Wife loses weight, then leaves

[imtooconfused]

I do know that every 3 days or so she will send me a short email asking me "how are you doing?"

 

This is covered in the No Contact guide. These are called "breadcrumbs" and are not intended to connect with you, but merely to make her feel better. They are actually quite selfish and mean.

 

Quite honestly, these should be ignored and not responded to in any way, as it does not serve any productive purpose. If you absolutely, positively feel the need to respond, the only response that I would personally give is "Moving on."

[bubbaganoosh]

It really is over.

. She does not want the house, any of the "stuff", nor any of the money. She wants a divorce so she can be with someone else, and I am left with a sort of consolation prize - all the "stuff". Yuck.

 

MAKE SURE YOU GET THAT IN WRITING! If she doesn't want any of the "stuff", then great! When she files for divorce you make sure that all of that is documented.

 

Stop taking her money and make an agreement that states everything she said and another letter stating that she's not under duress or pressure and it's her own free will. After that, change the locks, turn it into a man cave and enjoy your life. Once she see's that you have moved on, then her power is gone. That's what it is. A great big power trip from a woman with no common sense. Her loss.

[AZtragedy]

As always, thank you so much to everyone who has read and/or replied here - I do appreciate every piece of advice and am taking it all to heart.

 

I guess I am just really down today....it has been a tough day, thinking about all of this. I woke up after a dream of her, and it all came back into my mind so fast and I am having a hard time stopping.

 

I am still considering the best way for me to respond next time she emails me and asks how I am...I see that many people would either ignore it or respond with some degree of anger. I am not sure what my problem is, but I just cannot seem to do it. Part of me feels that would be sinking down to her level - to fight it out in the trenches, so to speak. So far we have been very "friendly" in terms of not getting angry or calling each other names, etc.

 

Another part of me feels that if I tell her straight out that I am 'moving on' or I am doing fine, that will be giving her what she really wants...which is my being OK with her running away and leaving me. Is that a crazy way to think of it? I think sometimes that she would be relieved or even happy knowing that I am just fine after she lied, cheated and abandoned me.....and I honestly am NOT fine or able to just move on....I am doing my best to take care of myself, and try to deal with everything, but I am by no means "ok". The thought of being dishonest even with someone who has so totally screwed me over, still bothers me....

 

So I am still torn as how to respond. Maybe I will just say that I am "trying my best", since it is ambiguous and does not give much info either way....

 

I know, I know that I should stop obsessing over these sorts of things and thoughts, but I cannot seem to help it.

Edited November 2, 2013 by AZtragedy

[Taramere]

I am still considering the best way for me to respond next time she emails me and asks how I am...I see that many people would either ignore it or respond with some degree of anger. I am not sure what my problem is, but I just cannot seem to do it. Part of me feels that would be sinking down to her level - to fight it out in the trenches, so to speak. So far we have been very "friendly" in terms of not getting angry or calling each other names, etc.

 

It sounds as though her checking up on how you are is a source of added stress for you rather than giving you anything positive. If that's the case, then there's always the option of responding "I'm sure you're well intentioned in checking up on me in this way, but it's preferable that you don't. If I'm in need of any emotional support, I have other sources."

 

That would be polite, but it would also be appropriately chilly - and a clear message that you're detaching from her.

 

Another part of me feels that if I tell her straight out that I am 'moving on' or I am doing fine, that will be giving her what she really wants...which is my being OK with her running away and leaving me. Is that a crazy way to think of it? I think sometimes that she would be relieved or even happy knowing that I am just fine after she lied, cheated and abandoned me.....and I honestly am NOT fine or able to just move on....I am doing my best to take care of myself, and try to deal with everything, but I am by no means "ok". The thought of being dishonest even with someone who has so totally screwed me over, still bothers me....

 

You don't need to get into it with her. She has no right to know what's going on in your head and your heart right now.

 

So I am still torn as how to respond. Maybe I will just say that I am "trying my best", since it is ambiguous and does not give much info either way....

 

I know, I know that I should stop obsessing over these sorts of things and thoughts, but I cannot seem to help it.

 

That's natural. I don't think anything any of us say will stop you from doing that at this stage...but one thing that is eminently controllable is the way you respond to any emails she sends. I think you're best served keeping it polite, chilly and remote. I'm certain that that's the tone you would, in the long term, be most glad you used. As you already know, there's no need to cheapen yourself by getting vitriolic with her - but being overly warm and friendly with her at this point, after what she's done, isn't necessarily good for your self respect.

[Yasuandio]

I read somewhere that a good response might be:

 

"I'm thinking things over right now." (say nothing else - except "gotta go.")

 

Yas

[AZtragedy]

I read somewhere that a good response might be:

 

"I'm thinking things over right now." (say nothing else - except "gotta go.")

 

Yas

 

 

That actually is a pretty good response, since it is truthful and yet does not say much....

 

Thank you for your reply!

[Chi townD]

Personally, I'd say don't respond. Why? Is it going to bring her back? Nope!

 

Dude, the only reason she's sending you texts is to check up on you. She knows she destroyed you. She took everything from you and willingly gave it to someone else. You admitted to her that you are in a bad place without her. She knows this and she's concerned. She doesn't want to be responsible for your suicide. Therefore, she's been checking in periodically to make sure you didn't off yourself. If she knew you were 100% fine and okay...she wouldn't be checking up on you. She doesn't do this because she cares about you, she just doesn't want that on her conscience.

 

Don't give her the satisfaction. She made a choice to leave you. To have you out of her life. Therefore, you give her exactly that. If she texts you, ignore it and post about it here instead. People will be here to walk you through it.

[Yasuandio]

Some are saying she contacts you out of guilt, to make sure you didn't "off yourself."

 

She could just be morbidly curious of why you are ignoring her with NC (when her ego was feeding off the pleading, begging, and I love U's). A sudden change may get her concerned that some is taking her Medcedes out for a drive. Someone did mention the word Narcissist. She may still feel a certain claim over you - like property.

 

Another reason for her contacts is to insure that there is a back-up plan in case this new thing (i.e., "the fog") fizzles out. Why burn a perfectly good bridge (in her head, she believes you love her even more now because she's skinnier - but she's to dumb to realize you loved her as a person and you loved her soul).

 

And, as others have mentioned, she needs a place to go if the weight creeps back on - which often happens.

 

Those are a few reasons she may be staying in contact. Always remember that the dumper has an agenda when they you whilst there still carrying on with their affair partner. Any agenda the dumper has is not for your benefit. If you want to heal, the best thing to do is stop all contact. There are 2 different versions of NC at the link at bottom of my signature. One at the top (TaraMaiden's) and one lower down called Calguy's. The only time to listen to them is when the totally drop the affair and come to you and say "I love you, and I'll do anything it takes to save the marriage.". And don't buy it the first time come here.

 

If you cannot stop yourself from answering her calls, you have some suggestions, but KNOW that your wounds will remain open, and you will make little progress, as you sit around and await those That is the worst possible thing for your psyche. I know, because I've done it. And how do you feel after each call they grant upon you? You feel like shyt, that is how you feel, and will continue to feel. Plus, you'll look like a wimp, waiting for breadcrumbs. Sorry, but that's the truth, Hon. Now go read those nC articles and the 180 on same site. Yas

[AZtragedy]

Thankyou Yasuandio and Chi townD for your advice and replies....I do think you are both correct in saying that no response would be better than continuing to take more breadcrumbs and giving her the satisfaction of having total control over not only this whole situation, but over me as well.

 

She has done such a cruel thing to me, that it has taken me this entire 4+ weeks to even begin to see it as bring cruel.....it was such a shock...

