Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

This morning I emailed my wife and told her that I agree with her, that doing what is best for her is the right thing.

 

I am trying to use a 180 technique and a Homer McDonald technique of agreeing with what she wants. I am trying to stop the negative reinforcements that I have been giving her for weeks. I am going to stop telling her I am miserable and lost without her.

 

I want to do this to help myself, to accept that I cannot make anyone do what they do not want, and to focus on the things I can change and control, such as my future.

 

My wife already emailed me back and asked me how I am doing, and she said she is sorry four times for not being honest, for hurting me, and for making me feel helpless in all of this.

 

How should I reply to this email, or should I reply at all? We were already planning on seeing each other for a few mins tomorrow afternoon.

 

Thanks again for all your support out there.

[GorillaTheater]

This may be the first time in your wife's life that she's objectively "hot", and out of immaturity and lack of personal boundaries she's enjoying trying out that new persona on for size.

 

She may come back and she may not; you're goal is to get to the point where you don't care either way. As has been said, you deserve better.

[beach]

I'd cancel seeing her.

 

I'd stop communicating with her - it's designed to relieve her guilt.

 

It will only hurt you more to continue seeing/communicating with her.

 

 

I'd just email back saying you aren't planning to meet her - and that you plan to get the divorce filed ASAP - and that no communication is better for your healing.

 

 

If she asks why - tell her you now see the real version of her - selfish, self centered liar who hurts those she says she loves = and you want no part of that - you deserve better!

 

Then be done with her!

[AZtragedy]

I'd cancel seeing her.

 

I'd stop communicating with her - it's designed to relieve her guilt.

 

It will only hurt you more to continue seeing/communicating with her.

 

 

I'd just email back saying you aren't planning to meet her - and that you plan to get the divorce filed ASAP - and that no communication is better for your healing.

 

 

If she asks why - tell her you now see the real version of her - selfish, self centered liar who hurts those she says she loves = and you want no part of that - you deserve better!

 

Then be done with her!

 

 

Thank you for your advice - I need all the help I can get

 

Maybe part of my problem is that I have not been able to be angry about this, at least not yet....

 

So far I have only felt hurt and sad that this has happened to us. I thought we were "above" these sorts of problems, and I was dead wrong.

 

I think she is having real psychological problems that she is going through, and she is taking out a lot of her pent up anger and resentment over being fat for so long, on me.

 

part of me is thinking I should not return the anger and resentment to her, maybe because that is what she is expecting or wants, to validate her feelings......

[GorillaTheater]

part of me is thinking I should not return the anger and resentment to her, maybe because that is what she is expecting or wants, to validate her feelings......

 

Listen to that part; it's right. Aim for calm, cool and collected at all times. Your apparent indifference will stir her anger, just wait and see. But better that she's on that angry hamster wheel than you.

[AZtragedy]

This may be the first time in your wife's life that she's objectively "hot", and out of immaturity and lack of personal boundaries she's enjoying trying out that new persona on for size.

 

She may come back and she may not; you're goal is to get to the point where you don't care either way. As has been said, you deserve better.

 

 

Yes, I think you are right about this....for the first time in her entire life, she is getting to play the field and get the attention she did not get (other than from me) when she was young. It is immature for a 39 year old to do this, and there is really nothing I can do to stop it.

 

thank you for your replies

[Mr. Lucky]

I am curious what you mean by "gaming the system", though?

 

Thank you.

 

 

Couldn't have put it any better than this:

 

To the OP, I think what the PP meant by gaming the system is behaving in a way that gives you the greatest chance of reconciliation, if you end up wanting that. Telling her you love her, begging her to come home, and acting miserable are the worst possible things you can do. I would suggest buying and reading the book "Divorce Remedy." It has a lot of good info, including a chapter on mid life crisis. It will give you pretty clear rules about what to do and not to do if you want to try to salvage this M. Odds are, you are doing everything wrong, because most of what you should be doing is counterintuitive. But it does have an effect. Since I started using this MO, my H has softened considerably. I won't lie, it takes a TON of patience, self sacrifice, self control and some damn good acting skills, but if you are serious about wanting her back, you can do it. The theory is that your spouse might become interested in salvaging your relationship, but even if she doesn't, you will know that you've done everything you can; you will be proud of the way you handled yourself; and you will have gained back your self esteem and found your own happiness.

