I was moving on and then he contacted me. Now I am broken all over again.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I dont want him back. I just miss him so much. Think about him constantly. I hurt so bad and I dont know what to do. I dont want to go through this anymore. Just reading your answer made me cry, because I love him so much and he means the world to me. I can't imagine living without him, even though I've been doing it for 7 weeks now. I cant understand how he could just leave me like that. when I am struggling so much. Nothing makes sense to me.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you just trying to be blunt. I'm just trying to showcase it for you that BC you've only been with him for so long, it's like your body needs that somebody to fill the emptiness right now. And he is the last in your memory that made you feel comfortable so you're missing him. You just need to keep reminding yourself that he hurt you and did the wrong thing and that your better than that. You need to keep your head up high and keep talking to yourself and reminding yourself you deserve better and he acted completely wrong. Honestly, there are so many questions that will never go answered with some peoples actions. But you can't think why he did it, you need to focus on yourself and your well-being. I saw you mentioned you are going to see your therapist. Let me know how that goes and what they say.

 

 

And the way she's acted towards you? Hasn't that been selfish too? Selfish isn't always bad. In this case, you have to do it for your own good.

 

You're right, I agree. I feel like I did do it for my own good but there's just that part of me that is still a little shocked I texted her like to never talk to me again. That first time I told her we shouldn't talk like a month ago feels different than the text I sent her yesterday. Are there any differences? Am I in the same situation I was in while I was getting those bread crumbs?

[Janni]

I'm not trying to be hard on you just trying to be blunt. I'm just trying to showcase it for you that BC you've only been with him for so long, it's like your body needs that somebody to fill the emptiness right now. And he is the last in your memory that made you feel comfortable so you're missing him. You just need to keep reminding yourself that he hurt you and did the wrong thing and that your better than that. You need to keep your head up high and keep talking to yourself and reminding yourself you deserve better and he acted completely wrong. Honestly, there are so many questions that will never go answered with some peoples actions. But you can't think why he did it, you need to focus on yourself and your well-being. I saw you mentioned you are going to see your therapist. Let me know how that goes and what they say.

 

Yes, I know and I appreciate it. I really do. And you are so very right. I miss him, because he's the only person I've ever been with. I guess it's harder for me, because I don't really know that you can feel like that with multiple people, since I've only experienced it with him. I know I have to get out of this victim role and start seeing it as his loss. I'm trying to do my best. It's very hard on me right now, but I will keep fighting.

 

I just went to see my therapist, yes. She said, that basically I am hurting because my reality isn't how I wanted it to be. So there is an inconsistency between the way I wanted my life and the way it actually is. This makes me hurt. Very basic. To make it better, I have to minimize that inconsistency by realising what I do have and appreciate it and be happy. Or change some things so I get a life I want. Of course I can't go back to the way I wanted it - with him, so I'll have to create the life I want. A new life.

She also told me, especially regarding the situation with my sister, that I have to stop being the victim. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Either I try to resolve the situation with my sis or I stop being sorry and start realising that I am not the victim. My sister is the victim, she's doing this to me because she's hurting and she's in a difficult situation. And then I have to accept that and be bigger than that. Stop fighting, and just be passive. Passive or try to resolve it by "sacrificing" (my word) myself. So I'll try not being the victim and staying passive. If it doesn't work out, I might try resolving the situation.

 

Anyway, I still feel really sad, but I know I must fight to find the power in me to not feel like a victim and to embrace what I have. It's difficult, but I know I can do it. I've done it before.

 

Tonight I'm going to yet another dinner event. Hope it'll be good.

 

You're right, I agree. I feel like I did do it for my own good but there's just that part of me that is still a little shocked I texted her like to never talk to me again. That first time I told her we shouldn't talk like a month ago feels different than the text I sent her yesterday. Are there any differences? Am I in the same situation I was in while I was getting those bread crumbs?

 

There is a big difference. The first text was insecure, it was loaded with "if"s - If you want me, we can talk. If you tell me you love me, we can talk. If you still want to talk in a month, we can talk. It wasn't definite at all. But now you've stepped up. You've stepped out of the victim role. And you've decided that it's going to be like this forever. You are not going to talk again. No matter what and that's strength! You've taken over control and decided how it plays out, not her. You are no longer following her around and doing whatever she wants - Answering whenever she calls/texts. Do you see the difference? I do and it's great! Proud of you.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Yes, I know and I appreciate it. I really do. And you are so very right. I miss him, because he's the only person I've ever been with. I guess it's harder for me, because I don't really know that you can feel like that with multiple people

 

Honestly, it's harder for you because that's all you've ever felt for that one guy. You don't have anybody else to compare him to, you don't have other feelings that you can relate to. All you have in your memory and mind is to think back about him, and the comfortable feeling you had with him. You don't really know what it's like to be by yourself, and get through each day with nobody by your side and THAT is the change you need to start making. Getting used to supporting your self and making your self happy and making everyday decisions, etc...

 

I know I have to get out of this victim role and start seeing it as his loss. I'm trying to do my best. It's very hard on me right now, but I will keep fighting.

 

It's great, you are fighting, and you're putting up one hell of a fight. You are trying to better your self, and getting support for your self, and all these little things are signs you are getting there. It's going to take some time, like being right-handed and learning everything left-handed. It takes baby steps, and a lot of adversity, but I believe in you.

 

I just went to see my therapist, yes. She said, that basically I am hurting because my reality isn't how I wanted it to be. So there is an inconsistency between the way I wanted my life and the way it actually is. This makes me hurt. Very basic. To make it better, I have to minimize that inconsistency by realising what I do have and appreciate it and be happy. Or change some things so I get a life I want. Of course I can't go back to the way I wanted it - with him, so I'll have to create the life I want. A new life.

 

Yes, you need to understand waht you do have, and that's YOUR well-being. And honestly, do you REALLYYYY want to go back to the way you want it with him? Say you do go back with him, can you REALLY trust him again? It may seem ok for a little bit, but most people never change who they really are, and he may just end of doing the same thing again. Do you want to live that life? Do you deserve to be treated like that?

 

 

Anyway, I still feel really sad, but I know I must fight to find the power in me to not feel like a victim and to embrace what I have. It's difficult, but I know I can do it. I've done it before.

 

Trust me, I feel sad too, in regards to what I'm dealing with. That sad feeling sucks, deep down I wish her and I were together. You do need to embrace what you have, and that's your life, that's your happiness, getting up everyday and being happy to live another day. It will get there, with time, you just need to have self-confidence and believe in yourself and not live everyday constantly thinking about the negative past, but instead your positive future

 

Tonight I'm going to yet another dinner event. Hope it'll be good.

 

That's great. Please let me know how it goes.

 

 

 

 

 

There is a big difference. The first text was insecure, it was loaded with "if"s - If you want me, we can talk. If you tell me you love me, we can talk. If you still want to talk in a month, we can talk. It wasn't definite at all. But now you've stepped up. You've stepped out of the victim role. And you've decided that it's going to be like this forever. You are not going to talk again. No matter what and that's strength! You've taken over control and decided how it plays out, not her. You are no longer following her around and doing whatever she wants - Answering whenever she calls/texts. Do you see the difference? I do and it's great! Proud of you.

 

Yeah, you are definitely right, I agree with what you're saying. I feel a lot better thinking about it and making that decision of sending her that message, it's just deep down I want her to send me a message or something, I guess I just can't fathom the idea of never talking again forever, it's weird to me, especially between her and I because we've talked for so long. I'm positive this was the right move for my well-being, I just can't let it go for some reason.

[Janni]

Honestly, it's harder for you because that's all you've ever felt for that one guy. You don't have anybody else to compare him to, you don't have other feelings that you can relate to. All you have in your memory and mind is to think back about him, and the comfortable feeling you had with him. You don't really know what it's like to be by yourself, and get through each day with nobody by your side and THAT is the change you need to start making. Getting used to supporting your self and making your self happy and making everyday decisions, etc...

 

Yeah.. I see that now. I just always really thought we'd stick together. But I guess he didn't feel like me. I never would ever give up on him. And I hate him for giving up on me. Without even giving me a chance. And then saying he wanted me back, just to cheat on me. I can't forget how amazing it was when he wanted me back. But then I remember his behavior afterwards. How he wouldn't answer me for 5-6 hours straight. Saying he was busy. As if. I just wasn't his priority. She was.. And it hurts. But it's his loss. I was ready to do so much for him. Support him through his depression like no one ever will. But he pushed me away. He's losing a woman who'd sacrifice her life for his happiness. And he's going to realize that, if he hasn't already.

 

It's great, you are fighting, and you're putting up one hell of a fight. You are trying to better your self, and getting support for your self, and all these little things are signs you are getting there. It's going to take some time, like being right-handed and learning everything left-handed. It takes baby steps, and a lot of adversity, but I believe in you.

