How online dating is a crutch?

[irc333]

I had noticed some truth revealed by those who have online dating profiles. I had recently spoken with a woman that lives locally. She has been corresponding with a man several states away from where she lives.

 

Her online dating history....though she's been on the site for a year, she's never actually had a MEET with anyone. Until this guy she's been pen pals with for a good long time that lives way out there is flying to see her in Dec.

 

I get to talking to her more and at one point she said it wouldn't be right to meet up with me because of him taking time to come fly to see her in December.

 

She feels some kind of obligation to a man she's never met, as opposed to meeting someone locally.

 

Now, she did say if that meet doesn't work out in Dec. she'd be willing to meet up with me...go figure, but right now....is holding out for this guy as they chat back and forth , Skype or whatever between now and Dec.

 

Again, turns out she's never met anyone from the dating site in the year she has been on the site.

 

That being said, THIS made me recall a situation where a woman I met at my college I tried to ask out (This was years ago)...said she couldn't because she's been chatting with a guy out in BFE part of the United States...she says she wants to see how it goes first...they haven't met, but that's just how it was.

 

I found it rather odd to devote some kind of loyalty or even monogamy to bytes and bits of text back and forth when you could very well have an opportunity to date someone sitting in the same class as you. LOL

 

THEN I recall once of a NON-online dating situation. THis woman who lives local to me has a boyfriend that's like 3 hrs away. She didn't meet him online but through friends.

 

Apparently, she prefers it that way....she isn't keen on a guy being TOO local to her and him having access to coming over anytime he wants...you know to"pop in" at any given time. She prefers the distance and keeping their get togethers spaced apart to only the weekends.

 

After all, if you live local to your girlfriend , you'd be so inclined, at least as man, to pop on over for a "quickie" if you get what I'm sayin' LOL But she doesn't want that.

 

That being said, are there non-committal personality types that have this kind of preferred dating style?

[Disillusioned]

That sort of thing is not at all rare.

 

There are plenty of people on singles & dating boards who say they're lonely, but yet some sort of social anxiety prevents them from going out and meeting IRL. Sounds pretty silly to me, but there you have it.

[FitChick]

Just because someone lives closer doesn't mean they are more attractive or have better personalities. She has established a rapport and history with this guy, they are getting to know each other slowly so once they meet they will probably have sex on the first date since they aren't exactly strangers. Or there will be no chemistry at all and she will call you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I had noticed some truth revealed by those who have online dating profiles. I had recently spoken with a woman that lives locally. She has been corresponding with a man several states away from where she lives.

 

Her online dating history....though she's been on the site for a year, she's never actually had a MEET with anyone. Until this guy she's been pen pals with for a good long time that lives way out there is flying to see her in Dec.

 

I get to talking to her more and at one point she said it wouldn't be right to meet up with me because of him taking time to come fly to see her in December.

 

She feels some kind of obligation to a man she's never met, as opposed to meeting someone locally.

 

Now, she did say if that meet doesn't work out in Dec. she'd be willing to meet up with me...go figure, but right now....is holding out for this guy as they chat back and forth , Skype or whatever between now and Dec.

 

Again, turns out she's never met anyone from the dating site in the year she has been on the site.

 

That being said, THIS made me recall a situation where a woman I met at my college I tried to ask out (This was years ago)...said she couldn't because she's been chatting with a guy out in BFE part of the United States...she says she wants to see how it goes first...they haven't met, but that's just how it was.

 

I found it rather odd to devote some kind of loyalty or even monogamy to bytes and bits of text back and forth when you could very well have an opportunity to date someone sitting in the same class as you. LOL

 

THEN I recall once of a NON-online dating situation. THis woman who lives local to me has a boyfriend that's like 3 hrs away. She didn't meet him online but through friends.

 

Apparently, she prefers it that way....she isn't keen on a guy being TOO local to her and him having access to coming over anytime he wants...you know to"pop in" at any given time. She prefers the distance and keeping their get togethers spaced apart to only the weekends.

 

After all, if you live local to your girlfriend , you'd be so inclined, at least as man, to pop on over for a "quickie" if you get what I'm sayin' LOL But she doesn't want that.

 

That being said, are there non-committal personality types that have this kind of preferred dating style?

 

 

 

Online dating is supposed to be a 'crutch', and the people whose examples you cited, are supposed to have and exercise exactly the priorities you described.

 

Online dating (and the internet as a whole)... is akin to your superior conscience (superior to your behavior, I mean, and not superior to others ) giving you a pep-talk along the following lines:

 

 

1 - get your ass out there!!! (interacting with your fellow humans) (the B.S. that is your being on the edge of a cliffhanger in a good book at home, on the train in the morning, and all weekend, is just an excuse)

 

2 - It is plenty OK for some people to struggle when challenged by the need for introducing themselves to new social situations. Were it left to probability alone, such people would never meet one another, and would instead interact mainly with assertive individuals. The internet is the great equalizer in this... and the net is supposed to be a "crutch".

 

(you don't hang around hospitals belittling those you see walking in or out on crutches, do you??? well then WTF would you allow yourself to do same when the "crutch" isn't for something physical?)

 

 

 

 

Very clever (foolishness) by the OP to disguise his own self-perception of being more worthy or suitable to (whatever candle he wishes to dip his wick into) than is her own common sensical set of priorities.

