Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

How are you doing? What have you been thinking, feeling? Are you still exercising and reading books on overcoming betrayal and infidelity? This is your thread so you post what you need to, okay?

Thinking of you,

Grumps

 

I am having a tough time...I have been taking so much of what my wife did way too personally (although, how could I not?). This has really shaken my self-image, and I believe I have said this before - I do not feel like "me" anymore. These are entirely new feelings for me, as I have always had confidence in myself and who I am. I am a pretty sensitive type of person, but I also have always known what I am all about and am not easily influenced by the opinions or judgments of others.

 

When it comes to my wife, since we were together for SO long, the pain and confusion this has caused me is hard to even put into words.

 

I read "Codependent No More", and got a few things of value out of it, but did not think it really accurately describes either myself or her...sure, there were some elements common to most people there....I have been reading some works of J. Krishnamurti, and a book called "Everyday Zen" by Charlotte Beck....they both have some good insights. But overall, I find it very difficult to do much reading. I cannot concentrate long enough to stick with it very long. This is very unusual because I am a voracious reader - I usually read a good sized book every week.

 

I am getting LOTS of exercise, which does make me feel good, for at least a little while. Obviously the physical exertion helps with my stress, and keeps me healthy. I have always been a very fit person, though, so it comes easily.

 

Thank you for encouraging me to write here about how I am doing....sometimes it is good to just write that I feel terrible, or that I am struggling. I suppose that is because it is the truth.

[AZtragedy]

I don't know about anyone else, but my character has remained pretty much the same through a variety of tragedies and body types. I was young and slim, then older and not so much. Now I'm older and in the best physical condition of my life. It is just as easy now -or just a difficult- for me to remain faithful or resist temptation as it always was. I am me. Heavy or thin, old or young, we are who we are.

 

I am glad to see someone articulate this as well as you have here.....life is a continuum, not a book or a tv series where there are "endings" or different "chapters"...at least not in the sense of a self. Sure there are times and periods in life that change and whatnot...but the real self does not stop at the end of one chapter in life and start differently in another.

 

C.S. Lewis has a great quote about this:

 

"Humanity does not pass through phases as a train passes through stations; being alive,it has the privilege of always moving yet never leaving anything behind. Whatever we have been, in some sort we are still."

 

Thank you for saying "we are who we are"....I agree.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am having a tough time...I have been taking so much of what my wife did way too personally (although, how could I not?). This has really shaken my self-image, and I believe I have said this before - I do not feel like "me" anymore. These are entirely new feelings for me, as I have always had confidence in myself and who I am. I am a pretty sensitive type of person, but I also have always known what I am all about and am not easily influenced by the opinions or judgments of others.

 

When it comes to my wife, since we were together for SO long, the pain and confusion this has caused me is hard to even put into words.

 

I read "Codependent No More", and got a few things of value out of it, but did not think it really accurately describes either myself or her...sure, there were some elements common to most people there....I have been reading some works of J. Krishnamurti, and a book called "Everyday Zen" by Charlotte Beck....they both have some good insights. But overall, I find it very difficult to do much reading. I cannot concentrate long enough to stick with it very long. This is very unusual because I am a voracious reader - I usually read a good sized book every week.

 

I am getting LOTS of exercise, which does make me feel good, for at least a little while. Obviously the physical exertion helps with my stress, and keeps me healthy. I have always been a very fit person, though, so it comes easily.

 

Thank you for encouraging me to write here about how I am doing....sometimes it is good to just write that I feel terrible, or that I am struggling. I suppose that is because it is the truth.

 

AZ:

How could you not take this personally? I think as a man who has been married and with my wife for twenty years I can understand how it isn't so easy just to cut off all the memories and the feelings even if what your wife did was despicable. I think it is hard for people to understand the accumulation of interconnectedness you feel because your lives are so closely entwined. I know that this isn't easy, and I know you will have bad days and less bad days, but they won't be pleasant for a while yet. Your pain is still pretty fresh.

