Author AZtragedy Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 AZ: Crying and carrying on and sharing experiences and stories is what this place is for, I believe. I read your thread and one thing I kept thinking was...at least he can see that some really, really nice people have had similar stories of their spouses leaving them. It isn't you, it really is her. Do you have a plan in place for Christmas yet? Planning is good! Grumps thank you - it does help to vent about all this, and to get great replies from people like you who have so much wisdom and insight into these sorts of things..... It really is HER, not me. I will always be able to say that I tried my very best to hold up my end of this marriage, whereas she did not. As for Christmas and Thanksgiving....I am really dreading them. The only plans I have at this point are to spend them with what is left of my side of the family - my father and younger brother. We are probably going to keep it very low-key and quiet. We will be able to commiserate, since my father lost my mother to a very unexpected death many years ago at a young age (48)....and my brother's wife of 4 years very suddenly left him, too, with no warning a few years ago....so the three of us have all very suddenly lost our spouses at some point. strange coincidences. Thanks again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 At some point you'll have to not just recognize, but accept her decision. You will have to decide if she retains power over you or if she doesn't. If you want her to have that power, then you will continue in devastation and loss until you meet someone to take her place. At that point, you'll hand the power over to the new woman and the cycle will start all over again. That's what I see when I read your posts. Dumped really does have the right idea; he's finding himself again, even if it's just with frozen dinners and a cat. When I was going through the process of loss, grief and devastation the only thing I wanted to eat was peanut butter or eggs. I practiced and in time made the most amazing omelets. I made so many damn omelets! I did that, and with the support of a very dear group of (impartial) friends I slowly found my footing so I could work productively and take care of my kids (living with me). It was slow. Bottom line: The world is full (I mean FULL!!) of women who dream of finding a loving man to share life with. Good people. My advice is to store that knowledge away and focus on the healing that comes with practice. You must reject feeling victimized in favor of accepting the fact that your wife made decisions that ended your relationship. Period. Resist thoughts of her 'paying' for her actions. LET HER BE. Pull your head OUT and look around. You have a chance to live a life you never dreamed. Dream of THAT! Like a physical injury, an emotional injury needs time and care to heal properly. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and attack the injury. Stop looking for someone or something to take the pain away. Heal it yourself! As I wrote before; you will begin to heal yourself when your desire to be healed is stronger than your desire for her to return. You keep typing that you "can't wait" until you feel better so you can enjoy life again. Go find a mirror and give that person the memo. Do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Ex just texted me"can I call you tonight?" I have not talked to her since early October. I just replied, "busy" and then she asked me what I was going to be doing. I did not reply. I have to say I think I am moving on quicker because I found out July 2012 that she had lied about who she went to Europe with for 3 years in a row. In reality I was angry about it for 1 1/2 years already, so that anger has passed and I'm in the middle stages now. It just takes time AZ. We will all be fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Awesome post, Steadfast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Ex just texted me"can I call you tonight?" I have not talked to her since early October. I just replied, "busy" and then she asked me what I was going to be doing. I did not reply. ^^^^ GOOD! Keeping doing stuff like this. She does not control you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Ex just texted me"can I call you tonight?" I have not talked to her since early October. I just replied, "busy" and then she asked me what I was going to be doing. I did not reply. That's the example. That's the way. Translation: "I'm not interested in entertaining you and my expense." You're a solid example dumped. Believe me, I know it isn't easy but you're smarter, stronger and wiser now. Confidence is sexy. REALLY sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Everything I have done I learned on this forum. What a great resource. I would have done all the wrong things if it were not for this place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 I do appreciate all the great replies, advice and insight everyone is offering here. I really am trying my best to heed this advice - I am honestly doing my best. Today was such a hard day. I find that I cannot distract myself, at work or anything else, for more than a handful of minutes at a time, before I go back to feeling so down... I have been very disciplined and "strong" through these 6+ weeks in the sense that I have not started drinking (even though I know it could dull the torment, briefly), I have not missed work, and I keep exercising, eating right, and sleeping as much as I can. I have tried so many distractions and none of them seem to work, at least not yet.... I find I do not have any interest in anything other than my own self-pity, I suppose. Maybe I just need more time. Sometimes I feel impatient because every day is the same hurt and sadness. It feels like I have lost my whole world, since she was all that I truly cared about. I know this is all so pathetic and I need to pull my head out and realize that there is more out there than just her....but days like today make it so terribly hard to even think about that. Thank you for reading, and replying, and for all the support. It does help. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Leave your phone home and go away for the weekend! Go - have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 AZ: At this point, if you are still this depressed, I would go see a doctor and get something prescribed for situational depression. You sound severely depressed. Chin up, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 Thank you again for the suggestions and support... As far as going away for the weekend, I just cannot afford to do anything now that my living expenses doubled. I am in a real holding pattern with money now. Another problem is, I cannot have any 'fun' - it just does not even register with me right now as to what 'fun' is....I know what you mean, but honestly, I don't feel any fun at all.... As for getting an Rx for meds, I really don't want to resort to it....I think I would rather have a couple drinks than get medicated. It seems to me like that is putting a band-aid on a chopped off arm....also, part of me feels like it would be yet another victory for my wife. What I mean is, in addition to her having put me into counseling, depression, total despair, shattering my self-confidence and self-esteem, and leaving me to wonder what the hell happened, she would also have me medicated/sedated. It would feel like another mental trophy in the power-trip showcase of her mind. Don't get me wrong - I am open to any and all suggestions. These are just the reservations I have..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Run an ad for a room mate that can help with household expenses. It would be good to have another person around too. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 AZ, Turn on pm"s in your profile. I want to send you something Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 AZ, Turn on pm"s in your profile. I want to send you something Sorry but I guess I do not have enough posts - I do not seem to have any options for PM....I think I have to be an "established member" rather than just "member"... Thank you, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Thank you again for the suggestions and support... As far as going away for the weekend, I just cannot afford to do anything now that my living expenses doubled. I am in a real holding pattern with money now. Another problem is, I cannot have any 'fun' - it just does not even register with me right now as to what 'fun' is....I know what you mean, but honestly, I don't feel any fun at all.... As for getting an Rx for meds, I really don't want to resort to it....I think I would rather have a couple drinks than get medicated. It seems to me like that is putting a band-aid on a chopped off arm....also, part of me feels like it would be yet another victory for my wife. What I mean is, in addition to her having put me into counseling, depression, total despair, shattering my self-confidence and self-esteem, and leaving me to wonder what the hell happened, she would also have me medicated/sedated. It would feel like another mental trophy in the power-trip showcase of her mind. Don't get me wrong - I am open to any and all suggestions. These are just the reservations I have..... AZ: Alcohol is a drug and it is a downer so it is only exacerbating your depression. I do not normally suggest medical interference like drugs, but for situational depression it can help to get your depression in control long enough for you to propel yourself towards healing. Right now, you are depressed so you are wallowing in your sadness. Though you are making yourself go through the motions of living life, you aren't really healing. At some point you need some help if you are depressed for this long. Ditch the alcohol, it is not helping you. Best, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 AZ: Alcohol is a drug and it is a downer so it is only exacerbating your depression. I do not normally suggest medical interference like drugs, but for situational depression it can help to get your depression in control long enough for you to propel yourself towards healing. Right now, you are depressed so you are wallowing in your sadness. Though you are making yourself go through the motions of living life, you aren't really healing. At some point you need some help if you are depressed for this long. Ditch the alcohol, it is not helping you. Best, Grumps Don't get me wrong - I have not had a drop of alcohol to this point. I am trying my best to stay away from it, too. I am definitely not healing at this point. Well, not much anyways. Like you said, I go through the motions. One day at a time.... I will consider an Rx, but I will have to really think about it. Maybe that would give me something else to think about... Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Don't get me wrong - I have not had a drop of alcohol to this point. I am trying my best to stay away from it, too. I am definitely not healing at this point. Well, not much anyways. Like you said, I go through the motions. One day at a time.... I will consider an Rx, but I will have to really think about it. Maybe that would give me something else to think about... AZ:Remember my best friend from high school with similar situation...he was living in his head, depressed, feeling so low and he tried yoga, meditation, talking to his pastor, etc. but he just couldn't do much more except take care fo his kids, work his job and go through the motions. He is a die hard old fashioned guy who was a tight end in high school/college and he finally went to the doctor and got a situational depression Rx for a mild antidepressant. He started getting much better and only took it until he was healing and fully functioning and enjoying life again. No one has to know and you don't have to have the hard drugs, just something really mild. It just "takes the edge off," according to him.Just a suggestion. Do what is best for you. Here for you. I know this is hard, man.In support,Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 You have to click om n your profile and turn it on. You only need 50 posts Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Dude, I have been on a lexapro antidepressant (sp) for 6 years and it has saved me. Generic brand now and it has helped me a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 well, I don't know why, but I do not seem to have any options for PM or messaging in my profile. Sorry.... As for antidepressants, I will seriously think about it and talk about it with my father and brother.....thanks for the recommendation and support! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Another problem is, I cannot have any 'fun' - it just does not even register with me right now as to what 'fun' is....I know what you mean, but honestly, I don't feel any fun at all.... I hear that. A couple of months after my wife left, a friend offered to fly me out of state (all expenses paid) and I did it. One of the worst decisions I ever made. The truth? No matter where you go...there you are. I wasn't ready for that and being away made me feel even more miserable. The additional financial pressure (the trip was paid for, but I couldn't make any money) didn't help either. I traveled when was ready and it was great...I recall how much fun I had traveling 'single' for the first time in years... You are not ready yet, but the first time you take a beautiful woman into your arms, a light will come on. It'll feel like your ex has given you a gift. As for getting an Rx for meds, I really don't want to resort to it....I think I would rather have a couple drinks than get medicated. I (ab)used nicotine while proudly saying I avoided anti-depressants and alcohol. I did (and do) drink socially from time to time. Any crutch is bad, so I like your resolve here. Of all, a mild anti-depressant is probably the best option. Talk to your doctor/therapist and explain your reservations. As for your current state, I wrote this recently in a thread started by someone who isn't yet 'indifferent' about his ex, but wishes he was: "I can say with certainty that I felt my ex-wife rather fortunate to have landed a man like me. I was faithful and honest (a trait that was often pointed out to her...by me and others) but in my defense, I recognized that and was in the process of 'getting over myself' even before her affair and the divorce...So while I was the lover her actions affected, I'm nearly 100% certain I wasn't where her venom was directed. This is supported by reports of her jumping from men to men before, during and after divorce. Each producing a considerable amount of drama. Same old girl, different supporting actors. That's why I believe she never loved me...at least, as much as herself. Fact: her issues were in place long before I came along. I suspect that's true of most everyone. The difference? Some, not all, are accountable. She tried to tell me as much, but it sounded like an excuse. Still, that doesn't change the fact that she didn't want me. Nothing can change it. Nor can anything change that she's now in a serious relationship again and living with another man. Is she faithful? Will he get from her what I could not? Does she regret it. I have no idea, and am happy about that. Indifference. But, for the kids sake I wish her the best. Besides, lots of women don't want me. Am I going to live a bitter life because of that? Funny how life works. The ego that I thought was bruised was actually an overweight, pompous bully. Accepting my place in the world as the betrayed husband of a cheater (and a very attractive one...ouch) trimmed my ego and delivered a cold, hard slap of reality to the face. Ouch again. But the slow grasp of humility began to manifest amazing things; not the least of which was overwhelmingly rocking her world by refusing to argue, take the bait or have my buttons pushed. Humility also improved my productivity and confidence (imagine that) by allowing me to be less sensitive to criticism and more understanding of why I was before. The best part? Humility took my pain away. Almost completely. This answered the question of my root problem. A large part of "feeling bad" was feeling sorry for myself. I hated the unfairness. I hated being exposed." To rephrase just a bit, being humble was only part of the process. The other thing that helped was simply letting my ex off the hook. Not to excuse what she did, but to release the pain and injustice I felt because of it. It was no more complicated that accepting her decision without anger, then choosing which path to take at the crossroads. Going left kept me in her grasp, still subservient because of my desire for her. Going right was rejecting being strung; respecting her freedom of choice and embracing mine. I wanted happiness and my passions, so turning right was the only logical choice. That proved to be wise because she doesn't love me. When the pain won't leave AZ, you must leave the pain. Simple as that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful post, Steadfast....I appreciate your advice and experience. What you said is so true - humility, letting go, and accepting that other people are free to make their own (terrible) choices really are the key to being able to find some sort of relief from this prison of pain and sorrow that I have been a captive in for weeks......this is also HER prison, she created it and stuck me in there. Well, I am going to figure out how to break out of her prison and become free from it. Like you said, I must leave the pain. The pain is not leaving me of its own accord, that is for sure. It is such a tough struggle, but today I do feel a few percentage points better than the last couple days (although, it is hard to feel much worse than I did). Thank you all for your help. It is appreciated, even though I whine and carry on and have such a hard time. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) The only thing I can say is we are one person, each of us, there are millions of women out there. Be patient and don't try to find one and they will show up. I believe that. My ex wants to make contact and see her and I won't have nothing to do with her. I am being patient My kitty is sleeping between my legs watching football so that helps Edited November 17, 2013 by dumped2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZtragedy Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 The only thing I can say is we are one person, each of us, there are millions of women out there. Be patient and don't try to find one and they will show up. I believe that. My ex wants to make contact and see her and I won't have nothing to do with her. I am being patient My kitty is sleeping between my legs watching football so that helps you are so right - there are millions of women out there, and there will be plenty of opportunities to find someone who appreciates us for who we are, in every way. I am with you, man. It is great that you are strong enough to resist your ex making these odd overtures...you have great character and strength, and I will try and hope to be more like you in the coming days and weeks. Glad to hear you and your kitty are enjoying your time together...that is important, too. tonight I was able to watch a depressing movie with my kitty, who was also sitting between my legs, and we were able to finally relax just a little bit... Thank you so much for your support and your encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Great to hear this tone AZ. I know it's a cliche', but you are not alone. When I realized that, when I really knew that was true, it helped. Support is key. Here's a list I made for myself after my ex cheated and left. Pretty simple. 1) I love and miss her. 2) She's not coming back. 3) I don't like it, but must accept it. 4) I have two choices: I can live in pain, or leave it. 5) I can't heal if I hold anger, resentment and bitterness in my heart. 6) I can heal and move on knowing I'll always care about her. 7) Loving and caring about her does not mean I want her back. 8) I will not accept anything less than I'm willing to give. 9) I will treat her with kindness...even if she does not treat me kindly. 10) I am me with or without her. I will be true to myself 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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