Married and On The Verge of Seperating

[ClarissahJ]

I've been married to my husband who is five years younger than me for a year and a month. We've been together almost 2 years come Feb. I met him on the Internet through Yahoo in the oddest way. At the time I was married to a sailor who had made the decision to go to a foreign country on orders he chose for himself, choosing to leave me behind was a mistake from the beginning so I struggled with the fact that he left me in the US to go overseas on a decision he could've easily made to get reassigned to a CONUS base, instead he chose to leave. The day my X husband left I was in serious depression, I cried many nights and was feeling so alone and scared, so the Internet became our main source of communication, through Yahoo Messenger, we were able to communicate and see each other on the web-cam portal as opposed to talking over the phone. I also found an extreme interest in the net, I met a lot of different people and instead of seeking a support group, I became a very manipulative person, I used my digital camera and web-cam to host pornography shows from my home without my husband knowing. I started taking amateur photos of myself and posting them on an amatuer web site where the services are free to the general public. A fantasy fulfilled in many ways, I started to become an addict and the more and more I did this the more people I started to meet and become friends with. For two years being separated from my husband, I was in the US being a naughty wife. I take full responsibility for the awefull things I have done to him and to myself. After two years of doing this, it started to become apparent that I was growing bored. So just when I decided to stop all communication with other men, my last post had a significant impact on someone 6 hours, the farthest viewer by far. I was immediately drawn to this person, I ask myself that question to this day. He was 6 hours away from me, 5 years younger than me and was in no way shape or form able to handle "me" as a woman. I informed him of my intentions that I was going to stop all the nonsense and he fully understood. That night I threw out the web-cam, deleted and block all messenger buddies and closed my yahoo account. I didn't expect to hear from the stranger anymore but 3 days later I take off from work early and log on to messenger and he was the only person not blocked on my list. We exchanged numbers and my PC was packed away.

 

For two weeks I talked to him throughout the day at work and all night until the crack of dawn, we slept on the phone, we talked for hours and I was totally stuck on this guy. He was different. I stared to grow more and more interested in him and we decided after a week that I drive to Michigan to see him. I never made it, I chickened out fearing the drive alone. He called me constantly wondering what had happened to me and after a week of sitting back, I called him to talk. We made another attempt to plan a meeting, this time, the feelings I had for him were genuine and real. I knew I was falling in love with a complete stranger. I took the chance on Friday, the 28th of Feb to drive there. I got up early that morning, went to work and came home, prepared myself for the 6 hour drive to Michigan. When I got there, it wasn't love at first sight, I didn't feel it in my heart. What I was feeling was lust. We decided to go back to Chicago ASAP and get there by daylight. We start driving. We hardly spoke on the ride and he insisted he drive my car. I let him.

We get to Chicago and immediately have sex. That's what this was all about, we finally achieved what we came to do. For four months I kept it a hidden secret from my husband overseas that I had another man in the house. We had been separated for two years and he didn't know a thing, he was too involved in his career that he didn't know me anymore. I made the decision to file for divorce. Four months went by and I started to learn more and more about this guy, I was in love with him. I learned a lot, and I've done things that I never thought I would in all my life. I was interested in the term "hood life" I was a good girl turned bad girl. For the mistakes that I made, I was suffering inside. I suffered financially, emotionally and physically. My divorce was granted and I was finally able to move on. We sell the house and move to Washington. Since being here in Washington I've suffered a tremendous set back. The job market here really sucks and frankly I have no fast food experience just Managerial Skills in Accounting and Office Administration. I am the degree holder and he holds a GED. Since being here we've suffered financially, I gave up so much of the things that I took for granted being married to a sailor that I realize today that I shouldn't have. We arrived here in June and were married in November. A year has gone by and he has been the one supporting us financially at minimum wage plus tips. We rented an apartment until the end of our lease and moved into a run down trailer in the country, paying much more than the condition of this place would go for. I truly know deep down in my heart that the reason why I'm suffering is because of all the bad things I've done in the past three years. Although he has been the one working, we are unable to do the things we'd like and I feel like he resents me for not being able to have the job that will pay me the same as in Chicago earning 40.00 an hour.

 

In May of this year, we hit rock bottom. We got into a major fight. I didn't put my hands on him violently but we were at each other's throats. He takes my purse and looks through it and I grab it from him. He goes into this evil rage and the next thing I know he has me pinned up against the wall with a knife in my throat. I am bleeding from the puncture and he is swearing to kill me. He finally lets go after I beg him to let me go. He pushes me out the door while I am half naked and I run around the complex knocking on doors for help. There seems to be no one around this day. He finds me hiding around the corner, shaking and bleeding and he pulls me by my hair and drags me back to the house. I just know that I am dead at this point. We get to the house and I am putting on more clothes. He calls 911 for the cops to come and get him or get me, either way someone had to go. They get there and he immedatiately tell them what happened, the arrest him and he stays in jail the entire weekend. Again I am feeling lost, confused and betrayed. I do not seek Domestic Violence assistance instead I lock myself inside the house in tears and afraid for my life. Throughout the weekend, he calls from county and we talk about what had happened. He says he's sorry and I apologize for provoking him in any way. He comes home on Monday and is ordered to treatment.

