I was her first but will not be her last

[BrokenNConfused]

Hello Everyone

I would never have thought that I would come to a forum like this. But I just need to get this out and get some input. It is a long story and i dont have a lot of time so i will try to keep this short. I have been married for 14 years. I was my wifes first. She was 18 and She had never been with anyone else but me. I think was the first to actually kiss her also. We we were in Love. As the years went there were some things that she did where I did lose some respect of her and what she did to our kids(we have 4 children) and how she treated me. But I still loved her. And in our 10 year we started talking about what it would be like to be with other people. As she has NEVER had that experience. Not even kissing or dating. So i was trying to be understanding. Well she essentially told me to find someone and we could try a threesome. She was open to this with another girl also. Well i found someone at my work and we became involved BEFORE I told my wife. Stupid i know.... But i thought if i worked on this OW first then had her like me she may be more willing to be in a threesome. And I did tell this OW what we were looking for. But after about a month I had to tell her the truth. I didnt want to hide it. So i did. She broke down and it was bad. I really didnt consider it an affair because she told me to find someone. But I did lie about it and hide it. But that didnt help matters. Eventually I broke it off with OW. It took us a while to get over this hurdle and she has gone out and met guys in a club and kissed them and stuff. But as far as i know that is it. I have tried to be open with her and let her "sow some wild oats" and get some experiences. And at one point we even maybe reluctantly agreed we are not "in love" with each other. But I have now realized I really do Love her. But it was always hard for me to imagine her with another man as i was her first for everything. But yet i felt bad because she did eventually find out in my past i had been with many women before we were married and she has had NO EXPERIENCES AT ALL with other people. Well we have talked about swinging and that kind of lifestyle so that both of us could experience other people. And this kinda had me interested. Because i have always loved women and of course sex. But as you know I would only really want it one way. I know that is selfish but I was her first in everything. And that is hard to get over I guess. Well i found out how hard it is.. Just recently we finally made the big jump and we went and met a couple. And she had sex with him and i with OW. We sorta hard fun..... But now after the fact i have been left feeling sad and depressed.... like what i have done? I married her because she was sweet and innocent. And being her one and only really made me feel good. But now i feel that is all ruined and i am afraid now... i am afraid that my view of her is going to completely change.... She even made the comment after this that she is a slut and she dont care what people think about it she likes it... Have i created this? Or did I allow this to go to far? Or do i just need to get over myself and allow her some fun she never got to experience??? I feel like my heart is broke and I feel confused. I really wanted to be her only and now its too late..... but is that a bad thing? I actually cried about this behind closed doors.... But if this is what she really wants then who am i to stop her happiness? I AM SO CONFUSED! Help!

Edited October 28, 2013 by BrokenNConfused

[BrokenNConfused]

Hello who knows

I do understand what you're trying to say and I wasn't looking for sympathy. But all the other women I had been involved with was pre marriage I really did not have a desire to be with other women until we started talking about being.with other people. And that's when I found out that she would be interested in being with another woman also. Its a longer story than this. But she did tell me to go and find someone. But yes I did do this behind her back. And I did mess up and I did hurt her. And told her I was sorry and never did it again. And we worked our way through it and got over it. But my main point in coming here to this forum.

Is to mainly get advice from people about how I'm feeling on this now. As I said I'm not the only one she's been with now. She knew I'd already been with some women before we got married. But she had never been with anyone. So I gave her that freedom. And now that she has it has hurt me and its affecting how I look at her. And I know you're going to say I deserve it but my point is I think it's different in the fact that she had never been with anyone I guess I kinda look upon it as being sacred. And now that is gone. Is that normal? Or am I being extremely selfish? I just think it's going to affect our relationship in the long term. And I can't do anything about it. Is this the beginning of the end or is this going to allow her some freedom and happiness since it seems to be the path she wants?

It just makes me sad that she did want to experience other men.... and not scared because of better endowed or at sex .....I am just afraid of how it has affected my feeling toward her now....and also she will want someone different all the time. But it wasn't just me that opened the door she wanted it too. I just was trying to understand her situation. Now I think it is going to affect our relationship now everything has changed

[BrokenNConfused]

Hello all

I am just looking for opinions.... whether they are positive or negative... I thought that this is what this forum was about... people giving their opinions.... i know everyone has one...lol I just feel down and depressed about this....I have lost what i had and now it is too late...

[unicorn farts]

Ugh.

