Your husband is sleeping with me.

[AutumnMoon]

Ok I am going to go out on a limb here...

 

The only time I was not attracted to my WH and flat out did not want to have sex or kiss him was when I was in my own A.

 

Do you think his wife could be cheating on him, especially when I read this part...

 

I'm suspicious of almost everyone so it would be easy for me to think this.. But I don't think this is the case in this situation. Maybe though! She does go away to her hometown once a month or so.. Which is when me and him usually get time together.. But she takes her kids with her everytime and stays with family.

 

I don't think she is cheating. I think she just doesn't prioritize sex, or enjoy it much.

[AutumnMoon]

She is also pretty jealous of him around other women. But not me.. She used to be a little with me until she saw our dynamic more often and realized we had been friends for a long time and had so much in common.

People would never assume I would cheat.. I guess you would have to know me and my family... If you knew me and my group of friends you would not pick me out as the one to cheat I don't think. But maybe I'm wrong.

 

She's ok with him being alone with me. She used to be jealous of me but no seems to genuinely like me and says straight out I have helped their marriage because he's happier now...... Stemming from outings we go on and music and movies he has someone to talk to about now because they don't share those interests.

 

Me and him are not usually ALONE on these outings.. Usually a couple other people are there too.

 

She does volunteer information I wish she wouldn't in my presence about him and she had apologized at times.. Like she will make a joke in front of me and other women about him .. Then seem to remember I'm more his friend than hers and say "oh! Don't tell him I said that!" ... And I don't.

Edited October 29, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[ComingInHot]

wtfh, it might help people here Both OW & BS if you wrote a little more... well, rationally, Even with your obvious angst toward a spouse who is or has been the victim of an A.

 

Maybe offer some "useful" advice in how to help Autumn Moon with her actual Topic*

[jlola]

There is absolutely NO medical issue that makes women think that giving or getting oral sex is "gross", lol. And, there is NO way that every women who stops having sex AFTER they are married does so bc of a medical issue. To be so willing to give all the women in the world the benefit of the doubt, but not their male counterparts, must take running circles in one's head to accomplish!

 

I believe that OPs MMs wife is just one of those women - one of MANY. She has said it out loud - why would we not take her at her word? Why run all over the place trying to figure out what is causing her issue when it's quite obvious SHE is the issue, lol. She doesn't like sex, she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want any type of physical/emotional intimacy with her HUSBAND. She should divorce him instead of riding the gravy train of marriage without actually, I dunno, wanting to be in an actual marriage, lol.

 

WTHF,

 

There are cultures where MEN will not give oral sex to the women.They think it's gross. But you don't see these women using that fact to do as they please. they understand that a marriage is not built on BJ's, but so much more. Some of these women are the most faithful and loyal ever.

[rumbleseat]

Back to to the OP's initial point...

 

How does all of this make you feel? You say you are good at compartmentalizing, but it is almost sounding as of some of those walls are beginning to break down, at least a little bit.

 

How are you going to feel if they continue to break down? Will you be able to deal with the choices you have made?

 

I don't think you are a horrible person, but rather someone who has had a rough go when you were younger at it made it necessary to put your life into "boxes" just to get through day to day life. It was a coping mechanism that worked well at the time, but do you feel it is still working for you?

[road]

Act as the BW's friend as you bang her WH.

 

And you have no problem with that.

[2sure]

I don't know of anyone who married and stopped having sex because they hooked a guy.

 

Women want it all. Success, Security, and a hot partner to share it with.

Those that dont want it all, will forego the partner, but not the sex.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't know of anyone who married and stopped having sex because they hooked a guy.

 

Women want it all. Success, Security, and a hot partner to share it with.

Those that dont want it all, will forego the partner, but not the sex.

 

Not all women. She has flat out said she knew that would get him to 'keep' her. Even if it wasnt planned ahead of time, she admits that's what she did.

She got pregnant about 6 months in. Also admits to going off her pill.

 

I didn't say it meant she deserved to be cheated on.

 

But it's a fact she doesn't enjoy sex and wants it no more than once a month or so.

 

I'm not using it as a reason for anything of bashing her.. It's just something she has said.

[AutumnMoon]

Act as the BW's friend as you bang her WH.

 

And you have no problem with that.

 

The whole point of the thread was that I didn't like how I felt about it and I am NOT trying to befriend her.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Not all women. She has flat out said she knew that would get him to 'keep' her. Even if it wasnt planned ahead of time, she admits that's what she did.

She got pregnant about 6 months in. Also admits to going off her pill.

 

I didn't say it meant she deserved to be cheated on.

 

But it's a fact she doesn't enjoy sex and wants it no more than once a month or so.

 

I'm not using it as a reason for anything of bashing her.. It's just something she has said.