 

It hurts to still care so much for someone who has completely disrespected and hurt me....I am going to try my best to stay away.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, that's going to be the hardest for you. In the past, when she would text you, it was almost automatic that you respond. And NOT to respond doesn't feel natural.

 

So, if she texts you again, ignore it. Fight the urge and come on here and post about it instead of responding to her.

[AZtragedy]

How awful for you.

 

Similar thing happened to me and I too was devastated. What would I do? Who would want me?

 

Well, it is very trite I know, but time is a great healer. As time went by I found myself thinking about us less and less and relating to other people more and more.

 

Sure enough, a year or so down the track, things didn't work out for her and she wanted to come back. Too late.

 

I know you will find this works out for you too. It is not the end of the world, not a door closing but rather a door opening onto a new chapter in your life.

 

Keep positive - life WILL workout.

 

Tj

ReclaimLostLove.com | Reignite That Flame...

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts - and to everyone else as well.....

 

It has been a rough few days....I cannot get this off my mind. Today I was off work, and to keep myself busy I cleaned the house, lifted weights for an hour, and took a 45 minute walk around the neighborhood....despite all that, this is on my mind constantly. I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself, but I keep thinking about what has been lost. It did not have to be this way....

 

I know it is going to take time for this to heal, and to begin to feel like a real person again, rather than a trauma victim.....I am looking into counseling and am doing everything I can to take care of myself.

 

It is just so hard, so much of the time. I still feel so much loyalty and love toward her, even though she has destroyed me. I still miss her not being here, or being around to talk to and just be with. I still desire her very strongly. I still miss all the little things that she did......

 

I suppose this post is just to vent...thanks for reading anyways....

[RightThere]

Yeah. Right now I'm sure it feels like you are just going through motions. But keep it up.

 

Those 2 minutes where you don't think about her suddenly become 5 minutes, then an hour.

[AZtragedy]

Amongst the millions of thoughts racing through my mind at all times, today for some reason I focused on something my wayward wife said to me the last time I saw her (last week), and I remembered she also asked me the same thing during an online chat a week or two before.....she asked me: "if our roles were reversed, what would I have done?" (!)

 

Thinking about that actually got me quite angry, and anger has not come easily thus far......when she asked me that in person, I think my response was, "I have no idea".....

 

I think it is pretty twisted and evil to ask this question to the person she cheated on and is married to. Is this another way of her shifting guilt away from herself? Another attempt to transfer her shame elsewhere, by making it seem as though she "had no choice"?

 

How can people become so conniving, cruel and completely different than the way they were for years and decades, in such a short amount of time? This sort of foggy behavior is really distasteful, to say the least....

[JAG26]

 

I think it is pretty twisted and evil to ask this question to the person she cheated on and is married to. Is this another way of her shifting guilt away from herself? Another attempt to transfer her shame elsewhere, by making it seem as though she "had no choice"?

 

Reason is because people want to reduce cognitive dissonance. My sympathies and feelings are with you bro. I'm almost in the same boat. I still wish all of this is a bad dream and we can wake up from it.

[Chi townD]

Amongst the millions of thoughts racing through my mind at all times, today for some reason I focused on something my wayward wife said to me the last time I saw her (last week), and I remembered she also asked me the same thing during an online chat a week or two before.....she asked me: "if our roles were reversed, what would I have done?" (!)

 

Thinking about that actually got me quite angry, and anger has not come easily thus far......when she asked me that in person, I think my response was, "I have no idea".....

 

I think it is pretty twisted and evil to ask this question to the person she cheated on and is married to. Is this another way of her shifting guilt away from herself? Another attempt to transfer her shame elsewhere, by making it seem as though she "had no choice"?

 

How can people become so conniving, cruel and completely different than the way they were for years and decades, in such a short amount of time? This sort of foggy behavior is really distasteful, to say the least....

 

 

Who cares?!?!?! With her asking the wouldva, chouldva, shouldva questions! The point is YOU didn't cheat in your marriage. SHE DID! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!

 

Now, what changes have you made to the house? Also, have you looked on line for area clubs that you can join? Like a running club, or a cycling club, or dive lessons, or a cooking class, or a photography class or community theater....SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU BUSY!!!!

 

Grab a friend and go on a get away weekend doing something fun! You're in AZ, there are places to do some white water rafting, or cattle driving....go do it!

[RightThere]

Amongst the millions of thoughts racing through my mind at all times, today for some reason I focused on something my wayward wife said to me the last time I saw her (last week), and I remembered she also asked me the same thing during an online chat a week or two before.....she asked me: "if our roles were reversed, what would I have done?" (!)

 

Thinking about that actually got me quite angry, and anger has not come easily thus far......when she asked me that in person, I think my response was, "I have no idea".....

 

I think it is pretty twisted and evil to ask this question to the person she cheated on and is married to. Is this another way of her shifting guilt away from herself? Another attempt to transfer her shame elsewhere, by making it seem as though she "had no choice"?

 

How can people become so conniving, cruel and completely different than the way they were for years and decades, in such a short amount of time? This sort of foggy behavior is really distasteful, to say the least....

 

Her sole purpose here is to make you second guess your own morals and think "maybe I would have done what she did".

 

But it's a load of crap. I'll bet in the time you've been married, you've had women come onto you. I sure did. But I never ever let it cross that line. Even into an emotional affair.

 

It's her way of justifying what she did because she still will not accept responsibility for what she did. It's still someone else's fault, it was the situation.

[AZtragedy]

Reason is because people want to reduce cognitive dissonance. My sympathies and feelings are with you bro. I'm almost in the same boat. I still wish all of this is a bad dream and we can wake up from it.

 

You are right - it is an attempt to ease her own mind, at the expense of mine. Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation....I can completely relate to the wishing to wake up from this nightmare.

[AZtragedy]

Who cares?!?!?! With her asking the wouldva, chouldva, shouldva questions! The point is YOU didn't cheat in your marriage. SHE DID! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!

 

Now, what changes have you made to the house? Also, have you looked on line for area clubs that you can join? Like a running club, or a cycling club, or dive lessons, or a cooking class, or a photography class or community theater....SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU BUSY!!!!

 

I know, it is true that this is 100% her fault....it is cowardly what she has done - running away and then trying to justify herself after the fact.

 

As for the house I have rearranged furniture in a couple rooms, and have been doing yard work as much as possible.....that is a good idea to join some sort of social club or class, or maybe volunteer somewhere...thank you for your ideas.

[AZtragedy]

Her sole purpose here is to make you second guess your own morals and think "maybe I would have done what she did".

 

But it's a load of crap. I'll bet in the time you've been married, you've had women come onto you. I sure did. But I never ever let it cross that line. Even into an emotional affair.

 

It's her way of justifying what she did because she still will not accept responsibility for what she did. It's still someone else's fault, it was the situation.

 

I think you nailed it - she is not accepting full responsibility for her actions, she is setting up all these situational and individual justifications. You are also right about other people - never once did I let anyone get in a position where I could be tempted, or allow myself the opportunity to do so. She did, and that says something about her character. I just thought (and knew) that she knew better....it is so disappointing.

[Misadventure]

This is heartbreaking and I felt the same as well at one point. You can't let yourself wallow into a ball and dive into the depression and let it consume. Please read about the 180's, one foot in front of the other.. as hard as it is at first.

[AZtragedy]

This is heartbreaking and I felt the same as well at one point. You can't let yourself wallow into a ball and dive into the depression and let it consume. Please read about the 180's, one foot in front of the other.. as hard as it is at first.

 

 

You are so right, it is hard to even put one foot in front of the other....I am trying not to let this consume me, although it definitely has hurt me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. I am trying as much of the 180s as possible, and that is hard, too.....

