married to a cold, low libido man. How can I make it work?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

When the gender roles are reversed, and one has a trophy wife, instead of your trophy husband, it is largely because of societal traditions that the hollow and boring relationships they actually know can hang-on for so long.

 

When a man brings a trophy wife to various social events, he is congratulated by many, in one way or another. When you bring a trophy husband anywhere, people just point and laugh.

 

Furthermore, you can't even gain the sexual benefits from your trophy husband unless he is significantly aroused. The trophy wife of today can merely go through the motions that way while at the same time she paints her nails.

 

 

Given what you describe, you are most likely to have kids who seldom if ever see any hint of affection between their parents, and who will, from that, evolve to resist PDA's and the like, for PDA's having been so foreign to them.

 

And lets not even think about what kind of men any daughters raised by the two of you are going to be bringing home in the future.

 

So c'mon, a bread-winner with a healthy career, who, so far, won't even do anything for her own happiness??. That just isn't an example you want to set for kids of either gender. And to insult those kids further, before one is even born no less, by suggesting that they'll be completely fooled by your loving ways (while in their presence) is only increasing the huge hole you're digging.

[oldshirt]

A guy that doesn't have a job, doesn't do anything for his wife and family and has no desire or sexual appetite for his wife is no trophy.

 

A trophy is something you subliminally show off and say, "look how great I am that I got this!"

 

A trophy husband to women is what the rest of the world calls a Sugar Daddy. A Sugar Daddy pampers and spoils his woman and gives her whatever she wants as long as she is pretty and keeps his tank drained. This guy doesn't even do that.

 

I get the feeling she feels shame and embarrassment in having him.

 

She has no respect for him. No admiration for him. Other women don't desire him and aren't envious of her on an unspoken level so she doesn't value him.

 

This relationship cannot last like this. Women have to respect and admire and feel desired by their man in order to satisfied with him.

 

This gal doesn't. at all.

 

It's just a matter of time before she meets someone that is more ambitious, more driven to success (what the OP considers success, not necessarily what the rest of us consider success) and who feels a desire for her.

 

When this happens she is going to be out the door. She could meet this guy on a Friday and have her bags packed and be out of the house by Sunday.

[emotionlessbutalive]

A guy that doesn't have a job, doesn't do anything for his wife and family and has no desire or sexual appetite for his wife is no trophy.

 

A trophy is something you subliminally show off and say, "look how great I am that I got this!"

 

A trophy husband to women is what the rest of the world calls a Sugar Daddy. A Sugar Daddy pampers and spoils his woman and gives her whatever she wants as long as she is pretty and keeps his tank drained. This guy doesn't even do that.

 

I get the feeling she feels shame and embarrassment in having him.

 

She has no respect for him. No admiration for him. Other women don't desire him and aren't envious of her on an unspoken level so she doesn't value him.

 

This relationship cannot last like this. Women have to respect and admire and feel desired by their man in order to satisfied with him.

 

This gal doesn't. at all.

 

It's just a matter of time before she meets someone that is more ambitious, more driven to success (what the OP considers success, not necessarily what the rest of us consider success) and who feels a desire for her.

 

When this happens she is going to be out the door. She could meet this guy on a Friday and have her bags packed and be out of the house by Sunday.

 

I fantasize to be rescued by a desirable man, you are so right. I had an afair and fell in love, but with a man who wouldnt break his family for me. Even though he was in the same boat as me. I want to meet someone who can love me desire me, is successfull and smart... I might not break my marriage since I stick to old values of staying in marriage, but I will not stop myself from having an affair....

 

I agree I have no respect, love or desire for my husband. He gets something out of this relationshop, but I am unsatisfied and emoty deep inside.

 

We do look as a good couple and roles are reversed here, since i am his trophy wife... He looks good so any woman will take him with a blink of an ey but will dump him.... In my 15 years of courtship I might have come once with him and he doesnt even bother about this....

[oldshirt]

 

We do look as a good couple and roles are reversed here, since i am his trophy wife... He looks good so any woman will take him with a blink of an ey but will dump him.... In my 15 years of courtship I might have come once with him and he doesnt even bother about this....