 

You know its 2013 right? Not 1953? He didnt have to marry her. He chose to. Yet some people cant understand why he loves her so she must have 'trapped' him...yeah right:rolleyes:

 

And you ARE 'bashing' her...Thats all you have done this whole thread. As if its not bad enough what you do to her already, you slam her on a public forum and air all these BS reasons justifying your vulgar behaviour and attitude. Repeatedly and consistently. Honestly, the amount you have demonised this woman in your posts leaves a really nasty taste in my mouth...just nasty.

[whereamigoing]

AutumnMoon,

 

I address you directly because this thread has been sort of hijacked with stuff I just don't want to address. I don't know much about your story and I won't attempt to armchair psychoanalyze you based on an internet post it two but I will try to address your original post.

 

I am fairly open about sex talk...it's just how I am. I will talk about it with strangers if they want too. Mostly it's because I enjoy sex and a healthy sex life is part of my life's happiness. Maybe not specifically MY sexlife but sex in general. Many of my friends are similarly minded so I am used to open dialog. So used to it, in fact, that I sometimes forget my audience and that they may not be quite so into discussing it. That's on me though, not them. I am the one overstepping a boundary and I feel the BS in your case is doing the same. You are in a bit of a sticky pickle though because if you make a big deal about her not discussing her sexlife with MM it may cause her to wonder a bit. You can address it directly with her anyway and take that risk. You can change the subject when it comes up or leave the room. But I would recommend when another friend brings up the sex topic while she is around you then, politely, let that friend know you are uncomfortable with the topic at hand. Something like "hey, friend, could we talk about something else? The sex talk makes me uncomfortable.". Your friends might think it odd but they should respect your wishes and BS should get the hint as well.

 

Hope that was helpful? Or at least more on topic...did that address your issue?

[LilGirlandOW]

I don't know of anyone who married and stopped having sex because they hooked a guy.

 

Women want it all. Success, Security, and a hot partner to share it with.

Those that dont want it all, will forego the partner, but not the sex.

 

Some women, do however easily give up sex once it has served the purpose of giving them children. Some woman for whatever reason don't find sex enjoyable?! Not sure if this was the case with my mm, but I do know women who could very easily give up sex, have "pity sex" with their husbands to "hold them off for x number of dAys". Seems sad to me, but I've been in a sexually incompatible marraige, so I can understand the feeling to an extent.

 

Doesn't condone cheating, but

[road]

The whole point of the thread was that I didn't like how I felt about it and I am NOT trying to befriend her.

 

 

The whole point is you are acting as if you are her friend. You look into her face, smile, act as is you would never stab her in the back while you are stabbing the crap out of her.

 

If you do not like the way you feel. You can control that. Stop banging her WH.

[janedoe67]

Yeah, women like that are a dime a dozen, they are everywhere. They do what they "have" to do to "hook" the guy and get married, then they show how they really feel about sex. They agree to go into a monogamous contract with someone else, while the whole time, they have NO interest in having a sexual relationship with that person at all. It's selfish, underhanded, and disgusting - bc I have found that these women are the ones who scream "foul" the loudest if/when their partner cheats on them. Then all of a sudden they are pillars of virtue, and holding your vows and promises (and don't even get me started on women who try to say that marriage does not guarantee sex - ask men if they would get married KNOWING they would be forced to be celibate, see how many sign up!) is THE most important thing in life. They are self righteously appalled, appalled I tell ya!, that their husbands think they have the right to go on out and, omg, have an adult relationship with someone else!

 

Ugh. I can't stand women like that. Just be honest - if you don't like BGs, don't give them. If you don't like sex, don't have it. Don't pretend, con a man into marrying you, and then expect him to just say, "oh, okay, let's be celibate and live like roommates, sounds effing fantastic!". If they wanted a roommate, they would get a roommate - they get married bc they want an adult, and yes SEXUAL, relationship with you.

 

I'm sure she does think it's funny, most of them do. Or, they completely invalidate men's feelings and roll their eyes and think it's all just so silly, this whole desire of men to have sex with their wives. They think it's not a "need" but a "want" and act like it's just ridiculous. But, my guess is - she won't be laughing when/if she finds out he is having an affair that IS sexual. Then, of course, she'll be livid and feel righteous in it - and talk about how stupid it is that their marriage "hinges" on sex. Because, she won't realize that SHE was dodgy, she lied to him, she was underhanded and selfish to get what SHE wanted - because men are still second class citizens when it comes to their emotional needs, and she knows it, and other women (probably the same as her) will rally around her and talk about what a big meanie her WH is - cuz she is SO nice, and such a good wife, and so blah blah blah - you know, it doesn't really matter to them that she never really wanted an adult/sexual relationship with her husband. She got what she wanted - the marriage, security, a man that will have a hard time getting out of a contract with her for a relationship - so, whatever came after is obviously not her fault.

 

This is probably the ONLY time WTHF and I will agree....and I DON'T agree that cheating is EVER right....EVER...