 

Yes, you need to understand waht you do have, and that's YOUR well-being. And honestly, do you REALLYYYY want to go back to the way you want it with him? Say you do go back with him, can you REALLY trust him again? It may seem ok for a little bit, but most people never change who they really are, and he may just end of doing the same thing again. Do you want to live that life? Do you deserve to be treated like that?

 

Yes, thank you. I guess I am really fighting all I can. And I have a lot of good things. That guy I was texting and whom I told about my situation, so he didn't think anything would happen, he texted me. Said he missed talking to me and if we couldn't just chat a bit, without it having to become anything. So that makes me kinda happy. Another guy suddenly just texted me on FB and told me I was good looking. I have no idea who he is, it's flattering though. But isn't it strange, how I'm suddenly surrounded by guys? I dont really understand it.

 

Trust me, I feel sad too, in regards to what I'm dealing with. That sad feeling sucks, deep down I wish her and I were together. You do need to embrace what you have, and that's your life, that's your happiness, getting up everyday and being happy to live another day. It will get there, with time, you just need to have self-confidence and believe in yourself and not live everyday constantly thinking about the negative past, but instead your positive future

 

Yes, wow. That sad feeling deep down. It's the worst. It's so horrible and I hate it. I have an amazing apartment, I just got a new bed for free, I have my friends, my family, my education. I am so much more successful than my ex. He just started "high-school" (equal to High-school) I finished that in 2010 and he's three years older than me. So basically he's eight years behind me, education-wise. I also remember we had a rough patch years ago, because he kept talking to a girl I really didn't trust. And I even found a picture of her, where he'd commented "pretty, prettier, prettiest, *Her name*" Which is something he'd usually say to me. It really hurt me and made me jealous. But he wouldn't stop talking with her. I guess I've just been blind. He's probably been cheating me all the time. All six years.

 

Yeah, you are definitely right, I agree with what you're saying. I feel a lot better thinking about it and making that decision of sending her that message, it's just deep down I want her to send me a message or something, I guess I just can't fathom the idea of never talking again forever, it's weird to me, especially between her and I because we've talked for so long. I'm positive this was the right move for my well-being, I just can't let it go for some reason.

 

I know the feeling. I also wanted (and still do sometimes) him to text or call me. Because we want to feel that they love and miss us. But it's better to just realize, that they won't. I cried my eyes out for days, thinking about how I would never see him again or never talk with him again. It's difficult. It's like having a loved one die, but worse, because they are still alive. You can still reach them and they go on with their lives.

 

It will get better, if you change your thought pattern. If you start thinking about how you're better off, staying positive and stepping out of the victim role.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Yeah.. I see that now. I just always really thought we'd stick together. But I guess he didn't feel like me. I never would ever give up on him. And I hate him for giving up on me.

 

That's the attitude you have to have each and every day. There are so many amazing things you would do as a woman that so many men would kill for. You have amazing attributes and you have matured early. Not many women like you are out in this world these days.

 

I can't forget how amazing it was when he wanted me back. But then I remember his behavior afterwards. How he wouldn't answer me for 5-6 hours straight. Saying he was busy. As if. I just wasn't his priority.

 

So, do you really want to go through this again and again? Now is the time to look ahead and get passed this, and move on from all the hate and sorrow he did to you.

 

And it hurts. But it's his loss.

 

You damn right it's his loss. Like I mentioned before, you are one of a kind, dime a dozen type of woman. You deserve only the very best and WILL receive that from somebody that actually cherishes what you give.

 

I was ready to do so much for him. Support him through his depression like no one ever will. But he pushed me away. He's losing a woman who'd sacrifice her life for his happiness. And he's going to realize that, if he hasn't already.

 

I was saying the same thing to my self. Like, doesn't she realize how much I would do for her, and didn't she see how nice I treated her. Yeah, granted, she would always tell me I'm such a great guy and she needs me in her life, but, is that all just talk, or what. Will she realize eventually that I would treat her like none other? Same goes for you in regards to this situation, you treated him like gold, and did everything under the sun for him but yet, he took advantage of you and hurt you very badly. He didn't respect you and someday I feel he will realize this.

 

 

Yes, thank you. I guess I am really fighting all I can. And I have a lot of good things. That guy I was texting and whom I told about my situation, so he didn't think anything would happen, he texted me. Said he missed talking to me and if we couldn't just chat a bit, without it having to become anything. So that makes me kinda happy. Another guy suddenly just texted me on FB and told me I was good looking. I have no idea who he is, it's flattering though. But isn't it strange, how I'm suddenly surrounded by guys? I dont really understand it.

 

Ha, it is strange in a way isn't it? Take it all in and have fun with it. DOn't take anything too serious right now and just go with the flow. Keep yourself active with it and hold conversations, but don't get too deep into anything just yet. Let the scars heal before you move forward with that part of your life.

 

 

 

Yes, wow. That sad feeling deep down. It's the worst. It's so horrible and I hate it. I have an amazing apartment, I just got a new bed for free, I have my friends, my family, my education. I am so much more successful than my ex. He just started "high-school" (equal to High-school) I finished that in 2010 and he's three years older than me. So basically he's eight years behind me, education-wise. I also remember we had a rough patch years ago, because he kept talking to a girl I really didn't trust. And I even found a picture of her, where he'd commented "pretty, prettier, prettiest, *Her name*" Which is something he'd usually say to me. It really hurt me and made me jealous. But he wouldn't stop talking with her. I guess I've just been blind. He's probably been cheating me all the time. All six years.

 

Doesn't that make you feel good inside that you are successful? Also, does that kinda portray him as not being a go-getter? Do you want a guy in your life that won't take his own steps to focusing on his future? And look, again, you're talking about him going behind your back and commenting other girls in sexy gestures. I can't believe this guy, he absolutely disrespected you in every way POSSIBLE. This is not what you deserve at all, you must get this stuck in your head.

 

I know the feeling. I also wanted (and still do sometimes) him to text or call me. Because we want to feel that they love and miss us. But it's better to just realize, that they won't. I cried my eyes out for days, thinking about how I would never see him again or never talk with him again. It's difficult. It's like having a loved one die, but worse, because they are still alive. You can still reach them and they go on with their lives.

 

It will get better, if you change your thought pattern. If you start thinking about how you're better off, staying positive and stepping out of the victim role.

 

Yeah you're right. It def. is depressing in a way to think and understand that aspect. I'm trying to think that I am better off, and most of the day I feel good about my decision, but there are times I'm just like, wtf did I do? Was this the right move? Should I have taken a different route, tried harder or said something different?

[Janni]

That's the attitude you have to have each and every day. There are so many amazing things you would do as a woman that so many men would kill for. You have amazing attributes and you have matured early. Not many women like you are out in this world these days.

 

I really appreciate this. Are you sure? I do feel like I did a lot for my ex, but I have nothing to compare to, so I've always been unsure whether I did what I was supposed to do in a relationship or if I wasn't sufficient.

 

So, do you really want to go through this again and again? Now is the time to look ahead and get passed this, and move on from all the hate and sorrow he did to you.

 

I definitely do not want to go through that again. I try to think of it whenever I miss him - How horrible it made me feel, whenever I was waiting for him to respond. One evening he didn't respond for 7-8 hours. I even called him twice. No answer. So I was just about to call his mother - Got worried. Then he calls. He'd "forgotten" to hit send on the text. And apparently he'd written it just before he went to this event. Well, that was still 4 hours after I sent my text.

 

You damn right it's his loss. Like I mentioned before, you are one of a kind, dime a dozen type of woman. You deserve only the very best and WILL receive that from somebody that actually cherishes what you give.

 

Again, this is really sweet of you. I keep doubting if I did good enough - as I said above, I don't have anything to compare to. And now he left me, so it seems obvious to me, that I must be the problem. Even though I somehow know I'm not.

 

I was saying the same thing to my self. Like, doesn't she realize how much I would do for her, and didn't she see how nice I treated her. Yeah, granted, she would always tell me I'm such a great guy and she needs me in her life, but, is that all just talk, or what. Will she realize eventually that I would treat her like none other? Same goes for you in regards to this situation, you treated him like gold, and did everything under the sun for him but yet, he took advantage of you and hurt you very badly. He didn't respect you and someday I feel he will realize this.

 

I really hope you are right. I want him to regret his decision and understand just how badly he messed up. And I am sure she will realize too. That's why she kept texting you. She couldn't give up on you completely, but you are worth so much more. She doesn't deserve you.

 

Ha, it is strange in a way isn't it? Take it all in and have fun with it. DOn't take anything too serious right now and just go with the flow. Keep yourself active with it and hold conversations, but don't get too deep into anything just yet. Let the scars heal before you move forward with that part of your life.

 

It's so strange. I've always felt like I wasn't one of the attractive girls. I was just "the friend" that the pretty girl brought along. (Don't think I have a really low self-esteem. I dont. But I dont see myself as being super attractive and "a catch".)

