Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

No you're not. You are not and will not suffer these consequences unless you lie, betray and cheat like your wife did. This is part of your problem.

 

You're suffering from betrayal, humiliation and affection withdraw. Toss in more than a little clinical shock and some deep-seated anger/envy and you're left with a potent emotional cocktail. The suffering is expected.

 

Honestly, you have no idea what she's feeling. In fact, it's very possible that she's quite a bit worse off than you are. In addition, she'll carry this for the rest of her life. Cheaters cover their tracks and 'pretend' it didn't happen by adding layers, slowly but surely increasing the 'weight' of their situation. If you do the work AZ, you'll shed these issues, decreasing your burden. Even if it feels like it, it's impossible to pay another person's bill.

 

Her actions are showing you what she wants. Whether or not it makes her 'happy' is out of your control and not your business. You are, IMO, slowly falling into a dangerous trap. You want her to suffer and want her relationship to fail. You want her to feel as low as you do. Once she realizes this (if she doesn't already) she'll always make sure to let you know she good, and you'll keep buying it, no matter how much she's lied.

 

 

Thank you for pointing this out to me.....it is true, I am working out these painful emotions and suffering now, but long-term, I will be healthier and wiser later on. I also think you are right that her burden will increase with time, as reality sets in and the fantasy world loses its novelty. The issues she is refusing to deal with now are not going to just go away because they are being ignored or substituted.

 

You are also right that I need to be more careful in not falling into this trap you describe, where it turns into a sort of game or something over who feels what. I am going to have to watch myself in my limited interactions with her, as like you said, her lies and denial are powerful weapons.

 

My father sent me a great quote the other night, from J. Krishnamurti:

 

"A wrong means can never be used towards a right end. If the means is evil, the end will also be evil."

 

I know evil is a big, loaded word...this is not being evil for evil's sake....but, the term "evil" is not too far off to selfishly lie, cheat, obfuscate, run away, terribly hurt and transfer guilt to another, shack up with someone else while married, on and on and on.....these are evil means, because they cause incredible harm and pain to me, in the service of what she thinks is a "right" end.

Edited November 22, 2013 by AZtragedy

[Chi townD]

Okay, enough!

 

Of your last three posts, I read about you trying to figure things out about HER! And what she's doing and has done to you and the possibility of WHY?

 

At this point....who cares! She doesn't, so why should you!

 

I want to hear about the things you have done to help your healing. Things YOU'VE been doing. New experiences YOU'VE been having! How are things at the gym? Have you bought new clothes? New hairstyle? Have you joined a club or volunteered somewhere?

 

Lets start focusing on YOU for a change!

[worldgonewrong]

So, I pay the price for her selfishness and midlife crisis. This hurts so much, and the best I get out of her now is when she tells me "I'm so sorry for everything" and "I wish I had not hurt you so"....

 

I know I need to accept this new reality, and let go of her....I am trying my best. This is and has been so crushing and I hope others will be much more careful when considering doing things like my wife has done.

 

AZ - I relate to every word you've written. But hear this:

In time, I swear to you on all that is holy, you will one day emerge from this and (figuratively) want to THANK HER for liberating you. That's how I feel right now. My ex ground me into the dirt during the whole process, but now in the aftermath, I'm 'glad' I went through hell so that I could have the unimaginable happiness I've encountered since.

[worldgonewrong]

 

My father sent me a great quote the other night, from J. Krishnamurti:

 

"A wrong means can never be used towards a right end. If the means is evil, the end will also be evil."

 

I know evil is a big, loaded word...this is not being evil for evil's sake....but, the term "evil" is not too far off to selfishly lie, cheat, obfuscate, run away, terribly hurt and transfer guilt to another, shack up with someone else while married, on and on and on.....these are evil means, because they cause incredible harm and pain to me, in the service of what she thinks is a "right" end.

 

That is a brilliant quote. Take it to heart as karmic foreboding for her, and then move on, step by step.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your suggestion - I may have to do something like a mental funeral once my head is ready.....

