wwobuk Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Well I don't know if my story is going to relate to anyone else but I would certainly love some opinions and comments because the last few months have made me think I was insane. Lets go back to January. I had the perfect marriage. Two gorgeous children and I had two children from my previous marriage living with me full time. The wife loved these kids just like her own. She even had ALL the kids initials tattooed on her foot. We were the perfect family. Married for 3 years but been together since 2006. In January she started a new job. Because of her hours we decided that I stay at home and look after the kids and she will go to work. It all went great until March. In March she started to get friendly with a girl and two guys. They would endlessly be on this "Whats app" text thingy chatting about anything and everything. I wasn't worried at all. Our phones are always unlocked and we always look over each others shoulder and have a laugh at whats being written. Just banter stuff really. The girl friend became like sisters to my wife and they would spend hours together. She would come over and we would have a good ol laugh. Come April the texting was starting to get obsessive. She was on the phone all day. Not to her friend anymore either as she was ALWAYS with her. It was to these two guys. I started to say that is was getting a bit extreme but she took this as a sign I was controlling her. This started an arguement. She also started coming back from her job late too. I once caught her out to where she had been and her answer was that I was checking up on her and I was too controlling. Come May it was getting worse. The texting was worse. She had started going out and socialising and still coming back late from work with crazy excuses. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I love her and I had to trust her. One night she was texting so much that she was completely ignoring a conversation I was having with her. This was the straw that broke the camels back and I fronted up and asked her what was going on. She said the immortal words "I love you, but Im not in love with you".....What!!!!!. We were perfect 3 months ago. I thought we were perfect now. We were trying for another kid!!!!! Who does that when they are not in love? We sorted things out but two weeks later she decided to move out. I managed to convince her to stay and took the blame that I was controlling even though this was probably a big mistake. It then got worse. Her behavior did not change. She went out more and after what she had told me I became clingy. For my 40th birthday I asked her to just come out. me and her on a date. It never happend. At the end of August I had had enough and told her my feelings. Two weeks later she had rented a place and moved out taking my two youngest kids with her. I see them every Wed, Thur and Fri. Heres the kicker. Two weeks after leaving she is in a fully blown relationship with one of the guys she was texting. One of the ones I was most suspicious of. This guy is 26 years older then her and is married. He is 51.!!! This must have been going on for months. To say that right up to the day she decided to leave we were still trying for a baby makes me sick. From that period May to August she told me that she was in love with me. She didn't mean anything she said. I said don't just say it if you dont mean it. I can take it but she insisted she felt so in love with me. When she left she said it was all a show, a lie. Then she said I felt like it for two years......What!!!!!!! To me our problems started when she started this job. She is blaming everything on me saying I was too controlling and clingy. I think I had reason too. She was cheating and hated being found out. As you can imagine I am a wreck. I still love her...I know im mad. Through all of this I would take her back in a heart beat. She has destroyed a family though her actions and is now moving on as if she was not to blame and I forced her.. I am so at a loss. My health has gone down hill. Ive lost 2 stone in a month. Im on god knows how many anti depressants. All for a woman I thought was perfect and would spend the rest of my life with..... Link to post Share on other sites
aybc123 Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Im really sorry for you reading your story, dont beat yourself up for being too much of a pushover. Cant really offer any advice other than to keep going but believe me when I say that you are better off without this person in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 You are a good man and you did what you thought was best. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In hindsight, maybe if you had taken a tougher approach when you first found out, or at some point earlier on, you could have prevented this. Then again, maybe you couldn't have prevented it no matter what you did. There is no sense in beating yourself up over it now. You didn't deserve this, but you have to deal with it. Have you told the other man's wife about his affair? If not, I would do that next. She has the right to know. Maybe she is basing life decisions on lies her husband is telling her, as you were doing (trying to have another kid) based on your wife's lies. She should be able to make decisions knowing the truth about her situation. Don't tell your wife you are doing this, just do it. In fact, stop confiding in your wife at all. Start to detach from your wife. Talk to her only about the kids and the divorce. Have you filed for divorce yet? Seen a lawyer yet? If not, do so. Do you have friends you can go out with? Do you work out? Do you plan to look for a job? What watches your kids now that they are with your wife Monday and Tuesdays? Does other man interact with your kids? How does your wife know the other man? Co-worker? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Much of your story mirrors my own (and many others). The "controlling" thing is a classic diversion. I also got the ILYBINILWY comment right before she told me out of the blue that she wanted to separate. And she said she had been unhappy for (wait for it)... Two years! Your wife has "rewritten her marital history." A couple quick suggestions: (1). Try not to make decisions with your heart; make them with your head. (2). Try not to internalize her decisions AT ALL. You know why she cheated? Because she decided to cheat. It's about her, not about you. (3). The previous poster is right about exposing this to the other betrayed spouse. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Hopefully, you've done this already. (4). Try to take care of your health. I lost about 25 lbs in the first month and about 40 lbs total. Losing sleep was a bigger problem (mind-racing was awful). (5). If you really want to reconcile, you should file for divorce. If that doesn't work, nothing will. You cannot nice them back. The nicer you are, the less they respect you. Don't debase yourself. This is hard enough already. Only ake her back if she shows true remorse. (6). Look up the '180' and start implementing it. These people are idiots when they're in these messes. Her fog might clear but don't bet on it. Focus on respecting yourself. Good luck. Keep reading and posting. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Yuck, she's not who you thought she was. This may sound counter intuitive but you need to blow this whole thing wide open to the light of day. Especially inform the 51 year old dude's wife. Everyone should know, your family, her family, etc. Secrecy makes this kind of stuff thrive. Don't drag it out or it will come off as manipulative. You need to simply reveal and move on, it's actually your only shot at getting her respect back. I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 Have you told the other man's wife about his affair? If not, I would do that next. She has the right to know. Maybe she is basing life decisions on lies her husband is telling her, as you were doing (trying to have another kid) based on your wife's lies. She should be able to make decisions knowing the truth about her situation. Don't tell your wife you are doing this, just do it. In fact, stop confiding in your wife at all. Do you have friends you can go out with? Do you work out? Do you plan to look for a job? What watches your kids now that they are with your wife Monday and Tuesdays? Does other man interact with your kids? How does your wife know the other man? Co-worker? Okay heres the problem. I was going to tell his wife but his wife is a bit of a psycho and I don't really want it falling down at my door. They both know that I could tell her so if she finds out they know it will have come from me. I don't really have any friends up here as we moved up here. I have spoken to my old mates on social networking etc. I dont work out but I know I should. I have a job. I work from home and can flex my hours around the children. She does debt collecting work and was taking the kids on her round with her. Now she gives them to a friend to look after. Yes the other man interacts with the kids. Through all this. Why do I still love her like when we first met. No one ever teaches you how to fall out of love. I keep saying to myself "It wont last". But how can I ever get back to a complusive liar who has cheated on me and then shifted all the blame to make it look like it was my fault. I so wish my heart would catch up to what my brain is telling me..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 Torturing Myself for Closure - YouTube Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 You must tell the OMW about this affair. You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Every time a man becomes a stay at home dad. He becomes a BH because his wife see's him as very beta. Women do not want a many/nanny for a husband. They want a provider and a protector. You made it very easy for her boss to alpha it all over you. So right after you order that book go get yourself a job. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Where is Machiavelli? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 For yourself, go NC. File for divorce, now. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Torturing Myself for Closure - YouTube That was rough to watch, brother. I can relate. I spent 18 years with my wife and also thought we had a wonderful marriage. Such a waste. But the sad reality is that these women are not who we thought they were. You're still in love with who you thought she was. But that's not who she is. The fact is that she's not really lovable right now. She doesn't have the same value system as you do or that you thought she had. We have a tendency to project our own values on others. We assume that they think and act in the same ways that we would. But she's not who you thought, is she? And she's not like you. Would you ditch your spouse and family like trash so you could go pretend that you're young and single? Are you that kind of person? She IS that kind of person. When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. Take her down off of the pedestal. She's a tramp. Focus on divorcing yourself from her and rebuilding your life. You deserve better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Okay heres the problem. I was going to tell his wife but his wife is a bit of a psycho and I don't really want it falling down at my door. They both know that I could tell her so if she finds out they know it will have come from me. Who cares if they know it came from you? Look, I don't believe in wide-spread exposure to everyone in the known universe (some people do) but exposure to the other betrayed spouse is simply the right thing to do. It's right by her. And it's a legitimate attempt to 'fight for your marriage' if that's what you really want. Covering for her while she sleeps with another woman's husband is bad for you, bad for the other BS, and is ultimately not even attractive to your wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 I hear you all. Thank you so much for the advice. Will my feelings of love stop for her one day. I'm still in the frame if mind that she is out of hers. Kids love us both and keep telling her we want to be a family again. They are only 5 and 3. I can't begin to figure her out but I also can't come to terms with how's she can treat everyone, including her step children , like crap. Your right though. I'm in love with the person she was. Perhaps Nc is the only way I'm going to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 Oh and I have a job. But I work from a home office doing it Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Are you out of your mind? By not telling the OM's wife you are sending a clear message to the OM that there are no consequences to him screwing your wife and destroying your marriage. You are sending a message that you are afraid of him. This is absolutely ridiculous. If the roles had been reversed would your wife have been so fearful as you. I would strongly suggest: 1. Get tested for STD's 2. See a lawyer immediately. 