Just keep doing all the things that help you to get back to yourself, to figure out who you are without her, without her ideas and dreams imploding all over you, and learn how to live on your own again with joy and purpose. Sometimes in order to get to the everyday living, you have to let go and accept things slowly. Maybe it would be best to start with small things...reclaiming your kitchen, your fridge, your bed, your space...and then move on to reclaiming your thoughts, your heart, your dreams.

What do you look like without your wife? Who is that guy? What does he think about and what does he believe about himself? Is that guy a good guy? is he a complicated guy? Is he angry? Is he angry at himself for not being able to move on? Is he angry at her for destroying an unfinished marriage?

What can you do to make your life more enjoyable? What music can you listen to? What books for enjoyment can you read or reread? (BTW John Irving and Larry McMurtry has some really great novels about men that you may enjoy.) Is there someplace you can go to reconnect with nature? How can you see yourself as being a part of this world? How do you see yourself moving on from a woman who tossed you?

It hurts and is painful, but you will be a better man for all of this if you believe that you can find happiness and peace one day. Hope is a powerful thing. It keeps us going when we don't want to get out of bed. It makes us feel good even when we feel like we have little left to offer the world.

Best,

Grumps

Edited November 24, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[dreamingoftigers]

I get your point dreaming. I do. Your husband is there, isn't he? By choice?

 

People forget that the vows go both ways. Once the vow to forsake all others is broken, the marriage is over. The relationship might continue, but the marriage, by definition, dies when that happens. His vows broken makes your vows meaningless. A vow can't be one-sided, That's an oath.

 

I commend you for being patient, but it has nothing to do with AZ in my opinion. His wife cheated, left and wishes him all the best going forward.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but my character has remained pretty much the same through a variety of tragedies and body types. I was young and slim, then older and not so much. Now I'm older and in the best physical condition of my life. It is just as easy now -or just a difficult- for me to remain faithful or resist temptation as it always was. I am me. Heavy or thin, old or young, we are who we are. AZ's wife is a cheat. Your theory smacks of justification via blame shifting. I like you and your wonderful posts but I don't buy it. Sorry.

 

My character has shifted over the years, truly.

 

If anything I have become more haphazard when as a youth I had an icredibly strong character and held very strongly to my beliefs.

 

This last few years had completely worn me down and I found myself being introduced to concepts I thought my decent character had actually shielded me from. For instance: I thought I would never deal with infidelity, much less a serial cheat, because I selected based on what I believed to be an honest man whose actions matched his words. I was not loose sexually or overly permissive as I wanted a partner who would be sexually respectful. And had four years of "waiting for marriage" in between my religious conversion and being with my husband. I didn't have a child out of wedlock etc. I don't have judgments on people that do, but I felt I had significantly lowered my risk of ending up with someone that would be so......unmonogamous.

 

So now, in my thirties, I see a somewhat "wasted" youth and the passage of time had not made the easier. My husband's activities also greatly contributed to the financial crater we are in today. So a large percentage of my friends that made their "youthful mistakes" including thè drugs, booze, teenage pregnancies, not finishing high school on time etc. and really no worse off for it by comparison and I was in no way inoculated by trying to stay "straight and narrow."

 

Frankly, it's opened a door for me that DOES make me wonder what exactly I've missed out on. I have yet to walk through that door or have any plans of doing so.

 

I also know that open door is a distinct threat to my marriage and part of my protection from throwing my marriage in the dust (because I have plenty of "cause") is the fact that I feel "too wide" to go through it. My weight is an actual physical barrier to me.

 

I want my marriage. I do. And I plan to attend counseling (both IC and MC) to resolve some of this internal issue.

 

I also firmly believe that when one feels the desire to cheat that it is because they feel something lacking in their relationship. So when they feel that "burn" which I have felt periodically through the years, it is most wise to look inside and see what it is causing that. Then try to resolve it with your partner.

 

In my case I know I won't cheat. I've lived with this feeling for a very long time and it's weathered many opportunities without bearing any "fruit of evil." I don't like cheating. Seen and experienced too much damage.

 

But that wouldn't stop me from outright leaving the marriage and finding someone else. Which in my younger years I would have been unable to even think of.

