A Husband Finding Out, Finally.

[RightThere]

Your absolutely right im scared. Im on my own. She has this network of new friends that have been covering for her. I don't want trouble bought to my door and in the face of my children who live here because of something that I have done which will no doubt come to light in a matter of time anyways.

 

You'll get a lot of advice on here to "eff her" and "tell everyone about the affair". For some people, the whole scarlet letter thing works.

 

It wasn't for me, and I don't regret is thus far.

[Mr. Lucky]

From my experience, never believe anything the ******* says about his "terrible" wife.

And what's worse is when you find out how your WS described you. That experience will get you over her quickly .

 

wwobuk, just as others here are telling you what worked for them, you should do what feels right and works for you. I'd tell his W but to each his own...

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[miguelcervantes]

Your absolutely right im scared. Im on my own. She has this network of new friends that have been covering for her. I don't want trouble bought to my door and in the face of my children who live here because of something that I have done which will no doubt come to light in a matter of time anyways.

 

I have been following your thread and firstly, let me say that I am sorry you are here. You cannot live your life in fear, mate. Neither she nor the rest of the scum pack (her new "friends") have any right to tell you anything (and why are you talking with her or them anyway ?). However, it would be useful to determine a few things:

• Are these new "friends" friends of hers or his originally
  
• Do you know who some/all of them are
  
• Have you got records of any of their threats (recordings or other)
  
• Have you shared their threats with anyone else
  
• Why might they not assume that one of your friends or supporters might have told the OMW
  
• Has your WW ever threatened you (presumably she knows about these threats)
  

 

You will continue to lose her respect as long as she sees you acting the way you are in response to all of this. At the very least inform the local police of these threats and who made them. Blow up this POSOM's world especially with his wife. Start building your life up again - go out and make friends - get your own support group going. If she is aware of these threats then she must know that she is putting the kids at risk too? Do you really want this type of person back ? I live further south than you but know something of the East Midlands and am willing to support you mate (I am older too but am more than willing to help) - stay strong and start detaching fast and building yourself up!

[troubadour]

Your absolutely right im scared. Im on my own. She has this network of new friends that have been covering for her. I don't want trouble bought to my door and in the face of my children who live here because of something that I have done which will no doubt come to light in a matter of time anyways.

 

 

Don't be a fool.... no one will show up at your door. It is one thing to threaten a gullible husband over the phone and laugh their ass off about it, and another to actually show up at his door and try to do it face to face.

 

Her friends aren't going to take a bullet for her. They will cover for her as long as it is a free entertainment for them. Right now they are enjoying the situation because it is quite comical.... young, 26-year old, girl is cheating on her not so young, 40-year old, husband with old prick, 51-year old, coworker.

 

Yes, they love it now but as soon as you show them that their actions will have real consequences, they will lose interest in playing any active part in it. Time to stiffen your spine and disclose the affair to OM's wife.... she deserves to know what is going on in her marriage.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Oay it gets better now. I have now been threatened by a number of people that If I go to his wife they will sort me out. See what I mean. It's not worth it

 

Get a solicitor to find out the best way to secure assets and get the best custody arrangement.

 

File a complaint with the police about the threats.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

And tell the other man's wife.

[Syco]

Hey [Long-time lurker]

 

I registered, so I could give you a proverbial kick up the arse.

 

Like others have said: Exposing to the man's wife is the right thing to do. Right now you are in a lot of pain ( I am sorry by the way), and you say that you're scared.

 

BUT!! They are the ones that are scared. By exposing you destroy their little fantasy that they have built for themselves. (Also if you were in her position, wouldn't you want to know?)

 

If in the rare event one of her idiots comes to your house - simply call the police. It is that simple.

You should also go see a lawyer. I'm not quite sure, but in a case like this with coworkers you may be able to sue the company as well as the other man. Furthermore file for divorce (you can always cancel it later). There are many reasons for doing this but self-respect is one of them. Right now you're wife does not respect you. By filing for divorce, not only are you making it clear that you refuse to be treated in this manner, you are also regaining control of your own life.

 

No matter how hopeless you feel, you need to embrace your inner Alec Guinness and put on an act. You deserve to be treated with respect. Show her that you are capable of moving on from her (even if inside you are a crumbling wreck). Remember nothing you did justifies her behaviour.

 

Good Luck

[thefatherof1]

Are you out of your mind? By not telling the OM's wife you are sending a clear message to the OM that there are no consequences to him screwing your wife and destroying your marriage. You are sending a message that you are afraid of him. This is absolutely ridiculous. If the roles had been reversed would your wife have been so fearful as you. I would strongly suggest:

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See a lawyer immediately.

