does electronic infedility warranty strong reaction ? Please advice...

[holden]

Hi,

 

I am facing a problem and needed some advice as to what i should do .

 

i have been married 2 years and 4 months. no kids. my wife and i had been living happily without any problems or tensions until about 3 months back. about 3 months back, my wife started behaving strangely. she was getting up in the middle of the night at around 1 or 2 am and chatting on the computer which is located in another room. at first she told me she was chatting with a relative and because we are from India and because of the time difference it was possible. once on a sunday when she was chatting , she immidiately closed the window each time i stepped in the room. i got suspicious and checked her email that night. sure enough, there was extremely intimate mail with a guy in india who had gone to school with her. i asked her whom she has been chatting with and what is the purpose of the chat without giving any information i had. at first she denied everything , but when i asked several times, she said its an old admirer of hers and she will ask him to stop immediately. although it was not true, i didnt stress on the point thinking that i need to give her a chance to sort everything out .

 

but it didnt stop. the chatting stopped, but they continued to talk over the phone (every day when she drove to work- international call from US to India) and continued the email but this time on a different account. about a week later, i confronted her again . i said i knew what was going on , i told her i knew she hadnt stopped and took away her phone . i screamed at her and she cried adn repaeatedly told me that she wont contact him again . not surprisingly, the guy called on the cell the next morning expecting to speak with her. I spoke to him and told him to lay off and never contact her again . he said he would not.

 

still, nothing changed, usuing phone cards (it shows up on the credit card), they continued talking and emailing each other . i blew up. i hacked my computer, got a copy of all the emails that had been sent between the two and sent the guy a copy threatening him that i will email those to his wife in india if he does not back off for good. that seemed to have done the trick. my wife cried buckets owning up and saying that she had made a big mistake and that this wouldnt happen again. she asked me to give her another chance. considering that nothing had physically happened between the two (as the guy was in India), i thoughti would let it go because i love my wife and because i thought that she wont make that mistake again.

 

i was wrong. just 2 weeks after that episode, i catch my wife having a similar conversation with another guy she went went out with when in india and who now lives in washington DC. i have confronted her again and again she says she is very apologetic and hasnt stopped crying for 2 days. she is practically begging me to give her another chance.

 

i dont know what to do . although nothing physical has happended yet in this case, does electronic infedility warranty strong reaction on my part ? what would be the appropriate thing to do ???

 

Please advice.....

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry what you are going through. She is in fact cheating on you and trying to have her emotional needs met through different men. This is totally unacceptable. She is disrespecting you and insulting you and your marriage. It seems that she does not feel any serious consequences from you because she continue to do this. I strongly suggest marriage counseling. The bottom line you have to ask yourself is are you willing to constantly have your wife engage in intimate conversations with other men. How could you possibly respect your wife and your marriage if this is allowed to continue. I would suggest that the next time this happens you sent her away for a week or you leave and show her the consequences to her behavior. I wish you luck.

[uberfrau]

You haven't said what your wife talked about with this guy. You act like she has having some really hot sex talk with him. Maybe they have a common interest-you people act as if men and women cannot be friends with each toerh. Would you feel the same if she spoke on the phone with a female friend?

 

SO WHAT if she speaks to another man!

 

All you people here need to get over your petty jealousies.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by holden ..

i told her i knew she hadnt stopped and took away her phone . i screamed at her and she cried adn repaeatedly told me that she wont contact him again .

 

This sounds like you are very controlling and domineering in the relationship. (Unless, of course, she is permitted to take away your phone and scream at you until you cry. )

 

It could be that you are not meeting your wife's emotional needs, and she is looking for emotional support elsewhere.

 

Consider getting into some marriage counseling. When both partners are having their needs met in an intimate and loving relationship, there is no room for other people.

 

[Owl]

Hang on a minute here. Think about this. She's having "intimate" emails with someone (at least two people that he's aware of), and making phone calls to these other guys EVERY DAY.

 

This is still infidelity. It doesn't matter if the OP is in India, or what. It's STILL her being emotionally (and perhaps sexually, depending on what's being discussed) unfaithful to him. If she's saying things that she's HIDING from him, then yes, he's got every right to be hurt and upset. It has nothing to do with being domineering...it has to do with being INTIMATE only with your spouse.

 

A lot of you have read my posts, and know my story. Holden, if you haven't, then go check out what happened in my case at this link... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ .

 

When I confronted my wife, she almost left me for the other guy she was chatting/emailing/calling. I don't know your situation completely, but don't feel like your fear, and hurt are any less real than other's, just because what happened was on the internet. If you lived next door to these guys, everyone would agree that its an affair.

 

If your wife is TRULY ready to fix your marriage, then get into counseling NOW. Get both personal and couple counseling, and start working out what is the REAL problem in your marriage. You need to find out what it was she felt she was getting from them that she wasn't getting from you.

 

Hang in there...it hurts, but you CAN work through this.

[dude X]

I do think there is reason for concern. The big tip off is that she was lying about it. It it were truely no big deal, why lie about it? If it were a healthy friendship it would not be kept a secret from you. Overall I am suspicious if men and women can be just friends especially in the context that the friendship is kept secret from spouses and emotional issues are being shared. Even if the friendship is public it has been my experience that if the "2 friends" start spending time alone trouble ensues. So i say you are lucky these men are far away. But also if it were truely harmless why did the 1st man stop after threats to talk to his wife? Sounds like a rat to me, that fella obviously felt he did not want his wife to know. How healthy can that be?

I do suggest to you that giving her commands to stop may not be the most effective tactic. It has apparently not worked as it is. You need to ask questions and let her answer. Ask about these conversations, ask her why she kept it a secret, ask her why she likes them so much. Be honest about your feelings. Tell her you feel hurt about these conversations and her secrecy. I bet you work alot, maybe you have neglected her a bit and she feels she is getting needed attention from these other online men. Do you take an interest in her day? Ask her about her day. Do you make sure to tell her you love her and you think she's pretty? You could start emailing her from your job.

I also suggest doing research on how to have good communication in relationships, this is sensitive material and needs to be fully discussed in a calm civilised manner. You both have feelings and needs which need to be fully explored but as I see it you just yelling commands to stop and her sitting there crying does nothing. She needs to feel comfortable to discuss it all. If all you do is get a crying response from her you are learning nothing. But yes goto some counseling and do research and get some books on the topic. I say again you are lucky these fellas are only online, you have a chance to build your relationship to new levels without having to cope with physical infidelity. Be wary of any of any man who wants to be alone with your wife. And besides that is the best way to seduce a woman is to get close to her emotionally she'll fall in love and want to reward him with sex. For some reason, you'll have to discover, I do say she is prone to having an affair. But you gotta keep calm and try not to freak out. Have a conversation were she says as much as you do. She's gotta be able to say everything on her mind and not feel afraid. Good luck man it could've been much worse.

[Pocky]

Have you asked your wife why she is talking with men online? Have you asked her what she gains from these interactions? Have you asked her if she's happy? Have you asked her anything that would explain why she's doing it?

[holden]

Thanks a lot for all your posts. I am very grateful to all of you who have shared their feelings and thoughts . I have taken up your advice and as most of you suggested, we are going for counselling tomorrow.

 

i also am aware of the need to ask her y she is doing this. i asked this several times and she said she doesnt know. maybe she was not prepared to answer that. someone has mentioned that maybe I neglect her and dont spend time with her . that would have been too easy to fix. on the contrary, i have a 9 to 5 job (with weekends off) and she is doing her medical residency . so she is the one who is not able to give much time to me. because she comes home late and is tired, i do the cooking most of the weekdays. i have been doing that since I got married. you may find this hard to believe but i have always been at home to hug her before she comes back from work. i have taken her out to vacations, dinners and brought her everything she asked for. for 4 months her parents were with us here in the US and i have treated them with the same respect i would have my parents.

 

it is possible she doesnt find me exciting enough (although i can say i am sensitive and caring in every respect) and craved for adventure of some sort. but that does not allow her to write pornographic emails to others. i have been extremely lucky that the guys are not from town or else, i shudder to think waht could have happened.

 

what i needed was some direction in dealing with this matter. i see a light at the end of the tunnel. like some of you have suggested, i will stop being dominating or force things . i will be talking to her about what she actually wants from me and go ahead with that. i also hope that counselling will help bring out what she actually thinks and how she wants to go about with this.

 

i need all you wishes to see me though this .

 

Ever Grateful ....

[Ladyjane14]

I have found in my own situation that it is helpful to concentrate your attention on addressing your spouse's needs. Like you would for a person who was sick.

 

I found when I turned my full attention on my spouse that he had stess and medical problems that had not been fully addressed. He didn't feel like he could count on me. He didn't feel like the #1 priority in my life.