 

Doesn't that make you feel good inside that you are successful? Also, does that kinda portray him as not being a go-getter? Do you want a guy in your life that won't take his own steps to focusing on his future? And look, again, you're talking about him going behind your back and commenting other girls in sexy gestures. I can't believe this guy, he absolutely disrespected you in every way POSSIBLE. This is not what you deserve at all, you must get this stuck in your head.

 

It makes me feel very good and my education is very important to me. I never thought of him like that, but now that I'm out of the RS I see, that he really isn't a go-getter at all. He'd talk about his dreams and wanting to be an engineer. But then last year he was taking this course to get the credits for the education and decided not to take his math exam, because he wasn't sure he could pass. And now he's started that high-school thing, wasting two years of his life. I actually got really angry with him, when he told me. But it's his choice and I'm not part of it anymore, so he can waste his life if he wants.

 

Yeah you're right. It def. is depressing in a way to think and understand that aspect. I'm trying to think that I am better off, and most of the day I feel good about my decision, but there are times I'm just like, wtf did I do? Was this the right move? Should I have taken a different route, tried harder or said something different?

 

And those thoughts will always come up at some point. Eventually they'll go away completely. But it takes time. Sometimes I think "Should I text him to see if he misses me?". But we have to stay strong. They are the ones missing out.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I really appreciate this. Are you sure? I do feel like I did a lot for my ex, but I have nothing to compare to, so I've always been unsure whether I did what I was supposed to do in a relationship or if I wasn't sufficient.

 

From how you have been explaining yourself here, and how you act and have gone about everything, yes I am 100% sure. And you're right, you have nothing to compare to, but you have done more than you are suppose to. It's great the lengths you would reach for him and give your heart out like that. Trust me, when you come across somebody like that and they do the same back for you, you will be blown away by how much different you are compared to the world.

 

 

I definitely do not want to go through that again. I try to think of it whenever I miss him - How horrible it made me feel, whenever I was waiting for him to respond. One evening he didn't respond for 7-8 hours. I even called him twice. No answer. So I was just about to call his mother - Got worried. Then he calls. He'd "forgotten" to hit send on the text. And apparently he'd written it just before he went to this event. Well, that was still 4 hours after I sent my text.

 

It seems as though he only wanted to communicate when it was convenient for you, he didn't show interest to want to be in contact with you at all times, which is unfair to you and not respectable. You don't want to deal with somebody like that, you're only setting yourself up for trouble and a broken heart.

 

 

Again, this is really sweet of you. I keep doubting if I did good enough - as I said above, I don't have anything to compare to. And now he left me, so it seems obvious to me, that I must be the problem. Even though I somehow know I'm not.

 

That's the big issue. It always seems like it comes back to the nice people and it's their problem why everything got screwed up. Trust me, it's the complete opposite, but the reason for that is becasuse you get stuck just constantly thinking about why everything went wrong, and then alllll the memories start whirling around in your head, and you pick at every little thing you may have done wrong but really didn't, and then you blame yourself for everything. Don't do that. Rather look at the positives that you did do, and how he didn't respect any of it. That should make you pissed and want to get over him quicker.

 

 

I really hope you are right. I want him to regret his decision and understand just how badly he messed up. And I am sure she will realize too. That's why she kept texting you. She couldn't give up on you completely, but you are worth so much more. She doesn't deserve you.

 

Yeah, i understand where you're coming from. You want him to say oh wow why did I screw up like that, how did I ever let her go. You want to hear/see that and somehow that would automatically just make everything better. It may or may not happen, but you cannot drag on every day depressed until that day comes around. You just need to instill in your mind you are the better person, and he is the one who is missing out and missed out on an amazing opportunity with a woman like you. I appreciate the kind words, I am trying my best to tell my self this, day by day.

 

 

 

It's so strange. I've always felt like I wasn't one of the attractive girls. I was just "the friend" that the pretty girl brought along. (Don't think I have a really low self-esteem. I dont. But I dont see myself as being super attractive and "a catch".)

 

Well, I guess in a way it's good you're not conceded. I don't know you nor do I know what you look like, but your personally and maturity will go a VERY long way.

 

 

 

It makes me feel very good and my education is very important to me. I never thought of him like that, but now that I'm out of the RS I see, that he really isn't a go-getter at all. He'd talk about his dreams and wanting to be an engineer. But then last year he was taking this course to get the credits for the education and decided not to take his math exam, because he wasn't sure he could pass. And now he's started that high-school thing, wasting two years of his life. I actually got really angry with him, when he told me. But it's his choice and I'm not part of it anymore, so he can waste his life if he wants.

 

Yes, and if he does decide to just waste his life away, well guess what, there was you in the picture a while ago that coulda helped him through it, but he decided he didn't want any part of it. Now it's time for you to shine and become as successful as possible and make your self the #1 option for your future and career and life.

 

 

 

And those thoughts will always come up at some point. Eventually they'll go away completely. But it takes time. Sometimes I think "Should I text him to see if he misses me?". But we have to stay strong. They are the ones missing out.

 

Like I have mentioned before, it just feels like it will take a very long time. I haven't stopped thinking about her today. Crazy. Trying to stay strong as possible, and note to my self that I made the correct, mature move. Oh boy, this is hard though.

[Janni]

From how you have been explaining yourself here, and how you act and have gone about everything, yes I am 100% sure. And you're right, you have nothing to compare to, but you have done more than you are suppose to. It's great the lengths you would reach for him and give your heart out like that. Trust me, when you come across somebody like that and they do the same back for you, you will be blown away by how much different you are compared to the world.

 

Wow. This is really kind of you. I appreciate it so much. Always felt like I didn't do enough. Guess that's a bad relationship right there.

 

It seems as though he only wanted to communicate when it was convenient for you, he didn't show interest to want to be in contact with you at all times, which is unfair to you and not respectable. You don't want to deal with somebody like that, you're only setting yourself up for trouble and a broken heart.

 

Yes. Normally, during the RS, he'd text back almost immediately. But after the BU, it was like this. I am so angry, but the sadness just covers the anger. Wish I could just stop being sad and be angry or indifferent instead.

 

That's the big issue. It always seems like it comes back to the nice people and it's their problem why everything got screwed up. Trust me, it's the complete opposite, but the reason for that is becasuse you get stuck just constantly thinking about why everything went wrong, and then alllll the memories start whirling around in your head, and you pick at every little thing you may have done wrong but really didn't, and then you blame yourself for everything. Don't do that. Rather look at the positives that you did do, and how he didn't respect any of it. That should make you pissed and want to get over him quicker.

 

I think I might write a list with all the things I did for him. - I like lists. And it makes it easier for me to create an overview. And whenever I doubt myself and doubt if I did enough, I can go back to that list. Yes. I will do that.

 

Yeah, i understand where you're coming from. You want him to say oh wow why did I screw up like that, how did I ever let her go. You want to hear/see that and somehow that would automatically just make everything better. It may or may not happen, but you cannot drag on every day depressed until that day comes around. You just need to instill in your mind you are the better person, and he is the one who is missing out and missed out on an amazing opportunity with a woman like you. I appreciate the kind words, I am trying my best to tell my self this, day by day.

 

Exactly. Who knows? Maybe he already has. I don't check to see if he's texting me. Brings me no good. And honestly, it doesn't matter. Maybe he's furious with me, maybe he's indifferent or maybe he really wants me back. None of it matters. He's not part of my life anymore.

 

Yes, and if he does decide to just waste his life away, well guess what, there was you in the picture a while ago that coulda helped him through it, but he decided he didn't want any part of it. Now it's time for you to shine and become as successful as possible and make your self the #1 option for your future and career and life.

 

You are so right. (How many times have I said this now?) I will do great and become successfull and who knows where he'll be? I seriously doubt he'll ever become the engineer he dreams of. It's all just talk.

 

So. Something else completely. I went out last night, for that dinner-thing. It was supposed to be planned, so that people who came alone wouldn't end up with others who knew each other. But I ended up at a table with maybe 10 people and they all knew each other and I knew no one. Luckily they were really sweet and they said they really respected me for going out all alone to something like this. So I ended up having a really great and relaxed evening. Though I won't be going again. The food wasn't good enough compared to the prize and I don't like that the organizers promise you won't end up with people who know each other and then you do anyway. That's just unfair. But I still had a great evening and that's what counts.

 

How are your plans for the weekend?

 

Like I have mentioned before, it just feels like it will take a very long time. I haven't stopped thinking about her today. Crazy. Trying to stay strong as possible, and note to my self that I made the correct, mature move. Oh boy, this is hard though.

 

It's very hard. And it will probably get worse before it gets better, but you are keeping your head high and you are going to work and everything. That's great and it will only help you heal faster.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Wow. This is really kind of you. I appreciate it so much. Always felt like I didn't do enough. Guess that's a bad relationship right there.

