Cheating???

[justsomeguy80]

Need advice NOW! I'm about to move into a new apartment with my girlfriend and sign a 1 year lease. But, I fear she may be CHEATING!

 

We've been together almost a year, lived together for 6 months, and I've NEVER been happier in my life. We're compatible in every way and rarely ever argue about anything...However, she's displayed some unusual habits that have risen my curiosity and caused me to dig a little. And what I found is seemingly not good at all.

 

She texts and facebook messages people all day. Not a big deal, right??? Well when we're together, sometimes I'll use her phone to get a hold of a mutual friend or whatever, usually via text.

A couple of months ago I began to see some strange texts about her meeting a male "friend" of hers for dinner when she never mentioned having dinner with him,(this guy friend has always acted strange towards me; avoids eye contact, conversation or even being in my immediate area when we're all out together). Not wanting to be overly jealous, I let it slide and forget about it.

About a month ago she starts texting this guy a TON. Hours a day. I start to get curious and shamefully wait until she's asleep and take a peek. There's no messages from him! She deleted them! All other messages from myself and other are there for the past week, his are gone.

 

Now I'm in panic mode. I've been with cheaters...I know the routine. I start paying more attention. She has talked to him very regularly and EVERYTIME the messages are deleted and only his!

 

Do I confront her? I've been cheated on several times and where there's a cheater there's always denial...

 

Do I spy on her? I can always put spy software on her phone and read ALL of the messages she's deleting, but I feel I've crossed too many ethical boundaries already. What if it really is nothing?...

 

I love this girl with everything I have. I've never been in love like this. Losing her would be the biggest loss of my life. But, I can't help but feel something is off.

 

Please Help, Thank you

[Shashasha]

I think tou need to confront her about this without being accusatory. Have a mature conversation with her and let her know that tou love her and want nothing to come in between.

[KatZee]

I would not confront her.

 

The second you confront her with zero proof she's going to go into damage control and she's likely to flip the entire situation on YOU to make YOU look crazy and like the bad guy. I'm going to save you the trouble and tell you how the conversation will go.

 

justsomeguy80: Can we talk? I've noticed you have been talking to this guy very often. I'm concerned something is going on between you two. I have to admit, and I'm very sorry, but I looked at your phone and noticed all your text conversations are gone between you and this guy. Are you hiding something? Is something going on that I should know about? I've never loved anyone as much as I love you.

 

Cheating girlfriend: You went through my phone???! How dare you! Do you not trust me at all???? How could you violate my privacy like that and snoop through my things? Don't you know how this makes you look?? I would NEVER cheat on you, haven't you been with me long enough to know I love you too? I can't be with someone who looks through my stuff though. If you don't trust me, you shouldn't be with me. My phone probably has a glitch that erased the conversation by accident () this guy is *just* a friend.

 

And thennnnn she will know you are completely on to her, she will take whatever she's doing so far and deep underground that you will NEVER know if she had physically cheated, was thinking of cheating, was thinking of leaving you, emotionally cheating, or just being friends with this guy. And you will be paranoid and this will eat at you and the relationship until it just completely implodes and ends.

 

You've already done some of the hard work. You've already started to dig for information. I'd say her behaviors are raising red flags, she shouldn't be talking to a guy so frequently that's not you, and she obviously would not delete those conversations if she had nothing to hide.

 

The fact that she deletes the conversations and then NOTHING comes from him throughout the night, makes me think she has a whole game plan going with this person and she could be telling him to not send messages past a certain time, or to end the conversations until she reaches back out to him.

 

Is there any way to check e-mails or other forms of media to confirm any suspicions? I would say keep your eye on her but do NOT let her think you're on to her in any way, shape or form.

 

One thing about cheaters, and I'm sure you know this too. Cheaters are liars. They're going to do, and say, and act however they need to, to make sure you don't find out, or to deflect what they're doing. You cannot trust cheaters to have "honest conversations" because what they will tell you will 99.9% of the time be complete and utter bulls.hit.

[Joaquin]

^^^^^ nailed it x1000.

 

If u need more proof or to allay your fears, u will need to get it from any source that is NOT the potential cheaters own mouth.