 

Even when you think that you are doing all the right things, sometimes you have it wrong. Communication is the key to identifying the problems.

 

She won't tell you what she needs if she feels like you are her adversary. As hard as it is, when the one you love is in trouble, you sometimes have to put your own feelings aside for a little while.

 

Going to counseling will be a great start. But be patient. Just like a bird feeding from your hand, you'll have to coax her along for awhile. You've probably lost her emotional trust somewhere along the way.

 

Good luck.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by dude X

I do think there is reason for concern. Overall I am suspicious if men and women can be just friends especially in the context that the friendship is kept secret from spouses and emotional issues are being shared. Even if the friendship is public it has been my experience that if the "2 friends" start spending time alone trouble ensues. .

 

I agree with this. While your wife has not done anything physical with these men, she has deceived you and lied repeatedly. I know exactly how you must be feeling as I've been through a similar thing of being told it had all ended only to find that it was ongoing. It is pure hell.

 

There is a lot written on this site about how the cheater's emotional needs were not being met and while that might be true in some cases, I don't believe that that is always the case.

 

In cases where the MM/MW meets with the other person and intends to have a full-blown relationship with that person, I can see that that is probably due to some deficit in the marriage. However, I think that 'a one explanation fits all' is too simplistic.

 

I think in cases where the people are e-mailing, texting etc and do not meet, that his is about ego and power. Your wife may not have had any intention of taking it further with these men but such IM episodes can make people feel really powerful and what an ego boost it must be!

 

I'm not sure if you should blame yourself for what happened. What I would say though, is that your wife seems to be addicted to it? Sorry, if this does not sit well on this board - just my thoughts.

 

Sylvia

[SoleMate]

Great advice from dude X. Yes, the OP has a big reason to be concerned. To affair proof your marriage, please check out <URL removed> and learn how you should discover and meet each other's most important emotional needs.

[rabidfan]

1

[rabidfan]

just to reply to the question in the topic, I would say electronic infidelity without a doubt warrants a strong reaction.

knowing from personal experience having frequented every manner of chat room when I was younger, doing things

like cybersex and phone sex, and even meeting a few of the girls I chatted with..I can say that sometimes

the connection you make online is often stronger than in person. there is none of the physical abberations to worry about,

your imagination can make the other person perfect. and since there is nothing to do but communicate, you can really

get to feel you know a person in very little time.

 

i would also submit that you should be worried that your wife cannot give you a real reason why she did this. it may be possible she

knows the reason and doesn't feel comfortable and trusting enough with you - which is scary - to bring to you something concrete

that you can both work on improving so your relationship is better. if she's continued to do this knowing how hurt it has made you

and how bad it wrecks the relationship without having a solid reason..i would have a hard time imagining a future of any substance with

your wife..who knows when the next whim will strike her?

 

i also agree about keeping secrets. your marriage is to a person who is your rock, your source of stability, the person you spend all your life with, your best friend. if she can't be comfortable enough to share every part of her life with you, good or bad, that's serious cause for concern. I am in a simular situation myself and missed these warning signs.

[HarveyOrHarv]

You need to stop procrastinating and take this seriously. Just because your wife is chatting with men in India today doesn't mean she won't find a local man tomorrow. And it never stops at just "chatting". I've met gals online and chatted with only friendly intentions only to find it turning into a serious intimate relationship entirely by accident. And if my wife ever suspected, I know I can say it was just a few emails and nothing more. Take this seriously and don't put it off any longer. It's later than you think.

 

-Harvey

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by uberfrau

You haven't said what your wife talked about with this guy. You act like she has having some really hot sex talk with him. Maybe they have a common interest-you people act as if men and women cannot be friends with each toerh. Would you feel the same if she spoke on the phone with a female friend?

 

SO WHAT if she speaks to another man!

 

All you people here need to get over your petty jealousies.

 

This isn't about petty jealousy - this is about a wife sneaking around in the middle of the night, chatting with another man...it's about her going behind her husband's back, despite her promise she'd stop, and continuing to communicate with him......it's about her continually promising to stop but not keeping her word. If it was all "harmless" then she wouldn't be sneaking around, promising to stop but continuing....getting phone cards to try and hide what she's doing - and the first dude would have had respect for the poster here, when told to knock it off.

 

Married couples have no business surfing the internet trying to find members of the opposite sex to chat with...that's often how emotional infidelity and affairs start. If she's merely just looking for a friend back home, why doesn't she speak with women? Why just men? And let's face it ,the first guy was an old flame of hers........not just some random Joe.

