What Are The Chances Love Will Lead Him Back?

[luvsadrummer]

I’m new here and need you guys for support. I hope you won't flame me. I’ve been trying to deal with this heart ache and fog alone. And I think it will help me if I can just tell my story to a group like you, who cares, understands and will listen and offer support.

 

 

Here's my story:

 

My High School crush found me on Facebook earlier this year. It was really weird because neither of us remembered who each other was when we became FB friends. I'm not exactly sure why he sent the request in the first place. But he interacted with me on FB and we became Words with Friends game buddies too, even without remembering who each other was.

 

Then, after a full month of wondering why his name sounded so familiar to me, I finally remembered who he was, and I told him what I remembered about him, particularly that he had been my High School crush from the moment I first saw him 35 years ago.

 

He was pleasantly surprised to learn of my past crush on him, and he immediately started asking for pictures and asked for my private cell number, and asked for my skype ID. I was hesitant to give that stuff to him, but he kept begging for it. So I eventually caved and we started texting, facebook messaging and skype messaging (no video) on a daily basis.

 

He'd always ask me stuff about my husband. Because my marriage is good, I only spoke positively about my husband and marriage. Conversely, I wasn't allowed to ask him about his wife and he played like she didn't exist. Whether he was 'hiding' her from our relationship or just protecting her (and me) from jealousy issues, I'll never know.

 

He is talented, funny, smart, sweet, humble, so very kind, and an all round a super friend. We loved chatting online every day & playing that Words With Friends game. And it was uncanny how well we clicked. We both felt we were like soul friends.

 

The first month or so, he'd text me all throughout the day, checking on me and what not. He almost always initiated contact, not the other way around. This was all new and exciting to me. I thought we were just friends, but to have a man that I deeply admired texting me all through the day was something I wasn't used to. I quickly came to look forward to his wonderful attention and during that first month, I found myself falling in love with him, and that scared me. So I told him what was going on with my feelings, and I established boundaries for us. I didn't mean to fall for him, it just happened naturally....

 

About a week after telling him I loved him and setting boundaries, I panicked because I started worrying that telling him about my feelings would ruin the friendship. So early one morning, I sent him a big long text, politely telling him that my feelings for him weren't as deeply rooted as I had said. I told him I was sorry for exaggerating such a thing, but I hope we could still be friends.

 

That really hurt him. It really did! And he spent the entire day blasting a barrage of upsetting texts back at me, telling me how much that hurt him, and how I was evil to do such a thing. And the angry texts went on and on and on, and he really hurt me back. It was awful. But I guess I deserved it.

 

Finally, that evening, he calmed down, and while chatting on FB, he asked me to explain why I did that to him. That's when I told him that, out of fear, I made up the lie that I didn't really love him, but the truth is, that I truly do love him but I'm scared of losing our friendship. He forgave me, we smoothed things over, and our relationship deepened for the next 2 or 3 months.

 

 

Every day, mostly in the evenings, for at least an hour or more, we'd chat online. His biggest question he always had for me was, why didn't I put notes in his locker at school, telling him how I felt about him back then? WHY?? He'd ask me that over and over again. He told me that it was my fork in the road. He said that a note would have made a huge difference for us. The fact that I didn't leave a note for him really bugged him.

 

Although he never spoke about his wife or marriage, he vaguely hinted that he wasn't happy in his marriage. Early on in our relationship, he told me he seriously needed a change, but for some reason, at the time, I didn't quite believe he was talking about his marriage. Another day, we were talking and he flat out asked me if I was happy, and I said "Sure." He quickly responded.... "that's a no". So I quickly asked him if he was happy and he said "sure". So because he had just defined the word 'sure' as meaning 'no', then it seemed pretty clear to me that he was telling me he wasn't happy in his marriage. But maybe I'm misunderstanding this.

 

 

He was somewhat cautious about what he'd express to me, and would come just short of saying the full "I love you"... In fact, it was more like "I love...." As if he was afraid to admit his feelings because he wasn't supposed to have feelings for an OW. But at the same time, it was like he wanted me to know he loved me.

 

We were cautious with what we said online .... We flirted constantly, but we were never 'dirty'. And to be safe, I always deleted our conversations each evening. I assumed he was doing the same thing.

 

He was always telling me to take a break from my husband, and come back to visit my family (I had moved 2500 miles away from my parents, who lived near him) and take some time to be with him, to "rekindle". He had our rendezvous all planned out, and would tell me what to expect. In one breath he'd say there would be no physical contact, but in the next breath, he'd completely contradict that. I was often confused.