 

My pleasure, just speaking the truth. Trust, you did more than enough, don't bring yourself down thinking you didn't do enough.

 

 

Yes. Normally, during the RS, he'd text back almost immediately. But after the BU, it was like this. I am so angry, but the sadness just covers the anger. Wish I could just stop being sad and be angry or indifferent instead.

 

After the BU, and how he treated you, you we're still sad that he wasn't contacting you? If he treated you so poorly, you should be happy you got out of something like that, and didn't have to deal with his dissrespect for years. Don't get me wrong, I understand your position and how tough it is, I'm just saying, for him to treat you so badly, you shouldn't sulk that he stopped talking to you and disappeared. You are much better off now not having to deal with his immaturity.

 

 

I think I might write a list with all the things I did for him. - I like lists. And it makes it easier for me to create an overview. And whenever I doubt myself and doubt if I did enough, I can go back to that list. Yes. I will do that.

 

Yes, great idea. A list is very good. And even better you can constantly read it and keep showing yourself how much you did and how much you got in return.

 

 

Exactly. Who knows? Maybe he already has. I don't check to see if he's texting me. Brings me no good. And honestly, it doesn't matter. Maybe he's furious with me, maybe he's indifferent or maybe he really wants me back. None of it matters. He's not part of my life anymore.

 

Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure you and I both know he will look back and say damn, she really did treat me amazing. Either or, you are who you are and you deserve so much more.

 

 

You are so right. (How many times have I said this now?) I will do great and become successfull and who knows where he'll be? I seriously doubt he'll ever become the engineer he dreams of. It's all just talk.

 

Haha, well at least you are agreeing with what I am saying, that's a good thing. Yes you will, and the more you keep yourself determined, the more drive you will have to become something special. Just remember, "A mind is like a parachute, it won't work if it isn't kept open." Keep an open mind, and positive attitude, and that will bring you success in everyday life.

 

So. Something else completely. I went out last night, for that dinner-thing. It was supposed to be planned, so that people who came alone wouldn't end up with others who knew each other. But I ended up at a table with maybe 10 people and they all knew each other and I knew no one. Luckily they were really sweet and they said they really respected me for going out all alone to something like this. So I ended up having a really great and relaxed evening. Though I won't be going again. The food wasn't good enough compared to the prize and I don't like that the organizers promise you won't end up with people who know each other and then you do anyway. That's just unfair. But I still had a great evening and that's what counts.

 

Wow, what are the odds. That's messed up the organizer would do that, and you should have said something. At least you had a good time though. But, like they said, at least you went and experienced it and got yourself out of the house. Like I will be saying for a while, baby steps! Gotta start somewhere!

 

How are your plans for the weekend?

 

I actually have one of my best friend's bachelor parties this weekend. So a group of us are going on a trip Saturday into the night and coming back Sunday. I think I reallyyyy need this to get my head clear and just enjoy and have a good time.

 

 

 

It's very hard. And it will probably get worse before it gets better, but you are keeping your head high and you are going to work and everything. That's great and it will only help you heal faster.

 

Yeah, it's very up and down for me. Def. trying to stay positive and keep my self busy with work and the gym. Trying to heal, still think about her, but hopefully with due time, it will help me get a clear conscious again.

[Janni]

My pleasure, just speaking the truth. Trust, you did more than enough, don't bring yourself down thinking you didn't do enough.

 

I will try. I promise.

 

After the BU, and how he treated you, you we're still sad that he wasn't contacting you? If he treated you so poorly, you should be happy you got out of something like that, and didn't have to deal with his dissrespect for years. Don't get me wrong, I understand your position and how tough it is, I'm just saying, for him to treat you so badly, you shouldn't sulk that he stopped talking to you and disappeared. You are much better off now not having to deal with his immaturity.

 

yeah. I get that. But you know. We just keep loving them and it's messed up sometimes. As my therapist says, heartbreak is love that won't stop. Love with no-one to receive it. But it won't stop. And I really feel that way. Like I lost the person I loved and now, because I'm determined I don't want him back, I am missing someone who can receive my love.

 

Yes, great idea. A list is very good. And even better you can constantly read it and keep showing yourself how much you did and how much you got in return.

 

Exactly. I will write it tomorrow. Hope it helps me.

 

Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure you and I both know he will look back and say damn, she really did treat me amazing. Either or, you are who you are and you deserve so much more.

 

I really really appreciate you saying this. It makes me feel better to have someone unambiguous tell me, that he's lost something great.

 

Haha, well at least you are agreeing with what I am saying, that's a good thing. Yes you will, and the more you keep yourself determined, the more drive you will have to become something special. Just remember, "A mind is like a parachute, it won't work if it isn't kept open." Keep an open mind, and positive attitude, and that will bring you success in everyday life.

 

Wow, what are the odds. That's messed up the organizer would do that, and you should have said something. At least you had a good time though. But, like they said, at least you went and experienced it and got yourself out of the house. Like I will be saying for a while, baby steps! Gotta start somewhere!

 

I am really feeling better too. Of course I'm still quite sad whenever I don't have anything to do, but whenever I'm socialising I feel happy, confident and independent. I feel so good. That convinces me, that I'll be okay in the end. I will be okay.

 

I actually have one of my best friend's bachelor parties this weekend. So a group of us are going on a trip Saturday into the night and coming back Sunday. I think I reallyyyy need this to get my head clear and just enjoy and have a good time.

 

Oh yeah, I remember you said so. That's going to do you good I'm sure. Just remember to stay positive and, as you said, keep an open mind. It's going to be great.

 

 

Yeah, it's very up and down for me. Def. trying to stay positive and keep my self busy with work and the gym. Trying to heal, still think about her, but hopefully with due time, it will help me get a clear conscious again.

 

I'm sure it will with time. Just keep doing what you're doing. Keeping busy. And stay positive. Remember, you are a great guy. You did everything you could. You never abandoned her. And you are mature and wire enough to know how to take care of yourself. And you're not doing it in a selfish way - you were kind enough as to tell her in a nice and calm tone, with no hatred. Good for you.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

yeah. I get that. But you know. We just keep loving them and it's messed up sometimes. As my therapist says, heartbreak is love that won't stop. Love with no-one to receive it. But it won't stop. And I really feel that way. Like I lost the person I loved and now, because I'm determined I don't want him back, I am missing someone who can receive my love.

 

You're right. We hold on to those feelings even though we weren't treated right. That's an interesting statement from your therapist, and I agree. Like, I "feel" heartbroken and love her and can't get over it, same with you as well it won't stop. But, we're doing good facing the facts and getting through this day by day.

 

 

 

Exactly. I will write it tomorrow. Hope it helps me.

 

Ok, that sounds great. Let me know how it goes.

 

 

I really really appreciate you saying this. It makes me feel better to have someone unambiguous tell me, that he's lost something great.

 

My pleasure. I mean, honestly, if he doesn't see/realize how well he was treated he's crazy! And who knows what will happen in the future, but not many woman are like you.

 

 

I am really feeling better too. Of course I'm still quite sad whenever I don't have anything to do, but whenever I'm socialising I feel happy, confident and independent. I feel so good. That convinces me, that I'll be okay in the end. I will be okay.

 

As mentioned earlier, it's very tough when you're alone and not either with your friends or doing something active. Your mind will always resort to what you are missing and it will make you very sad. But like you say, just gotta keep saying it will be okay and time will heal. Being strong and having a good attitude is half the battle.

 

 

 

Oh yeah, I remember you said so. That's going to do you good I'm sure. Just remember to stay positive and, as you said, keep an open mind. It's going to be great.

 

Yes, it was a lot of fun. I'm really tried, crazy long day/night.

 

 

 

 

I'm sure it will with time. Just keep doing what you're doing. Keeping busy. And stay positive. Remember, you are a great guy. You did everything you could. You never abandoned her. And you are mature and wire enough to know how to take care of yourself. And you're not doing it in a selfish way - you were kind enough as to tell her in a nice and calm tone, with no hatred. Good for you.

 

Definitely trying to stay busy, but I can't stop thinking about her and hoping she's doing well. I did try as hard as possible, and i don't know you let me know if this is right, even though I sent her that message about not contacting me, if she REALLY wanted to talk to me and attempt to show me she wants something, she would contact me right? Agreed it wasn't a selfish move, and a few of my friends said it was the right/mature thing to do so that's reassuring.

[xUnknown]

Definitely trying to stay busy, but I can't stop thinking about her and hoping she's doing well. I did try as hard as possible, and i don't know you let me know if this is right, even though I sent her that message about not contacting me, if she REALLY wanted to talk to me and attempt to show me she wants something, she would contact me right? Agreed it wasn't a selfish move, and a few of my friends said it was the right/mature thing to do so that's reassuring.

