A step towards moving on, but...

[psm04]

So xAP and I have been in LC at work. Saying hi, talking about work stuff, etc. It has been working out for me. However, at the end of last week, he started getting overly chatty and attentive and caring, which of course was worrying me because this was a familiar pattern. He must think that I'm stupid, because he always gets this way right before he wants something from me, and he thinks that I'm naive enough to fall for it. Anyway, my prediction was right. On Friday, I see an email from him on my personal account, and it is basically asking me if I'd be willing to meet to talk for a few minutes. I started freaking out for a bit, and then IM'd him and asked if there was anything specific he wanted to talk about. He said that he wanted to talk about how he felt. So I said that if we were both going to stay in our current situations with our spouses, we shouldn't be discussing anything about us. This was a HUGE thing for me. I was pissed off that he still wanted to live his comfy lifestyle, and tell me how he feels at the same time. Disrespectable towards me and his wife. Yes, while I was in the affair, I was also living in two worlds and wanting it all, but I couldn't keep doing it. I wanted to live an honest life, and that's what I'm doing now. And he doesn't want to either respect or accept that. Or maybe he is insecure that I'm moving on to another AP.

 

Now that I'm almost fully out of the fog, his declarations anger me more than make me feel good. It's the fact that he can say all that, but have zero obligation to act on them. If I had fallen into it again, a week later, when he'd be celebrating Halloween with his little family, I'd be the one feeling stupid, hurt and cheap.

 

He also kept saying that he didn't want anything (just wanted to say how he felt), and that he knows that nothing will come out of it. That also pissed me off. People have choices. He keeps hiding behind that statement. I'm not going to use that as an excuse. And, if nothing can be done about it, then don't f'n talk to me about feelings !!

 

Here is my question now - will he continue to try, or do you think with me refusing to meet him or entertain any conversation regarding us, that he will back off? Also, I'm afraid of saying or doing something that I'm going to regret, although I was able to stay strong last week. I already have been feeling a little guilty about being 'harsh' to him. I also feel like he is going to think that I used him or something. I never did that. Once it was clear to me that he wanted me in his parallel universe only, and the emotions were too much to control, I wanted to clean up my act and move towards working on my marriage. I believe that just because we were in the affair for over two years, we don't have to continue it. I think that he thinks that we put in too much time to end it. He even sort of told me something similar. I would appreciate any advice that will help me stay strong!!

[yellowmaverick]

I think that he is going to continue to "fish". If you truly want to end it with him, then end it. No LC. You need to be "firm", so don't worry about sounding harsh.

 

He sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. Don't let him.

[RickFox]

of course he will keep trying.... over and over again... do not worry or feel bad for being harsh.... it is what it is. xmw did the same to me. Told me how much she missed our talks, said we needed to get together to talk, then decided to go cold.... so I blocked her phone number and her fb.... felt bad for a few then figured who gives a crap.... I can't care if she finds another AP, who knows If she will but it is what it is now. just go to work, do your job, and keep it business related with him. if he asks to meet, ignore it, don't respond at all

[psm04]

Thank you. Yeah, I'm just not even going to refer to Friday's conversation next time we talk. Going to keep moving on with what I've been doing. I'm hoping though that he doesn't try to bring up things like that anymore.

[whichwayisup]

I think that he is going to continue to "fish". If you truly want to end it with him, then end it. No LC. You need to be "firm", so don't worry about sounding harsh.

 

He sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. Don't let him.

 

Totally agree! He is going to reach out once in a while and see if he can get your attention, see if you'll cave and talk to him. You handled it so well!! Shot him down, and showed him you're not falling for his crap anymore.

 

If you can, keep on distancing yourself, if you need to have any conversation, always keep it professional and non personal. If he asks how you are, your answer: Gotta go, busy. And walk away... No more personal chats or anything. Only way to get over him is complete NC as much as possible. NO friendship, no casual conversation, cut him out of your head too and focus ALL that energy into your husband and marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. Yeah, I'm just not even going to refer to Friday's conversation next time we talk. Going to keep moving on with what I've been doing. I'm hoping though that he doesn't try to bring up things like that anymore.

 

AS soon as he opens his mouth, cut him off by just walking away. If he texts you, IGNORE it. That silence and ignoring him sends a much stronger message than words. Eventually he'll realize he cannot control you anymore or get you to cave.

[Scott Thomas]

My dear lady,

 

Pardon me if you find this a bit direct but,

He wants to get laid.

The question is, do you? Do you love the AP?

 

That's all that matters.

The last time I checked, you wanted to work on your marriage. How's that faring?

