Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

Hello

 

Please allow me to tell you about what I feel is a tragedy that is happening to me right now. My wife of 6 years, with whom I have been with as a couple for 16 years total, suddenly left me. I came home from work one day, and few minutes later she told me she did not think we should be married any more. She told me she cheated on me with a co-worker of hers, and she is now in love with him, and no longer in love with me. She said the typical things about feeling like we had drifted apart (I disagree), and how we had become more like roommates (roommates do not have sex a couple times a week for years and years). She is not interested in a second chance, counseling, therapy, or any time apart to re-evaluate: she is done and I believe she has already moved in with her new boyfriend.

 

Some brief background: we waited until we were 32 (her) and 34 (me) to get married due to various other reasons (getting out of debt, saving money, helping out family members). We were the first serious boyfriend/girlfriend in each others lives (starting at ages 22 & 23 respectively). We were our first sexual partners for each other. We have no children, but we bought our first house (our "dream house") one year ago. We never had a real fight or argument. We have everything in common as far as interests, likes, dislikes, worldview, religion, etc. We never had any sexual problems in the bedroom, and were both openly happy there. We were both truly and honestly in love for 16 years.

 

My wife has been overweight her entire adult life, until the last 3 years when she has worked very hard (with my support and help) to lose 120 lbs. She is now perhaps 20 lbs over what is considered to be the "ideal weight" for her height. I have always loved her regardless of her weight, because I love her for HER. I am also, though, very proud of her for being so dedicated to losing weight for health reasons. She did not follow some diet formula, it was a matter of exercising more and eating less. We went on walks together for 3 years, and we ate breakfast and dinner together 4-5 times a week our entire marriage. We both changed our eating habits together, and the way we cook and think about food. I have always maintained an average weight. She looks great, and young for her age (39), and up until 4 weeks ago, I really thought I had it made in life.

 

Over the last few weeks I have spoken with her at length, several times a week, to try to understand what has happened. She says it is a combination of a lot of things, but the main points are the weight loss has changed who she is as a person, and she now feels she wants to do things that she may have missed out on in her youth. She told me that even before she lost weight, the thought of only having sex with one person her entire life was bothering her. The thought of only having had one serious relationship bothered her. She tells me that losing all this weight has made her into a new person, and the old person that I knew was a different version of her.

 

She never once told me any of these thing before this, nor did she ever once say anything at all about being unhappy, bored or that she was thinking of how she was "missing out" on anything. Her telling me it is over was a complete shock to me; I had no idea she was feeling this way even 1%.

 

I am glad we did not have children to have to put them through this situation, but I am in complete agony and misery over this. She was/is the only love of my entire life, and I know for a fact she always loved me the same way. Over the last few weeks she said these feelings started in her over the last few months, and that she let her feelings get out of control to the point of having the emotional & sexual affair with her co-worker/new boyfriend. She is sorry that I am hurt and says she wish things had not turned out this way, but her mind is made up and I am left to cope all alone.

 

I feel so terrible all the time about this, and the hurt does not subside. Talking with her helps me a bit to understand what she is/was thinking, but the pain continues. We have vowed to remain friends, and I truly want that. I also truly still want to be with her forever, and I have forgiven her for cheating, both by telling her in a heart-to-heart talk, and in my own heart. I do not even feel angry about this. I only feel intense sadness and sorrow.

 

Part of me thinks that maybe some day, hopefully before too long, she will realize that the grass is not greener elsewhere, and will come back. Another part of me knows it is over, that her weight loss has triggered a midlife crisis and is enabling her to do her secret desires that she had hoped for long ago.

 

I have been reading a few things here and there online about the mental effects of drastic weight loss, and it is kind of a secret that dramatic weight loss, especially over a short period of time, has very serious repercussions on marriages and relationships. Apparently, losing so much weight can cause a person to reconsider everything they have ever done and accomplished in their adult lives. Also, even though she says she is truly, deeply sorry that she has hurt me so badly, she is sure she is making the right choice for herself.

 

It is so hard to accept or even believe that the person I knew could do this. I am thinking that the weight loss has triggered a midlife crisis, and some issues that she had never dealt with in her past have resurfaced and instead of dealing with them, and getting professional help, she is taking an escape route and trying to remake herself from scratch at 39.

