Uncertain relationship dynamics [revised for easier reading]

[sunrise24]

(This post has been condensed from its original version at the suggestion of Who_Knows)

 

Has anybody ever formed a deep emotional attachment to a child with no blood relation to you? I'm in that situation now & I don't know how to keep moving forward...

 

I've been back in the lives of a single mom and her 8-year-old daughter for almost 3 weeks now. I've continued to nurture the bond between the daughter and I, and have helped facilitate many changes in the mom's life, mainly regarding decluttering and its many associated benefits. The mom's boyfriend and I also get along very well.

 

Recently, significant tension occurred between the mom and I, with her daughter present; the mom got angry at me, claiming the dynamics between her daughter and I were stressful for her. She said that she wanted to enjoy her quality time with her daughter, having felt like she hadn't seen her in a long time. Awkwardness quickly permeated the air; I went to do things by myself, until the mom found me & apologized for being stressed out. I thought to myself: "You ought to apologize to your daughter."

The boyfriend has also taken note of the mom's being overcommitted with volunteer work (she still has virtually no income; he is the breadwinner) & taking her anger out on him. He has mentioned that she should scale down her commitments, but apparently, she has yet to respond accordingly. I used to think her emotional baggage was mostly external, but it seems to be mainly internal. The boyfriend, daughter, and I have repeatedly been on the receiving end of the resulting unhealthy emotions.

 

I'm concerned about the example the mom is setting for her daughter; the biological father claims that she is an incompetent parent (hence ongoing court battles). Every time the mom takes her anger out on her daughter & those who truly care about her; every time she lets herself get overwhelmed with busyness... she feeds that claim.

 

I strive to set a healthy example for the daughter; she takes very well to me, especially regarding playing together, learning vocabulary, and receiving homework help.

 

It's tempting to just walk away from it all, but being absent from the daughter's life feels like abandoning her; the bond we share is undeniable, including from the boyfriend's observations. She is like a daughter to me. Besides, she loves her mom very much; I believe it means a lot to her that I care very much for her mom despite all the drama.

 

Insight is greatly appreciated; feel free to request elaboration as deemed helpful. I look forward to an enlightening discussion.

Edited October 25, 2013 by sunrise24

[BeingMe]

I'm really worried about your role in this dynamic.

 

You had a relationship with the mother. You bonded with the daughter. The mother is now in a relationship with someone else. In your original post you praised the parenting of the mother. But now you're saying awful things about her and less than a month has passed. I have a feeling that she has not changed, but that something in you has, and not in a healthy way.

 

I feel that you should withdraw. You seem to be over empathising (projecting?) with the daughter, to the detriment of her relationship with her mother. You are not a knight in shining armour here, you are starting to become toxic. I hear that you care for the daughter, so to prevent further harm to her relationship with her mother, leave them alone.

[todreaminblue]

difficult situation.....lots of heartache imminent.....you need to talk to the mother not the child on what you feel and where you want the relationship to go....kudos for biondign with the daughter that si a beautiful thing...

 

 

as you have said however the child loves her mother however messed up she is....if you are in a relationship because you are holding commitment to a child....it isnt right....you are goign to end up with resetnment and the child will see you resenting her mother........if you love the mother and the daughter and are committed to forming a family unit...then yes.......be honest with the mum....see how it goes, it is a hard situation with which i wish you well.....deb

[sunrise24]

You had a relationship with the mother.

I met the mother on Dec. 18, 2011; it has always been a platonic relationship. What happened was that toward the end of last year, I fell in love with her, but she didn't feel the same way.

In your original post you praised the parenting of the mother.

I was 25 at the time; I was deeply in love with her, so I only highlighted the positive aspects of her, hoping that a romantic relationship was possible. Everyone who contributed to the original topic nevertheless agreed that there was nothing romantic developing.

But now you're saying awful things about her and less than a month has passed.

Less than a month has passed since I reentered their lives, not since the original topic; at the end of this past January, I left and was away for 8 months. Ultimately, I left because I realized I had a lot to learn about taking care of myself and a lot of maturing to do. I felt I had done all I could do for her at that point.

I'm speaking from experience; I'm not the only one who has noticed the aforementioned negative behavior. Even one of the contributors to the original topic casually noted the baggage that she has.

I have a feeling that she has not changed, but that something in you has, and not in a healthy way.

I also have a feeling that she has not necessarily changed on the inside.

Yes, I have changed; I have shed my romantic feelings for her and now see both the positive and the negative in her. I used to ignore the negatives as if they were irrelevant. The positive characteristics that I originally described and experienced are still there; here, I've added some of the negative characteristics to paint a more complete picture.

 

The boyfriend and I both believe that the positive characteristics of the mom ultimately outweigh the negatives, hence our continued investment in the well-being of her and her daughter.

 

However, since I no longer have romantic feelings for the mom, homewrecking is of no concern to me.

[BeingMe]

Sunrise,you posted positively about her earlier in October.

 

Why are you posting about her on a public forum like this? Why the change in your attitude towards her? Being able to bond with a child is a wonderful thing - but not at the expense of getting in between the child and her parent. You admit that you are doing this. Why not back off?

Edited October 25, 2013 by BeingMe

[sunrise24]

Sunrise,you posted positively about her earlier in October.

Oh yes, the church event and the heart-to-heart talk.

 

Well, when you haven't seen someone in 8 months, it's natural to express stronger than usual emotions, kind of a "positive shock" phenomenon (don't know how else to phrase it at the moment). When regular interaction is reestablished, the emotions tend to level off.

