Daisy2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 After agreeing not to see each other but continuing to talk on the phone, he asks to see me 3 weeks later. Like a dummy I go and he asks to see me again, and he is loving, sweet, and more intimate than ever. Then, this week, goes cold. He continues to call and says he wants to see me again, but not this week because he is in his "mood." He's moody, he was before the A started, when he just wants to be alone. He's miserable in life and his job. Blah blah. I understand his moodiness because I fight depression, but being with those I love lifts me, and I can't understand why it doesn't for him. Why would he not want to see me if it would make him feel better? He says multiple times this week he loves me, is in love with me, and the only reason he is smiling and sounding happy because he is talking to me at that moment, but won't see me. He said what he wants to do "is run to me" but I don't buy it. If I say I'm feeling down too and could use a hug , it doesn't matter. He still won't see me. I gotta grow a backbone and get out. He is throwing me into depression that's causing physical pain. I just don't get it. I'm not stupid, I have a good job and a head on my shoulders. Except here. Why can't I quit loving him? I don't grovel, whine or chase or demand. I accept what is without question. In fact, I stay strong and brave, making it an easy out. But he doesn't go. I need to go. Ugh! Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 (((Daisy2013))) when love hurts it's time to evaluate the situation. I'm sorry. All I can say is an A is just like an addiction and to end it you have to go through the withdraw to come out to the other side. Just my past experience as a fMOW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 When it brings you more pain than joy, it's time to end it. (((Daisy))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 How can he be in love and then pull away. This is so frustrating and I am on the other end of this frequently. I dont know about you but I dont know if Im coming or going sometimes and it gets so draining. It does make me depressed too. Your right, what does it take for us to stop loving them? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 You are now feeling the effects of settling and accepting things as they are and it's not good enough for you anymore. Glad to see that you are on the verge (thinking about anyway) on ending things. Start small. Stop relying on him for your own personal happiness. To rely on a man, or anybody else to make you feel good and happy is not healthy. Start getting busy, find a fun hobby, something passionate that will make you feel good and you'll benefit from. Hang out with women friends, and laugh! Find time for you. Pamper yourself. go shopping, have a spa day, treat yourself to a new haircut. Detach from him. Stop telling him things about your life, stop asking about his. Distance yourself bit by bit until you're ready to say goodbye. Stop having sex with him, or any other forms of intimacy. Keep contact minimal until you're ready to pull the plug. Stop 'waiting' for him, brush him off when he finds time for you. Don't be so available! If you can take it day by day and do your best to not think of him so much, focus on other things and people in your life, hopefully it'll help and be easier to let go of him. in time you can change your cell number and/or block him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 That is the solution to this problem. I have always been available and attentive because our time is so limited. But it doesn't always go the other way. He only spend 12 minutes over the past couple days connecting with me and asks today if I miss and crave him. Little does he realize that the less contact I have with him the less I miss him. Interesting how they sometimes feel that they are so special that you will always be there. He has said that I make him feel like he is the only man on earth. Well things are shifting and Im tired of not being appreciated and taken for granted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Thank each of you for your hugs and support, it is helping me hold on right now...facing the truth...that I am someone's whim, not his love. Totally my own fault. Funny thing is, when I pull back to distance myself, he starts asking if I miss him and am thinking about him, that he misses me and is thinking about me. Why go to this trouble? Side pieces are a dime a dozen, why play this game? That 3 weeks of not seeing him really did help and I was stronger and found myself ok not seeing him because I thought he really dumped me that time as he told me he wouldn't see me again bc he had to honor his commitment no matter how miserable. He even asked if the absence was making my heart grow fonder, as it was his. Again, thank each of you. The pain is great, but I will muddle through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 After agreeing not to see each other but continuing to talk on the phone, he asks to see me 3 weeks later. Like a dummy I go and he asks to see me again, and he is loving, sweet, and more intimate than ever. Then, this week, goes cold. He continues to call and says he wants to see me again, but not this week because he is in his "mood." He's moody, he was before the A started, when he just wants to be alone. He's miserable in life and his job. Blah blah. I understand his moodiness because I fight depression, but being with those I love lifts