sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 For over a year now, my husband has been openly commenting on women's physical attraction, whether it's on TV or in the streets. If we're watching TV, he'll say something like "wow look at her, she's gorgeous! Lucky guy who'll have her". If it's in the streets, same thing "wow, she's good looking, nice curves, face, etc". He's basically drooling over them. First it bothered me, but then it didn't, mostly because I noticed he was saying the comments "half-jokingly". But now it's back to bothering me. Why? It's not so much that he finds other women attractive and that he TELLS me (I'm confident enough that I know that I'm attractive too), but it's the TYPE of women that he finds attractive. They are ALL white, tall, curvy, chunky (but not fat or even plus size) and have a big butt. All that I'm NOT. I am totally the opposite. I am petite, slender, and have small butt. I have big breasts, but hey who cares, he's a "butt" man. I am seriously wondering if he's even attracted to me anymore. Can men change their taste in women as they get older? When we first met 9 years ago, there was definitively physical attraction on both sides. I haven't changed my taste in men. ANY guy that I find attractive will ALWAYS be a carbon copy of my husband. I don't know if he's conscious that the women he finds attractive are the opposite of me. I suspect he's now trying to send me signals that I'm not "the one" anymore. I haven't gotten fat since we're together, I take good care of myself, and there are no children involved. Has this type of situation happened to any of you? What to do? Not sure if I can even talk to him about it, because if he sees that the comments bother me, he quickly downplays it and laughs, as if he's not being that serious. But I know HE IS, and I think it's a RED flag I don't know how long before he actually goes for that type of woman. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 He is totally disrespecting you. He wants to test how much disrespect you will tolerate. Don't... Just - don't! And this is not about you - it's about what a douche he is being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Why him saying what he really thinks disrespectful? I'm not worried about him being a douche bag so much as what he really thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I don't know if he's conscious that the women he finds attractive are the opposite of me. Ask him that. If you can't talk about it, that's a bigger problem yet. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Why him saying what he really thinks disrespectful? Men (as a rule) have enormous trouble processing & expressing emotions, and it typically comes out in weird ways. He's pissed at you for something... and it has nothing to do with your physical attractiveness (or his physical attraction to you). Dig deeper. Something's underneath all this that needs to be dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Why him saying what he really thinks disrespectful? I'm not worried about him being a douche bag so much as what he really thinks. Because it is designed to be hurtful to YOU. Ask why he intends to hurt you. And yes, you should be worried he's being a douche! Is it kind and loving behavior? NO! It is mean and disrespectful! Is that what he's trying to add into the mix? I guess so - it will continue as long as YOU allow it. Stop ALLOWING it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Men (as a rule) have enormous trouble processing & expressing emotions, and it typically comes out in weird ways. He's pissed at you for something... and it has nothing to do with your physical attractiveness (or his physical attraction to you). Dig deeper. Something's underneath all this that needs to be dealt with. You're probably right. Although he's still trying to say those comments lightly, I noticed he lately looks at me as if to wait for my reaction. So far I've ignored them and try not to show it's hurtful. The best I've come up with is "yeah right, but they look FAT and have cellulite". I know it's stupid, but I just don't want to get in his game, if that's what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 You're probably right. Although he's still trying to say those comments lightly, I noticed he lately looks at me as if to wait for my reaction. So far I've ignored them and try not to show it's hurtful. The best I've come up with is "yeah right, but they look FAT and have cellulite". I know it's stupid, but I just don't want to get in his game, if that's what it is. You need to ask him why he feels the need to openly comment on other women's attractiveness. It's one thing to look. If you can't ask him why he does this, then you have some communication issues that need exploring. Ignoring won't help the matter. You'll resent him and he might just try even harder. You have to be assertive in this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 It's not that I can't ask him straight up why he needs to comment on women. He WON'T tell me (the real reason). I know he won't. And if I push it, he'll say something like "but are they or are they not attractive?" So asking him won't get to the real issue. I just wonder what he wants, he keeps saying it and I keep ignoring it. It's just that his idea of the attractive woman is the opposite of me. I have mentioned women that look like me as also attractive, and he says "really? they're so skinny and have no curves and no butt! I like REAL women!" At this point I'm really afraid he will go from "commenting" to actually hook up with that type of woman. I think it's just a question of time, as there's not much I can do to turn into that woman. If he says it to get to another issue, then I'm completely lost as I would have no clue what he really thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 (edited) I think he is being disrespectful to you. however... The fix might be: look at that guy over there, he has a huge bulge in his pants.. I'll bet he can really make a girl scream with joy with that thing. I also think that when a man falls in love with a woman he thinks she is the most beautiful thing ever... I know I think that of my wife... but that doesn't mean I don't understand what a beautiful woman looks like either other than my wife.. I just would never make her feel bad by expressing it in front of her. You are going to have to ask him to stop... if he doesn't then start commenting on hot guys so he can get a taste of his own medicine. Can a man change his preferences.. maybe.. but that doesn't mean he doesn't think you are the most beautiful wife ever... Edited October 26, 2013 by Art_Critic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 You don't need to put up with this type of behavior. Are you afraid of confrontations? Why not tell him straight up that he is being disrespectful and hurtful and that that's what the type of behavior you expect from your husband. He is purposefully trying to get a reaction out of you. How mean is that? Instead of worrying whether this ******* (because that's what he looks like to me) would leave you for another woman. Make him realize that just because he got you doesn't mean that he can keep you. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Agree wit Art_Critic. Totally disrespectful. You need to flat out tell him you think it's completely unacceptable that makes such comments in front of you. Period. I think he's possibly saying it just so he can get a rise out of you, to get under your skin. You need to be assertive on the matter and tell him how you feel and in no uncertain terms that he stop making comments in front of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 This is disrespectful and hurtful. I also think he needs a taste of his own medicine be sure when you mention a man being hot that he opposite of him. Also when he says a woman is good looking or such agree and say you have the same taste as I do then wink at him. See how he reacts. Talk to him about this later let him know what you have told us and ask him why he does this. I hope he understands its hurting you and stops. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I have mentioned women that look like me as also attractive, and he says "really? they're so skinny and have no curves and no butt! I like REAL women!" Do you think he's being intentionally cruel? It is difficult for me to believe that he isn't trying to hurt you.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 He should hear exactly what you put in your opening post. My take is that men observe women all the time and make these kinds of judgments. For whatever reason, he's come to think that you're open to that conversation. I don't necessarily think it's being done to be hurtful. I would not avoid the conflict. That will build resentment in you and unresolved resentment will kill a marriage. I would also not freak out about it such that he never shares openly with you again. You don't want him lusting and never sharing with you. Lead by example on open communication. I would sit him down for a very serious conversation and preface it with the fact that his wife is very concerned about the potential for infidelity and so this conversation should not be dismissed as unimportant or a joke. And please avoid the juvenile tit-for-tat suggestions. This is not high school and you don't sound like you're here to play games. You're trying to save your marriage; it takes serious focus to do that. Sit his ass down and tell him what you told us. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Do you think he's being intentionally cruel? It is difficult for me to believe that he isn't trying to hurt you.... At first I didn't think anything of it, just thought he was being waaay to open about it. But then, as he continued, I started to think that there's a purpose behind it. But I have no clue why he's doing it. Does he want to get me jealous? Hurt me? Get me upset? Maybe because I've never reacted the way he thought a woman should when told these kinds of comments. I think most women would say "hey, stop it, you're being an ******* and it's disrespectful" and get mad. But I've NEVER reacted that way. More like, whatever... Link to post Share on other sites
JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 What's odd to me is that he started doing this over the past year... it's quite a change. I would talk to him. Or give him a taste of his own medicine and openly comment on other men. There's isn't much you can do to change others or have them talk openly and honestly if they don't want to. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure there are tons of men out there that would LOVE your body and not disrespect you like this. But even with that knowledge it doesn't help, considering you only want your husbands attractions. :/ Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 It might also be because you've shown him it doesn't bug you. But you have to let him know it does, especially recently. He might be too comfortable, if you know what I mean. If he intended to cheat, I think he would be more secretive about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 It might also be because you've shown him it doesn't bug you. But you have to let him know it does, especially recently. If that's the case, what kind of man plays this game? I mean, he wants to see me get all worked up and upset? If you love somebody why hurt them purposefully? Unless he's upset at something else and this is the way he shows it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 If that's the case, what kind of man plays this game? I mean, he wants to see me get all worked up and upset? If you love somebody why hurt them purposefully? Unless he's upset at something else and this is the way he shows it. Ask him why he's doing it! And TELL HIM how it hurts your feelings! Be honest! Speak up! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 If that's the case, what kind of man plays this game? I mean, he wants to see me get all worked up and upset? If you love somebody why hurt them purposefully? Unless he's upset at something else and this is the way he shows it. We don't know your husband. This is something you have to discuss with him. At this point in the marriage you shouldn't have to worry about putting your foot down on something that bothers you. You should let him know the seriousness of your concerns and that these behaviors are affecting you and that you want to know why he has been doing them over the past year. What is keeping you from really confronting your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sominret Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 What is keeping you from really confronting your husband? I'm afraid that my worst fear will come true: that he indeed is attracted to women that are the total opposite of me and he's not making up these comments just to hurt me. But even if I "confront" him, I know he WON'T tell me the truth. Next time he does this though, I will tell him right there to stop, and something like "what are you trying to tell me?" very nonchalantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 I'm afraid that my worst fear will come true: that he indeed is attracted to women that are the total opposite of me and he's not making up these comments just to hurt me. But even if I "confront" him, I know he WON'T tell me the truth. Next time he does this though, I will tell him right there to stop, and something like "what are you trying to tell me?" very nonchalantly. I know it's hard to face that there might be serious problems in your relationship, but the more you put this off the worse it's going to get. My ex of 4 years cited attraction reasons as the main reason why he broke up with me. Now I am in a relationship with a man who treats me very well and is very attracted to me. What a nice change. There is no need at all to act nonchalant when your partner is hurting you. I mean, I just think it's weird that you're so afraid of confronting him or losing him. People should be able to feel secure in a healthy relationship. What is it about your husband's qualities that makes you like him. What about him makes you not like him? Edit: Also IMO, it's not "just" to hurt you. Ppl intentionally trying to hurt each other should not be acceptable in a healthy relationship. That alone is as bad as him wanting other women over you. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 If that's the case, what kind of man plays this game? I mean, he wants to see me get all worked up and upset? If you love somebody why hurt them purposefully? Unless he's upset at something else and this is the way he shows it. It may be that he needs a ton of reassurance, and he is jealous because you don't express any jealousy. He may think you don't care because you haven't reacted. It's twisted and unhealthy. But it's one explanation. Really, the only way to know is to press the issue and talk it through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Your only option here is to ask him directly. Communication is the key to a happy relationship and, at the moment, you are just guessing at his motives - so is everybody else. You could try telling him you don't understand his apparently sudden interest in women who are so physically different from you. Even ask him directly if he still finds you attractive. Is there any evidence that he doesn't? Has he become less attentive, less affectionate or less sexual with you recently? More importantly are there any other instances of him doing things that leave you feeling inadequate or disrespected? Link to post Share on other sites
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