 

Again, I really think you are overestimating your importance in his life and are overestimating the negative impact you will have on dissolving this marriage.

 

You are projecting that other women will not want him and will dump him. You think that because you are dissatisfied with him and are going to dump him. You are projecting disillusionment onto other women. Some other gal may be perfectly happy with him and he with her.

 

You are also projecting that he is bad in bed. He is bad in bed with YOU. He doesn't push your buttons. That doesn't mean he won't pop off fireworks all night long every night with someone else.

 

You're break up is inevitable. You are either going to reach your breaking point or find someone else one day or he will.

 

I'd bet my last dollar that if someone were to have a heart to heart convo with him, that he would say that he is terribly unhappy and miserable with you but that he won't pull the plug because you have children and that it would break you and that no other man would have you and that you would be miserable without him.

 

Your break up is inevitable. Only two questions remain. one is which one of you is going to pull the plug first? And the other is how many more years are both you going to endure before it happens?

[oldshirt]

 

I want to meet someone who can love me desire me, is successfull and smart... I might not break my marriage since I stick to old values of staying in marriage, but I will not stop myself from having an affair....

 

That really is one of the most selfish, foolish and most dysfunctional things I have ever read here.

 

You are condemning two people to a life of misery, frustration, disappointment, despair, intractable dissatisfaction and loneliness because of simple stubbornness and some misguided sense of chivalry probably taught to you by someone who was as equally miserable and desperate in their own marriage.

 

And not only are you saying you won't let both of you move on with your lives to find peace and contentment but you are saying that you will cheat and inflict adultery upon him if the opportunity arises.

 

That is all inhumane and cruel.

 

Yes there will be some sadness and mourning when the divorce comes, but holding on to a miserable marriage out of nothing but sheer determination not to leave is a cruelty far greater.

[janedoe67]

It was interesting to red the post you made in the first couple of pages about "forcing" him to do something. Do you do this often? Do you really "have to" take over everything or are you just impatient and want it done your way? Don't get me wrong, I can relate to a lot of your frustration. But it sounds like you have beaten him down.

[emotionlessbutalive]

 

I want to meet someone who can love me desire me, is successfull and smart... I might not break my marriage since I stick to old values of staying in marriage, but I will not stop myself from having an affair....

 

That really is one of the most selfish, foolish and most dysfunctional things I have ever read here.

 

You are condemning two people to a life of misery, frustration, disappointment, despair, intractable dissatisfaction and loneliness because of simple stubbornness and some misguided sense of chivalry probably taught to you by someone who was as equally miserable and desperate in their own marriage.

 

And not only are you saying you won't let both of you move on with your lives to find peace and contentment but you are saying that you will cheat and inflict adultery upon him if the opportunity arises.

 

That is all inhumane and cruel.

 

Yes there will be some sadness and mourning when the divorce comes, but holding on to a miserable marriage out of nothing but sheer determination not to leave is a cruelty far greater.

 

its amazing that, I dont ever read anything for the kids in your advice. For me thats selfish. Snatching a child's father from him, since your needs are not met. For me thats selfish. Its easy for me to get great sex and WHAT I WENT. But I am sacrificing my kids and if my husband is unhappy he can leave whenever he wants. He doesnt want to leave either. Atleast we both are in horrible marriage but giving a great secure life to kids.

 

I can bet you come from a broken home to have this opinion. I can live for children's happiness and thats what i am doing. If function for you is to break homes and change partners and give different parents, thats not my world.

[emotionlessbutalive]

It was interesting to red the post you made in the first couple of pages about "forcing" him to do something. Do you do this often? Do you really "have to" take over everything or are you just impatient and want it done your way? Don't get me wrong, I can relate to a lot of your frustration. But it sounds like you have beaten him down.

 

He doesnt do anythng *period*. If I can force him to do things he would have been successfull. He prefers to stay home, mke lunch dinners for himself,watch movies and make minimal wages. He is worst than a roomate. Regarding kid, he keeps him home too and doesnt take him out or teach him anyythng meaningful. He is a loser, in all means. thas amazing how loosers blame others for their failures.

