Signs .. and the struggle to maintain NC / HEAL

[SilverlinedCloud]

I dont know whether its a sign from the Universe, or just a mere coincidence.. twice over.. but just when i think ive really begun to do my healing justice by loosening the grip...depressing the valves.. there he is all over again.

He was incredibly heartless, tactless and any sort of less you can think of 3 months post BU (MAY/JUNE), and began to threaten and incite cruel behavior towards me.

After this i realized he had me where he wanted me.. NC had to begin all over again, i was broken, a complete mess. He was my world and i would have done anything for him. I did. I was met with no trust and insensitivity as well as infidelity.

 

I wrote a 12 page letter back in September that i was planning to burn.. we hadnt spoken for a whole month prior. I got out all of my feelings, i felt AMAZING i had a pep in my step and i signed and dated to the letter.. within 5 mins of completing this letter.. there he was.. another SMS.. apologising and checking in.. I could have died with anxiety.

 

Then every 8 days to 2 weeks theres been a message or a check in of some sort. Ive held on with NC but its almost like hes conditioning me to look forward to hearing from him, and reminding me he is still there- If he had something to say why not just come out and say it in the same way he apologised? I question everything and its gotten me wrought not knowing his intentions.

 

I got another message from him tonight after being presented with a situation where i have no choice but to change my focus - there he is all over again. Unless he is following my social media, its all too close to home to think for one minute im connecting with him vibrationally and enough where hes thinking about me and wants to hear from me. And even after all of the hurt, whats weird is i want to think 5 months later that he has changed, i want to think that so so so bad. I even have some days where i lack selfworth so much i want to contact him because thats what i limit my value to. Someone whom i consciously realise wasnt worth it in the past.

 

I am self reflecting alot more efficiently and catching my thoughts, its been almost 60 Days since i last had something to say. I uttered the words...

 

"I have nothing more to say to you"

 

And since then i havent.

But ive had alot of internal dialogue

I get it.. he just wasnt the one.

 

 

Edited October 28, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
Typo - General Corrections n Addditions

[Chris715]

I'm impressed. If my ex had been messaging me that frequently (if at all) I would've broken NC over and over. Your will power is definitely greater than mine and it's going to pay off in the end.

 

I'm almost a year broken up with my ex now, but because I couldn't put my foot down, stop contacting her, and couldn't see that things were over, I'm still not over her, and it's caused me a lot of pain over the course of the year.

 

Stay strong and learn from my mistakes. 60 days of NC is great. So what if neither of us has found "the one" yet? At least we realize it wasn't our ex and from there we have no choice but to move on.

[Janni]

I agree with Chris715.

 

But I want to add something. During my 4 weeks of NC my ex has contacted me once. Well, actually he tried calling three times, texted me once and then e-mailed me. But all his calls and text are blocked so I didn't know until the e-mail. And I understand completely how devastating it is to just receive a text from your ex. It set me back three weeks and I am still struggling. All the progress I had done is gone. So I am really sorry to hear, he's contacting you so often.

 

When that's said, I really want to stress how well you're doing for keeping NC. That is amazing. You should be proud. Is there any way you can hide his texts, so you won't see them? My phone, an HTC, has a blocklist. When you put a number on the blocklist, the phone automatically moves all messages and calls to the block folder. Without notifying you. So you have to actively go into the folder to check for calls/texts. It helps a lot. Maybe yours has some feature like that too?