[Wambo]

 

Here is my question now - will he continue to try, or do you think with me refusing to meet him or entertain any conversation regarding us, that he will back off? Also, I'm afraid of saying or doing something that I'm going to regret, although I was able to stay strong last week. I already have been feeling a little guilty about being 'harsh' to him. I also feel like he is going to think that I used him or something. I never did that. Once it was clear to me that he wanted me in his parallel universe only, and the emotions were too much to control, I wanted to clean up my act and move towards working on my marriage. I believe that just because we were in the affair for over two years, we don't have to continue it. I think that he thinks that we put in too much time to end it. He even sort of told me something similar. I would appreciate any advice that will help me stay strong!!

 

 

It's my guess but your former affair partner just took an emotional whollop and will not try something like that again for sometime. There is always a strong possibility he will try it again but I doubt he will anytime soon.

 

In my situation my former friend put a great deal of effort getting me to talk to her. In the end we had a nice conversation like we did when we were friends. However because I'm still committed to NC and she had no other way of contacting me other than bumping into me at work, there was no way to continue the affair. I guess all the effort she put into creating the spark was too much emotional strain. She backed off and she placed herself into NC and so far we are five weeks in.

[psm04]

My dear lady,

 

Pardon me if you find this a bit direct but,

He wants to get laid.

The question is, do you? Do you love the AP?

 

That's all that matters.

The last time I checked, you wanted to work on your marriage. How's that faring?

 

Direct is good. I appreciate it.

 

I know that I loved him. I think I still do, but I try to not dwell on it. The feelings are buried, as part of moving on towards closure.

 

I'm still working on my M. Things aren't so bad, and when they are, I'm able to deal with them in a productive manner. I might love my xAP in some ways still, but he is not worth losing my husband.

[psm04]

It's my guess but your former affair partner just took an emotional whollop and will not try something like that again for sometime. There is always a strong possibility he will try it again but I doubt he will anytime soon.

 

In my situation my former friend put a great deal of effort getting me to talk to her. In the end we had a nice conversation like we did when we were friends. However because I'm still committed to NC and she had no other way of contacting me other than bumping into me at work, there was no way to continue the affair. I guess all the effort she put into creating the spark was too much emotional strain. She backed off and she placed herself into NC and so far we are five weeks in.

 

Congratulations on five weeks of NC! I agree with you that my xAP won't be trying anything anytime soon. Or maybe ever. He has never been an aggressive person, and I know this last time took some effort, so I really doubt that he keeps trying to do whatever it is that he is doing.

[Scott Thomas]

Not worth losing your husband?

 

Are you referring to the lifestyle your husband provides or that you love your husband more?

 

 

Am I correct in assuming that you two never had sex and this was an EA?

[psm04]

Not worth losing your husband?

 

Are you referring to the lifestyle your husband provides or that you love your husband more?

 

 

Am I correct in assuming that you two never had sex and this was an EA?

 

Through my experience in the affair, I learned that I love my husband more than I thought I did. With my xAP, there was love, but mostly the 'in love' feeling. I have to be honest when I say that I don't feel the amount of sexual attraction towards my H that I had towards the xAP. However, we have almost 10 years of life experiences together, and my H has a lot of redeeming qualities that my xAP doesn't have. No, it isn't the life that he is able to provide, it is the life WITH him, our families and friends and our little pets.

 

I don't want to negate what happened between me and xAP though. I did love him, and it is an experience that I'll never forget. If myself and xAP were both single, we would be together. This whole thing is because it was in the context of an A, and if we were not leaving our marriages, then I couldn't deal with two lives. And I wanted to give my best to my M.

 

There are days when I feel like me and my H won't last, but I am giving it my best shot, and being out of my A enables me to do that.

 

It was a very intse EA/PA (without intercourse)

[Scott Thomas]

I'll be honest with you. An affair isn't the best way to rediscover your love for your husband. You won't feel the same level of sexual attraction towards your husband-that's natural after 10 years. However, the day you see him with another woman, you'll change your opinion in a second and run after him.

 

Unless you act on strengthening your marriage, it WILL fail. The reason: you've always got another choice (OM). Chances are that you'll end up sabotaging your marriage, build up resentment for your husband for various reasons and then ultimately divorce him. The sad part is that the bloke really has no idea what a big wreck his marriage really is but you'll end up blaming him. That is what most WW do.

 

Forget the fact that you've cheated emotionally. Forget the fact that your husband deserves a woman who will love, cherish and honour him (which you have obviously failed by engaging in your affair). Forget the fact that you're lying and deceiving your husband everyday, and will continue to drag him along till you two divorce, wasting years of your/his precious life. The real question is, what are you doing to work on your marriage?

 

Unless you maintain strict NC, the affair will restart. Plan dates with your husband, vacation together, get a hobby you two enjoy, explore the world. Stop sulking about the OM and concentrate on your marriage. You loved your husband once, you can find that love again.

