Dumper's Perspective and Coping.

[koolkisses]

Hey guys, my first time posting, but I really need some advice that is not from my friends or family.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years four months ago. There were many reasons as to why, nothing major like cheating and whatnot however.

 

I tried texting him in the few weeks afterwards, as I significantly regretted my decision. We had been going through a stale patch, and I feel as if this is what my decision was based upon ultimately. This is the second time we had properly broken up after all this time, the first time was in the first seven months of our relationship, so both break ups were not close together. He never replies to my messages.

 

Anyway, a month after NC (from his end), I receive a text message saying:

 

"Sorry, I've moved away (4 hours away). Good luck with your life."

 

I was absolutely devastated. He had blocked me from absolutely everything. I've sent messages to his email, etc. But no reply at all. On his blog, it seems he's already found somebody else. He's also changed. He's started drinking (although he hated alcohol when he was with me) and hanging around people we knew when we were together that he didn't have great friendships with.

 

Anyway, a month after he moved away, he sends me an email, saying that his moving away 'wasn't about me', that it was about 'him and his development', and that he no longer wants to be in contact with me as I will impede upon his development (yup, all that drinking).

 

Anyway, I send him a message telling him that I still loved him, despite what had happened between us, etc. I also told him that somebody else had come into my life, but I still missed him, etc.

 

This was his reply:

 

"You don't sound like you're in the right state of mind for a proper relationship. We're not together anymore, and I don't want to get back together as I don't want to be hurt again. If somebody else is your happiness, then go be with them, and stop chasing me."

 

It's been four months now. I'm still blocked on everything. I sent him a love letter, and yeah, nothing (I realize this is probably why I'm still blocked hahaha). I've been completely NC for a month on my end. It's been a month since I sent the love letter. I'm not going to give what is left of my dignity to more messages.

 

So, the lesson learned here: Don't ever break it off with somebody unless you are 100% sure you can live without them.

 

I need some advice on coping. I realize this sounds pathetic, but I truly regret breaking up with him. He was my best friend, my confidant, everything. I'm kicking myself that I let a few months of staleness come between us. I also realize that I should just let him go, that he moved away, etc. But it's so difficult. I'm happy that I at least tried to patch things up.

 

So, where do I go from here? Any tips on coping? I'm still obsessing over this and it's really affecting me. This is my first 'real' break up.

[smuggy95]

Well, first off, forgive yourself. You made your decision to break up - and I'm sure it was not done lightly. At that point then, you wanted a life without him. Try to remember why and how you felt at that time.

Even if you could go back in time and fix it, I'm sure that feeling of unhappiness would have come up again anyways.

[HorseLuck]

I did the same thing you did. There were a couple of issues. Instantly regretted it.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is go no contact. Cut him out of your life completely. Give yourself credit for attempting to reconcile. You're both going to need time to heal. If there is even a possibility of reconciliation, it will be after you both have moved past this, worked on and learned from whatever issues there were and have ultimately changed into different people. Despite me saying this, it is never a safe bet to hang onto hope. It's time to give full attention to yourself.

 

Remember that you broke up for a reason. Like another poster mentioned, the issues would inevitably have shown up again.

 

You need to keep your mind distracted and busy in order to decrease the amount of obsessive thoughts.

Edited October 26, 2013 by HorseLuck

[Omei]

His blocking and everything is obviously to heal, you said it was only a few months of staleness and he never did anything major im sure he feels very gave up on/ thrown away. From what you say new friends drinking moving away sounds like he's doing anything possible to get over the breakup his mindset is prob I dont want to go back to someone that disregaurded me so easy.

 

But im sure you know all this you know what I know about you? You wernt happy so you left I dont know how long you thought about it but hopefully it was long thought out and you can try to remember why you left, I also know in the future out of experience you will try harder to make things work all relationships go though hard months sometimes a hard year next time around I know you will, I dont know why you would tell him you had someone else in your life after breaking up with him he may be ignoring you but that adds to his pain overtop of you leaving I think if you still care about him you'll have to accept and stay away so he can heal

[OpheliaSong]

What exactly do you mean by staleness?

[koolkisses]

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you for all your responses. They are really helpful.

 

@Opheliasong: Staleness, as in, we just hit a rough patch. I don't know whether it's common, as we were together for three years. It's the first time it had really happened, and I guess being my first relationship, I didn't know if it was a permanent or temporary stage. We never fought or anything, but we both weren't in ideal places (in other stages of our lives) at the time. I started to second guess my feelings, and...yeah. That leaves me where I am now.

 

It's okay, I've pretty much accepted it's over now. He's met somebody else. It's just coping with it and healing that is the difficult part.

[koolkisses]

Any recommendations for discouraging thinking about the past? I feel as if I'm romanticising it, and it's not helping.

[ponchsox]

Any recommendations for discouraging thinking about the past? I feel as if I'm romanticising it, and it's not helping.

