Author AZtragedy Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 Because she KNOWS how you feel. How many times can you say the same thing? It isn't the telling you want, it's hearing. You want a response saying she feels the same way but you're fishing in an empty pond. Read these simple words and let them sink in. Do this. They are words based not only on my experience, but on the experiences of many. You are intent on showing her that you still love her. Despite all that's happened. You wish to prove your love is deep and lasting. Your frustration is based on the brick wall these proclamations are hitting. You respond with more, hoping she'll understand. Meanwhile, she's wondering why you don't understand. She wondering why you aren't accepting that her actions are based on the way she feels. Words are cheap. If you truly want to know how she feels, look at what she's doing. Not her words, and not what you think you should (or can) convince her to do. She's not confused. You are. Except in cases of abuse, women do not leave men they are in love with. You must accept this very basic reality. If she loved you, she'd be there. Once you accept this truth, your path will become clearer. Your actions will become more focused. This understanding will not erase the pain, but it will give you the direction you need to move on towards something better. Be warned; when she senses you are moving on she will attempt to reel you back in. Not all the way, but just enough so you're handy again. See, she doesn't want you but I promise that she finds comfort in knowing your available if needed. In other words, she wants to use you if it suits her. You wanting, needing and pleading also feeds her wayward relationship. It keeps her lover engaged (which she likes) and makes her more desirable to him (which she loves). You're in the bag. To many, rejecting is a rush. For now, one thing at a time. You won't 'ruin' anything by giving her exactly what she's asking for; her freedom from you. Lovers leave lovers, it's a fact of life and promises won't be kept if promises weren't genuine. Accept the situation and leave her alone. No talking. No reaching out. Let her decide for her and you decide for you. That will ground you in reality. Hang in. Get your rest, try to eat right and move that body around to get the blood pumping. Like an physical injury, nurse this emotional one. The pain is there for a reason. It shows you're still alive. Post here. Be smart. This is so true.....thank you for the excellent words of wisdom. Everything you said is right on. I have to do like you said, and I have to accept reality for how it is, not how I think it should be. It is so tough..... Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 AZtragedy: I don't know what your spiritual practices are, but I have noticed that you seem to be stuck on the acceptance aspect of what she has done. It may be a good idea to look up acceptance on the web and reflect on ways to do that. The Buddhist spiritual practice of letting go and acceptance are very good for expelling the negative feelings and disbelief you may have at this situation. Once you accept that she is gone and isn't who you thought she was, you can learn to let go of your expectations that she will ever come back and resume your life as it was. Focus on- Acceptance Letting Go Start writing in a notebook or journal so you can get this out of your system. Write everything you feel and then you will not feel the need to write to her. In support, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 AZtragedy, it may help you to find relief if you write an email. But it will only cause more pain if you send it, she reads it and doesn't give you the response you expect (which you have no reason to be expecting at this point anyway). Therefore I suggest you write the email but leave it in the drafts folder, unsent, forever. Or even better yet... do an internet search for "private journal web site." There are several, and I found a good one. There you can write your thoughts and keep them private. And I suggest that you write the letter you want to send her on that private journal site. In this way, you can get those feelings out of your system but they won't have any unintended consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 ...I have to accept reality for how it is, not how I think it should be. It is so tough..... It is. You love your wife. How could it not? Don't feel bad for feeling bad. Heed my warning when you let go as things will change dramatically. At that time, it is her who will then feel the loss. In what measure I cannot say, but it'll present a bigger challenge than what you are currently facing. Being pushed and pulled when you're hurting will test your resolve. Always remember to judge actions, not words. Be smart and strong. Look deeper. I meant what I wrote before. You have been given a very rare gift; the chance to find real love. Real fulfillment. Cherish this opportunity. I do understand it doesn't feel like that now, but trust me, it will. Trust right. For now, day by day. Hour by hour. Don't force yourself to go out and act like nothing is wrong. IMO, a person can't mourn properly running around. Surround yourself with the peace found only at home. Read, study and focus on being constructive at work. Home