married to a cold, low libido man. How can I make it work?

[Nyla]

Good lord. You want sex 3 times a day? You have too much testosterone and he obviously has none.

 

You've turned into the man in this relationship.

 

Having a high sex drive does not mean a woman is "acting like a man."

[InnocentMan]

Is it just me or can anyone else see why an outgoing art lover may have turned into a somewhat reclusive, depressed man who is avoiding intimacy with his wife?

 

I felt depressed just reading this thread. That poor man.

[Nyla]

Did you even tell your husband about the "emotional affair"? Had you not mentioned this in your post, I might have sided with you. But it seems that you just aren't into married life but rather want an exciting lifestyle like a 20 year old.

 

I agree. Maybe she should just divorce her husband and go live the life she wants.

 

The grass isn't always greener and some people find that out the hard way.

 

When my husband and I were dating, we broke up because of his commitment and maturity issues. On the rebound, I started dating this guy who was far more romantic than my husband. As our little escapade wore on, I noticed several traits that made me very uncomfortable. It was then that I realized that the grass isn't always greener and certain things were more important than others.

 

My husband and I reconciled and now we are married. He is a very romantic and caring hubby. I am so glad that I didn't let pride keep me from going back to my true love.

[Nyla]

LOL. I don't know any women with this type of sex drive. Just men. I'm sure they exist, but they AREN'T the norm.

 

Do you think that the few women you know in this world represent every woman? Also, you don't know if these women are telling you the truth. Women who have high drives are often shamed, so many of us hide that fact from others.

 

I agree that there are more men with high drives than women, however I think it is rather ignorant and short sighted to say a woman is a man just because her drive is high.

 

I am ALL woman and I enjoy frequent sex as well. My husband is very happy and satisfied; he enjoys my passionate approach to sex.

[emotionlessbutalive]

Hi, I logged in after a long time and thankful for helpful notes. Even thank you to those whp said Ia m turning into a man. I feel that sometimes to too, except I am NOT going out of my marriage and trying to make it work

 

So simce last time, I discussed with him and gave him a lot of love and care and made him feel that I need him in my life and guess what he improved... He is so much changed, but still no sex. Its me too, not just him. I am building his confidence and making him feel wanted.

 

YOu guys are right he was depressed and I was frustrated.

[Outsider77]

I'm glad that things are getting better. He probably still needs therapy. I think if you guys both keep working at it things will continue to get better

[jba10582]

Please allow yourself to consider the possibility that low testosterone levels (due to to what?) may also be contributing.

[emotionlessbutalive]

Please allow yourself to consider the possibility that low testosterone levels (due to to what?) may also be contributing.

 

I do want to have a healthy sex life. how can I improve it?

[emotionlessbutalive]

I'm glad that things are getting better. He probably still needs therapy. I think if you guys both keep working at it things will continue to get better

 

It looks like everything is in my hand in this relationship...too much of work...

[jba10582]

I do want to have a healthy sex life. how can I improve it?

 

Activities that get him emotionally engaged in a "manly" way. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves or something they were able to accomplish. Is there something in your life or maybe in his mind that would allow him to have these feelings again. Is there something the he is passionate about the would allow him to feel that surge of hormones again to feel alive and in charge of himself and who he IS.

 

I remember my ex saying something to me on how a guy at the grocery store reminded her of her crazy brother, and she allowed herself to feel angry and down for the rest of the day because of a thought loop that re-played in her mind over and over again, and the negative emotions were able to take over her state for the rest of the day...it was something I do not control directly, but, maybe I could have distracted her in a way that allowed postive thoughts to re-engage her mind and break that negative thought loop. Now, imagine that there was something in your life, or, maybe something you have done together that would allow him to feel like the man he wants to be. It's not such a crazy idea when you notice things that he identifies with, that, once triggered allow him to re-visit that internal state that gets him pumped up or excited about something, maybe even un-related to sex. Could it be that stress levels are too high somewhere? Could a song, a movie, exercising, watching a sport, eating something that pushes his libido to new levels, or may doing something exciting that would allow the rush of adrenaline to flow through his blood. These are ideas and postive influences that may allow these influx hormones flowing again and again.

[nicepuzzle]

Activities that get him emotionally engaged in a "manly" way. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves or something they were able to accomplish. Is there something in your life or maybe in his mind that would allow him to have these feelings again. Is there something the he is passionate about the would allow him to feel that surge of hormones again to feel alive and in charge of himself and who he IS.