3. When you divorce her you should have your children back full time.

 

I totally agree with these recommendations. File for divorce, expose the OM and move on with your life. The faster you pull the bandage, the faster you will heal.

[beach]

Oay it gets better now. I have now been threatened by a number of people that If I go to his wife they will sort me out. See what I mean. It's not worth it

 

All the more reason to tell what's true!

 

Must not live in fear = expose away!!! Don't ever allow anyone to keep you from telling your truth!

 

They must have reasons to keep it secret - don't betray yourself further by staying silent.

 

Have a voice and speak your truth!

 

 

If she needed you to lie for her = then she knows she shouldn't be DOING THAT!

 

 

 

"You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say."

-- Martin Luther

 

 

 

 

Don't "help her lie and cheat"!

Edited October 29, 2013 by beach

[Darren Steez]

Thank you all. I may be wimping out but I have chose to have NC. It may be the right thing to tell his wife but the way things are escalating at the moment I think it is only a matter of time before she finds out herself. I really dont want to be the one who is ***** stirring. I am going to focus on my family and kids and let her make her own mistakes. I have already exposed her cheating to her family so she is getting a hard time from that and her boss is now aware. Its going to come like a domino effect. You are right though. She is in the fog of an affair. When it clears it will be interesting to see how it plays out. By then I guess I will have moved on. I went out yesterday. First time in years and it felt so good. I am wondering, even if she wanted me back, whether I would want to go though all that again. I guess the trust is now gone. It hurts like hell and my emotions are like a roller coaster but I would rather experience Schadenfreude (pleasure in other peoples misfortunes) then make out that I am bothered anymore.

 

I'm sorry but this is nonsense. You got cheated on by you wife. OM's wife automatically became involved. There is four of you now intimately connected, it's not sh*t stirring is it? Infidelity has occurred, had OM's wife found out wouldn't you want to know?

 

You're scared of your wife's friend, scared of OM's wife. When do you stand up for yourself and do what's right?

[wwobuk]

All of her friends are who she has met since starting this new job in January. She even created a Whats App group for them called Inner Circle. They are like a bunch of school kids. Wife is 26, Her friend is 32 and these two guys are 40 and 51 respectively.

I know what you are all saying but in my case the fac that I am having absolutely zero contact with her now is driving her crazy. I know this from the amount of texts she is now sending me saying "I thought we were going to be amicable".

 

It gets better. She wanted to know where I was last night as she is convinced I was watching her house and was going to call the police. (I wasn't by the way, lol, I was shopping with the kids). She got herself so paranoid. I am now finding it kinda amusing seeing her panicing and getting jumpey. It does mean that she knows I wasnt home last night for an hour though so someone is giving her this information. None of her friends live round here unless they see me out at the shops. Who knows.

[BetrayedH]

What reason does she have to expect an amicable divorce? She's totally shi t on you, destroyed her children's family, and now has her friends threatening you. What's to be amicable about? Apparently she'd like you to not just be screwed over but to smile about it.

 

Like you, I avoided telling the other man's wife. I was too focused on my own drama. I said many of the same things as you.

 

That said, I agree with Carrie. Your wife has some nerve trying to dictate to whom you can speak. She's not your partner anymore, by her own choice.

 

I hope you looked up 'the 180.' As you can see, not talking to her (refusing the eat the shi t sandwiches she's serving up) drives them crazy. Take control of your own life. Make your own decisions without any influence from her. Bitches don't get lovey-dovey, amicable behavior. They get kicked to the curb.

 

By the way, it took me six weeks to tell the other man's wife. But I did it. Eventually, she'll be the one person with whom you most empathize. She deserves the truth and to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. She doesn't deserve to waste more years of her life living a lie and being unknowingly exposed to STDs. She needs to heal. Given time, I don't think you'll care what your wife thinks and even less about what her friends have to say. You'll have your own sense of confidence about doing the right thing and be proud of it. I can tell you that exposing to the OMW was the best decision I made; I have no regrets whatsoever. It marked a turning point for me where my decisions were no longer influenced by a person out to hurt me. I became my own man again. As for her friends, I would tell them to bring it on. Hopefully, they enjoy jail.

[Yesterday]

Well I don't know if my story is going to relate to anyone else but I would certainly love some opinions and comments because the last few months have made me think I was insane.

 

Lets go back to January. I had the perfect marriage. Two gorgeous children and I had two children from my previous marriage living with me full time. The wife loved these kids just like her own. She even had ALL the kids initials tattooed on her foot. We were the perfect family. Married for 3 years but been together since 2006.

