Over when its over?

[tn086]

First post to this thread. I am looking for perspective. While I have received some, I want to make sure that I not hearing what I want to hear from others (which I don't think is the case).

 

Married 11 years, together almost 14 years. One daughter together, and 3 adult step children, and a mother in law who has lived with us since the day we got married.

 

I am at the end of my very long rope, I asked H for a divorce two days ago, but still feel conflicted. There are many issues that plague this marriage (although if you ask him, he states I look for stuff to "scrap up" to be miserable or I am "always making something out of nothing"). The main issues are:

 

I had an emotional affair several years ago and worked very hard to put our relationship back together, 110% committed and told him how lucky I was that he didn't leave me. Only to find out he went and had an affair (after he promised he wouldn't) a couple years after mine. I have never really forgiven him and this has lead to some intimacy issues.

 

His mom has lived with us for 11 years; she has no social life, never leaves the house (she had to stop driving a year ago), and has multiple health issues. This has put an enormous strain on our marriage, and I am now resentful of her and him. He states it is a burden to both of us but does nothing to alleviate it and won't discuss the issue with me. I was told a couple days ago (when I asked for the divorce) I am now an intolerant human being because I no longer want her living her, when in actuality she needs to be somewhere she can receive proper care for her medical issues.

 

I helped raise his three children from a previous "disastrous" marriage. The ex is financially and mentally unstable. I was also told two days ago that he kicked his children out of our house because of me and my high level of expectancy that they conform to rules (god forbid their be any structure in their lives when his ex could not provide that). The 24 YO daughter came back after a period of time and thanked me for being a parent and doing the things I did. The 20 YR son (who had anger issues and ADHD), well I have no relationship with him and H is trying to rebuild his relationship with him. H said he blamed himself for not being a better father to him (apparently he now blames me), yet we gave this child everything, including a stable home but living with his dysfunctional mother was apparently a better choice (he now lives with a roommate). The 23 YO daughter still lives with us (can be that bad here right?). And I feel I am raising our 10 YO daughter on my own.

 

I see my H as checking out of the marriage within the last couple years; he sleeps hours on end and doesn't really participate with the family. I feel I am left to run the household. He makes no plans for family outings (I do it all when it comes to vacation time), he makes no plans for us as a couple. There is no romance; I don't feel cherished, appreciated or loved. Oh he says he loves me, but it is not reflected in what he says or in his actions. I work long hours at times and survive on a heck of a lot less sleep than he does. I am there to make sure our 10 YO daughter's needs are taken care of daily (getting to school, homework, soccer, appointments) but as he puts it "isn't that what mom's do?" In my opinion we have stopped functioning as a parental unit.

 

And all the above leaves what time for intimacy? I am exhausted, cranky, and now resentful at the end of the day? There is no romance, which is just plain sad.

 

I should note that I am not always the easiest person to get along with. I am sharp tongued, do have a high expectancy level of others. I sit on my feelings till they come out like lava. Apparently, I am so horrible that H told me yesterday he medicates himself sometimes just so he doesn't have to listen to me. What the...? I think it was meant to be hurtful, but he gets some more sleep out of it right?

 

Does all this seem like a train wreck to anyone else? I didn't want to make this the longest post ever, but I could probably type for days. This just scratches the surface. But I do look forward to any comments (good, bad,or ugly).

[Jolly Roger]

Personally, I'm thinking you need to come to the place where you realize you cannot control or change anybody. Maybe, instead of announcing your desire for a divorce, you could back off that and go for a agreed upon separation. I'm separated 4 months now and it's amazing the clarity it brings. You and your daughter, high tail it for a little. It's better than fussing, it'll give everyone some elbow room.

[littlejaz]

won't discuss the issue with me.

 

I see my H as checking out of the marriage within the last couple years; he sleeps hours on end and doesn't really participate with the family. I feel I am left to run the household. He makes no plans for family outings (I do it all when it comes to vacation time), he makes no plans for us as a couple. There is no romance; I don't feel cherished, appreciated or loved. Oh he says he loves me, but it is not reflected in what he says or in his actions. I work long hours at times and survive on a heck of a lot less sleep than he does.

 

And all the above leaves what time for intimacy? I am exhausted, cranky, and now resentful at the end of the day? There is no romance, which is just plain sad.

 

.

 

I can relate to some of what you are saying. We have no children and no relative living with us. But as for the won't discuss with me - my STBXH wouldn't discuss anything with me. In many ways he never entered our marriage. I thought I was marrying a partner, someone to share life with but what I got was a dependent, someone to be responsible for. I have virtually made every decision in our entire marriage. He left everything up to me.

 

Romance, what is that? Intimacy - to me that denotes a relationship - we have had no relationship for years. You have to be awake and engaged (involved) to have a relationship and he has not been for 10+ years out of our almost 14 year marriage.

 

I can not even imagine adding children and an in-law to that mix. I don't know how you have done it. My advice is grab your daughter and run. Life is too short to stay in a non-relationship.

 

I tried very hard to live up to the vows I took. I tried to convince myself that I had to stick it out because of the whole for better or worse but I finally came to the conclusion that I deserved more. I had pretty much made the decision to divorce but was waiting until I paid off one of our debts when he lost his job (resigned before getting fired) and started spending his time and what little money he had left on marital affair websites. When confronted, he exclaimed "how dare you bring that up!". He then packed some clothes and went to his mothers. I removed his house key and alarm remote from his key chain while he was packing and told him he would not get back into my house (it was my separate property). This resolved any guilt I had about divorcing because in my eyes he was cheating - I don't know for sure and I don't care if he ever actually had sex with someone else. That gave me the out that I could live with.