 

He attends Domestic Violence and Anger Management treatment once a week. I volunteerily go once a week to the women's DV treatment to work the program alongside him. It's been several months now since we've been going but we are still very much bitter, angry and mean at each other. I am constantly upset and angry at him for the way we live, I am mean to him, I say cruel and hurtful things and I often remind him of the knife he put in my throat that day in May. We are disrespectful and very mean to each other I simply hate my life and another fact that we make up when the fights come is that we have no friends here. I hate the fact that I live the way I do and I continue to stay upset at myself and the world for what's happened to me. I am to the point where I do not liked to be touched and these days there is no communication, just verbal fighting. Obviously the program isn't working for neither of us and I'm trying to find it in my heart to find the answers.

 

Last week I made an arrangement to leave across country and start my life over again and I didn't go. When I decided not to go, he broke down and told me that he simply cannot live without me, that I have been his rock and I have been the one who has transformed him into a young thug into a man. These days I don't listen. I'm here but I'm unhappy. We fight over the silliest reasons and I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. I feel like if I leave he won't be able to cope as I won't be able to cope. For two years now all we've had is each other, we cut all ties with Friends and Family and there isn't a single soul out there that knows truly what is going on with us except for what the counselors know. I tell him I love him daily but I honestly believe we are just in each other's way. I am so confused and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post was so long but I've been holding this inside with no one to talk to and I hope that someone out there will be able to give me some kind of advice as to where I should go from here.

[Isabella82]

I started taking amateur photos of myself and posting them on an amatuer web site where the services are free to the general public. A fantasy fulfilled in many ways,

 

Oh dear, what happened to you as a child? Some abuse in there. You really need to be in therapy. This is not healthy at all, you are miserable, your husband is violent, and you are putting up with it, because it is all that you know.

 

This is so sad, if this whole story is true, where is your family, I am assuming you have no father, or your father was abusive. You need to leave, get some help, you have a degree get a decent job in another state.

 

 

He takes my purse and looks through it and I grab it from him. He goes into this evil rage and the next thing I know he has me pinned up against the wall with a knife in my throat. I am bleeding from the puncture and he is swearing to kill me. He finally lets go after I beg him to let me go. He pushes me out the door while I am half naked and I run around the complex knocking on doors for help.

 

 

He will do it again, this time you might not be so lucky. Your not happy, so leave. Make a better life for yourself, before you two have children. Thank god there is no kids involved in this chaos.

[Debster]

Get out of the relationship and start work on yourself. Think about the mistakes you have made and why you made them. Think about how you can prevent future mistakes and what you have learned from the situation. I think you have some self esteem issues and you should work on them to become a stronger person. Everyone makes mistakes, it is what you do AFTER that is the difference, IMO.

[suzyq]

Originally posted by Debster

Get out of the relationship and start work on yourself.

 

So true! It's next to impossible to work on one's own issues when you're living with someone who has major issues of their own. I'm in the same boat. I've been reading alot about detachment and it's helpful in restoring sanity to a crazy situation. I've forfeited my own happiness/wellbeing for so long because I've been blindly engaged in destructive rescuing behaviours. I'm just trying to act 'as if' I'm important - going to the dentist after neglecting my teeth for so long (ground down from stress) - going for a facial, even though I don't always feel like I 'deserve' it - reading recovery and self-help materials. I'm doing as many little things as I can to restore my self-esteem, which has been smashed after living with emotional abuse for so long. Otherwise I feel like s*** and buy into his garbage about me being the problem. I figure that by doing as many small things as I can, it'll eventually add up, just like all those extra shortbread cookies I've been using to self-medicate my emotions. Which reminds me that a walk would be a good thing to do for me today!!

[Owl]

Clarissa- It sounds to me like your marriage was doomed before you had the ceremony. Neither one of you put much effort into maintaining your relationship, or in fixing it when you could. Bluntly, he's a violent jerk who shouldn't be in a relationship with a woman, and given what you did...

 

Well, I won't call you any names like I did him...but I will say that you don't belong in any kind of relationship with anyone until you get straightened out either. If I had gone overseas and come back to find my wife doing what you were, I can't imagine I would have been very pleasant about it in any aspect either. I understand you had a bad childhood...so has a LOT of people, to include me and my wife. That doesn't excuse what you've done by any stretch of the imagination.

 

File for divorce...and if you both can make it through all the therapy with any love intact, talk to each other then about being together.