 

As for the heart-to-heart talk... she was drunk again, as with all the "most intimate" moments of the past. She's not quite the same when sober as when she's had too much to drink. I was too quick to jump to conclusions; my mistake.

 

Why are you posting about her on a public forum like this?

Because I have been feeling stuck.

Why the change in your attitude towards her?

A combination of continually expanding awareness and the natural fluctuation in my emotions. What you all are witnessing is me during periods of alone time (which I have plenty of), when my emotions are allowed to run their course. In the presence of others, I (at least strive to) keep my emotions closely in check.

If it sounds like I'm venting, I am. The least I can do is avoid letting negative emotions bottle up.

Being able to bond with a child is a wonderful thing - but not at the expense of getting in between the child and her parent. You admit that you are doing this.

Did I admit that I was actually getting in between the daughter and her mother?

Why not back off?

I already did that for 8 months; I missed the daughter too much. I know there's no logical reasoning behind it & no legal obligation to her on my end, but it felt like I had abandoned her.

 

 

One more piece of clarification:

the child will see you resenting her mother...

I'm concerned for the mother, not resentful of her. The current nature of my involvement in her life is helping her to focus on what is truly important to her, exemplified by ongoing decluttering and also helping to streamline the morning routine of getting her daughter ready for school (there are other examples as well). Edited October 25, 2013 by sunrise24

[BeingMe]

Recently, significant tension occurred between the mom and I, with her daughter present; the mom got angry at me, claiming the dynamics between her daughter and I were stressful for her. She said that she wanted to enjoy her quality time with her daughter, having felt like she hadn't seen her in a long time.

 

This is what I was referring to. The mum feels that you are getting in the way of her relationship with her daughter and told you so. She apologised for getting angry and your reaction was to internally berate her for not directing it to her daughter. But it was you that she was angry with. And it's interesting that you mention it as an example of her getting angry, but fail to address her actual issue with you.

 

It may just be the way that you're phrasing things, but it does read as if you are overly emotionally involved with this child. Even a father would not want to get in the way of the other parental relationship. And you are not in that role, nor does the mother wish you to be (given that she has turned you down and has a partner).

 

Are you able to look honestly at yourself and work out why you need this relationship with the child? Why it is so important to you? And why do you talk quite disparagingly of her mother?

[sunrise24]

That is only a notable example of the mom taking her anger out on others; my posts would be too long if I kept listing more.

 

She got angry with me when it became apparent that her daughter wasn't settling down for her to be able to read a story (we were on the trampoline; not the most compatible setting); the daughter was in a happy, playful mood. Essentially, things weren't going as the mom specifically desired; she responded with anger, instead of healthier alternatives.

About my internal thought: her daughter doesn't deserve that kind of example. Then again, I personally have little need for receiving apologies, even if I do feel wronged; I attribute that to resilience and an emphasis on problem solving.

 

She has significant emotional baggage (her apology signifies that she realized she was stressing unnecessarily), but hasn't been adequately taking the time to address the root causes. She doesn't make enough free time due to being overcommitted; it's challenging to identify root causes of unhealthy behavior. My point is: taking her anger out on those who truly care about her is not a healthy example to be setting for her daughter.

 

Also, the mom has the majority of custody time with her daughter; she is very lucky in this context. It's a matter of perspective, which the mom also seems to lack.

 

It begs an important question: am I getting in the way of their relationship? Or is her own lack of emotional control getting in the way? I'm inclined toward the latter.

 

My relationship with the daughter is not necessary per se; it is fulfilling. She has taught me so much about interacting with children, unleashing my inner child, and the meaning of being a sincere parental figure. I learned a lot from my own upbringing - mostly about how not to be; I have learned powerful life lessons that I would love to pass on to her, especially since I endured virtually every major life challenge she is currently enduring (at least the ones I know about), hence the empathy.

 

Keep in mind that I only post here (and talk about her this way) during alone time; the time to let my emotions run their course. My ultimate purpose in posting this is to make sense of how my concerns can be addressed.

 

Regardless of how "disparaging" I may sound (a rather subjective perception), the behavior I have illustrated has implications that I feel are too important to ignore; some discomfort now can prevent much more pain years down the road.

 

A few more specifics I want to address:

 

It may just be the way that you're phrasing things...

I'm not sure how else to phrase the phenomenon of having a deep emotional attachment despite no blood relation, hence my opening question; I was wondering if anyone else here has experienced this, because it's novel for me.

 

And why do you talk quite disparagingly of her mother?

Okay; if you were witnessing behavior such as what I've described, how would you phrase it?

 

And you are not in that role, nor does the mother wish you to be (given that she has turned you down and has a partner).

To clarify, she turned me down as a lover, not as a true friend or someone for her daughter to look up to. Edited October 26, 2013 by sunrise24

[BeingMe]

Sunrise, you're refusing to really engage with thinking about whether you're getting in the way of the relationship between the mother and the child. I wonder why?

 

Instead you, yet again, disparage the mother as a way of deflecting the question.

 

You seem to see yourself as some kind of saviour/hero. You're just a human being.

 

There's no point trying to talk to you. You don't want to engage with anything that doesn't fit your own agenda.

 

FWIW, though, if it were me, I'd back off from the family and let them figure it out for themselves - that's the way to truly let people grow and mature.

[sunrise24]

There's no point trying to talk to you. You don't want to engage with anything that doesn't fit your own agenda.

You are entitled to that viewpoint; it was nice hearing from you anyway.

 

Does anyone else have any insight or questions to share?

Edited October 27, 2013 by sunrise24

[turnera]

I already did that for 8 months; I missed the daughter too much.

Dude, this is not healthy. You need to back off.