Edited October 28, 2013 by Joaquin

[justsomeguy80]

Katzee, Thank you for your somewhat painful to take, but much needed insight. Your example is exactly what I would expect in confronting her. I hadn't considered the lack of conversation throughout the night. This can't merely be coincidence.

 

I can get access to pretty much anything I need. I just need to move on it. It was the moral dilemma that was getting to me.

My post was perhaps just a need to hear what I already know. It's hard to see clearly through the fog of deception when you want, more than anything, for this one to be THE ONE. I fear there may be no truly honest and committed relationships anymore. Maybe I'm being naive or even a little demanding, but I just want to get back what I'm willing to give.

[ConstantVoyager]

Don't spy on her. If I wasn't cheating and a guy spied on me, I would dump him and never take him back. People in relationships are entitled to privacy.

 

Talk to her. If you still have doubts, end the relationship. The doubts are signs of lack of trust in the relationship and an unhealthy relationship.

 

I've never cheated. I had a boyfriend read my journal once because he thought I was. I dumped him and never looked back. A violation of my privacy on that level is not forgivable.

[Chi townD]

Dude, spy on her. If your gut is telling you something, then listen to it! Most of the time, it's right. Normally, I wouldn't tell you to go to THAT extreme, but considering you are about to enter into a lease agreement with her. I think it would be wise to know where you stand BEFORE having to be legally responsible to her through your living arraignments.

 

You need to find out and you need to find out NOW! The best way to catch her is to play stupid. Change nothing about your demeanor. Be an award winning actor. The more stupid and clueless she thinks you are, then that's when she's going to make a mistake.

[KatZee]

Don't spy on her. If I wasn't cheating and a guy spied on me, I would dump him and never take him back. People in relationships are entitled to privacy.

 

Talk to her. If you still have doubts, end the relationship. The doubts are signs of lack of trust in the relationship and an unhealthy relationship.

 

I've never cheated. I had a boyfriend read my journal once because he thought I was. I dumped him and never looked back. A violation of my privacy on that level is not forgivable.

 

Have you ever been cheated on?

[ConstantVoyager]

Not to my knowledge, but that wouldn't change what I think is acceptable behavior with regards to privacy.

 

If I thought I was being cheated on, I would talk to my partner. If I still had doubts, I'd end the relationship.

[KatZee]

Not to my knowledge, but that wouldn't change what I think is acceptable behavior with regards to privacy.

 

If I thought I was being cheated on, I would talk to my partner. If I still had doubts, I'd end the relationship.

 

Yeah. So you've never been in the situation.

 

You can sit here and talk about how you'd handle yourself but trust me, that changes completely once you're actually IN the situation.

 

If/when you're ever cheated on, you will change your tune. Cheaters are always, ALWAYS liars. And you learn real fast that "talking" to cheaters does nothing. You will accomplish nothing, and you will learn nothing.

 

The fact that you think you'd be able to talk to one and get to the bottom of things to ease doubts is kind of cute, but it's not reality.

 

I'm not talking about someone who snoops for the hell of it, or someone who snoops because they're insecure. I'm talking about your normal everyday person, who has very serious and very real red flags that their partner is cheating. The absolute WORST THING TO DO in this situation, is to confront them with no proof.

 

They will dance around you with excuses, talk in circles, gaslight you, smoke and mirror you, twist stories, blame shift, and outright lie right to your face in fear of being caught. If a cheater knows their partner has nothing on them, they will lie lie lie lie lie like a rug. They will make their stories sound so utterly and positively convincing, that you will wonder how you ever accused them of cheating in the first place.

 

Cheaters put their partner's emotional health at risk, and more importantly, their physical health. Some cheaters are risky and don't use condoms.

 

You absolutely cannot sit here with a straight face, and say that if you thought your partner was cheating that you WOULDN'T try to find out about it. Instead you'd stick your head into the sand and take their word at face value? FOOLISH.

[ConstantVoyager]

I absolutely can say it. (I never said I'd bury my head in the sand. I said that I'd break up with someone if I was still suspicious.)

 

If you spy on someone and find out they haven't cheated, you have broken their trust and they have done nothing. You deserve to be dumped.

 

I won't put myself in that position. If I am so uncomfortable in a relationship that I would consider spying on someone, I would just end the relationship. The trust is already long gone at that point.