 

I have also committed not to go unless MC fails. But I feel myself wanting to waiver on that frequently.

[dreamingoftigers]

For why this relates to AZ's wife is that she did say she was dissatisfied with certain elements of the marriage.

 

She was very immature not to bring that to AZ though.

 

But when she lost that weight, she literally lost a physical barrier to being unfaithful. Not to mention the extra attention like a drug she would've gotten for what could've been the first time in her life.

 

Imagine giving someone their first crystal meth at age 35. Most people would never touch the stuff again. But those who already had an inherent weakness would be driven mad for more and more.

 

The fact that AZ and her were pretty much firsts and exclusive fuelled this. I'm quite certain,

 

She may have always been a cheat, but it obviously took the right set of circumstances to uncover it.

 

My character has shifted over the years, truly.

 

If anything I have become more haphazard when as a youth I had an icredibly strong character and held very strongly to my beliefs.

 

This last few years had completely worn me down and I found myself being introduced to concepts I thought my decent character had actually shielded me from. For instance: I thought I would never deal with infidelity, much less a serial cheat, because I selected based on what I believed to be an honest man whose actions matched his words. I was not loose sexually or overly permissive as I wanted a partner who would be sexually respectful. And had four years of "waiting for marriage" in between my religious conversion and being with my husband. I didn't have a child out of wedlock etc. I don't have judgments on people that do, but I felt I had significantly lowered my risk of ending up with someone that would be so......unmonogamous.

 

So now, in my thirties, I see a somewhat "wasted" youth and the passage of time had not made the easier. My husband's activities also greatly contributed to the financial crater we are in today. So a large percentage of my friends that made their "youthful mistakes" including thè drugs, booze, teenage pregnancies, not finishing high school on time etc. and really no worse off for it by comparison and I was in no way inoculated by trying to stay "straight and narrow."

 

Frankly, it's opened a door for me that DOES make me wonder what exactly I've missed out on. I have yet to walk through that door or have any plans of doing so.

 

I also know that open door is a distinct threat to my marriage and part of my protection from throwing my marriage in the dust (because I have plenty of "cause") is the fact that I feel "too wide" to go through it. My weight is an actual physical barrier to me.

 

I want my marriage. I do. And I plan to attend counseling (both IC and MC) to resolve some of this internal issue.

 

I also firmly believe that when one feels the desire to cheat that it is because they feel something lacking in their relationship. So when they feel that "burn" which I have felt periodically through the years, it is most wise to look inside and see what it is causing that. Then try to resolve it with your partner.

 

In my case I know I won't cheat. I've lived with this feeling for a very long time and it's weathered many opportunities without bearing any "fruit of evil." I don't like cheating. Seen and experienced too much damage.

 

But that wouldn't stop me from outright leaving the marriage and finding someone else. Which in my younger years I would have been unable to even think of.

 

I have also committed not to go unless MC fails. But I feel myself wanting to waiver on that frequently.

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

How could you not take this personally? I think as a man who has been married and with my wife for twenty years I can understand how it isn't so easy just to cut off all the memories and the feelings even if what your wife did was despicable. I think it is hard for people to understand the accumulation of interconnectedness you feel because your lives are so closely entwined. I know that this isn't easy, and I know you will have bad days and less bad days, but they won't be pleasant for a while yet. Your pain is still pretty fresh.

Just keep doing all the things that help you to get back to yourself, to figure out who you are without her, without her ideas and dreams imploding all over you, and learn how to live on your own again with joy and purpose. Sometimes in order to get to the everyday living, you have to let go and accept things slowly. Maybe it would be best to start with small things...reclaiming your kitchen, your fridge, your bed, your space...and then move on to reclaiming your thoughts, your heart, your dreams.

What do you look like without your wife? Who is that guy? What does he think about and what does he believe about himself? Is that guy a good guy? is he a complicated guy? Is he angry? Is he angry at himself for not being able to move on? Is he angry at her for destroying an unfinished marriage?

