Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

I 've been following your thread since the beginning and can feel your pain coming through my computer screen. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I know it will take a long time to fully accept what has happened. There are two reasons why the past few days has been the worst since this terrible nightmare began:

 

1) Now that you are moving farther from her initial disclosure of cheating and wanting a divorce it is more apparent that she IS NOT coming back. In the beginning, while still in the denial stage of the grieving process, it was easier to think that her decision is not final ...... that she'll see this as a mistake and come back to you.

 

2) Her Birthday and the Thanksgiving Holiday. These events would no doubt be painful triggers because there are a lot of good memories from the past shared on those exact days. It's heartbreaking to realize that you will not be sharing birthdays or future holidays with her anymore.

 

I don't say these things lightly or to twist the knife any harder than it already has. I say it because I want you to accept what has happened so you can start to heal. Like others have mentioned time alone will not fully heal you. WHAT you do with that time is equally as important. Remaining in contact with her will not help you heal. It will keep you in a vicious cycle of inexplicable levels of pain.

 

You are still holding onto hope that she'll come back and that won't happen. Eventually you WILL get to the anger stage and I believe you will be just as angry at yourself when you look back on the time you dwelled in this abyss. Anger is a far more useful emotion than despair. She cheated on you and left you high and dry ...... that should make you incredibly angry. She is not the same person you once new.

 

Once again, I sincerely empathize with your situation and I want nothing more than to see you happy. Please try to take care of yourself over the holiday. I hope you manage to have some Thanksgiving with your cat, father, and brother. Keep posting as you go through this ordeal.

 

 

Thank you for this...you are correct in all of your points.

 

The handful of times I have felt really angry, it only lasted an hour or two and dissipated into total despair....if only I could find a way to use the anger whenever the despair creeps in.

 

Thank you very much for your well wishes....I am going to do my best to make it through, somehow.

[aliveagain]

I have to tell you that the healing won't start until your mind accepts she's gone. Your still early in the process but honestly, if you want to get her attention start the paperwork. She hasn't sent any papers because your still her back up plan if other man doesn't work out. Waiting around for her won't win her respect, it won't make you attractive to her. You need to show her the strong "you" now, the guy that's in control and is moving on with or without her. Friend, she's tainted, is this what you want back? I promise you doing nothing is about the worst thing you can do. Stop taking her calls, stop telling her how she makes you feel, you can't whine her back, you can't nice her back, those approaches are proven failures.

 

The successful way is to make the marriage a better place to be. Make the affair a hard place to be, make yourself look strong and in control. Why are you letting the person who is destroying the marriage have the control? You need to talk to a lawyer. Do not call her and wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. You know that the two of them are having their first special Thanksgiving together, you are not on her mind. Have you a place to go? If not dress up and go treat yourself to the best dinner in town and make it special.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

If my exwtb was living with a low life and banging him there is no way I could ever forgive her. That means she left you for what she thinks is better. Good, let her go.

 

You need to get some self confidence. I am 52 with an ex wife of 2 months. NO KIDS, like you. Let her fly away, and quit being her backup plan.

 

I have been doing the NC for 2 weeks. She texted me 4 times today and called. She is pissed that I won't answer. She said she needs to talk to me. I have no kids with her, why should I waste my time.

 

I had 4 neighbors invite me over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am going over to my beer drinking buddy's house in the hood and I may hit the other 3 neighbor's houses on the way home. Quit wasting your time. Go hang out with your Dad and Brother tomorrow and have FUN. Football all day. Go Cowboys.

 

It really gets better dude. You need to build up some confidence. There are plenty of normal women in this world. I am not looking and from what I hear that is when you and I will find one. Walk with your head high and smile at people when your out and about. Your depression will show if you don't figure out how to change it.

 

And love on your cat.