 

In January she started a new job. Because of her hours we decided that I stay at home and look after the kids and she will go to work. It all went great until March.

 

In March she started to get friendly with a girl and two guys. They would endlessly be on this "Whats app" text thingy chatting about anything and everything. I wasn't worried at all. Our phones are always unlocked and we always look over each others shoulder and have a laugh at whats being written. Just banter stuff really. The girl friend became like sisters to my wife and they would spend hours together. She would come over and we would have a good ol laugh.

 

Come April the texting was starting to get obsessive. She was on the phone all day. Not to her friend anymore either as she was ALWAYS with her. It was to these two guys. I started to say that is was getting a bit extreme but she took this as a sign I was controlling her. This started an arguement. She also started coming back from her job late too. I once caught her out to where she had been and her answer was that I was checking up on her and I was too controlling.

 

Come May it was getting worse. The texting was worse. She had started going out and socialising and still coming back late from work with crazy excuses. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I love her and I had to trust her. One night she was texting so much that she was completely ignoring a conversation I was having with her. This was the straw that broke the camels back and I fronted up and asked her what was going on.

 

She said the immortal words "I love you, but Im not in love with you".....What!!!!!. We were perfect 3 months ago. I thought we were perfect now. We were trying for another kid!!!!! Who does that when they are not in love?

 

We sorted things out but two weeks later she decided to move out. I managed to convince her to stay and took the blame that I was controlling even though this was probably a big mistake.

 

It then got worse. Her behavior did not change. She went out more and after what she had told me I became clingy. For my 40th birthday I asked her to just come out. me and her on a date. It never happend. At the end of August I had had enough and told her my feelings. Two weeks later she had rented a place and moved out taking my two youngest kids with her. I see them every Wed, Thur and Fri.

 

Heres the kicker. Two weeks after leaving she is in a fully blown relationship with one of the guys she was texting. One of the ones I was most suspicious of. This guy is 26 years older then her and is married. He is 51.!!!

 

This must have been going on for months. To say that right up to the day she decided to leave we were still trying for a baby makes me sick.

 

From that period May to August she told me that she was in love with me. She didn't mean anything she said. I said don't just say it if you dont mean it. I can take it but she insisted she felt so in love with me.

 

When she left she said it was all a show, a lie. Then she said I felt like it for two years......What!!!!!!!

 

To me our problems started when she started this job. She is blaming everything on me saying I was too controlling and clingy. I think I had reason too. She was cheating and hated being found out.

 

As you can imagine I am a wreck. I still love her...I know im mad. Through all of this I would take her back in a heart beat. She has destroyed a family though her actions and is now moving on as if she was not to blame and I forced her..

 

I am so at a loss. My health has gone down hill. Ive lost 2 stone in a month. Im on god knows how many anti depressants. All for a woman I thought was perfect and would spend the rest of my life with.....

 

wwobuk

So you've been living with your wife since she was 19 and you are 14 years older, say 33 at that time? Did you have an affair with her while you were married? How old was she when you started dating?

 

She obviously has no problem with older men, and perhaps no issues about breaking up a marriage.

 

What she has done is wrong, but you probably knew of her moral compass from the start. This is not a reason to accept her behavior but it could help you understand that she probably has the feeling of being trapped which is why she has felt it was a lie, 2 years ago.

 

I sense deeper issues within your wife, that need to be brought out. I believe the 51 year old is a predator who has taken advantage of her. You must expose this to his wife, despite any threats. Then you need to seek professional help for your wife to find out why she has boundary or esteem issues.

 

Failing that, walk away and get your financial affairs in order on behalf of yourself and your children.

 

Good luck

Edited October 29, 2013 by Yesterday

[Jbum5]

I am absolutely gobsmacked at your wife's behavior, but you also need to be set straight.

 

You chose a woman who has loose morals - you should really consider refining your people-reading skills.

 

On top of that she probably wasn't as interested and "in love" with you as you naively thought - you were with her like a foolish chump-in-love.

 

Learn from your mistakes and apply them going forward.

 

For now, fight through the pain and just remember that harlots like her will have another thing coming. In other words, you get a chance to find someone better for you to be happy with.

[beach]

Oh and she says I have no right to tell as we are seperated and what she gets up to is her own business.

 

You have every right to tell what is real. Especially if the truth brings to light the harm that has been caused by the ones cheating.

 

Tell all!

