time. That is an interesting way of looking at it like you described, that she isn't asking me to actually talk, she's just asking questions about how life is going and stuff like that. I also have had a couple dreams about her too, so we're definitely in the same boat. Determination is key. It's so weird though, I was thinking to my self earlier, like, I'm not trying to ignore her so she completely goes away, I don't want her to go away forever, I just can't talk to her and be involved while she is "seeing" somebody and doing whatever she's doing. I got to this NC point because of all the texting games and stuff she used to pull with me, and then when I asked her to come up for my best friend's wedding a month ago and she told me she can't because she's seeing somebody, that's what was the final straw to me. So, do you still think I'm doing the right thing?

 

I definitely think you are doing the right thing. She's using you as her safety net. And right now she's testing that net - does it still hold up if I need it?

 

I suggest you read the last part you wrote to me. Does that sound like a girl you want in your life? I also think you need to stop saying to yourself "it's only temporary." Because you keep hopes up for yourself. When you say "for now" what you really mean/tell yourself is "maybe she will take me back" and this hinders your healing.

My therapist told me, that I need to get rid or all hopes. Just think of the worst thing that could happen and makes yourself see that's the actual situation. If you keep up hope, you're only making it worse for yourself. But if you pull away all hope and basically throw yourself at rock bottom, you can only go up. You can only be happily surprised. And that's better than being disappointed again and again and again.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I guess I'm generally just not the type of person to trust people right away and bond easily. So I end up being the one who hasn't bonded or doesn't know anyone.

 

If I have to be brutally honest with myself I think I am trying to find I rebound. Or. My brain is. Because it thinks that's the easy way out. So I kinda know I am not ready for a relationship. It would be a quick fix to rid the bad feelings. When the best thing I can do for myself is to go through the storm. Let it make me stronger and use this crisis to get to know myself. Find out who I really am.

 

Being guarded is understandable. A lot of people are after they have been through a rough situation/relationship. If you aren't good at bonding with people or don't really know how to approach somebody, that's all in the mind. I was the same way until I just started practicing it and honestly stopped caring what other people think/say. A lot of bonding and meeting people is being able to trust your self and have confidence in your self. Like they say, confidence is sexy. Once you are able to build that up, meeting people and talking to people becomes so much easier.

 

Yeah, if you are just looking for a rebound right now to temporarily heal the scars, then don't pursue. It's not fair to you and not fair to the other person, in case something does happen (feelings wise). It sounds like the best thing for you right now is focus on yourself. Take each and every day to focus on your self, your well-being, and to get your self back to square one. That will take long enough to where the scars will heal. Interacting with the social world, friends, family will aid in this process as well. Don't get me wrong, some interaction with other guys is o.k., but like you said before, just keep it friendly so it will keep life interesting and fun.

 

I definitely think you are doing the right thing. She's using you as her safety net. And right now she's testing that net - does it still hold up if I need it?

 

I suggest you read the last part you wrote to me. Does that sound like a girl you want in your life? I also think you need to stop saying to yourself "it's only temporary." Because you keep hopes up for yourself. When you say "for now" what you really mean/tell yourself is "maybe she will take me back" and this hinders your healing.

My therapist told me, that I need to get rid or all hopes. Just think of the worst thing that could happen and makes yourself see that's the actual situation. If you keep up hope, you're only making it worse for yourself. But if you pull away all hope and basically throw yourself at rock bottom, you can only go up. You can only be happily surprised. And that's better than being disappointed again and again and again.

 

Yeah, I agree completely. I do need to just stop with all the keeping hopes up, and focus on other things. I think now it's like, if she REALLY wanted to reach out to me and talk to me about serious stuff and how she feels she'd try to call and text me asking to talk about it right? She'd say hey I want to come visit because I miss you and want to see you, correct? That would definitely surprise me and actually show me she may want something again. Idk, I may be wrong, what do you think?

[Janni]

Being guarded is understandable. A lot of people are after they have been through a rough situation/relationship. If you aren't good at bonding with people or don't really know how to approach somebody, that's all in the mind. I was the same way until I just started practicing it and honestly stopped caring what other people think/say. A lot of bonding and meeting people is being able to trust your self and have confidence in your self. Like they say, confidence is sexy. Once you are able to build that up, meeting people and talking to people becomes so much easier.