[AZtragedy]

I have to tell you that the healing won't start until your mind accepts she's gone. Your still early in the process but honestly, if you want to get her attention start the paperwork. She hasn't sent any papers because your still her back up plan if other man doesn't work out. Waiting around for her won't win her respect, it won't make you attractive to her. You need to show her the strong "you" now, the guy that's in control and is moving on with or without her. Friend, she's tainted, is this what you want back? I promise you doing nothing is about the worst thing you can do. Stop taking her calls, stop telling her how she makes you feel, you can't whine her back, you can't nice her back, those approaches are proven failures.

 

The successful way is to make the marriage a better place to be. Make the affair a hard place to be, make yourself look strong and in control. Why are you letting the person who is destroying the marriage have the control? You need to talk to a lawyer. Do not call her and wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. You know that the two of them are having their first special Thanksgiving together, you are not on her mind. Have you a place to go? If not dress up and go treat yourself to the best dinner in town and make it special.

 

 

This is good advice and I appreciate your writing this. I am definitely not saying anything to her for Thanksgiving....

[AZtragedy]

Dude,

If my exwtb was living with a low life and banging him there is no way I could ever forgive her. That means she left you for what she thinks is better. Good, let her go.

 

You need to get some self confidence. I am 52 with an ex wife of 2 months. NO KIDS, like you. Let her fly away, and quit being her backup plan.

 

I have been doing the NC for 2 weeks. She texted me 4 times today and called. She is pissed that I won't answer. She said she needs to talk to me. I have no kids with her, why should I waste my time.

 

I had 4 neighbors invite me over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am going over to my beer drinking buddy's house in the hood and I may hit the other 3 neighbor's houses on the way home. Quit wasting your time. Go hang out with your Dad and Brother tomorrow and have FUN. Football all day. Go Cowboys.

 

It really gets better dude. You need to build up some confidence. There are plenty of normal women in this world. I am not looking and from what I hear that is when you and I will find one. Walk with your head high and smile at people when your out and about. Your depression will show if you don't figure out how to change it.

 

And love on your cat.

 

You are definitely right about me needing more confidence....I feel like it was obliterated by her...

 

You are very strong and confident for being able to maintain NC for so long, and for being so ok with yourself.

 

Thanks for the advice, and I will try my best.

[dumped2013]

You seem like a great guy. Figure out your PM setting and send me a note and I will give you my phone number so my voice can knock some sense into you

[sidney2718]

good points...

 

It would definitely not be easy, it would be terribly difficult.

 

I do believe in forgiveness - it is one of the things that makes us fully human. And, yes, I would love for this pain to stop...but there is more to it than just the ending of pain....there is love.

 

Even after all the pain she has caused me.

 

I think you are looking at this the wrong way round. I think you have to start by getting her attention. Right now you are sitting on the shelf gathering dust while she's out there playing with a new toy.

 

Understand that no matter what you do, she could be gone. In that case you have two choices, (1) get over it, or (2) become an emotional cripple.

 

So first you have to get her attention. You have to convince her that she has something to lose, namely YOU. File for divorce. I know it will be hard. But it will bring her face to face with the fact that you are preparing to move on. You also have to cut off communication with her. You owe her nothing at this point.

 

Does filing for divorce mean giving up all hope. No. If she comes back and shows real remorse you can always drop the proceedings. Even after divorce you could still get back together. You'd not be the first couple to do that.

 

Finally, I'd remind you that you have to be willing to give her up first. If she cares, she will come back. If she doesn't, then that's it. You can't win her back by being sweet or guilting her. I know this is harsh and I'm sorry to have to say it. But you can only control you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi AZ:

It sounds like this has been a tough week. You are getting some really solid and good advice here, and it sounds like you aren't alone as others have felt this loneliness too. I just want to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and remind you to think about all the things you still have tomorrow when it gets overwhelming thinking about her.