will be waiting. Be kind to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 I am feeling on the edge of breaking down and writing my wife an email..... This has been a miserable day - I cannot stop thinking about what has happened. I feel like writing and telling her that we can work things out, that I am feeling miserable, and that I love her...I feel like I need to tell her how I am feeling......oh boy...... please help - Will someone please explain to me why NC or not writing this email is a good idea, again? If you want to write her a letter, than write the letter! Actually, putting your feelings down on paper is very therapeutic! And once you're done writing this letter, DO NOT SEND IT TO HER!! Post it here instead. Post it here where people actually give a rat's ass about what you're going through because, we've been in the same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) These are all great replies.....thank you all so much for all of your words of wisdom and support. It was a terribly tough weekend...my mind was racing all the time, my heart rate would elevate, I would feel panicky, and I could not stop talking to my family about it all night. They are trying to encourage me to feel more anger about what happened, because so far, I have been feeling mostly sad and depressed. I will occasionally have an few minutes of anger and it quickly dissipates. Anyways I spend a lot of time sleeping over the weekend, which was a good relief from my stressed out mental state. Also, I do appreciate the advice about the Buddhist practices of acceptance and letting go.....I am agnostic, but I have read and value many Buddhist and Taoist type philosophies and practices. I do have to let go, and it is so very hard... Edited November 11, 2013 by AZtragedy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) Confession time..... I know I am going to catch holy hell for this, but I am owning what I do and feel, and have to let this out. Last week I started with IC, and since it was only the 1st session, I did not get a whole lot out of it. The one point that I did get was that it is OK to be honest about how I am feeling, and not try to pretend that I am not feeling these things. Last night I called my wife's mother, and she is always glad to speak with me. Just for the record, she is on my "side" and thinks my wife is crazy and is making the wrong decision by leaving me for another man. She does say, however, that she is her daughter and has to be supportive of her, too. OK.....well we spoke for about 30 mins and the one thing that stood out to me is when she said that my wife told her that I have "changed a lot" since this all happened...I asked what that means, and she says I am much more open and honest and willing to talk about my emotions and true feelings on everything now. (I wanted to say, "well duh - I have never been abandoned by my wife before"), but I just said that this is who I am, and she could have asked me about this at any time before... So, a couple hours later, my mind was racing (as usual).....and let me preface what I am going to say with how much I really do appreciate all of the advice and insight everyone on here has provided to me. I have been listening, truly, and I am doing my best to heed the advice of those who have been in my place before.... I wrote my wife an email (against the advice of so many here) ---- "I feel the overwhelming need to tell you some things. I miss you so, so much....Being without you is the worst experience in my life.....I feel so sad, low, and regretful that I did not know how you were struggling and changing. The future without you, without the chance of having a family together, and all the love and hopes and dreams that we did share, is so agonizing. I have cried every single day since you left. I am so miserable without you. I keep thinking of the children we should be having, and what a beautiful future that would be. The tremendous amount of love that is still there to be shared. Why oh why does it have to be so? The other evening I began seeing a counselor. It was not earth shattering of course, but it always feels good to talk about things. I have to keep talking about this, because it is so, so important. I am going to keep going with the counseling, and making myself a more open, better person. I apologize that I caused you to feel like you could not say certain things to me, or that we could not talk about some subjects. I have no excuses. But I do know that things can be better. Please believe me that you have always been, and still are, the most important person in my entire life. I would give anything, ANYTHING to make things work...this is all so needless and does not have to be. We can make things so much better than they ever were before. Please do not leave me.....Please come back. This is straight from my heart to yours.... I love you so much" So, in my moment of what some will say is terrible weakness, that is what I wrote....despite so many people telling me to back off, to not be a doormat, to have more self-respect, to go NC.....this is what I did, and I admit it. The part of me that justifies what I wrote is that I am being honest, with both myself and with her. After speaking with her mother, and finding out that my wife believes that I have "changed", I felt