 

Btw I presume your husband has no idea you feel this way, are unhappy with the current state of your marriage and sought solace in the arms of another man?

[psm04]

you've always got another choice (OM). Chances are that you'll end up sabotaging your marriage, build up resentment for your husband for various reasons and then ultimately divorce him. The sad part is that the bloke really has no idea what a big wreck his marriage really is but you'll end up blaming him. That is what most WW do.

I am not keeping another choice. There is no other choice except my H. My H had nothing to do with the A. It was my own doing. I have no resentment for him in any way. He is a great person with some quirks that I don't like, but hell, who is perfect? We have issues for sure, and we are working through them. And, he knows about our marital issues because we discuss them, and we go to therapy. I tell him when I am upset about something.

 

Forget the fact that you've cheated emotionally. Forget the fact that your husband deserves a woman who will love, cherish and honour him (which you have obviously failed by engaging in your affair). Forget the fact that you're lying and deceiving your husband everyday, and will continue to drag him along till you two divorce, wasting years of your/his precious life. The real question is, what are you doing to work on your marriage?

I'm not sure if you are a betrayed spouse, and I'm truly sorry if you were. But, in my situation, I'm not dragging him along. I'm not lying and deceiving him anymore. My A ended almost three months ago (everything, not just physical) I don't want to divorce him, and he doesn't want a divorce at all (his words). I want us to work on our issues, and we have improved our marriage. I picture my H as the father of our kids. We are continuously working on it, and me ending the A with xAP was one of the ways. My thread wasn't about restarting the A.

 

Unless you maintain strict NC, the affair will restart. Plan dates with your husband, vacation together, get a hobby you two enjoy, explore the world. Stop sulking about the OM and concentrate on your marriage. You loved your husband once, you can find that love again.

We take vacations, do everything together, hang out with friends, have movie dates etc.

 

Btw I presume your husband has no idea you feel this way, are unhappy with the current state of your marriage and sought solace in the arms of another man?

I confided in him about my inappropriate relationship with xOMM. I didn't tell him about the PA, but he knows that there was an EA. I didn't give him any details. He said that he has forgiven me. I'm not unhappy in the current state of my marriage. That's why it has been easier for me to NOT get back into the A. And, I'm now living an honest life instead of living in two parallel worlds.

[Scott Thomas]

Glad to see that you're working on your marriage.

Since I've been on both sides of the fence, I've had the unique experience of getting stung and then stinging back in retaliation-not a very education life experience I must say, could've done without it.

 

In the end, your marriage, despite all the troubles it may bring, is worth more than your relationship with the OM, unless of course you two separate first because of other reasons.

Good Luck!

 

 

PS. I'll play the devil's advocate here; do you think there is any chance your husband might find out about the kissing, groping etc?

[psm04]

The exMM is, as stated in the majority of post here, manipulating you in readiness to resume the affair if you are a willing subject.

 

His only interest is self gratification. This man does not respect you, his wife, nor anyone else under the umbrella of 'woman' at the moment, and it is quite likely that if you do not respond favourably to his surreptitious advances, he will divert his attention to seducing his next conquest.

 

Do not entertain this man's attention if you believe in your own integrity. He will insult it and remove all traces of what is left of your dignity.

 

Thanks. I am definitely not a willing subject anymore. I've noticed the difference in myself. I have the drive and will to not do it anymore. I'm PISSED that even though we were both consensual APs, once it got to be too much and I wanted out because we were not going to be together (I just couldn't be in the same position a year from now), he still wants his two worlds. We never even had a conversation about possibly contemplating being together. I wasn't even worth a conversation about it. It's honesty, and that's great, but then he shouldn't be telling me how he still feels about me.

 

I lost my integrity and dignity for a while, but not anymore. I'm done with the games, and I'm done with being his therapy treatment since he's spineless to tell his W what he's missing from the M and what he wants from their marriage. If she's worth staying for, then he can figure out how to deal with the issues!

[psm04]

Glad to see that you're working on your marriage.

Since I've been on both sides of the fence, I've had the unique experience of getting stung and then stinging back in retaliation-not a very education life experience I must say, could've done without it.

 

In the end, your marriage, despite all the troubles it may bring, is worth more than your relationship with the OM, unless of course you two separate first because of other reasons.

Good Luck!

 

 

PS. I'll play the devil's advocate here; do you think there is any chance your husband might find out about the kissing, groping etc?

 

Thanks! Well, I guess he could figure it out. My xAp could confront him (I highly doubt that it will happen. He's so passive and grumpy to do anything about the things that bother him. Plus he would never want to risk his wife knowing something). Or, he might learn via other ways, Idk. All I can hope for is that he finds it in his heart to forgive me.