justamess Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I need your help. I am 45 years of age, married for 21 years, 2 delightful children with a wife who is my best friend and confidante. I connect with her on an intellectual and emotional level like no one else. I love her, and I never want to hurt her. I have hurt her, with some indiscretions and she was horribly wounded, but has stuck with me. I have been struggling for a long, long time with gay feelings. I am not satisfied nor particularly interested in sex with her. I have made her happy, and we have had sexual encounters, but I rarely am satisfied. I have done so out of love for her and my happiness has come second. We have not often had sex, and that was an issue for me at one point, but what we enjoy companionship, child-rearing, partnership, friendship, sharing, has outweighed my needs in that regard. I thought I could suppress my feelings for the rest of my life. I don't think I can anymore, and I need some advice. Please do not be harsh; I need help to work through this. (Yes, I have IC set up for Monday - earliest I could get - but I am worried this will come to a head before then.) (1) Do I break up a family and 21 year legacy for being gay? (2) How do I do that? Is there a right time to do that? I don't want it to be around Christmas or birthdays. By way of background, I work in a field that *does not tolerate* gay lifestyle, and recently was transferred about 1.5 hours away, where I have set up my own basement suite and I travel back on weekends to see the family. This situation was out of my control but has served to bring to light my feelings. This evening we will spend some much needed time together. Tomorrow night the one child is at a sleepover and the eldest will be home. I am scared, very scared, that it will come up and we will have to deal with it then. More background: she did find some texts and pics of me chatting with other men, and we had a blowout about this about a year and half back. She said: "If you are gay, then let's work this out and we will go our separate ways amicably"; I was not at all ready to confront this then and denied it. She is a very perceptive woman and I think she knows deep down. Please help. Justamess Link to post Share on other sites
ConstantVoyager Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 It's not fair to yourself or your wife to stay in the marriage. You need to talk about it as soon as possible when the kids aren't around. This is your life. Put yourself in the best position to actually be happy. Hopefully as gay rights advance, fewer and fewer men and women will be put in this position. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I have to agree with ConstantVoyager. Maybe you can find a therapist who has experience in this to make is easier for all concerned including your children. Everyone deserves to be happy and it is not fair to you or your wife to be in this position but I think your biggest concern should be how you can help your children deal with it. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I am writing this purely for the benefit of your wife as i am myself on the receiving end here. Basic facts: 12 years of marriage and 2 small kids, 2 months living separate, currently divorcing 1. Just do it - there is no good time for coming clean. From experience can tell you, even if she suspected put so blank it will still be a shock and hurt her like hell. You have taken enough time. Your wife also has the right for a normal and healthy relationship than living a lie 2. Be prepared to loose a friend you had in your wife - i shut the door and sealed it, there is no way back. Of course she might react better and be more forgiving and generous. 3. Be prepared for anger and rage (again only personal experience here) 4. Have some decency and dont fight about petty things. 5. Make clear you still want to stay a good father for the children ( i assume you want this) 6. If you are hoping for understanding - forget it. No reasoning on earth will make me see it differently - he stole 12 years of my life. I dont want to put you off or be harsh, its only my opinion and life. Divorce and separation irrespective of the reasons put people in extrem circumstances and hurt them, us.... but... we pull ourselves together, rumble here and there a bit and carry on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IndecisionIsTorture Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 (1) Do I break up a family and 21 year legacy for being gay? (2) How do I do that? Is there a right time to do that? I don't want it to be around Christmas or birthdays. 1) You're already doing it. You can choose to do it slowly and painfully over a long time, or you can choose to do it quickly and painfully so everyone can start the healing process sooner. Either way it's gonna suck initially. 2) If you look for reasons not to do it you'll always find something. Christmas, birthdays, someone gets sick, someone is stressed about something else, Valentine's day, anniversaries...etc... Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Everyone deserves to be happy and be themselves. You deserve to be happy and find someone that you truly love and loves you and your wife deserves the same. End it amicably, as she suggested and begin to live the life that you know in your heart that you should. This is your only life, no redos, no rewinds. Live it fully. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 She found out a year and a half ago and was open to discussing it as well as divorce. She was ready, but you weren't. What did you tell her back then to make her feel she was mistaken? Depending on how convinced she was, she may suspect or not. That's what is going to upset her. She won't be shocked, she won't be as upset about the cheating as she will the lie of one and a half years . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justamess Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 We spoke last night. She is an amazing woman. No judgement. Heart-broken, sad, a little angry, but we are going to give it some time, figure things out and ease into a transition either way. We are still very close. I wonder if we won't stay together, honestly. There are some other issues with myself that I must work out. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I have never cried so very much, or as profoundly, as I have in the past day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wellthissucks Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 You did the right thing. Being gay is not something that you can hide for the rest of your life, and there is no shame in being gay. You were literally born this way. It is not a curse or a sin. I know that you love her and don't want to hurt her, but it is an unfortunate side effect of spending a lifetime lying to yourself and therefore her. So let the healing begin now. Just because you can't be together as husband and wife any longer doesn't mean that you can't stay close (after giving her some space to heal, of course) and be excellent co-parents. It may also be time to start thinking about a career change to something less homophobic. No wonder you have hidden this aspect from yourself for so long, being in an environment like that. You will feel much freer and more yourself if you are able to be open about who you are. Now, to be clear, I am not suggesting that you come out if you feel unsafe to do so. But start putting the pieces in place to make you feel safe so you can do it. Yes, you will lose some people who can't handle their worldview challenged in the way that you will challenge it, but that is their problem, not yours and please don't internalize it. We only get one life, that we know of - you have to do what makes you happy and your most authentic self. No one wants to look back on their life and realize that they lived it entirely for other people. Good luck! This will be a difficult road but I think you will find true, personal freedom on the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
Brook76stone Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry you're going through this. Really am! Take your time dealing with this difficult issue. It's never easy to tell someone you're not who they thought you were. But, since you've gone this far please at least be real honest with yourself now. Don't settle for settling! You were brave for doing what you did. Timing is always a bitch and different for each one of us so I won't judge you for only telling her now. You had your reasons.... I'm about the same age as you and also just told my wife I'm not happy anymore after 20+ years. Probably going through the same things as you...it's tough and lonely at times but at least we're dealing with the truth and not lies. Good luck to both of you and stay the course being honest and working on your marriage! The truth shall set you free, right? Edited October 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove personally identifiable information Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Justamess, despite what you may think about yourself, I find in your writings a very strong man. You may have your personal weaknesses but you are not afraid to attack them head-on. It sounds, from the way you describe it, that (except for sex) you have an unbelievably good relationship with your wife. (Again by your description), it sounds like the relationship that most of us (with troubled relationships) wish that we had. I qualify my statements because there may be issues that you haven't shared or issues that your wife has shared with you. You have to be honest and true to yourself, and to her, though, and she will have to do likewise. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 How about not being selfish? It's not all about you anymore once you are married with children. You made this bed, now sleep in it. You lied to your wife already. What you need to do is have some self control over your sexual urges. You're going to throw a great relationship away over that? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 How about not being selfish? It's not all about you anymore once you are married with children. You made this bed, now sleep in it. You lied to your wife already. What you need to do is have some self control over your sexual urges. You're going to throw a great relationship away over that? Riiiiiight. While we're at it, we'll tell that blind guy to smarten up and "take a look at this." Link to post Share on other sites
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