My fiance's children hate me.

[mrs rubble]

My lovely fiance has a 22yo son and a 21yo daughter. I got on really well with his son to begin with and his daughter appeared to be friendly enough too. We'd get together regularly and spend time with my son's as well (20yo & 15yo).

Things have slowly deterioted this year. Both my fiance's children produced babies in Feb. In Jan, we all went out for lunch one day.

My fiance's daughter looked at me and said "My god your boobs are massive, are you pregnant?" I was horrified she made a comment like that in front of my sons and I was embarassed, my older son actually told her that it was inappropriate to make any comment regarding a womens body shape or size. Which made me feel proud of my boy.

It turned out I was indeed pregnant, it was a shock pregnancy (I'm 41) When my fiance's daughter found out she made several snarky comments and treated it like it was a huge joke.

I had several bleeds and eventuallty lost the baby at 14 weeks. I was devastated as was my fiance. His way of coping with the loss was to go straight away (the next day) to see his children and grandchildren.

I found being around newborns extremely hard at the time, but grit my teeth and went with him to see his daughter anyway.

My fiance tried to get a hug from her that day and she stood there like a dummy and refused to hug him back. She never expressed any compassion or offered any condolences for our loss. This really upset me and I made the decision then to distance myself from her.

A couple of weeks later his daughter shifted house and asked her dad to help out with babysitting. He said no as he was at work at the time and couldn't, so she sent him an e-mail (which I happpened to see) going on about how he does nothing for his own kids anymore and he spent all his time and money on my "brats". Which is completely untrue....but riled my man as I'm sure she intended.

Now his son has shifted in with his daughter and her partner as his relationship broke up...and now he is starting to be all bitter and anti towards me. Last week he came over and told his dad in front of me and my sons that he had bad taste in women. I straight away told him that was a pretty offensive thing to say. He didn't bother to apologize.

There is a family dinner coming up in a couple of weeks.

I don't want to go, but know I have to. How do I survive this??

How can I stop them from hating me?

[Balzac]

You lack any power to "make" another person do anything. Sadly you are apparently about to be mattied married to a man who tolerates boorish behavior from his adult offspring. You describe a culture/class disparity.

 

What does your future husband say to you? Are you permanently engaged? Is their concern about an inheritance post marriage?

[mrs rubble]

My fiance is embarrassed of the way his children have been acting, but he say's nothing to them about their behaviour (that I'm aware of)...you have a very good point about him tolerating their bad behaviour!

Inheritance is not an issue, he has no real assets. I'm the one with assets and the only child of wealthy parents. He has agreed to sign a prenup.

[bentleychic]

You cannot stop them from doing anything, really. All you can do is be civil and respectful. You can only control your own actions.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

[todreaminblue]

get grounded.....seriously......when you hear a negative comment or catch a look ...look in to yoru pranters eyes see that he loves you and keep plodding on.

 

 

thats your grounding for you..your rock and anchor .......your partner.......if they(kids) say something offensive, i was told this by a very calm person say ...."i am sorry you feel you can talk to me this way....." end the conversation on that....

its hard being a step parent.....i am a parent not a step parent but i would imagine its hard...what i do know is ....how would you treat your own kids.....when they get narky...being a step parent (actually i think to be an adult) is treat other kids how you treat your own or how you want your own to be treated by others.....we are custodians for all children on this planet.....guardians........hopefully that means love all children.....being a parent means unconditional forgiveness...you dont have to take what they say as gospel...but you do, if needed , take a bullet for them........

 

 

 

kids stuff up like adults stuff up and adult kids yep they stuff up too...love them regardless of whether they love you or not.....my son called me scum....fat bitch i could list a whole load of things over years of issues

 

 

i have been told to f off, i have been told i am dead to him, that he would not spit on me if i were on fire...i love him...he has hit me.........told people i was dead...he has told me he is ashamed to be my son...i am an embarasment....i am retarded, i am the problem .....no wonder my ex left me because i am a retarded reject....every hurtful comment hit me like a sack of bricks...left me reeling and he would walk out on me, his job complete, with me struck silent and eventual tears not far behind ...............he has major issues...dependencies that make him hateful...i sacrificed my sanity once to help him...fighting my own mental issues...i would however not do this again.....once.....was enough.....i will forgive him always......cant say i really like who he is at the moment...but as my son....i cannot not forgive him.....love is needed

 

 

i am not saying you should put up with any that i have...i am just trying to show we all have kids who do and say horrible things for reasons....there is always a reason that needs to be addressed...as a step parent......you are still unconditional forgiveness...you dont have to like what they do...but you do have to love them.....people are not discardable because they dont fit your values or how you treat others or because you dotn agree with hwo they treat you.....too many discarded people running around causing havoc...breakdown of familial support casues major damage to societal struture and the family unit in general.....its war i tell ya...........be strong be sure....hold your head up ...be calm...you have done nothing wrong and the capacity to choose the right way...be that right way and show them the path.....condolences on your loss...been there too.. andi hear your broken heart....there is a reason for everything even when we cant see it.............hugs......debxo

Edited October 27, 2013 by todreaminblue

[D-Lish]

There isn't a lot you can do that you aren't already doing. Just keep yourself focused on your love for your man, that's all you can do.

