Wife loses weight, then leaves

[AZtragedy]

Thank you to all for your encouragement and advice...I am trying my best to heed your words.

 

I am doing maybe even worse than I ever have the last few days....I have tried so many different things to distract myself or to try to accept, let go and all the rest...

 

it is such a dark time for me right now, that I am in pure survival mode. I hate this holiday week so much right now, and am really just hanging on with all I've got.

[RightThere]

I don't want to underestimate OP's pain, but in my opinion his wife did no crime; she loved him, married him, she was a good wife, and then she fell in love with another man, she thought it would be better for her to change her life and she was honest and upfront about it. She didn't cheat (for all we know), she wasn't mean to him, she didn't insult him, she said she wanted out of the marriage and she wishes him the best. I think she is an honest person. She got married to him but even a marriage and all the vows in the world can's stop someone from falling in love with another person.

 

She actually did cheat. So that is why I say that she is mean. If it was divorce because of just falling out of love, then I would agree with you.

[AZtragedy]

I just want to add that my wife has not "wished me the best" and that is that. She contacts me every week, sometimes a couple times a week, to check on me to make sure I am "ok".

 

I know many recommend NC to "heal", and I wish it were as simple as that.

 

I am not "ok" and I am being honest with her by telling her so. If she really wants to know how I am doing, I am going to tell her.

 

This whole situation has really destroyed my entire world, my outlook on it, and even how I feel about myself. I have a long, long road ahead.

[RightThere]

Thank you to all for your encouragement and advice...I am trying my best to heed your words.

 

I am doing maybe even worse than I ever have the last few days....I have tried so many different things to distract myself or to try to accept, let go and all the rest...

 

it is such a dark time for me right now, that I am in pure survival mode. I hate this holiday week so much right now, and am really just hanging on with all I've got.

 

Keep hanging in there. I still have my dark days and moments as well. But I know deep down that this is going to be better for me. I'm not trying to control my life anymore. I'm letting life give me great things and opportunities.

 

You need to file for divorce. Stop waiting because she will not do anything. She gets the benefit of living out her affair in the fog without the responsibilities of going through the divorce. My STBXW is doing the same thing. Dragging her feet, not telling her family about the divorce, stalling on mediation.

 

Don't think about it and just dive into it. File and keep pushing forward. I know it is hard but don't even think about it. You just need to do it.

 

((Bro hug))

[Iguanna]

Oh I see, I missed this cheating part, I'm sorry. I thought she just left and then slept with the other guy. I agree, that's mean.

[AZtragedy]

Keep hanging in there. I still have my dark days and moments as well. But I know deep down that this is going to be better for me. I'm not trying to control my life anymore. I'm letting life give me great things and opportunities.

 

You need to file for divorce. Stop waiting because she will not do anything. She gets the benefit of living out her affair in the fog without the responsibilities of going through the divorce. My STBXW is doing the same thing. Dragging her feet, not telling her family about the divorce, stalling on mediation.

 

Don't think about it and just dive into it. File and keep pushing forward. I know it is hard but don't even think about it. You just need to do it.

 

((Bro hug))

 

 

Thank you for your encouragement.....

 

I do appreciate the advice.

[RightThere]

I just want to add that my wife has not "wished me the best" and that is that. She contacts me every week, sometimes a couple times a week, to check on me to make sure I am "ok".

 

I know many recommend NC to "heal", and I wish it were as simple as that.

 

I am not "ok" and I am being honest with her by telling her so. If she really wants to know how I am doing, I am going to tell her.

 

This whole situation has really destroyed my entire world, my outlook on it, and even how I feel about myself. I have a long, long road ahead.

 

Stop telling her!!!! Answer with "good" or "fine" and that's it from now on.

 

I feel where you are right now. You're still deep down hoping for her to show up at your doorstep and go back to how things were. It will not happen if you tell her how miserable you are. I guarantee you her and her new man talk after you message saying "That's too bad about AZ. I hope he gets it together." And then they go off and do fun things.

 

File your divorce and start making their life uncomfortable so they actually have to deal with the pile of crap you're sitting on.

 

Believe me when I say I was where you are right now. And I cannot give you a magic pill to find that light switch and suddenly say "Screw them. I'm going to live my new life to the fullest!" But if you won't follow the advice on here, just keep reading it and thinking about it. You will get through this.

[AZtragedy]

Oh I see, I missed this cheating part, I'm sorry. I thought she just left and then slept with the other guy. I agree, that's mean.