[emotionlessbutalive]

Again, I really think you are overestimating your importance in his life and are overestimating the negative impact you will have on dissolving this marriage.

 

You are projecting that other women will not want him and will dump him. You think that because you are dissatisfied with him and are going to dump him. You are projecting disillusionment onto other women. Some other gal may be perfectly happy with him and he with her.

 

You are also projecting that he is bad in bed. He is bad in bed with YOU. He doesn't push your buttons. That doesn't mean he won't pop off fireworks all night long every night with someone else.

 

You're break up is inevitable. You are either going to reach your breaking point or find someone else one day or he will.

 

I'd bet my last dollar that if someone were to have a heart to heart convo with him, that he would say that he is terribly unhappy and miserable with you but that he won't pull the plug because you have children and that it would break you and that no other man would have you and that you would be miserable without him.

 

Your break up is inevitable. Only two questions remain. one is which one of you is going to pull the plug first? And the other is how many more years are both you going to endure before it happens?

 

You sound badly beaten by your woman. Well, my man wouldnt leave me since I give him a beautiful life and considered to be a trophy wife and I wouln't pull the plug to keep a father for my children.

[janedoe67]

If you think your child is better off knowing his arrogant, self entitled mother despises his father, you are living in a dreamworld.

[emotionlessbutalive]

If you think your child is better off knowing his arrogant, self entitled mother despises his father, you are living in a dreamworld.

 

I dont understand how can I be arrogant, self entitled when I work hard and give a good life to my family including husband. I run the family and do everything... and my child sees it. I despise him but my child does not know that...

[emotionlessbutalive]

I have told him several times to leave but he wouldnt leave, since he gets a good life from me. If I leave him he wouldnt be able to pay his rent...forget about child support.

 

If he is so unhappy he should leave..

[janedoe67]

I dont understand how can I be arrogant, self entitled when I work hard and give a good life to my family including husband. I run the family and do everything... and my child sees it. I despise him but my child does not know that...

 

Yes he does, trust me. You are a narcissistic martyr who wears it like a badge....and your child sees it clearly. You run the family - that in itself is....just sad.

 

You husband probably has zero left in him. I wish HE would come here for some support from some of the really fine, strong men we have on LS.

[oldshirt]

See my post in your other thread. I am just posting this here to cover both bases and much sure you get this.

 

The issues you are dealing with and the feelings that you are having is the sole focus of a series of books and another site that deal pretty much exclusively with women who have lost respect, attraction and desire for their husbands.

 

The name of the book is, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and the site is of the same but without the word 'Primer.'

 

As I said in my other post on your other thread, this site and book are the definitive key to what you need.

 

The problem is your husband is going to have to step up and actually do the work and has to actually want you to admire, respect and desire him.

 

I'm not sure he does and I'm not sure he'll do all the work....and it is a lot of work.

 

But it's worth a try and if he doesn't do it, then you'll know where you stand and what you have to do.

[emotionlessbutalive]

See my post in your other thread. I am just posting this here to cover both bases and much sure you get this.

 

The issues you are dealing with and the feelings that you are having is the sole focus of a series of books and another site that deal pretty much exclusively with women who have lost respect, attraction and desire for their husbands.

 

The name of the book is, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and the site is of the same but without the word 'Primer.'

 

As I said in my other post on your other thread, this site and book are the definitive key to what you need.

 

The problem is your husband is going to have to step up and actually do the work and has to actually want you to admire, respect and desire him.

 

I'm not sure he does and I'm not sure he'll do all the work....and it is a lot of work.

 

But it's worth a try and if he doesn't do it, then you'll know where you stand and what you have to do.

 

Hi Oldshirt, such a good advice. Following the advice of the forum I go to him seekinglove and gives him assurance and he does return mylove. We made lice this morning after a lonf time today. Thw problem is that its me who have to go to him and me initiating it all the time. He is not seeking help or improve ment and not surw he thunks there is a pro lem. He says he is good to me if I am good to him. Its tieinf, vut iwill do what its Take and will go this ssite. Thank you so much again...