 

I am being a bit guarded, but that's not the "problem." What I mean, is that most people bond easily. They meet a person once or twice and then they start telling that person personal stuff and open up and everything. I dont. I've known my classmates for almost three years and I dont consider them good friends. They're my friends but only because I go to class with them. When I stop uni, I wont see them again unless they initiate it, because I dont feel a bond between us and I dont feel like they are my friends. And this is how it goes with almost everyone I meet. Like, right now, I dont have a single person to talk with about my troubles. None of them shows interest or anything, like you do fx.

 

I told my "good" friend (best friends five years ago) about how i'd received an e-mail with an offer to go to venice and it upset me, because my ex and I always talked about going to venice again and how amazing it would be and everything. Do you know what his response was? "Okay." Such a great friend. My other "good" friend doesn't even call back when I have called her. That's the best friends I have. My ex was my very best friend and I am so lonely without him. And it's even worse now, because I am dealing with so many things where I really need the support and a friend and I have no one. (So I really really appreciate talking to you here)

 

Yeah, if you are just looking for a rebound right now to temporarily heal the scars, then don't pursue. It's not fair to you and not fair to the other person, in case something does happen (feelings wise). It sounds like the best thing for you right now is focus on yourself. Take each and every day to focus on your self, your well-being, and to get your self back to square one. That will take long enough to where the scars will heal. Interacting with the social world, friends, family will aid in this process as well. Don't get me wrong, some interaction with other guys is o.k., but like you said before, just keep it friendly so it will keep life interesting and fun.

 

I am not actively looking for a rebound. But I am still so heartbroken, that I believe my brain somehow tries to make up for it by trying to find some guy to focus on. Well. I'll just not try to initiate anything and let what happens, happen.

 

Yeah, I agree completely. I do need to just stop with all the keeping hopes up, and focus on other things. I think now it's like, if she REALLY wanted to reach out to me and talk to me about serious stuff and how she feels she'd try to call and text me asking to talk about it right? She'd say hey I want to come visit because I miss you and want to see you, correct? That would definitely surprise me and actually show me she may want something again. Idk, I may be wrong, what do you think?

 

 

You are doing it again. Turning it over to "Beside, she doesn't want to talk anyway." I has to be your decision. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. She doesn't matter.

 

I know you just told me how confident you are, but you dont seem too confident. You keep asking my opinion and seem very unsure of your own opinion. Maybe you need to sit yourself down and really get to the bottom of this. What do you want? Do you want to get over her and move on with your life? Or do you want to reconcile with her?

[yorkie]

you know what i know how you feel after two months i decdided to go NC and then when i next saw her she broke my heart again. it does get better trust me even though im no way over her i am now being stubborn and bullying myself to leave her alone they made the decisions to leave and they can be held responsible for that my ex is now telling her friends that i only let her see the kids when it suits me lol which is not the case at all she choose her job over me and the kids so she is trying to make herself look good! he sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for his choice dont let him pay the money and tell him to do one! you will find the right person hopefully sooner rather than later xx and dont let him make you feel guilty! there choice! they are responsible for there own actions and its denial on there part. still trying to hurt you, but dont let them!

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I am being a bit guarded, but that's not the "problem." What I mean, is that most people bond easily. They meet a person once or twice and then they start telling that person personal stuff and open up and everything. I dont. I've known my classmates for almost three years and I dont consider them good friends. They're my friends but only because I go to class with them. When I stop uni, I wont see them again unless they initiate it, because I dont feel a bond between us and I dont feel like they are my friends. And this is how it goes with almost everyone I meet. Like, right now, I dont have a single person to talk with about my troubles. None of them shows interest or anything, like you do fx.

 

I told my "good" friend (best friends five years ago) about how i'd received an e-mail with an offer to go to venice and it upset me, because my ex and I always talked about going to venice again and how amazing it would be and everything. Do you know what his response was? "Okay." Such a great friend. My other "good" friend doesn't even call back when I have called her. That's the best friends I have. My ex was my very best friend and I am so lonely without him. And it's even worse now, because I am dealing with so many things where I really need the support and a friend and I have no one. (So I really really appreciate talking to you here)

 

 

 

I am not actively looking for a rebound. But I am still so heartbroken, that I believe my brain somehow tries to make up for it by trying to find some guy to focus on. Well. I'll just not try to initiate anything and let what happens, happen.

