firststeps Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 My husband left me for another woman, after l caught him having an affair with another woman. We had been together for 20 years and married for 14 years. He was my life and world, we had an amazing bond, love, friendship, and clicked on every level until a year ago, when he turned 41 and he started to feel down all the time and there was lot of talk about a mid-life crisis that he was going through. He lost a lot of weight, went on a health kick, was at the gym 24/7 and started to seek friendships and attention from other woman. During a physical challenge event, he met a woman, and he built an strong bond behind my back. When l caught what was going on through cell phone records, l knew right away that this affair was in full swing. Once l confronted him, he picked up some belongings and went out the door. I called the other woman, and she told me that l need to look in the mirror that my marriage was over. For the first month, l was getting mixed messages from him, that he was confused, needs time to work on himself through counseling....Blah Blah Blah. I needed to give him space to figure himself out, but this whole time, he is seeing this other woman, and he would not let her go. I got tried of being the back up plan and ended it with him, he begged me not to, but then by the next day, he changed his mind and couldn't let go of the other woman. I have been falling apart, l dropped 10 pounds, have massive anxiety and he doesn't care and is focused solely on his new relationship. He acts like l need to get over it and move on. The kicker is that this woman has contacted my sister-ln-Law and Mother-In-Law and has tried to start a friendship with them both. They both have ignored her, and then my husband was seen with her at walmart and our niece flips out on them as she saw them out in public, and the woman starts to laugh at her. During this whole time, l have done all the opposite of what l'm supposed to do. I wrote him letters reminding him of what we shared, l begged, l pleaded, l got angry, l would yell and scream at him, l would cry and beg again and write more letters. I would end it and then say that l didn't want to. I met with him the other day as this no contact from his end was tearing me apart, he tells me that he is still confused, that he still loves me and cares for me but he is conflicted because a part of him wants to be single. He says he has regret, but its him not me. He said that he knows he is being very selfish right now but feels like he missed out on experiences. He said that he doesn't like to see me hurt and that he struggles wondering if he made the right decision but right now he needs time. He says he's confused and conflicted and doesn't know what he wants. He says that the relationship with this woman is not long term. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to give up on us, but l've been told by his family, that he keeps saying to them that he is lost love for me and that he is not in love with me. I keep wanting to save what we had, l keep thinking that if l keep meeting with him and talking to him, he will see what we had together was special. I keep thinking, if l write him one more letter, he will not want to lose me. We already have lawyers and we are just starting the separation process, but him walking out from us, happened at the beginning of September and for me everything is moving so fast. I cannot believe that after 20 years, the husband l once knew is cold and defensive. I don't know how to turn my feeling for him off, after all the pain he is caused me, l'm still holding on hope that he will come to his senses and come back to me. This whole situation has been so life consuming and l don't know how to cope. His family have been an amazing support to me during this whole time, and he has been also being very cold and unkind to them and doesn't like that they don't support his affair and have given him backlash. My husband has isolated himself with this woman and he cannot careless if l'm alive or dead. But despite this l have been pathetic and still blinded by the good times, and confused as hell. I don't know where to even start. Link to post Share on other sites
mikejensen3355 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I'm really sorry. That's horrible. Do you have any children together? You definitely shouldn't be willing to take him back. Keep going with the separation process. I know that's tough, but you are the better person. You'd have never done that to him. You deserve better, as cliche as it is. And keep in mind all the good people that do care about you. They will help, as I'm sure people here will. We are a fraternity of broken people and hopefully one day we'll all come out of this better than the way we came in. Link to post Share on other sites
headinthecloud Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 How awful! I'm so sorry. Somewhere along the line you both stopped communicating. But he betrayed your trust when he started having an affair. He is not trustworthy. Walk away. He lost the right to have an opinion on your life when he cheated on you. Try to keep the matter private and not rally people to "your side". Just move on with your life and start rebuilding your self esteem. The relationship is over. He does not want you in his life - the other woman should have absolutely no significance - he brought her into your relationship and 3's crowd. Just focus all your thoughts and energy solely on you (and your kids, if any). Go complete NC and deal only with lawyers going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 Wow! I am just appalled by how you have been treated by your ex, what a jerk! How he could treat you so poorly is beyond me! No wonder you're depressed and struggling. I can't even imagine your pain. That other woman should be ashamed of herself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 You haven't given up on your marriage ... He has! I know it's all heartbreaking, hard, overwhelming, moving fast, confusing... you mustn't allow him to treat you this way any longer. If you do want him back your not helping by allowing him to treat you like a door mat and making it all too easy for him Stand your ground, start to look out and focus on you...I bet the longer this goes on the further away from this mindset you will be...he's not the man you thought he was sadly and he has checked out, he is keeping you hanging, being totally selfish and disrespectful SS xx understand, been here too xx Link to post Share on other sites
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