 

I won't break my beliefs and my partner's trust because I have suspicions. It is not part of my moral code in relationships.

Edited October 28, 2013 by ConstantVoyager

[Chi townD]

I absolutely can say it. (I never said I'd bury my head in the sand. I said that I'd break up with someone if I was still suspicious.)

 

If you spy on someone and find out they haven't cheated, you have broken their trust and they have done nothing. You deserve to be dumped.

 

I won't put myself in that position. If I am so uncomfortable in a relationship that I would consider spying on someone, I would just end the relationship. The trust is already long gone at that point.

 

I won't break my beliefs and my partner's trust because I have suspicions. It is not part of my moral code in relationships.

 

 

Not that simple. A lot of people put everything into their relationships and have a hard time believing that the person that the love would do something like that too them. Hell, a lot of people that come on here express a lot of guilt and remorse for even FEELING like there's something going on behind their back.

 

I mean, we get guys on here that are in denial that they just need to get an outside opinion.

 

"Hey guys, my wife has been acting strange lately. She's been coming home late. She guards her phone. I found a pair of soiled panties that I've never seen before at the bottom of the closet hidden under some shoeboxes. Weird charges on her credit card for Victoria Secret and one from Fredricks of Hollywood for some toys and anal lube. I also found matches from the Hilton in her car and a used pregnancy test in the trash; but, I had a vasectomy. Do you think she's cheating on me?"

 

And the sad thing is, the above paragraph usually isn't an exaggeration. People become so blind by their love for their significant other, they usually come here to have the obvious pointed out to them.

[justsomeguy80]

What if you loved that someone more than anything? Would you just break it off if you thought they were cheating OR do some research to see if your love is worth salvaging. This may be (very unlikely) nothing. If it is...I'll admit I was paranoid and went through her stuff. Are you forgetting I'm likely being CHEATED on??? Why do you speak like I'm doing something wrong by making sure I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life by staying with this girl? I'm milling to deal with the consequences if I'm wrong more than I am willing to let her hurt me and turn my head to it.

[Zahara]

I've been with cheaters and your gf reminds me of an ex that started behaving this way. I didn't need to snoop, I wanted to but didn't have his passwords and he was locked solid but one day he slipped and left his email on his laptop open and it was right there. If your instincts are telling you something, listen to it.

 

It's wrong to snoop because you just want to but to snoop because you believe there is a strong chance that there's cheating going on, do it.

 

The thing is, cheaters are liars and manipulators. You have to go the extra mile to get the truth because there is no chance in hell you'll get it from them.

 

PS: If it's nothing, why delete his text messages? If it's all innocent, she shouldn't have a hard time sharing with you. Hiding is a huge red flag.

Edited October 28, 2013 by Zahara

[antieverything]

I agree! Don't confront.

I was dating a guy, went on holiday and he was texting me being all over the top. I knew he had something to hide. I got home and met up with him..he was being all nicey nicey, I said hace you been up to something? His response was ohh you don't trust me and all that BS. I then passed him my phone with a message from his ex, she told me how they slept together twice when I was away. He then continued to deny but then admitted it.

I had proof. If she didn't tell me than I'd be none the wiser and still with this dirty cheat!

I 100 percent agree with Kat. Little bit of spying won't hurt, it could bring everything to light!

[KatZee]

What if you loved that someone more than anything? Would you just break it off if you thought they were cheating OR do some research to see if your love is worth salvaging.

 

Exactly. That frame of thought made absolutely NO sense to me.

 

I don't get the logic in just dumping someone because you THINK they're cheating. Usually, people do the research before coming to such a drastic decision.

 

And once you're so in love, so invested, it's extremely hard to just "walk away" based on no tangible evidence whatsoever. And even when you DO get the evidence, it's STILL incredibly difficult to walk away.

 

I was that girl who swore up and down I would dump anyone who ever cheated on me, no questions asked. Then it happened to me. What did I do? I stayed.

 

It's one thing to talk a big talk, but you better have been in that situation to back up your talk. Things often don't go the way you thought they would.

[Darren Steez]

Need advice NOW! I'm about to move into a new apartment with my girlfriend and sign a 1 year lease. But, I fear she may be CHEATING!

