Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

Omg....I am so very sorry you're going through this. Crushed me to read your story. The support and love that you gave your wife during her weight loss journey is incredible...women wish and dream to find a man half as loving as you were. You deserve true mutual selfless love and your wife, for one reason or another, is not capable of giving that to you. I suspect that sometime down the road after satisfying her needs and exploring life in her new body, she will regret leaving.

 

As others have advised, you need to accept that the relationship is over and move on with your life.

 

You will never fully get the answers you're looking for as to why or how this happened. In the end, the reasons don't matter because it won't change anything. All you can do now is love you and focus on getting yourself back together again. Be selfish, greedy, arrogant if you need to....love yourself and heal.

 

This is the time to focus on becoming a better and stronger man. This is the beginning of a new chapter for you...endless and beautiful possibilities..

 

All the best of luck to you.

 

Thank you for your kind words and advice....this has been so incredibly difficult and overwhelming for me. My wife really has been the center of my life for such a long, long time. I never ever expected her to not give me any indication at all whatsoever that she was thinking of leaving. I suppose part of that is because her emotional affair suddenly turned physical, and as soon as that happened she felt so consumed and guilty and everything else all at once, that her decision became final. Even if she had been "drifting" in her mind, she needed to tell me what was going on with her. She never let on at all..... she had no right to find someone else, or let herself be tempted by another man while we are married. There is no excuse for an affair. What she did, and is still doing, is wrong in every sense of the word.

 

I am doing my best to keep it together, but it sure is painful and difficult.

Edited November 7, 2013 by AZtragedy

[RightThere]

I am definitely trying one hour at a time, one day at a time, at best.

 

Keep that up. I can remember when I couldn't go 5 minutes without thinking about it and having a panic attack. If you're up to an hour, you are on your way! Just know that you're progress, then fall back, then progress, then fall back.

 

Just as long and the fall backs aren't too often, you'll still be getting better everyday.

[GreatDadAlways]

This is a carbon copy of my experience nearly two years ago.

 

18 years and we had it all. Then on New Years Day 12:15 AM ... Happy New Year I want a Divorce. Only later did I discover the affair.

 

Hang in there because it does get better. Start dating immediately. Not to find a relationship but to meet new people, have fun and be distracted from the hell that you are going through.

 

That's what I did and I met some amazing people and stumbled upon a wonderful woman who shares my family values and morals.

 

What I have learned is that people change and re-write history to justify their poor choices. Be confident in who you are and the fact that you are a great guy who will be true to who you are.

 

Oh ... and rest assured she will put the pounds back on.

[RightThere]

What I have learned is that people change and re-write history to justify their poor choices.

 

So very true. And they will make you doubt your own memories in an attempt to make their version of history the correct one.

[AZtragedy]

This is a carbon copy of my experience nearly two years ago.

 

18 years and we had it all. Then on New Years Day 12:15 AM ... Happy New Year I want a Divorce. Only later did I discover the affair.

 

Hang in there because it does get better. Start dating immediately. Not to find a relationship but to meet new people, have fun and be distracted from the hell that you are going through.

 

That's what I did and I met some amazing people and stumbled upon a wonderful woman who shares my family values and morals.

 

What I have learned is that people change and re-write history to justify their poor choices. Be confident in who you are and the fact that you are a great guy who will be true to who you are.

 

Oh ... and rest assured she will put the pounds back on.

 

Wow sorry to hear that this happened to you, as well....New Year's is a tough time to have to hear something like that (not that there is a good time)....

 

What you said about people re-writing history is so true. In fact I am going to write more about that in my next reply....

[AZtragedy]

So very true. And they will make you doubt your own memories in an attempt to make their version of history the correct one.

 

This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling pretty much all afternoon and evening today (other times, too). She has been so good at re-writing the history of not the marriage so much as WAYYY back, 8 to 14+ years ago....things that I really do not even recall. Things that at the time we had agreed on as the right way to go about things.....choices that were made TOGETHER, even though now she acts or has convinced herself that I made the decision and she "had" to go along with things.....oh boy.....