 

I read your story on this board, and there are some parallels...like you, I have been so disturbed and profoundly sad about everything that has happened. I try not to think about the "whys" so much now, but it is really hard not to think about what has been lost.

[dj572]

I can relate. My ex said almost the same thing to me almost word for word. We were also the first for each other. She had gastric bypass and lost almost 200 lbs. She had always been heavy even in elementary school. I supported her through the whole experience and was even left with the debt from the surgery and the new wardrobe.

I know how bad it hurts. It's been 4.5 years since she left but I still have times i get angry when I think about how I feel like she used me. I was good enough when nobody else noticed her but as soon as the weight started coming off she forgot all about me until she needed something. I cut off contact 3 years ago and it has gotten easier but I still have moments that it bothers me. I found a hobby that keeps me busy now. Hang in there it gets easier.

[crederer]

I hate reading posts like this. I feel bad for you man.

 

This probably isn't what you want to hear but she was a bad person she just managed to hid it. She's very selfish.

 

I've never been in your shoes but I've known a few other people that were. One woman I know got a tummy tuck. Few months later she was cheating like crazy and talking smack about her husband saying he's overweight and she's not attracted to him anymore. uh......you're overweight too you just got a doctor to cut it off. He liked you when you were fat, these other men didn't. She has since gotten remarried and put a lot of weight back on.

 

It's actually quite sad for him and her. The fact that she's this type of person is sad in itself, and the fact that he paid for her surgery just so she could go around being the town slut is maddening to think about.

[AZtragedy]

I can relate. My ex said almost the same thing to me almost word for word. We were also the first for each other. She had gastric bypass and lost almost 200 lbs. She had always been heavy even in elementary school. I supported her through the whole experience and was even left with the debt from the surgery and the new wardrobe.

I know how bad it hurts. It's been 4.5 years since she left but I still have times i get angry when I think about how I feel like she used me. I was good enough when nobody else noticed her but as soon as the weight started coming off she forgot all about me until she needed something. I cut off contact 3 years ago and it has gotten easier but I still have moments that it bothers me. I found a hobby that keeps me busy now. Hang in there it gets easier.

 

Man, I am sorry to hear about that....your situation is very similar to mine, alright. I just cannot wrap my head around how much a person's mind and emotions can be so changed by losing a lot of weight. My wife told me she didn't think she would be the kind of person that would be affected by it, but then she said it did affect her, and she is "sorry"......not nearly as sorry as I am.

 

I really do not think I can ever cut off contact - the thought of it makes me despair even further. I hope this does get easier, because every time I think I am making a little progress feeling a little less sad and depressed, I seem to hit a new low, like today. Thank you for your post.

[AZtragedy]

I hate reading posts like this. I feel bad for you man.

 

This probably isn't what you want to hear but she was a bad person she just managed to hid it. She's very selfish.

 

I've never been in your shoes but I've known a few other people that were. One woman I know got a tummy tuck. Few months later she was cheating like crazy and talking smack about her husband saying he's overweight and she's not attracted to him anymore. uh......you're overweight too you just got a doctor to cut it off. He liked you when you were fat, these other men didn't. She has since gotten remarried and put a lot of weight back on.

 

It's actually quite sad for him and her. The fact that she's this type of person is sad in itself, and the fact that he paid for her surgery just so she could go around being the town slut is maddening to think about.

 

 

Yes, the bad side of her has really taken over....I have begun thinking of this "new person" she says that she is now as the "zombie" version of her, and the wife I knew and loved for so, so long is dead.

 

I always supported every single thing in her life, no matter what it was. I cannot think of a single time when I questioned her motives, feelings or anything else. I am so disappointed in her for refusing to see how much she means to me, and somewhere beneath this new zombie, I know she needs me, too.

 

I am having such a hard time with all of this....it has really destroyed my views on pretty much everything in life. I just cannot grasp how 16 years of friendship/love/marriage can be so quickly and nonchalantly thrown aside, in favor of something else. I do not know how to deal with it.