[SilverlinedCloud]

Chris715 and Janni its a pleasure to hear from you both and thankyou for replying

 

60 Days i must admit ive never craved or had withdrawal from something so pleasure pained in my entire life. The after effects of him and what he kept on imparting and leaving behind felt like it were as hard as any hard addiction. I didnt have my own reasons as to why i wanted to go NC.. i kept ASKING OTHER PEOPLE and trying to get their opinions for why i should. I wish i did, maybe these 60 days would have gone alot smoother. Im used to .. wel thinking i know all the answers and being able to define things this is a situation in my life where i feel helpless, as i just dont know anymore... LIMBO

 

Chris, im so sorry for the loss of your relationship and the pain that came as a result. I must say i know that feeling of not putting your foot down, blurring the lines, idealising them instead of yourself and what you think they need as if you were still in a relationship format. And i know the feeling of having to kickstart and restart NC as well as find your own reasons away from other peoples as to why thisaction (NC) would be good for your benefit. You sort of forget how to put yourself first when you get caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Im still not over him, either. Im sure it will take a while but the main thing is that you are able to acknowledge it in its current state and your own vices which prolong your healing. Hopefully now you are catching yourself a little quicker when you feel like you are going on an emotional tangent. And youre right. Pardon my ignorance for saying "the one" im sure there are plenty of ones, just not in the one we thought was..

 

Janni thankyou so much and im sorry for the current state of affairs and how much its set you back. Your posts were some of the first ones i came across when i logged back into LS. The good thing is progress is always cumulative based on how well and where you are finding your strength from. Just keep breathing and whatever you can find to occupy your time and create mind gaps - all the better.

I have Android so i do have that block and spam sms feature, BUT all i was merely doing was not disciplining myself and consistently checking the folder for his blocked messages and then id reply, so it didnt make a difference. Now ive taken him off of block so he is free to call text, whatever. Maybe i need to create a filter within myself rather than my phone and start to build indifference. I know im forcing myself to though, im not ready and his emotionally fuelled messages always seem to get me. only this time its met with my resistance rather than the need to explain myself. Its like having the choice and taking the painful route to healing.

 

[AllTooWell]

I know it's hard but you're doing really really well.

 

The thing that you need to do, that I strongly, STRONGLY suggest you do is block his number - if you aren't willing to, there is a reason.

I really, really suggest calling your provider and having the number blocked. Or pay the 5$ for a text blocking app.

 

I have kind of a similar situation to yours (though not properly documented on this forum) and am now back in NC. I have had his number blocked now for 2 weeks. When I decided to block it it felt incredible - because though it wasn't super difficult for me to ignore his texts/calls, I, like you, was confused by them, hurt by them. It always seemed to happen right when I took a step towards moving on or improving me.

 

If they want to find a way to contact you (if you're scared having him blocked won't let him crawl back) let me tell you, they find a way. He called me off someone else's phone on an important personal day and not recognizing the number, I let them leave a voicemail. I listened to the voicemail and realized it was him and I can't describe to you the pain I felt hearing his voice. I deleted the voicemail without listening to the whole thing.

 

I really appreciate this post, especially when you talk about needing self-respect to stay strong. I really needed to read that

[SilverlinedCloud]

Hey AllTooWell thankyou so much for your encouragement. Youre right, I really should block it out because I haven't yet developed indifference to him. I dont want him back and dont want to give him a reason to make me an armchair or whatever else he intends in his life. I give too big an emotional response and he knows it. I even wanted to eventually reply back so he doesnt get the idea that im as hurt as i was. But who cares what he thinks. Caring so much about what he thinks is what got me in this position in the first place. Ugh I've never ignored anyone this long in my life. But its a necessary evil.

 

I had zero .. very minimal self respect and I didnt see the need or purpose for boundaries when it came to him. But its so important. Youre always going to be in a mode that youre constantly getting to know people even those that are close to you and a little mantra as to what you will and will not accept from yourself and other people for the purpose of your own wellbeing shouldnt go a miss. So im learning anyway...

[Janni]

Janni thankyou so much and im sorry for the current state of affairs and how much its set you back. Your posts were some of the first ones i came across when i logged back into LS. The good thing is progress is always cumulative based on how well and where you are finding your strength from. Just keep breathing and whatever you can find to occupy your time and create mind gaps - all the better.

