Did I hook my friend up with the wrong guy?

[tokyo]

I hooked two friends of mine up. She is Spanish and lives in Spain. He is Australian and currently is in London. He has a visa for one year and plans to stay if he finds a job. They first exchanged some emails, but met later for a couple of days. He was doing a trip in South America and finished with a visit in Spain where he met her for a few days. They seemed to hit off right from the start. He wrote me he was so thankful he met her and she was great. He went to London and continued to write to her how cute she was, how sweet and how much he missed her, etc. They had not agreed to be boyfriend or girlfriend, but that was more because he didn´t make any moves to take it further. I think it has something to do with the fact that he is in London and she is in Spain. That was in October. She now went to London to visit another friend of hers (that was planned before she met this guy).

 

 

The strange facts:

 

--When she was waiting at the airport she sent him a message, telling him when she would arrive. He called her back and talked with her a bit. When she asked him if he would pick her up he said no, he was going to visit a museum. No apology or anything. Just that he was going to visit a museum.

 

--The next day (Tuesday) they met for lunch, went to a museum, had dinner. His friend called and he said he was still speaking Spanish, meaning he was still with his friend. How rude is this??? He paid for lunch and dinner though.

 

--He said he couldn´t meet her on Wednesday, because he wanted to study for a job interview. Did go to the movies though with his best friend.

 

--In general hangs out every day with his best friend till 1 am. When he returns to Australia he and his best friend will do rafting in ...., surfing in ...., etc.

 

--As he couldn´t see her on Wednesday he said let´s meet on Thursday. On Thursday she wanted to go to a museum, he was too busy with his studies. Told her to tell her when it was over to meet her. After she was finished with seeing the museum he was still not ready, but told her he would meet her in Oxford. She went to lunch alone and then went to see Oxford. He met her there, apologizing profusely. At the end of the day he said good-bye even though there were three days left!

 

--Friday was her birthday, he didn´t remember it even though she told him three times during her stay that her birthday was on this day. So they met again, he invited her to dinner. They went home and he started holding her hand. He couldn´t stay with her though. Instead of suggesting something else, he went home.

 

--They once went to a market and he was looking for a necklace that some friend (girl) from Brasil wore. He thought it was cute and he was looking for the same model.

 

--All the time he is checking his mobile for phone calls. I don´t think he has a girlfriend. I´m pretty sure he would have told her as he seems to be an honest and genuine guy. I think his best buddy is the problem. He doesn´t have time to see her, but to see him.

 

--They are not dating, but kissed when he was in Spain. Now there wasn´t much going on. He gave her a hug when they met, but kissed her back when she did.

 

 

Am I stupid or what? Is it possible that guys can be so dumb??? I really had a high opinion about him, otherwise I would never had introduced him to my friend. Right now I don´t know what I should think. Did my instinct mislead me once again? It doesn´t look like he´s backing off, it doesn´t look like he´s interested. I know guys can be incredible cowards when they have to come clear, but in fact there isn´t that much to start with. I don´t understand why he is acting so weird.

 

My question: What should I tell my friend? I do not know him that well to want to talk with him about their relationship and I´m very reluctant to interfere in this case.

[emdeesea]

This situation is sort of similiar of what I went through so I can only give you the insight I myself gained.

 

(And I'll try to be as brief as possible)

 

I, too, met a guy from out of the country (I live in St. Louis - he was living about 100 miles from me and was from New Zealand). He was then working for a university and searching for employment - and didn't know where it might take him.

 

We hooked up and started going out, but he acted a lot like this guy you describe. He stayed detatched and sometimes vacant. And a major reason he did this was because he didn't know where he was going to next land. He didn't want to get too attached to me because not only did he not want to hurt me, he didn't want to hurt himself.

 

In my case, he ended up getting a position in my city and we're now dating exclusively because he's going to be here permanently and he felt like he was able to "open up."

 

I don't think this guy you describe sounds bad necessarily, but it does sound like they are on different points in their lives. Your friend needs to realize this before she invests too much emotion with him.

[tokyo]

Thank you emdeesea. I think you might be right even though I think it´s just pure immaturity to behave like this. He doesn´t even talks about having a future together with her. My friend said, he either remains silent or apologizes. But of course, he apologizes because he sees she´s hurt, not because he understands what he did wrong. He is so silly..... She told him: "All my friends tell me to dump you." and he sits there and says nothing. What´s going on in the head of those guys? Why are they not talking?????

[emdeesea]

I don’t think he’ necessarily being immature – it sounds to me like he’s just being a guy.

 

Guys date “in the moment.” They don’t think about tomorrow, the future, what may happen, etc. That’s what women do. Guys “date,” women “relationship.” When women meet a guy, they almost immediately jump to thoughts of walking down the isle, what their new last name will be and what to name the children. Guys don’t do that. Guys date here and right now.