 

Like you said earlier about the color of grass, and her being able to make you doubt it enough to concede that maybe grass isn't "really green"....that is just right on the money....pure psychological and emotional manipulation.

 

She really has even made me doubt the way things actually DID happen. I know she is re-writing things in her mind in order to justify her actions and deceit now, because she never brought any of these sorts of things up before....how insidious to have to reach way back into the past to try to find things that can be somehow held against me now, despite being OK with everything through so many years......

Edited November 8, 2013 by AZtragedy

[OpheliaSong]

She doesn't love herself so she is incapable of loving anyone else. She is trying to validate herself by external attention, and she will never be happy.

I hope you find someone who appreciates and loves you for you.

[2sunny]

You are all completely right. What happened yesterday was not only cringe-worthy, it was also foolish and degrading to myself.....

 

This morning, after a good night's sleep (no dreams about her) for the first real time in the 5 weeks since she suddenly left, I woke up angry. I think this is a good sign. Perhaps after reaching rock bottom yesterday, and hurting myself even further, for the first time I feel like what she has done is completely nuts. What she has done to me, IS the worst thing anyone can do to another person....it is torture, it is cruel, and she has murdered our marriage.

 

This "new person" that either she is or is pretending to be is a murderer and a torturer and an evil person. She threw away 16 years of real love and a great life, and then like was said here, treats me like a little boy who lost his goldfish.

 

Finally I am feeling pissed off about this....she is a crazy person who has no regard for what I feel or what this is doing to me. What sort of a person says absolutely nothing about being unhappy, never complains, and never lets on that they are having problems, and then out of nowhere one day after work says they cheated on me and are in love with them and not me, and then suddenly leaves? Someone with BIG problems, that's who....

 

I have to say, this feeling of anger feels much better than the hollowed-out despair I have continually felt for 5 weeks solid.

 

Yes, she's torturing you!

 

More importantly YOU are INVITING her to do it! You keep ALLOWING it!

[AZtragedy]

She doesn't love herself so she is incapable of loving anyone else. She is trying to validate herself by external attention, and she will never be happy.

I hope you find someone who appreciates and loves you for you.

 

Thank you for expressing what I have been trying to make coherent in my mind....you are right on - she has a very bad self-image. I always knew she could be fragile (aren't we all?)...but I truly never imagined that losing weight would trigger such an identity crisis/validation race/midlife crisis....

 

It does sadden me to think that she probably never will be happy. I have been talking with my father and brother about this exact point. My wife and I had finally reached a point where we "had it all" - 16+ years to back up the strength of our relationship, enough money, "stuff", and jobs we did not hate.....I was really going to bring up the prospect of trying to have a child in the near future, and had a couple vacation ideas ready to go.....and, she has chosen to throw it in the trash in exchange for a phantom, or an illusion/delusion, or whatever.....I do still love her, even after what she has done and who she thinks she is now.....these are some of the reasons I am so sad about this, all the time. As angry as I probably should be, I just feel so sad....

[AZtragedy]

Yes, she's torturing you!

 

More importantly YOU are INVITING her to do it! You keep ALLOWING it!

 

 

you are right....I feel ashamed for being so weak yesterday. I am allowing her to continue to wield so much power and control over me. I am trying hard to be strong, and move forward. But, I will admit, I am still learning the hard way.

[beach]

you are right....I feel ashamed for being so weak yesterday. I am allowing her to continue to wield so much power and control over me. I am trying hard to be strong, and move forward. But, I will admit, I am still learning the hard way.

 

You need counseling. Please, get some help in getting some balance back in your life.

 

Everyone here keeps telling you what not to do - yet you go and create more harm for yourself.

 

You're inviting her to torture you at this point. Please, get help.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

Do you feel that somehow because of her weight issues and her insecurities, that she isn't responsible for her decisions? Do you feel you are making excuses for her in some way because you can't believe the woman you knew would be this cruel?

In Support,

Grumps

[Criticality]

I'm really sorry for ya AZ, but I gotta say... The fact that you were completely oblivious to such an important question, as whether the wanted children or not, kinda says that maybe this is for the best.

