Do I wait for him?

[Dee]

Hello.

 

A few months ago I met a guy who I am very attracted to and could develop strong feelings for. He is also attracted to me. However, I let him know up front that I am a virgin and that the possibility of us having sex wouldn't be possible until he and I had developed some level of committment. He wants a casual relationship that's also physical and I can't give him that. Although he thinks that I am a smart and attractive woman who most guys would want to have, he stated that he couldn't date me right now because he isn't sure that he can wait for sex.

 

So, we are trying to be friends (after we have already had several passionate kissing sessions). However, when we hang out he wants us to hug and kiss like people who are dating. I tell him that we can't do that because we aren't dating and friends don't make out with each other. I think he understands. However, sometimes he acts like I am rejecting him or something.

 

Basically, what I want to know is if I am going about this the right way. Should I stop hanging out with him altogether or what? He seems to be considering a relationship with me so how long do I wait for him to make a decision?

 

Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

 

- Dee

[Laurynn]

I just wanted to tell you, GOOD FOR YOU, for standing up for your beliefs. Too many times, women 'give in' to things because they want so badly to get or keep the guy. Although I'm not a virgin, I feel the same way as you do. I wouldn't even consider having sex with someone unless we had a definite, committed, monogamous relationship.

 

I agree with you too, that if he only wants to be 'friends', that he shouldn't expect more than a friendship would entail (kissing, hugging, etc).

 

He knows where you stand.....now it's up to him to make an honest decision as to what he wants. Just be very careful that he doesn't 'tell you stories' simply to get you into bed.

 

How much time have you two spent together? Is it enough so that he should know you well enough to know whether he wants a serious relationship or not?

 

As to how long you should wait til he makes up his mind......don't give HIM all the control. The question should be, how long are YOU willing to wait??

 

Do you two sit and talk about things? How is your communication? Have you ever sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk about things? If so, what does he say? What do you say?

 

If he's made it clear that he's the kind of guy who likes casual (with sex) relationships.....nothing too serious, isn't looking for a 'commitment' at this time in his life.....I doubt there's anything you can do (or would want to do) to change his mind.

 

Whatever you do, you need to feel very secure that whatever decision he makes, he's sincere. I've known men who wanted casual fun....but knew I couldn't handle that (wouldn't)..so they'd lead me to believe they'd changed their mind, when in fact they hadn't.....they were just saying whatever it took to get me into bed. Please be careful. Let his actions speak.

 

By the way, what are your ages?

 

Laurynn

[Dee]

Laurynn,

 

Thanks for your words of encouragement and advice.

 

I am 25 and the guy is 30. He's at this stage where he feels it's time for him to settle down. I think he feels that it is almost aabout time for him to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage.

 

We have had a few talks and from what I understand he wants to be careful and know for sure that someone will be right for him before he decides to committ. However, in the meantime, he wants sex so....

 

I am definitely going to wait and see what his actions tell me as opposed to what comes out of his mouth. In fact, I have been waiting for him to suggest when we hang out. I used to ask him but then I started to feel like I was putting pressure on him or something.

 

Anyway, you are right when you say that I shouldn't give him all the control. I know that if someone else comes along who respects the way I feel and wants to be in a relationship with me that I won't turn them down because of this other guy.

 

Thanks again for your help.

 

- Dee

[sunshine]

In reading your situation I found myself totally relating in a different sort of way, I am also very attracted to a man but we had sex and since then things have definately changed. I think that you should be proud of yourself for not giving in to a man that wants to have sexual relations without the commitment. You are only asking for heartache if you give in. One thing I don't understand though is why do you have to wait for him to come to the decision of what your future holds. I think that you need to ask yourself what it is that you truly want and stick to that decision. We all have the answers to all our questions if we would only give ourselves the time to LISTEN!! So my question is to you, What do YOU want and what are you willing to accept or give up for your happiness?

[Dee]

Sunshine,

 

Thanks for your response.

 

What I want is to be in a relationship with someone who will respect the decisions that I have made and not put pressure on me to do otherwise. I want someone who will be honest, sincere, intelligent, and caring. I need someone that I can talk to about anything and everything. The guy that I mentioned is most of those things. However, it is obvious that he has his own issues that he needs to deal with. I suppose that to get what I want (and not necessarily with the guy I mentioned) I will have to have patience. Waiting for the right person to come along isn't necessarily a sacrifice (even though it may feel like one). However, that seems to be what I am going to have to do.

 

So, I guess that answers your question and mine.

 

Thanks.

 

- Dee

[Laurynn]

You wrote:

 

"We have had a few talks and from what I understand he wants to be careful and know for sure that someone will be right for him before he decides to committ. However, in the meantime, he wants sex so...."

 

I guess he could give that old line about, "don't want to buy the car unless I take it for a test-drive first" LOL Be careful of that one!

 

Stick to your guns like you're doing. You need to be sure that he respects your beliefs and needs, and values. You have to be sure that he respects the fact that YOU respect YOURSELF!

 

Let us know how it goes. Good luck! Stay strong.

 

Laurynn

[Ed]

You are a woman wise beyond her years. Stick to your guns girl. Any man that's not able accept your position on this is just not the "right" man for you.

 

One question though - When you say commitment, do you mean engaged to be married? (Be careful how you answer, you could be leaving yourself wide open).

[Dee]

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

 

It's a little difficult to describe what I mean by commitment. Basically, it is my hope to share myself sexually with only one person. I have told myself and others that I wouldn't have sex until I was married (however, I know that's easier said than done). I don't want to share that part of myself with just anyone. Also, I don't want to rush into a sexual relationship for the wrong reasons. What looks like love at first isn't always that so....