 

I've read the past two pages of the thread. Its really helped me. I'm going through what both of what you two are going through. I treated my ex like the world, only to get flushed...not even willing to work on things. How can someone throw away 2 years without even working on things...I don't understand that.

 

My ex asked to be friends and see where we are in 6 months (so we can work on ourselves), and I told her that I can't be her friend and it wouldn't be healthy for either of us. I too ask myself, did I close that door? It was 17 days of NC before she texted me on our would be 2 year..."I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you today. You're never far from my thoughts. I hope your doing well and your project at work is going OK". I ignored, missed call the second day about a car thing I did for her. Gave her help with that...2 texts and that was it. Now on another 18 days of NC. I still want her back, even though she is/was being selfish. I hate when my phone goes off, I want it to be her. I too have that void, that love that I keep on giving with nobody to give it to.

 

I'm going to follow this thread. It has helped. I just wish she would realize what she did and come to her senses.

[Janni]

You're right. We hold on to those feelings even though we weren't treated right. That's an interesting statement from your therapist, and I agree. Like, I "feel" heartbroken and love her and can't get over it, same with you as well it won't stop. But, we're doing good facing the facts and getting through this day by day.

 

Exactly. I already feel I've moved miles from last thursday. Today I feel calm, a tiny bit sad (nothing compared to before) and I don't miss him. I barely even feel like thinking about him. Of course he sometimes crosses my mind, but nothing like before. And I also dreamt about him last night, but again, something has changed. So I am glad, but also a bit anxious - They say, the ex always comes back when you're moving on. So that has be a bit anxious.

But overall, this is good right?

 

My pleasure. I mean, honestly, if he doesn't see/realize how well he was treated he's crazy! And who knows what will happen in the future, but not many woman are like you.

 

Again, thank you so much. And right abck at ya. You seem so devoted and honest. It's amazing and I'm sorry, for her, that she can't seem to see that.

 

As mentioned earlier, it's very tough when you're alone and not either with your friends or doing something active. Your mind will always resort to what you are missing and it will make you very sad. But like you say, just gotta keep saying it will be okay and time will heal. Being strong and having a good attitude is half the battle.

 

Yes, exactly. I try to keep busy. I've been doing so much with my mother this weekend and felt really good about keeping busy. It was great. Unfortunately something bad has happened. My best friend is really pissed at me and telling me to get out of his life if I don't show some respect. We have a very special friendship. We were best friends six years ago when we went to "boarding school" together (not exactly boarding school but it's the best english translation there is) We talked every single day. We were always together and it was amazing. But he's always been very private and would never tell me how he felt or what he was dealing with. Only ONCE has he told me. Throughout my RS we've had contact on/off. Both because I was in a relationship, but also because we had a huge fight when we left boarding school and it tore us apart. He believes my ex ruined me and that I should have listened to him and gotten out of the RS years ago. He believes he's the "hero" and always right. From my point of view, yes I've changed. Everyone changes. He's changed too. He's become cynical, cold, even more shut off. I feel so sorry for him, because his world is so dark and horrible. He tells me how he's always alone and everyone has left him. Though I was in and out of his life, I've never left him. Just like I knew he'd be there for me whenever I called, I'd been there for him, but he never called. He never comes to me with problems. Never. And he doesn't see it. So yeah. I really have no clue what to do about this situation and how to make him see how much he's changed. Because he doesn't think he's changed at all and even though he acts really strong and everything, I can just hear in his words, how he feels like a victim. "Everyone has left me." "I have no one." "I am alone almost every evening. I'm used to it." and so on. But he won't let me in and I don't know what to do. If I should just give up, and let him know I'm always there for him and I hope he realizes the situation he's put himself in, or if I should keep fighting and just shut out all his cruel words?

 

Sorry, for the long explanation. I do feel you might have some insight, though.

 

 

Yes, it was a lot of fun. I'm really tried, crazy long day/night.

 

That's great. What did you do? (If I may ask) And did you miss her during the bachelor party at all?

 

Definitely trying to stay busy, but I can't stop thinking about her and hoping she's doing well. I did try as hard as possible, and i don't know you let me know if this is right, even though I sent her that message about not contacting me, if she REALLY wanted to talk to me and attempt to show me she wants something, she would contact me right? Agreed it wasn't a selfish move, and a few of my friends said it was the right/mature thing to do so that's reassuring.

 

It will be like this for some time. But just keep busy and use this opportunity to change your life. Become a better person and show her what she's lost.

 

I've read the past two pages of the thread. Its really helped me. I'm going through what both of what you two are going through. I treated my ex like the world, only to get flushed...not even willing to work on things. How can someone throw away 2 years without even working on things...I don't understand that.

 

My ex asked to be friends and see where we are in 6 months (so we can work on ourselves), and I told her that I can't be her friend and it wouldn't be healthy for either of us. I too ask myself, did I close that door? It was 17 days of NC before she texted me on our would be 2 year..."I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you today. You're never far from my thoughts. I hope your doing well and your project at work is going OK". I ignored, missed call the second day about a car thing I did for her. Gave her help with that...2 texts and that was it. Now on another 18 days of NC. I still want her back, even though she is/was being selfish. I hate when my phone goes off, I want it to be her. I too have that void, that love that I keep on giving with nobody to give it to.

 

I'm going to follow this thread. It has helped. I just wish she would realize what she did and come to her senses.

 

Oh, I remember reading your story. I am glad you felt this thread helped you. You are very welcome to join in. We are here for you. It's a great help for me, to have someone who'll listen, knows my story and gives me moral support, like DarkestBeforeDawn does.

 

You end your post with "I just wish she would realize what she did and come to her senses." I understand this chain of thoughts, but you need to let it go. You need to crush all hope and turn that thought into "I'm sorry she did this, but it's her choice and her loss. I am better off without her and I'll make the best of my life." You are not the victim. Yes, she left you. Yes, you're heartbroken. I know how awful it is. But you won't get better before you change your thoughts. You have to remember, that you are freed and you can do whatever you want. Personally, it helped me to focus on all the things my ex forbid, limited or in any way affected negatively. Like my obsession with dinosaurs. it's strange, but I love them and he didn't let me. Now he's got nothing to say. What did you ex do/say/limit in your life? Did she make you give up a hobby? Told you, you couldn't have the tattoo you dreamed of? What did she do?

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Exactly. I already feel I've moved miles from last thursday. Today I feel calm, a tiny bit sad (nothing compared to before) and I don't miss him. I barely even feel like thinking about him. Of course he sometimes crosses my mind, but nothing like before. And I also dreamt about him last night, but again, something has changed. So I am glad, but also a bit anxious - They say, the ex always comes back when you're moving on. So that has be a bit anxious.

But overall, this is good right?

 

Good?? NO! That's amazing news! You're making great strides. Agreed, they will always cross your mind just from the imprint they'll have left on our minds, but still, you sound like you have progressed greatly, that's awesome. It's funny, I have heard that before. Once, you feel like you have gotten over them and moved on, you'll receive a phone call or message or e-mail or something, like they have that sense.

 

 

Again, thank you so much. And right abck at ya. You seem so devoted and honest. It's amazing and I'm sorry, for her, that she can't seem to see that.

 

No problem .. And thank you as well. Maybe, one day, she will? I don't know, but I guess time will tell.

 

 

Yes, exactly. I try to keep busy. I've been doing so much with my mother this weekend and felt really good about keeping busy. It was great. Unfortunately something bad has happened. My best friend is really pissed at me and telling me to get out of his life if I don't show some respect. We have a very special friendship. We were best friends six years ago when we went to "boarding school" together (not exactly boarding school but it's the best english translation there is) We talked every single day. We were always together and it was amazing. But he's always been very private and would never tell me how he felt or what he was dealing with. Only ONCE has he told me. Throughout my RS we've had contact on/off. Both because I was in a relationship, but also because we had a huge fight when we left boarding school and it tore us apart. He believes my ex ruined me and that I should have listened to him and gotten out of the RS years ago. He believes he's the "hero" and always right. From my point of view, yes I've changed. Everyone changes. He's changed too. He's become cynical, cold, even more shut off. I feel so sorry for him, because his world is so dark and horrible. He tells me how he's always alone and everyone has left him. Though I was in and out of his life, I've never left him. Just like I knew he'd be there for me whenever I called, I'd been there for him, but he never called. He never comes to me with problems. Never. And he doesn't see it. So yeah. I really have no clue what to do about this situation and how to make him see how much he's changed. Because he doesn't think he's changed at all and even though he acts really strong and everything, I can just hear in his words, how he feels like a victim. "Everyone has left me." "I have no one." "I am alone almost every evening. I'm used to it." and so on. But he won't let me in and I don't know what to do. If I should just give up, and let him know I'm always there for him and I hope he realizes the situation he's put himself in, or if I should keep fighting and just shut out all his cruel words?

 

Sorry, for the long explanation. I do feel you might have some insight, though.

