Am I being paranoid? Classic question

[Claire83]

So, here goes:

 

I've been married for 2 years. I never had any reason to think my husband cheats until (maybe) now.

 

A year ago my husband added an ex-girlfriend on facebook. He'd told me about her before, briefly. He had also told me, a couple of months before, that her mother, which was his friend on facebook (apparently they all got along really well) had told him, via chat, that she (the ex) was divorced now and that it would be great if they got in touch again, since it had been so long - even if she meant like friends, I didn't like it.

 

Two months later, the ex created a facebook account and added him (or he added her - I don't know). I wasn't happy about it (and she's beautiful, argh) but didn't want to sound like the jealous type and tried not to think much of it. After all, it had been years and I would think it would be normal for them to get in touch.

 

It started to bother me how she started to "like" all his posts and he would like her pics too - not the ones where she's alone, but her kids pics, things tha she writes like "having dinner at xxx restaurant" and things like that.

 

She lives in a different state, but still...I told him about it and he said I was paranoid.

 

In May this year I checked our computer's history and found they'd been chatting just a few days before, and that he'd been going through her profile checking lots of pics. So I asked him, as if I hadn't seen that, if he had talked to her lately. He got a bit uncomfortable and said no. I said: your computer history says otherwise. He said "I must have forgotten then, or it was something unimportant maybe". So I said: if it's nothing, sure you don't mind me taking a look. He refused and turned things against me.

 

(whether it was something not proper or he new I'd flip even if it was a "normal"conversation - but if it was, he shouldn't have a problem letting me see it).

 

He still likes her posts but she doesn't interact with him anymore, nor does she "likes" his stuff - if they do interact it's inbox.

 

Other than facebook, I don't think they'd interact much. I mean, he's with me most of the time and don't think he'd have even the time to engage in a serious affair...but could be non-serious (lol, not funny at all)

 

In August he went 5 days to another city business related. I know for sure it was business related and he kept in touch most of the time. But I saw that she posted a pic on instagram on that very same city that he was (and she lives somewhere else). I just find it a big coincidence that they would be there at the same time. However, it's a popular city for business and holiday and she could have just been there. But I find it all kind of suspicious. Or maybe it's my borderline personality thinking too much of it.

 

Please try to focus on this question instead of on what makes me feel insecure etc, because I'm working on it. I just wonder what this situation looks like for outsiders.

 

Thanks a lot!

Edited October 28, 2013 by Claire83

[CarrieT]

In May this year I checked our computer's history and found they'd been chatting just a few days before, and that he'd been going through her profile checking lots of pics. So I asked him, as if I hadn't seen that, if he had talked to her lately. He got a bit uncomfortable and said no. I said: your computer history says otherwise. He said "I must have forgotten then, or it was something unimportant maybe". So I said: if it's nothing, sure you don't mind me taking a look. He refused and turned things against me.

 

This is what is known as "Gaslighting." Google it. Only guilty people start gaslighting so I would say that you definitely have grounds for suspicion.

 

 

In August he went 5 days to another city business related. I know for sure it was business related and he kept in touch most of the time. But I saw that she posted a pic on instagram on that very same city that he was (and she lives somewhere else). I just find it a big coincidence that they would be there at the same time.

There are no coincidences this big.

 

Time for you to go into heavy investigative mode. Put a voice-activated recorder hidden in his car and a keylogger on his computer. Most people who are having affairs feel comfortable having private conversations in their car so you can find out if that is the case.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

They are having an inappropriate friendship that is crossing lines. Fact that he got mad and won't show you the conversations he's had with her just shows that HE knows it's wrong. The thing is, he is enjoying the ego feed and attention this ex gives him.

 

Question is, is he stupid enough to actually pursue something with her physically? It's one thing to flirt and remember old times with fun memories, it's a whole other ball game when the intention is something else.

 

There really is NO need for him to dig into his past and reconnect with an ex.

 

I say, add her as a friend. Seriously see what happens. Send her a note saying , I see you and my husband are friends, would like to invite you and your husband for lunch some time...

[BetrayedH]

Get the book, Not Just Friends.

 

You are here because your gut is screaming. Those of us on the receving end of infidelity would say we have earned to trust our gut. You have some of the typical red flags.

 

Stop confronting your husband. The first rule is to shut up. Go silent on the issue while you go into investigative mode.