 

But I gotta say, I feel the rest of her post. I am the spouse married to someone who didn't want sex....and I cannot adequately express how soul-crushing it is. And before everyone tries to figure out what rare disease he has or what a bad wife I must be - or else of course he'd be climbing on me 24/7....he doesn't have a rare sex-prohibiting condition, and I work my butt off trying to be a good wife - and he would agree. And yep...I have cheated - in the 12th year of our marriage was my first A. By the end of our first YEAR of marriage it was clear that touch and physical intimacy were big issues.

 

It is selfish for someone who s not interested in sex to marry. There, I said it. You want to experience being a mom? Stay single and get a donor. Don't subject a person who craves touch, closeness, and physical intimacy to forced celibacy. That is wrong. THAT is a betrayal.

 

Period.

 

And yes, I should have left and not cheated. If I had a time machine that would be the thing I would change. Cheating was wrong, and the A itself is 100% MY responsibility. The heart crushing soul death from being starved? That is on HIM.

[AutumnMoon]

Or maybe, she just doesn't like sex with him. Just because you think he's all that in bed, doesn't mean she does, or ever did. Personally, I'd never stay in a marriage or any relationship where the sex sucked. Life's to short for ho hum. I also wouldn't settle for being someone's piece on the side either. But, that's just me.

 

Again, she had straight up said its not HIM. She just doesn't enjoy the act.

 

He's a good looking man, she's attracted to him, like flirting and like attention but does not like having sex. She doesn't get the urge. It's not him specific.

[AutumnMoon]

I wonder if there isn't a very diplomatic way to just say that you are uncomfortable with hearing about her sex life (or lack thereof?)? Or, simply going to the bathroom each time she starts talking about it? It sounds like she has no filter at all and is just blabbing constantly - and I know avoiding her or places she may be isn't an option - it sounds like at some point, if you really are uncomfortable hearing it, you will probably have to say something. She seems to be a little dense too, and not really picking up on your social cues that you aren't interested in hearing it.

 

It's not that she just blabs so much around everyone just certain women, me included and certain groups of people.. She will say stuff that you would be saying to a close friend .. Because I think she doesn't have a lot of close friends and doesn't understand the difference.

 

I like her. If be her friend in any other situation probably. Don't have as much in common with her as I do with her husband.. But we have kids the same age and lots of mutual friends.

 

I'm ok with sex talk.. Just not the put downs about him and I get uncomfortable talking that detailed with someone I'm not that close with.

[AutumnMoon]

You know its 2013 right? Not 1953? He didnt have to marry her. He chose to. Yet some people cant understand why he loves her so she must have 'trapped' him...yeah right:rolleyes:

 

And you ARE 'bashing' her...Thats all you have done this whole thread. As if its not bad enough what you do to her already, you slam her on a public forum and air all these BS reasons justifying your vulgar behaviour and attitude. Repeatedly and consistently. Honestly, the amount you have demonised this woman in your posts leaves a really nasty taste in my mouth...just nasty.

 

I haven't once denied he loves her. Or that's he has great qualities.

 

He married her because of them I'm sure, but the big reason he married her was because she got pregnant, not that he didn't love her he just had decided long before that not to have kids or get married because he came from a very broken home.. He ADORES his kids though. And again.. Be loves her. He wasn't trapped, he made a choice.. It was based on things he wasn't given much choice in. I'm not saying he's a victim!

 

Both of us WANT to stay married to our spouses. I've said that the entire time.

[AutumnMoon]

AutumnMoon,

 

I address you directly because this thread has been sort of hijacked with stuff I just don't want to address. I don't know much about your story and I won't attempt to armchair psychoanalyze you based on an internet post it two but I will try to address your original post.

 

I am fairly open about sex talk...it's just how I am. I will talk about it with strangers if they want too. Mostly it's because I enjoy sex and a healthy sex life is part of my life's happiness. Maybe not specifically MY sexlife but sex in general. Many of my friends are similarly minded so I am used to open dialog. So used to it, in fact, that I sometimes forget my audience and that they may not be quite so into discussing it. That's on me though, not them. I am the one overstepping a boundary and I feel the BS in your case is doing the same. You are in a bit of a sticky pickle though because if you make a big deal about her not discussing her sexlife with MM it may cause her to wonder a bit. You can address it directly with her anyway and take that risk. You can change the subject when it comes up or leave the room. But I would recommend when another friend brings up the sex topic while she is around you then, politely, let that friend know you are uncomfortable with the topic at hand. Something like "hey, friend, could we talk about something else? The sex talk makes me uncomfortable.". Your friends might think it odd but they should respect your wishes and BS should get the hint as well.

 

Hope that was helpful? Or at least more on topic...did that address your issue?

 

Thanks.