 

He'd always tell me I needed to be free of my husband, but I never thought he meant anything by it. I guess I thought we were just friends and living the fantasy and so to me, him saying that, was just part of the fantasy. But looking back, now I'm not so sure. Sometimes his jealousy of my husband was very obvious.

 

Then one day, he asked me to join him (alone) for his 3 day business conference at a fancy mountain resort. At first I flatly turned him down. But turning him down hurt him. It really did. In fact, it hurt him so much that he unfriended me on FB for a couple of days. Finally, I let him believe that I'd join him at his 3 day conference, and so he friended me back and things seemed to be fine again. This 3 day gig would have been our first time together since our relationship started.

 

Every day, he'd talk to me about this 3 day rendezvous. And even though in my mind, I hadn't committed myself to actually going, I was getting excited about the possibility of going. As far as he knew, I was going. And I wanted to go... I really wanted to be with him, alone. And he knew it.

 

One evening while we were talking about this 3 day rendezvous, he must have gotten careless with his facebook account because his wife somehow found out about me while he and I were in the middle of a FB chat. We were just chatting along having a good conversation, and then, all of the sudden, the first message he sent after an awkward 8 minute pause was, "we're breaking up." That's it! That's all. Then, a couple of hours later, he deactivated his FB account.

 

The next morning I woke to a facebook message from his wife, asking me what's up with me and her husband. She also sent me a friend request. I didn't respond to any of it.

 

Then 2 days after our break-up, he unlinked me on linkedin, uninstalled skype and sent me 2 emails telling me no further communication will be accepted and for me to delete his contact from my accounts.

 

 

I was stunned, confused and devastated. It was hard for me to believe that he would carelessly leave his phone or facebook open where his wife could read our conversations... but that was the only reasonable explanation of why our friendship ended so suddenly, with no further explanation.

 

So, I honored the no contact request. I did NOT contact him. But despite that, 2 weeks later he sent me a 3rd email again asking for "Please, no more contact, either electronically, traditionally or in person, and not to respond to this email but simply confirm receipt to show affirmation and agreement"

 

It was like he needed some kind of proof that I wouldn't contact him further. Why PROOF?? I thought that was weird. But I suspect that he was going through some really rough stuff at home and trying to rebuild trust. Maybe she tossed him out for a night or two. I just don't know. But still, this 3rd email was a head scratcher for me. After all, I never violated NC in the first place.

 

 

Now it's been 2 months since the break up and apparent discovery. There has been absolutely no contact between us. The NC is probably easier for me than most people because we have a huge geographical distance between us so there's no chance of us bumping into each other, and also I know whatever happened to bring on the breakup is painful enough for him... I don't want make it worse, so I'll honor NC.

 

Yes… I'm hurting because I've lost a best friend. Even a soul friend. He's a super guy. And I'm a super woman. We both just got caught up in reconnecting with a special lost friend. Not a minute passes that he's not on my mind and in my heart. It's very difficult for me to focus and work. I wish I knew what he was feeling and thinking. I wish I knew how he is doing? I wish and wonder so many things.

 

And I wonder, why was it so much easier to get over serious relationships back when I was in college? Back then, I'd recover from a breakup within just a few days. But this feels like I'll never heal. NEVER! My gut is telling me that after a few years, his heart will lead him back to me someday. I don't know why I feel that way, but something tells me someday, he will be back. I hope it's true. But maybe that's just my foolish heart’s wishful thinking. After all, how many exMM's actually reconnect with the OW after something like this?

 

 

So I'm posting this for several reasons.

 

1. Obviously, like all of you, I need support. I have nowhere to turn. I need friends who can relate and help and encourage me to stick to NC. I need others who will listen to my story, and empathize. You guys are all I have to pour my heart out to...you are the only ones who will listen and understand. I don't want the friendship with my MM to be over, but for now, it appears he needs time and space. I don't know what's going on in his marriage, but I hope it's not permanently over between he and I. Obviously, it felt right, but the timing was waaaay off. And I think that's why it bugged him so much that I didn't leave him notes about my crush in high school. In his mind, back then, we had a chance at this.

 

 

2. I need your opinions, insight and thoughts on….

 

What is your opinion on why he needed to send the 3rd no contact request email?

 

Is it possible he was trying to elicit a response from me… using it as a passive aggressive way through a 3rd email to provoke me to break NC for some reason?

 

Or could there be something more serious going on between him and his wife, where he had to send the 3rd email? ie: something legal? Did she feel she needed this kind of proof? I just don't get it!