What can you do to make your life more enjoyable? What music can you listen to? What books for enjoyment can you read or reread? (BTW John Irving and Larry McMurtry has some really great novels about men that you may enjoy.) Is there someplace you can go to reconnect with nature? How can you see yourself as being a part of this world? How do you see yourself moving on from a woman who tossed you?

It hurts and is painful, but you will be a better man for all of this if you believe that you can find happiness and peace one day. Hope is a powerful thing. It keeps us going when we don't want to get out of bed. It makes us feel good even when we feel like we have little left to offer the world.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

This is right on - it is terribly difficult to just turn off all the memories, dreams and lingering expectations for all that we had built over the years.

 

You ask some very good, insightful questions which I definitely need to think about, and consider, because I feel like I am rebuilding my self-image and self-confidence from scratch.

 

Thank you again for your advice, wisdom and recommendations, too.

[AZtragedy]

For why this relates to AZ's wife is that she did say she was dissatisfied with certain elements of the marriage.

 

She was very immature not to bring that to AZ though.

 

But when she lost that weight, she literally lost a physical barrier to being unfaithful. Not to mention the extra attention like a drug she would've gotten for what could've been the first time in her life.

 

Imagine giving someone their first crystal meth at age 35. Most people would never touch the stuff again. But those who already had an inherent weakness would be driven mad for more and more.

 

The fact that AZ and her were pretty much firsts and exclusive fuelled this. I'm quite certain,

 

She may have always been a cheat, but it obviously took the right set of circumstances to uncover it.

 

 

I think it is more that she was dissatisfied with some things that she quietly struggled with before the marriage itself, which I think makes her sudden leaving even more outrageous. What I mean is, the things she has told me in her foggy re-writing of our relationship go way back before we even got married. Things from 8, 12, & 14+ years ago. She claims (now) to have held on to these resentments about taking too long to get married, waiting too long to have sex, and for feeling left out when I would do things with my family and she did not get to go along - all well before marriage. We still got married nevertheless, and she did not complain one single time to me the entire 6 years of marriage. She said she had made peace with the idea that we were not having children, but suddenly that is so important that she did not bother to tell me she wanted to have them, and instead found some other dirtbag (who already has 2 kids, who he has no custody over because I believe they are with 2 different women, both outside of his first marriage).

 

At any rate, she cannot see the pattern of her "new boyfriends" history, because she is blinded by her own foggy selfishness, and because she does lack "experience". Her only experience has been with me - someone who has been 100% faithful, honest, loyal and supportive every single step of the way. Apparently that experience is so awful to have someone like me that she would fully buy into GIGS....we used to mock and talk about people who did things like she is doing right now, and I know for a fact the "old her" would never have considered doing this.....It really hurts to be discarded by her, in favor of this other piece of trash who has a terrible track record.

 

As for the circumstances enabling my wife to do all of this: I think you are correct. For the first time in her life she feels empowered to "do what she wants" and she came to see me as an impediment to that. That is why she brings up these very old resentments that really have no bearing on the marriage itself. They have more to do with her unresolved problems. Plus, like you said, she never bothered to say anything at all about any of this to me. That is her fault 100%. I cannot read minds, and I cannot go around asking my wife if she is thinking about leaving me and running off with someone else, when I am operating under the assumption that things are fine.

 

Oh what a terrible thing she has done. It did not need to be this way. She needs help, but I feel she is just running away and chasing an idea rather than dealing with reality itself.

Edited November 24, 2013 by AZtragedy

[OpheliaSong]

I think it is more that she was dissatisfied with some things that she quietly struggled with before the marriage itself, which I think makes her sudden leaving even more outrageous. What I mean is, the things she has told me in her foggy re-writing of our relationship go way back before we even got married. Things from 8, 12, & 14+ years ago. She claims (now) to have held on to these resentments about taking too long to get married, waiting too long to have sex, and for feeling left out when I would do things with my family and she did not get to go along - all well before marriage. We still got married nevertheless, and she did not complain one single time to me the entire 6 years of marriage. She said she had made peace with the idea that we were not having children, but suddenly that is so important that she did not bother to tell me she wanted to have them, and instead found some other dirtbag (who already has 2 kids, who he has no custody over because I believe they are with 2 different women, both outside of his first marriage).