 

So, let me get this right, he's telling you to show HIM some respect while he is boasting about himself saying he's always right and believing he is the hero, and trying to show off? THEN, he gets into a depressed mood and starts talking about how everyone leaves him and he has nobody, and plays the victim card. If I were you, I would seriously have a 1 on 1 talk with him and tell him how you feel about his actions straight up. How you see that he has changed, and what he does that brings out a different side of him. Tell him that you learned a lot about life with your ex-bf, and you appreciate that he was trying to look out for you, but YOU needed to live your life and learn yourself how life happens. If he constantly disagrees with you, or doesn't appreciate you trying to help him, then you need the be away from him for a while and let him think about everything and let him change his life on his own. There's only so much you can do for a person. You can't hold a grown up's hand through life. They need to mature and figure it out on their own at some point, and this is his time to do that.

 

 

That's great. What did you do? (If I may ask) And did you miss her during the bachelor party at all?

 

Ya sure. We had a little road trip down to a big party city (I'm from New York, but it was still a big party city) and stayed at a hotel/resort place for the day/night. It was a lot of fun and we had an amazing experience. I'll be honest with ya, I missed her tremendously. I had on and off times when I wasn't thinking about her and just was having a good time and everything, but more often than not, she was on my mind. I was just wishing I was hanging out with her, taking her out to a nice dinner and all this stuff.

 

 

 

It will be like this for some time. But just keep busy and use this opportunity to change your life. Become a better person and show her what she's lost.

 

I'm definitely trying to change and better myself and just have an open mind. I'm doing great keeping busy and being a good person. Like I said a few days ago, it's just a weird feeling being in this situation where we may not talk again. Just haven't been in this place before, so I'm not used to it. I don't want to say I regret saying what I said to her, but at the same time, I do kinda miss talking to her.

 

 

I've read the past two pages of the thread. Its really helped me. I'm going through what both of what you two are going through. I treated my ex like the world, only to get flushed...not even willing to work on things. How can someone throw away 2 years without even working on things...I don't understand that.

 

My ex asked to be friends and see where we are in 6 months (so we can work on ourselves), and I told her that I can't be her friend and it wouldn't be healthy for either of us. I too ask myself, did I close that door? It was 17 days of NC before she texted me on our would be 2 year..."I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you today. You're never far from my thoughts. I hope your doing well and your project at work is going OK". I ignored, missed call the second day about a car thing I did for her. Gave her help with that...2 texts and that was it. Now on another 18 days of NC. I still want her back, even though she is/was being selfish. I hate when my phone goes off, I want it to be her. I too have that void, that love that I keep on giving with nobody to give it to.

 

I'm going to follow this thread. It has helped. I just wish she would realize what she did and come to her senses.

 

Unknown,

 

Welcome to the thread. Like Janni said, we are here for you. I don't really know what happened in your situation, but from what it sounds like, you telling her you can't be her friend, that really sounds like me right now, and I can relate 100%. And you ask, how can somebody throw away 2 years without even working on things? Honestly, that question is practically unanswerable. I've seen not only some of my friends, but just heard other stories as well, where their GF or BF just gets up and leaves after X amount of years. Sometimes, people just change, or their feelings change and they don't even care about how the other person is going to cope. In your case, 6 months down the road, she is looking to re kindle the fire. She's now asking to be friends and now texting you. I take this as she knows the type of guy you are, and she may slowly but surely realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. For right now, you need to keep your head up and don't have your feelings keep getting attached every time she tries to contact you. That's exactly what happen to me, and that's why I told her I couldn't be friends with her because my feelings would come roaring back every time we spoke, but she was just trying to feel me out and see if I was still around and I couldn't take it. I do look at my phone quick when it goes off as well, kinda hoping it may be her. I know it's tough, but you gotta try and start focusing on your self, and bettering yourself and not have her dragging you down and not accomplishing things in every day life while you just sulk around and wait for her. Do we want them to realize what they could have? Absolutely, but we did EVERYTHING we could, and right now, clearly they have other things on their mind. But, the only thing we can do is work on US, and better ourselves, and if that day comes around where they wake up and see what they could of had, trust me, I think we will know it when it happens.

Edited November 18, 2013 by DarkestBeforeDawn

[Janni]

Good?? NO! That's amazing news! You're making great strides. Agreed, they will always cross your mind just from the imprint they'll have left on our minds, but still, you sound like you have progressed greatly, that's awesome. It's funny, I have heard that before. Once, you feel like you have gotten over them and moved on, you'll receive a phone call or message or e-mail or something, like they have that sense.

 

Thank you! I feel better too. I've begun thinking about other things when my mind wanders. Like the guys I talk to, my best friend who's mad at me and so on. So that's definitely great. I hope this will keep going the right way for me. And that he wont pop up in my life.

 

So, let me get this right, he's telling you to show HIM some respect while he is boasting about himself saying he's always right and believing he is the hero, and trying to show off? THEN, he gets into a depressed mood and starts talking about how everyone leaves him and he has nobody, and plays the victim card. If I were you, I would seriously have a 1 on 1 talk with him and tell him how you feel about his actions straight up. How you see that he has changed, and what he does that brings out a different side of him. Tell him that you learned a lot about life with your ex-bf, and you appreciate that he was trying to look out for you, but YOU needed to live your life and learn yourself how life happens. If he constantly disagrees with you, or doesn't appreciate you trying to help him, then you need the be away from him for a while and let him think about everything and let him change his life on his own. There's only so much you can do for a person. You can't hold a grown up's hand through life. They need to mature and figure it out on their own at some point, and this is his time to do that.

 

Yes, but he's not depressed or boasting. He's just plain cold and cynical. Saying stuff like "You're not the person I knew. He's changed you and I told you so many times to leave him." like he knows everything and knew this would happen and I'm just the dumb girl. And then he'll say, still just in a cold tone "Every one has left me and exited my life. So I am always alone, but I'm used to it." It really hurts me to see him this way, because he was such an amazing person back then and now it's like he's gone. Just an empty shell and I don't know what to do. I still don't know if I should tell him what I think, or just tell him I'm there or whatever. He also says he's always there whenever I call him, which is true. But through this BU, he was there when I called yes, but he's the guy I told you about, who just says "Okay" whenever I tell him how much something hurt or reminded me of my ex. He is basically only in my life as a guy texting "Hey, what are you doing?" from time to time. Never telling me anything personal or letting me in. And honestly, if that's the friend he can be to me, I can live without it. But if he's willing to be the friend I knew, then I'm all in. He also told me, that I always cancel on him and I seem like I don't give a ****. Yeah, I always cancel because I have this mild anxiety to new things and we haven't seen each other in ages, so it triggers my anxiety. But he didn't really care about that "excuse." I really dont know what to do. i dont think realize anything if I leave him be, he's stubborn just like me and he'll just continue his lonely life. That's what happened to all the others too.

 

Ya sure. We had a little road trip down to a big party city (I'm from New York, but it was still a big party city) and stayed at a hotel/resort place for the day/night. It was a lot of fun and we had an amazing experience. I'll be honest with ya, I missed her tremendously. I had on and off times when I wasn't thinking about her and just was having a good time and everything, but more often than not, she was on my mind. I was just wishing I was hanging out with her, taking her out to a nice dinner and all this stuff.

 

That sounds great and you being able to get her off your mind for even a minute is progress. Just keep going! I totally know that feeling of sitting at a great party and the only thing you can think is "I wish I was with my ex." But it'll pass. Just stay positive. You're doing great for even going!

 

I'm definitely trying to change and better myself and just have an open mind. I'm doing great keeping busy and being a good person. Like I said a few days ago, it's just a weird feeling being in this situation where we may not talk again. Just haven't been in this place before, so I'm not used to it. I don't want to say I regret saying what I said to her, but at the same time, I do kinda miss talking to her.

 

Yes, I know. And it'll keep being weird for some time. You have to get accustomed to this new life, basically. The one she isn't a part of. And you'll get there. I know you will.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

Thank you! I feel better too. I've begun thinking about other things when my mind wanders. Like the guys I talk to, my best friend who's mad at me and so on. So that's definitely great. I hope this will keep going the right way for me. And that he wont pop up in my life.

 

That's awesome to hear .. Hearing that your mind is now starting to focus on other things is a good thing. That means you're not hurting as bad as you once were, and your scar is slowly starting to heal. Yeah, you keep going down this path you you will absolutely see things will keep going right for you. Stay positive.

 

 

 

Yes, but he's not depressed or boasting. He's just plain cold and cynical. Saying stuff like "You're not the person I knew. He's changed you and I told you so many times to leave him." like he knows everything and knew this would happen and I'm just the dumb girl.

 

You're not a dumb girl by any means. You did what you wanted to do and now because life always throws us curveballs, you are learning and growing and maturing because of your past. It happens to everybody and that's how people become who they are.