 

She's obviously looking for something that she's not getting in her marriage, or thinks she's not getting.

 

I'd be curious to know if theirs was an arranged marriage......as is often part of east Indian culture..and maybe in her heart she isn't happy.

[holden]

what indigo_moon thinks is right. yes, mine was an arranged marriage. i am not sure how familiar you are with east indian culture but like you said, arranged marraiges are comman there and are surprisingly durable. we are seeing a counsellor now and have had a few sessions already. but even for the counsellor, this is a special case, as he is trying to understand the arranged marraige dynamics.

 

things have been smooth for last 2-3 weeks. she has been saying that he is committed to our relationship and says it will not happen again. of course, from my side, i am still in the processes of building and regaining trust , so i cant say i believe her words . i can just hope she is truthful. i understand that she can continue communicating with those guys and i may never know about it, but it is also possible that she means what she is saying. at this point, i am giving her the benefit of the doubt. not doing that would effectively mean the end of our marriage.

 

she says we drifted apart over the past few months and that she has been stressed out with work . i think she is trying to say that these are the reasons y she started talking intimately with other guys. i feel she should have talked to me about it if she felt that way. anywya, i am trying to set things right from my end now. but i still feel, being stressed is no justification for betraying the trust of someone who is married to you.

[Owl]

Holden- Both you and your wife both need to realize that trust takes TIME and WORK on both parts to rebuild. It cannot and will not happen over night.

 

She has to let you "monitor" her activities...her life has to be an open book. No secrets, no lies, nothing hidden. She has to willingly allow you to access her phone, her computer, her emails, everything if she wants to demonstrate to you that she has indeed changed. I would still recommend keeping spyware on her computer too...all the better if she doesn't know its there.

 

This really ISN'T intended to catch her in a lie...because you really do feel that she has/is changed. What it DOES do is give you the evidence you need to see that change has happened and has stayed. If you don't verify that she's kept her word, how do you really know that she has?

 

Hopefully you've read my original thread, as it sounds a lot like your situation. I continued to check my wife's email for months after her online affair came out...not because I didn't believe her, but because there was no other way I could SEE that she was being honest with me. I will even admit that I checked her email this past weekend once...for the first time in about two months...because I figured if the OM she had been with would break down and send her something, it would happen over the holidays. Found nothing...which is exactly what I really expected to find. Which again makes me realize and trust that what we've got going on now is real!

 

So, just some things for you to think about. She has to prove to you that she's changed...and she has to let you see that proof. If she doesn't feel that's fair, then remind her that what she's done wasn't fair to you...and that if she wants to prove to you that she has changed, then she needs to do this or come up with a better idea.

 

Good luck friend.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by uberfrau

You haven't said what your wife talked about with this guy. You act like she has having some really hot sex talk with him. Maybe they have a common interest-you people act as if men and women cannot be friends with each toerh. Would you feel the same if she spoke on the phone with a female friend?

 

SO WHAT if she speaks to another man!

 

All you people here need to get over your petty jealousies.

 

If it were just normal talk, she wouldn't have lied about it or crept around behind her man's back, would she? She would have just said "Oh, I'm talking to my friend from school - do you want to say hello to him?" or something similar. A white lie is one thing, but continually lying and covering something up is what people do when they feel *guilty* about a behaviour. It is out of line and not something anyone with an iota of self-respect should tolerate.

 

You are extremely naive if you think this is the behaviour of someone who is "just friends".

[hooghie]

Originally posted by holden

what indigo_moon thinks is right. yes, mine was an arranged marriage. i am not sure how familiar you are with east indian culture but like you said, arranged marraiges are comman there and are surprisingly durable.

 

I've always found it interesting how well arranged marriages work where in the west, we choose our mates and the divorce is so high. I think part of the reason is because the expectations of marriage are different.

I think problems come in though when people live in the U.S. and see that everywhere around them- people choose their spouces and are able to be with people they actually love.

 

Is it possible that your wife was actually in love with another man, but was forced to marry you because of the culture, family, etc.? I also wonder if the reason she cries is because she is fearful of what her family would think if you guys divorce and the truth comes out MORE than because she really wants to work things out with you. I don't mean to sound harsh- I just wonder if she will eventually give into her feelings and you will have a great deal more pain than you do now.

 

 

good luck...