 

One of the things that has really depressed me about my situation is that I really thought her losing weight was going to bring us even closer, because we worked together - as a team - on it. We meal planned every day of every week, we took ALL of our walks together. I encouraged her and never once asked her for updates or "how much" she had lost....when she was ready to share and feel proud of herself she would share with me how much she had lost, at certain points. I would regularly compliment her and encourage her on how much willpower she had.

 

I truly thought that going through that together was going to make her even more loyal to me than ever before. Boy was I wrong.

 

All the attention she received from people she works with messed with her head so much that her workplace ended up being like a stage, where she models her new clothes and receives compliments and looks and innuendos from everyone. Eventually the workplace ended up being more valued than me. Naturally there was some lowlife trash ready to "listen" to everything she had to say about everything, and now she values him more than me, too. Now she can play out all the behaviors and fantasies and things she felt that she somehow lost out on in her teens and twenties.

 

So, I pay the price for her selfishness and midlife crisis. This hurts so much, and the best I get out of her now is when she tells me "I'm so sorry for everything" and "I wish I had not hurt you so"....

 

I know I need to accept this new reality, and let go of her....I am trying my best. This is and has been so crushing and I hope others will be much more careful when considering doing things like my wife has done.

 

I can really feel the pain coming from your words.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

 

There have been more than a couple of dreams and goals of my husband's that I have invested heavily in. Even making my own dreams fodder to his. In the end, it only turned out that he resented me or failed to notice or appreciate the effort. Plus he cheated. It was like having sand kicked in my eyes.

 

Apparently there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

But we might have to grope around for the fuse box to reset the damn thing.

[AZtragedy]

Okay, enough!

 

Of your last three posts, I read about you trying to figure things out about HER! And what she's doing and has done to you and the possibility of WHY?

 

At this point....who cares! She doesn't, so why should you!

 

I want to hear about the things you have done to help your healing. Things YOU'VE been doing. New experiences YOU'VE been having! How are things at the gym? Have you bought new clothes? New hairstyle? Have you joined a club or volunteered somewhere?

 

Lets start focusing on YOU for a change!

 

Please believe me, I am trying my best to focus on me, and trying to let go...

 

I have not really had any new experiences, because I am just too shattered to be out and about in public...I really cannot take it. I am not a super-social person in the first place, but I really feel I need time to look within and just hurt for now.

 

I am still working out and exercising about 5 days a week, and it does feel good (for awhile)....I have thought about volunteering at the no-kill cat shelter, but I am still a bit too shell-shocked to commit to it just yet.

 

I do yard work a bit, and I rearranged some of the furniture around here...got a very short haircut and contacts. Other than that, I just have to go to work every day and somehow try to retain my sanity at night. I go to bed early, partly because I am so exhausted, and partly because I am glad to have another day over with.

[AZtragedy]

AZ - I relate to every word you've written. But hear this:

In time, I swear to you on all that is holy, you will one day emerge from this and (figuratively) want to THANK HER for liberating you. That's how I feel right now. My ex ground me into the dirt during the whole process, but now in the aftermath, I'm 'glad' I went through hell so that I could have the unimaginable happiness I've encountered since.

 

I truly want to believe you when you tell me this....it seems so far-fetched right now for me.

 

I know this is dwelling on the past, but I was really very happy being married and I really believed I "had it made"....our life together was all I ever really wanted, and everything else was secondary.

 

I do hope you are right, that someday I will see this as liberating...right now, I feel less than zero.

[AZtragedy]

I can really feel the pain coming from your words.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

 

There have been more than a couple of dreams and goals of my husband's that I have invested heavily in. Even making my own dreams fodder to his. In the end, it only turned out that he resented me or failed to notice or appreciate the effort. Plus he cheated. It was like having sand kicked in my eyes.

 

Apparently there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

But we might have to grope around for the fuse box to reset the damn thing.

 

 

I sure hope there is some light at the end of this tunnel....sounds like you and I have both had our dreams squashed because of selfishness on the part of our spouses.

 

There is so much pain, and it is constant. I am telling myself it is OK to be so hurt - I would think it would be a lot weirder and unhealthier if I were not depressed and in pain after all of this.