I have Android so i do have that block and spam sms feature, BUT all i was merely doing was not disciplining myself and consistently checking the folder for his blocked messages and then id reply, so it didnt make a difference. Now ive taken him off of block so he is free to call text, whatever. Maybe i need to create a filter within myself rather than my phone and start to build indifference. I know im forcing myself to though, im not ready and his emotionally fuelled messages always seem to get me. only this time its met with my resistance rather than the need to explain myself. Its like having the choice and taking the painful route to healing.

 

 

That is ofc your choice. I hope you feel okay and get better with time. But if his texts affect you this much, maybe you should block him again. You would still have to create a filter within yourself and not check the folder. Of cause it's your choice and you know best what will work for you. I wish you the best.

[Jack Dingo]

Hmm, it seems this forum doesn't do PMs..

 

I just wanted to say cloud, I'm going through the exact same thing.

 

At first I thought she was making things up to keep talking to me, then I realised she isn't.. But it's all too close to home. And all the messages are so unclear, if she tells me she's in hospital, how am I supposed to reply?

 

"Gratz on avoiding death"

"Luckily you have all those people in your life who genuinely care about you" (Sarcasm)

"I hope you're okay"

 

In the end I can't figure out what to say and..

 

My whole day was just ruined.

 

I'm not sure if she does this on purpose, but she just knows exactly when/what to say to stop me from moving on. As in, it sucks for you, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

If you figure out how to PM, feel free to contact me.

 

You're not alone.

 

[Janni]

Hmm, it seems this forum doesn't do PMs..

 

I just wanted to say cloud, I'm going through the exact same thing.

 

At first I thought she was making things up to keep talking to me, then I realised she isn't.. But it's all too close to home. And all the messages are so unclear, if she tells me she's in hospital, how am I supposed to reply?

 

"Gratz on avoiding death"

"Luckily you have all those people in your life who genuinely care about you" (Sarcasm)

"I hope you're okay"

 

In the end I can't figure out what to say and..

 

My whole day was just ruined.

 

I'm not sure if she does this on purpose, but she just knows exactly when/what to say to stop me from moving on. As in, it sucks for you, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

If you figure out how to PM, feel free to contact me.

 

You're not alone.

 

 

PM is only available when you are an established member. Which means you've been a member for some time and have posted several threads/posts

[SilverlinedCloud]

So 70 Days into NC, and as id mentioned on my previous post

My ex gets into contact yet again, hes been spending all this time trying to see how i am, showing messages of care, affection and concern after sending some pretty hateful "crawl into a corner and die" type of stuff to my phone. He didnt really get the NC thing and his approach was to maintain contact to make me realise everything i was losing out on... which was essentially nothing. As i was so used to defending myself with pages upon pages upon pages of texts that made no difference.

 

But this time, its a little different.

Today he sends me a message saying simply

 

"**** it, **** You"

 

Typical. Thats the end of that then. At least i got what i thought would come back round. Yet he proved again the person i always dealt with. Cannot deal with his anger and loss or reasoning in a healthy way.

I waited it out to see that bitch come right back out of him... and here he is..

Not one did he pick up the phone.

 

People can change.. only over time and...

 

only if they want to.

 

Im not as broken hearted as i thought id be, disappointed? slightly? broken hearted? no. when you come to expect and be able to predict the behavior of someone you thought you knew, changed and then they show you their behavior YET again, it all just becomes like history repeats itself again.

 

My relief now comes not from his aggression. But from confirming what id always thought. There is always space for what ifs.. and regretting things- leaving the door of opportunity open, but if youve decided on something give yourself credit for thinking it out and taking the most appropriate action to protect yourself and your best interests.

 

I know now, i can move on, and hopefully so can he. Albeit still angry at me. I didnt do anything to deserve that but you know what, i controlled myself, and he couldnt..

 

Say what they might

 

SILENCE IS ALWAYS THE LAST WORD.

 

Anyone who is struggling in NC... stick it out.. things will be revealed.. not in the way you may think or like in my situation, but the reason will eventually become clear.