 

For you, I believe that your daughter gives you your out. She deserves to have at least one parent who is happy and you obviously are not. So for her sake I think you need to get her out of that situation. If you don't, you risk her believing that this is what she can expect out of her life and thereby not striving for happiness in her life or marriage.

 

Sorry for rambling on for so long, but to answer your question, yes this is a train wreck and you should go see an attorney and do what you need to do to get out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had an emotional affair several years ago and worked very hard to put our relationship back together, 110% committed and told him how lucky I was that he didn't leave me. Only to find out he went and had an affair (after he promised he wouldn't) a couple years after mine. I have never really forgiven him and this has lead to some intimacy issues.

).

 

He forgave you and you were grateful but, at least sexually, you haven't forgiven him.

 

Why?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Ok...sounds miserable. Get divorced then.

 

 

You're not happy - he's not happy. Be on your own and find what happy looks like for you.

[tn086]

It has been a roller coaster of emotions these past few days.

 

Jolly Roger - tried the separation suggestion and was told "all or nothing". I thought some time apart and maybe we would come to appreciate the marriage again and work on some issues, but apparently that is not an option. I am making plans to move back with family for the time being but trying to let me daughter finish soccer season and also make arrangements for a new school. I can't leave without her though.

 

Littlejaz - apparently the issue still resides with how I address (speak to him) the issues. He want to be handled with "kid gloves" and now that I brought up the whole sleeping the day away and not being involved in his daughters life he is up every morning and wants to suddenly be an active parent, but denies it was an issue. I need a wall to bang my head against. What about all the other crap, I was told "changes can be made". Hw long am I supposed to sit by after bringing up the same issues and wait, the sand in the hour glass doesn't stop flowing.

 

Mr. Lucky - I don't think I ever forgave any any capacity sexually or from the heart. It wasn't a "one night stand" payback to get back at me...it occurred several times with another friends wife. Don't know if some random stranger would have made it any easier but that doesn't matter now. I resent him all the say around for the whole affair. There were some days I could almost forget and sweep under the rug, but forgiving him for something he promised he would never do, well it is just too much. And it is more than all the intimacy issues. What happened to date nights, being romantic....I was the only one planning anything. Our last anniversary (August), I planned a spa day and we were supposed to go early and spend time together, instead he slept all day (he worked graveyard but I had given him adequate time to sleep), I tried to wake him up several times and he just kept sleeping up until the very last moment to get ready. I just think how selfish, all the days I go with little or no sleep to accommodate him and make sure our child and our household is taken care of. This is just one example.

 

I have an appointment with an attorney today to see exactly where I stand. He has spat ugly things over the last few days that were obviously meant to hurt me (and they did), I think he tried to give it one last ditch effort just a bit ago but with all the hurt, frustration, and resentment I don't think I have it left in me.

 

I hope I can find what happiness looks like again. Sorry if I rambled, I haven't slept after working graveyard shift.

[littlejaz]

During the last 4-5 months before we separated we both celebrated our 50th birthdays, his in Aug and mine in Nov. For his birthday, I called his mother and his sister and we put a little party together for him at a local restaurant. I didn't even get a thank you. No acknowledgment at all. I'm sure he told himself that it was all his mother's idea. For my birthday, I got a card that had a cute little dog on the front (I am a dog lover) and inside it said Got Cake? then he wrote will brownies do and he baked a batch of brownies.

 

Now mind you, he had lost his job (resigned upon threat of being fired) and refused to even discuss our financial situation. I was stressed to the max. He had brought the card to my office during the day. When I got home that evening, I broke down and started crying, I told him I just didn't know how much more I could take and he half a$$ed hugged me and said yes you can just persevere and walked off. Well happy birthday to me.

 

So I know what you mean by you planned everything, and I bet half the time he screwed up the plans that you had made or he needed to sleep instead or he acted like a jerk the whole time. Been there done that. And I finally realized that life was too short to spend the rest of my days with someone who cared so little for me or my happiness.

 

We had gone to marriage counseling the night before he moved out and when I went to bed that night, he got back on the affair websites. The next evening (Fri) is when I confronted him about it and he packed his stuff and left. He came back the following Mon after I had left for work and found that he couldn't get back into the house. He came to my work and yelled "I can't believe you did that", I said "I can't believe a lot of what you have been doing." I let him follow me home to get some more clothes and he had the nerve to ask me when I was going to work on this marriage. I did not answer him as I had already told my attorney to file the divorce. He wasn't served for another month but made no effort to even contact me unless he wanted something. So I knew there was no chance of working on things. He just wanted me to put up with his crap and keep my mouth shut. So the whole "changes can be made" yeah right. When he11 freezes over. I can't blame you for not waiting. Like I said before life is too short and you deserve to be happy. So run to the attorney's office and get out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky - I don't think I ever forgave any any capacity sexually or from the heart. It wasn't a "one night stand" payback to get back at me...it occurred several times with another friends wife. Don't know if some random stranger would have made it any easier but that doesn't matter now. I resent him all the say around for the whole affair. There were some days I could almost forget and sweep under the rug, but forgiving him for something he promised he would never do, well it is just too much.

But didn't you - in your marriage vows - make the same promise to him ? I'm trying to figure out how his affair breaks trust but yours doesn't...

 

Mr. Lucky