 

 

thank you, but, again - we are married (!)

 

even if she left and THEN slept with the lowlife, that is STILL cheating!

[Iguanna]

thank you, but, again - we are married (!)

 

even if she left and THEN slept with the lowlife, that is STILL cheating!

 

True. Have you talked about the divorce etc?

[AZtragedy]

True. Have you talked about the divorce etc?

 

 

She told me on Oct. 30th to be expecting the paperwork "soon".

 

It is now four weeks later, and nothing as of yet.

 

I have my suspicions as to why I have not received paperwork yet, but I don't really want to get into that here.....

 

I have no problem waiting for her to start this process, if that is what she truly wants. I am not going to start it myself, because it is not what I want.

[AZtragedy]

.

 

Believe me when I say I was where you are right now. And I cannot give you a magic pill to find that light switch and suddenly say "Screw them. I'm going to live my new life to the fullest!" But if you won't follow the advice on here, just keep reading it and thinking about it. You will get through this.

 

I am trying, I really am....you are right, there certainly is no switch to turn it all off (or on)...

 

Yesterday was her birthday and tomorrow is thanksgiving, and it is just a week in hell.

[Iguanna]

I am not going to start it myself, because it is not what I want.

 

So you would forgive her?

[AZtragedy]

So you would forgive her?

 

If she was truly remorseful and told me she was wrong, and wanted to try again, I would definitely forgive her. That is what I want more than anything...it is probably futile and the odds are probably extremely low.

 

I know there is still the good "her" somewhere in there...but she needs to recognize it herself. But, yes, I can and would forgive her.

[Iguanna]

If she was truly remorseful and told me she was wrong, and wanted to try again, I would definitely forgive her. That is what I want more than anything...it is probably futile and the odds are probably extremely low.

 

I know there is still the good "her" somewhere in there...but she needs to recognize it herself. But, yes, I can and would forgive her.

 

Are you sure this is not your hurting self talking? You wish that she comes back, you would forgive her, but if this happens do you think it will be so easy? Is it that maybe you want to stop hurting that bad so you say you will even forgive her for this to happen?

[BC1980]

She told me on Oct. 30th to be expecting the paperwork "soon".

 

It is now four weeks later, and nothing as of yet.

 

I have my suspicions as to why I have not received paperwork yet, but I don't really want to get into that here.....

 

I have no problem waiting for her to start this process, if that is what she truly wants. I am not going to start it myself, because it is not what I want.

 

I would file ASAP. Take some control back. Also, stop enabling her guilty behavior by answering to her texts.

[AZtragedy]

Are you sure this is not your hurting self talking? You wish that she comes back, you would forgive her, but if this happens do you think it will be so easy? Is it that maybe you want to stop hurting that bad so you say you will even forgive her for this to happen?

 

 

good points...

 

It would definitely not be easy, it would be terribly difficult.

 

I do believe in forgiveness - it is one of the things that makes us fully human. And, yes, I would love for this pain to stop...but there is more to it than just the ending of pain....there is love.

 

Even after all the pain she has caused me.

[Iguanna]

good points...

 

It would definitely not be easy, it would be terribly difficult.

 

I do believe in forgiveness - it is one of the things that makes us fully human. And, yes, I would love for this pain to stop...but there is more to it than just the ending of pain....there is love.

 

Even after all the pain she has caused me.

 

In order to forgive we have to use something as justification for what hurt us. What would you call what your wife did in order to justify her actions and forgive her? Would you say she just wanted to be a rebel? That love made her act badly? That is may was your own fault for not understanding her needs? What will you say to yourself if you forgive her? (I'm just trying to make you think).

[AZtragedy]

In order to forgive we have to use something as justification for what hurt us. What would you call what your wife did in order to justify her actions and forgive her? Would you say she just wanted to be a rebel? That love made her act badly? That is may was your own fault for not understanding her needs? What will you say to yourself if you forgive her? (I'm just trying to make you think).

 

I know now that she has been going through some bewildering, confusing, and difficult changes since she lost so much weight over the last 3 years. She has not handled it well (and told me that she should have been a stronger person).

 

I always helped her with everything that came up over the last 16 years and I can help her with this, if she would let me. She needs counseling and therapy for her self-image issues, most of which go way back to her teenage years.

 

I understand falling into a midlife crisis - it happens to all sorts of people. She feels like this is her opportunity to try things she did not try when she was younger (seeing other people and etc) and she feels like if she did not take this chance now she would later "regret it".