 

At any rate, she cannot see the pattern of her "new boyfriends" history, because she is blinded by her own foggy selfishness, and because she does lack "experience". Her only experience has been with me - someone who has been 100% faithful, honest, loyal and supportive every single step of the way. Apparently that experience is so awful to have someone like me that she would fully buy into GIGS....we used to mock and talk about people who did things like she is doing right now, and I know for a fact the "old her" would never have considered doing this.....It really hurts to be discarded by her, in favor of this other piece of trash who has a terrible track record.

 

As for the circumstances enabling my wife to do all of this: I think you are correct. For the first time in her life she feels empowered to "do what she wants" and she came to see me as an impediment to that. That is why she brings up these very old resentments that really have no bearing on the marriage itself. They have more to do with her unresolved problems. Plus, like you said, she never bothered to say anything at all about any of this to me. That is her fault 100%. I cannot read minds, and I cannot go around asking my wife if she is thinking about leaving me and running off with someone else, when I am operating under the assumption that things are fine.

 

Oh what a terrible thing she has done. It did not need to be this way. She needs help, but I feel she is just running away and chasing an idea rather than dealing with reality itself.

 

I can't help but think that she has thrown so much away for so little. You hang in there. You really seem nice and smart. you will find someone in the future who won't betray you for their own insecurities.

[RightThere]

You're doing very well AZ. You're still too focused on what is wrong with her, but don't feel bad. I was there and it's a hard place to get out of because you're trying to reconcile the person that IS versus the person you KNOW.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. If you like the holidays, you should decorate the crap out of your place. I did already and I feel better.

 

Also try to get out of the mundane. If you go grocery shopping, go to a different grocery store in town just for something different.

 

If you're working out, start switching up your routine.

 

Just keep doing things. And you'll need to find a way (easier said than done) to stop worrying about your soon-to-be-ex-wife and her decisions and life. She needs to go down this path. We all know exactly how it's going to play out, but she will never learn anything if she doesn't do it herself. And you cannot wait for her.

 

Keep hanging in there my friend.

[AZtragedy]

I can't help but think that she has thrown so much away for so little. You hang in there. You really seem nice and smart. you will find someone in the future who won't betray you for their own insecurities.

 

You are very kind for saying this - thank you so much for your encouragement!

[AZtragedy]

You're doing very well AZ. You're still too focused on what is wrong with her, but don't feel bad. I was there and it's a hard place to get out of because you're trying to reconcile the person that IS versus the person you KNOW.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. If you like the holidays, you should decorate the crap out of your place. I did already and I feel better.

 

Also try to get out of the mundane. If you go grocery shopping, go to a different grocery store in town just for something different.

 

If you're working out, start switching up your routine.

 

Just keep doing things. And you'll need to find a way (easier said than done) to stop worrying about your soon-to-be-ex-wife and her decisions and life. She needs to go down this path. We all know exactly how it's going to play out, but she will never learn anything if she doesn't do it herself. And you cannot wait for her.

 

Keep hanging in there my friend.

 

You said it - it is tough to keep comparing the old her with the new her....

 

I appreciate your suggestions...you are right, I need to switch things up a bit.

 

Thank you for your ideas and your encouragement, too...I appreciate it.

[dumped2013]

I hope you are doing ok dude. 11days nc here. I have no idea who she is anymore. I am getting to be fine by myself. No kids so I have no reason to keep in touch with her.

[AZtragedy]

I hope you are doing ok dude. 11days nc here. I have no idea who she is anymore. I am getting to be fine by myself. No kids so I have no reason to keep in touch with her.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts - I have been having bad days, and VERY bad days...I am doing my best to look after myself, but I still think about this all the time.

 

I am still in some contact with my wife, usually about 2-3 times a week....NC is just not going to work for me. In an email from her yesterday she said she "hates that I am suffering so much". Well, I wish that would have occurred to her before she decided to betray me.

 

Anyways, I am glad to hear that you are doing well on your own there, with your cat. My cat has been great to have around during all of this - if he had not been here, I would probably be more nuts than I already feel like...