I know that tonight I went to set things up at a homeless shelter for prep work in the morning and talked to some of the men who are there instead of with family. I feel great sadness for all the poor men there who have lost everything. Most of them are mentally ill, are alcoholics, have been discarded by their adult children because they just couldn't take it anymore, lost their physical health, and I thought, "There I go but for the grace of God." I am not trying to underplay your pain, because I feel deep sadness for you too, but you get to make some decisions about your life that they just do not have the health or resources to make.

I once read a book on a man's deep love for turtles. He wrote about how he had lost his wife, he had lost his children's love due to their mother's turning them against him and he lost his job due to depression due to her leaving, but he could still walk to the ponds around his house and look at turtles. Everyday when he wanted to lay in bed, he got up, the promise of those red-eared sliders sunning themselves on rocks and twigs nearby. Soon, he was sketching them, taking photos of them and drawing himself back out into the world to see the sunrise and to feel the wind blow. I just thought of you, because if you can find one thing to focus on, regardless of what it is, you can find an outlet to get you interested in something besides your pain, and it may blossom into interacting with life again.

Sorry if that makes no sense, but I just felt it might strike something in you.

Sending you support and kind thoughts,

Grumps

[AZtragedy]

Hi AZ:

It sounds like this has been a tough week. You are getting some really solid and good advice here, and it sounds like you aren't alone as others have felt this loneliness too. I just want to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and remind you to think about all the things you still have tomorrow when it gets overwhelming thinking about her.

I know that tonight I went to set things up at a homeless shelter for prep work in the morning and talked to some of the men who are there instead of with family. I feel great sadness for all the poor men there who have lost everything. Most of them are mentally ill, are alcoholics, have been discarded by their adult children because they just couldn't take it anymore, lost their physical health, and I thought, "There I go but for the grace of God." I am not trying to underplay your pain, because I feel deep sadness for you too, but you get to make some decisions about your life that they just do not have the health or resources to make.

I once read a book on a man's deep love for turtles. He wrote about how he had lost his wife, he had lost his children's love due to their mother's turning them against him and he lost his job due to depression due to her leaving, but he could still walk to the ponds around his house and look at turtles. Everyday when he wanted to lay in bed, he got up, the promise of those red-eared sliders sunning themselves on rocks and twigs nearby. Soon, he was sketching them, taking photos of them and drawing himself back out into the world to see the sunrise and to feel the wind blow. I just thought of you, because if you can find one thing to focus on, regardless of what it is, you can find an outlet to get you interested in something besides your pain, and it may blossom into interacting with life again.

Sorry if that makes no sense, but I just felt it might strike something in you.

Sending you support and kind thoughts,

Grumps

 

Thank you for your kind words of wisdom.....that is a good idea, to try to focus on even just one thing that would be positive in order to help me to stop dwelling on all this pain. I am definitely going to start thinking about what that could be, and see where it goes...it definitely makes sense, and all this hurt is so senseless.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and support!

[AZtragedy]

You seem like a great guy. Figure out your PM setting and send me a note and I will give you my phone number so my voice can knock some sense into you

 

 

haha! thank you....yeah whenever I get "established member status" maybe then I will get this PM thing worked out....thank you again.

[AZtragedy]

I think you are looking at this the wrong way round. I think you have to start by getting her attention. Right now you are sitting on the shelf gathering dust while she's out there playing with a new toy.

 

Understand that no matter what you do, she could be gone. In that case you have two choices, (1) get over it, or (2) become an emotional cripple.

 

So first you have to get her attention. You have to convince her that she has something to lose, namely YOU. File for divorce. I know it will be hard. But it will bring her face to face with the fact that you are preparing to move on. You also have to cut off communication with her. You owe her nothing at this point.

 

Does filing for divorce mean giving up all hope. No. If she comes back and shows real remorse you can always drop the proceedings. Even after divorce you could still get back together. You'd not be the first couple to do that.

 

Finally, I'd remind you that you have to be willing to give her up first. If she cares, she will come back. If she doesn't, then that's it. You can't win her back by being sweet or guilting her. I know this is harsh and I'm sorry to have to say it. But you can only control you.

