18 years over. Only love I've had. Completely lost.

[steakandchips1977]

We met at school. Were friends for years. Then best friends. Then we got drunk, and... So here we are. Eighteen years later. Ten years married next year. Two young children. Over the last few years, it's true, we drifted apart. He became very focused on work, to the point of barely spending time with us. My focus has always been the kids.

I have always understood that our relationship was never a Disney dream, but that we had a solid base. I am aware that, even though only in our mid thirties, our relationship felt like that of much older people. I would have loved more romance and excitement, but decided that, in the long run, friendship, companionship, trust and family were more important.

Five weeks ago, he left. We had been going through a bad patch. He admits he was being selfish with his time - he worked from 7am, came hme at 7pm, kids went to bed at 8pm, then he worked on the computer until 2/3am. He went out with his friends every other weekend til 4am. (I know, I know, I loook back now and add up the gym membership, protein shakes, new clothes... I can see what's coming.) I just can't get over it. I have been strong for the kids, sorted out the money, arranged for him to have the kids for one day at the weekend... How could he do this? Is it a mid life crises? How do I know? It doesn't feel like it's over, but is this denial, especially because I have spent my entire adult life with him? I am terrified to even contemplate my future. He says he wants to be friends, but I HATE him. But I don't hate him. I was his wife. Uggh. Someone help me. I don't want to talk to friends. I don't have close family. I don't want to discuss this with 'real' people. I feel like such a failure, even though I was willing to give up things, (another baby, moving house for him even though I didn't want to) to make him happy. I obviously wasn't enough, and that hurts like hell. In effect, this is my first break up too. So I am coping with that, children, potential divorce and losing my best friend. Know I'm rambling. Sorry. Sorry. Please help me.

[K Os]

I'm so sorry for your pain. It is a terrible blow and I'm sure you are struggling with the enormity of it all. I understand it must be hugely more difficult than for most of us here if you have known each other since childhood.

You ask if it's a midlife crisis, and from what you say the answer is almost certainly a yes. This is classic behaviour for someone going through it. The important thing for you is to recognise that, and understand that this is all about HIM. You are not a failure in any way, you have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this treatment. Believe me, you will find many people on this forum who, just like you, believe that friendship, trust, companionship and family ARE more important than the rush of romance. Because they just ARE. Obviously. Take some time to be clear with yourself that this crisis is about what's going on with him, and it's not about you. You are not the person that this painful rejection says you are. You are a far better person that he has foolishly lost sight of.

I absolutely understand your feeling that you don't want to talk to 'real' people about it. That's perfectly normal. It can seem just too huge to raise as a subject. But I would urge you to do that, if there is anybody at all that you can turn to then it will help to let it out. Do find a professional if there's nobody nearer to you that you trust. It's worth it, believe me. I've been there and finding people to support you through it is really an enormous help. Keep posting here, there's a supportive community here and we have all been through the wringer in one way or another. People here have helpful insight on things.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My wife walked away after 16 years together. I know some of what you're feeling.

Keep strong and keep talking to us. All best wishes to you.

Edited October 27, 2013 by K Os

[steakandchips1977]

Thank you.

[Weak]

I am so sorry.

 

I have just divorced and in fact moved out of our marital home this weekend. He was also my only love and only breakup. We were together nearly thirteen years and I didn't see it coming at all. No one else was involved, but still the worst experience of my life...nothing even compares to this pain.

 

Just sharing so you know you unfortunately have company.

[melissag]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is awful. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how destructive it is to your soul to have your spouse walk away from your marriage. I know exactly how you feel when you say, "please help me." That is how I feel sometimes, too. Like I am a tiny little person holding up a tiny little sign that says "help" in a sea of large crowds of people all ignoring me. Talking to people - close friends, IC, acquaintances who have been divorced, reading and posting on the boards - is helpful. But it won't save you. You have to find it in you to get up and keep moving.