 

Or... and I say this because this was strictly an online relationship, but maybe he had this thought that I'd be a bunny boiler or something, and wanted proof in advance just in case he'd need a restraining order against me? Crazy I know, but who knows. Maybe he thinks I'll stalk him. It doesn't seem like what he'd think I'd do, but I guess you never know because he'd never broke up with me before and maybe wasn't sure how it would land with me. Who knows?

 

3. Based on what I've told you, do you think his marriage was having trouble before we reconnected? Do you think he was actively seeking someone to fill a void to finally be happy? Again, he initiated everything, not the other way around. I had the feeling he had been ‘looking’ to fill a void in his life, when he first found me. So that’s why he didn’t hesitate to get closer when I told him he was my HS crush. He and his BS are in their early 50’s and have been married 23 years and they are recently empty nesters. Maybe that's got something to do with it? It's a big transition for them.

 

4. Is it at all likely his heart will lead him back to me in the future? I know you can't know this for sure, but how common is it for exMM to reconnect with the OW. We parted on good terms. We parted for discovery reasons. My gut tells me he's not happy in his marriage (something seems to be missing), nevertheless he feels obligated or needs time to work something out. This whole thing we had felt so right, but the timing was so wrong. So I wonder if it's possible love will eventually lead him back? How common is such a thing?

 

5. And why did he hide his wife from our relationship? He knew I knew he was married.... but I thought we what we were working on was just friendship, so why hide his wife from me? Why not talk about her like he always wanted to talk about my husband? Why would a man hide his wife like this?

[oliviah]

A few weeks ago I did a job interview with someone and she told me if you go against where you are supposed to be you will get beat up! You can't fight it. Just sit still and evaluate. Believe me easier said than done!

[Speakingofwhich]

luvsadrummer, it sounds as if you behaved normally with your high school crush but he didn't behave normally with you. I doubt you can figure out the reason why. His behavior seems odd to me.

 

Scheduling a three-day get-a-way at a mountain resort and building anticipation with you through talking about it a lot beforehand is a pretty intimate venture. To do this without meeting or seeing you on skype (didn't you say you just talked on skype?) since high school or ever having explained his marriage situation to you seems strange to me.

 

And, yes, the triple-tiered request for NC without you ever breaking the first request is also weird.

 

Please don't be offended, I know I'm not the one who had communications with him so I may be missing something but this all seems creepy to me. Sorry, don't mean to offend you but I'm not sure but what I wouldn't have been frightened to go off to a mountain resort with someone who behaved this way.

Edited October 27, 2013 by Speakingofwhich
punctuation; clarity

[rumbleseat]

I'm sorry, but he sounds like he's got some issues. You say he wanted to "rekindle", but rekindle what? You never had a relationship in the first place. All his nonsense about notes in his locker etc. just sounds weird.

 

I know you may feel like you know him, but really, how well can you really say that you know him? All you know is words on a screen ( or over Skype ) and he could have been saying whatever it is he thinks you want to hear. It also sounds as if he wasn't listening to you and was projecting his own feelings onto you. You say that you told him you were happy, and he tried tell you that you aren't. That sounds strange.

 

It's also strange that you get a friend request from him, but he claimed to not even know who you are? That makes no sense. How many adults are sending out friend requests to members of the opposite sex who they don't even know, but whom they just happened to have gone to school with?

 

I don't know what is going on in his head, but instead of trying to figure out why he "broke up" with you, perhaps you should focus on why he ever contacted you in the first place.

[SarahJames]

1. What is your opinion on why he needed to send the 3rd no contact request email?

 

It probably had something to do with his wife. Perhaps she wanted him to show her proof that you were agreeing not to contact him anymore. Either way, not your problem and you didn't have to reply. No, I don't think he sent it to elicit a response from you because it doesn't make sense. What would be his motive for doing that? If he wanted to communicate something to you, he would.

 

No, he didn't think you would be a bunny boiler. You are thinking too much into it.

 

Do I think his marriage was having trouble? Perhaps. Was he actively seeking? Maybe not. I think after 23 years of marriage, it isn't uncommon for a marriage to lose its "spark". Things become routine. Not much to look forward to. There is not much excitement. Not much "newness". No more "butterfly feeling" when seeing that one person. That's when people tend to veer onto the path of infidelity. He may not have been actively seeking, but you may have given him that "spark" again. BUT you need to remember, he made his choice when he told you not to contact him anymore. You were his fantasy. His reality is with his wife. You're going to have to let this go.