 

I am totally devastated and do not know what to do with my life from now on. My entire life centered around her, and now she is gone. One morning, she was there with me having coffee and breakfast - we said I love you and left for work. When we got home from work, she said it is over, period, the end.

 

Even she says this is a tragedy and that it should not have gotten to this point. I agree, but now I am left in the shattered remains of something that was so beautiful and precious for so long. Now I have nothing but a completely broken heart.

 

Thank you for reading.

[beach]

Wow, I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you will get counseling to help you sort through your loss.

 

It appears she has rediscovered her selfish and self serving side. How sad for you to want to invite someone like that back into your life - a healthy attitude would be thinking you deserve better than a woman who treats you so poorly.

[AZtragedy]

You are right. At some level in my mind, I know I have to accept that perhaps she is not worthy of reconciliation. She is choosing a selfish path for herself, and has convinced herself that it is best for me, too, since she is not willing to keep trying to make it work.

 

Thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it.

[melissag]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is incredibly painful to lose someone this way, and I feel your pain. It sounds like she is going through something herself - and yes, she may well find that the grass is no greener on the other side. If she does, you can then decide whether you are able to forgive and forget and trust again, but that's something for another day. For now, try to focus less on her (what is she doing, why is she doing this, who is she with, is she thinking about me?), because that will drive you crazy; and more on yourself. This is really hard! But you have to remind yourself that you cannot control what she does, and you can't possibly know what she is thinking.

 

You need to take care of yourself right now. Please get IC if you can, it will help. Talk to your friends and family, and you will quickly see who is really going to help you through this. You can even reach out to acquaintances or friends you haven't spoken with in a while - sometimes they are the best sounding boards. Honor your feelings. That means, if you are sad, it's OK to be sad. If you are angry, that's OK too. And if you are just aching for her and all you want is for her to come back, that is totally natural to feel that way. But, don't wallow in your feelings. Focus on you and your life. Who do you want to be? What can you do that will make you feel better about yourself? Distractions are soooooo important, so that you don't wallow in your misery 24/7, but also so that you are doing something for you.

 

Take one day at a time, and go with what you feel. (That doesn't mean fire off an angry email because you feel angry for a few minutes, of course, but just in your overall handling of the situation.)

 

Hang in there!

[AZtragedy]

It is hard to try to focus on me, that is certainly true. I think I have defined myself in terms of my marriage and relationship for such a long time, that it has become almost foreign to me to think about just myself.

 

Thank you for the advice, especially concerning being OK with my feelings and the need to have some sort of distractions in order not to be so consumed with this (as I have been for the entire 4 weeks).

 

I do have one question, though, what is "IC"?

 

Thanks again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also truly still want to be with her forever, and I have forgiven her for cheating, both by telling her in a heart-to-heart talk, and in my own heart. I do not even feel angry about this. I only feel intense sadness and sorrow.

If you really want to keep even a sliver of hope alive for reconciliation, then telling her this is a tactical mistake. You've given her a free pass to explore other relationships, knowing that you'll be there as a fall back option if things don't work out. What little interest - or respect - she might have for you is lessened.

 

Spend some time here. Read about the 180 and Divorce Busting. Buy some books, Dr. Harley is an author frequently cited. Think about how you might present yourself differently to her and the world. Work on your mental and physical condition and social connections, a win/win regardless of marital outcome. You have to "game" the system to have a chance to get what you want and that will initially seem like a strange approach to such a major event. Ask questions, lots of "hard knocks" knowledge available here.

 

And keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AZtragedy]

Hello and thank you for the reply.

 

After reading some things on this site and elsewhere, I can see your point about a tactical mistake/giving my wife a free pass.

 

I am curious what you mean by "gaming the system", though?

 

Thank you.

[todreaminblue]

Not all women are like this when they lose weight.......i have lost weight before and it didnt change my feelings for the guy i was with.......in fact it used to turn me the opposite when guys cat called me and it wasnt him going mmmm baby..i felt a bit repulsed...because i have my inner fat girl to remind me....they suck..........

 

 

i am in the process of losing weight myself....the guy i have feelings for he sucks so ...doesnt matter.....i am going to be peak in a year...not to get a guy ....but to get a job i think i would excel at......training people to be leaders....military style.....smilin atcha....