 

If she would "wake up" and see that she is in a midlife crisis affair, I would very much help her in every way possible. I still care about her so much, and it is not just out of a sense of greed of selfishness for my own feelings for wanting her back. I have thought about this constantly the last 8 weeks, and I believe I am being honest when I say that this is out of love, not need or want or pain....

 

Thank you for getting me thinking and getting me to type out some of these thoughts that are driving me insane....

[RightThere]

I have my suspicions as to why I have not received paperwork yet, but I don't really want to get into that here.....

 

You have not received paperwork because there is none.

 

And sorry to tell you what you want, but you want your old life back. You want your wife to come back, tell you she's sorry, and get back into your routine.

 

She is not coming back now or likely at all. The longer you wait for her, the longer this pain will continue. If she was to come back, it won't be because she feels sorry for how sad you are. So what you are doing is counter productive to both possible outcomes.

 

I challenge you to smile at another person the next time you are out (shopping, lunch, whatever). Try for a girl, but I just want you to smile at someone until you get a smile back and feel some of those endorphins in your brain get released and feel a tiny bit better.

[Iguanna]

I know now that she has been going through some bewildering, confusing, and difficult changes since she lost so much weight over the last 3 years. She has not handled it well (and told me that she should have been a stronger person).

 

I always helped her with everything that came up over the last 16 years and I can help her with this, if she would let me. She needs counseling and therapy for her self-image issues, most of which go way back to her teenage years.

 

I understand falling into a midlife crisis - it happens to all sorts of people. She feels like this is her opportunity to try things she did not try when she was younger (seeing other people and etc) and she feels like if she did not take this chance now she would later "regret it".

 

If she would "wake up" and see that she is in a midlife crisis affair, I would very much help her in every way possible. I still care about her so much, and it is not just out of a sense of greed of selfishness for my own feelings for wanting her back. I have thought about this constantly the last 8 weeks, and I believe I am being honest when I say that this is out of love, not need or want or pain....

 

Thank you for getting me thinking and getting me to type out some of these thoughts that are driving me insane....

 

Well no love is totally selfless and you can't blame a man for having found happiness, having lost it and wanting it back, even if the reasons he does it may sound wrong. No feeling is wrong. If you are willing to forgive your wife cause you want your old routine back and you are not in the mood to search for another woman to love etc or cause you love her so much that you can selflessly forgive her, this is your own issue and I can understand you whatever you do. The thing though is that your wife seems to be happy at the moment and we have no clue if she is coming back. You have to decide what you are going to do. Will you tell her you are there waiting for her to come back or will you try and move on? I see you have not yet made a decision, some days you are trying to get over it and move on and today you are talking about forgiveness. I can't judge, for God's sake, I can't blame you. You are hurt. But you have to see the facts and decide. Your wife told you she is leaving you for another man and she talked about divorce. I understand that you have hope she comes back until you see the divorce papers. Will you do something for me? Can you put a deadline for your "waiting"? Say "if she doesn't come back until 10 of February (for example) I will move on." But keep this deadline. Can you do this? This way you will have a plan and you won't get crazy every day being confused and lost. I do this in my life and it helps.

[AZtragedy]

 

She is not coming back now or likely at all. The longer you wait for her, the longer this pain will continue. If she was to come back, it won't be because she feels sorry for how sad you are. So what you are doing is counter productive to both possible outcomes.

 

I challenge you to smile at another person the next time you are out (shopping, lunch, whatever). Try for a girl, but I just want you to smile at someone until you get a smile back and feel some of those endorphins in your brain get released and feel a tiny bit better.

 

 

The majority of "me" knows this is true, and yet there is that minority part that will not accept it until the other shoe drops, so to speak.

 

I suppose in some way, I want her to really understand how much I hurt over this, because when she first told me she didn't want to be married anymore, she said she thought I would agree with her or at least know what she was talking about..........she could not have been more wrong.

 

So, it is not that I am trying to "prove" her wrong or anything, either...I am telling her the truth, as it is for me, now. It is not a ploy to get her back or to play mind games, it is just reality. She asks how I am doing, and I tell her.

 

As for your suggestion on smiling at someone, I will definitely take your advice and try.