 

I am feeling the pain and the hurt now, and when it eventually diminishes (hopefully) I will be wiser and stronger than ever. Right now, that is so hard to see. One day at a time, for me. Pure survival mode.

[Grumpybutfun]

Please believe me, I am trying my best to focus on me, and trying to let go...

 

I have not really had any new experiences, because I am just too shattered to be out and about in public...I really cannot take it. I am not a super-social person in the first place, but I really feel I need time to look within and just hurt for now.

 

I am still working out and exercising about 5 days a week, and it does feel good (for awhile)....I have thought about volunteering at the no-kill cat shelter, but I am still a bit too shell-shocked to commit to it just yet.

 

I do yard work a bit, and I rearranged some of the furniture around here...got a very short haircut and contacts. Other than that, I just have to go to work every day and somehow try to retain my sanity at night. I go to bed early, partly because I am so exhausted, and partly because I am glad to have another day over with.

 

AZ:

Don't waste your days for her evilness (and yes, I will call it that.) Regardless of initial discomfort, emerge yourself back out into the world for that is where you will get out of your head and back into living.

Wishing you all the best, my friend,

Grumps

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

Don't waste your days for her evilness (and yes, I will call it that.) Regardless of initial discomfort, emerge yourself back out into the world for that is where you will get out of your head and back into living.

Wishing you all the best, my friend,

Grumps

 

 

I think it is a form of evil, or manifestation of evil, that she is committing.

 

My job has some partial contact with the general public, so I am out in the world to some degree...as for going out and doing things, I really do not feel like I can even try to have "fun" or anything close to it. Not yet.

 

Thank you for your concern, well wishes and advice, as always.

[aliveagain]

Pay an interior designer for a few hours of her time. Get her to pick out some kick ass colors including feature walls and start painting. The sooner you remove her ghost from your home the quicker life will start to be normal again. Do this for yourself and make your home yours. At some point your going to invite friends over for dinner and nothing says moving on more than a great pad. Your going to be OK without her, who wants to be with someone that isn't as committed as you are to your relationship?

 

The odds are so against her relationship working, in fact I think the odds of being mugged by drunken Albanian dwarfs in your own bathroom have a higher probability of happening if that's of any consolation to you. When I used to feel alone I used to go to little out of the way blues clubs. For a $10 cover charge you can listen to people like Eve Hell and the Razors(Rockabilly) while sipping on a beverage among other music lovers. Don't be what she expects you to be.

[AZtragedy]

Pay an interior designer for a few hours of her time. Get her to pick out some kick ass colors including feature walls and start painting. The sooner you remove her ghost from your home the quicker life will start to be normal again. Do this for yourself and make your home yours. At some point your going to invite friends over for dinner and nothing says moving on more than a great pad. Your going to be OK without her, who wants to be with someone that isn't as committed as you are to your relationship?

 

The odds are so against her relationship working, in fact I think the odds of being mugged by drunken Albanian dwarfs in your own bathroom have a higher probability of happening if that's of any consolation to you. When I used to feel alone I used to go to little out of the way blues clubs. For a $10 cover charge you can listen to people like Eve Hell and the Razors(Rockabilly) while sipping on a beverage among other music lovers. Don't be what she expects you to be.

 

hahaha! you are probably right about the drunken Albanian dwarfs in my bathroom...thank you for that, it actually is a consolation.

 

Good idea on both the redecorating and the going to live shows...I may start doing that as time goes by, here.

 

Thank you for your encouragement.

[Steadfast]

Please don't wait for her to file. If you have any chance with her, you need to stop begging, it makes you look weak. Expose the affair to her coworkers, his family, and file for divorce next week. Go dark on her. Do not communicate.

 

She is rewriting marital history and is stuck in her fog. Exposing the A and filing will put you in control and could make a dent in her fog. It makes you look more attractive because you are taking control. If it doesn't change her, you still win because you are powerful and starting to move on.

 

With all due respect to this well meaning poster, I strongly disagree with the sections in bold. In my opinion, her return to the marriage is the very worst thing to happen. Freedom and happiness is to be found elsewhere!

 

Don't do it AZ. Never do it.