[AZtragedy]

Ehhh this woman seems like a selfish vain jacka**. You dodged a bullet

 

 

Yes, the "different person" or "new" her that she claims to be is definitely a selfish, vain blankety blank.....

 

The old her that I knew and loved for so long, was the kindest, most caring and coolest person I have ever known....

 

That, in a nutshell, is what makes this sudden change so terribly difficult. I am doing my best, but it is hell.

[beach]

You're doing very well AZ. You're still too focused on what is wrong with her, but don't feel bad. I was there and it's a hard place to get out of because you're trying to reconcile the person that IS versus the person you KNOW.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. If you like the holidays, you should decorate the crap out of your place. I did already and I feel better.

 

Also try to get out of the mundane. If you go grocery shopping, go to a different grocery store in town just for something different.

 

If you're working out, start switching up your routine.

 

Just keep doing things. And you'll need to find a way (easier said than done) to stop worrying about your soon-to-be-ex-wife and her decisions and life. She needs to go down this path. We all know exactly how it's going to play out, but she will never learn anything if she doesn't do it herself. And you cannot wait for her.

 

Keep hanging in there my friend.

 

These are good ideas to invoke changes for you. It will help to get out of your normal routine!

 

And heck, while you're at it - buy yourself something nice for Christmas! Something you've wanted but would never get for yourself!

 

Start being kind and loving to yourself- you deserve it!

[beach]

Yes, the "different person" or "new" her that she claims to be is definitely a selfish, vain blankety blank.....

 

The old her that I knew and loved for so long, was the kindest, most caring and coolest person I have ever known....

 

That, in a nutshell, is what makes this sudden change so terribly difficult. I am doing my best, but it is hell.

 

Unfortunately, her old self is gone forever. The old self can never be regained after she's now shown her new self.

 

 

Let the new guy deal with the new - selfish and self centered version of her.

 

You can get busy living and finding your own way that makes your new life happy for yourself.

 

I did - and I never knew it could be this amazing! I was with my - then - husband 23 years. It took me a while to find out how to REALLY be happy all on my own. I tried out anything new and different. The things I liked for myself - I kept those ideas/actions going! The ones I didn't love - I tossed them aside. But I found MY way - the way that works best for me.

 

And I'll never allow anyone to take away from me the things I've found that really make me happy!

 

Get out there and try anything and everything NEW! This is an opportunity to find out what the best version of YOU looks like!

[dumped2013]

These are good ideas to invoke changes for you. It will help to get out of your normal routine!

 

And heck, while you're at it - buy yourself something nice for Christmas! Something you've wanted but would never get for yourself!

 

Start being kind and loving to yourself- you deserve it!

 

I bought myself one of the new ipad mini's for my early Christmas present. I usually go grocery shopping at Publix so the other day I changed it up and went to Kroger. The change was something different and new to me. I could not find anything but there were some good looking women in Kroger.

 

My friends and neighbors have been great and have kept me busy inviting me over to watch football and stopping by and having a cold beer with me. I guess my friends and this forum have helped me keep my sanity during this screwed up time in my life.

 

AZ, get out and hang with your friends. You are going to have a hard time getting over the ex if you are communicating with her 2-3 times a week. That is going to really set you back. For all I know, maybe my ex is already banging another guy. You know what? I don't know and I don't care. With NC I will not know and it makes it easier. For all I know she was probably banging someone in Italy the last 3 years she vacationed there.

 

Take care

[worldgonewrong]

I know this is dwelling on the past, but I was really very happy being married and I really believed I "had it made"....our life together was all I ever really wanted, and everything else was secondary.

 

Same here. SAME HERE.

I get it. I thought I'd reached some imaginary apex being married, having our life together.

 

I do hope you are right, that someday I will see this as liberating...right now, I feel less than zero.

 

And I get that too.

You're talking to a guy who used to cry 4-5 times a day at work, running to the bathroom, dropping to my knees in tears. (It was a one-man bathroom, haha, no worries.) I'd fall asleep crying at night; I'd wake up, open my eyes, and cry some more.