 

When people have open marriages, threesomes, swinging, etc in their relationship, they do it from a place of complete honesty and trust.

 

When you had an affair you shattered your wife's trust in you.

 

Why should she care about you being upset? With your dishonesty and betrayal, YOU established the ground rules: sex with others is OK and meaningless, and the feelings of the betrayed partner don't matter.

 

YOU caused your wife to fall out of love with you.

 

I don't have any advice on fixing this because I don't see any reason to believe it can be fixed. You don't seem remorseful at all about your affair. Your wife is no longer in love with you. What is there to fix?

Edited October 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrokenNConfused]

Well I am sorry about what I did ... but she did tell me to go out and find a woman to be with only later to say she didn't really mean it but was only testing me...but I didn't know..she said women do that a lot say things they don't really mean..... so I did go find someone... but I appreciate your response so I guess there is nothing left then right? We both just continue on down the road to open sexual encounters with others .... it will never be the same now anyway... I could never look at her as the same innocent and sweet girl and she can never look at me and not see cheater right? So as I said is this the beginning of the end? Or we will just rely on these sexual encounters to mark up adventure in our life but never be truly in love again.? Remember we have 4 beautiful kids .... the thing is that is one reason I really was in love with her because I was her only one.... now that is gone...

Edited October 28, 2013 by BrokenNConfused

[Mr. Lucky]

the thing is that is one reason I really was in love with her because I was her only one.... now that is gone...

Sad and depressing if that's the "one" reason you are in love with her.

 

Yours might be one of the most passive/aggressive posts I've ever seen here. She's not a piece of property ("recent model wife, only one owner, mint condition, always garaged and carefully cared for..."), she's an actual living, breathing human being. But then I forgot, it's only your needs that really count. So you use her to achieve them and then devalue her for participating.

 

Just wow....

 

Mr. Lucky

[BrokenNConfused]

Sad and depressing if that's the "one" reason you are in love with her.

 

Yours might be one of the most passive/aggressive posts I've ever seen here. She's not a piece of property ("recent model wife, only one owner, mint condition, always garaged and carefully cared for..."), she's an actual living, breathing human being. But then I forgot, it's only your needs that really count. So you use her to achieve them and then devalue her for participating.

 

Just wow....

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky

Thanks for your input. I did not say i was perfect. And i believe most people are selfish in some way. If you say you are not you are not being honest. But i did not say that was the ONLY reason i Loved her. And of course she is a living being and my friend and my Love. The questions i was wondering about no one has even answered. I was asking if it was normal to put so much emphasis on being the one that took her viginity and now has some "issues" with that not being the case now? It bothers me and it will never be the same for both of us....

[panoramicview]

I have heard of many people (mostly men) being focused on being the only one that has had sex with their partner. It seems to come from a place of having conquered this unmarked territory. But I honestly don't understand where your frustration comes from with being able to not see her as "pure." She's not a child. Not many people are completely innocent having entered into adulthood. Even lusting after someone would have deemed her impure semantically. To top it off, even before she had sex with the other man, she was having sex with you. She wasn't still innocent and pure.

 

I really do think this has more to do with your pride than anything else...but if you couldn't fathom the idea of your wife having been touched by anyone else, then why run with the idea of opening your marriage. She did take vows and you are not responsible for the fact that she did not choose to explore before having done so.

[Mr. Lucky]

But i did not say that was the ONLY reason i Loved her.

Here's exactly what you said:

 

"the thing is that is one reason I really was in love with her because I was her only one.... now that is gone..."

 

 

I was asking if it was normal to put so much emphasis on being the one that took her virginity and now has some "issues" with that not being the case now? It bothers me and it will never be the same for both of us....

You're not still the person that took her virginity ?

 

She's not your only partner, including after you married and before you started swinging. Why shouldn't she see you as equally damaged goods?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

But i did not say that was the ONLY reason i Loved her.

Here's exactly what you said:

 

"the thing is that is one reason I really was in love with her because I was her only one.... now that is gone..."

 

 

I was asking if it was normal to put so much emphasis on being the one that took her virginity and now has some "issues" with that not being the case now? It bothers me and it will never be the same for both of us....

You're not still the person that took her virginity ?