 

I bolded one of Melissa's sentences for emphasis. This is one instance where your feelings and instincts will lead you astray. In fact, during the first couple of weeks, whatever your first impulse is to do in your interactions with her, just do the opposite ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AZtragedy]

Couldn't have put it any better than this:

 

 

 

I bolded one of Melissa's sentences for emphasis. This is one instance where your feelings and instincts will lead you astray. In fact, during the first couple of weeks, whatever your first impulse is to do in your interactions with her, just do the opposite ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That is very true....I have been in such shock over this, that the first 3+ weeks I have expressed how miserable I am to her.....I am now re-evaluating this, and realizing that it does not do anyone any good.

 

Although, she did admit that she did not think I would be this hurt and shocked about this...apparently she had convinced herself that I was 'drifting away' like she was feeling (wrong!). She has made one false assumption after another, and expressing my hurt and misery to her has made her realize she was wrong about how I would react. She also does feel bad about hurting me.

 

However, I think from now on I need to be supportive of what she wants, in order to prove to myself that I do not have to have my way to be happy; and, perhaps to get her to move past the negative emotions she was feeling about me and us.

 

I do not have 100% proof, but I have put 2 and 2 together to be quite sure she has moved in with this new boyfriend/affair partner. I would think this is a pretty risky and rocky way to start a relationship - to just jump from one boat to another, with no break. She has been casual friends and co-workers with this guy for more than 5 years, and over the last weeks/months it developed into this romantic/emotional/sexual relationship, causing her to leave me. I has made me feel pretty much worthless and in so much pain. But I think it may be best to stop expressing the pain to her.

 

Thank you

[beach]

Anytime you want to play nice with her remember:

 

She isn't showing you love

She's blown your WHOLE world apart

She's thinking about HERSELF and trying to relieve her guilt

Her ego is out of balance

She's HURT YOU - and she's done it with great purpose!

 

Start taking good care of YOU - she's proven she ISN'T doing it for you!

 

She like the enemy - stomping on your heart! When you quit handing her ALL YOUR power - that's when you will feel more balanced!

 

Take YOUR power back. Don't ALLOW her to interact with you any further. This is what YOU CAN CONTROL!

[pteromom]

I have lost a lot of weight too. I look pretty good. But it has never entered my mind to go out and be single and party again. The difference though is that I did that in my 20s, so I don't have a need to do it again.

 

I can actually understand your wife to a point. She's been in one relationship. She has felt like the REAL her was hiding under all the fat, and she never did all the things she wished she could have done, because she was too self-conscious due to her weight.

 

What I would say to her, if she was here, is that she can reclaim the "real her" without divorcing. It sounds like you are a very supportive and loyal husband, and I am sure you would have supported her if she wanted to travel, get new hobbies, get new friends, have some adventures, or whatever. Other men don't have to be part of making life fun and exciting and celebrating yourself. You could have even taken on some of those adventures with her.

 

So the way she is approaching this is naive, IMO. She thinks she has to scrap her old "fat" life in order to embrace the new her, and that's a mistake. She's throwing out the good (you) with the bad.

 

And I am really sorry she decided to have an affair. That was a mistake too, and it is just clouding her judgment.

 

What is probably going to happen is once the honeymoon period wears off in her current relationship, she's going to realize that she was better off where she was. It's very possible she's going to come back to you and ask for another chance. It's also possible she'll want to be single.

 

So what should YOU be doing?

 

You should go to a counselor. Talk through all your feelings. Get to a place where you will be OK no matter what she does.

 

You should work on making your own life meaningful and adventurous. It does you no good to sit around being sad about what is going on. This is your chance to get out there and date and have fun. I know you don't really feel like it, because you just want your wife back, but you have to live in reality. If you have some good friends, ask them to help you, and take you on adventures. Take up new hobbies. Spend time in nature.

 

You should NOT be a crutch for your wife. She chose this, and now she needs to go out and stand on her own. If she has you as a shoulder to lean on and a "backup plan", she doesn't really have to live fully with her choice. So you need to disengage from her and not be there as her friend, as much as you want to.

 

Honestly, you sound like a smart and level-headed guy, so I think you are going to be ok no matter what happens.

[beach]

She's not honest.

 

She essentially changed your M without expressing to YOU how she felt. She made plans with another man without including you in her life changing plans.

 

That's not nice! She was married to YOU! She owed it to YOU to express her feelings - yet she didn't - then she took all those feelings and dumped them on ANOTHER man! That's NOT LOVE within the marriage! That's purposely taking actions to ruin your marriage!

 

She started planning a NEW life - and left YOU out of her plans! That's not kind and loving!

 

Tell her! These are the reasons you need to disassociate from her toxic plans!

 

She has single handedly ruined what you had! It IS all on her! She did this! Dump it ON HER!

 

She has to live with her own conscience - and you may as well give her YOUR truth - and state the evidence of what is REAL!

 

After telling her - no reason to go back to her for more excuses of rewriting your marital history - of listening to her make assumptions about how you felt - about helping her to justify HER BAD BEHAVIOR!

 

 

She wants you to clear HER conscience - don't allow that - it's all on her!

[pteromom]

I do not have 100% proof, but I have put 2 and 2 together to be quite sure she has moved in with this new boyfriend/affair partner. I would think this is a pretty risky and rocky way to start a relationship - to just jump from one boat to another, with no break.

 

This is a pretty typical MO of a girl in her early 20s, and I guess in many ways, your wife fits that profile since she never went through that phase the first time. She never learned how to stand on her own.

 

As far as you feeling worthless, you have to remember this has NOTHING to do with you. This is all about her, and you are just collateral damage. This isn't your fault.

[AZtragedy]

She's not honest.

 

 

 

She has single handedly ruined what you had! It IS all on her! She did this! Dump it ON HER!

 

She has to live with her own conscience - and you may as well give her YOUR truth - and state the evidence of what is REAL!

 

After telling her - no reason to go back to her for more excuses of rewriting your marital history - of listening to her make assumptions about how you felt - about helping her to justify HER BAD BEHAVIOR!

 

 

She wants you to clear HER conscience - don't allow that - it's all on her!

 

 

you are right about these things....she does feel guilty for hurting me, and somewhere in her conscience, she knows she has done a terrible thing. I do not want to help her clear her conscience, that is for sure.

[AZtragedy]

 

As far as you feeling worthless, you have to remember this has NOTHING to do with you. This is all about her, and you are just collateral damage. This isn't your fault.

 

 

Thank you for your comments and advice - I appreciate them all!

 

It is ironic you wrote the above; in fact, yesterday she told me pretty much the same thing. She said that honestly this is more about her than it is about me.

 

I am trying to remember that....I definitely feel like collateral damage, or like I have been wrongly sentenced for a crime I did not commit.

[GuyInLimbo]

Hit the Gym , expose her to everyone. Then prepare yourself for divorce. You are very lucky to not have kids with her. Protect yourself and get the best divorce you can, and ignore her until you served her

 

I know I sound like a broken record on this, but WHY "expose her"?? What good does that do? That's stooping to her level. It makes you look like a desperate chump, a weakling. IT SERVES NO GOOD PURPOSE. Period. And, frankly, it's no one else's damn business.

 

The manly thing to do is move on and work on yourself, make yourself happy. Happiness is your best revenge.

 

That said, every time I read that someone is splitting up with their first "love," I'm not surprised. People change too much and when you aren't exposed to anyone else while maturing, it's very difficult to figure what you REALLY want. I certainly don't condone what your wife did. These "I'm in love with him" affairs rarely ever last.

 

I wish you luck in your healing!

[dichotomy]

Why in the world would you want her back?

 

You already sound like you might have self esteme issues at this point. If she comes back you want to deal with all the "amazing sex" she is having with all these new studs - then lets talk about your loss and bad feelings - you were not enough for her once she lost the weight. You were good enough for "fat" her - but skinny her thinks she deserves more and better.

 

Stop telling her how sad you are - get mad and get on with your life.

[Porridge]

I feel like one of those phoneys that claims everything has happened to them. In this case? Yep, been there, worn the t-shirt.

 

Back in 2009, the stbxw embarked on a crazy diet and went from 170lbs to 105lbs. As this happened, she'd also joined a band and as a pretty girl, she received a lot of attention. It completely went to her head and she went from mother of two babies to 'I am now a local superstar and sex symbol'. She became distant, arrogant, sought other men etc.

 

Now this quote stood out for me...........

 

Dont worry...Once she settles in, she'll likely be a fatass again and her new guy will leave her at the curb for it...You'll get the last laugh...I promise you, you just dont know it yet..

 

This is absolutely spot on. The only condition is that you'll have to wait a few months, so for now just sit back and enjoy the show

 

Here's where they go wrong. She lost the weight and thinks she's crossed the finish line. But what happens once you've crossed the finish line? You stop running - and thereby your wife/ex will slowly see the timber return.