[Nubcake]

Im glad you found relief. I could never say that to my ex even now, the worst I ever said was calling her an idiot. I can't see how she could have said that to me either which she has a good bit when we were together and worse. I think I would get relief if my ex talked to me so I can get everything off my mind, I wouldn't be asking her back just for closure. I find myself having conversations with her in my mind everyday and what I would say. But she will just ignore me or be very hostile if I contacted her so im forced NC.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Nubcake

[SilverlinedCloud]

Hmm, it seems this forum doesn't do PMs..

 

I just wanted to say cloud, I'm going through the exact same thing.

 

At first I thought she was making things up to keep talking to me, then I realised she isn't.. But it's all too close to home. And all the messages are so unclear, if she tells me she's in hospital, how am I supposed to reply?

 

"Gratz on avoiding death"

"Luckily you have all those people in your life who genuinely care about you" (Sarcasm)

"I hope you're okay"

 

In the end I can't figure out what to say and..

 

My whole day was just ruined.

 

I'm not sure if she does this on purpose, but she just knows exactly when/what to say to stop me from moving on. As in, it sucks for you, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

If you figure out how to PM, feel free to contact me.

 

You're not alone.

 

 

 

Hey Jack, i totally understand what you mean, you feel like the responsibility lies on you in the same way that it did when you were in a relationship, now because you dont feel like you know the full story or you dont feel like youve lost control to make a decision that is beneficial for the both of you. Really its worth taking more care of yourself and what you need because if you arent in a position to be there for her and no have yourself together the lines get blurred again or you end up worse off because she has what she needs from you to move on but you dont. I hope youre having better days!

[SilverlinedCloud]

Im glad you found relief. I could never say that to my ex even now, the worst I ever said was calling her an idiot. I can't see how she could have said that to me either which she has a good bit when we were together and worse. I think I would get relief if my ex talked to me so I can get everything off my mind, I wouldn't be asking her back just for closure. I find myself having conversations with her in my mind everyday and what I would say. But she will just ignore me or be very hostile if I contacted her so im forced NC.

 

You wouldnt have said that because you are a different type of man that knows how to seperate anger and frustration from the action of hurting someone. It sucks when you feel like the other person is the key to your salvation and how to live again but you just have to remember that you lived before, this person did most certainly come into my life but and as harsh as it was [the breakup] a lesson had to be learned for my own sake as a sole entity, not as a duo. I havent created a 100% indifference or filter as he can still get in contact if he chooses but for the most part internally i have to occupy myself with thoughts and things that both i and it will benefit from.

Nub, i wanted to say in reference to your own thread that i gets better over time, it really does, how long it lasts will depend [and i know it sounds impossible and out of your control] on how long you want it to last. Come to accept getting in contact will probably raise more questions than provide answers and allow what you dont know to be almost like something that would make no difference. I hope you begin to heal with promise!

[SilverlinedCloud]

It hit me today. . Hes gone.. hes never coming back

After all this time NC I should be happy but I dont think that I am.

 

Okay so he was disrespectful and kept violating my boundaries with failure to understand that after his actions that starting no contact was absolutely inevitable. I guess I did really want him to leave me alone but I just didnt ever think he would. I didnt think he would show his true colors or reveal once again the reasons why we had to breakup - I started romanticizing that we would be these 2 different people that could actually communicate humanely with each other without hurting one another. Turns out even though I was the one he hurt.. that premise coukd only be delivered on his time. I know hes hurting. I understand or maybe i dont.. I just thought he would have understood the need to break the circle of creating drama with each other by cutting contact. And not see it as me plain ignoring him.

 

And even now in my mind all I wanna do is message him and explain my reasons for the NC and thats not what its for?!!! What the hell is wrong with me and why do I still feel the beed to answer and cater to his every whim the way I did previously? ?

