When do you stop talking about it?

[compulsivedancer]

A person who is truly remorseful doesn't get off scott free even if their spouse continues to love and cherish them (in fact, kindness and love just amplify the sense of self hatred). A person who required "punishment" is not very sorry on their own. They are the ones that want to rug sweep and pretend the A never happened.

 

The problem is, the BS may not know the the tupe they are married to. Personaly, i would not want to stay with someone who i had to remind that they did a terrible thing. I would rather be with someone who knows they did and feels the pain of it on their own. So, you need to talk, talk. But if you have asked the question, know the answer maybe just tell him it was a rough day instead of asking the same question over that you already know he will answer and maybe you don't like the answer. But I would suggest you throw out the score card and stop thinking not talking about it means he is off the hook or doesn't recieve his just desserts. When you talk or not talk about it, it should not be about punishing him. And the same goes for when he brings up yours.

 

For what it is worth, my faithful H is not in to late night chats. Post or pre affair he would often fall alseep while we were (okay I was) talking about deep things. While I have alwas been a late sharer.

 

When we focus on making new memories, vs talking about the old, it helps H get out of his funk. Sometimes I remind him gently of this. And I have to remind him that we need to DO new things, not just sit and talk. We've always had great conversations, but the sad reality is, when you do something over and over, your brain doesn't store them as new memories with the clarity of new new things that you haven't done before. Doing new things together helps us refocus and feel like there's a future together.

[janedoe67]

And then asked him to answer my question.

 

A few posts up you said you just wanted to be heard, not to have questions answered. Which is it?

[katielee]

Coolit- he's being great! A great husband. As long as we don't talk about anything affair related. He has read one book. He said if he could change the past he'd read a million books but he can't so.... He would love it if I followed Roads advice and never talked about them. I consider that rugs weeping though... So, resentful if we talk about it- him and resentful if we don't talk about it- me. Sigh......

[katielee]

Janedoe, about 4 of the questions are actually questions and 10 are about my feelings of what happened. All could be considered a statement about what I'm feeling such as has their been any more communication with these women...? Did they ever see pictures of our children? To " it hurt so badly to hear about additional dates you had together from the OW and not you."

[katielee]

When we focus on making new memories, vs talking about the old, it helps H get out of his funk. Sometimes I remind him gently of this. And I have to remind him that we need to DO new things, not just sit and talk. We've always had great conversations, but the sad reality is, when you do something over and over, your brain doesn't store them as new memories with the clarity of new new things that you haven't done before. Doing new things together helps us refocus and feel like there's a future together.

 

We do lots of things together- some old and new and have great things we share. In my head it's all tempered with the infidelities and "for I leave I guess I'll have to give up this activity or these couple friends". We're empty nesters with some money, lots of options... I fear settling here. And just making a pros and cons list, especially considering he had made no grand repentant gesture.

[road]

Coolit- he's being great! A great husband. As long as we don't talk about anything affair related. He has read one book. He said if he could change the past he'd read a million books but he can't so.... He would love it if I followed Roads advice and never talked about them. I consider that rugs weeping though... So, resentful if we talk about it- him and resentful if we don't talk about it- me. Sigh......

 

 

Having a WS answer every question about an affair is not rug sweeping.

 

You have every answer. What you are doing is not rug sweeping but rug beating till the rug is just torn to shreds.

[whichwayisup]

well, it feels like I've lost if I stay. It feels like I'm saying "what you did was ok."

 

You haven't forgiven him and you're not sure if he's forgiven you.

 

Basically you two are two little rabbits waiting to be blown out of that rabbit hole!

 

Either decide together once and for all to let it go and focus on reconnecting and growing together as a couple, remember why you two fell in love and got married OR, separate and see how living apart goes.

 

To stay and keep on rehashing it is not good for either or you. Gotta be on the same page and each of you must be willing to work together 100%, let stuff go and focus on healing well.