like I needed to tell her these things. I know that I apologized to her, even though she is the one who owes me so many apologies...I know that I let her know I am miserable and maybe that fuels her power trip, but I really am miserable. It is not a lie......I know it was not an alpha-male thing to do, but our relationship dynamics and philosophy of life was never about things like that, or gender specific roles (she has always been a feminist)..... A few hours later she wrote back, and this is her reply: "Thank you for being honest about how you are feeling and updating me with your counselor visits...I truly, truly hope that seeing someone will at the very least allow you to continue talking about how you are feeling and what you are going through. I genuinely hope that the combination of time and the support you are actively seeking now will help you to make peace with all the emotional upheaval you are experiencing. Please take care of yourself. I promise that I only want you to be happy, and I hope that in time you will be once again. Love, (her name)" So that is where I am. I do not feel ashamed for writing this to her, because it is how I really do feel. I do feel bad that it is against the advice of most people on this forum, and many feel it would be better to write this email here and not send it at all....but I did, and she responded. That is where things stand. Please proceed with the floggings and upbraiding - perhaps I deserve it. Edited November 11, 2013 by AZtragedy Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Don't feel bad. It's part of the process I'm going through as well. We don't learn anything unless we actually experience it ourselves. Just know that her response is definitive. She is no longer your wife. She doesn't love you in that way anymore. You are still struggling to accept that (so am I). But once you do, the real recovery for you will begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Don't feel bad. It's part of the process I'm going through as well. We don't learn anything unless we actually experience it ourselves. Just know that her response is definitive. She is no longer your wife. She doesn't love you in that way anymore. You are still struggling to accept that (so am I). But once you do, the real recovery for you will begin. Thank you... As for her response, I don't know......I am not a good judge of pretty much anything right now, but I thought her response was pretty vague. I made it very easy for her to slam the door in my face by saying I want her to come back and talking about having children. But, she did not even address much of anything I said, other than the counseling. As always, I just don't know about anything anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I'm not going to flog you. You did what you felt that you had to do. But the result of emailing her, her response... "Please take care of yourself. I promise that I only want you to be happy, and I hope that in time you will be once again." I hope that you accept that her response is the opposite of your intended outcome. She wishes you well and is happy that you are getting over her but she has not changed her mind and is moving on. She has no intention of reconciling. For her it's over, and it should be for you too. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Dude, it is ok. You did what you felt is right. I texted my ex 2 days ago. I broke NC but I am back on it again. I don't think my ex has a guy yet but I'm probably being stupid. Your exw reply says it all. Move on and the only way you can do it is not contacting her. If my exw had a guy already i would already have let go. I have no kids. From what I read you don't either. I realize I am done with her, I am moving on.There are other women out there that you can fall in love with at some point. I am not looking but they have just showed up. Good luck. Keep posting Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 I hope that you accept that her response is the opposite of your intended outcome. She wishes you well and is happy that you are getting over her but she has not changed her mind and is moving on. She has no intention of reconciling. For her it's over, and it should be for you too. Thanks for not flogging me! I did not think that sending an email telling her how I am feeling (again) was going to get her to suddenly change her mind......even though that is what I still want, even after her cheating, lying, and disrespecting me in the worst possible ways.... I have been feeling like I needed to make sure she 'gets the message' how much she means to me, and that I am willing to at least try to work things out. As she has maintained this entire 6 weeks, she is not interested in working things out and has made up her mind, left me, and is with her affair partner. I would say that 90% of me knows and believes this reality. There is the other 10% that wants to hang on, wants to believe in a miracle, wants to keep reaching out.....after 16 years it is so hard to deal with all of this, especially because (to me) it was so sudden and unexpected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Dude, it is ok. You did what you felt is right. I texted my ex 2 days ago. I broke NC but I am back on it again. I don't think my ex has a guy yet but I'm probably being stupid. Your exw reply says it all. Move on and the only way you can do it is not contacting her. If my exw had a guy already i would already have let go. I have no kids. From what I read you don't either. I realize I am done with her, I am moving on.There are other women out there that you can fall in love with at some point. I am not looking but they have just showed up. Good luck. Keep posting thanks for the reply - you are right, it felt like the right thing to do....I am moving on in most ways, except for the part of me (maybe 10% or more) that wants to hold out hope that she will "snap out of it" or realize what she has done.... no, we do not have any kids, which makes this "easier" as far as the details, but it does make me very lonely....I do not have many friends (my wife was my one best friend) and my side of the family is very small.... I am the sort of person that wants to share life with a woman...I know that I will find someone who will not treat me this way, someday....in the meantime, it is so miserable..... Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Dude , It is just me and my cat. I live in the boons north of Atlanta. I am here with my Cat watching Monday night football. You need to learn how to be alone without being lonely. 2 different things. My D was final in Sept after being together 20 years, married 16. She is the one that wanted this. There is more life to live and when I meet someone that takes my breath away I will react. Right now I am alone but not lonely. Learn to do that. My Thanksgiving plans are to make a big pot of chili and watch football. Some neighbors will probably invite me over and I will go for a bit but I will come back here by myself and enjoy it. You will be fine. Just takes time. Good night Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Also, remember she will gain the weight back.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) Dude , It is just me and my cat. I live in the boons north of Atlanta. I am here with my Cat watching Monday night football. You need to learn how to be alone without being lonely. 2 different things. My D was final in Sept after being together 20 years, married 16. She is the one that wanted this. There is more life to live and when I meet someone that takes my breath away I will react. Right now I am alone but not lonely. Learn to do that. My Thanksgiving plans are to make a big pot of chili and watch football. Some neighbors will probably invite me over and I will go for a bit but I will come back here by myself and enjoy it. You will be fine. Just takes time. Good night That is ironic, because I have one cat as well.....my wife insisted we keep him when she found him when he was only 4 weeks old....fit right into the palm of my hand.....I know a cat is not a person, but it also bothers me that she could just up and leave him behind, along with me. She used to call him her 'little boy' every day......she is such an animal lover, and then she leaves him. I know she trusts me to take care of him, and I do, but she really loves this little cat...... Sorry to hear about your being together so long, and then her wanting the divorce. Sounds so similar to my problems... I am really dreading Thanksgiving, and the holidays. I am going to ignore them as much as possible. Thank you for your words of encouragement - I hope that eventually, before too long, I will be alright...this has really taken a toll on me, and I feel like I am not 'me' anymore. You are so right about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I am going to have to learn the difference.... And yes, you are probably right - she will gain the weight back and be back where she was a few years ago. I do not want to take credit for her hard work and discipline in losing and keeping off the weight for the last 3 years, but I helped and supported her literally every single step of the way. I thought it was going to make us even closer and stronger, and boy was I wrong....maybe someday she will realize how much support I always was for her. Edited November 12, 2013 by AZtragedy Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) .....I am agnostic... Maybe so, but that's not keeping you or anyone who regards God as undefinable from worshiping something. I'm pretty sure you can figure out where you stand with that AZ. No marriage or woman can fill that void. I have been feeling like I needed to make sure she 'gets the message' how much she means to me... You've made sure to make it worse AZ. That you can know for sure. I'd wager most giving you advice saw this coming. No one is surprised. The healing you need will come with practice, and like any skill you'll need to practice it over and over until it is mastered. It's the process of moving on that heals you. It's doing the work. You're looking forward to 'that time' but that will never come until you want healing more than you want her. I hope that eventually, before too long, I will be alright...this has really taken a toll on me, and I feel like I am not 'me' anymore. You're hoping she'll change her mind and come back. How's that going? Hoping won't bring you $hit. You need awareness. You need perspective. A good place to start is realizing the reason you don't feel 'like yourself' is because your identity was wrapped up in the relationship. Being