 

 

i am sorry your girlfriend didnt realize what she had......you stuck by her she should have stuck by you.......some people dotn know what they have until its gone...thats fact...she will firgure it out if she puts weight on adn the guy dumps her fro not ebing the way she was when he met her....thats why i liek to improve while i am with a guy ....you see their true character...its all about channeling the inner fat girl when you feel full fo yrouself..you remember exactly who you were ....you neve3 lose what is you or what was you...you can deny it for sure...........i wish you well with soemoone who deserves you......deb

[AZtragedy]

thank you so much for the kind reply.

 

It is good to know that weight loss in and of itself is no excuse or reason to change one's character. It seems my wife is using it as a justification for her midlife crisis and temporary insanity-like behavior.

 

Good luck to you as well in your weight loss and job search!

[gaius]

The only thing you can really do at this point is start sending her donuts and hope she eats them, gaining back all the weight she lost.

 

Deb is in the extreme minority when it comes to women. 99% of the time if you date her when she's fat you better keep her fat. Cause she'll lose respect for you on some level if you date her like that. Even if you're the biggest stud in the world. It just doesn't matter. She'll view someone else who didn't put up with that as a bigger prize.

 

You seem like a nice guy, hope everything works out for you. Sucks getting burned like that.

[man_in_the_box]

I'm sorry that happened to you - you sound like a very unique kind of man and it will be a matter of time before your wife realizes what she has lost.

 

I personally have experienced the whole partner losing weight although in my case it was gained during the relationship. If she would have pulled off what your wife has done after staying with her I would be ****ing furious and never want to see her again.

 

I can't understand how you still feel love at this point - but I applaud you for it. But be sure those feelings of forgiveness are genuine and not just what you project because you feel that's what's expected of you.

[Scott Thomas]

The next few days may be the hardest you'll ever face. Hang in there and hold your head high. Her actions only reflect her own selfish desires and immature thoughts.

Can you forgive her cheating and reconcile?

If not, its best that you started moving on-there are millions of women out there, some of whom would love to find a man like you (and they're not fat either). Go get 'em mate.

 

As for the wife, she might return one day-when she's fat, grumpy and alone. I for one, wouldn't stand this betrayal.

[theothersully]

It is hard to try to focus on me, that is certainly true. I think I have defined myself in terms of my marriage and relationship for such a long time, that it has become almost foreign to me to think about just myself.

 

Thank you for the advice, especially concerning being OK with my feelings and the need to have some sort of distractions in order not to be so consumed with this (as I have been for the entire 4 weeks).

 

I do have one question, though, what is "IC"?

 

Thanks again.

 

It's going to take a long time to change to thinking of yourself. It is quite an adjustment frim "we" to "i". I am still having problems with this, a year out. I don't think of the we anymore, though it does work into conversations when people ask about something in the past... but it's very hard to know what you even want after.

[Dimepiece]

Hit the Gym , expose her to everyone. Then prepare yourself for divorce. You are very lucky to not have kids with her. Protect yourself and get the best divorce you can, and ignore her until you served her

[Taramere]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. It sounds like a very clear case of the old saying "it's not you, it's her" writ large. Perhaps she wants to break away from the memory of who she was when she was 120 pounds overweight. That is, after all, quite hugely overweight. It's not fair of course. You helped and supported her through the weight loss - but sometimes when we help people make changes they want to make, they do abandon us at the end of it. They associate us with who they were before they made the changes.

 

If she was, for most of her adult life, 120 pounds overweight, then I should think there's a very high possibility that once the excitement of being this new person starts to wear off/things go wrong in future romances, the pounds are going to start piling back on. I just hope you'll be strong enough not to take her back if (when she's packed all the weight back on) she starts trying to convince you that you were the one true love of her life and she made a terrible mistake.

[worldgonewrong]

The minute you revealed her age - 39 - it all fell into place.

My ex-wife's age at the time she unraveled? 39.

 

(disclaimer- yes, I know, not every man or woman loses their mind at 39, but a helluvalot DO with the specter of 40 haunting them.)

[jphcbpa]

sorry to say this, but she is not coming back. prepare to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

 

lawyer up ASAP

[todreaminblue]

thank you so much for the kind reply.

 

It is good to know that weight loss in and of itself is no excuse or reason to change one's character. It seems my wife is using it as a justification for her midlife crisis and temporary insanity-like behavior.