[AZtragedy]

Well no love is totally selfless and you can't blame a man for having found happiness, having lost it and wanting it back, even if the reasons he does it may sound wrong. No feeling is wrong. If you are willing to forgive your wife cause you want your old routine back and you are not in the mood to search for another woman to love etc or cause you love her so much that you can selflessly forgive her, this is your own issue and I can understand you whatever you do. The thing though is that your wife seems to be happy at the moment and we have no clue if she is coming back. You have to decide what you are going to do. Will you tell her you are there waiting for her to come back or will you try and move on? I see you have not yet made a decision, some days you are trying to get over it and move on and today you are talking about forgiveness. I can't judge, for God's sake, I can't blame you. You are hurt. But you have to see the facts and decide. Your wife told you she is leaving you for another man and she talked about divorce. I understand that you have hope she comes back until you see the divorce papers. Will you do something for me? Can you put a deadline for your "waiting"? Say "if she doesn't come back until 10 of February (for example) I will move on." But keep this deadline. Can you do this? This way you will have a plan and you won't get crazy every day being confused and lost. I do this in my life and it helps.

 

Thank you .... and yes, that is a good idea about a deadline or boundary for this sort of thing....I will do that. I appreciate your input, too.

[Steadfast]

I do believe in forgiveness - it is one of the things that makes us fully human. And, yes, I would love for this pain to stop...but there is more to it than just the ending of pain....there is love.

 

Wishing and hoping will not accomplish anything. Your need and misplaced devotion has and is destroying any chance (however slim) of reconciliation.

 

You do not see it that way.

 

You also do not believe that her actions make her not just bad for you, but bad for anyone. You call her OM a scumbag, but he's just following his desires at the cost of everything else. Like you AZ. You can't get past the pain because you are not willing to take the steps out. You are stubbornly holding on but the harder you squeeze, the faster is slips away. Fact.

 

You also do not believe that her being out of your life could (and would) be the best possible thing that ever happened to you. If you let it. You won't.

 

I'm angry because you are hurting yourself, and you've suffered enough. I, and many others have suffered THE EXACT SAME THING. Most of us with kids. How would you like to face what your facing AZ, PLUS deal with two teenagers crying because they feel their life was a lie? Toss in complete financial ruin. Toss is the worst possible example for your kids.

 

I was no tower of power AZ. My name is not John Wayne. My LOVE (for our kids, myself, and HER) gave me the strength to reject her actions and decisions. I rejected it and gained the respect of everyone involved. Most importantly, myself. i said no. Life with a cheater isn't a life. It's a prison.

 

You can find me on other threads AZ. Frankly, others hurting here are willing to listen and recognize good advice. That's where I'll be.

 

Best of luck friend, because luck is all you have left.

[Under The Radar]

I 've been following your thread since the beginning and can feel your pain coming through my computer screen. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I know it will take a long time to fully accept what has happened. There are two reasons why the past few days has been the worst since this terrible nightmare began:

 

1) Now that you are moving farther from her initial disclosure of cheating and wanting a divorce it is more apparent that she IS NOT coming back. In the beginning, while still in the denial stage of the grieving process, it was easier to think that her decision is not final ...... that she'll see this as a mistake and come back to you.

 

2) Her Birthday and the Thanksgiving Holiday. These events would no doubt be painful triggers because there are a lot of good memories from the past shared on those exact days. It's heartbreaking to realize that you will not be sharing birthdays or future holidays with her anymore.

 

I don't say these things lightly or to twist the knife any harder than it already has. I say it because I want you to accept what has happened so you can start to heal. Like others have mentioned time alone will not fully heal you. WHAT you do with that time is equally as important. Remaining in contact with her will not help you heal. It will keep you in a vicious cycle of inexplicable levels of pain.

 

You are still holding onto hope that she'll come back and that won't happen. Eventually you WILL get to the anger stage and I believe you will be just as angry at yourself when you look back on the time you dwelled in this abyss. Anger is a far more useful emotion than despair. She cheated on you and left you high and dry ...... that should make you incredibly angry. She is not the same person you once new.

 

Once again, I sincerely empathize with your situation and I want nothing more than to see you happy. Please try to take care of yourself over the holiday. I hope you manage to have some Thanksgiving with your cat, father, and brother. Keep posting as you go through this ordeal.

[AZtragedy]

Please believe that I am trying. I am listening and trying to implement as much advice as I can get....

 

I also admit that this is tearing me apart, and that some days I cannot take it...

 

I think it is a bit early for me to declare victory and see myself as winning some prize because she cheated and left....I am still in shock and grieving. I am still lost in my own fog of disbelief.

 

I know I have to let go and accept what has happened, and that I cannot make anyone do what they do not want to do.

 

But, I also need to express my thoughts, as misguided as they are, or else I will go insane.