 

Gosh this has been such a crap day for me

 

Happy Vets Day everyone

Edited November 12, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud

[SilverlinedCloud]

I went on a random walk today just around my area.. pretty big area. I had my music in and somehow I ended up passing all of "our" landmarks. I sat in the park where we spent hours just talking on the swingset and was damn near close to tears that hes no longer here. So nuch has happened in this time and while it will never go back to the way it was or be the same... I can acknowledge I had to break the painful routine of fight and hurt and go NC additionally.. I guess im still taken aback by his decision to stop all contact which makes it in essence.. final. Yet neither one of us have any better idea as to gaining closure. In saying that I really wanna contact him. Then id just be defeating the purpose of the last 75 days. So im posting here. It doesnt matter if no one replies I just need to know ive made an effort to say how I feel to people whom I dont know that will just give me the same standard advice based off of how they have seen me hurt before.

[toolforgrowth]

Well, let's take a look at the silver lining here.

 

"**** it, **** you." That doesn't sound like someone who's indifferent. That sounds like someone who is pissed at your silence. Someone who is angry that you're so easily (from his point of view) ignoring him. He has no idea of the internal struggles you have sometimes. All he knows is that his attempts to reach you fail.

 

Imagine how much that bothers him. "**** it, **** you," clearly indicates that it's a lot.

 

He stooped to that level, most likely thinking it would result in a response, and yet he still failed. Why would be stoop in the first place? Why would be care enough to do that?

O

Because you have all the power now. Remember that: you are in control of you, and he is not...no matter how much he may want to be. He can never take that away from you.

 

You're doing very well. Keep it up.

[lakerman34]

Relationships are a mess and NC can REALLY bring out real intentions.

 

I was in love with a girl, was friend zoned, went NC, and now she messages me ever so often. Just random conversations, but I take my time replying, and keep my replies short, sweet, NO flirting.

 

The power of NC will be there if you keep telling yourself that it's to MOVE ON, NOT to get your ex to contact you. It's more of a grieving period. You can't properly grieve if they are still present in your reality.

[Dumped85]

Relationships are a mess and NC can REALLY bring out real intentions.

 

I was in love with a girl, was friend zoned, went NC, and now she messages me ever so often. Just random conversations, but I take my time replying, and keep my replies short, sweet, NO flirting.

 

The power of NC will be there if you keep telling yourself that it's to MOVE ON, NOT to get your ex to contact you. It's more of a grieving period. You can't properly grieve if they are still present in your reality.

 

I got friend zoned when my ex broke up with me, being my first. I didn't know how to react.

 

I wish I knew this before I begged, before my family bad mouthed her., and before I contacted her parents. My ex told me that if all that didnt happen. Things wouldve been different. Go figure, she must've realised she had made a mistake

[Dumped85]

Relationships are a mess and NC can REALLY bring out real intentions.

 

I was in love with a girl, was friend zoned, went NC, and now she messages me ever so often. Just random conversations, but I take my time replying, and keep my replies short, sweet, NO flirting.

 

The power of NC will be there if you keep telling yourself that it's to MOVE ON, NOT to get your ex to contact you. It's more of a grieving period. You can't properly grieve if they are still present in your reality.

 

I got friend zoned when my ex broke up with me, being my first. I didn't know how to react.

 

I wish I knew this before I begged, before my family bad mouthed her., and before I contacted her parents. My ex told me that if all that didnt happen. Things wouldve been different. Go figure, she must've realised she had made a mistake

[Dumped85]

Relationships are a mess and NC can REALLY bring out real intentions.

 

I was in love with a girl, was friend zoned, went NC, and now she messages me ever so often. Just random conversations, but I take my time replying, and keep my replies short, sweet, NO flirting.

 

The power of NC will be there if you keep telling yourself that it's to MOVE ON, NOT to get your ex to contact you. It's more of a grieving period. You can't properly grieve if they are still present in your reality.

 

I got friend zoned when my ex broke up with me, being my first. I didn't know how to react.

