Am I blind?

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

I'm dating someone I really like, and I've been burned so many times, I've already overreacted to some innocent things. In every case, I was clearly and utterly proven to be upset without cause. He's a really good guy, I truly believe.

 

Yesterday, though, we went out for brunch, and I'm so hurt and confused, I can't make heads or tails of anything.

 

So, the waitress had already stopped by our table twice, to take drink orders and ask if we were ready to order food.

 

The third time she came by, my boyfriend asked what her favorites were. She leaned over to him, standing right up beside him, her leg literally resting on his arm holding the menu. I noticed then glanced back down to my menu.

 

I looked back up, and her leg was still pressed up against him, and he moved his arm, not in toward his own body, but outward, grazing her inner thigh with his elbow.

 

He wasn't looking at me, but she was. She looked up, saw me glaring straight at their touching bodies, and moved a good three/four feet from the table.

 

There was plenty of space for her to NOT be leaning ON him. She didn't molest the ugly man at the table next to us when taking his order.

 

My boyfriend and I both have flirtatious attitudes, but I don't rub up on people. Is this sort of thing harmless and okay? He's telling me that I'm crazy, that that didn't even happen. Is this possible? Did I catch a weird angle? Am I misinterpreting? If he did do this, am I overreacting? Is my heartache uncalled for? Could I be seeing things from two feet away and actually be wrong? Is it not a big deal? Could I have fabricated this? Am I insane? Am I blind?

[jphcbpa]

was it something more what the waitress did and he was not really paying attention to her actions and he was focused on the menu?

 

how long have you two been dating?

 

is there a history or pattern from him?

 

are you the jealous type?

[Chi townD]

Meh....sometimes guys are EXTREMELY clueless to when they're getting hit on. Subtle hint's aren't our thing. Especially, we would never really think of someone being so brazen to do something like that when it's obvious that he's with a girl.

 

It happened to me once in a restaurant. Me and the wife were out for dinner and after the meal, we got into the car and she said, "We're never going back there again!" I asked why. She said, " You didn't notice the waitress was TOTALLY flirting with you?!?!" I was like, no! Because, I REALLY didn't notice it. So, I asked her what her idea of flirting was. She was like, "Lets see, she only talked to me once to get my order. She was bent down and looking over your shoulder at the menu with you (sound familiar), anytime she came back to the table she only and always addressed you flashing that smile and playing with her hair....

 

I said the most stupid thing I could have ever said, "Damn, I should have left a bigger tip!" She knew I was joking but that still cost me a punch in the arm, the silent treatment for a little while, no sex for a few days and a dozen roses.

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

Dating 10 months. He has never done anything untoward or unkind. I don't think that I'm jealous. I just don't trust anybody to not do messed up stuff sometimes. I would be able to process and forgive this if he admitted it, but he's saying that I'm crazy, so I just feel more crazy

 

I've been DEEPLY scarred by close relationships. I have an unreliable mother, father, and sister, each of whom has done disgusting things to me, belittled me as a human being, taken me for granted, and left me in the cold. My father cheated on my mother, and I'm currently struggling with recent family issues, possibly making me much more suggestible and sensitive. ?

 

My one and only ex abused me physically and emotionally, and I don't have any idea how a good relationship works. I wouldn't know one if it smacked me in the face.

 

My current boyfriend, though, is always mature and nurturing, communicative and caring. I can't see him doing things to be malicious, but I feel like whenever I open up to people about my horrible history and my vulnerability, they enjoy taking advantage. Call me "crazy", and I have to drop the whole thing because I'm not sane enough to argue that I'm not. People say I'm really cute when I'm sad. I constantly fear that men will hurt me simply for my "adorable" reaction to heartbreak.

 

It could have been the waitress' fault and he was oblivious, I suppose. She definitely incited the contact, and remained, weaving back and forth against his arm.

 

I think that SHE thought he was flirting because he's charming, so she tried to garner more attention. Then, I don't know if he got swept up in a moment and reciprocated or what, but I was watching like a hawk, so she stepped away.

 

Maybe he was clueless to it.

 

He got incredibly upset with me for LOOKING SAD (aka "pouting") at the table throughout the rest of the meal. I CANNOT hide my emotions, and I wanted to cry the whole time. He was SO MAD at me. I thought that was unfair because I saw what I saw, and he's claiming I didn't. I DON'T WANT pain and drama. I didn't INVENT this situation nor hope for something to whine about. I saw what I saw, and it still hurts

 

Is the fact that he's mad at me for being hurt a sign of something?

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

and i think its weird that you say you have been dating and somewhere else you call it bf???????????? thats a problem. it means you dont know if he is your bf.

 

and especially if you are not long in the relationship he shouldnt be doing stuff like that atoll!!!!!!!!

 

It's actually interesting that you say that. I use the term "boyfriend" loosely. We are in an exclusive relationship, not seeing anybody else, but he's only 20 months out of a very long-term relationship, so he's not quite ready for The Title.

 

We're taking things quite slowly.