Get it all out, brother. It's like a nasty fever that you have to ride out. But one morning, you're going to feel a bit better. Inexplicably, you'll notice the fever has begun to pass and you actually feel like 'stepping outside' and feeling the sun on your skin. (metaphorically speaking)

[Steadfast]

I am still in some contact with my wife, usually about 2-3 times a week....NC is just not going to work for me.

 

Then you've decided not to heal. It's a simple as that. That much contact will keep you in pain and in a place of need. As long as you need her AZ, need to talk to her or need to stay in contact, you'll hurt. That's it.

 

NC will hurt too. Possibly more, at the beginning. But that will pass as you move along. It is a slow process that looks inward and outward. I'd wager most of us here were content being married to the love of our life. Do you understand this? You must make the choice; stay in hurt with a woman who does not want to be married to you, or seek happiness elsewhere.

 

The good news is you are being honest. Which is refreshing and candid. If you process the ability to be truthful, you have the strength to move on.

 

Hear me friend. Moving on is not leaving her, it is responding to her desire to be with another man. You do not need this.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Steadfast

[Still-I-Rise]

Oh AZ I wish I could shake you out of the stubborn stupor you are in. Words can do it but sometimes more is needed.

 

Please love yourself enough to know you can go a week without talking to the source of your pain.

 

Go NC for a week. Just do it. It probably will not be easy.

 

By the end of a complete week of NC for the third time, I was really low but keenly aware someplace deep inside that the pain I was experiencing was necessary. It felt like a part of me was dying. Honestly, I thought I would die. But I didn't.

 

Be worthy of your suffering man. Please. You have to be strong for you NOW!

 

If I give you my number will you call me?

 

I know you don't know me but you have responded to a post or two about my situation. My husband was my friend since kindergarten. Best friend since 16. We married as virgins at 21. We have 4 children. I never, ever, in a million years thought he would turn into the monster he has and have refused to accept it for a loong time...in fact I am still working on doing so. But the fact is he changed and I can't change or wish him back.

 

I'm not sure if you are familiar with Epictetus but you might find some of his stoic teachings about things not within our control useful. http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html

 

I am not far removed from hell...I still cry some mornings but they are less and mostly related to the financial disaster my husband visited upon us.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[karnak]

Yes, the "different person" or "new" her that she claims to be is definitely a selfish, vain blankety blank.....

 

The old her that I knew and loved for so long, was the kindest, most caring and coolest person I have ever known....

 

That, in a nutshell, is what makes this sudden change so terribly difficult. I am doing my best, but it is hell.

 

Don't feel confused about this situation.

 

Her previous "self" was a sort of facade that she was mantaining because of parents and society pressure. Many men and women decide to mantain a "good guy/girl" appearance because society and culture tells us that we should behave correctly.

 

Guess what: as soon as some men and women lose their fear of being scolded by their parents or whatever, they show their true colours.

[Iguanna]

Don't feel confused about this situation.

 

Her previous "self" was a sort of facade that she was mantaining because of parents and society pressure. Many men and women decide to mantain a "good guy/girl" appearance because society and culture tells us that we should behave correctly.

 

Guess what: as soon as some men and women lose their fear of being scolded by their parents or whatever, they show their true colours.

 

I don't think that's the case. This woman was always overwhelmed by society cause of her weight. She was thinking she was not good enough, she should be satisfied that a man even cared to look at her and marry her, she doesn't deserve happiness cause she is fat. Now this woman takes her "revenge" to everyone involved, may that be parents, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers etc. Her husband was really good with her that's why she feels so sorry for treating him this way. We shouldn't be judgemental with this woman, we don't know what she faced through her life that hurt her so deeply. She is not mean to her husband, she is mean to the whole world and the injustice towards fat people. Now it's her time to prove that she CAN have many men, she CAN be successful, she doesn't need to compromise anymore cause of her weight. I really doubt if this woman will ever be that woman you knew. This woman you knew is buried by your wife inside her and she never wants to let her come out again.

 

Man you are unlucky, what can I say?