 

 

4. Is it at all likely his heart will lead him back to me in the future?

 

I wish I had the answers to things like this. Listen, crazier things HAVE happened. Anything is possible in life, ANYTHING. You can't continue to assume he's SOOOO unhappy in his marriage. Clearly, he's not THAT unhappy...he's not meeting or talking to you now, is he? If you two are meant to be together, it will happen. Maybe in a year he will remember you, perhaps you will have never left his mind, and he will make an effort to contact you. But you can't dwell on it. As of now, he made his choice. He chose his wife, and you have a husband.

 

5. How do you know he was hiding her? How much effort did you make in asking him about her? Maybe he didn't want to have that awkward conversation when things were clearly more than platonic between you. Maybe he wanted to protect her and her privacy. Maybe he felt like it was none of your business. He couldn't have been hiding her too much since you knew she existed.

 

 

Here is what I think happened: His wife caught him. She most likely saw the fb messages. He panicked. He panicked because he finally realized what he had been doing. He had been living in this fantasy world where there was some hope for the two of you being together whether it be for those 3 days or for years to come. It was a fantasy. When he was faced with the thought of losing his wife and his life with her (perhaps a family too?), he panicked and wanted out. So, he cut all communication with you in order to preserve his marriage. He probably even blamed the whole thing on you - probably said you were flirting with him, etc.

 

What bothered me about this was the fact that HE seemed to be the one pursuing you more. When you kept your distance, he got upset. Then, when he felt he was in danger of his wife knowing, he treated you like you didn't exist. Ultimately, it's understandable that he no longer wants to communicate with you in order to remain on good terms with his wife. However, he could have, in the very least, sent you an e-mail saying, "Hey, my wife saw the messages between us. She was really upset. I had to tell her that you were a girl I knew from high school and it was just platonic. Either way, she feels threatened and does not want me remaining in contact with you. I'm sorry things have to end this way. Hope you understand". Seriously, the LEAST he could have done. Very rude on his part. You shouldn't even be hoping he comes back, for what? Be thankful that it never became physical. Be thankful that you still have your husband and no marriages have been ruined.

[whichwayisup]

But this feels like I'll never heal. NEVER!

 

All contact was online and skype etc..the thing is, your mind filled in the blanks and along the way you created a 'fantasy' of who you wanted/thought he was. This is why you're having trouble letting go, you miss him and all, but you also miss how he made you feel.

 

Anyway, the gist of this? You're married, he's married. It was going no where and doing much damage to you, your marriage and what you feel towards your own husband. I'm sure you feel emotionally detached from your husband. Sure you may love your H, but he doesn't provide the feelings felt during your online fling.

 

Best thing is to put this in your past and let go. Don't over think it and focus on your future with your husband. reconnect again with him.

 

Another thing, since his wife knows of what happened, have you thought about telling your H? I am surprised that his wife didn't try (maybe she is/ or has) tried to find out who your H is and tell him and about you and her H.

 

Grieve the loss like any other ending of a R/friendship. It hurts and you'll probably feel sad for a while but don't let this ruin you! Life is short! Get busy, distract yourself and block him out.

[OpheliaSong]

Did your Husband say it was okay if you were having a emotional affair online with this guy? Does he know?

[luvsadrummer]

Thanks for your comments. They all make good sense. Your kind comments are helping me to remain resolute in this.

 

Like I said, I only led him to believe I'd join him for the retreat. In my mind, I was not going to go, although I really wanted to, just as friends, not sex.

 

And yes, he has deactivated his facebook account, and she's not on my account, so that's covered.

 

 

 

Yes, rumbleseat.... I wondered about his choice of words relative to the 'rekindle' reference. I also thought that was strange and I really should have asked him what he meant by it, but at the time, I brushed it off as part of his fantasy.

 

 

And when it ended, I also questioned why he chose to use the words 'breaking up' since we weren't even a 'couple'.

 

And I actually get quite a few facebook friend requests from old school mates who I don't remember. A few of them I confirm, because we have a lot of mutual friends, but mostly I ignore them. When he sent me the request, I checked his profile to see that he was married, to see who our common friends were and a few other things before I confirmed him. Everything about him seemed harmless so I confirmed.

 

Here's something else he did that was weird, at some point after he added me on FB, he unfriended his wife from his list. I suspect he did that to hide his activities with me.... comments and such.

 

Yes, it was all strange, and I noticed how things seemed strange as they came up. But I got so caught in the fog that everything just seemed ok. I felt safe because of the geographical distance and I didn't plan to meet him at a resort. I told him, if I did end up visiting family and decided to meet him, I was comfortable meeting him at places like the mall, etc.