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

if you say both of you are flirtatious 'personality' , you make difficult for us also for yourself ,

 

because people ant take you serious and would say well you are and you think its okay so why complain?\\

and how are you going to draw a line if you find it normal to be like that?

 

and its clear that you want to say it like its something you are okay with.

while its clear that you are not.

 

and i dont hear you being happy about this and he is not taking you serious.

so maybe you should draw line.

and if he doesnt respect you leave him.

and why would he ask the girl instead of you?

 

 

 

i think you would make your life easier if you just make clear if you are okay with that kind of behavior or not.

instead of saying this is okay but that is not in flirting. because is it anyway okay for your guy to keep flirting with others?

 

 

 

 

I don't touch people. I just smile and look engrossed in what people are saying, and people think I'm flirting. Same with him. It could APPEAR that we're flirting, when we're just talking. But touching is MORE than flirting. Rubbing your arm on a girl's thigh as she hovers over you, is beyond flirting

[stillafool]

 

I've been DEEPLY scarred by close relationships. I have an unreliable mother, father, and sister, each of whom has done disgusting things to me, belittled me as a human being, taken me for granted, and left me in the cold. My father cheated on my mother, and I'm currently struggling with recent family issues, possibly making me much more suggestible and sensitive. ?

 

My one and only ex abused me physically and emotionally, and I don't have any idea how a good relationship works. I wouldn't know one if it smacked me in the face.

 

 

 

 

 

I think you should seek therapy about your issues mentioned above. I think you will have these jealousy problems with anyone you are involved with until you seek help. It is not your boyfriends fault that this waitress was coming on to him. Why didn't you tell her to to move her leg since she was the one at fault instead of getting angry with him?

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

Plz, read my latest response.

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

I think you should seek therapy about your issues mentioned above. I think you will have these jealousy problems with anyone you are involved with until you seek help. It is not your boyfriends fault that this waitress was coming on to him. Why didn't you tell her to to move her leg since she was the one at fault instead of getting angry with him?

 

She moved when she looked at me and saw my face. I only became upset with him because I saw his arm move toward her inner thigh instead of OFF of her body.

 

Believe me, I want to punch the waitress in her face.

[KatZee]

I too agree that you need to seek some sort of counseling for your issues.

 

I don't think it's fair of you to project your hurt, and your pain and your past experiences onto your boyfriend. As of now, he hasn't done a thing to intentionally hurt you in any way.

 

Sometimes guys are REALLY dense, and REALLY stupid. The waitress may have crossed the line, maybe for a larger tip, maybe because she's naturally flirty or maybe because she's a nasty woman. Who knows. But you CANNOT control other people. She acted inappropriately in your eyes, but you should have not made such a blatant display because of it.

 

The only person you can control is yourself, and you NEED to get your emotions under control. It is NOT OK to behave that way in public, it's extremely off putting, immature, and I'm sure was very embarrassing for your boyfriend. Grown women don't sit at a table in a restaurant "pouting." It's also not OK to accuse him of things due to your own insecurity. Eventually he's going to get real tired of your behavior, after 10 months I'm kind of shocked he hasn't already.

 

All of this being said, I don't think it is right for your boyfriend to have called you "crazy" if he knows your past history. I think this is showing he's getting fed up with this behavior, and you're walking a fine line now.

 

Your first step is to seek help. You really need to start working on your past problems so you're able to function properly and have a healthy relationship. Whether you guys remain together, I have no idea. But if you two do eventually split and you start dating again, I think it's a good idea to keep some of your history to yourself. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to tell people all of these things, and to make yourself so vulnerable. To go over it and to keep rehashing these things also keeps you living in the past. Start living in the now, getting through being abused by people and work towards being a stronger person.

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

I know you're right. I truly have no hold over my emotions and that is another reason we are keeping the relationship a bit less concrete in title. We're burg working through our pasts. He's in therapy. I'm not but know I need to be. I'm working on that today actually. Thank you all for your advice. I should probably leave him alone and not date for a while. Right?

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

Also, I said "pouting" because that's how he referred to it. To me, it was a sad face because I can't just be fake and smile when I feel heartbroken. And that's how I honestly felt. I watched carefully as he fiddled his elbow along her inner thigh. It hurts to even say or think about. Just because someone has never done something like this in front of me before, doesn't mean it's impossible

 

The other times I've been upset with him were due to misunderstandings of the situation and a miscommunication. I'm NOT crazy. I don't try to start fights. **** happens, and I don't always keep my cool or have the best responses, but I'm honest and forthcoming and apologetic when wrong

 

I don't even know if I'm communicating this well at all

[KatZee]

You say he's in therapy. Does he have issues as well? I don't think two unhealthy people make a good relationship at all. I think you both need to be in therapy, really focus on yourselves for a while, not this relationship. Things probably get blown out of proportion on both ends here.

 

If you two genuinely care about each other, then why not put the brakes on dating and just get healthy as individuals first and THEN come back together?

[LoveLornAndLostInLA]

That's what I'm going to do

 

Thanks

 

:'(