 

It sounds like the state of the relationship was a lot worse than you thought? Maybe you were so happy about the idea of your perfect relationship, dream house etc. that you were oblivious to the fact that it wasn't as good in reality?

 

Just be happy that there weren't kids involved, and try to get over the bitterness and "what ifs". It's different when there are kids involved, but your wife didn't have a duty to stay with you or try to fix it. She was unhappy, and she thought she might be happier elsewhere. That's it. Should she have tried to fix your marriage instead? If she thought it was worth trying to salvage, yes. But she didnt. She moved on, as you need to do. If you can do so without bitterness or regret and learn from it, you'll come out better in the end.

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

Do you feel that somehow because of her weight issues and her insecurities, that she isn't responsible for her decisions? Do you feel you are making excuses for her in some way because you can't believe the woman you knew would be this cruel?

In Support,

Grumps

 

 

I suppose to some degree I have been making excuses for how she could turn into such a different person. The reality is, though, that there is no excuse or rationalizations that justify cheating, deceit and abandoning me without ANY prior complaints or discussions at all....thank you for your support.

[AZtragedy]

I'm really sorry for ya AZ, but I gotta say... The fact that you were completely oblivious to such an important question, as whether the wanted children or not, kinda says that maybe this is for the best.

 

It sounds like the state of the relationship was a lot worse than you thought? Maybe you were so happy about the idea of your perfect relationship, dream house etc. that you were oblivious to the fact that it wasn't as good in reality?

 

Just be happy that there weren't kids involved, and try to get over the bitterness and "what ifs". It's different when there are kids involved, but your wife didn't have a duty to stay with you or try to fix it. She was unhappy, and she thought she might be happier elsewhere. That's it. Should she have tried to fix your marriage instead? If she thought it was worth trying to salvage, yes. But she didnt. She moved on, as you need to do. If you can do so without bitterness or regret and learn from it, you'll come out better in the end.

 

 

Well it is not oblivious so much as something that started as a misunderstanding 10+ years ago, as now she brings up a conversation that I do not even recall, where she got the impression I never wanted children, although I do not think I ever said that. Like I told her recently, I thought we had time to get to whatever it was we ever wanted....

 

I do think that I was oblivious to how she was changing as a person, and oblivious to the the emotional affair she started with her coworker which has led to where we are now....I never stopped her or said anything to interfere with her having friends - she used to say she was proud that I was not the jealous type at all. When I think back over the last 6 months, which would be the maximum time period that this really had developed, I cannot recall one single time where she had a serious complaint, or said she was drifting away from me, or that she was feeling differently about ANYthing.......there were come communication problems here, definitely, but she had no right or reason to go outside of the marriage to alleviate these problems. In fact, the problems are not being addressed, they are being given up on, and left behind in favor of a substitute - her new relationship. When she tells me that one of her big factors in this is that she felt she didn't get to experience some things when she was younger, because of her weight, it really crushes me, because I the one who has to suffer for it. When she tells me that it bothered her that she would only have one sex partner her entire life, I take the fallout for that, too......

 

We made a commitment to each other, a promise; but, she has decided to disregard that as well as my feelings altogether, in pursuit of her own selfish interests.

 

It is a good thing that kids are not involved in this - it would be so much more difficult. Plus, now it is "easier" for me to "start over" and move on and etc......I did not want this, nor do I still....I do know that I have to take care of just me now, but it is so hard to lose the only person I ever cared about, and to lose her so quickly....

[RightThere]

This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling pretty much all afternoon and evening today (other times, too). She has been so good at re-writing the history of not the marriage so much as WAYYY back, 8 to 14+ years ago....things that I really do not even recall. Things that at the time we had agreed on as the right way to go about things.....choices that were made TOGETHER, even though now she acts or has convinced herself that I made the decision and she "had" to go along with things.....oh boy.....

 

It's amazing how they remember things. My STBXW and I did engagement ring shopping together. She initially wanted one style but I gave her my honest opinion of it (I didn't like it). Then one day she actually brought me an advertisement from the paper showing one we both liked. So I bought it.