3. When you divorce her you should have your children back full time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 I hear you all. Thank you so much for the advice. Will my feelings of love stop for her one day. I'm still in the frame if mind that she is out of hers. Kids love us both and keep telling her we want to be a family again. They are only 5 and 3. I can't begin to figure her out but I also can't come to terms with how's she can treat everyone, including her step children , like crap. Your right though. I'm in love with the person she was. Perhaps Nc is the only way I'm going to get through this. Just don't put your life on hold while you wait for her to wake up. It's a common problem. Depression feeds on itself. It's best to be a bit selfish for a while, actually. Start focusing on what a new life would look like. Take advantage of that infidelity weight loss program and get yourself healthy. Think about hobbies that are uniquely "you" that you probably gave up for the sake of marriage and children. Stay focused on being a great Dad; they need one of you to be stvble and upbeat. And work on detaching yourself. There's nothing wrong with you so don't let her steal any more of your life than she already has. Oddly enough, your independence and detachment will make you more attractive, not just to your wife but to others. Find ways to keep your self-confidence. It's a huge blow to the ego, but remember that it wasn't about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Running Man Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 No need to reply to this, But it seems the worst, most blatant and cruel cheaters are women from the UK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Okay heres the problem. I was going to tell his wife but his wife is a bit of a psycho and I don't really want it falling down at my door. They both know that I could tell her so if she finds out they know it will have come from me. QUOTE] Right there! The OM's wife is a psycho. Who gives a rats ass if she's psycho or not. That's his problem and if he can't keep it in his pants then drop the hammer on him and let his wife dole out the punishment. He has only himself to blame. Let him feel the pain of his actions. He had no problem doing it to you did he? Personally I think your wife is full of a ton of bull $h!t. If I were you, there would be no talking about another kid. I don't know if your going to stay in this marriage but if it's going to succeed you better start by letting her know that she caused a lot of damage and she better be prepared to do a lot of heavy lifting to get it back. Don't play games with her and tell her that she better find some new friends or she can go live with the old ones. I would also make her find another job. If she gives you a hard time, tell her either a new job or a new place to live by yourself. Time to play hardball with her because I don't think she knows how to play any other way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Okay heres the problem. I was going to tell his wife but his wife is a bit of a psycho and I don't really want it falling down at my door. They both know that I could tell her so if she finds out they know it will have come from me. How do you know that she's a pyscho? Do you know her or did your lying wife tell you that? Maybe she'll go pyscho on her POS husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 Well as she was "friends" with this 51 year old he would come round for a drink or to watch a movie with all if us. He told me then what his wife was like. I so didn't see it coming. I never saw a guy like that as a threat Link to post Share on other sites
Timmos Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 From my experience, never believe anything the ******* says about his "terrible" wife. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 From my experience, never believe anything the ******* says about his "terrible" wife. This is remarkably true. Many waywards paint their spouses as awful. What Other Woman would be interested if he just said his wife was sunshine and rainbows and that he just wanted a side piece? Saying she was psycho in front of you was a bonus if he gets your to steer clear. Two birds with one stone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately, you offered your wife cheap forgiveness and all that does is make you look desperate and allows her to keep you as a back up if her affair fizzles and more often than not most affair partners do not end up together in the long run. I also believe the other betrayed spouse needs to know as I'm sure you would have wanted to know if the shoe were on the other foot. Be prepared your wife will be angry at you for bursting the affair wide open. Cheaters do not like consequences. Gather your courage and strength and refuse to be a doormat. Begin a180 immediately. Speak to a lawyer in family law and get your ducks in order. Be there for your children and be good to yourself. You are stronger than you think. Edited October 27, 2013 by Furious 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwobuk Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 I'm so glad I found this site. Your help has given me so much motivation. Believe me I have been so dejected the last few days. Thank you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 I'm so glad I found this site. Your help has given me so much motivation. Believe me I have been so dejected the last few days. Thank you You may find yourself here doing the same for others someday. Stay strong, friend. You're not the bad guy here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts