I feel like a third wheel in our marriage - please help!

[boris2004]

Well i'm in a complete emotional state right now. I've been married only a couple of months but my wife's ex just seems to always be in the picture. I'll try to explain.

 

We met October 2003 and we connected straight away. It turned into a whirlwind romance, we moved in together shortly after, then December 2003 got engaged. She had told me that she had been single for a year before me, however it was right after we got engaged that the truth and pain started.

 

Towards the end of December she started calling me someone elses name in her sleep. After doing this on a couple of occasions I confronted her and asked who this person was. She told me it was her ex of 6 years, but she had dated someone since him. I kind of passed it over, but it happened again shortly after. She told me that she was sorry etc, and that there was nothing going on, just that "he had been a big part of her life" when they had dated.

 

Anyway, I carry on and it happens a couple more times before I find that he has sent her flowers to work several times. She finally admits to me that they were sleeping together right before we met, but that it didn't work out and then she met me. Right then I realize that he doesn't want to let go.

 

Since then he has emailed her many times, even though he knows she is getting married, god knows if he's tried to call, and i've again been called his name in her sleep. The big hurt came in July this year, I turned on her computer monitor to find her email still up and several emails back and forth between them. She had even gone so far as to open a new email address with the name memories and the years they were together. I read a few of the emails and basically she was saying how it was hard for her to let him go, in a different life hoped that they could have worked out...etc. Basically hurtfull things for a fiance to read. I confronted her about the emails asking if she had heard from him and she denied it several times. In the end I told her my evidence and she confessed. I walked out.

 

Anyway, I came back like a fool, but she has again called me his name. Now I basically feel like she wished it had worked out with him, but because it didn't she's with me. I know he won't give up on her, even though we are now married, and i guess basically i just feel like crap and don't really trust her. I don't belive that she's telling me everything and don't think she would if he is or got in touch with her.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Maybe I should have postponed the wedding but I was forced not to by my parents. I don't know what to do or how to feel better because he always seems to be around someone - her mom called me his name yesterday and quickly corrected herself.

 

I know i'm jealous, but I wasn't until I was hurt. Now i'm just so down.

[Pocky]

I think you should sit down and have a serious talk with your girlfriend. I think that in this instance the jealous boyfriend is not the approach to take, because she may not be honest with her emotions for fear of disappointment or anger. However, you need to have a heart to heart with her and explain that marriage is a lifetime commitment and you're concerned that her heart still belongs to someone else. Explain that you want her to be happy and that regardless of how much you love her you honestly don't feel like her happiness lies in this relationship.

 

I know this realization may be painful for you, but it's better that you get the truth out in the open before you marry her. If you approach it in a caring and sensitive way you are more likely to get the answers you seek. Approaching her in an overbearing or aggressive manner may only cause her to shy away from the truth, give you the answers you want to hear and deny any feeling she apparently still has for her ex. In the long run it will be better for you to walk away from the relationship based on truth rather than anger or frustration.

[jmargel]

It's time for the ultimatium. She is not respecting you or her vows by continuing to have contact with him like this. Your feelings need to be number one. I am kinda in the same boat as you. Her ex won't leave her alone, even though we are married. She continues to 'talk' to him because she told me she's been with him for eight years and cares about him as a person. I gave her the ultimatium, and will walk away if she doesn't put an end to it.

 

If you keep letting her 'push' the boundaries of what you will accept, then you will have no respect for yourself, the marriage, and she will value the marriage less as well. Using you as a safetly net is wrong. Those two broke up for a reason and for some odd reason alot of women will romanticize the past with the ex. They forget on why they broke up and all the things that made them miserable. Now is a time to start great memories with you, not trying to relive the past.

 

I sent you a PM but you don't have them enabled. You leaving and coming back, yet she is still doing this is her way of saying 'I can have both of you'. The last thing you need in a marriage is head games. All that does is destroy the trust in the relationship. Take a very hard stern stance on this. Don't be a competitor in your own marriage. One other thing. She has been lying to you for a very long time. This won't just stop overnight, you two need marriage counseling.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by jmargel

It's time for the ultimatium. She is not respecting you or her vows by continuing to have contact with him like this. Your feelings need to be number one. I am kinda in the same boat as you....

 

If you keep letting her 'push' the boundaries of what you will accept, then you will have no respect for yourself, the marriage, and she will value the marriage less as well. Using you as a safetly net is wrong....

 

jmargel....

 

Although my situ is different, casue there is no OM...but my wife is in selffish mode and is having a hard time with it......so in a sence, this is the same boat I am in. My wife is pushing the marital bounderies....and I finaly called her on it this weekend. It scared her....the ball is in her court and she now feels the weight of possibly loosing everything we have simply becasue she is selfish for her own wants and needs. She has took me for granted by knowing I would never leave her....but that has changed...I have finaly told her that SHE needs to be 100% commited or I will be the one to have to make a tuff decision. And that finaly has her thinking about what is right and what is truth.

[Owl]

Look up the term "emotional affair" on google, and see what you learn there. If she's being intimate with her feelings with someone else, and NOT telling you what is going on, then its an affair. Its the deception and hiding that really define the affair more than almost anything else.

 

Yes, she needs to break it off if she's the least bit serious about keeping you in her life. Its not fair for you to have to fight off her memories of what was and fantasies of what might have been.

 

How you approach her with it is your call...you know her and we don't. But it does need to end, or you're marriage is doomed. She'll never be intimate with you, she'll always be intimate with him. I don't mean sex, I mean feelings, love, etc...