 

 

 

And then he'll say, still just in a cold tone "Every one has left me and exited my life. So I am always alone, but I'm used to it." It really hurts me to see him this way, because he was such an amazing person back then and now it's like he's gone. Just an empty shell and I don't know what to do. I still don't know if I should tell him what I think, or just tell him I'm there or whatever.

 

I think for right now if you REALLY want to maintain a friendship with him, talk to him and try and get his head in the right place. Be there for him, and try and console him and if he doesn't listen to you or appreciate the help, than there is nothing else you could do.

 

 

 

He also says he's always there whenever I call him, which is true. But through this BU, he was there when I called yes, but he's the guy I told you about, who just says "Okay" whenever I tell him how much something hurt or reminded me of my ex. He is basically only in my life as a guy texting "Hey, what are you doing?" from time to time. Never telling me anything personal or letting me in. And honestly, if that's the friend he can be to me, I can live without it. But if he's willing to be the friend I knew, then I'm all in.

 

So again, talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told me. Tell him that if he's gonna continue to be that friend who doesn't listen to you and all he does is complain to you, you can do with that out. Also tell him you're willing to help him out and want to make this friendship work, but if he doesn't want to listen you and hear you out, so be it.

 

 

He also told me, that I always cancel on him and I seem like I don't give a ****. Yeah, I always cancel because I have this mild anxiety to new things and we haven't seen each other in ages, so it triggers my anxiety. But he didn't really care about that "excuse." I really dont know what to do. i dont think realize anything if I leave him be, he's stubborn just like me and he'll just continue his lonely life. That's what happened to all the others too.

 

Again, also explain that anxiety thing to him. Tell him why you've canceled on him and that your anxiety would get triggered. And, like you said, if he doesn't care about that or just brushes you off, clearly you would need to just walk away, knowing you tried but you couldn't get to him and help him out because he didn't want to hear any of it.

 

 

 

That sounds great and you being able to get her off your mind for even a minute is progress. Just keep going! I totally know that feeling of sitting at a great party and the only thing you can think is "I wish I was with my ex." But it'll pass. Just stay positive. You're doing great for even going!

 

Yeah, I was thinking that for a large portion of the night. But, at times, she wasn't really on my mind because I was occupied and doing stuff, so that was good.

 

 

 

Yes, I know. And it'll keep being weird for some time. You have to get accustomed to this new life, basically. The one she isn't a part of. And you'll get there. I know you will.

 

Yeah, you're right, it does feel like a new life in a way. I appreciate the optimism, it's helping a lot. Although each day feels like a year, I think I've been thinking less about her than last week. She's still on my mind, that's for sure, but I think it's now at a lesser degree.

[Janni]

That's awesome to hear .. Hearing that your mind is now starting to focus on other things is a good thing. That means you're not hurting as bad as you once were, and your scar is slowly starting to heal. Yeah, you keep going down this path you you will absolutely see things will keep going right for you. Stay positive.

 

I'm really happy too. Even though I feel a bit scared of what is going to happen when I don't have feelings for him anymore. It's been my life for the past 7 years to love this man and now it's going away. It's scary.

 

 

You're not a dumb girl by any means. You did what you wanted to do and now because life always throws us curveballs, you are learning and growing and maturing because of your past. It happens to everybody and that's how people become who they are.

 

That's true. Thank you for telling me this.

 

I think for right now if you REALLY want to maintain a friendship with him, talk to him and try and get his head in the right place. Be there for him, and try and console him and if he doesn't listen to you or appreciate the help, than there is nothing else you could do.

 

So again, talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told me. Tell him that if he's gonna continue to be that friend who doesn't listen to you and all he does is complain to you, you can do with that out. Also tell him you're willing to help him out and want to make this friendship work, but if he doesn't want to listen you and hear you out, so be it.

 

Again, also explain that anxiety thing to him. Tell him why you've canceled on him and that your anxiety would get triggered. And, like you said, if he doesn't care about that or just brushes you off, clearly you would need to just walk away, knowing you tried but you couldn't get to him and help him out because he didn't want to hear any of it.

 

I did all this and told him all this, though not in exactly these words. But he just kept calling me disrespectful and selfish and being basically really mean. Even though it was on FB I could practically hear him yelling at me. His messages were so mean. And he wouldn't listen to a word I said. So we're done know and I don't want to do anything for him anymore. I gave him chance upon chance upon chance. And I'm not even really emotional about this. Which obviously goes to prove how bad of a friendship it was for my part.

 

Just an update on something else: The guy I told you about - The guy I met when I went to that dinner-thing, whom told me to let him know if I went clubbing (I really dont know the prober "slang" for going out drinking?) He texted me on fb this weekend. Asked me about a status update I'd posted. We talked for a bit - he said, it was cute how much I love dinosaurs. And then he said it'd be nice to meet up. So is this more than just friendship or? Sorry for all these questions, but as you know, I've basically never been on the "market." So I don't know how this works. Weird. He also told me, because he had to get ready to go to a friends house and then had to leave to get there, that I should see if I could come up with something we could do together. I have no ideas and still dont know if it's a date-kinda thing or just friendly get-together?

 

Yeah, I was thinking that for a large portion of the night. But, at times, she wasn't really on my mind because I was occupied and doing stuff, so that was good.

 

Any progress is progress, so it's great. As you keep telling me; Baby steps.

 

Yeah, you're right, it does feel like a new life in a way. I appreciate the optimism, it's helping a lot. Although each day feels like a year, I think I've been thinking less about her than last week. She's still on my mind, that's for sure, but I think it's now at a lesser degree.

 

That's great. Before you know it, you'll look back and think to yourself "Wow. I really do think less about her than I did three weeks ago." But when you're in it, it's difficult to see the progress. And the fact that you're able to see it, is great! I'm so happy for you.

[DarkestBeforeDawn]

I'm really happy too. Even though I feel a bit scared of what is going to happen when I don't have feelings for him anymore. It's been my life for the past 7 years to love this man and now it's going away. It's scary.

 

I can imagine you feeling like that. 7 years is a very long time, and like you told me, it's like you need to go on like you're living a new life. It may be scary, but it's beneficial for you short-term and long-term

 

 

 

 

That's true. Thank you for telling me this.

 

My pleasure .. I am only stating the truth, and want to let you know who you are, and what you deserve.

 

 

 

I did all this and told him all this, though not in exactly these words. But he just kept calling me disrespectful and selfish and being basically really mean. Even though it was on FB I could practically hear him yelling at me. His messages were so mean. And he wouldn't listen to a word I said. So we're done know and I don't want to do anything for him anymore. I gave him chance upon chance upon chance. And I'm not even really emotional about this. Which obviously goes to prove how bad of a friendship it was for my part.

 

You did the right thing. He honestly couldn't respect where you were coming from and couldn't listen and be respectful. Move on and know you did all you could, and you did the right thing and tried to be mature and talk to him straight up.

 

Just an update on something else: The guy I told you about - The guy I met when I went to that dinner-thing, whom told me to let him know if I went clubbing (I really dont know the prober "slang" for going out drinking?) He texted me on fb this weekend. Asked me about a status update I'd posted. We talked for a bit - he said, it was cute how much I love dinosaurs. And then he said it'd be nice to meet up. So is this more than just friendship or? Sorry for all these questions, but as you know, I've basically never been on the "market." So I don't know how this works. Weird. He also told me, because he had to get ready to go to a friends house and then had to leave to get there, that I should see if I could come up with something we could do together. I have no ideas and still dont know if it's a date-kinda thing or just friendly get-together?

 

Don't worry at all, ask as many questions as you'd like. He's flirting with you for sure and wants to hang out and see where things go. Yeah, you can say for now it's friends talk, but he's interested and wants to hang out and get to know more about you and see what you're like. I'd say it's a date thing, nothing crazy, but he's trying to break the ice and have you hang out with him.

 

 

 

Any progress is progress, so it's great. As you keep telling me; Baby steps.

 

Exactly. Baby steps. I just keep second guessing my self if I did the right thing. Ugh.

 

 

 

That's great. Before you know it, you'll look back and think to yourself "Wow. I really do think less about her than I did three weeks ago." But when you're in it, it's difficult to see the progress. And the fact that you're able to see it, is great! I'm so happy for you.

 

I'm slowly thinking less about her and feeling more confident in my self, but like I said just before, I every so often ask myself if I really did do the smart thing and cut off all contact. I kind of want to talk to her and see how things are going, but I know if I do that, my feelings will come back like every other time, and then when she doesn't answer for days, I'll be RIGHT back at square one all pissed off again.