 

Start by comparing your husband's text and phone usage to the bill. If you see a lot of texts but they've all been deleted, that's the classic sign.

 

Carrie is also right about the gaslighting. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. They gladly trip over themselves trying to show their innocence. Those with something to hide will call you paranoid and get angry.

 

You could also get a voice-activated recorder for the car (very common for them to talk while traveling to/from work). Or get a keylogger for the computer. But i would just start with the phone (and maybe a look thru financial records).

[Zapbasket]

Arrggh, Facebook. I wouldn't like it if my partner added an ex as a friend, either. It's a slippery slope and I agree it's cause for concern to begin with when there's a lot of back and forth photo "liking." On her part it shows a lack of discretion to be publicly interacting with an ex she must know is married (doesn't he have pictures on his FB of you, or of himself with you?).

 

The biggest red flag is her photo from the same city he's in. That's too much of a coincidence to ignore and I think you have every right to confront your H on it.

 

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I can just imagine how agonizing this must be for you.

[Janesays]

No, you're not being paranoid. I agree with another poster who said go silent on the issue, pretend nothing is wrong and go into investigation mode.

 

You may not like what you find, but at least you had the guts not to let these two play you for a fool any longer.

[oldshirt]

I agree with other posters, you are not paranoid and this is not an insecurity issue on your part. You have a legitimate grievance and legitimate cause for concern.

 

Even if his penis has not been inside her vagina yet, this is an inappropriate level of involvement with an ex and if left to continue things will blow up.

 

I think if you were to do some serious investigating (putting keyloggers on computer, checking phone records, voice activated recorder hidden in car, credit card records etc) you will find that you are only currently seeing the tip of the iceberg.

 

Either this gets smacked down hard and fast now or something is going to happen if it hasn't already.

[oldshirt]

 

 

He had also told me, a couple of months before, that her mother, which was his friend on facebook (apparently they all got along really well) had told him, via chat, that she (the ex) was divorced now and that it would be great if they got in touch again, since it had been so long - even if she meant like friends, I didn't like it.

 

 

And BTW, I think her mother is a POS! what a creepy thing to do. She needs to be spitting out some teeth if you ever run across her:mad:

[SerCay]

Wow...it just keeps happening over and over again,..

 

FACEBOOK BRINGS OUT PEOPLE'S TRUE CHARACTERSSSS

[pteromom]

I actually thought you were coming across as paranoid, until you got to the part about them being in the same city.

 

Him adding an ex on Facebook - no big deal.

 

Him chatting with her (as long as it is just innocent chatting) - no big deal.

 

Him LYING about chatting with her - not good, but if it was just a couple of back-and-forth messages that were just fluff, it could be he forgot. Or it could be he lied because he knows you freak out over things like that.

 

Him and her being away in the same city at the same time - mighty suspicious!

 

I would go into investigative mode and see what you can find.

 

As far as questioning yourself - that depends on how you usually are. If you are one of those people who freak out at any friends of the opposite sex, then maybe you are being paranoid. But if there is something about this specific woman who makes your spidey senses tingle, then, yes, there is likely something going on.

[darkmoon]

you have every right to expect your husband to block her on facebook, you come first, if you feel bad your husband ought to be kinder about this, sorry, but this is how I see it, an affair? maybe she fancies her chances with him maybe not, but you come first, you are his wife ffs

[Silly_Girl]

Claire, has this moved on at all?

[EllyM]

Trust your gut, Claire. There are so many signs here, but even if there weren't, your gut is telling you something for a reason. I know this, because I've been there. Ex's are dangerous. They've already had a history, so it's easy to reminisce and get caught back up in the feelings.

 

Your husband is in contact with an Ex, hiding things, and lying to you. And the fact that he and this Ex both happened to be in the same city at the same time - - - - well, you know better than to think it was a coincidence.

[C00kie]

paranoia...

[Claire83]

Claire, has this moved on at all?

 

Hi...I've been putting some thought into this and I don't think he had anything with her. And no, I'm not in denial, but my gut feeling says that he probably lied to me about talking to her because he knew I'd flip out, which I do a lot sometimes for no reason...I tend to be very paranoid and I've been proved wrong more than once.