 

I titled the thread this way because I'm seeking clarity. I've needed clarity since the day my heart got side tracked with him. So I'm on this board to gather strength and courage so that if he does contact me again, I'll do the right thing.

 

I'm not evil. I'm just human and I got side tracked and somehow....like so many other people on here... but fortunately I was spared disaster.

[luvsadrummer]

I've talked to my husband about this guy. In fact, the day the angry texts started, very early on is when we really talked about the whole thing. Yes, hubby knows.

 

You see, I'm not evil. I'm just human. Humans make mistakes, and I made a mistake.

 

My husband and I have a great relationship, and sparks are still there. But indeed, this fantasy from an old crush really gripped me, and several times I tried to end it with this guy because I got scared. I guess I just needed him to pull the plug, because every time I tried to pull the plug, he'd wiggle his way back in. Yes, I guess he is manipulative.

 

For those of you who are wondering why I'd get wrapped up in this in the first place... a happily married woman with a husband who is very attentive in every imaginable way, let me give what I've learned about myself so far....

 

My business was stressing me to the point where I was vulnerable.... needing a distraction. My husband didn't serve as the distraction because he is part of the business. So when this friendship started to develop, it truly was a wonderful distraction from my stress. I became addicted to his attention, his humor, and everything else.

 

Also, I've often felt I lacked close friends, and when he came along, we just clicked in many ways, and he seemed to fill that void as well. I know I need to seek female friends instead of men, but seriously I wasn't seeking anything when he came along.

Edited October 27, 2013 by luvsadrummer

[SunshineToday]

His wife found out what he was doing behind her back. He made a decision to stop.

 

How would you feel if your husband did like you ? Corresponding with an old high school flame, talking of love? Planning a meet up?

 

You got lucky his wife was alert. You are lucky you have an understanding husband.

 

It doesn't sound like your guy will come back.

[Speakingofwhich]

Honestly, if I had a dime for every married man who tried to hit on me online because he was 'lonely,' or 'unhappy,' or 'misunderstood,' or in a 'bad marriage,' I'd be rich. You can't swing a dead cat around by the tail without hitting at least 100 of these losers.

 

I get a lot done online and haven't met any of these losers. Where are you hanging out online? Truly curious. And not so I can go there, either! The only place I can think of would be FB and all my friends/classmates there are respectful.

[jlola]

I get a lot done online and haven't met any of these losers. Where are you hanging out online? Truly curious. And not so I can go there, either! The only place I can think of would be FB and all my friends/classmates there are respectful.

\

I once belonged to an online trading forum. Lots of men on that forum. I got private emails from men initially being very helpful with information. Little by little, there came the come ons. Where do you live, what do you lok like, any pictures?

 

The "private" talk about their lives. One of the guys that was particularly helpful worked for an oil Co. and traveled a lot. He of course suggested we meet up for coffee when he came to my city. I don't know why I asked since I really thought of him as just a helpful friend. But found out he was married 2 months after contact. I had to ask, "Are you married, any kids?"he never volunteered. Never did meet though he was very helpful and taught me a lot.

 

A friend did suggest I use a male forum name after that and that seemed to work.

Edited October 27, 2013 by jlola

[Sky23]

Hi luvsadrummer,

 

Your story is so similar to mine that I had to respond. The main difference is that his wife hasn't found out and we still correspond. But I wonder if he will throw me under the bus and blame me for everything if that happens.

 

I don't know if it helps but I know how you feel. <<<hug>>>

[Pastypop]

I would have replied to the third email and told him to shove it up his lying, cheating, cowardly butt. That would have been all the confirmation his wife needed. If he does contact you in the future, tell him to get lost. Once you get past the pain of his games, you will be so glad that you never went on that trip.

[mea_M]

Oh boy. FB strikes once again. I say that only because I personally know of so many people who have reconnected in some way or another with an old flame or even friend and in about every case it ended in disaster. The disaster being feelings hurt by spouses and familes almost torn apart. I'm not saying you are bad in anyway, your human, you rekindled an old connection and probably never expected feelings to get caught up or spouses to find out. Honestly, try and forget him. His display of I'm sure honoring his wife's wish to no longer have any contact you he took to heart. That tells me his marriage is important to him. More important than you're exchanges on FB. Look, I realize this may be tough, but try to not give him much more thought. You will only wind up confused and very hurt. Stay strong and honor his nc wishes.

 

 

Mea :-)