 

 

So, once we put our own self-importance out of the way, it is clear to understand that online interaction is an exceptional means through which to draw the non-assertive types toward others at a mutually suitable pace. The illogic that is signing onto match dot bomb and then dashing out to meet somebody in person just as soon as you learn that you've each visited the same Starbucks during the past month (and taking that of some stupid sign of fate), is just an indication that neither of you should be using online dating. Those who exercise online dating in such a manner and then return to LS to report their poor results are reporting results that don't even relate appropriately to O.L.D. (these are people who should be sitting, waiting and interviewing at Starbucks {no, not for a job there} ). Those and similar results have nothing to DO with online dating.

 

 

The core appeal to online interactions en route to potentially-romantic encounters demands two authentic people each willing and wanting to invest themselves somewhat into the life/world of the other. No coincidence that those are ideal traits to seek in a mate.

 

The most typical bad experiences in such scenarios happen when one side is neither honest nor authentic, and the best way to weed those out is by demanding a considerable attention span in people you would ever consider meeting in real life. (Those who instead fall prey to a Nigerian internet scam or the like are perhaps quick to hint or show that they would indeed send money blindly to anyone for anything)

 

Eventually you have the shared and considerable investment in the world of the other, and have demonstrated the attention span it takes to acquire same. Beyond that you have two parties who realize that they have exposed quite a bit to the other side, and for whom it suddenly isn't very difficult to envision sharing a face-to-face conversation, while realizing you know many of the pawns in the life of the other and will find it much more easy than is typical to keep a conversation going as a result.

 

Beyond that, you arrive at such an encounter well aware of so many of your personal flaws already being out there (in the mind of the other) that you can approach that real-life encounter with far less fear than is your norm ("knowing your greatest flaws - they still want to meet you", etc).

 

 

If for you, online dating is merely using your computer to store index cards with what are effectively small bits of data ("personals ads") written by others, in a fast-seeming retrieval system, then you might as well not be wasting your time and that of others.

 

What say you instead go hang out at the coffee shop, the night club, the bar at the fancy restaurant, the college library, or in frat houses?

 

But don't give online dating the bad rap caused by your own unwillingness to utilize it optimally and correctly.

[irc333]

It might behoove you to take a look, at least at the reviews for Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community

 

It focuses on how "distancing technologies" are keeping people apart and how one would prefer to control who approaches them as opposed to being approached.

 

I have even recalled, sadly, women who purposely put in their ear buds out in public, even though they weren't listening to music for fear that a man may approach them. They go out and run errands and prefer to be left alone when doing their daily activities and then run home behind the computer where they can be more comfortable talking people.

 

I think this is where people develop social anxiety and relying on online means to meet people can be unhealthy.

[janeaustin20113]

I can't see the downside here. you can never have too many friends, really...

and you just never know when relationships will grow and change.

Our experience on this earth is all about our interactions with other people...Try to make them all valuable for both parties...

[Khyla]

wow, this ia an area to which I have just recently been exposed. In my case, it's quite different than your average OLD sites; I have developed a few online freindships, but I had my own rules to confine them to strictly online only, as they provided me just what i needed at the time. However I recently became tempted to accept an offer to meet in person after weeks of debate and banter and indecisiveness. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm starting to feel like maybe it's better just keeping the fantasy going between us and contuing the fun we were having together online, and wondering if he may be having the same thoughts. I just thought it might be nice to hug him for real, but i'm scared, and afraid to ruin things.

[Khyla]

So you like having virtual boyfriends better than the real thing?

 

LOL....OP is right. OLD does mess people up.

 

I have my reasons... You can find out more in other posts of mine.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

wow, this ia an area to which I have just recently been exposed. In my case, it's quite different than your average OLD sites; I have developed a few online freindships, but I had my own rules to confine them to strictly online only, as they provided me just what i needed at the time. However I recently became tempted to accept an offer to meet in person after weeks of debate and banter and indecisiveness. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm starting to feel like maybe it's better just keeping the fantasy going between us and contuing the fun we were having together online, and wondering if he may be having the same thoughts. I just thought it might be nice to hug him for real, but i'm scared, and afraid to ruin things.

 

 

 

I dunno, I sense that you and your instincts are right where it is reasonably healthy to be.

 

If you think you are really "fantasizing", then it's possible you're not ready to meet in person yet, but I think you are instead intrigued... while allowing considerable possibility for the chance that your mind has indeed tricked-you as the only seeming means to reach this point of intrigue.

 

I think you afforded this to yourself, and that you've put something together which, if you have chanced upon a sincere individual on the other end, could really help you become more comfortable and confident about yourself and about other people too.

[KathyM]

I think it's pretty rare that someone would be actively on a dating website and never actually have met anyone from there after a year's time. Either they are way too selective, or have a reason why they are not open to dating during that long time period (already in a committed relationship and just browsing, or have some type of social anxiety which deters them from meeting someone), or their profile is so unappealing that they could not generate any interest from others. If the woman you are talking to has not met anyone in an entire year's time, I'm guessing there is one of the three scenarios I mentioned that is going on.

[NTRDR]

So she prefers it that way, so what? I don't want to say who cares, so... who the f*** cares? ? ? Seriously?

 

There are THOUSANDS of women locally for you, seriously... don't stress over it.

[todreaminblue]

yep its a crutch .....