I don't mind talking about sex either.. I talk about it all the time.. I just don't call my husband gross around other people and I do feel uncomfortable with the conversation with her specifically.

 

Talking sex is fine with me.. She just gets extremely detailed and we are not close plus I have history with her husband so it's different with her.

[Sub]

And yes, I should have left and not cheated. If I had a time machine that would be the thing I would change. Cheating was wrong, and the A itself is 100% MY responsibility. The heart crushing soul death from being starved? That is on HIM.

 

I have to ask, though. In the eleven years this issue was lingering, was it regularly addressed? I can't imagine allowing a "hear crushing soul death" to go on for a year or two, let alone eleven.

[hotgurl]

I haven't once denied he loves her. Or that's he has great qualities.

 

He married her because of them I'm sure, but the big reason he married her was because she got pregnant, not that he didn't love her he just had decided long before that not to have kids or get married because he came from a very broken home.. He ADORES his kids though. And again.. Be loves her. He wasn't trapped, he made a choice.. It was based on things he wasn't given much choice in. I'm not saying he's a victim!

 

Both of us WANT to stay married to our spouses. I've said that the entire time.

 

Why why do you want to stay married if you both are cheating?

[AutumnMoon]

The whole point is you are acting as if you are her friend. You look into her face, smile, act as is you would never stab her in the back while you are stabbing the crap out of her.

 

If you do not like the way you feel. You can control that. Stop banging her WH.

 

No intention right now to end the affair.. OR become her close friend. Thanks.

[unicorn farts]

If I recall correctly in another thread you were talking about how her WH enjoys her trying to befriend you and gets off on her being humiliated. The dynamic of this whole thing is so gross and it really sounds like some kind of sick fetish. I think you are getting off on humiliating her too. Have you ever heard of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"? If you two are sexually aroused by humiliating and degrading women, well, okay. There are people that would accommodate your interests. But involving this wife without her knowledge is NOT consensual and it is seriously disturbing.

 

It doesn't matter how much she does or does not want to have sex, THAT is an issue between her and her husband that has nothing to do with you. It does not at all excuse the disgusting behavior of her WH and it does not excuse you for participating in it.

 

Just STAY AWAY FROM HER in social settings.

 

 

(Before I get jumped on, I 100% agree with janedoe's post on sex in marriage.)

[Darren Steez]

The whole point is you are acting as if you are her friend. You look into her face, smile, act as is you would never stab her in the back while you are stabbing the crap out of her.

 

If you do not like the way you feel. You can control that. Stop banging her WH.

 

Dude, if you're a betrayed, I'd just stay away to be honest. These threads will wind you up. I quite enjoy them. It's like a comedy. I don't judge because human beings are allowed to make whatever choices they want, even if they have the potential to hurt. Some of the posters almost write with a heroic zeal. It's fascinating.

[threelaurels]

Both of us WANT to stay married to our spouses. I've said that the entire time.

 

Unfortunately, the choice will no longer be in your hands or his hands if the A exposed. There is no fool-proof way to cheat without getting caught. There are people out there who make a living catching cheaters, and it's almost impossible to outsmart someone who knows every trick in the book.

[KathyM]

Unfortunately, there are men and women who allow their sex life with their partner to be put on the backburner, and it damages their relationship together. I have three couples I'm counseling right now who have sexual incompatibility issues which are causing problems in their relationship. With two of my couples, it's the man who is giving minimal effort to their sex life. With one couple, it's the woman who is often rejecting her partner sexually. Sexual incompatibility is often a problem seen in couples' counseling. It's also common that sexual interest changes at times during a marriage, sometimes due to marital conflict, childbirth, hectic work schedules, or other factors. Sometimes a biological component is involved, such as when a man loses interest in sex because of a low testosterone level or ED. Sometimes people have psychological reasons for not being interested in having sex with their spouse, such as if they had a bad relationship with a parent and never bonded with a parent, or if there was sexual trauma in their childhood, or if they continually were given messages from a parent that sex is dirty and a chore. There are a number of reasons why couples could have sexual incompatibility issues. Sometimes, it is biological. Sometimes psychological. Sometimes it is resentment or conflict within the marriage that spills over into their sex life. Sometimes people are just too tired to keep up a high level of sexual relations with their spouse if they are overworked with job and family obligations. It does make for sexual incompatibility issues in a marriage. But these issues can be resolved with a marriage counselor. Unfortunately, some people, rather than working on the incompatibility issue, resort to looking outside their relationship, and that only compounds their marital issues, and doesn't resolve their incompatibility. Sexual incompatibility can often be resolved through communication between the couple, and/or through counseling. In the OP's case, the MM needs to communicate with and resolve this issue with his wife. It sounds like there are more marital problems in the relationship than just sexual incompatibility if she is putting down her husband to these various women. When a third party steps in to engage the WS in a relationship, that only compounds the problem, and leads to it not being resolved.