 

I remember my ex saying something to me on how a guy at the grocery store reminded her of her crazy brother, and she allowed herself to feel angry and down for the rest of the day because of a thought loop that re-played in her mind over and over again, and the negative emotions were able to take over her state for the rest of the day...it was something I do not control directly, but, maybe I could have distracted her in a way that allowed postive thoughts to re-engage her mind and break that negative thought loop. Now, imagine that there was something in your life, or, maybe something you have done together that would allow him to feel like the man he wants to be. It's not such a crazy idea when you notice things that he identifies with, that, once triggered allow him to re-visit that internal state that gets him pumped up or excited about something, maybe even un-related to sex. Could it be that stress levels are too high somewhere? Could a song, a movie, exercising, watching a sport, eating something that pushes his libido to new levels, or may doing something exciting that would allow the rush of adrenaline to flow through his blood. These are ideas and postive influences that may allow these influx hormones flowing again and again.

 

Its best to continue to make happy first and than expect sex. Sex is connected to some man and its not just sex.

[Iguanna]

Isn't it possible that this person is not interested in sex? (kinda like asexual people)

[Catfish]

OP,

 

I posted this on your other thread. This sounds like classic Low T. I know because I had it also. I got treated and it's made a world of difference. It's like I was in a fog. It is affecting you also. Your sexual attraction is tied to the other man's Testosterone level. Get it fixed and the PASSION will be back.

 

This is no joke.

 

I wonder how many divorces have been caused by Low T.

[emotionlessbutalive]

OP,

 

I posted this on your other thread. This sounds like classic Low T. I know because I had it also. I got treated and it's made a world of difference. It's like I was in a fog. It is affecting you also. Your sexual attraction is tied to the other man's Testosterone level. Get it fixed and the PASSION will be back.

 

This is no joke.

 

I wonder how many divorces have been caused by Low T.

 

What kind of physicians u have to see to treat this? Where should I send him? You are so true. I dont feel attracted to him since he doesnt want me like other men do...

[Catfish]

OP,

 

Go to the Doctor with your Husband. Make him go! Watch him get the test. Men tend to not go and they do not like Blood Tests. Push, Pull, Drag and Plead. Get this done ASAP. He's probably in denial. I was. My wife took me to get my Blood drawn.

 

Get your Husband tested ASAP.

[Catfish]

Any Family Practice Physician or General Practice Doctor will do. You just need a script for the Blood Test. Tell the office when you make the appointment that he needs a Blood Test. Get it done in one visit.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

have high morals... and maturbate instead with porn.

 

 

 

Gosh, when a man looks at porn, he is labeled by Loveshackers as being near to the lowest of the low, but when a woman looks at porn, she is merely exercising high morality.

 

Yet nobody around here ever observes the double standard...

[emotionlessbutalive]

Gosh, when a man looks at porn, he is labeled by Loveshackers as being near to the lowest of the low, but when a woman looks at porn, she is merely exercising high morality.

 

Yet nobody around here ever observes the double standard...

 

there is a difference. When a man is addicted to porn and cheating and ignorent wife is taking care of kids. VS A woman who is so empty and dissatified and still doesnt want to cheat to make it work. What options she is left with to watch porn and satisfy herself. Rather than going and seeking a man to sleep with.

 

this thread issue and focus is not porn but about a lonely woman.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

there is a difference.

 

 

Then how come the answers are the same:

 

He/she should just be made to suck-it-up, and bear it sans porn, and no matter the contributing factors served up by the spouse.

 

 

We both know, that had your post been written by a man, most of those responding would have blamed you, for looking at the porn in the first place, and then reasoned that there is a whole lot more that you're not even telling us.

[emotionlessbutalive]

And the whole lot more is that I am stuck in a dead marriage trying to stay with him and yes watching porn since the other option is to leave and make my child live without a father. What options do I have? Affairs are bad and people judge even more. Infact after having an affair I compared my husband and hated him even more.sick and tired of trying to be positive and make it work. Whwre he doesn't even bother. Suck in bed, suck in finances, suck in being a provider. The only reason I am with him because I dont take away father from my child. Atleast she has a father now if i have nothing else.

[jba10582]

Your brain already knows what it is seeking and it has powerful ways of motivating you to take action as it continues to move you in the direction that you desire. AND you know that what that decision is as you decide to take action and responsibility for every consequences (both positive and negative) for what it is that you want.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Her brain already knows that the kid will still have a father, if indeed she opts to give the child half a chance at evolving to live in a healthy and happy environment as well.

[emotionlessbutalive]

Her brain already knows that the kid will still have a father, if indeed she opts to give the child half a chance at evolving to live in a healthy and happy environment as well.

 

And we do fake and create a happy environment for kid. Kid doesnt know what happens in bedroom. She gets the best. Its me who suffers and is suffocating in this relationship. I prefer that a man cheats but take cares of his family.

 

This man has no stable income, no plans of generating income, no savings, no retirement plans, no sex life and he sounds Ok with that. And I have second baby coming.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Kid doesnt know what happens in bedroom...

 

And I have second baby coming.