 

Well, the city where they both were is actually a very popular place for holiday. I checked our traded sms, e-mails and facebook chats during those days and I don't think he was with her at all. The day they both were there, he talk to me in the morning, in the afternoon and before going to bed. If they had been together as a part of a plan, he wouldn't have kept in touch that often (unless it was part of some diabolic plan but I don't really think so). Also, had it been such a great secret, she wouldn't have posted where she was.

 

Aff...facebook, exes and paranoia. Not a good mix.

[Spark1111]

Hi...I've been putting some thought into this and I don't think he had anything with her. And no, I'm not in denial, but my gut feeling says that he probably lied to me about talking to her because he knew I'd flip out, which I do a lot sometimes for no reason...I tend to be very paranoid and I've been proved wrong more than once.

 

Well, the city where they both were is actually a very popular place for holiday. I checked our traded sms, e-mails and facebook chats during those days and I don't think he was with her at all. The day they both were there, he talk to me in the morning, in the afternoon and before going to bed. If they had been together as a part of a plan, he wouldn't have kept in touch that often (unless it was part of some diabolic plan but I don't really think so). Also, had it been such a great secret, she wouldn't have posted where she was.

 

Aff...facebook, exes and paranoia. Not a good mix.

 

Idk.....don't dismiss it out of hand.....PLEASE!

 

Do you have access to his cell phone records? Former investigative journalist here TOTALLY blindsided by my FWS's affair with a co-worker.....

 

he'd call me morning, late afternoon and evening....working late, away from home, blah, blah, blah....

 

I was the,first phone call. He did this to assuage me. Once I was OUT of the WAY, he called her to make plans with her.

 

Do me a favor....after he calls you....wait five minutes and just find reasons to call him back....

 

You will be able to tell, after a while, if he is on the phone with somene else.

 

I don't care if it is 9 a.m., 12 p.m. 9 p.m......After he calls YOU, he will feel confident enough to call her BECAUSE YOU are out of the way...and you will SENSE it, and his lies.

[down hearted]

this is why both me and my husband do not have Facebook, it just brings nonsense and drama that can ruin a marriage whether innocent or not its not healthy. We keep in touch with those we love just the same without Facebook.

 

anyways, by what you are saying he sounds fishy and about the whole him calling am sorry to sound blunt but truth is, he could be on top of her and get straight quiet to talk to you and hang up. One friend of mines once told me this : "women work by the ear, you tell her what she wants, when she wants and you got her in the palm of your hand". Just because he keeps in "touch" doesn't mean he is off the hook, i say follow your gut and at least prove yourself wrong.

 

Lastly, there is NO reason why he should EVEN as a married man keep in touch with an EX, specially after he KNOWS that it makes you (HIS WIFE) feel uncomfortable, this would not fly by me sorry and my husband would respect me enough to cut those ties. Women are malicious, and competitive, if your husband does not set boundaries then it is disrespectful to both you and your marriage, specially when he knows it bothers you and its uncomfortable to you. That EX's mother is nothing to trust with because she just wants her own divorced daughter to get back on that wagon even if it means ruining another marriage. DO keep your eyes OPEN do not let things slide, just my 2 cents.

 

really wish you luck, Facebook is a disaster waiting to happen to many marriages and relationships no matter how innocent conversations may be, and if you don't see chat history, FB posts, messages etc, BELIEVE THIS, they are deletable, he could have most likely deleted his history or even messages after he reads them and receives them in the moment don't even trust that. I would tell him to draw boundaries, his ex and his ex's family is not and no longer his business otherwise he should of married them, sorry i sound harsh but you seem like a truly genuine good hearted person who means well and respects her marriage and her husband and he is slowly drawing back in his ex back into his life no matter how minimal its always going to be a problem, if she cares she should wish him farewell and luck on his marriage and move on, no matter how minimal if they are on good terms as exes any fire that was put out can easily be lit up once again, i say he needs to draw the line with his ex and cut all communications because it makes YOU uncomfortable.

Edited November 7, 2013 by down hearted

[jimmytwowheels]

Both my SO and I have ex's on our facebook. I probably have more then her, but we also both have access to each others accounts. So, I don't see that as a problem. We both are the type of person to have amicable break ups with our exes, so I don't see the harm.

[crederer]

In my experience when someone gets very defensive about their electronics, it has alsways been due to being sketchy. That's the biggest red flag for me of everything you said.