 

You've had other partners, including after you married and before you started swinging. Why shouldn't she see you as equally damaged goods?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Hello who knows

I do understand what you're trying to say and I wasn't looking for sympathy. But all the other women I had been involved with was pre marriage I really did not have a desire to be with other women until we started talking about being.with other people. And that's when I found out that she would be interested in being with another woman also. Its a longer story than this. But she did tell me to go and find someone. But yes I did do this behind her back. And I did mess up and I did hurt her. And told her I was sorry and never did it again. And we worked our way through it and got over it. But my main point in coming here to this forum.

Is to mainly get advice from people about how I'm feeling on this now. As I said I'm not the only one she's been with now. She knew I'd already been with some women before we got married. But she had never been with anyone. So I gave her that freedom. And now that she has it has hurt me and its affecting how I look at her. And I know you're going to say I deserve it but my point is I think it's different in the fact that she had never been with anyone I guess I kinda look upon it as being sacred. And now that is gone. Is that normal? Or am I being extremely selfish? I just think it's going to affect our relationship in the long term. And I can't do anything about it. Is this the beginning of the end or is this going to allow her some freedom and happiness since it seems to be the path she wants?

It just makes me sad that she did want to experience other men.... and not scared because of better endowed or at sex .....I am just afraid of how it has affected my feeling toward her now....and also she will want someone different all the time. But it wasn't just me that opened the door she wanted it too. I just was trying to understand her situation. Now I think it is going to affect our relationship now everything has changed

 

So START thinking of it differently! You CAN control your thoughts!

[BrokenNConfused]

Hello everyone

I want to thank everyone for their input I will take the good and the bad and take it to heart. I know this is all my fault. I now know she doesn't really love me. And I'm just going to have to release her. And give her the freedom that will make her happy and that she so desires. Its all my fault anyway. It does hurt inside knowing it will never be the same. But I will hide it for all the rest of my days. I probably had true love at one time and I failed her and now there's nothing left to do or to say to bring that back. It's all my doing... or undoing I guess you could say... if there's any major changes I will come back here someday and update you all but she seems to be happy where she's at so I will let it be

Thanks again for your honesty I needed to hear it ...

 

One more question is there anything such as true love out there? At 40 years old and four kids should I even think about starting over again?

Edited October 29, 2013 by BrokenNConfused

[oldshirt]

Hello everyone

I want to thank everyone for their input I will take the good and the bad and take it to heart. I know this is all my fault. I now know she doesn't really love me. And I'm just going to have to release her. And give her the freedom that will make her happy and that she so desires. Its all my fault anyway. It does hurt inside knowing it will never be the same. But I will hide it for all the rest of my days. I probably had true love at one time and I failed her and now there's nothing left to do or to say to bring that back. It's all my doing... or undoing I guess you could say... if there's any major changes I will come back here someday and update you all but she seems to be happy where she's at so I will let it be

Thanks again for your honesty I needed to hear it ...

 

One more question is there anything such as true love out there? At 40 years old and four kids should I even think about starting over again?

 

Well now you are just having a little pity-party for yourself and you are whining about pulling the plug waaaaayyyy too soon. This situation is completely recoverable.

 

My wife and I used to be very active swingers and were very involved in the swinging lifestyle for many years. You made a few simple swinging blunders and stumbled on a few basic tenets of swinging that came back and bit you in the butt but everything here is completely fixable and no need to throw in the towel.

 

Let's back up a bit and start fresh here and look at things in a little different light.

 

Both of you had an interest in doing a little grazing on the other side of the fence. That is perfectly normal and natural for middle-aged couples who have been married for years and who have raised their children. ALL couples having some feelings and yearnings to experience a little variety and novelty. Anyone who denies it is lying or is just trying to make themselves look better or feel better about themselves. PERIOD.

 

It's how people deal with those feelings that determines their success or failure as a couple.

 

As I said earlier, you made a few basic swinging blunders. You didn't do your research into swinging and skipped the 101 Intro To Swinging class and ventured into something you had no idea how to navigate around in.

 

This thread or topic isn't the place to get into the specifics of that but let's bottom line this -

 

-you two gave it a mutually consensual try and it didn't work out for you. You tried it and it gave you the heebie-jeebies. That's common, it happens. (if you had done your due-diligence research, you would have learned in the first few moments of the Intro Class that you don't jump right in to full-swap intercourse with other people, but rather gradually do one baby-step at a time and then pull back if anyone gets squeamish)

 

Anyway, you tried it and it didn't work out for you but no real harm was done. You just found out the hard way that you aren't cut out to be swingers. There is no shame in that as 99.999999% of the World's population are not cut out for that lifestyle.