married to her and your life together was who you were. It's gone, you're lost. Somewhere, at some time, you decided that you needed to give her your all; to live and exist for her. In return, you probably expected the same. This is not her fault, it's yours. You made yourself dependent. You made happiness conditional on your wife. No one can stand up under that. This does not excuse her actions. They can't be excused. But it might explain her motivation. You're asking her to re-purchase an item she's already returned once. You're blinded by need and oblivious to her pity. Before you can move on from this you must understand what it is you're moving on from. It is up to you and you alone to fulfill your needs. Others can advise and encourage, but the work is yours and yours alone. Edited November 12, 2013 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) You're hoping she'll change her mind and come back. How's that going? Hoping won't bring you $hit. You need awareness. You need perspective. A good place to start is realizing the reason you don't feel 'like yourself' is because your identity was wrapped up in the relationship. Being married to her and your life together was who you were. It's gone, you're lost. Somewhere, at some time, you decided that you needed to give her your all; to live and exist for her. In return, you probably expected the same. This is not her fault, it's yours. You made yourself dependent. You made happiness conditional on your wife. No one can stand up under that. This is very true. I think I am able to admit this to myself, and like you said, it takes practice over and over to move beyond this and find my true identity, separate from the marriage. I very much made my identity, my security, and my fulfillment dependent upon her and the life and love we shared. It worked so well and so beautifully for so long...then, unbeknownst to me, it stopped working for her.....so temptation, selfishness, midlife crisis, external validation, and escape became more important to her than the marriage. It has been, and is still, very hard to detach from all of this, at least partially due to how long it lasted, and how important it was to me. One thing that came out very soon after she told me of her affair and her wanting to end the marriage, was that she thought I would 'know what she was talking about' and would agree that we were "drifting apart"....she projected what she had been feeling onto me, and she was completely wrong. I assume this is due to the fog her EA/PA had enveloped her in, and her reasoning became based upon falsehood. The reason I bring all this up, is because that is perhaps why I have been so 'desperately' trying to get her to realize that I was not 'drifting'. She made so many false assumptions leading up to ending the marriage, and since she never said a word to me about any of it before telling me it was all over, I suppose this is my 'having my say'..... That does not help me to move on, or to accept what is happening here. It does not speed up the healing process, or help me to detach my identity from the marriage....but in some way, in my mind, I feel like I am getting to express myself and tell her the things we should have had the chance to speak of before she let things spiral out of control. You are right, though, I do need perspective and that has to include accepting reality for what it is, rather than what I hope for. Obviously I am struggling with that, very much.... Edited November 12, 2013 by AZtragedy Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I totally hear what you are saying. Her perception of the marriage was totally different than yours. She checked out long ago and thought you already knew this. It's a mirror of my own situation. But telling her now that it wasn't how you felt, doesn't do much good. What I've come to realize is that although it's hard to accept, sometimes it is too late. You'll always find people who will tell you that "it's never too late", but sometimes it is. And accepting it is not failure. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 And although women think they are great at communicating, they are not. They suck at it. As bad as men. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 AZ: I would just offer this...do not ignore the holidays. If you try, you will be disappointed at how much all the memories come through. Stay extremely busy, spend them with family or friends, make sure that you try to emotionally prepare yourself that you will feel this sadness acutely. Since it is Thanksgiving coming, try to be grateful. I know it seems odd to say this due to your situation, but placing value on what you do have...your health, family, friends, cat, job, good coffee, a perfect pair of work boots, etc. you start to shift your focus on lack. Vicktor Frankl wrote a very moving book called "Man's Search for Meaning" about his time in the concentration camps in Germany during WWII. He lost everything...his family, his home, his freedom, his friends, his job, his usefulness, and his dignity. Yet, after wallowing in pity and anger, he vowed that there was something they couldn't take away from him...his ability to react to his situation with hope. Even though he lost so much, he focused on what he still had...his life, a possible future, the