 

If the cheater's AP is married, one has the moral responsibility to contact her because of STD issues. That said, don't expect a warm response. As for fear of reprisal, courage is needed and the resolve comes with the territory.

 

AZ shouldn't concern himself with attracting anyone right now, especially her. The weak of character are easily swayed. This is the person we wish him to attract? A cheater? Here's hoping she stays 'un attracted' forever.

 

AZ will 'win' by rebuilding his self-esteem with honor and wisdom.

[karnak]

AZ shouldn't concern himself with attracting anyone right now, especially her. The weak of character are easily swayed. This is the person we wish him to attract? A cheater? Here's hoping she stays 'un attracted' forever.

 

AZ will 'win' by rebuilding his self-esteem with honor and wisdom.

 

This is the thing most betrayed spouses seem to forget after they're cheated on. It seems they want to reconcile with the relationship, and not with the person who cheated on them.

 

That, to me, is just another proof that most people are married with a "certain stereotypical idea of marriage", and not with "another real human being". They don't want to lose the spouse out of fear that the other person will disappear out of their lives forever. Instead they're afraid that they'll be forever alone.

 

In the bottom line, as time passes, and the more stories I read in LoveShack, it seems that the betrayed spouses are as selfish and weak as their cheating partner (sorry if this offends anyone here).

The cheater is tired of the Status Quo of the marriage/relationship and wants more or wants out. But it seems as if the partner tries to force them to stay in a realtionship which is unfulfilling for the cheating partner.

 

People with self-respect and strong will have the courage to accept things as they are and prefer to face the unknown rather than deal with the constant pain and hummiliation of living with a partner who doesn't love or respect them.

 

Interesting.

[Iguanna]

In the bottom line, as time passes, and the more stories I read in LoveShack, it seems that the betrayed spouses are as selfish and weak as their cheating partner (sorry if this offends anyone here).

The cheater is tired of the Status Quo of the marriage/relationship and wants more or wants out. But it seems as if the partner tries to force them to stay in a realtionship which is unfulfilling for the cheating partner.

 

People with self-respect and strong will have the courage to accept things as they are and prefer to face the unknown rather than deal with the constant pain and hummiliation of living with a partner who doesn't love or respect them.

 

Interesting.

 

Interesting indeed. But let me tell you a scenario. Imagine every day someone leaves outside your door a bottle of milk. You don't like milk that much, but you can't stop this someone bringing it to you, so you just drink the milk - it's free after all. After 10 years suddenly one day you don't find the milk outside the door. You get annoyed, sad, you had never realized you wanted the milk after all. You were USED to it, to this habit, to open the door and find the bottle. Now you miss it. You were convinced you would never need to buy milk in your life cause you had one at your stairs every day. Now you have to change your 10 years habit and buy the milk yourself. That's disturbing, isn't it?

 

I know the example is not very good, but what I want to say is the following: married people, either having got married out of love or having had settled, have the security that the dating period (which is stressful to most of the people) is over. They will most likely never have to search again for someone, get to meet them, get rejected or reject, feel nervous and insecure, meet the parents, live together, learn each other's habits, fight, make up again, compromise, propose, meet the friends and relatives, deal with problems that occur from all these things etc etc. They've done that and most of them don't want to experience these things ever again. When the spouse cheats or leaves, apart from the sadness and frustration they go through cause of the betrayal, they start thinking about going through all this period I described with another person, plus the anxiety that this person does not yet exist and they may even never find him/her. This is an extra huge anxiety and stress, and I believe it's a big reason for some people staying in an unsatisfying marriage. We shouldn't blame anyone. Not all people are strong, not all people care for their dignity, not all people have the same perspective of what is perfect and how much they want to sacrifice from their happiness in order to have security in life.

[Steadfast]

This is the thing most betrayed spouses seem to forget after they're cheated on. It seems they want to reconcile with the relationship, and not with the person who cheated on them.

 

That, to me, is just another proof that most people are married with a "certain stereotypical idea of marriage", and not with "another real human being". They don't want to lose the spouse out of fear that the other person will disappear out of their lives forever. Instead they're afraid that they'll be forever alone.

