Divorce stalling. Driving me insane!

[RedHawk08]

My wife and I have been separated for 6 months now.

Classic case of GIGS, with two jealous cheerleading friends. No compromise from her at all.

 

She has claimed, only to me, that she wants a divorce for the past 5 months. But says to her mother and a mutual friend that she is confused and doesn't mention divorce at all.

 

She has made NO effort in divorce proceedings. I even printed the papers off for her with the accompanying guide.

Still hasn't a clue of how it all works. Seems to think that "my feelings have changed" is going to enough to file with.

She's pretty much expecting me to take care of it all.

 

After making no effort to save the marriage, I'm furious that she's making no effort to end it either.

[Balzac]

Whine with dinner? You file. It's not difficult. What kind of self respect do you have waiting n whining?

[K Os]

No. I understand that. It's not about a lack of self respect. This is common, I have it too, and I don't think it's the basis for ridicule or derision. It makes perfect sense that the person who says they want a divorce should follow through and file for divorce. Leaving it up to the person who never wanted it is cowardly, weak and I believe cruel. But this only makes sense rationally, and that's usually irrelevant from the WS's point of view.

 

Yes, the best way out of this dilemma is to take control of the divorce process yourself and leave it behind. But this shift takes time, and it is a deeply infuriating shift to have to make. It's not whining, it's justifiable rage. They're different animals. It's a question of how long you need to rage for before you get out of there.

[hayewils]

its been almost 8 months for me.. my stbxw left and said she would be filing for a divorce.

I told her when she left that I refused to file. Yes, it could be easy for me to go ahead and do it and end it, but she told me she was going to do it. I even told her several months ago how to go about filing herself to save a bunch of money.. Told her how to do it and it would only cost about 450 bucks.. Yet she hasn't. I just don't get it myself. Whatever it is, I am standing my ground and I am not doing it.

She chose to leave instead of working on things and I believe that the one who walks out, bears the responsibility of filing.

I don't have anything going on nor is there a rush from my end to do it. my whole focus right now is leaving town and starting my new job.. So the problems for her are only becoming a little more problematic cause when she does finally file, she wont be able to find me to have me served. lol

she will get her divorce, just gonna take an additional 20 days from having to post it on the courthouse steps...

This is also her first rodeo I am sure she really doesn't have a clue how to go about it even though I told her.. but whatever,,, im out and gone

[Woggle]

File and have her sign the papers. If she wants out have it done as fast as possible.

[Mr. Lucky]

File and have her sign the papers. If she wants out have it done as fast as possible.

Agreed. In poker parlance, she's checked her hand, time to see if she's bluffing or not. If she's not going to compromise, give her the divorce her actions say she wants and get on with your life. Right now you're allowing her to have things both ways. She's happy, you're frustrated...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RedHawk08]

My attitude is "she can do it if she wants it".

I was just wondering if it could be interpreted as a sign or not. Because I really don't want it at all.

I believe that love and marriages take some work when tough times happen.

[beach]

You can't work at a M if one half isn't investing in the M by participating to improve it.

 

If she's not giving it 150% - then file and end it for her... It appears to be ended a while back.

[K Os]

My attitude is "she can do it if she wants it".

I think this is the normal response in our position. It makes sense.

 

I was just wondering if it could be interpreted as a sign or not. Because I really don't want it at all.

This is where it gets impossible to read. Yes, it could be interpreted as a sign. It can also be interpreted as her complete confusion about what she wants. It can also be interpreted as her wanting out but not for anything to do with you. For example, my wife left saying she wants a divorce but doesn't really have grounds, so she wanted to wait for 2 years' separation and then try to do it by consent. Weird. But looking at this with detachment, it means she just doesn't want to be married to me any more. That's not grounds for divorce, but in her mind it's definitely reason enough to leave. The two are different things. I am pretty sure she's hoping that I will do it so that she can have peace of mind and put it behind her. She knows I do have grounds for divorce - she handed them to me on a plate. She even asked me if I wanted to divorce her.

 

This third interpretation is the most likely one. The problem for us is that the first interpretation is still in the mix until they take clear action and file. It's not an easy position, by any means. The only way to crack it open is to file and see what happens. In order to do that, you need to be at a point where it's ok with you if she just signs the papers.

[littlejaz]

I don't know about the divorce laws in the UK but in my state (USA) I would be worried about finances as my understanding is that you may be on the hook for any debt they get into up until the divorce is filed.

[carhill]

I'd suggest a more active role, since 'waiting' for her to act apparently is 'driving me insane'.

 

Sign up for some exit counseling and see a solicitor/lawyer to prepare divorce documents and serve them upon her. I get that you think the marriage can be saved, and that's valid, but it takes two to save a marriage; it only takes one to end it. Once you accept that you have no control over her, you're left with the one you have complete control over, and that's you. Good luck.

[beach]

Being proactive shows you have some control.

 

Filing shows you take a stand.

 

Not filing shows you being at the mercy of her - and what she is or isn't going to do = weak, timid, scared and powerless=weak=not attractive.