 

None of us know any more than you what your H is going through or what he is thinking. Yes, it's possible that he's just a total jackass and it's over and you should just forget it. But it's also possible that this is a (very large) bump in the road. You need to think about what feels right to you. What feels right to some people is to tell him to F off and only speak to him if necessary about the kids. Personally, I feel much better (because it doesn't feel to me like my M is over either, and I can't imagine just throwing away 13 years together plus the 4 years we were friends before that) after reading the book Divorce Remedy. I would suggest it. It might speak to you, and it might not. But it has great advice for how you can make yourself the you you want to be, and maybe, just maybe, get your H to see the light.

 

Whatever you decide to do, here is my advice. You can NOT think about the rest of your life right now. Please, don't even think about next month, or next week. Take one day at a time. What do you need to do today? Make a list and get through it. Make sure it includes exercise - preferably something that has impact like running or kickboxing - it will help you get your frustrations out and you need the endorphins more than ever right now. Give yourself time in your day to cry if you need to, but don't wallow. Stay busy busy busy!! Do things with your kids. Do things that make you feel good. Get a new haircut, buy new clothes. I found that just putting on a nice pair of shoes and hearing them click on the ground when I walk made me feel better and more confident. It is hard to feel confident when you've just been emotionally annihilated by the person you trust the most. But you can't just lie on the floor and die. You have kids and you have your own life.

 

None of this is easy! (But let's face it, you don't have a choice here!) The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. Please talk to your friends/family/acquaintances. You will be amazed at the support you get from them. Some people won't know what to do, and you'll figure that out quickly. But some will step up to the plate and help you in any way possible. Talking helps. Yes, I want to die of hurt, anger, shame, etc. when I tell someone what is going on with me. It's hard for me to say the words. But you know what? Once I get it out, talking to others gives me hope. And that's what you need right now.

[Tom amoss]

steakandchips1977

 

If it’s any help, I do know how you feel,meet my wife in my teens and was married for 24 years before she left. Its not easy is an understatement. Getting use to be on your own is a learning curve,and a hard one at that

 

The first few weeks are going to be bad, and the pain you feel is very very normal.

 

But find someone, any one who will listen to you. You need to talk your feeling though all the time. NO THIS, you are not a failure. You are perfect in every way, and are not defined by him.

 

Cry lots as this will help, and be very kind with how you talk to your self.

 

But do find someone, as many as you can,and just keep talking about it.

 

There is no avoiding the pain, as my sister keeps telling me, is there to heal you, you can not run from it you just have to face it head on.

 

But you can do things that make it easier.

 

Talk, exercise, cry, keep busy, don’t chew over the same thoughts all the time.

 

You may never be able to think this out and come up with an answer as to why.

 

Also know that your mind at this time will tell you lies. Lies about your future, lies about how you think of your self. So if you can don’t speculate about it.

 

Hang in there you, I have been there, and still going though it, but 8 months on it’s easier than it was.

 

Take lots of care and keep posting.

 

Tom

Edited October 28, 2013 by Tom amoss

[todreaminblue]

i split with my ex in my thirties.....and it rocks you ......you never imagine it could happen ...and then it does.....it will take time that's the only thing i can say after going through it myself.....counselling for the new family unit which will be partnered in two homes ...of you and your kids......you need to heal .....therapy group therapy is really good....so if you dont want to talk you dont have to you can just listen if i have to undergo any kind of therapy i am always given the option of group so i dont feel focused on.....pin pointed or boxed in and judged....once i feel comfortable in a group like i am blended, and people have opened up a bit, i start to open up my story...little bit at a time..this is how i have to handle one on one they open up then i do ...if i feel barraged.....with how do you feel...i say how am i supposed to feel.....and throw questions...so group is cool....it isnt your fault.....eh had made up hsi mind before you even had a clue.......there's nothing you can change or fix now.....but you can heal so can your kids and you can eventually meet someone again and have that best friend(this hurts the most i think not the making love or partner but trusting someone with your intimate secrets everything you are they know..... who isnt there any more)