 

Brilliant point. That is not a conclusion I've verbalized before, although deep down, subconsciously, fragments of info were pointing to it. This is the kind of realization one comes to when they've done the work. Well done.

 

 

The cheater is tired of the Status Quo of the marriage/relationship and wants more or wants out. But it seems as if the partner tries to force them to stay in a realtionship which is unfulfilling for the cheating partner.

 

People with self-respect and strong will have the courage to accept things as they are and prefer to face the unknown rather than deal with the constant pain and hummiliation of living with a partner who doesn't love or respect them.

 

Agree completely with the latter, split on the bold. Many times, if not most, the betrayed simply wants the betrayer to keep the promises they made. For the good of all concerned. The strong and kind know the long term consequences of betrayal and don't wish those for the person they love.

 

Then again, they've already broken them. When you combine that fact with a reluctance to restore the relationship, what do you have? Nothing. When one person calls for unity and the other for separation, which one wins? It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to break it.

 

The only answer for long term success is to break free of the cheater's game. The rules are slanted to favor them. There is no winning. Move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously?

 

I find this hilarious if you consider applying it universally.

 

The biggest reason I didn't leave is because I LOVE my spouse.

I also knew he went to Crazy La La Land and had a whole bunch of issues that he didn't seem in control of or planned for. I also knew that if I chucked him he hadn't thought this out long-term and he would end up devastated like I had been.

At first I wanted to chuck him full-on and just move on with someone better equipped to be monogamous. Then I found out more about what he was struggling with and it made more sense to me. Because I KNEW he lived me very very deeply. We had been tremendously close for the first three years of our marriage and I was eight months pregnant.

So I tried waiting it out and things got worse. He wasn't coping or dealing.

I finally had to ask him to leave and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I didn't want him to feel like "one more woman" was throwing him away. (His biological mother abandoned him, he ended up tossed around in foster care until his maternal grandmother became his guardian and she is very *ahem* abusive, controlling etc. when she can't maintain absolute control, she cuts the person off. She did this to my husband at 14 and he ended up homeless.)

 

Then I started doing much better. Things were much more smooth for me because I didn't have the stress of his stuff on my back. I had a direction. I worked on my goals etc. left him to his choices. Then HE CAME BACK. Not all at once mind you. He tried but I wasn't going to have it be a "you made me/you couldn't make it without me/I was worried about you so I came back" scenario.

 

I made it so he showed me what he wanted and what he was willing to put towards it. I didn't "threaten him" or "manipulate him" or "beg him to stay" (at that point, I had in the earlier stages two years previous).

 

In fact, we even have "go money." Because he did try to make out like I was keeping resources from him early on in our separation, which really pissed me off. The only "asset" we had was a crappy old car that I need to keep to continue to clean houses. Plus he emptied the business account and bought himself another car. It actually worked out that he owed me $3000.

 

So now we both have some thousands saved up individually that is specifically so we each can pull the ripcord on the relationship if we want to. This was neither of us upfront "screws over" the other. No one can use "withholding money" as a way to keep the other one there. I find it helps me to greater appreciate the relationship and know that we're together because we choose to be.

 

He has some serious acceptance issues. For awhile he was saying that I was only with him to somewhat supplement my own earnings. He was only earning 800 a month! The childcare for our daughter is $800.00. So he could continue to go to school and be funded. Like, it wasn't even a factor! My mother was willing to watch her for free fulltime! But because of the way the funding is set up, she goes to dayhome. When that was pointed out, and he saw that I was actually doing BETTER financially without him he was able to see a bit more some things.

 

In fact, I paid for his addictions treatment. And he didn't finish his independent counseling and came up with the idea thàt I paid for his treatment so he could look like the "bad guy" so I wouldn't have to work on myself. This was again frustrating because I WAS working on myself anyhow and he knew that.