[katielee]

Talking about it once a month is not rehashing it all the time or rug beating. At 1.5 years out it's probably less than most ppl, considering three betrayals. I will talk about it as I need to and he can leave if he doesn't like it.

I guess I answered my own question to this topic post.

I certainly don't mind if he brings what I did up

Edited October 29, 2013 by katielee
Wrong word

[BetrayedH]

I'm always a bit hesitant to tread into these threads because my reconciliation failed. I also disagree with Road. But then again, my R failed because my wife was not truly remorseful and was still lying. I think that was why I was unable to "let it go." I also think some of the waywards here assume your H is truly remorseful (like the are) and so reminders of the affair feel like punishment. I think your H considers you "even." Big difference. I think NotCamelot's wife is also truly remorseful. Once you're convinced of that, I think it's easier to believe that rehashing is not helpful. Again, I don't think that's the case. Your H is dismissive and yes, threatening.

 

Some practical suggestions since you and I seem to be of like-mind on the subject...

 

Owl once recommended structuring time to discuss the affair. Set days, times, and duration. Stick to the guidelines; end on time. And celebrate the successful conversation afterwards with something you both like. As I recall, they shared ice cream.

 

My wife also felt that rehashing was punishing. One other method we used was a journal. When I had questions, I wrote them in a journal and left them on her nightstand. She would return it to mine when she was done. It eliminated some of the late-night, all-night discussions and gave each person time to formulate a well-thought response.

 

Just something to consider.

[katielee]

thanks betrayed, great advice...

[BetrayedH]

thanks betrayed, great advice...

 

Well, I also think that if your H continues to rugsweep you should divorce his sorry ass and spend your money traveling. There's difference between reconciling and just staying married.

 

And this is coming from a guy that had a revenge affair.

Edited October 29, 2013 by BetrayedH

[beatcuff]

if i understand OP's complaint --- she asked a question and he did not 'properly' respond and OP is now upset he 'won'.

 

if it was important why did you wait until bedtime, especially because A happen/known months ago(?). if a partner 'falls' asleep during a conversation either they were exhausted (in this case shame on you) or don't care (don't they just 'pretend' to be sleeping).

[BetrayedH]

if i understand OP's complaint --- she asked a question and he did not 'properly' respond and OP is now upset he 'won'.

 

if it was important why did you wait until bedtime, especially because A happen/known months ago(?). if a partner 'falls' asleep during a conversation either they were exhausted (in this case shame on you) or don't care (don't they just 'pretend' to be sleeping).

 

In my situation, life kept going regardless of when I had questions. Frequently, we were both at work all day, dealt with dinner, extracurriculars, homework, and kids' bedtimes. After the kids were in bed (and in the privacy of our bedroom) was the only good time to talk. And then my wife made similar excuses about being tired at the end of a long day, etc.. It's bullshi t. Want to reconcile after having an affair? Dropped a nuke on your marriage? Be prepared to help clean up the mess and quit complaining about the timing of the clean-up.

[katielee]

if i understand OP's complaint --- she asked a question and he did not 'properly' respond and OP is now upset he 'won'.

.

 

he responded so improperly I couldn't believe it. I asked him why he did something and he responded: why did you? When this type of communication has been hammered home by IC and MC that's it's not the healthy way to respond, it's pretty disappointing...

and yes, if you've had two affairs, you better be ready for any question, any time... I am.

[BetrayedH]

Having a WS answer every question about an affair is not rug sweeping.

 

You have every answer. What you are doing is not rug sweeping but rug beating till the rug is just torn to shreds.

 

Screw the rug. Set it on fire and clean up the damn dirt under there.

[road]

Screw the rug. Set it on fire and clean up the damn dirt under there.

 

 

I do not see the purpose in having sex with the rug. So I will leave screwing the rug to you.

 

However I will point out once the dirt has been cleaned. There is no more dirt to clean. Cleaning again and again will gather no more dirt.

 

Work that yields no more results is work that is not worth pursuing.