 

Good luck to you as well in your weight loss and job search!

 

thanks buddy ....for your supportive words

 

there is no justification for what she did...she should be giving you her best you had her at her worst.......she didnt......weak....unfair.......you deserve better....deb

[melissag]

To the OP, I think what the PP meant by gaming the system is behaving in a way that gives you the greatest chance of reconciliation, if you end up wanting that. Telling her you love her, begging her to come home, and acting miserable are the worst possible things you can do. I would suggest buying and reading the book "Divorce Remedy." It has a lot of good info, including a chapter on mid life crisis. It will give you pretty clear rules about what to do and not to do if you want to try to salvage this M. Odds are, you are doing everything wrong, because most of what you should be doing is counterintuitive. But it does have an effect. Since I started using this MO, my H has softened considerably. I won't lie, it takes a TON of patience, self sacrifice, self control and some damn good acting skills, but if you are serious about wanting her back, you can do it. The theory is that your spouse might become interested in salvaging your relationship, but even if she doesn't, you will know that you've done everything you can; you will be proud of the way you handled yourself; and you will have gained back your self esteem and found your own happiness.

[thefooloftheyear]

Dont worry...Once she settles in, she'll likely be a fatass again and her new guy will leave her at the curb for it...You'll get the last laugh...I promise you, you just dont know it yet...

 

You deserve better...

 

TFY

[bubbaganoosh]

When I turned 30, I cried like a baby (not really but it hit me hard) and when I turned 40, meh. 50? I could care less. 60. Enjoyed a nice meal out with friends. Now I just had my 66 birthday and I wanted to take a nap. I do know one thing though. When I turned 30 I didn't need to lose weight or buy a toupee. I looked pretty damn good but I knew that I wasn't a kid anymore and with that, there is no way in hell you can ever get your youth back. You had your turn and now it's someone else's turn.

 

You know what happens when you try to turn the hands of time? You make a king size ass out of yourself. You don't fit in and no matter how hard you try, your not a kid any longer and there isn't thing one you can do about it.

 

If she wants to try to sew her wild oats again, she will soon find out that she doesn't fit in the young crowd any longer and after the damage is done, she'll realize that it wasn't worth the time or sweat. It's too late. I guess it takes some people longer to grow up.

[beach]

So you were good enough when she was heavy but not when she lost weight?

 

Seems she lost her character and integrity with the weight.

 

Now that you know she lacks character and integrity - and she's shown her true colors - it's time for you to accept that she's not the woman you THOUGHT she was.

[littlejaz]

IC is individual counseling.

[AZtragedy]

Wow - thank you to everyone for reading and replying! There are so many kind and thoughtful people on here, and it helps to read all your words of support.

 

I think my wife is definitely having a crisis of identity, age, and other baggage leftover from being heavy for so long.

 

For the past 3-4 weeks since she left me I have been in contact with her quite a bit, as she wants to help me come to terms with this. So far, I have been telling her how miserable I am, how I am sad all the time and that I do not know what to do anymore....

 

Yesterday on this forum I read about Homer McDonald's techniques from his "Stop Your Divorce" book. I listened to some great interviews with him (thanks to the links found on this site), and much of what he says makes a lot of sense. I need to stop whining about it to her, and stop giving her more ammunition for having left me for someone else.

 

Today I sent her a short email that said I agree with her in that what is best for her is what is right. I also said I hope she has a good today, and that was it. I am going to stop appeasing her negative emotions about things, and stop trying to persuade her to come back because I am miserable. A lot of the 180 techniques apply here, too.

 

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, and it feels like the woman I knew is dead, or at least replaced by some zombie version of who she was.

 

I think the right thing to do is to keep myself up as much as I can, be OK with my feelings as they happen, but to no longer repeat them over and over to her. Instead, I will be positive with her, supportive of what she wants, and let her have her way - because that seems to be a lot of what this midlife crisis is about: control.

 

Does this sound like the right thing to do ?

[beach]

I wouldn't engage in any conversations with her!

 

Look man, she's cheating on you! Start showing actions to her that allow her to understand YOU deserve better than being with someone who cheats!

 

 

And tell her point blank "I don't want to associate with a cheater anymore, stop calling me!"

 

 

Do things that make YOU happy! Stay busy and find activities that help you enjoy life and interact with lots of NEW people!