 

Finally, one day after another set of criticisms I told him I was going to use my "go money" because I couldn't handle all of the nasty things he thought about me. As well, I told him I wasn't sure why he chose to come baçk in the first place if he thought that way about me. And he gave me crap about paying for his treatment again and I just sobbed and said "like that's it. I kept trying and trying and trying to not just be some other woman you can't trust and throw you away and I LOVE you so much but I can't take it anymore. You think too low of me and RESENT me for paying for your help that you wanted anyway which I don't get at all."

 

So we talked a little more and when he realized I did what I did to show him support and not to shame him, his whole outlook and attitude toward the marriage did a 180. He wasn't just trying to get me to change things for him. He started changing things. (Which is just completely bizarre to me. As if I would shell out 10K with no expectation of results or a return on the money "just to shame him!")

 

I realize his family context is very shaming. It seems that they constantly try to outshame each other. I can't even take his mother in public. Over the time we've been married, I have her and her husband out three times. She berates servers and yells at us publicly etc. the very last time she actually yelled at the waiter that "he must've gotten the order completely wrong because he couldn't pay her to eat this!" She hasn't even decided on her order. She had her husband order "something she'd like" for her. Then when it came she screamed at him saying "I thought you said I would like this!"

 

I don't just mean she said it. She SCREAMED it. Then she screamed at me a while bunch so I paid the bill with a 100% tip and left.

 

That was Christmas Day last year.

I can see why my husband is kind of "emotionally burned" from his adoptive mother. I couldn't do a full 24 hours with her. He had a childhood there. Ironically enough, I'm her favorite daughter-in-law. I know that she loves him and me. But my goodness did she ever do everything to screw up his feelings!

 

This is the thing most betrayed spouses seem to forget after they're cheated on. It seems they want to reconcile with the relationship, and not with the person who cheated on them.

 

That, to me, is just another proof that most people are married with a "certain stereotypical idea of marriage", and not with "another real human being". They don't want to lose the spouse out of fear that the other person will disappear out of their lives forever. Instead they're afraid that they'll be forever alone.

 

In the bottom line, as time passes, and the more stories I read in LoveShack, it seems that the betrayed spouses are as selfish and weak as their cheating partner (sorry if this offends anyone here).

The cheater is tired of the Status Quo of the marriage/relationship and wants more or wants out. But it seems as if the partner tries to force them to stay in a realtionship which is unfulfilling for the cheating partner.

 

People with self-respect and strong will have the courage to accept things as they are and prefer to face the unknown rather than deal with the constant pain and hummiliation of living with a partner who doesn't love or respect them.

 

Interesting.

[karnak]

The reason why you stayed in an unhappy marriage or the choices and actions you made after the betrayal aren't the same for everyone.

 

You had your reasons to stay in the marriage. You say it was because you loved your husband. Ok, fine. That's wonderful. But that's also what (almost) every betrayed spouse answers when they ask why they want to remain married.

 

But what is "Love"? Most cheating partners also claim to love their partners even when they have affairs on their back. Yet, some time after the divorce, most betrayed partners also admit that the cheater never really loved to begin with. And thet their "dream marriage" was usually a fantasy created by both heads.

 

Mea culpa, mea culpa... I also admit that I was too in abusive realationships, in the past. Why? Well, mostly because of a messed-up childhood and upbringing that really distorted my self-esteem and my views of reality and humanity.

Some years later (and a lot of suffering and soul-searching later) I'm at peace with myself and my past. And I've learned that, in order to Love and Respect someone properly, I must first love and respect myself. And that I must also demand love and respect back.

 

Everyone should accept this: Love is supposed to be mutual. A marriage isn't supposed to be some sort of "crucifixion of Christ" where one partner must suffer and die in order to save and redeem the other partner.

Marriage is about being happy and breeding and raising happy children. When people say that marriage is supposed to be about "suffering and hard work" it seems that they view marriage as some sort of job or slavery.

[Steadfast]

Seriously?

 

I find this hilarious if you consider applying it universally.

 

You're a female trying to save/nurture a relationship...almost expected in our culture, 'universally' that is. A male is treated much differently. Based on averages (not every specific circumstance) females trying to save a marriage are viewed as nurturing, devoted spouses. Males trying to save a marriage are viewed as needy 'beta' sissies. Not manly. Not attractive. Women are challenged by men who are somewhat emotionally distant. As women age and mature, they become more open to the 'sensitive' side.

