Looking for 'The One' in a Hookup Culture

[TheBathWater]

This is my first post here. I joined this forum to tackle a very specific problem: how to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship in an era where the hookup is king, and romance is degraded.

 

Some basic background information on me...

 

I am a man who is about to turn 30 years old. I am well-educated (graduate degree) and early in my career, musically talented, healthy, charming, and have good communication skills. I'm a little short for a guy (5'6”), but this hasn't seemed to hold me back in the past. I'm otherwise attractive in face and fashion, and have an athletic/fit body. I had two long-term relationships when Iwas younger, but for most of my twenties I only did short-term dating and hookups (because I was broke/busy/in school). Now that I'm in a better life position, I can afford the time and resources for a relationship.

 

Currently, I have no problem getting dates. Ninety-five percent of the time, they are from online dating sites. If I'm lucky enough to meet a woman who I have chemistry with, I am disappointed to learn that she is dating, or wants to date, several other men. This makes it incredibly hard for me to feel comfortable getting closer to someone, knowing that they are meeting up with, and possibly shagging, Todd McGee tomorrow night while I continue to invest my feelings (and money) in the courtship process. It used to be that we date to mate, but now I see that today people mate to date, and I just can't do that.

 

I have tried talking to women about this, saying that I would feel more comfortable if we just saw each other, and then see other people if it doesn't work out, but Iam yet to meet a woman I like who doesn't want to play the field. I have sometimes wondered if the problem is really me, or if it is the hookup culture we live in, and that I'm just going up against it more now that I want a relationship.

 

What do you folks suggest to a guy like me who really wants to find 'the one' amidst an era of uncommitted courtship processes and hookups? I think I am a pretty decent guy and have a lot to offer, but the more I come into this situation lately, the more jaded, negative, etc... I feel. And I really don't like that part, or think it will help me in any way.

Edited October 27, 2013 by TunaInTheBrine

[damien201]

If you figure out a way, I'm sure many people would love to hear it.

 

I don't think it's a recent development, but I think the general problem here is that people are selfish and short sighted.

 

I've noticed that most people who sleep around casually tend to say that's "just part of dating" and that emotionless sex is fine. These people also seem to be the ones who most often end up in complicated, ambiguous relationships.

 

People love sex a lot, and like with most things people love they're willing to disregard morality, practicality, and reason to get it. They won't care if the relationship is toxic. A lot of the time they won't even care if they don't like the person.

 

Now that sex is so much easier to talk about openly you are finding out how people actually feel about it and deal with it.

[f1asr88]

This is my first post here. I joined this forum to tackle a very specific problem: how to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship in an era where the hookup is king, and romance is degraded.

 

 

Currently, I have no problem getting dates. Ninety-five percent of the time, they are from online dating sites. If I'm lucky enough to meet a woman who I have chemistry with, I am disappointed to learn that she is dating, or wants to date, several other men. This makes it incredibly hard for me to feel comfortable getting closer to someone, knowing that they are meeting up with, and possibly shagging, Todd McGee tomorrow night while I continue to invest my feelings (and money) in the courtship process. It used to be that we date to mate, but now I see that today people mate to date, and I just can't do that.

 

I have tried talking to women about this, saying that I would feel more comfortable if we just saw each other, and then see other people if it doesn't work out, but Iam yet to meet a woman I like who doesn't want to play the field. I have sometimes wondered if the problem is really me, or if it is the hookup culture we live in, and that I'm just going up against it more now that I want a relationship.

 

What do you folks suggest to a guy like me who really wants to find 'the one' amidst an era of uncommitted courtship processes and hookups? I think I am a pretty decent guy and have a lot to offer, but the more I come into this situation lately, the more jaded, negative, etc... I feel. And I really don't like that part, or think it will help me in any way.

 

Welcome!

 

I feel pretty much the same way too, I feel like I was born a good fifty years too late, and in the wrong country!

I'm quite traditional in my attitude to relationships, I would only ever be interested in dating one person at a time, getting to really care about/ love someone before having sex with them etc.

