An email I might send for closure...

[yesplease]

In the spirit of Sarah's thread, here's an email I might actually send to my xMM for closure. Basically, the last time we met, I told him that I didn't believe in divorce and could never do that to my husband. He didn't disagree with me, but the next day, he asked for a break and the following Monday, he called it off. He said he was calling it off because he couldn't offer me the time and emotion that I deserved. I do believe his reasons are honest, but I also can't help feeling like all my stupid comments about divorce pushed him to make his decision. Just prior to him calling it off, he was telling me how it scared him that he wanted me so much, but he was willing to work through his issues if it meant we could be together (as in the affair).

 

 

Truth is, I really have fallen for my xMM and I would be willing to do the honest thing and leave my husband -- under the right circumstances. I'm not giving my marriage up on a fluke. I also feel this is how my xMM was justifying his side of the affair until I went and said a bunch of stupid ish about divorce. In my heart of hearts, I believe our last real conversation left him feeling like why should I risk my marriage for a woman who would never leave her husband for me?

 

 

Anyhoo -- that's the backstory and below is the email. My hot little fingers are itching to send it. Let me know if you think this would make the situation worse.

 

 

 

FYI -- We ended our affair amicably via email. He never said he officially wanted to go "no contact", but I haven't received responses to my last two emails -- one on 10/1 and one on 10/6. It's been three weeks since I last attempted to contact him.

 

 

 

A hundred things are bothering me about the last time we saw each other. Even though it may not make a difference to you, the fact that I said

so

much stupid stuff is one of my roadblocks in getting over this relationship. It’s like a bad movie that keeps playing in my head. You know, like if I had said something differently or been completely honest with you about my feelings, I could have avoided a premature breakup. As with everything in reality, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference what I said because your issues are greater than just me. Either way – here it goes…

 

The whole conversation about my sister in law and how I don’t believe in divorce was just stupid. Yes, my sister in law is really getting divorced and I think she is making some poor choices regarding her new boyfriend, but I was not being truthful when I stated my opinion on divorce. I don’t like the idea of divorce, but I know it happens, and I am not sure I will always be married to my husband. I said all of those things about divorce not being an option because – taking into consideration your state of mind – I thought that is what you would want to hear.

The more I think about it, though – what a slap in the face. How can I choose to be in a relationship where I have agreed to share my feelings and my body, yet I repeatedly say that this person could never mean as much to me as my husband? I get why I said it, it’s a harsh reality for me to face – especially when I barely know you. But, the reality is I think about you constantly. When I’

m

with my husband doing something, I wonder what it would be like to be doing it with you. When I see something funny on TV, I wonder what you would have to say about it. In short, I barely know you – but, if given the opportunity to know you better, I could love you just as much if not more than my husband.

 

Since you pulled away from me, I know I am not in the power position here. I have said several times that I understand you are going to make the decision you need to make. I just needed to let this one piece of my mind out – because it was bothering me. There is enough crappy stuff to deal with in the aftermath without me making you feel like you could never be special or important to me.

 

Another thing I realize is that this explanation may not have been needed – and maybe you could care less because you are moving on. All I can say to that is I know my feelings were true and I am still working on a daily basis to get over you. If this process is easier for you than it has been for me, then I am sincerely happy for you. There is no need for two people to be feeling miserable.

 

 

[yesplease]

Honestly, it screams of desperation.

 

Don't send it. He didn't end the affair because of your stance on divorce. He probably ended it because you even mentioned the word DIVORCE.

 

He wants to have fun, not discuss the realities of marriage, divorce, or any other reality.

 

Let him go.

 

Thanks! I needed that slap in the face. I'm headed to the gym now to burn off some of my angst. I don't know why, but Sundays are the hardest for me in terms of getting over him. If I can make it until Monday morning, I'm golden!

[whichwayisup]

Don't send it x2!

 

This is good and theraputic for you. He hasn't replied to your other 2 emails, so sending a 3rd one will make you look needy and weak in his eyes.

 

Be strong, don't send it and keep on venting, keep on writing letters but NEVER hit send. In fact, write letters in a word document that way you're not tempted..

[Phoe]

In fact, write letters in a word document that way you're not tempted..

 

I did this in the past.

 

 

As my feelings progressed I'd go back and edit the letter, take out the things that no longer seemed right to me, added in new thoughts, condensed it, expanded it, reworded it...

 

 

I typically started with a frantic, overly emotional, explosively angry letter (novel more like..) and would end with a concise, rational explanation of my thoughts on the situation.

 

 

Over time I'd forget the letter was even there, until stumbling across it, thinking "PFFFTT..." and promptly would delete it.

[MissBee]

I did this in the past.

 

 

As my feelings progressed I'd go back and edit the letter, take out the things that no longer seemed right to me, added in new thoughts, condensed it, expanded it, reworded it...

 

 

I typically started with a frantic, overly emotional, explosively angry letter (novel more like..) and would end with a concise, rational explanation of my thoughts on the situation.

 

 

Over time I'd forget the letter was even there, until stumbling across it, thinking "PFFFTT..." and promptly would delete it.

 

Yepp...I know that process .

 

One thing I vowed never to do again post-breakup, is send email after email (novels). Sooo embarrassing! I'd often send frantic, emotional, angry ones, then graduated to sitting on them and then going back and making it more reasoned and concise, then I grew to save my emails for myself as a way to get out my feelings and not send them, as inevitably, after a while I would forget about it, see it, and like you would be like WTF?! Ridic! Then I'd delete it, embarrassed I had ever even wanted to send it.

 

Esp if this person doesn't respond to you, it will make you feel foolish later when you come to your senses, although in the moment you feel like you HAVE to send them the email and it will give closure etc...it usually doesn't and just erodes your pride.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Yes all this is so common. Everyone who is in pain should use the 2-day rule when writing letters, or just not send them. Would have saved a lot of face if I'd known that when I was younger.

[whereamigoing]

I've kept a journal since high school. Best place to vent anonymously. Fun to look back on it from a saner perspective. I used to need both parts: the writing and the reflecting. But I haven't felt a need to write in quite a while and the desire to reflect has diminished. I may soon destroy them. One thing for sure, my handwriting is atrocious when I'm hyper-emotional. I can't even read most of what I wrote!

 

But definitely don't send that email. Remember...you don't need him for closure, that's something you must give yourself.

[Scott Thomas]

If you were an alcoholic, would you visit a bar to 'talk' with Mr. Johnyy Walker?

If you were a drug addict, would you visit your local dealer one last time and talk?

If you murdered someone using a knife or a pistol, would you visit the culinary store/gun shop one last time?

 

No need to send the e-mail. A teenage girl can understand that she's being played and deserves more. You're an adult.

 

I'm a bit curious, since you have no children, why don't you divorce your short, boring, less-endowed bland husband (your words, not mine=your previous thread).

 

Why not give the poor chap to find someone who loves him?

You deserve to be happy- why can't the same logic be applied to your husband. Set the little birdie free....

 

In any scenario, I would urge you to refrain from sending the e-mail.

 

 

Food for thought.