 

So yes, in AZ's case and every other male with a betraying spouse, my advice is nearly universal. Move on. Run from the cheater. That is, if you're interested in preserving your mental health and self esteem. Let them go.

[karnak]

You're a female trying to save/nurture a relationship...almost expected in our culture, 'universally' that is. A male is treated much differently. Based on averages (not every specific circumstance) females trying to save a marriage are viewed as nurturing, devoted spouses. Males trying to save a marriage are viewed as needy 'beta' sissies. Not manly. Not attractive. Women are challenged by men who are somewhat emotionally distant. As women age and mature, they become more open to the 'sensitive' side.

 

So yes, in AZ's case and every other male with a betraying spouse, my advice is nearly universal. Move on. Run from the cheater. That is, if you're interested in preserving your mental health and self esteem. Let them go.

 

Yup. In western culture, for centuries, men were free to "roam around" and find mistresses and whores to entertain their need for other bodies. Women were forced to be submissive and endure, because if they were rejected by their men there was a big chance they would be publically shamed and turned into social outcasts.

 

Even in our day and age (though it's gradually disppearing, fortunately) women still retain that subconscious social command that establishes that is the female role to try and retain the male "captive" in the marriage (so to speak).

 

Again, Michelle Langley was the first woman who had the guts to adress these kind of relationship dynamics "heads-on". Bless her.

Edited November 23, 2013 by karnak

[dreamingoftigers]

You're a female trying to save/nurture a relationship...almost expected in our culture, 'universally' that is. A male is treated much differently. Based on averages (not every specific circumstance) females trying to save a marriage are viewed as nurturing, devoted spouses. Males trying to save a marriage are viewed as needy 'beta' sissies. Not manly. Not attractive. Women are challenged by men who are somewhat emotionally distant. As women age and mature, they become more open to the 'sensitive' side.

 

So yes, in AZ's case and every other male with a betraying spouse, my advice is nearly universal. Move on. Run from the cheater. That is, if you're interested in preserving your mental health and self esteem. Let them go.

 

I'll respond to the other posts later and then end the thread jack. But bluntly: you are reading what I would guess to be an American context into my personal life and you've missed the mark.

 

I was raised with a "zero-tolerance for cheating" attitude and from my own mother viewed it as WORSE if the woman stayed. Ironically my father later cheated on my mother and she did stay. I did not even KNOW a relationship COULD stay together after cheating. The only one if heard of was Bill & Hillary Clinton and I thought that was just for politics.

 

I remember being shocked by Kathie Lee Gifford "forgiving." I thought she must be mentally ill.

During my issues with my husband Loveshack and the books I read (abd weekly visits to my Bishop who encouraged a split from my husband) were my ONLY external supports. Everyone on my side of the family let me know what a toyal idiot I was and my husbands own parents stopped speaking to him.

 

I've been told I'm an "idiot, weak, just trying to look 'good,' a doormat, afraid to be alone, low self-esteem, no self-respect, coward, dysfunctional and "accepting and condoning" his behaviour.

 

To that I say: Shut Up.

 

I knew who I was and I chose exactly how far I would go and how much I would sacrifice for both my husband and my relationship.

 

I also did know, and yes, DEEP DOWN and so forth that he did love me. That's what perplexed me so much. That why I started reading, searching and trying to figure out just what the Hell happened. Because what he did was not okay by a long shot but it didn't jive at all with anything else I had experienced of him. It wasn't at all what I thought cheating would look like on the inside.

 

I also knew my husband. And frankly, I knew my own personal experience with trauma and falling on my face in relationships. When his history of foster care etc. became much more clear, I knew he was in way over his head. It explained A LOT. And no, it wasn't "the stuff he told me."

 

Marriage was a very large, emotional and otherwise investment for me. I consider myself a very solid spouse. And the vows were "in sickness and in health" my husband has had mental health and trauma issues that he is partially addressed and is currently addressing. I wasn't going to take my life apart as long as he was willing to work on them. When he became unwilling to work on them, I put him out. Ironically, respecting his choice to NOT work on his issues and separating from him was actually the most LOVING thing I could do. I would do it AGAIN.