me, and I can't understand why it doesn't for him. Why would he not want to see me if it would make him feel better? He says multiple times this week he loves me, is in love with me, and the only reason he is smiling and sounding happy because he is talking to me at that moment, but won't see me. He said what he wants to do "is run to me" but I don't buy it. If I say I'm feeling down too and could use a hug , it doesn't matter. He still won't see me. I gotta grow a backbone and get out. He is throwing me into depression that's causing physical pain. I just don't get it. I'm not stupid, I have a good job and a head on my shoulders. Except here. Why can't I quit loving him? I don't grovel, whine or chase or demand. I accept what is without question. In fact, I stay strong and brave, making it an easy out. But he doesn't go. I need to go. Ugh! Daisy, with his moodiness this guy prob wouldn't be an easy one to live with. People don't treat you the way they do because of who you are or the circumstances you're interacting with them in. People treat you the way they do because of who they are. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't act this way with his W and family, too. Be glad you have the opportunity to escape without going thru a D with him! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Thank each of you for your hugs and support, it is helping me hold on right now...facing the truth...that I am someone's whim, not his love. Totally my own fault. Funny thing is, when I pull back to distance myself, he starts asking if I miss him and am thinking about him, that he misses me and is thinking about me. Why go to this trouble? Side pieces are a dime a dozen, why play this game? That 3 weeks of not seeing him really did help and I was stronger and found myself ok not seeing him because I thought he really dumped me that time as he told me he wouldn't see me again bc he had to honor his commitment no matter how miserable. He even asked if the absence was making my heart grow fonder, as it was his. Again, thank each of you. The pain is great, but I will muddle through. Of course, it's the 'distance yourself and get busy and then he comes looking for you and wants attention' happening now. So, see if you can go longer. You're gonna be fine! Trust me, the less time spent with him and busier you get ,less focus on him you will just detach. The key is you take control here and YOU call the shots on YOUR terms. take control and your power back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LaceyFace Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Daisy, with his moodiness this guy prob wouldn't be an easy one to live with. People don't treat you the way they do because of who you are or the circumstances you're interacting with them in. People treat you the way they do because of who they are. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't act this way with his W and family, too. Be glad you have the opportunity to escape without going thru a D with him! So true but we fail to see this and continue to love them Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Of course, it's the 'distance yourself and get busy and then he comes looking for you and wants attention' happening now. So, see if you can go longer. You're gonna be fine! Trust me, the less time spent with him and busier you get ,less focus on him you will just detach. The key is you take control here and YOU call the shots on YOUR terms. take control and your power back. That's just it! I found myself detaching. While I still loved him, I was growing stronger and found myself detaching. When he asked if the time apart was making my love grow fonder, I found it wasn't, it was distancing me...and it was unsettling. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but without nurture it cannot grow. I am working to get to that place again and have decided not to be available nor answer my phone when he calls again. I am going to be the strong one in this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 That's just it! I found myself detaching. While I still loved him, I was growing stronger and found myself detaching. When he asked if the time apart was making my love grow fonder, I found it wasn't, it was distancing me...and it was unsettling. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but without nurture it cannot grow. I am working to get to that place again and have decided not to be available nor answer my phone when he calls again. I am going to be the strong one in this. Good for you! As time goes on it'll get easier. Don't let him have a lot of head space either! Push thoughts of him away, distract yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
LaceyFace Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 How can he be in love and then pull away. This is so frustrating and I am on the other end of this frequently. I dont know about you but I dont know if Im coming or going sometimes and it gets so draining. It does make me depressed too. Your right, what does it take for us to stop loving them? That is EXACTALLY how I feel. Reading all these posts I'm sure we can all agree we are describing a part of our own situation. The signs are clear to us but we can't move on. Is it really that amazing true love that we will never find again?! I'm stuck....it sucks...and as happy as I am with him...I am equally as miserable and sad by the situation. Stay strong we will all get thru this Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts