Are her feelings for me gone?

[EIK]

My girlfriend and I were together for 2 incredibly happy years. She used to be madly in love with me and dreamed of spending the rest of our lives together, getting married and having children; she pictured me alongside her in every single moment of her life. She always missed me when I wasn’t around and counted down the minutes to see me. I always loved and respected her very much as well, although I had doubts whether or not it was the time for settling down – the typical scare men get when they think they found the right woman, I suppose (I’m 26).

 

That doubt brought us to a painful breakup. It was my decision. Although I wasn’t completely sure I wanted out, I just didn’t want to ‘take a break’ to leave her hoping we’d eventually be fine when I could actually decide I really didn’t wanna be with her. So I ended it. I told her it was because I felt suffocated in our relationship (which is true – I didn’t wanna tell her I just didn’t know if I wanna be with her). She tried to talk things over and I didn’t want to. I broke her heart.

 

We kept loose contact; saw each other every now and then casually. I telephoned and messaged her at times, to see how she was holding up. During that time I never told her I loved her, of course, as we weren’t together and I always had that doubt in my mind, whether or not I was ready to decide to be with someone forever.

 

Now it is 2 months after the breakup. During that time I went out with friends, traveled, did different stuff, and had a quick thing with another girl.

 

She didn’t feel fine to date anyone during the time we were separated, although in the last week she did start an online emotional affair with a guy she doesn’t even know personally. As we spoke later about it (after I tried to get back together with her, from the next paragraph on), she said she was needy and that he told her everything she wanted to hear from me, and I wasn’t there anymore to tell her. She thinks she let herself get emotionally involved with him because he lives far away (in her hometown that she seldom visits, as she works and studies where I live), so she wouldn’t really have to get real with him.

 

As I said, we were in a happy relationship for 2 years and the breakup was 2 months ago. I know she went through hell trying to get over me, and honestly I did too, and I finally realized that I truly love her and that I am ready to commit and give her everything she needs and always expected from me.

So I went after her with the intention of making things right. I told her how I felt and what I went through; I apologized for all I made her go through and begged for her forgiveness. I told her about all the process I went through, the things I realized, and that now I know that she is the woman of my life and that I want to truly commit and marry her in the future, and make all of those dreams come true, with me alongside her, as she always pictured it – as now I do, too. I am now the man she always wanted me to be.

 

We talked for about five days. I was so anxiously determined in getting her back that I barely slept or ate and lost about 4kg. We talked, cried, argued.

She just wasn’t sure our relationship could be made to work again. She is hurt that I dated someone else and said she wished she could have done that too (she met interesting guys but she just wasn’t ready). I asked her not to talk to her internet emotional affair dude (that she seemed to be very much into) till she decided whether or not we’d get back together, as it could definitely be the end of us, making her drift away from me completely. She didn’t contact him again.

 

We spent the whole day together yesterday: I took her for a stroll on the spot of our first ever outing together. We talked more and more. She made it very clear that she didn’t want to get back together because she doesn’t feel like I’m special to her anymore; that her heart doesn’t beat faster around me; that she enjoys my company just the way she enjoys any other nice person’s; that she doesn’t feel physically attracted to me anymore. And even though she wants to feel all those things again, she doesn’t really feel she will ever be able to. Apparently, the fact that I dated someone else doesn't seem to bother her much.

 

However, we got back together, as I told her I believed we could make it work. She hesitated because she felt like she’d be fooling me, being with me whilst not loving me. We are together now.

 

Now we’re in a relationship again. So much is different, though. She doesn’t count down the minutes to see me. She doesn’t even care if I go see her or not. When we’re together, she’s cold and distant; she barely even kisses me.

 

We were separated for 2 months. Is it at all possible that she really doesn’t love me anymore? Or could all that strong love she felt be suppressed underneath so much disappointment, pain and emotional trauma? I would like to believe the latter, but all the evidence listed above points to the contrary. I would expect her to at least be angry or sad, but not completely indifferent. She doesn’t even care being around me or not, and feels no attraction either. I told her I believed we can turn things around, but honestly it’s difficult, given the whole situation.

 

I regret so much having broken her heart. All I want is to be able to win back her heart so I can have another shot to make her truly happy, as now I know that I want exactly what she wanted in the first place, and I hope it’s still there! Can it all just be gone after 2 months???

 

I’m desperate to make it work this time! Any word of advice is welcome.

 

Thanks for reading!

[MoooOinkBaaa]

You need to realize how much you hurt her. This girl sounded devoted to you and you betrayed her, abandoned her. Then you came back whilst she was trying to heal. I feel sorry for her because I'm in the same boat as her and if my ex came back like that I'd be pissed off. Her dumping me has made me cynical of true love and she's broken our trust.

 

If she truly loved you it's not gone after two months no. This woman has to reverse her emotional gears now because of you and she's going to see you from a different angle now. She's built up walls around you and defenses.

 

She doesn't feel like your special anymore because the difference between you and any other person is you hurt her more than anyone else in the world could. If my ex had a thing with another guy that would be it for me, done. Right now I wouldn't dream of doing anything with someone else because my ex still holds a place in my heart even though I'm sad and angry at her. If you truly loved this woman how did you manage to be with someone else during this time. Sounds like you thought you could do better but went back.

 

You can't possibly expect her to run into your arms with the same feelings she had before you broke her heart. I'm sure she has enough dignity and self respect to take it very slow and cautious until she feels she can trust you again. You froze her heart and you expect it to burn up again for you at the drop of a hat? You better hope there is a small amber left in there that's going to take a bit more effort to get burning again on your side.

 

You better had not hurt her again.

Edited October 28, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[lylat333]

My opinions are very similar to MOB as I feel I am similar to the girl you are dealing with OP.

 

To be honest I feel like you went out thinking the grass was greener only to find out, it's not that great, why not just go back to the person who's sitting there waiting for me. But you say you did work to get back together before you ever found out about her online deal? Otherwise I would be wondering if any of this would even be happening if she didn't have the online thing.

 

Obviously something is different, and yes it is probably due to the separation and the hurt. She now has what she wanted when you broke up with her, but things can change. I can't speak for your girl but I know 2 months after, and even now 3+ months post-BU I am very, very bitter towards my ex. I couldn't even bring myself to remain friends with her or in contact. I created a thread a while back, "What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?" because it blew my mind to think dumpers can come back after 1, 3+ months of separation and think they can just pick up right where they left off. But hey, I've actually been there as a dumper, and now that I'm experiencing life on the other side it's soooo different. The dumpee has been grieving and battling extremely painful emotions day in and day out, and it is hell.

 

I may be bias towards your girl but I don't know if you two are ready to be in a relationship again. This all just came about yesterday so my guess is she was willing to see what it feels like to be in a "relationship" again even though she didn't feel she had her heart in it. I'm sure she would love to go back to where she was if she could flip a switch and have those feelings again but it doesn't work like that. Now she's in it, and isn't feeling the spark or attraction.

 

I don't know man... to be honest it doesn't sound very good right now. A lot can change in 2 months. The first few weeks or so I was dying, dying to reconcile with my ex and after the weeks continue to pass and they don't care to come back it's very damaging. A lot of people say you need at least 2-3, but preferably 6 months of NC before a proper reconciliation even has the slim chance of happening. I think I can speak for the hurt dumpee that it's going to feel like a completely raw deal if we never got to even be physically intimate with someone else while our dumper was out doing/saying god knows what.

 

Best thing to do is to be respectful of her emotions and be willing to let her go if she wants out. The more you try to control her, the worse it will get.

Edited October 28, 2013 by lylat333

[todreaminblue]

i got hurt recently like i havent been hurt in a very long time, i dont allow people to get inside of me,or know when i am fragile i have a really strong protection defense mechanism against dick heads....if i didnt, i wouldnt be here,its like kick boxing..... you build up resistance to taking hits,then they dont hurt but when the hit come when you are not expecting it.....they are the hits that cause the most damage.....no matter how much resistance you have, if you dont expect the person you are facing to deliver a hit ...you are vulnerable to a complete and utter knock out........thats what happened to me ....sounds like it happened to your girl too.....

 

you broke her heart so she has retreated...in fact she is actively looking elsewhere even if she isnt about to go through with it...you have done damage.......her fighting capacity is still there......the capaciti to feel for you again to give you her heart..to eb open with you.i think you ought to be more careful when you deliver hits.......

 

i have a rule when i box.....i never deliver the first hit...i only fight in self defense .......and if i can, i wont hit at all...if i can walk or run away or talk my way out of a fight ...i do that...i am careful with peoples hearts..so i am th esame way in love....i dotn deliver hits to those i love...not intentionally.....however strong a person is there heart is not i know this to be absolute truth...even the grumpiest person on the planet is that way for a reason..the best fighters have extremely soft hearts it is why they fight the best....to survive....against people who want to cut others down

 

 

i feel that your girl hasnt lost any feelings, they are there....i say this because when you truly care or love someone, it doesnt go away, it gets shelved......

 

you can get to that heart again.....but i think you might have to work at it .....and it will take a while.......trusting someone with your heart.....for some...is extremely difficult.....it is where you spirit lives the one that believes in love....trust.....compassion and forgiveness....that spirit is the core of who she really is........ precious...irreplaceable...and you trashed her spirit

 

 

so get to work.....learn first aid

 

 

treat her heart as irreplaceable and priceless and as such, dont hurt her again like you did.....and you just might have that heart back...expect some hits to your spirit back.......think it's all ready happening...with your remorse..

 

 

remorse is a roundhouse done with perfect execution......its gods way of making things right so you dont do something horrible to her again....live and learn...remorse always hits hardest...more than revenge, more than rage.....keep hope alive and i wish you well....good luck....deb

Edited October 28, 2013 by todreaminblue

[BC1980]

From the dumpee's viewpoint, I would be extremely cautious if my ex were to show back up. You can't just press the reset button. I have spent months grieving and forcibly moving on from my ex. There is a lot of anger, and I haven't completely forgiven him either. How in the world could I even be in a relationship with him right now? It sounds okay in theory because of our history, but it would play out terribly in real life.

 

I repeat, you simply cannot press the reset button on a relationship. She is guarded right now. If she is smart, she would never be vulnerable right now. You go through actual grief and are forced to do a 180 to move on. You build up so much resentment because someone you loved is actually the cause of your grief. You love the person who causes you pain. I cannot tell you how difficult it is on a daily basis to reconcile these feelings. You try very hard to move forward and are terrified of losing any ground. I feel I am in a decent place post breakup, probably the best I could hope for right now considering what happened to me. How awful it would feel to loose any progress I have made.

[clementyne]

Sounds like it's too late for you. You had your chance but you threw it away and broke her heart. Something in her has changed due to the heartbreak. You are no longer the same person for her, hence her being indifferent to you. You decided you didn't want her so you ended it and let her deal with it. Then suddenly she's the one for you and you go after her again. Till when...the next time you decide you want something else?

 

Well guess what? It's not about you or what you want anymore. It's about what she wants now. And she obviously is not that into you anymore. The trust is gone from the inside. Maybe she just gave you another chance to test herself. So stop being selfish and let her make the decision. Let her decide whether to work things out with the guy who dumped her (and might do so again), or go for the emotional guy who was there when you weren't and wanted to give her the things you didn't. It's her call now, not yours.

Edited October 29, 2013 by clementyne

[EIK]

Thank you very much for your replies, guys.

 

I understand my actions are reprehensible given how much I made her suffer. I know that and I blame myself for it. Well... now I know what I really want.

 

MOB, of course I did not at all expect we could just start over from the point we left off 2 months ago. There's a lot of work to be done; I told her that, and she's in it with me now. She seems to believe there's a flicker still there, even though she can't feel it right now. I really wonder, by myself.

 

After my first post, I noticed she smiles again when I'm around and sometimes it feels like the old days. She seems to feel comfortable in my arms. She only kisses me softly on the lips and I understand it's because she doesn't wanna just give herself up again just like that, after all I made her go through; doesn't wanna bring down her defenses or 'lose any ground', as BC1980 put it.

 

It doesn't matter to me how long it takes, and I asked her not to put any pressure on herself concerning her feelings for me, wondering when they're coming back, if ever. If she wants out, of course I will not fight it.

 

lylat333, as I was single without her, I never felt attracted to any other woman and I thought about her everyday. The thing with the other girl was something childish involving alcohol, although I know it doesn't really make it less painful. And yes, I found out about the online deal after I contacted her for reconciliation. Their messages were pretty intense emotionally, and it really hurt me (not that I didn't deserve it) and made me wonder how she could get so emotionally invested with someone else so quickly, as it never crossed my mind for me to be emotionally involved with anyone else anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I never wanted her to be grieving the breakup forever. In my mind, this thing just didn't add up, and still doesn't. Idk, maybe it was a rebound sort of thing...

 

Anyways, I am really just wondering whether this is doable or not; how I/we can work to heal the hurt and resentment I caused, or if only time will do the trick... And if that precious love can one day burn again. Either she will give up on us or I'll die trying.

 

Thanks, todreaminblue, your message is very encouraging. I will treat her just the way you said, which is the way she always deserved, and I want to do just that for the rest of our lives.

 

I'm sorry if my message is a mess, guys.. I'm new to forums and it's my first time posting. Your messages are very helpful!

[EIK]

Hey guys,

 

It’s been 25 days since we got back together, and things really got better.

My GF has recovered much of her good feelings for me – she misses me when I’m not around, calls me and texts me, she is loving, caring and all cuddly and sweet when we’re together, feels the attraction, and she says he loves me very much (and I really feel it!) – in fact, it feels much like the old times.

 

In spite of that, when we discuss our relationship (which happens quite often), she says it is not quite the same anymore. There is that spiking romantic flicker missing, the euphoria she used to feel when I was around, and I know she longs for it. I tell her that perhaps it will come back with time, but perhaps we won’t have that again, as it’s something that happens when we first fall in love with someone new and you’re getting to know them, so there’s all the mystery etc. I believe that things really cool down a bit when you’re in a long-term relationship and later marriage, as it’s physically and chemically impossible to feel that crazy passion typical of a new relationship forever. It seems I might have killed it off with all the confusion and breakup, instead of just letting it die naturally in the course of the relationship…

 

Based on that, my conclusion on this particular matter is that, although I wish she could still feel that ‘thing’ for me, the fact that she doesn’t but still wants to make our relationship work (and it’s working!) and still loves me, means that we’ve built something really meaningful in our 2 year relationship that couldn’t be destroyed in 2 months of suffering and goes beyond the romantic love that she misses. It could be the start of a new, more mature stage in our relationship. Of course that is not the only plausible interpretation, but I think the one I’m most comfortable with.

 

She is still hurt, of course, and she really fears giving herself in again completely, so she’s testing the waters slowly, and I make my efforts to assure her that we’re safe now (aka she’s safe from my confusion, since it’s already dealt with) trying not to put any pressure on her.

Even though I still feel guilty for everything I made her go through, I don’t worry about what I want anymore, because I’ve assessed everything in every conceivable way and I’m 200% sure that I want to make this work and take it forward, otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to get back together with her. She’s already asked me over and over if I’m sure of what I want, if I won’t give up on her again, etc. We sit and talk and I do my best to make her feel safe.

Whether or not she’ll ever be able to trust me again is the first thing I’m worried about.

 

The second concerns the EA she had online for about two weeks before we got back together – it was going on when I contacted her for reconciliation. She had this guy on her Facebook list for a long time but had never spoken to him - had him added because he’s from her hometown, 2000km away, but never really met him. She has over 2k FB friends and doesn’t know a lot of them.

 

He started talking to her casually one day, a normal conversation, then the next day, then the next, they started getting acquainted and he was really nice, and things escalated from there and started getting more intense. Then to Skype and phone calls. I saw some of her messages to him and it really hurt me to read her saying she missed him and thought about him all day and such. Even though we weren’t together, I never thought she could get so intense emotionally with someone. Honestly I expected more she dated someone normally, although that would have been tough too.. She even met a really nice guy here but never gave in to his advances and told him she wanted to remain friends, although she later told me that she “wanted to wanna date” said guy. About the EA, she said at some point when we were reconciling that he made her feel good and told her everything she wanted to hear from me and I wasn’t there to tell her… Anyhow, we weren’t together when that all happened and it is my fault completely.

 

When I contacted her for reconciliation and we talked for days the EA was full on, they even had kind of planned to meet when she went to her hometown for Christmas (I didn’t know about that yet). I asked her to cut off all contact with him if she was thinking of getting back together with me and she did. Then we got back together and it was really difficult in the beginning, as I described in my first post, even more so because she left the guy kind of waiting and she didn’t go online on FB for a few days. Then after a couple days she talked to him on FB and told him about her decision to get back together with me, that she thought she should try it again etc. He said he understood her, told her to be careful, that he’d miss her etc. She felt really relieved, as she was feeling bad for having 'stood up' the guy, and and when she gave it closure we finally started progressing in rebuilding our relationship.

 

Of course this all happened because I broke it off with her in the first place, and I have no right to bother her for what she did while we were not together, even more so because I was no saint. But now I want to be.

What worries me is the doubt whether this EA will really die out with time or is it possible that it emerges sometime in the future?

 

Of course it would bother me if she had really dated that other dude, but if there were no feelings involved and we weren’t together at the time, what would I have to say or worry about if it were over with when we got back together?

 

But what about a very intense EA that lasted for two weeks? Especially because she was emotionally involved and ‘planned to’ meet the guy one day, but now isn’t going to... Is he gonna be a ‘ghost’ in our relationship or in her dreams? Can she forget him completely or has a seed been planted?

 

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 22, 2013 by EIK

[Confusedguy81]

When you dump someone, leave them alone. I just cant emphasis this enough. Leave.....them....alone. Noone cares about your feelings because you decided when you broke up with her you didn't want to be with her. I can't stand these flaky dumpers.

[EIK]

When you dump someone, leave them alone. I just cant emphasis this enough. Leave.....them....alone. Noone cares about your feelings because you decided when you broke up with her you didn't want to be with her. I can't stand these flaky dumpers.

 

I'm sorry you're heartbroken - I've been there too, and I guarantee you you'll get over it.

[Confusedguy81]

I'm sorry you're heartbroken - I've been there too, and I guarantee you you'll get over it.

 

It's not completely about being heartbroken as much as it's about the fact that people don't properly measure the situation before dumping someone. You dumped her because of the whole fear thing and then change your mind, etc. It's basically playing with another's feelings and putting their life on hold. It should also be the dumpees right to dictate the contact, not the game playing dumper who comes in and out of their life.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Why are you so bothered about an emotional connection she shared with someone whilst she was ROCK BOTTOM, because of YOU.

 

When someone breaks your heart you just want comfort. You want to believe that at least someone out there cares because the person you thought you knew and cared about the most, was someone you didn't really know at all.

 

Just be happy you have her because it's so hard to trust anyone these days to not break your heart. Insecurities are the fastest way to bury a relationship, they will put distance and drama between you both. Don't hurt her again by being insecure about this guy. Forget about it, control the insecurity because she deserves to be trusted and loved 100% without it giving her negative energy.

 

It wasn't even an emotional "affair". You were broken up. It's not your right, it's not your freedom to hold this against her! You don't get to have freedom when somebody else doesn't. That's a violation.

Edited November 22, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[EIK]

It's not completely about being heartbroken as much as it's about the fact that people don't properly measure the situation before dumping someone. You dumped her because of the whole fear thing and then change your mind, etc. It's basically playing with another's feelings and putting their life on hold. It should also be the dumpees right to dictate the contact, not the game playing dumper who comes in and out of their life.

 

 

Maybe you're right.. maybe I didn't properly measure the situation and I made a huge mess. I broke her heart and mine was shattered too because I thought that we had to be apart - I didn't even feel worthy of her love due to my doubting. I withheld it for a long time before I told her about my (wrong) decision because I was conflicted and didn't wanna hurt her, but the snowball could have gotten a lot bigger down the road as we made our lives more interwined and in the end I just found out that the doubting was right. The damage would have been a lot worse. It wouldn't be the case ultimately, but I didn't know this then. I didn't do it to have fun or to mess around.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents and mine did. You and I both do, and so will our children. My mistake was caused by not being able to talk it all over with her. I really have a problem opening up, and I'm working on it, even more so now that I know this is the only way things can work between me and her. You have no idea how conflicted I was when I broke up with her and how excruciating is the guilt that I felt throughout this whole day and that I know I will wake up with tomorrow and it won't be gone even though she's resting in my arms again, smiling.

 

It really helps me at least writing about it, and by this I don't mean it makes me feel better, because that's what matters least now, and I know you don't give a flying f*** about how I feel. I mean having experiences shared really gives me light and guidance to try and right my wrongs, and trust me, I am doing the best I can for the best person I've ever known, because it seems I can still make her happy and I'm very grateful for it.

 

You say I should leave her alone after breaking up. Ok, but I didn't. We reconciled and things seem to really be working out. There's still a lot to do and to rebuild and it's not easy, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.

 

I had many unhappy relationship endings in my life, most of them as a dumpee, and believe me, I know how it feels. I'm guessing most people seek this forum as dumpees, so posting as a dumper is not exactly the best way to be popular.

[organizedchaos]

Maybe you're right.. maybe I didn't properly measure the situation and I made a huge mess. I broke her heart and mine was shattered too because I thought that we had to be apart - I didn't even feel worthy of her love due to my doubting. I withheld it for a long time before I told her about my (wrong) decision because I was conflicted and didn't wanna hurt her, but the snowball could have gotten a lot bigger down the road as we made our lives more interwined and in the end I just found out that the doubting was right. The damage would have been a lot worse. It wouldn't be the case ultimately, but I didn't know this then. I didn't do it to have fun or to mess around.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents and mine did. You and I both do, and so will our children. My mistake was caused by not being able to talk it all over with her. I really have a problem opening up, and I'm working on it, even more so now that I know this is the only way things can work between me and her. You have no idea how conflicted I was when I broke up with her and how excruciating is the guilt that I felt throughout this whole day and that I know I will wake up with tomorrow and it won't be gone even though she's resting in my arms again, smiling.

 

It really helps me at least writing about it, and by this I don't mean it makes me feel better, because that's what matters least now, and I know you don't give a flying f*** about how I feel. I mean having experiences shared really gives me light and guidance to try and right my wrongs, and trust me, I am doing the best I can for the best person I've ever known, because it seems I can still make her happy and I'm very grateful for it.

 

You say I should leave her alone after breaking up. Ok, but I didn't. We reconciled and things seem to really be working out. There's still a lot to do and to rebuild and it's not easy, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.

 

I had many unhappy relationship endings in my life, most of them as a dumpee, and believe me, I know how it feels. I'm guessing most people seek this forum as dumpees, so posting as a dumper is not exactly the best way to be popular.

 

We all make mistakes, and it's good to see you admit that. And yes, dumpers aren't the most popular people here. You have another shot with her so I'm only going to say one thing to you:

 

Consider every day you now have with her again a blessing. And make her happy on every single one of them.

[Mcnulty]

I can identify with a lot of what you did/actions, so I'm going to say good luck and I wish you well, hope it works out for the both of you, really do.

[EIK]

Why are you so bothered about an emotional connection she shared with someone whilst she was ROCK BOTTOM, because of YOU.

 

When someone breaks your heart you just want comfort. You want to believe that at least someone out there cares because the person you thought you knew and cared about the most, was someone you didn't really know at all.

 

Just be happy you have her because it's so hard to trust anyone these days to not break your heart. Insecurities are the fastest way to bury a relationship, they will put distance and drama between you both. Don't hurt her again by being insecure about this guy. Forget about it, control the insecurity because she deserves to be trusted and loved 100% without it giving her negative energy.

 

It wasn't even an emotional "affair". You were broken up. It's not your right, it's not your freedom to hold this against her! You don't get to have freedom when somebody else doesn't. That's a violation.

 

Thanks for your reply, MOB. You missed a key point, though. I do not, in any way, hold it against her. She had all the right to do whatever she wanted or felt she needed to when we were apart and it's not my right to say anything about it, I know that.

 

By emotional "affair" I don't mean as in the case of infidelity. Sorry if I used the wrong term but English is not my first language and I never interpreted the word 'affair' as necessarily being something with somebody other than one's partner, although it is the case most times.

 

Anyways, the point is that she really wants to put it behind us and rebuild our relationship, which is what she chose, and I hope we succeed. It's going well so far. She has 100% of my love and trust.

[EIK]

We all make mistakes, and it's good to see you admit that. And yes, dumpers aren't the most popular people here. You have another shot with her so I'm only going to say one thing to you:

 

Consider every day you now have with her again a blessing. And make her happy on every single one of them.

 

Thanks a lot, man. That is exactly the way I feel since the day we got back together.

[EIK]

I can identify with a lot of what you did/actions, so I'm going to say good luck and I wish you well, hope it works out for the both of you, really do.

 

Thanks for your words, Mcnulty. Care to share your experience?

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Ah, well in that case it looks like your only problem is the worry of this guy she was talking to whilst you were apart?

 

You're worried about this guy and I bet you she is worried about you. But her being worried about you breaking her heart again is more important than you worrying about this guy.

 

So you gotta let it slide out of your mind because you don't want two sets of insecurities going on. Clear your troubles from the relationship so there is room for hers to exit and if you both love each other like you say, then good luck I wish you well. Be the strong one cause' she'll need you to be there for her until she really does trust you again.

 

Remember nothing is as it seems, so good communication will keep you both together. Keep her laughing too, make her laugh and you won't go wrong.

 

It's nice to have more dumpers points of views on this forum since we don't get to know what really goes through their minds.

[EIK]

Ah, well in that case it looks like your only problem is the worry of this guy she was talking to whilst you were apart.

 

What worries me is the doubt whether those feelings she nourished (if they even were real) will really die out with time or if it can possibly emerge again in the future and harm our relationship.

 

The past doesn't belong to us. The future does.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

She chose you over him, I guess you could say you won he lost. Doesn't that mean they already died out enough?

[EIK]

So you gotta let it slide out of your mind because you don't want two sets of insecurities going on. Clear your troubles from the relationship so there is room for hers to exit and if you both love each other like you say, then good luck I wish you well. Be the strong one cause' she'll need you to be there for her until she really does trust you again.

 

It's nice to have more dumpers points of views on this forum since we don't get to know what really goes through their minds.

 

I have to bold that sentence, as it touches the core of the current situation in our relationship. I can't help but be apologetic many times, for everything I made her go through. She now knows (at least rationally) what happened and that I didn't just walk away from her and happily moved on when I broke up, which is pretty much the impression every dumpee gets when that happens.

 

I laid my heart out and I am being completely vulnerable to regain her trust, and sometimes I just don't know whether I should show myself that way or try and be stronger for her to feel safe. Sometimes I really don't know which way to go and how to show her support and help her overcome our difficulties.

 

I remember when my second last girlfriend broke up with me, we went NC and I just sunk into depression... You don't see or hear from that person, and all you do is imagine them being totally happy and carefree, not giving a damn about how they made you feel, at that same minute you're crying, thinking about them...

 

It kills me everyday that I made my sweetheart feel that way. It's the worst feeling ever.. of being abandoned by who you cared the most, and to BE SURE that they're just moving on and doing fine while you're suffering. This time around I learnt it isn't always so... I was in deep sh** when I broke up with her especially because I knew I was making her suffer, and also because I missed her, but I couldn't/shouldn't go back just because I missed her, cause that would be playing with her feelings.

 

I didn't realize it then but now I know that she pictured me as being permanently happy and free of worries, moving on with my life while she was suffering because of me, and I can't express how terrible it feels.

 

I believe that sort of thought is the standard for dumpees in the grieving process, and that many times (I hope not very usually) it matches the dumper's reality, but I'm sure it's not always the case. It's not in my case.

[EIK]

She chose you over him, I guess you could say you won he lost. Doesn't that mean they already died out enough?

 

You're right. I'm hoping it's permanent.