 

I wish I knew this before I begged, before my family bad mouthed her., and before I contacted her parents. My ex told me that if all that didnt happen. Things wouldve been different. Go figure, she must've realised she had made a mistake

[SilverlinedCloud]

Hey toolforgrowth

 

From your response, i can most certainly see what it is you are saying about his reasoning as well as describing the levels he has stooped to. I really wish it didnt have to be about ego and power struggle. These 75+ days of NC have not been easy as although i should have all the answers through his behavior towards me and lack of concern, ive been relying on other people to tell me what to do. Alot of going NC has been based off of my friends and family begging me not to get myself involved again as well as reminding me of all of the situations that pose as reasons. I understand it and persist with it but then my judgement is clouded because i suddenly forget these reasons then suddenly not too long after that im burnt by his contact again. Its unfortunate that these non eventful situations are showing out his character when hes angry or frustrated. Although its not my responsibility im trying my best to see it from his perspective. He wasnt expecting the end of the relationship to happen when it did and probably feels that he did everything he was supposed to (which is a fallacy). I loved and really did care for him more than i did myself and ive never loved anyone like i have him - thats part of the reason why its so hard to stop talking about him and when he texts.

I know i have the choice, to change my number and to block him and stop checking for his contact, but its like im hurting myself in the process trying to make myself stronger by electing to have him stand in the way.

 

Hey lakerman34

I guess NC loses its power because im scared i wont be moving onto anything. I keep considering his feelings and what he wants as a way of avoiding my indecisiveness as it allows me to live in these feelings that do not reflect reality and what any old person falling out of love would voluntarily elect to forget about and toss aside.

 

I guess all in all i still miss him alot, a part of me feels like some days NC is doing more damage than actual good, but i cant even begin to imagine the turmoil that would be round the corner if after 75+ days i was to break it, especially if all the his actions that led me to NC have anything to go by.

 

Ive started to blame myself for everything, yes he would have treated me like this sooner or later but i feel like we both could have done things better.

 

[SilverlinedCloud]

Im honestly so close to breaking all these days of NC, i received another message after his "**** it, **** you" merely stating "Hi"

Im honestly so confused now. Its like i have all the knowledge yet i want every reason to get hurt anyway. Not as smart as i thought i was.

[Frank13]

Don't do it! 75 days is an awful lot to throw away. The real him is the **** it, **** you. The "Hi" is just trying to sneak back in.

 

At least do this. Wait a little bit. Maybe a few days and see what happens. I bet if you stay NC you will once again get the **** it, **** you, only this time he will escalate it to something even worse. He disrespects you and sounds like a bully if he doesn't get his way. Who wants that?

[SilverlinedCloud]

I get you Frank, i havent been giving myself much credit for the amount of time that has amassed because somehow or someway hes always been in the picture, whether it be because of his intervention or me thinking about/missing him. 80 days will be alot to throw away especially when there are non stop signs that there really has been no change in his behavior.. if he truly understood my reasons for NC he wouldn't apologize for getting angry or frustrated and being abusive... and then resort to anger/frustration once again when no response was initiated. Its been a real struggle and every instance just tells me, we will never get back together. Because and really and truly he will never be able to offer me the relationship and partner that i deserve.

 

My issue now is to how to deal with myself and continue NC rather than making myself feel worse and giving in.

[Froelich87]

Listen to me when I tell you NOT to give in.

 

Words with friends.... found out "she missed me" "never stopped loving me"

 

Long story short... I BROKE 2 months of NC.

 

She asked to meet up for dinner.

 

We ended up back at my place.

 

She clearly stated her intentions that she didn't see a future with me right now and pretty much wanted FWB without labeling it. I was confused and hurt.

 

So what did I do?

 

We had sex.

 

Later that night on the phone she told me a lot of hurtful things... and I STILL FED HER DAMN EGO.

 

She said things like: I'm not using you to get over you or let you go, I don't need you in my life to let you go. I don't regret that I broke up with you. Etc. Etc.

 

This is probably one of the worst broken NC stories ever.

 

60 days ruiend.

 

Although, I got the closure that I needed. The sex really wasn't even that great. It felt weird. All of this made me realize that she wasn't the girl I fell in love with. She's manipulative and selfish. SO hopefully, it makes things a bit easier to finally move on.