 

Pick your position - either respect yourself or hand her all YOUR power by doing nothing.

 

 

Usually doing nothing leaves you with the same situation - start changing things.

[MrE_UK]

I don't know about the divorce laws in the UK but in my state (USA) I would be worried about finances as my understanding is that you may be on the hook for any debt they get into up until the divorce is filed.

 

 

In the UK, there's usually a financial summary prepared where all debts, pensions, savings, investments, current accounts, assets, etc., are split. When this agreement is reached, it's then a matter of blame and more arguing. Adultery has to be proved, which usually means the adulterer needs to admit it. The grounds for divorce are limited. 70% of all divorces in UK are from either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. A divorce can be contested.

 

The only grounds are: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, 2 years separated, 5 years separated (can't be contested), and desertion (for over 2 years).

 

If a single event happened, you cannot use as grounds if you stayed living together for over 6 months afterward. Unless further incidents occurred.

 

In all cases, you must have evidence.

 

In the UK, it's generally better to wait out the two years period to avoid the battle ground. A lot of women in UK claim husbands were abusive when a marriage breaks down, which most think of as just arguments and fights. If you're not re-marrying, then divorcing isn't necessary - just separate all finances.

 

Interestingly, the one who's left with all the debts, low pay, etc., can file for Spousal Maintenance. A judge decides if any payments should be made and for how long by the better off party as a matter of fairness. You can also get 50% of their pension when you retire.

Edited October 28, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd suggest a more active role, since 'waiting' for her to act apparently is 'driving me insane'.

 

Sign up for some exit counseling and see a solicitor/lawyer to prepare divorce documents and serve them upon her. I get that you think the marriage can be saved, and that's valid, but it takes two to save a marriage; it only takes one to end it. Once you accept that you have no control over her, you're left with the one you have complete control over, and that's you. Good luck.

 

Well stated..

 

I was just wondering if it could be interpreted as a sign or not.

 

RedHawk, according to your own post, here's a (partial) list of the signs she's given you:

 

- "Classic case of GIGS, with two jealous cheerleading friends"

 

- "No compromise from her at all"

 

- "She has claimed...that she wants a divorce for the past 5 months"

 

- "She's pretty much expecting me to take care of it all"

 

- says her "feelings have changed"

 

- (she's) "making no effort to save the marriage"

 

If this was a Roadrunner cartoon and you were the Coyote, a safe would be falling from the sky to smash your carcass into the desert sands. That's how obvious the "signs" are. Ignore them at your peril...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RedHawk08]

Cheers everyone.

I received legal advice today.

I just got back from from the toughest hour I've known.

Facing up to the fact my marriage is over.

 

I got great advice. Every aspect covered.

Even they advised neither of us to file. That our marriage was salvageable, as they see couples forced apart by our circumstances all the time. They suggested counselling.

She won't do that at the moment sadly. Too proud.

Apparently, very few reconciliations occur inside the first 6 months. There is usually too much emotion for that to happen.

 

We had a disagreement today, and I saw for the first time the pain that she is in. Homesick, lonely, with her family and friends 5000 miles away.

 

Thank you for your advice. But I believe I'll be the stronger man, and hold off on divorce for another 18 months.

Neither of us are ready for this it seems. I am in no rush to shoot this dead yet.

Edited October 28, 2013 by RedHawk08

[beach]

Ummmm, you may not be willing to make it official - but I will state the obvious that you can't see...

 

The marriage is already over... YES DEAD.

 

Get to a counselor. You need help addressing your denial and delusions.

 

 

Do tell what took your W 5000 miles away from real life?

[beach]

6 months into separation, and the nightmare shows no signs of stopping. Wife is still confused as ever.

 

I'll keep the story as brief as possible, but am so exhausted with the stress of it all.

 

We have been married for nearly 5 years, together for 7. A transatlantic fairy tale romance that everyone admired.

Around December last year, after a couple of years of stressful times, we started to hit trouble. Deaths of two close family members on my side, money troubles, buying into a house we shared with my brother and a lack of privacy from my family. These circumstances slowly pushed me into a depressed state. I became withdrawn and my wife (not one for confrontation) withdrew too.

I received one warning of sorts that I needed to pull myself together. I must admit, my mind really was elsewhere at the time as my grandfather died two days later from a long illness, where he improved and declined almost weekly. Another emotional roller coaster.

 

Unfortunately, the only two people my wife confided in about our troubles were people with their own agenda. One, was a friend fiercely jealous of our marriage, the other was her boss who wanted to bed her. I had seen conversations between them both. All they really did was agree with her every doubt and fear.

I was very hurt, and confronted her. She apologised, rare for her. Life together limped on until mid March when the bombshell was dropped.

 

I received the "I'm not happy" talk. My shortcomings were listed. I took this as a sharp wakeup call. I admitted that I was depressed from all that had gone on, and that I would see a doctor the following day.

The next day, I was diagnosed as suffering from severe depression.