I'm 25 and had my only, three year long relationship, go up in smoke back in June. I would love to meet someone in the future, get to know them, and for it to be romantic when we first make love. Reading this you'd probably think I were a girl, but I'm a guy, straight as an arrow...

 

It would permanently put me off a girl if she told me she were dating/sleeping with other guys after we had begun dating.

What a nice story that would be to tell your kids in future.. Well kids, we met at X, and had some great first dates together, she was shagging other guys at the time though, but eventually settled on me... Not very romantic is it...?

 

From my point of view, you can't be any closer/intimate than being inside someone, so how could you do that with someone who is virtually a stranger?

I've never understood how people can have casual sex, and I think my chances of finding a girl who feels similarly are pretty slim.

The cart is before the horse now, sex seems to be the first box to be ticked when assessing relationship potential. Like the possibility of a loving couple learning about what each other likes between the sheets is completely impossible...

 

Perhaps you could try some Christian dating sites, where the women sleeping around/multidating may be less prevalent?

 

Good luck to you on your quest, I wish you the best!

[Disillusioned]

You could try meetup groups, but in the bigger picture, hookups are considered "cool", so anyone trying to go against the grain (including me) isn't cool.

 

Hookup culture can be thought of as a form of rebelling... but to rebel against rebelling is considered to be about as uncool as it gets.

[pteromom]

If I'm lucky enough to meet a woman who I have chemistry with, I am disappointed to learn that she is dating, or wants to date, several other men. This makes it incredibly hard for me to feel comfortable getting closer to someone, knowing that they are meeting up with, and possibly shagging, Todd McGee tomorrow night while I continue to invest my feelings (and money) in the courtship process. It used to be that we date to mate, but now I see that today people mate to date, and I just can't do that.

 

EVERYONE doesn't hook up, and a woman dating several men isn't necessarily shagging any of them. She just doesn't want to commit to only dating one guy she doesn't know. I don't think there's anything weird about that.

 

I'd say - go ahead and date a woman, even if she may be dating other guys. Don't invest your feelings until you and she are ready to get exclusive. As far as your money, well, you may need to invest a little of that, but you don't have to go nuts.

 

I have tried talking to women about this, saying that I would feel more comfortable if we just saw each other, and then see other people if it doesn't work out, but Iam yet to meet a woman I like who doesn't want to play the field.

 

It would be rare for a woman to agree to exclusivity before she even knows you.

 

What do you folks suggest to a guy like me who really wants to find 'the one' amidst an era of uncommitted courtship processes and hookups? I think I am a pretty decent guy and have a lot to offer, but the more I come into this situation lately, the more jaded, negative, etc... I feel. And I really don't like that part, or think it will help me in any way.

 

You have to live in reality. It does you no good to wish things were different, and it does no good to become bitter over it.

 

Since 95% of your dates are from online sites, you could just put it in your profile. Just say upfront you are looking for someone who will agree to exclusivity while you get to know each other. You'll limit your dating pool, but the women who respond will be the ones who are open to that.

[TheBathWater]

EVERYONE doesn't hook up, and a woman dating several men isn't necessarily shagging any of them. She just doesn't want to commit to only dating one guy she doesn't know. I don't think there's anything weird about that.

True. Everyone doesn't hook up, and I'm not passing moral judgment here on folks who truly feel that multi-dating, or even multi-shagging, works for them. But I'm speaking personally here when I say that I can't do it. I think it's my emotional makeup or something, that I am simply not able to allow myself to let any emotions develop for a woman if I think she's out with other guys. Mind you, I used to be quite the player until my mid-late twenties. Who would have thought?

 

Many people today prescribe to the philosophy that dating multiple people is beneficial to finding an LTR. While people often cite the benefits, I worry that we often overlook the other side of the coin to that process...

 

If the goal were to ultimately find one person to be with, how can you know what it feels like to be with just that one person when you're seeing them in a context where other people are involved? At least for me personally, it complicates things, but I know others who seem to have done it and benefited from it.