 

 

Ahhhhhh yes, the old story of the stork....

 

 

I've heard of that... but always via others, and in nursery rhymes and the like.

 

 

 

"'married to a cold, low libido man. How can I make it work?"

 

 

A: You caaaaaaaan't... were the gender roles reversed, everybody would know that you're harboring nothing more than a 'trophy wife'. Yet to do so would be far, far more acceptable(only because of societal 'tradition') (and far more do-able, too, in more ways than one) than is the case when one is harboring a 'trophy husband'.

 

Soon you're going to approach a point where those kid(s) are going to be more aware and impressionable, and beyond that point, is when you will begin to formulate their own blueprint relating to how they love and interact with others. At this pace, you are very likely to be sitting at Thanksgiving in 25 years with one randomly-effected member of your family, and nobody else, merely because a lifetime of examples of relating through battling will have torn familial relationships(the number of which, is about to double) to that extent. And lets not even contemplate just what sorts of personalities such impacted kids will in turn attract as their own lovers in due time.

 

Now it sounds like you have the ball here... as you're the one with the money, and the p*ssy, so you indisputably have the power.

 

So you are free at any point to rid yourself of the concern that was the original subject of this thread. Lots of women don't have such options laid-out as easily as you seem to have them.

 

The option is there for you... and the only variable beyond this stage is time...

 

 

In closing, just recognize that you're not trying to make this work for your own best interests, and most of us know that you're not trying to make this work for the kids' best interests (*see the above). You are trying to make this work because it hurts to have invested so much of yourself in what you can sense was (something less than the ideal selection, for you). And now, with so much invested, emotionally, it feels like losing everything if you back-up, back-out, and take what remains of your admittedly shrunken investment, and invest that remaining 'good emotional money' in something which could THRIVE for the sake of all three of you.

 

The guy who controlled his own destiny from the beginning simply does not rate any more of your time and concern.

 

The only difference between the beginning and today, is that now you have to think for three.

[emotionlessbutalive]

Ahhhhhh yes, the old story of the stork....

 

 

I've heard of that... but always via others, and in nursery rhymes and the like.

 

 

 

"'married to a cold, low libido man. How can I make it work?"

 

 

A: You caaaaaaaan't... were the gender roles reversed, everybody would know that you're harboring nothing more than a 'trophy wife'. Yet to do so would be far, far more acceptable(only because of societal 'tradition') (and far more do-able, too, in more ways than one) than is the case when one is harboring a 'trophy husband'.

 

Soon you're going to approach a point where those kid(s) are going to be more aware and impressionable, and beyond that point, is when you will begin to formulate their own blueprint relating to how they love and interact with others. At this pace, you are very likely to be sitting at Thanksgiving in 25 years with one randomly-effected member of your family, and nobody else, merely because a lifetime of examples of relating through battling will have torn familial relationships(the number of which, is about to double) to that extent. And lets not even contemplate just what sorts of personalities such impacted kids will in turn attract as their own lovers in due time.

 

Now it sounds like you have the ball here... as you're the one with the money, and the p*ssy, so you indisputably have the power.

 

So you are free at any point to rid yourself of the concern that was the original subject of this thread. Lots of women don't have such options laid-out as easily as you seem to have them.

 

The option is there for you... and the only variable beyond this stage is time...

 

 

In closing, just recognize that you're not trying to make this work for your own best interests, and most of us know that you're not trying to make this work for the kids' best interests (*see the above). You are trying to make this work because it hurts to have invested so much of yourself in what you can sense was (something less than the ideal selection, for you). And now, with so much invested, emotionally, it feels like losing everything if you back-up, back-out, and take what remains of your admittedly shrunken investment, and invest that remaining 'good emotional money' in something which could THRIVE for the sake of all three of you.

 

The guy who controlled his own destiny from the beginning simply does not rate any more of your time and concern.

 

The only difference between the beginning and today, is that now you have to think for three.

 

Are you saying, where there are gender roles are reversed, it doesnt work...? The sex is issue, it can be solved. He does not have acareer, it can be made.

 

Kids.... As I said in my previous answer. We are compatible, laugh and have fun. We are in a friends compatible releationship with few ups and down like everyone else have. Kid dont even notice those issues. We have a common goal to keep the kid happy and we are educated enough to not damage her. What she sees is a compatible parents relationship.

 

I am the one with the power and I dont like it. I want to be loved by a man, like a man. I dream to be taken care of and admored physically as a woman does and like all man want to do to me. Even today, I can have sex with one of my admirers and they love me like a man and I like that.

 

And that is my problem. I dont like the role reversed dont like a man who expects and being in charge is not sexy...

 

I want to fix it. Idont want to change everythng, but i deserve and man wants me sexually and that will make me attract to him and if he does well it will make him confident.