 

To be honest, I started to feel better in days. Just dealing with that black cloud made me feel like life was getting back on track. Even my wife was back to her affectionate self and was proud of me for taking control of my life again.

 

4 days later, the big bombshell dropped. "My feelings have changed" she said.

Then she reeled off all the faults that I was already fixing, and even started to rewrite history on occaision to justify her feelings.

 

The following month was a mess!

We swung between cheerful and friendly talks to full on desperate begging/angry outbursts from myself.

I'm embarrassed looking back. But then, when you're recovering from depression and the only thing that made you happy is looking like it's over... Anyone is going to panic! I even had a mild heart attack over it all. No long term health issues, but that was how stressed and heart broken I was.

 

A month later, she moves out. I still have no idea where.

She continues to call once a week for a month, an hour at a time. We're having fun and she's keeping up on all my improvements. She even asked on one occaision if there was anything she needed to improve.

I really wanted to suggest that she think beyond herself all the time, but I didn't want to spoil the progress.

 

I start to hear more reasons why we hit trouble during this time. So, I instantly start addressing my bad habits, drawing up boundaries with family and clearing my debts. I am also honest about my long held desire to relocate to the US with her. Another issue that was often raised.

 

I asked her to come home to soon I believe. This was refused, "my feelings haven't changed" etc. So my mind instantly raises the divorce question.

We had a few conversations that always ended up like that over the next few months. She would also tell me that various issues we had that I had solved were never an issue anyway. Classic history rewriting.

Every time we seemed to make progress, she would visit her jealous friend and we would be back to where we started.

 

Now, 3 months ago and again last week, I have talked to two people close to her that want us both to be happy. Her mother and a mutual friend that is in the same situation as her. Both have yet to hear the word "divorce" come from her. Whenever steps are made toward it, there is an excuse from her.

 

Her mother dropped many big hints and told me that "I don't know when she's coming back. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm not saying goodbye yet"

 

Our mutual friend last week had a very long talk with her about our situation. Being completely neutral while explaining that all the issues we had are fixed from my point of view. She also discovered and explained just how many of our previously trusted friends had been **** stirring between us, leading us to take swipes at each other for no reason.

My wife is apparently "still confused". Still clinging to a memory of me at my worst. Blaming her leaving on faults long resolved by myself. Seems to be waiting to see if all the changes will remain. But for the moment she just wants to see me carry on with life and stand alone and be happy.

 

Her weight has dropped to a worrying level. She is struggling financially. She will be quite brutal and cold with me, but appear to be confused about the future when she talks to our mutual friend. Often tearful and lonely.

 

I have backed off completely now for over a month. It is our 5th anniversary in another month.

 

In hindsight, I get angry with myself sometimes for how I've allowed myself to be treated, and how I was so blind to the interfering of people I thought were friends. (One friend has been trying to hook up with her since we split).

Then other times I get tearful that the person I love so much is feeling so lonely and confused.

 

All I want, is for my wife to see me how I am now so that she might forget the memories of me that are keeping her away.

I am 95% sure there is/was no one else. But I can't shake the feeling that she might be running from a guilt a little too.

 

Any advice is gratefully appreciated

 

You see, you view this as things YOU need to change about YOU.

 

When actually, it's things SHE needs to CHANGE about HER!

 

 

You have moved YOUR healthy boundary to her LOW level - and when you lower YOUR expectations - the M will never have the chance to get back on track.

[RedHawk08]

Ummmm, you may not be willing to make it official - but I will state the obvious that you can't see...

 

The marriage is already over... YES DEAD.

 

Get to a counselor. You need help addressing your denial and delusions

 

Do tell what took your W 5000 miles away from real life?

 

I did in fact she the marriage counsellor today, on my own.

I came away realising that we are both equally at fault. That my actions have done little more than speed up the separation descending into divorce.

Yes, she has played her part too. But I cannot change her mind by words. Only she can address her own issues.

 

I can however, dissolve her doubts. I found that out today.

I remembered who I was the day we met. The person who walked tall and confident, smiling and accessible.

She saw that person today as I walked through town.

 

Guess who just text me asking if I wanted a drink and a catch up?

[beach]

I did in fact she the marriage counsellor today, on my own.

I came away realising that we are both equally at fault. That my actions have done little more than speed up the separation descending into divorce.

Yes, she has played her part too. But I cannot change her mind by words. Only she can address her own issues.

 

I can however, dissolve her doubts. I found that out today.

I remembered who I was the day we met. The person who walked tall and confident, smiling and accessible.

She saw that person today as I walked through town.

 

Guess who just text me asking if I wanted a drink and a catch up?

 

I hope you answered NO!

[RedHawk08]

I hope you answered NO!

 

Yes. I am going to behave like I'm still hurt and bitter by refusing her offer to sit down and talk in a friendly and adult fashion.

I am perfectly content to allow her to be so lonely that she lowers her standards in company even further.

 

I shall instead, sit on a message board pissing on other people's hopes.