[aliveagain]

Friend, why are you protecting her when she is sh*ting on you and your children? Expose her cheating ass and move on. Tell the O/M's wife, she deserves to know the kind of dirt bag she is married to, her health is at risk. Read up on the 180, detach yourself from the train wreck that your wife has become. Protect your children.

[Steadfast]

I'm sensing plenty of drama. Typical, and right now it's all fresh and tasty. Her, and her friends are all into it. It empowers her and her boyfriend too.

 

Like I told you; any interaction -any- will be taken as some kind of ploy. That's how affairs and cheating are wired. What to do when you must interact? In matters regarding the children, finances or the divorce? Keep it simple. Get to the point, make it, then get out. No reason to be rude. Be yourself without showing all the crap that's stirring around inside of you.

 

You must deal with that on your own. Away from her.

 

A very wise person once said betrayal, separation and divorce bring out the worst in us. It's true. Best you know that now so you can get a handle on what you do and say. In just weeks or months the drama will cool...or be replaced with another drama. What then? That's about the time the reality of what has happened begins to manifest into a clearer picture. That's when many waywards begin to second guess their decisions.

 

Look, it's normal to wonder about her. I get it. It's even normal to secretly hope she hits the wall and comes running back. She might...she might not. All you can do is take care of your responsibilities and make sure you're making healthy choices. Choices that help you learn, heal and move on.

 

You can't control her, or anyone else. Don't live in fear of cowards. Do the right thing every time and focus on helping the innocent who are suffering.

[Cali408]

OP, you need to man the heck up and ASAP. First, why would you let her take your kids? You didn't cause the problem, she did. This will bite you in the butt during custody.

 

1. Initiate limited contact. Only speak to her in regard to the kids well being. Period. No how are you, I miss you, take me back...

Move on with your life. You have to.

 

2. See a lawyer and file divorce. You need to get on the offense here and go for 100% FULL CUSTODY. Not shared FULL! No mediation, nothing. It will cost you a lot but it's worth it.

 

3. Accept it's over. You've done all the begging you could. you don't need her.

[happyman64]

WWOBUK

 

When you shed the fear and expose her Affair to the OMW you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders.

 

It will also make your STBXW respect you whether she wants to or not.

 

Expose the Affair.

Then just focus on your kids and yourself. Get back in shape if you need to.

 

Prepare yourself to get this wacko woman out of your life and just be a coparent.

 

HM

[miguelcervantes]

How are things going wwobuk ?

[wwobuk]

I really am finding it hard to cope. I am crying endlessly. The doc has put me on the max dose of anti-depressants and all I can think about his her with this other man. 2 months ago we had the perfect marriage and it's like she is a completely different person now. She is a compulsive liar, a cheat and has done so much to hurt me. Why then would I take her back in a heartbeat if the opportunity arose. I can't control my feelings. She was my soul mate and now I am so alone. We are still bonded by our children. I have now gone no contact with her which helps but the distance feels like I have left a friend and the bond we have with our children is not as strong and that tears me apart. I still havent told the other persons wife. I know I should but I am letting things run it's course. I was thinking last night what it would be like if she came back and I realised I would never trust her again. The steps she would have to go through to win my trust back would be too much for anyone. I know I have lost her now. I can deal with that. I can't deal with the fact that another man is all over her. Our friendship is in tatters and trying to be amicable in front of the kids is like a really bad actor going through the motions. It comes in waves too. I can be great. Then I can be devastated.

[turnera]

Okay here's the problem. I was going to tell his wife but his wife is a bit of a psycho and I don't really want it falling down at my door. They both know that I could tell her so if she finds out they know it will have come from me.

So? Man or mouse? You can't nice your wife back to you. You CAN fight for her by working to destroy the affair, as you should, yet be willing to walk away if she won't stop cheating.

[turnera]

Have you told your wife's parents and siblings that she's cheating?

[RightThere]

2 months ago we had the perfect marriage and it's like she is a completely different person now. She is a compulsive liar, a cheat and has done so much to hurt me.

 

I hate to break it to you, but she's been a liar and a cheat for waaaaaaaaay longer than you even realize.

 

This part sucks. I've been there and still revisit there. Just keep focusing on one day. Getting through that day. During this time the only thing I looked forward to was crawling into bed and turning off all the lights. No one looking at me and I could totally break down and be myself with my feelings.

 

The fake it till you make it in front of people is hard, but keep it up. You'll notice that all of a sudden you went 10 minutes without thinking all the bad thoughts. Then it stretches to 1/2 hour. Then a couple hours.

 

Hang on and keep posting. It's the best therapy I could find.