 

That’s what this guy is doing. He’s right here and now. He probably enjoys her companionship, but who knows what’s going to happen with him in his situation tomorrow? He doesn’t know yet so he can’t make any kind of commitment to her.

 

Your friend should know this. She needs to be VERY CAREFUL about getting involved with a guy who’s future is uncertain. And if she’s ultimately looking for someone who can date her long-term with a long-term relationship in mind, she’d probably be better off seeing this guy just as a platonic friend, and absolutely nothing more than that. And then she needs to start meeting other men.

[tokyo]

I had been with someone, long time ago *sigh*, who was like this. I hooked my friend up, because this guy here seemed to have his sh*t together. And now it´s the same old game. What I find extremely frustrating is the lack of communication which I do consider to be immature.

 

The problem is not an uncertain future, but the lack of desire to overcome together problems or obstacles that may arise in the future. In the end giving an uncertain future as a reason not to commit means that he´s just not so interested. I just hope she´s not too much in love with him, but it´s probably too late already. I will take my instinct now and throw it in the garbage, it´s so damn useless.

[ConfusedInOC]

Yet nice, considerate men are often tossed aside for butth*les like this!!!

[emdeesea]

Has she actually *asked* him what he wants out of this? If not, she needs to. If she needs to know where she stands, then she needs to open her mouth. And if he can't give her a straight answer - there's her answer - she doesn't stand anywhere. She's something fun to do for right now.

 

Not that there's anything wrong with that - but if that's not what she's looking for she needs to do something about it.

[tokyo]

He´s not a butthole. He is a nice guy, just plain stupid. One day when he settles down I´m sure he´d be a great husband and father, but right now, he´s just a silly little kid. My ex is exactly the same.

 

If a guy is so nice, that he´s nicer than my best girlfriend he freaks me out. If he calls me more often than her, it makes me nervous. Some nice guys just don´t know what the limit is.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by kooky

He´s not a butthole. He is a nice guy, just plain stupid. One day when he settles down I´m sure he´d be a great husband and father, but right now, he´s just a silly little kid. My ex is exactly the same.

 

If a guy is so nice, that he´s nicer than my best girlfriend he freaks me out. If he calls me more often than her, it makes me nervous. Some nice guys just don´t know what the limit is.

 

See my new signature file for the answer.

 

I don't see how opening doors, holding hands, etc is considering "too nice." It's chivalry that I am most well known for (opening doors, romantic dinners, etc). I don't call too much, I'm just a freaking NICE guy.

 

As for your friend, if he can't pick her up, prefers to just hang with his biddy, he's a butthole. That's just plain rude.

[tokyo]

Well, you´re right with the not picking her up and hanging out with his buddy....

 

I like nice guys, just not the clingy ones.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by kooky

Well, you´re right with the not picking her up and hanging out with his buddy....

 

I like nice guys, just not the clingy ones.

 

I'm sort of clingy when I am with her. I like to hold hands and hug. I am very kinesthetic in that respect.

 

Not picking her up, hanging with his bud, etc. just shows that she is not his priority. He sees her as more or less a buddy of "less importance" than his friend.

 

Maybe he's ghey?

[tokyo]

Definitely not gay. Just prefers his best buddies and sports over her. He´s a kid who likes his toys and girls, but still prefers the toys more.

 

Guys

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by kooky

Definitely not gay. Just prefers his best buddies and sports tover o her. He´s a kid who likes his toys and girls, but still prefers the toys more.

 

Guys

 

I agree.

 

How old is he? This is usually a sign of immaturity. At 35, while still interested in toys and playing games (not head games, not immorality), I find that more and more I am interested in my relationship. Making it work, coming home to her, eating dinner with her, spending time together, etc. Lately our relationship has become my utmost priority.

 

Maybe it's my age. Maybe I am ready to settle down (I wasn't like this at 21, I can tell ya that!), whatever the case, I am so much different now than I was then.

 

I wish I knew then what I know now.

 

Me<--And don't forget, nice guys finish last.

[tokyo]

I think he´s 26. Young. I guess, none of these guys will settle down before they´re in their mid-thirties. I´d feel too old then for having a family.... Frustrating.

 

I´m going to bed now, it´so late.

 

Good night!

[Naive]

Hey kooky just wanted to say, hola come estas?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by kooky

I think he´s 26. Young. I guess, none of these guys will settle down before they´re in their mid-thirties. I´d feel too old then for having a family.... Frustrating.

 

I´m going to bed now, it´so late.

 

Good night!

 

G'day eerrrrr g'evening, mate!!!