 

In my case, the wife came grovelling back nine months later, back to approx 170lbs, claiming she'd been 'in a bad place' and that it had been caused by post natal depression. It was only because we had a three year old and a baby of less than a year that I decided to try again. The thought of being an away Dad when they were so young troubled me.

 

But alas, she eventually did it all again and now we are well and truly done. I wouldn't tell you what to do - it's up to you to decipher whether this is mental anguish, selfishness, a 'blip' etc. Whatever you choose though, know that her world will come tumbling down and in the meantime, the best thing you can do is get on with your life and make it clear that she has no control or influence over you.

[Just1me]

I am so sorry. This is truly tragic to hear. A neighbor down the street from me did the exact same to her husband but left him their 2 young boys. It is heart breaking for them. I totally feel for you. I am devastated because my husband basically traded me in for a girl half our age. I feel old, worthless, and just sad. We were married 22 years. Hang on, all we can do is live one moment at a time one day at a time right now.

[beach]

Read co dependent no more by melody Beattie (sp)

 

Your happiness should never depend that much on what others do or don't do.

[pteromom]

She said that honestly this is more about her than it is about me.

 

 

It's not just more about her than about you - it's ALL about her. Somewhere in her head, some spark ignited where she felt she might be happier single and free and living the life she should have lived in her 20s. Then she started convincing herself that she was unhappy so she'd have an excuse to do it. But if everything you wrote is true - that you had amazing sex, similar interests and values, never argued... then she had it very good and her leaving had nothing to do with anything you weren't doing.

[bubbaganoosh]

Stop worrying about her feelings. It's obvious that she doesn't care about yours.

 

It's not up to you to make her feel good, bad or indifferent. Your job right now is taking care of yourself. Sooner or later she'll see that if she's seeing some other guy because of all of this, that the OM is going to show her his best side only. Hell, the guy will try to walk on water for her and do anything he can so her can get to the end result with her which is the bedroom. After a while is bravado will start to spout leaks and the real him will slowly come out. Guarantee you, it will be a far different person than she thought. Then comes the fun part when she realizes that he isn't the guy she thought he was. Happens all the time and both he and she aren't exceptions to the rule.

 

Move on and find someone who can treat you right. She's out there, you just have to find her.

[HokeyReligions]

You are right. At some level in my mind, I know I have to accept that perhaps she is not worthy of reconciliation. She is choosing a selfish path for herself, and has convinced herself that it is best for me, too, since she is not willing to keep trying to make it work.

 

Thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it.

Keep telling yourself this. You have joy ahead of you. It will take time to get there but keep moving forward. She doesn't deserve you.

[AZtragedy]

It's not just more about her than about you - it's ALL about her. Somewhere in her head, some spark ignited where she felt she might be happier single and free and living the life she should have lived in her 20s. Then she started convincing herself that she was unhappy so she'd have an excuse to do it. But if everything you wrote is true - that you had amazing sex, similar interests and values, never argued... then she had it very good and her leaving had nothing to do with anything you weren't doing.

 

 

I think you are right, that it is all about her and not me....we truly did not have any major problems outside of in the end her bottling up her feelings and emotions, influenced by the weight loss, to the point where she could not tell me how she was really feeling and what she was going through...every other area was great.

 

Thank you for your reply

[AZtragedy]

I really want to thank everyone who has read and/or replied to this thread I started, just last night. I am truly thankful to you all - I have been feeling so far down in a pit for the last 4 weeks....I have been thinking that the world is such a terrible place, where love, kindness, and basic human decency seems to be a fleeting, temporary thing. But, everyone on here so far has been so very nice, kind, and thoughtful in their replies. I truly appreciate the kindness you have all shown me so far. After being basically abandoned by my wife with no warning at all, it has been a scary, lonely, and depressing world to be living in. I only have about 2 other people I can talk to in my life about this, other than my wife. She really was such a huge part of my life.

 

I hope to keep learning from all of you, and taking one day at a time to try to regain my sense of self, and try to get my life into some sort of coherency again.

 

I am glad I signed up here.

[trippi1432]

Simple fact - if she were losing weight for herself (because she cared for and loved herself) she would not have needed to have an affair to see her own value, she would have sought that out with her own husband.

 

In addition - she might feel as if you are the only relationship she ever had and that didn't help her grow as a person....life is about growing together, supporting each other (which is what it sounds like you did) but she couldn't do for herself.

 

Is it a mid-life crisis? Most likely...but even those are as bad as affairs because it means they don't see the value in the person who loved and cared for them, they seek validation in themselves because they don't believe in their own abilities...and that is something you will never be able to fix.