 

So yes, someone can say multi-dating is good strategy, that it allows you to "not put all your eggs in one basket". But the implication in saying something like that is that the multi-dater fears getting hurt if they choose to invest in just this one person, and it doesn't work out. To apply multi-dating as the antidote then to that fear then seems somewhat counterproductive, as it would further distance the love-seeker from intimacy. But since multi-dating is a socially sanctioned strategy now, it may couple nicely with ones underlying fears while providing the illusion (and social approval) of dating fashionably (and also the squashing of emotional vulnerability with casual hookups, like an emotionally dysregulated person numbs with alcohol and drugs). In the end, everyone winds up running to stand still. I can't tell you how many men and women I know who are aging now, older than I am, and got so used to dating this way that they're lost as to how to enter into, let alone maintain, a relationship. It can be tough.

 

You have to live in reality. It does you no good to wish things were different, and it does no good to become bitter over it.

Agreed. And again, though I know I'm going against the grain of 'reality' in my approach to finding love, I know that for me personally, I simply cannot mold myself into the current dating trends described in this thread. There may not be an immediate solution, but I don't think "join them if you can't beat them" is the right strategy here, at least not for me.

 

I know I'm giving you a little poop here, pteromom, but let me make it clear that I am not suggesting my way is the right way. Not at all. I did want to point out some of the flaws though in the argument I often hear from multi-daters (not saying that you argued all of the points I addressed here, but I thought they would be helpful to process anyway for other fellow monogamist daters).

 

It may not be 'the way' to date today, but it is still my way, and I choose it willingly knowing that it will be a struggle. I can only hope my presence on this forum makes that struggle toward finding love more tolerable for me during the process.

Edited October 28, 2013 by TunaInTheBrine

[That Guy In Vegas]

Lol a friend of mines started traveling over seas & eventually found his soul mate in Australia.. From what i've seen they're happy & love the fact they're from different countries & cultures. He said it's a different appreciation level & he loves the traveling back & forth together. It definitely gave me thoughts to book a flight lol...

 

Good luck in the search & like the other poster said, let us know! lol

[That Guy In Vegas]

I suggest you move to another country with a different culture. No, I'm not joking. If you stay in this country and marry a girl (who will most likely be way below your league....since women here have ridiculous entitlement complexes and think they deserve their very own Christian Gray), she will most likely divorce and/or cheat on you.

 

So either move or become part of the hookup culture and stop caring. Those are your options.

 

And, no, I'm not a keyboard jockey. I'm a guy that has A LOT of experience with women.

 

Yep & i second this. lol No really i do, makes sense to me

[Assasda]

Now I dont know you personally, but from what I read, I believe that you put women on a pedestal, when you havent invested enough time in them.

 

You cannot put women on a pedestal, at all. You cannot allow yourself to get jealous over a girl that youre not even in a relationship with.

The thing is, I just think you want to show girls how great you are, and how you want to be with them, and only them, and it turns chicks off rightly, because its weird.

if you dont want to have sex with the girl before you know them. Tell them, I'm sure they will oblige you, but treat them like a human, you dont possess them and you cant control them.

 

You should really take responsibility for your dating life, and not just blame some "hookup culture" or "women" or whatever, that is very weak.

Hope you get it together man, and build up enough confidence to get what you want

[TheBathWater]

C'mon guys...I know it's bad out there, but it's not so utterly hopeless. I know, because I have met these women before. They are rare, but they are here. I was just too distracted by my ways at the time to appreciate them.

 

But yeah, I have fantasized about starting my own online business one day, and getting the heck out of here. Doubt it will happen, because my career that I am in now (which I LOVE) sort of keeps me confined to this region.

 

I intend to continue searching, but yeah, it's rough waters around these parts, eh?

[Leigh 87]

There are many women like me who want to hold out for the real deal, a proper relationship with the right person, opposed to hooking up casually.

 

I don't date often; I either come across a guy who I fall hard for and I am too crazy about to multi date with others, OR I have a trusted friend who gives me benefits.

It takes YEARS to find a person who is truly special, who you have instant chemistry with and who you're crazy about AND who also feels THE SAME way about you.

I sure aint going to date around with people I am not that into in order to get some action. Yet, I do not go out and pick guys up, either. The idea of sleeping with multiple people in a quick succession grosses me out.

 

I DO have a fwb OCCASIONALLY, because I just see no use dating and being intimate with a guy unless we are both nuts about each other and see a possible future together. It is SO hard to find a guy who is crazy about me and who I feel the same way about, that occasional FWB is my only choice as to HOW I can get pleasured.

I guess that constitutes something you may ascribe to the casual hook up culture, FWB?

 

You can bet I would drop everything if I met the right guy though. I have no problem with committing to a guy I am crazy about.

 

I met a guy who met my best girl friend at a gay club. Yeah. He had gotten out of a 5 year relationship where he had proposed. He had been sleeping around, being a bit of a player.

Then he met my friend Stephanie one night; she is tall, thin and beautiful yet down to earth.

Even though he was well into the hook up culture, he immediately fell for her, and had only her on his mind. He changed immediately because she made him feel strongly enough about her.

 

In a way, it is a good thing people DO engage in the hook up culture, since it is better to be straight with people and tell them " look, you're not it for me, but I am horny and you seem like a really nice girl who I enjoy talking to, and I am also very attracted to you"

Instead, people multi date around with people they are not all that into, then settling for the person who they like most, getting sex off them, before one day realising they are not passionately, head over heals in love.

 

 

 

 

In summary: the hook up culture is great, and far better than falsely "dating" a person you're not totally crazy about just so you can get some action; better to just have a causal encounter from the start.

 

Also, the hook up culture has NO bearing as to how hard it is to find "the one", since even players I know dropped everything when they met a girl they truly cherished.

 

I have casual FWB type sex very occasionally, but I would drop everything for the right guy. I have and will again.

Edited October 30, 2013 by Leigh 87

[f1asr88]

 

I DO have a fwb OCCASIONALLY, because I just see no use dating and being intimate with a guy unless we are both nuts about each other and see a possible future together. It is SO hard to find a guy who is crazy about me and who I feel the same way about, that occasional FWB is my only choice as to HOW I can get pleasured.

 

You can bet I would drop everything if I met the right guy though. I have no problem with committing to a guy I am crazy about.

 

 

Do you not consider sex to be intimate?

 

And you say a FWB is the only way you could get pleasured, what about masturbation?

 

I'm sure you're a great girl, but to be honest, knowing a girl had a current/recent FWB when dating her would make me pull the plug. I'm just trying to understand the reasoning behind it.

 

Say you meet a guy you like called Tom, what would you do with regards to the FWB?

 

Would you cut all contact with the FWB? (If so how good a 'friend' could they have been anyway?)

Demote him to a strictly platonic friend? Tell Tom that you used to be the slampiece of the friend you just introduced him to? Or not say anything at all?

 

If I had to meet, interact with a guy who I'd known had been sleeping with you, it'd get to me (possibly too much), and if I found out later that your 'friend' you still see was someone you'd given no strings sex to because you were randy, I'd probably finish with you...

 

Not a reflection on you personally, but I just couldn't be with someone who could have casual sex, and for whom sex and intimacy don't go hand in hand. A fundamental difference in relationship values I suppose...

Edited October 30, 2013 by f1asr88

[spiderowl]

It's partly the culture but I think that women also don't want to be tied down to someone they've only just got chatting to. I think women do feel more able to have sex with someone they might not have long-term feelings for, so in a way are doing what guys have always done. Having sex with a guy does not necessarily mean you want a long-term relationship with him. If you want a long-term relationship, get to know the girl as a friend for longer, let attraction and bonding develop, before getting involved physically.

 

It takes time to get to know a person and therefore form a proper relationship. If you are laying down rules from the start, then it can feel a bit too much too soon for a woman, rather controlling. I can totally understand that you don't want to sleep with someone without feeling they are being exclusive with you, but having someone stressing that from the beginning can seem heavy and even possessive. If you don't want to share their body, then don't sleep with them until you both know you want exclusivity. Until then, keep it casual and warm and friendly and let the bond develop naturally.