 

We've been together almost a year, lived together for 6 months, and I've NEVER been happier in my life. We're compatible in every way and rarely ever argue about anything...However, she's displayed some unusual habits that have risen my curiosity and caused me to dig a little. And what I found is seemingly not good at all.

 

She texts and facebook messages people all day. Not a big deal, right??? Well when we're together, sometimes I'll use her phone to get a hold of a mutual friend or whatever, usually via text.

A couple of months ago I began to see some strange texts about her meeting a male "friend" of hers for dinner when she never mentioned having dinner with him,(this guy friend has always acted strange towards me; avoids eye contact, conversation or even being in my immediate area when we're all out together). Not wanting to be overly jealous, I let it slide and forget about it.

About a month ago she starts texting this guy a TON. Hours a day. I start to get curious and shamefully wait until she's asleep and take a peek. There's no messages from him! She deleted them! All other messages from myself and other are there for the past week, his are gone.

 

Now I'm in panic mode. I've been with cheaters...I know the routine. I start paying more attention. She has talked to him very regularly and EVERYTIME the messages are deleted and only his!

 

Do I confront her? I've been cheated on several times and where there's a cheater there's always denial...

 

Do I spy on her? I can always put spy software on her phone and read ALL of the messages she's deleting, but I feel I've crossed too many ethical boundaries already. What if it really is nothing?...

 

I love this girl with everything I have. I've never been in love like this. Losing her would be the biggest loss of my life. But, I can't help but feel something is off.

 

Please Help, Thank you

 

This is exactly your problem. You put someone on a pedestal and you give them the sort of attention that you're not getting back, you're in trouble.

 

You know what she's doing, it may not be cheating but she's lying and deleting texts from this guy. I would out the spyware on the phone, so you can see with your own eyes what she's up to, but you having the n&ts to break up with her? I don't think so.

[Darren Steez]

Exactly. That frame of thought made absolutely NO sense to me.

 

I don't get the logic in just dumping someone because you THINK they're cheating. Usually, people do the research before coming to such a drastic decision.

 

And once you're so in love, so invested, it's extremely hard to just "walk away" based on no tangible evidence whatsoever. And even when you DO get the evidence, it's STILL incredibly difficult to walk away.

 

I was that girl who swore up and down I would dump anyone who ever cheated on me, no questions asked. Then it happened to me. What did I do? I stayed.

 

It's one thing to talk a big talk, but you better have been in that situation to back up your talk. Things often don't go the way you thought they would.

 

Interesting. Are you still with that person who cheated on you. I say this because I also swore if I was ever cheated on, I'd walk. I stayed and still got cheated on again. I'm now at a point of zero tolerance to any nonsense. One sign of disrespect and I'm gone, no matter how strongly I feel.

[Keke1]

Interesting. Are you still with that person who cheated on you. I say this because I also swore if I was ever cheated on, I'd walk. I stayed and still got cheated on again. I'm now at a point of zero tolerance to any nonsense. One sign of disrespect and I'm gone, no matter how strongly I feel.

 

I'm the same way. Stayed with the torment. OP it will be better although you love her like crazy things will get better. I never caught my ex cheating but there were strong signs and I hate to think what I'd have done if I contracted something I never wanted.

[KatZee]

Interesting. Are you still with that person who cheated on you. I say this because I also swore if I was ever cheated on, I'd walk. I stayed and still got cheated on again. I'm now at a point of zero tolerance to any nonsense. One sign of disrespect and I'm gone, no matter how strongly I feel.

 

No, I'm not. Ironically, he was the one who dumped ME!

 

I'm pretty sure he cheated on me again as well, this time not physically, but emotionally. I found out that he started dating some chick he met at his new job pretty much immediately after dumping me and that only tells me that he knew her, was getting close to her, and then pretty much had her in the bag before he let me go.

 

NOW I can honestly say that I have a zero tolerance policy. I would never put myself in that situation ever again. If I could go back in time and punch myself right in the face and walk away from him, I would. Unfortunately I can't, but I learned a very valuable lesson.

 

Now I really don't care if someone cheats on me and they swear up and down it will never happen again and they'll do whatever it takes. They would be done to me. Done.