birds singing in the courtyard, the smell of the green grass after the rain, his friends living one more day. He learned to focus on what he still had, and he survived this trauma to go on to be one of the foremost Psychologists in the world on trauma helping other people to overcome. My point is that your life is never going to be the same, but your quality of life doesn't have to be destroyed just because of her choices. You have the ability to choose hope for a better future, hope that you heal and move on from this terrible betrayal, and hope for joy and happiness to not feel like a chore every morning when you wake up and realize that she is gone. Best of Luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 And although women think they are great at communicating, they are not. They suck at it. As bad as men. That is for sure....she kept all this completely bottled up within herself, only to explode and destroy everything around her. I will admit that my communication skills need work. I thought I would get the chance to work on them when/if something ever came up between us....well, thanks to her, I did not get the chance. Since she had spent a few months in an EA with this nutsack before it turned into a PA, it was completely up to her to communicate with me that she thought things were changing or whatnot. She failed at that, completely. At least I can go on knowing that it was not a failure on my part - I am not a mind reader; in fact, I thought things were fine. It is true, that telling her what I feel now and then does not change the situation - she is still living with that lowlife and has not come back....but, since she keeps telling me that she appreciates my honesty about my feelings and emotions, and that she told her mom that I have "changed", I have also felt like I may as well say my side of things, since I had no choice in anything....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 AZ: My point is that your life is never going to be the same, but your quality of life doesn't have to be destroyed just because of her choices. You have the ability to choose hope for a better future, hope that you heal and move on from this terrible betrayal, and hope for joy and happiness to not feel like a chore every morning when you wake up and realize that she is gone. Best of Luck, Grumps This is a great reply, and I thank you for it....you are right, she should not be able to destroy everything because she made all the choices and selfishly left me out of the process...thank you for the advice - I will try to be more hopeful and thankful for what I do still have as time goes on. That would be a good way to start the day in the morning - to hope for a better day ahead, rather than agonizing over how she is not here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Sorry guys, but IMO there was no 'deep, dark thing' that she was struggling with alone...for months. That is classic cheater talk to keep you from determining that she acted on her lusts and desires. This blame shifting is common and one of the reasons why it all seems so odd, out of place and sudden. That isn't to say she wasn't thinking about it for a long time though. Cheaters -especially female cheaters- hate being labeled a slut because that is the overwhelming emotional guilt they are struggling with. Much better to lay upon the betrayed hubby a tale of long-suffering grief that ended in her taking drastic measures to protect her sanity. Don't buy it. Flush this BS with the rest of the crap and wise up AZ. I'm not writing this response to advise her, I'm writing it to you. It only stands to reason if you're stronger and wiser, you'll make better decisions. Start doing that now. Stop trying to figure her out. Work on figuring you out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Sorry guys, but IMO there was no 'deep, dark thing' that she was struggling with alone...for months. That is classic cheater talk to keep you from determining that she acted on her lusts and desires. This blame shifting is common and one of the reasons why it all seems so odd, out of place and sudden. That isn't to say she wasn't thinking about it for a long time though. Cheaters -especially female cheaters- hate being labeled a slut because that is the overwhelming emotional guilt they are struggling with. Much better to lay upon the betrayed hubby a tale of long-suffering grief that ended in her taking drastic measures to protect her sanity. Don't buy it. Flush this BS with the rest of the crap and wise up AZ. I'm not writing this response to advise her, I'm writing it to you. It only stands to reason if you're stronger and wiser, you'll make better decisions. Start doing that now. Stop trying to figure her out. Work on figuring you out. I like the reasoning behind what you are saying here....it certainly feels like she has been trying to get rid of as much of her guilt as possible by assigning it to X, Y, Z, and me. I was feeling really down the last several hours, and had another round of anxiety and tears....but, after reading your post, I feel a bit better. You are right - it is so much BS to shift and deflect blame from herself and her selfish choices. Thank you for your thoughts, they do help. Link to post Share on other sites
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