 

It's rare to get attached to a guy from the start of getting to know him, but affection and attraction grows and the relationship develops. Too many guys seek sexual exclusivity from the start and most women have got wise to the fact that this doesn't mean he cares, just that he wants to protect his 'territory' at that moment in time.

[f1asr88]

It's rare to get attached to a guy from the start of getting to know him, but affection and attraction grows and the relationship develops. Too many guys seek sexual exclusivity from the start and most women have got wise to the fact that this doesn't mean he cares, just that he wants to protect his 'territory' at that moment in time.

 

Guys who want sexual exclusivity are mostly the ones who want a relationship. If a guy just wanted five minutes of fun with a particular woman he wouldn't be so bothered about who else she gives it up to.

 

But what man wouldn't be displeased to learn that a woman he was treating with respect and taking the time to get to know properly was having empty sex at the same time with other guys?

I'd feel pretty silly investing anything in a cow that gave its milk away to others for free.

[almond]

Don't be fooled: ALL girls that are "looking for a relationship" have a guy on the side that they are sleeping with.

 

Silly statement is silly.

[TheBathWater]

This is exactly why you have to do the same things that women do: have short term projects (one night stands and FWB) and long term projects (relationship girls).

 

Don't be fooled: ALL girls that are "looking for a relationship" have a guy on the side that they are sleeping with.

 

No reason why you can't have your fun on the side too.

 

I struggle to see how the "if you can't beat them, join them" idea would be more conducive to monogamous-oriented men's finding an LTR. I do see plenty of reason why a man would not want to join in this sort of behavior - especially with risk of contracting an STI, wanting to stay true to himself, not willing to walk into disappointment, desiring a partner who is similar to he in values, and not wanting compete with other men when he is seeking an LTR (research supports this last idea especially - look it up).

 

Contrary to popular belief, women who are playing hard to get or hooking up are not attractive to most men who are pursuing them for an LTR. It is counterproductive behavior on a woman's part, even though she may believe it is attractive. Even if I'm not told explicitly what she is doing with other men, I can smell it, and lose interest quickly.

 

You have got to wonder how this dynamic is going to play out when the millenials age and lose their sex appeal.

Edited October 31, 2013 by TunaInTheBrine

[hppr]

This is my first post here. I joined this forum to tackle a very specific problem: how to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship in an era where the hookup is king, and romance is degraded.

 

Some basic background information on me...

 

I am a man who is about to turn 30 years old. I am well-educated (graduate degree) and early in my career, musically talented, healthy, charming, and have good communication skills. I'm a little short for a guy (5'6”), but this hasn't seemed to hold me back in the past. I'm otherwise attractive in face and fashion, and have an athletic/fit body. I had two long-term relationships when Iwas younger, but for most of my twenties I only did short-term dating and hookups (because I was broke/busy/in school). Now that I'm in a better life position, I can afford the time and resources for a relationship.

 

Currently, I have no problem getting dates. Ninety-five percent of the time, they are from online dating sites. If I'm lucky enough to meet a woman who I have chemistry with, I am disappointed to learn that she is dating, or wants to date, several other men. This makes it incredibly hard for me to feel comfortable getting closer to someone, knowing that they are meeting up with, and possibly shagging, Todd McGee tomorrow night while I continue to invest my feelings (and money) in the courtship process. It used to be that we date to mate, but now I see that today people mate to date, and I just can't do that.

 

I have tried talking to women about this, saying that I would feel more comfortable if we just saw each other, and then see other people if it doesn't work out, but Iam yet to meet a woman I like who doesn't want to play the field. I have sometimes wondered if the problem is really me, or if it is the hookup culture we live in, and that I'm just going up against it more now that I want a relationship.

 

What do you folks suggest to a guy like me who really wants to find 'the one' amidst an era of uncommitted courtship processes and hookups? I think I am a pretty decent guy and have a lot to offer, but the more I come into this situation lately, the more jaded, negative, etc... I feel. And I really don't like that part, or think it will help me in any way.