 

Ok. I see what you're saying. I feel that if you don't meet somebody from when you are younger, it is a lot tougher to open up to somebody and bond with them. My closest friends are from when I was younger in HS/College and they still are now that I am closest with. People I meet now (I'm 27 yrs old) I don't really "bond" with just seem to get along with people if we have the same interests. Only my really good friends I'm close with, and they don't

even know EVERYTHING about my personal life. Only what I decide to make public. Sometimes you just gotta let things pan out with people, and accept who they are, but if you do meet people and you don't feel that click with them that's normal, and you won't create that bond. It's tough finding people who relate to you, but they are out there. Just have to have an open mind.

 

Yeah, for them to give you one word responses and not show that they care is really messed up. All you're trying to do is ask for help/advice and they can't even give it. Messed up if you ask me. I'm absolutely here to give you support, and I appreciate your feedback as well with my situation. We both are in situations where we can relate so we are bonding easily. That heartbroken scar will last a while, scars like that don't heal overnight, but you are correct and on the right path to not initiate anything right now and just let life lead you to where you need to be. It'll happen, and you'll know when it will happen. Just for right now let life takes its course and focus on yourself. Make yourself happy, it's not selfish, it's you trying to better your life and start smiling when you go to bed and smile when you wake up.

 

 

 

You are doing it again. Turning it over to "Beside, she doesn't want to talk anyway." I has to be your decision. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. She doesn't matter.

 

I know you just told me how confident you are, but you dont seem too confident. You keep asking my opinion and seem very unsure of your own opinion. Maybe you need to sit yourself down and really get to the bottom of this. What do you want? Do you want to get over her and move on with your life? Or do you want to reconcile with her?

 

Ok, so I did sit down and think about this. This may be a little bit of a long read-But I'm gonna give you justt about every detail of why I am here where I am right now, and if you could let me know what you think, that'd be amazing.

 

We dated while I was in grad school and she was undergrad (we went to same schoo). We dated for about 9 months but I broke up with her because she was young and made a couple immature mistakes, and I knew we just couldn't last because she needed to mature. So, when I moved home we were broken up ( in 2010). We kept conversations going through text and everything but she was dating somebody at that time. She would only talk to me when they weren't hanging out and I told her that's messed up but we kept doing it any way. Even after they stopped dating we kept talking and it would go back and forth, but she could never keep a consistent conversation, it'd be one or two texts and then she would disappear. This just kept getting me annoyed, but I still kept talking to her because of how I feel about her. We would keep this going for basically up until present day. Conversations that would bounce back and forth and almost every time she would just either send me a text and then not respond for days, sometimes a week or two. And then reach back out to me to talk and say Hey and see how everything is going, and then yes, disappear again. I would ask her to come up and visit but she said with school and work she's too busy to but she wants to eventually. One time she did tell me she was ready to come up and I told her I would pay for her ticket but when pushed came to shove, she never came up and backed out. Through all the conversations she would sometimes call me babe, say hey gorgeous and all this stuff, which always made me happy and locked in. So now I bring this to a couple weeks ago where I called her to ask if she could come up for my best friend's wedding and with her telling me it'd be a bad idea because she's seeing somebody, that made me upset and with what I feel like her always playing games with the texting and conversations, I couldn't take it anymore because everytime we talked my feelings would come back, and then when she wouldn't answer or ignore for days, that got me so pissed. After we got off the phone when I asked her to come to the wedding she texted me and asked "Why do you still love me." And I told her honestly why I do and she responded saying "that really touched me and made me sad at the same time" she went on to say "I'm trying to work on myself and figure out who I am, I have never intended to hurt you and it kills me that I do and I'm sorry." I then responded by telling her "I appreciate for being honest with me but just like you're trying to work on yourself I have to do the same thing and I can't if I communicating with you with this current situation." She responded with an "Ok." That's kinda where I jumped on here and you started helping me. She called a few times and texted me those couple things and sent that snapchat since that happened and I haven't responded to any of it.

 

So, now you know the whole situation in a nutshell. To answer your other question, I do honestly love her, not gonna lie. I also do think about her every day. And, to be honest, it hurts to not talk to her but I don't know if it's the right thing to do here. Like, I want to get away from the games and I hate hearing she was seeing somebody, so that's why I thought stop talking to her would help get over her and move on but it's not. I also saw a movie last night and this guy was trying to get back with this girl (eventually did) but he told her that he'd rather be friends with her and her be in his life then nothing at all. At the same time, she already knows how I feel about her and she knows I've tried to make things work. So, do I want to reconcile back with her? Yes, I do. But like right now it's not possible because of the distance and stuff. Now I'm stuck in this position and have no clue what to do. Should I talk to her or not? From this read (apologize for the length) what do you think I should do? I appreciate the help SO MUCH, you have no idea.