 

Now during our separation, she tells me she's always hated her engagement ring and holds a grudge against me for it. Granted she didn't get her first choice because she ASKED my opinion of it, but she remembers it that I forced her into something she didn't want.

[RightThere]

When I think back over the last 6 months, which would be the maximum time period that this really had developed, I cannot recall one single time where she had a serious complaint, or said she was drifting away from me, or that she was feeling differently about ANYthing.......there were come communication problems here, definitely, but she had no right or reason to go outside of the marriage to alleviate these problems.

 

Now you're the one in the fog.

 

She has been unhappy for much longer than that. She just never showed it or communicated it. She may have thought she was communicating it, but it was probably pretty indirect. And you may have been a bit too comfortable in your marriage so it was on auto-pilot. She may have seen that and taken it that you didn't care anymore (even though I'm sure that wasn't the case).

 

Things don't fall apart like that from happy marriage to walking out to door to another man in 6 months. But it's not of much value now to try and see where it happened. Just know that it did.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude! It's Friday! What's your gameplan? What are you planning to do to keep busy?

 

Stated that you work out (I hope that's still a thing). Did you change your hairstyle? I know you went to contacts. Did you move stuff around your house? Are you going to window shop for new furniture? Have you looked into area clubs that you might be interested in? Dude, I'm telling you it helps. Hell, I got a meet up this weekend with my Reef Dive Club (still trying to convince the group to see about a diving tour to see Aquarius. It the last underwater Sea Lab left in the world!) But, I belong to about 3-4 clubs. I get out there and I meet folks! They aren't going to bite and will welcome you in. No problems. You just got to put yourself out there!

[GreatDadAlways]

You are going to have bad moments, bad days and bad weeks. But remember you didn't change ... she did!

 

Get out there and find the things that make you feel alive again. I love fishing and last winter the guys wanted me to go chase Steelhead in 20 degrees. I pulled the gear together and for an entire day I lost myself in the outdoors.

 

Maybe my dating suggestion isn't for you but you have to keep busy. My friends happen to be married with children of their own. Dating for me was a way to find people I could make plans with. ChiTown said he's active in his dive club. Working out is great but it's too individualized for what you need right now.

 

I guarantee, the first time another woman shows interest in your interests you will be consumed by conversation for hours. Tell me when that last happened with your STBXW.

 

This board is great for keeping your thoughts in line but please get out there and meet new people.

[AZtragedy]

GreatDadAlways:

 

Thank you for your support and encouragement - I am trying to stay busy, outside of work so I do not have too much time to sit and stew....you are right, she is the one who changed - so much that I don't know who she is any longer.....and you are right about when I meet a woman who shares my interests...it will make things look much differently whenever that happens.

 

Chi TownD:

 

Thanks for more suggestions and encouragement for getting active and out and about with other people....I am just starting to look into these sorts of things. I did buzzcut my hair (although I don't know if I will keep it that way), got contacts, am exercising a LOT, and I rearranged the furniture in a couple of rooms...I can't really afford to buy anything right now, as my living costs doubled and paying for everything is pretty much going to eat up all my monthly income. I am continuing to teach myself some computer programming languages, which I had been working on for some time before my wife nuked everything last month.....

 

RightThere:

 

It is true, I was very comfortable in the marriage, and I thought the auto-pilot was doing a decent job. I thought these things because she did not say one single thing to me about feeling bored, drifting apart, etc etc. We said I love you every day, we had 'date night' every Saturday night, we ate dinner together at least 4 -5 a week, all was great in the bedroom, and we had talked about so many plans for the house right up until the last couple weeks before the end....someone else on here pointed out that she has a very poor self-image. That is very true, because she is seeking validation and attention from people other than me - she left me completely out. I know now that many of these issues have their roots in her weight problems, and then losing weight and becoming this "new person"...

 

But, like you said, at this point the "whys" do not matter anymore. It is just so hard to think about how much she changed...

 

your engagement ring story is a perfect example of re-writing history, too. I suppose this is done to rationalize or self-justify the irrational...

Edited November 9, 2013 by AZtragedy

[AZtragedy]

I am feeling on the edge of breaking down and writing my wife an email.....

 

This has been a miserable day - I cannot stop thinking about what has happened. I feel like writing and telling her that we can work things out, that I am feeling miserable, and that I love her...I feel like I need to tell her how I am feeling......oh boy......

 

please help -

 

Will someone please explain to me why NC or not writing this email is a good idea, again?

 

Edited November 10, 2013 by AZtragedy

[strive]

Because you will never heal if your mind is constantly on your situation. You're driving yourself crazy with all your overthinking.

 

You want to write an email because you're hoping she would respond they way you want her to. But she NEVER WILL. Your expectations will only get you even more depressed.

 

What have you been doing to keep your mid off this? I think it's time for you to do something incredibly distracting. And drastic. Like skydiving or rock climbing.

[Steadfast]

This has been a miserable day - I cannot stop thinking about what has happened. I feel like writing and telling her that we can work things out, that I am feeling miserable, and that I love her...I feel like I need to tell her how I am feeling......oh boy......

 

please help -

 

Will someone please explain to me why NC or not writing this email is a good idea, again?

 

 

Because she KNOWS how you feel. How many times can you say the same thing? It isn't the telling you want, it's hearing. You want a response saying she feels the same way but you're fishing in an empty pond.

 

Read these simple words and let them sink in. Do this. They are words based not only on my experience, but on the experiences of many.

 

You are intent on showing her that you still love her. Despite all that's happened. You wish to prove your love is deep and lasting. Your frustration is based on the brick wall these proclamations are hitting. You respond with more, hoping she'll understand. Meanwhile, she's wondering why you don't understand. She wondering why you aren't accepting that her actions are based on the way she feels. Words are cheap. If you truly want to know how she feels, look at what she's doing. Not her words, and not what you think you should (or can) convince her to do. She's not confused. You are.

 

Except in cases of abuse, women do not leave men they are in love with. You must accept this very basic reality. If she loved you, she'd be there. Once you accept this truth, your path will become clearer. Your actions will become more focused. This understanding will not erase the pain, but it will give you the direction you need to move on towards something better.

 

Be warned; when she senses you are moving on she will attempt to reel you back in. Not all the way, but just enough so you're handy again. See, she doesn't want you but I promise that she finds comfort in knowing your available if needed. In other words, she wants to use you if it suits her.

 

You wanting, needing and pleading also feeds her wayward relationship. It keeps her lover engaged (which she likes) and makes her more desirable to him (which she loves). You're in the bag. To many, rejecting is a rush.

 

For now, one thing at a time. You won't 'ruin' anything by giving her exactly what she's asking for; her freedom from you. Lovers leave lovers, it's a fact of life and promises won't be kept if promises weren't genuine. Accept the situation and leave her alone. No talking. No reaching out. Let her decide for her and you decide for you. That will ground you in reality.

 

Hang in. Get your rest, try to eat right and move that body around to get the blood pumping. Like an physical injury, nurse this emotional one. The pain is there for a reason. It shows you're still alive. Post here. Be smart.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am feeling on the edge of breaking down and writing my wife an email.....

 

This has been a miserable day - I cannot stop thinking about what has happened. I feel like writing and telling her that we can work things out, that I am feeling miserable, and that I love her...I feel like I need to tell her how I am feeling......oh boy......

 

please help -

 

Will someone please explain to me why NC or not writing this email is a good idea, again?

 

 

Because you know that all it will do is make you feel much worse.

 

And you are familiar with the definition of insanity, right?

[AZtragedy]

Thank you for your responses and your support.....

 

Oh this is so difficult.......you are all right, that I am looking for the response that I want, and not paying attention to her actions. She has left, and she made up her mind.

 

It has been so hard to accept, and so hard to live with every single day.

 

I am trying to live day by day and keep myself active and my mind busy....sometimes I just cannot focus.

 

This is by far the hardest situation I have ever been in.