 

A lot of it has to do with who you are, who are attracted to, and the fact that most of the girls who are capable of monogamy and wanted to get married did so when they were 22, 24, 25 etc. Plus with marriage most people are thinking about kids so if you are a no-kids type then you lose out on that angle as well.

 

I mean really, if you don't have problems 'getting girls' and don't want kids...what is the point of getting married? There isn't one.

[kodakgirl]

I don't know if this is helpful but I'm a 25-year-old woman who feels EXACTLY the same as you. I already have to kind of have a crush on someone to want to go on a date, then if it goes well, I want to see where THAT goes. When I first met the last guy I dated, he was going overseas for four weeks... in two days. We managed to have one more quick date before he left, agreed to be in touch and meet up when he got back (both of which happened). I didn't even consider even going on a date with someone else in that time. (And it was totally worth it, though ultimately other stuff got in the way later, alas).

 

I feel like a total anomaly too, although I have a couple close friends who are in the same "anomaly" boat. Most of the advice for women says to date around, even if you don't really want to, not to get too emotionally involved too soon. I can't do that but then I feel screwed over because today's dating culture seems to revolve around people being replaceable. Yes, there are many special people out there and many people you could have a great relationship with... but if you have one right in front of you, why wouldn't you give that your all first?

 

I don't know. It's not really advice, just letting you know there are some women out there like you! It's nice to know there's men out there like me. (Too bad you don't live in Toronto! ). I guess it's just a matter of trying until you find one of those. Try not to get too jaded-- the kind of girl you want will adore your view, when you find her.

[f1asr88]

I don't know if this is helpful but I'm a 25-year-old woman who feels EXACTLY the same as you. I already have to kind of have a crush on someone to want to go on a date, then if it goes well, I want to see where THAT goes. When I first met the last guy I dated, he was going overseas for four weeks... in two days. We managed to have one more quick date before he left, agreed to be in touch and meet up when he got back (both of which happened). I didn't even consider even going on a date with someone else in that time. (And it was totally worth it, though ultimately other stuff got in the way later, alas).

 

I feel like a total anomaly too, although I have a couple close friends who are in the same "anomaly" boat. Most of the advice for women says to date around, even if you don't really want to, not to get too emotionally involved too soon. I can't do that but then I feel screwed over because today's dating culture seems to revolve around people being replaceable. Yes, there are many special people out there and many people you could have a great relationship with... but if you have one right in front of you, why wouldn't you give that your all first?

 

I don't know. It's not really advice, just letting you know there are some women out there like you! It's nice to know there's men out there like me. (Too bad you don't live in Toronto! ). I guess it's just a matter of trying until you find one of those. Try not to get too jaded-- the kind of girl you want will adore your view, when you find her.

 

And it's nice to hear that there are women out there (and very beautiful ones! ) who feel the same.

[TheBathWater]

I don't know if this is helpful but I'm a 25-year-old woman who feels EXACTLY the same as you. I already have to kind of have a crush on someone to want to go on a date, then if it goes well, I want to see where THAT goes. When I first met the last guy I dated, he was going overseas for four weeks... in two days. We managed to have one more quick date before he left, agreed to be in touch and meet up when he got back (both of which happened). I didn't even consider even going on a date with someone else in that time. (And it was totally worth it, though ultimately other stuff got in the way later, alas).

 

I feel like a total anomaly too, although I have a couple close friends who are in the same "anomaly" boat. Most of the advice for women says to date around, even if you don't really want to, not to get too emotionally involved too soon. I can't do that but then I feel screwed over because today's dating culture seems to revolve around people being replaceable. Yes, there are many special people out there and many people you could have a great relationship with... but if you have one right in front of you, why wouldn't you give that your all first?

 

I don't know. It's not really advice, just letting you know there are some women out there like you! It's nice to know there's men out there like me. (Too bad you don't live in Toronto! ). I guess it's just a matter of trying until you find one of those. Try not to get too jaded-- the kind of girl you want will adore your view, when you find her.

 

Thank you.