 

i am now 45 next year....i havent really dated.... twice too early 6 months after the break that was a horrendous break..... and it was a catastrophe for all my kids werent ready and neither was i to move on with another man....in the process i hurt guys...but i am now ready to try again......i am not perfectly healed...but i do know what happened cant be a deciding factor in my next relationship...i cant blame that guy for what my ex did or think he will do the same........my ex and i are friends and it has been a process...i dont want him back....i am ready to move on...have hope....huge hugs....deb

[Gunny376]

You're at a decision point in your life ~ a crossroads if you were. The choice is really quite simple actually. You can let this consume and define you or you can grow from it and learn from it. Like the Phoenix arising from the ashes of the very fire that consume it to begin with?

 

Regardless of this that or that other ~ you can spend a lifetime just dealing with all of this, the "ifs and the buts? Anaylsie it to the point of paralysis. Be cosumed by the grief of it all. And it will consume you if you let you ~ it will define you ~ your life ~ your very being IF you allow it to.

 

Better to be slapped with the Truth than kissed with a lie!

 

The simple fact of the matter is that you've invested a lot of time, effort, energy and even money ~ all the more missed opportunities and scraficed for the sake of this relationship ~ this marriage. And now he simply opts to walk-away.

 

His lost ~ not yours. Precious jewels such as yourself are few and far between and not worthy to be thrown before un-apprecicative swine who know not their value.

 

This is the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life. For every door that closes ~ another one opens.

 

Some of God's greatest blessings in this life are un-answered prayers. Don't abandon hope that you cannot and will not find another. One who values you for who and what you are. Who values you for what you've got betwen your ears and in your heart rather than just what you've got between your legs.

 

Someone such as you'vr desribed in your post is vain, and trapped in a world which you've long ago escaped and evolved from. You have and posses the right qualities and characteristics that are the makings of not only a GREAT wife ~ but a soul mate, a Life partner.

 

You put others before yourself ~ and believe that being a part of "something" that is greater than yourself is more meaningful and purporseful than the sum total of yourself! That is something that is rare and preciious and that is to be honorned and valued. You believe in the greater part of the sum, than the sum of yourself.

 

You are part of the solution and not the problem ~ part of the answers and not the questions.

 

Forget this clown ~ he's not worthy of your affection ~ your devotion, ~ your committment.

 

Oh for sure he'll find him some "trophy" to hang on his arm, and she'll be just as shallow, just as materialistic, just as narcisstice, just as selfish, self-centered, just as self focused as he is. Let him have her, or two or three of them ~ or even more. They will burn up and consume themselves in their flames of self admiriation and indulgence.

 

He'll play his silly little mind games on you if you let him. He's a "B-A-I-T-E-R (Although not a hugh fan ~ he does make a lot of really good points in his latest book ~ "The Game" about such people as your husband. Ref: Dr. Phil McGraw's book "The Game" highly recommended in your case)

 

People like yourself will use you, abuse you, manipulate you, dominate you, tell you your crazy, have no common sense, "gas-light" you, etc to no end. They incapable of feeling, of compassion, of epathy for others.

 

Look up the sympthoms of "Narcisstic Personality Disorder" turn on the light and step into it!

 

Research they sympthoms of of other personality disorders ~ and I belive you will begin to see the "Light" and how you've unknowningly have been played!

[AZtragedy]

Wow some really great advice and insight from so many people...

 

I can totally relate to all of this, as my wife of 6 years (and 16 total friends/dating) left me 4 weeks ago.

 

It is a dark, dark place at the bottom of this pit. I am trying to tell myself there is nowhere else to go but up from here.

 

The advice about one day at a time, is so true.....I am finding that sometimes it is one hour at a time. It has not been any easier, but I am still going, somehow.

 

I just want to say that I completely sympathize and understand what you are going through, believe me. You are not alone, nor am I.