[Janni]

I can imagine you feeling like that. 7 years is a very long time, and like you told me, it's like you need to go on like you're living a new life. It may be scary, but it's beneficial for you short-term and long-term

 

Yes, and (as they say in my favorite tv-show) I'll cross the bridge when I get to it. No good reason to worry and get anxious about not loving him anymore. It'll go by smooth and before I know, my feelings for him are just gone. I did dream about him last night though. But I guess the dream was good. We were hanging out as friends and then he started coming on to me - Like he did before we started dating. But I said stop and like that, because he'd just dumped me for her. The exact situation I'm in now, we were just trying to hang out as friends. Well, he kept coming on to me and finally I got up and wanted to leave the room, but he chased me and this kept going for a looong time, where I kept running away from him and he kept chasing me and cutting me off, trying to talk. I just yelled at him, told him to leave me alone, that I didn't want him back. He kept saying "But look at this logically" and I was like "Logically, you broke up with me, cheated on me, dumped me for her, treated me like **** and now you want me back. It's not going to happen." Still yelling. He had tears in his eyes, and as I said, this went on for a looong time with me trying to get away. Then he kinda accepted, but not really, and I woke up. So I guess it's a great sign, that I never once hesitated or considered taking him back. I stuck to my ground.

 

You did the right thing. He honestly couldn't respect where you were coming from and couldn't listen and be respectful. Move on and know you did all you could, and you did the right thing and tried to be mature and talk to him straight up.

 

Thank you. I'm sure I did the right thing too. I haven't really though much about it since and it's not haunting me.

 

But I do feel like bad things keep on coming. You know, misery loves company. I mean, my sister's angry with me, my ex dumped me, then cheated on me, then acted all mean with that e-mail thing and made his mother text me too, blaming me for everything, my best friend just cussed me out and basically kicked me out of his life and now, my granddad is in the hospital. He collapsed in the bathroom and my grandmother had to call 911. He's doing better now, but what's going on? Why can't I have a break?

 

Don't worry at all, ask as many questions as you'd like. He's flirting with you for sure and wants to hang out and see where things go. Yeah, you can say for now it's friends talk, but he's interested and wants to hang out and get to know more about you and see what you're like. I'd say it's a date thing, nothing crazy, but he's trying to break the ice and have you hang out with him.

 

Thanks. It's just so much easier to ask a guy. Just like I'd probably understand any female friend you have, better. Wow, this makes me kinda happy. Though I still don't want to rush things, but just knowing someone is interested in me, makes me less anxious about the whole "Will anyone ever love me again"-thing. Bet you know what I mean. So. He hasn't answered me back, on my message wishing him a good evening. And I still have no clue to what we could do together. Any idea on where to go from here?

 

Again, I really appreciate this!

 

Exactly. Baby steps. I just keep second guessing my self if I did the right thing. Ugh.

 

I'm slowly thinking less about her and feeling more confident in my self, but like I said just before, I every so often ask myself if I really did do the smart thing and cut off all contact. I kind of want to talk to her and see how things are going, but I know if I do that, my feelings will come back like every other time, and then when she doesn't answer for days, I'll be RIGHT back at square one all pissed off again.

 

And as I said, it is totally normal to second guess yourself. But maybe its time you redirect your mind manually. Whenever you think "Did I do the right thing? Maybe I should text her." Just remember how awful SHE made you feel whenever she didn't reply for hours or even days. Remember how AWFUL that felt. Do you want to feel like that again? Yes, it hurts now, but that will go away. The awful hurt, whenever she didn't reply, will keep on going for as long as she's in your life.

 

Force your brain to think "I'm better off. She's the one missing out. I am such a great guy. I have a job. I have an apartment. I work out. I am fit. I am good looking. Look at what she threw away. She'll never find anything better, but I won't take her back!" This might seem forced and you might be like "This isn't true. I'm good looking. yeah. keep telling yourself that." but if you keep forcing yourself to think positive, it will end up being what you believe. So why not go for it? What's the worst that can happen?

[Stay]

I'm in a similar boat, almost 7 year relationship and she found someone else, pretty much cheated on me emotionally, lied, and strung me along. It was pathetic and I was I was stronger during the time. It's been about 6 months since that happened and I was perfectly fine, I met people and hung out with a lot of people. Didn't think about her, just once in a while which is normal but a few days ago after running into her and talking a bit she told me she miss me and cried, etc. We continued to talk and somehow got on the subject of asking her if she was happy with where she is in life, she told me no.

 

I'm devastated as these feelings and emotions came rushing back to me and it's difficult again, I feel like i've taken quite some steps back. I really do miss her and the things we did. I don't understand how I'm feeling at all, it's confusing to me.

[Janni]

I'm in a similar boat, almost 7 year relationship and she found someone else, pretty much cheated on me emotionally, lied, and strung me along. It was pathetic and I was I was stronger during the time. It's been about 6 months since that happened and I was perfectly fine, I met people and hung out with a lot of people. Didn't think about her, just once in a while which is normal but a few days ago after running into her and talking a bit she told me she miss me and cried, etc. We continued to talk and somehow got on the subject of asking her if she was happy with where she is in life, she told me no.

 

I'm devastated as these feelings and emotions came rushing back to me and it's difficult again, I feel like i've taken quite some steps back. I really do miss her and the things we did. I don't understand how I'm feeling at all, it's confusing to me.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling again. This is the time where you need to decide what you want to do. I don't think you should try to figure out your emotions - as I think we will always have a tendency to develop feelings for a former lover, but instead try to decide it based on your logic. If that makes any sense.

 

This must be really devastating for you and I'm sorry. But if you do decide to keep moving forward without her, you know what it will take and how long it will take approx. You've done it before and you were doing fine. So it is possible.

 

If you want to give a shot with her, you need to weigh the pros and cons and be aware of the cons. Be aware of what you'll have to deal with and go through. Are you ready for that?

 

Please keep me posted. I hope you hang in there.

[Stay]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling again. This is the time where you need to decide what you want to do. I don't think you should try to figure out your emotions - as I think we will always have a tendency to develop feelings for a former lover, but instead try to decide it based on your logic. If that makes any sense.

 

This must be really devastating for you and I'm sorry. But if you do decide to keep moving forward without her, you know what it will take and how long it will take approx. You've done it before and you were doing fine. So it is possible.

 

If you want to give a shot with her, you need to weigh the pros and cons and be aware of the cons. Be aware of what you'll have to deal with and go through. Are you ready for that?

 

Please keep me posted. I hope you hang in there.

 

I can't go back to her because of numerous reasons, one reason is that I'll look bad, everyone that we know pretty much knows what she had put me through and what had happened. Another reason is I cannot trust her anymore after this, I already know I'm looking at everything through rose tinted glass.

 

I really do miss her, I miss the things we did, I miss everything and this is what hurts me so bad. I miss her so much but it doesn't matter because I cannot do anything about that. That's what kills me so much because I wish it would've been different and could be fixed but I know it cannot be.

[Janni]

I can't go back to her because of numerous reasons, one reason is that I'll look bad, everyone that we know pretty much knows what she had put me through and what had happened. Another reason is I cannot trust her anymore after this, I already know I'm looking at everything through rose tinted glass.

 

I really do miss her, I miss the things we did, I miss everything and this is what hurts me so bad. I miss her so much but it doesn't matter because I cannot do anything about that. That's what kills me so much because I wish it would've been different and could be fixed but I know it cannot be.

 

This is good. You know you can't go back to her, so the only way is forward. Moving on. It hurts and we all know that here, but as you said, there's just no going back. You did it before, so now you have to set your mind to it again. You are not going back. You miss her, but you have to move on. Stop thinking about yourself as a victim and putting yourself in the victim role. And start seeing it as a choice. You choose to move on. You choose to be better. You can't feel sorry for yourself. It'll only hinder your progress. So what CAN you do?

[Stay]

This is good. You know you can't go back to her, so the only way is forward. Moving on. It hurts and we all know that here, but as you said, there's just no going back. You did it before, so now you have to set your mind to it again. You are not going back. You miss her, but you have to move on. Stop thinking about yourself as a victim and putting yourself in the victim role. And start seeing it as a choice. You choose to move on. You choose to be better. You can't feel sorry for yourself. It'll only hinder your progress. So what CAN you do?

 

Yea I only see only in the forward direction but I don't know why I feel like this, it's like a huge rush of feelings. I've been down and just thinking a lot, I would like to stop but it just doesn't stop.

[Janni]

Yea I only see only in the forward direction but I don't know why I feel like this, it's like a huge rush of feelings. I've been down and just thinking a lot, I would like to stop but it just doesn't stop.

 

Those are feelings. We can't really control them, unfortunately. I think I can relate. I don't know how much of this thread you've read, but my ex e-mailed me a month into NC. I was doing okay and after the e-mail, I was heartbroken all over again. And I never even responded to the e-mail. It's been a month since then, and only now am I feeling better again. That's just how it goes, unfortunately.

 

You just hang in there and keep talking with us about it. It'll get better. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's okay to feel sad. You were together a long time and things like that dont just disappear. She made you remember it all again. Stay positive and remember, it's okay to feel sad, hurt and down. You will get better.