 

I'm sure they don't hate "you"- just the idea of you, and what that represents.

 

The kids are obviously experiencing jealousy issues, and feel the need to make you the enemy while vying for their dad's attention. It most likely stems from the fear of being replaced- and his kids probably need some reassurance from your fiancé that nothing of the sort is going to happen.

 

Sounds to me like your fiancé needs to have a talk with his children. Not to chastise them- but to reassure them that his love for you doesn't change the relationship he has with them. That should be his duty as their father- as much as he has an obligation to you, to protect you from their ire, and make you feel comfortable.

[theothersully]

"how he does nothing for his own kids anymore and he spent all his time and money on my "brats"."

 

That's your answer. They are jealous of the time and resources your guy is putting into his new family. There is nothing you can do except wait and maintain your grace. They will probably come around.

[CC12]

There is a family dinner coming up in a couple of weeks.

I don't want to go, but know I have to. How do I survive this??

 

Why do you have to go? It sounds like things have gotten so bad that they're to the point of open hostility, so it's not like you need to be there in order to keep up appearances or pretend nothing is wrong. Let your fiance go on his own. Maybe the family time will be good for them.

 

Also please keep in mind that his kids are only 21 and 22 years old. You can't expect them to handle every situation with the utmost maturity and tact. Your major beefs seem to be that his daughter joked about your breasts and was insensitive about your pregnancy and miscarriage (my condolences) and you're right, she could have been better about it. But cut her a little slack, and don't take anything they do so personally. They're still very young and I bet they're having a difficult time accepting that their father has a "new" family. Try to be sensitive to that.

[mrs rubble]

Thank you all for your replies, it's been most helpful reading other's views on this. I am sure I am being over sensitive....I can still remember being 21 and bullet proof!

 

It's also made me think about why these kids's act like they do, and I think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that their parent's (split up 20years ago) are openly hostile towards each other still to this day.

Such a pity, parents have to act like that- I have a great relationship with my boy's dad's and their families, maybe my fiances kid's are envious of my kid's parents being civil and friendly towards each other??

 

I plan on talking to my fiance about the up-coming dinner and trying to get him to go alone (he say's he doesn't even want to go).

He really does need alone time with these 2, he confessed to me last night that he's embarrassed of his son's behaviour lately (he's been making derogatory remarks about females in general), I told him he should tell his son that!

[D-Lish]

I plan on talking to my fiance about the up-coming dinner and trying to get him to go alone (he say's he doesn't even want to go).

He really does need alone time with these 2, he confessed to me last night that he's embarrassed of his son's behaviour lately (he's been making derogatory remarks about females in general), I told him he should tell his son that!

 

He should go to the dinner, and you should as well. You're going to be a part of their lives whether they like it or not- and you shouldn't have to shy away from things just because his kids are a bit unruly.

 

He does need to talk to them though- that's his job as their dad. If he starts bowing out to avoid confrontations, it will make matters worse- because the kids will see it as a reinforcement of their idea that their dad is avoiding them to make you happy. Even though that's not the case.

 

Your fiancé needs to address this head on with his kids, he can't shy away from addressing it.

 

You were the enemy coming into this relationship, regardless of the fact that you have no hostile intentions. You can't do anything about that because it's not your issue- it's theirs. Keep taking the high road.

[2sure]

Have the hard conversation. His kids are both adults with children of their own.

Apparently the whole family is used to hostility and passive agressive communication.

 

But you don't have to be and besides, it's time someone did the right thing.

 

I love your father and I felt like we all had a good relationship. It was a surprise for me to find myself pregnant, and more of a surprise to not have your support during our loss . I would very much like for us all to enjoy each others company again, but lately I have been treated differently and not nicely. I hope we can talk about this and make a change. Until then, I'm going to take a break.

[Leigh 87]

They lack class. I was brought up to be polite and courteous towards people, even if they annoy the sh*t out of me.