[beatcuff]

... When this type of communication has been hammered home by IC and MC that's it's not the healthy way to respond, it's pretty disappointing...

and yes, if you've had two affairs, you better be ready for any question, any time... I am.

 

WRONG. if you REALLY want a meaningful conversation then the timing has to be REASONABLE.

 

Your H is going into his annual review at his job, you do DEMAND answers then? your parent just passed away, then? your child needs emotional support, then? hell, you are giving birth, then?

 

this did not happen yesterday or last month or in the past year. face it you want the higher ground and sandbag the conversations so you can have it.

 

there is no R here --- just a competition to look better to those outside.

[road]

Janedoe, about 4 of the questions are actually questions and 10 are about my feelings of what happened. All could be considered a statement about what I'm feeling such as has their been any more communication with these women...? Did they ever see pictures of our children? To " it hurt so badly to hear about additional dates you had together from the OW and not you."

 

 

It is one thing to ask if the kids met the AP.

 

To ask did the WS show the AP pictures of the kids is a non issue. So the AP knows what your kids look like.

 

This type of questioning is using "having to know about the affair" as a front to punish their WS.

 

So is your next question going to be how cute did the AP think your kids are?

 

To know about how they met, where they went, how the affair ended, the dates, the sex, how they contacted each other, to see texts, read the emails. That is learning about the affair.

 

Once you have heard it all. The only reason to rehash is if things need clarification, or as new info causes you to question previous answers. Though once you have your answers to just keep asking is wrong.

 

It is the BS self flagellating themselves with one hand. While beating their WS with their other hand.

[katielee]

 

To ask did the WS show the AP pictures of the kids is a non issue.

 

.

 

maybe in your head. In mine it's a dealbreaker.

[katielee]

 

there is no R here --- just a competition to look better to those outside.

 

what outside?

I'm sure I wouldn't ask questions in those situations but I do feel I have the right to ask at other times, most times...

 

there is no time limit on hurt. if I need an answer to a question in 10 years or to express hurt over a trigger, i'll do it.

[janedoe67]

what outside?

I'm sure I wouldn't ask questions in those situations but I do feel I have the right to ask at other times, most times...

 

there is no time limit on hurt. if I need an answer to a question in 10 years or to express hurt over a trigger, i'll do it.

 

Then don't expect to recover. But I suspect recovery is not what you want. What you want is for him to do penance forever. Which I MIGHT be able to see if you hadn't had your own affair.

 

Bedtime is a HORRIBLE time for any type of tense conversation.

[katielee]

JaneDoes - you're supporting the tit for tat thing. So I shoulnt' expect much because I did it too? Really?

 

I don't want him to do penance forever. i do not see him asking me questions as penance at all. I see it as a way to discuss things intimately and honestly.

[janedoe67]

JaneDoes - you're supporting the tit for tat thing. So I shoulnt' expect much because I did it too? Really?

 

I don't want him to do penance forever. i do not see him asking me questions as penance at all. I see it as a way to discuss things intimately and honestly.

 

Then don't ask him in bed - the place where you are supposed to be intimate - right before he falls asleep. Easy peasy.

[katielee]

Then don't ask him in bed - the place where you are supposed to be intimate - right before he falls asleep. Easy peasy.

 

this I agree with....

 

The thing is, if we don't occasionally discuss our hurts or occasional triggers, we're right back where we started - conflict avoidance.

[velvette]

We have not set a limited time. I'm willing to do that. another accommodation for him.

 

Its not about accommodating him although much of M is an accommodation for each other unless you are the rare couple who thinks and behaves identically.

 

This win/lose scorekeeping thing is very bad for your M and ultimately you as well.

 

There's you, him and then the M which is something larger than the two of you.

 

The goal should be what is good for the M. You can either be right or you can be successful at your M.

 

I think I've said this to you before, but I think your focus/time would be better spent in the affirmative........i.e. hammering out together exactly what you want your M to look like for both of you to be happy.

 

In order to do that you will both have to bend, stretch, give up old behaviors, learn new ones. Keeping score is not going to get you anywhere you want to be.