 

 

I am glad you put things this way...I really can only control myself, not anyone else. I feel like sometimes I am beginning to slowly accept that she is just gone, but then I have these days that turn into several days where it just drags me so far down...

 

I am starting to get tired of being this emotional cripple who can only obsess over this one thing, even though it is a pretty big thing....as someone else pointed out here, I need to set a boundary or deadline for this grieving/wallowing/agony, in order to make progress in getting over it.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

Just found a moment to myself and wanted to check in on you...I do hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving with your family. Keep hanging in there, there is a light in all this darkness. It is hope that one day you will find peace each and every holiday because you will value yourself more than miss her.

Keep your chin up, you are going to make it.

Grumps

[Oberfeldwebel]

AZ, as many others on here have already told you, she does not value you. However the reason that you are having self esteem issues, is because you have chosen to believe that rubbish. You don't have to file for divorce, but you have to go no contact with her for your mental health. The fact that you continue to pine for her, gives her ego a charge, no matter what she says and paints you as a weak individual. Don't let her take your self esteem, reclaim it man. You need to be like the character Howard Beale in Network:

 

All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God d*** it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS H***, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'

 

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[RightThere]

How are you doing AZ?

[dumped2013]

AZ,what in the eff is going on? Hey right, I'm glad you moved AZ 's thread up, I almost did that today

[AZtragedy]

Hi - thank you to everyone for your thoughts, and for wondering how I am doing.

 

Everything is pretty much the same in my situation....she emailed me several times last week, so we have some contact.

 

I have been trying to get my head back on straight - so I am taking breaks from posting here and trying not to focus exclusively on this as much as possible...

 

I have been trying to take very small steps to try to "enjoy" something, anything at all, in order to help me to accept what is happening, and let go.

 

I still feel awful...but, I am starting to change my thought process and just "do" things rather than just think and feel hurt all the time.

 

It is going to be a long road, and I am just starting to take a few steps.

 

Thank you for your support and concern, and I will be around here now and then....

[Under The Radar]

Hi - thank you to everyone for your thoughts, and for wondering how I am doing.

 

Everything is pretty much the same in my situation....she emailed me several times last week, so we have some contact.

 

I have been trying to get my head back on straight - so I am taking breaks from posting here and trying not to focus exclusively on this as much as possible...

 

I have been trying to take very small steps to try to "enjoy" something, anything at all, in order to help me to accept what is happening, and let go.

 

I still feel awful...but, I am starting to change my thought process and just "do" things rather than just think and feel hurt all the time.

 

It is going to be a long road, and I am just starting to take a few steps.

 

Thank you for your support and concern, and I will be around here now and then....

 

 

Hey AZ,

 

I am glad you took the time to give us an update and let us know you're alive .

 

Of course, I'm so sorry that you have had to endure the holidays in so much pain. All of us were thinking about you on Thanksgiving and you'll be on our minds with the upcoming ones.

 

I agree that it is a good thing not to post and hang out on LS obsessively right now. You do need time away to process your life and these major changes. Remember, what you do with the time is more important than just watching the seasons pass by.

 

Like most here, I'm not a fan of remaining in contact with your estranged wife. That will undoubtedly keep you in the pain cycle, but I do understand why you are trapped by it and respect the decision. I think eventually you'll see that to fully heal it will require NC on your part from her.

 

I hope you'll continue to use LS as much as needed in the future. You have a long journey, but "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Nothing we can say now will dilute the pain or make complete sense. I know my words are not comforting at this time, but please know we care about you.

 

I have no doubt you'll be happy again, someday.

 

Under.The.Radar

Edited December 12, 2013 by Training Revelations

[RightThere]

Keep doing what you are doing AZ. I'm doing the same type of things. Don't think so much and just do things.

 

It gets easier, although sometimes you'll fall down. But as time goes on, the falls are less far down.