 

Until a person directly does something wrong, in which case I would CONFRONT them rather than display disgusting behaviour towards them, I would simply stay away from people I didn't like, and in THEIR case I would be super polite due to their father being in a relationship with you.

 

Most mature adults who had a decent upbringing will be polite towards people they don't like, although these kids could be irrationally jealous due to you taking their dad "away from them".

 

I would wonder why they weren't mature enough to get along with you.

 

I would wonder why they lack the social grace and basic manners to just suck it up and get along with people they don't necessarily like?

 

 

 

Sorry for the loss of your baby by the way.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Oh my gawds.

 

What is this "they are only kids" crap?

 

My mother left my dad and lived with the guy she left him for. Did I like it? Nope. But I, at 18, was respectful and civil to him.

 

Your husband should tell them flat up to grow the hell up, and that he will no longer tolerate this disrespect for his wife.

[D-Lish]

They lack class. I was brought up to be polite and courteous towards people, even if they annoy the sh*t out of me.

 

Until a person directly does something wrong, in which case I would CONFRONT them rather than display disgusting behaviour towards them, I would simply stay away from people I didn't like, and in THEIR case I would be super polite due to their father being in a relationship with you.

 

Most mature adults who had a decent upbringing will be polite towards people they don't like, although these kids could be irrationally jealous due to you taking their dad "away from them".

 

I would wonder why they weren't mature enough to get along with you.

 

I would wonder why they lack the social grace and basic manners to just suck it up and get along with people they don't necessarily like?

 

 

 

Sorry for the loss of your baby by the way.

 

Maybe it is easy to look in from the outside and judge that the kids should be respectful - but I don't think we should be so quick to judge the kids behaviour. Dealing with a parental break-up can be pretty devastating to the children of divorced adults.

 

The OP walked into a history, and the history is not her fault, but it's now her problem unfortunately. This is a problem that requires a lot of conversations in order to attain resolutions.

 

I couldn't imagining ever embracing a new woman in my fathers life if him and my mother split. The thought of it inspires animosity in me just picturing the situation.

 

The kids are definitely creating the current problem for the OP- but it's part of a much bigger picture than simply showing decency to someone that deserves to be shown more respect.

 

Dad needs to take charge- but his challenge is going to be a complicated one to overcome.

 

I'm 40, and divorced, I shy away from relationships with men with kids because it's such a big hurdle to overcome.

 

It's not as simple as placing expectations on the kids to be respectful- it's way more complicated than that because there is such a deep-rooted history.

 

I think Dad needs to have more meaningful conversations with his kids. He has to do more than manage their behaviour, he has to go beyond that, understand the motivation behind their behaviour and address it freely and often. That's his job as a dad, a co-parent, and a fiancé.

 

OP is taking on the burden of a history that belongs to someone else- and that isn't right, it shouldn't be her burden to bear. At the center of this problem is both a Dad, and a fiancé- he needs to start taking charge of his responsibilities.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Maybe it is easy to look in from the outside and judge that the kids should be respectful - but I don't think we should be so quick to judge the kids behaviour. Dealing with a parental break-up can be pretty devastating to the children of divorced adults.

 

The OP walked into a history, and the history is not her fault, but it's now her problem unfortunately. This is a problem that requires a lot of conversations in order to attain resolutions.

 

I couldn't imagining ever embracing a new woman in my fathers life if him and my mother split. The thought of it inspires animosity in me just picturing the situation.

 

The kids are definitely creating the current problem for the OP- but it's part of a much bigger picture than simply showing decency to someone that deserves to be shown more respect.

 

Dad needs to take charge- but his challenge is going to be a complicated one to overcome.

 

I'm 40, and divorced, I shy away from relationships with men with kids because it's such a big hurdle to overcome.

 

It's not as simple as placing expectations on the kids to be respectful- it's way more complicated than that because there is such a deep-rooted history.

 

I think Dad needs to have more meaningful conversations with his kids. He has to do more than manage their behaviour, he has to go beyond that, understand the motivation behind their behaviour and address it freely and often. That's his job as a dad, a co-parent, and a fiancé.

 

OP is taking on the burden of a history that belongs to someone else- and that isn't right, it shouldn't be her burden to bear. At the center of this problem is both a Dad, and a fiancé- he needs to start taking charge of his responsibilities.

 

 

Well, I think that the situation I was in was pretty damn bad. Yet I was not rude to the guy. They don't have to like her or love her, but they do have to show the basic respect you show anyone else in life.

 

They are adults. Their father does not owe them money, or anything else. Anything you get in life, once you are an adult, is a bonus.

 

I say they need to grow up and he should not tolerate them being rude to his wife.