 

Keep yourself as busy as possible. When I have down time or feeling bad, I read a motivational book. It really helps me get through the down times and get back on my feet with a positive attitude. You deserve the best for yourself, and your ex was hardly that.

[Addicted2wife]

I got a lot of help through listening to Tony Robbins on youtube.

 

Search: The Power to Shape Your Destiny 02

 

It helped me get some focus and realize how much more there is to my life than a single failed relationship.

 

I really recommend it, but , learning from my mistake, when you listen to this, make this about You.

 

Upon feeling a little bit better back in March, I immediately started thinking how these life lessons might have changed my soon to be ex-wife's life. And I tried sharing this great experience with her when she wanted to reconcile, but not only was she not really interested in this (she faked it at first), she made me lost interest.

 

So take it from me. This helps a lot. But it's meant for you. And only you.

[koolkisses]

Thanks for the advice guys!

 

Update: Pretty sure he's dating some other chick now. It seems (looking at her interests) she is the reason that he's changed so much. Television shows, films, video games, etc. that he once hated but now likes are all hers too (saw this on Tumblr - never looking again as it reopened wounds). Even the newfound drinking seems to correlate with her!

 

It's been five months. I have my ups and downs, but the worst of it is over.

 

I'm just so sad that he changed. He doesn't necessarily seem like a better person at all. In fact, he was a great person and I'm devastated that I'm complicit in this transformation. BUT if he feels better now as he is, and the change heals his hurt and helps him move on with his life, I am very happy for him and wish him all the best from my heart.

 

1.5 months NC. ONWARD!

[xpaperxcutx]

One thing I learn about people and relationships is that they both change. And whether you like it or not, how you truly and effectively deal with it,is how you can adapt to those changes.

 

Even though you have been broken up for 5 months, you haven't properly initiated NC. You are still stalking him on social media and still thinking he's going to come back to you.

 

The only person hurting yourself is you. I wouldn't hold out hope. And until you learn to let go, you will not feel like you have healed despite how long it's been. So in a year, you will probably still be here thinking about him.

 

Go strict NC. No Twitter, FB, or Instagram. No personal items belonging to him, do not think about him and certainly do not hope he will come back.

 

Until you learn to do that, I gaurantee you will be in the same place as you were, on that you broke up with him and realize it was a mistake.

[koolkisses]

Thanks for the stellar advice paper cut, you are absolutely right. I need to really drill it into myself that he's not coming back.

[mutualove]

I knew this girl for about 8 months.Everything was great until she said she wanted a break or something when things were about to get more serious.So knowing I couldn't be friends with her I ended it but she was the one that actually ended things with her uncertainty.Anyways the last thing I said to her was kind of the same as what he told you,that if she's happier with someone else,she should go for it...

I don't want to give you any false hope,or hope because that's what you should avoid,but if in my case she'd regret her decision like you did,I'd be very happy BUT I'd proceed with caution and give myself some time because she broke my heart with no good reason just like you broke his,so trust is going to be an issue here and I don't know when and IF he's going to come around one day.I'm not trying to give you any hope,but if he loved you then he probably still thinks about you and she's likely a rebound.

I hope mine regrets it like you did and realizes what mistake she's made.But you and I both need to get rid of this toxic hope and move on.(we're on the opposite sides here but still .. laugh:)

[la74219]

koolkisses - First off, I don't wish to give you false hope, but I don't think it's ever acceptable to ever say the word "never". No one can predict the future. However, it is important to accept the fact that he won't be back because regardless of whether there is a future for you two..the past has to be eliminated. So in a sense - you are not to "expect" anything. If later in life, you two meet again..well that's just life.

 

I have been the dumper, and am currently the dumpee. As the dumper, I left someone I loved when I probably should've worked things out. Yeah, I did the same thing..tried getting her back. She said no. I felt like crap for the next oh let's say five years. I had a lot of guilt. You don't want to go through that for as long as I did. It was a decision I made that I regret, but I had to come to accept the fact that I cannot allow myself to live with regret. Everyone makes mistakes in life. Just think everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't meant to be, it just wasn't meant to be. If you set it free, and it comes back then you deal with it when that time comes. But don't ever expect it or you will set yourself up for failure. My ex is very happy now with someone else, and I couldn't be happier for her.

 

As the dumpee, my ex left me out of nowhere earlier in the week. Today is only the second day of no contact. To try and put it into words, I would've given my life for her...I loved her more than life itself. It sucks, and I'm losing a lot of sleep over it. But I have no doubt that she is also taking this hard even though it's tough to understand that. I am struggling with letting go of hope that she will one day realize she made a mistake. Maybe she will, but in order for me to heal I have to accept that there is no chance at this point. Even if she does try and talk to me again, we would need to approach it as a new challenge in life. So as of now, I am struggling just as you are. Know that you are not alone. I wish you the best.