[RightThere]

I don't think that's the case. This woman was always overwhelmed by society cause of her weight. She was thinking she was not good enough, she should be satisfied that a man even cared to look at her and marry her, she doesn't deserve happiness cause she is fat. Now this woman takes her "revenge" to everyone involved, may that be parents, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers etc. Her husband was really good with her that's why she feels so sorry for treating him this way. We shouldn't be judgemental with this woman, we don't know what she faced through her life that hurt her so deeply. She is not mean to her husband, she is mean to the whole world and the injustice towards fat people. Now it's her time to prove that she CAN have many men, she CAN be successful, she doesn't need to compromise anymore cause of her weight. I really doubt if this woman will ever be that woman you knew. This woman you knew is buried by your wife inside her and she never wants to let her come out again.

 

Man you are unlucky, what can I say?

 

No offense, but that is a total cop out way of thinking.

 

That is an excuse for bad behavior. My STBXW also had a very tough childhood and loves to use it as a crutch for her current bad behavior. But I know plenty of people who also had rough childhoods who decide not to use it as a crutch.

 

My wife cheated on me like crazy. Is that now an excuse for me to behave badly? No. People can choose for themselves and either decide they are in control of their lives, or someone/something else is.

 

And yes, she is mean to her husband.

[Iguanna]

No offense, but that is a total cop out way of thinking.

 

That is an excuse for bad behavior. My STBXW also had a very tough childhood and loves to use it as a crutch for her current bad behavior. But I know plenty of people who also had rough childhoods who decide not to use it as a crutch.

 

My wife cheated on me like crazy. Is that now an excuse for me to behave badly? No. People can choose for themselves and either decide they are in control of their lives, or someone/something else is.

 

And yes, she is mean to her husband.

 

I'm not saying we should not blame people who do bad things at all cause of bad childhood, I'm just saying we have to justify them to an extent. Even the law is less strict with people having a tough childhood compared to those who were raised relatively good.

 

I don't want to underestimate OP's pain, but in my opinion his wife did no crime; she loved him, married him, she was a good wife, and then she fell in love with another man, she thought it would be better for her to change her life and she was honest and upfront about it. She didn't cheat (for all we know), she wasn't mean to him, she didn't insult him, she said she wanted out of the marriage and she wishes him the best. I think she is an honest person. She got married to him but even a marriage and all the vows in the world can's stop someone from falling in love with another person.

[AZtragedy]

 

I don't want to underestimate OP's pain, but in my opinion his wife did no crime; she loved him, married him, she was a good wife, and then she fell in love with another man, she thought it would be better for her to change her life and she was honest and upfront about it. She didn't cheat (for all we know), she wasn't mean to him, she didn't insult him, she said she wanted out of the marriage and she wishes him the best. I think she is an honest person. She got married to him but even a marriage and all the vows in the world can's stop someone from falling in love with another person.

 

 

Sorry, maybe you missed something along the way in this thread....

 

My wife (we are still married) DID cheat on me, she told me herself. It started as an emotional affair then turned physical and when that happened she told me a few days later. She went behind my back, not telling me how she was talking with this guy nearly every day. She never once told me how she was feeling about ANYTHING.

 

She moved in with this piece of trash that she "fell in love with", and all the rest, and she is STILL married to me. She has talked about the divorce papers, but I have seen nothing yet.

 

Her actions are TERRIBLY mean to me, since she has shown me the ultimate disrespect by cheating and leaving me for her affair partner. It does not get much lower than that. She lied to me, mostly by omission. She was not honest or upfront with me about her feelings until AFTER she cheated (physically). Her emotional cheating did not bother her enough to tell me about it.

 

In the days following her disclosure to me, she did say some very mean and hurtful things about how she thought I valued my side of the family more than her, and about how she claims to have held on to resentments against me for years and years over things that we had (I thought) agreed upon and come to terms with years before we were even married.

 

I personally think, in her fog, she is re-writing history and finding any justifications she can to assuage her guilt over hurting me so much.

 

So, no she was not honest at all - being honest does not mean doing something wrong and then admitting it later!