 

So what to do about it????????

 

For starters just admit that it didn't work for you and that you are not comfortable with her being with other men and that you want to be her one and only love. She isn't tainted, she isn't tarnished, she isn't damaged goods and neither are you.

 

You are a couple that has spent many years together, traveled many roads together, weathered many storms together (and this is just another storm and like all storms it will pass) and have raised a family together.

 

That is a lot of very important and crucial history together. You don't just throw that all away because you mutually experimented with some other people in your bed.

 

I think you just need to change your mindset a little bit. Swinging is INTRAmarital sex, not Extramarital sex. Swinging is inviting other people into your marital bed as a couple to experience a higher level of sexual stimulation and excitement together and a couple as part of the sexual dynamic of your marriage. It's like bringing in a toy or watching porn together or trying bondage or something. In this case instead of bringing in a dildo or other inanimate object as an adjunct to your marital sex, you are bringing in other people. they may be living breathing people but they are still and adjunct to your maritial sexuality and you are an adjunct to theirs.

 

You tried it and it didn't work for you. No harm-no foul.

[oldshirt]

Now I am not trying to diminish the angst that you are feeling here. I understand this has been a blow to you. I understand it hurts and that there is a bruise there.

 

I am just saying the wound will heal, the pain will diminish and the bruise will fade.

 

For that healing process to occur, the first step is to realize and accept that it WILL heal.

 

Second step is for both of you to stop this crazy little smoke and mirrors game that you both have been playing with each other. Admit to each other that yes, the thought of some variety and novelty was tantalizing but that now that you tried it, it left a bitter taste in your mouth and that you wish to resume a traditional monogamous marriage and that you reserve your sexualities for each other.

 

I'd bet my last dime that on some level your wife feels exactly the same.

 

Yes she did get a big hormone rush from having another man loving on her. Yes, that is exciting and it does take a number of days or even weeks for that rush to settle down and to come down from that high. But people DO come down from it and do get their feet back on the ground and get back to the business of living a happy and healthy marital life.

 

You didn't create a slut. we all have our own inner-slut already inside us and you simply let her let it out of the containment field for a night and on some level she enjoyed it and so did you. That's why people swing is so they CAN pop the cork and let out the inner beast now and then in a controlled and mutually consenting manner.

 

Now as I said, you did experience a trauma here and you do have a wound. You can either treat the wound appropriately and let it heal or you can keep tearing it open and allow it to fester.

 

My advice is to seek a professional marriage therapist to peel back all the layers of this and help you two work through this and let the healing happen.

 

You won't shock a legitimate therapist and you won't be condemned. People do this $hit all the time and any therapist worth his/her salt has heard much worse stories than this every single day.

 

Again, I want to reemphasize, THIS IS FIXABLE and is RECOVERABLE. there was no abuse, no adultery, no backstabbing, no intentional infliction of pain and suffering here. This was simply an exploration that all couple do to one degree or another and it was bungled at a few different points and you stumbled and fell and got a boo-boo. That boo-boo needs to heal and you need to make a few adjustments to your life that ensures that it doesn't get reinjured to a greater degree in the future.

[crederer]

I really don't mean for this to be as rude as it will sound, but you really need to get your head out of your ass. Dude, you're 40 years old ffs.

[Steadfast]

You aren't the first person to be betrayed by your own lusts. Nor will you be the last. I'm sure someone, somewhere at some time told you it was a bad idea...maybe even your own conscious. But the lust won. And you lost.

 

Few think these things through to the other side. Hindsight is very good at that, always after the fact. Wisdom is earned. The cost can be very high. Those that believe monogamy isn't natural have a point, but they fail to list the things lost by indulging in activities that strip away the opportunity to achieve by remaining faithful. If those things are important to a person, they will be far more hesitant trading them for temporary pleasure. And sex, even the best, down-n-dirty monkey-swinging humpfest is superficial.

 

The effects of abusing it are not. Sexual misconduct eats the soul. In time, the heart hardens. It stops being one thing and becomes another.

 

I am faithful. That part of me belongs to her. Experience tells me trading that for sex with another would take away something far more valuable. I seek accomplishment in many areas. Sharing that with the woman I love is the difference between lasting fulfillment and hollow praise. Love counts.

 

All that's left is to back up and tell her how you feel. If she agrees you have a chance of restoring your relationship. If not, the damage is done.