 

My job is not to control his choices. My job as his partner is to respect his choices. To have an interest in his feelings and let him know where my lines are drawn.

 

I drew my line here: I would do all that I could to save my marriage in a healthy way. If I couldn't save it or he vetoed it entirely, I would walk. I'm still fine with that. A lot of people would have walked far before I did. I'm proud of myself for making a commitment I followed through on. I respect myself for it. I'm proud of my husband for thinking things through, working through some things and making a very large effort to see that I want him around. And not because he serves a "function" but because I like HIM. That he's LIKABLE and doesn't have to be a fake person or remain censored to be likable and lovable to someone. I.e. ME

 

 

Back to OP though,

 

I think your wife struggled with feeling UNLOVABLE and CENSORED and probably easily replaceable when she was overweight.

 

I see a lot of these types of elements with WS. Like they have to "wear one mask for the husband/wife and wear another for the affair partner." Etc.

[regine_phalange]

AZtragedy, im sorry for what you are going through. But also I am happy there are people like you out there. You seem like a person of very good quality. Dont feel guilty for anything, nothing was your fault. Your seperation is very recent, slowly you will regain your power. You are a giver, and you only can be with a person who is also a giver (the balance in life). Your wife clearly wasnt a giver at all, she was a taker as it seems, all the time she was thinking only of herself, while you were thinking of her feelings first, even after she left you. But who truly thought about your feelings? Who put you first? Who was gentle and considerate with you? This is so unfair. I get so pissed when this kind of things happen. And I think you are going to feel pissed too at some point. And this will be the best thing ever. You will be liberated. I promise, from the depths of my heart. Patience, do the best you can, I think you are already doing great. There will be a day when you will feel the need to just write her "im fine and i will be fine for the rest of the century, no need to ever ask me again how im doing". Take care of yourself.

[AZtragedy]

AZtragedy, im sorry for what you are going through. But also I am happy there are people like you out there. You seem like a person of very good quality. Dont feel guilty for anything, nothing was your fault. Your seperation is very recent, slowly you will regain your power. You are a giver, and you only can be with a person who is also a giver (the balance in life). Your wife clearly wasnt a giver at all, she was a taker as it seems, all the time she was thinking only of herself, while you were thinking of her feelings first, even after she left you. But who truly thought about your feelings? Who put you first? Who was gentle and considerate with you? This is so unfair. I get so pissed when this kind of things happen. And I think you are going to feel pissed too at some point. And this will be the best thing ever. You will be liberated. I promise, from the depths of my heart. Patience, do the best you can, I think you are already doing great. There will be a day when you will feel the need to just write her "im fine and i will be fine for the rest of the century, no need to ever ask me again how im doing". Take care of yourself.

 

Thank you so much for this beautiful post....I started to cry while reading it, and I appreciate you writing this.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

How are you doing? What have you been thinking, feeling? Are you still exercising and reading books on overcoming betrayal and infidelity? This is your thread so you post what you need to, okay?

Thinking of you,

Grumps

[Steadfast]

...And the vows were "in sickness and in health" my husband has had mental health and trauma issues...

 

I get your point dreaming. I do. Your husband is there, isn't he? By choice?

 

People forget that the vows go both ways. Once the vow to forsake all others is broken, the marriage is over. The relationship might continue, but the marriage, by definition, dies when that happens. His vows broken makes your vows meaningless. A vow can't be one-sided, That's an oath.

 

I commend you for being patient, but it has nothing to do with AZ in my opinion. His wife cheated, left and wishes him all the best going forward.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but my character has remained pretty much the same through a variety of tragedies and body types. I was young and slim, then older and not so much. Now I'm older and in the best physical condition of my life. It is just as easy now -or just a difficult- for me to remain faithful or resist temptation as it always was. I am me. Heavy or thin, old or young, we are who we are. AZ's wife is a cheat. Your theory smacks of justification via blame shifting. I like you and your wonderful posts but I don't buy it. Sorry.