Wife loses weight, then leaves

[imtooconfused]

First, I am sorry to read about your situation. It's hard to understand how someone can be so selfish. Reading through all the comments, this one connected with me the most:

 

This may be the first time in your wife's life that she's objectively "hot", and out of immaturity and lack of personal boundaries she's enjoying trying out that new persona on for size.

 

She may come back and she may not; you're goal is to get to the point where you don't care either way. As has been said, you deserve better.

 

Now that she thinks she is hot, she feels the need to take advantage of the situation. She will eventually come to learn that if one is that superficial, one only connects with other people as equally superficial. A guy who only started dating her because she was hot will eventually move on to the next hot chick when the passion cools. She will come to miss what she had, but you can't stand for that.

 

If she comes back to you, she will certainly be treating you as second best, the consolation prize. From the sound of this, you are nothing of the sort. You sound like a stand up guy who deserves nothing less than a partner that places you first in their life. Put this woman in the rear-view and don't look back.

[AZtragedy]

 

Now that she thinks she is hot, she feels the need to take advantage of the situation. She will eventually come to learn that if one is that superficial, one only connects with other people as equally superficial. A guy who only started dating her because she was hot will eventually move on to the next hot chick when the passion cools. She will come to miss what she had, but you can't stand for that.

 

If she comes back to you, she will certainly be treating you as second best, the consolation prize. From the sound of this, you are nothing of the sort. You sound like a stand up guy who deserves nothing less than a partner that places you first in their life. Put this woman in the rear-view and don't look back.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.

 

I do wish she would come back, and soon. It is so hard to imagine my future without her. You are right, I do not deserve to be treated this way - I never did anything to deserve it.....

 

It is just so hard to separate my love for her, which is genuine, from what is best for both of us.

 

It makes me think, is love a selfish thing? Is love sharing all aspects of life together, or is it really just what one can get out of it for awhile, before finding it elsewhere.....this whole situation has also really shaken what my ideas about love are. Perhaps it is because the trust we had has been completely destroyed, but it still makes me think that there has to be some core of love that is true, somehow...

 

To be told by my wife that her "feelings about me changed", basically because she "fell in love" with this co-worker, has made me wonder what people really think love is? I have always thought that love was the one force in the universe that could withstand anything. but now, to hear from the person who I shared so much love with that "the definition of love has changed" for her, really truly hurts and makes me question everything.

 

I just don't understand.

[beach]

I hope you will seek help with a counselor.

 

You need help sorting out your perspective. It may be the trauma of her behavior that's altering your view of what love looks like.

 

No, love isn't selfish. Your wife is selfish and not acting with love. That's why it's best not to talk to her.

[AZtragedy]

I hope you will seek help with a counselor.

 

You need help sorting out your perspective. It may be the trauma of her behavior that's altering your view of what love looks like.

 

No, love isn't selfish. Your wife is selfish and not acting with love. That's why it's best not to talk to her.

 

I would like to get some counseling, but not sure how to go about it. Do I have to contact my health care provider first, to get a list? Or do I randonly find someplace and then see if it is covered?

 

I have to go someplace covered, since my wife left I am now paying for all the bills in our house, when we always split everything 50/50 before.

 

You are correct - the trauma of her abandoning me has altered pretty much everything I thought about the whole world.....

 

Your statement "No, love isn't selfish. Your wife is selfish and not acting with love" is so true. I am going to try to keep that foremost in my mind when all these thoughts come rushing in all the time....

 

Thank you for your insight - it is truly appreciated.

[Chi townD]

I know I sound like a broken record on this, but WHY "expose her"?? What good does that do? That's stooping to her level. It makes you look like a desperate chump, a weakling. IT SERVES NO GOOD PURPOSE. Period. And, frankly, it's no one else's damn business.

 

 

 

Because it forces her to own up to her own sh*t! You don't think that she's telling friends and family that they're getting divorce because "they want different things out of life." or " we've just been growing apart." or "he stopped treating me well." She'll totally re-write the marital history and put HIM in a bad light just so she doesn't end up the bad guy in all of this.

 

DO you honestly think that she's going to tell her folks, "I'm leaving my husband because I, now, like the attention I'm getting from other men and I want to go ahead and screw them. Hell, I've already started!" Yeah, I see that happening.

Edited October 30, 2013 by Chi townD

[Chi townD]

I would like to get some counseling, but not sure how to go about it. Do I have to contact my health care provider first, to get a list? Or do I randonly find someplace and then see if it is covered?

 

 

 

Yes, go to your regular doctor and tell him or her what's happening in your life and tell them you would like a referral to speak to a professional about it. They'll go ahead an get you referred out and they might also start you on some antidepressants. TAKE THEM AS PRESCRIBED!!! Nothing wrong with some meds to get you through the hard times.

[AZtragedy]

It really is over.

 

Tonight my wife came home in order to pay me for her half of the bills for October. It is what she wanted to do - I did not ask her to do it.

 

After some good small talk, her handing me the check for the bills, and updates on people we know, she told me that she is going to start the divorce proceedings in early November. She said she did not want me to be surprised when it begins.

 

I started to cry, and then we talked for an hour or two....

 

I told her how miserable I feel, and how this is the last thing I ever wanted. She said she felt badly about how much she had hurt me, and she wished things had never developed to this point. She said she should not have let it get to this point, and that she feels responsible.

 

I managed to get her to tell me what seems to be one of the biggest problems she had with me - that from our very earliest days together(14-16 years ago) she had always resented how much time and value I placed on my family (my father and younger brother, with whom I am very close). She said she always felt jealous of my relationship with them, and that sometimes it felt like that relationship was more important to me than our relationship.

 

My mother died when I was 19, and as a result, I became very close with my father and younger brother. The three of us lived together for a long time - up until my wife and I got married when I was 34.

 

My wife told me tonight that she had built up layers upon layers of resentment over how much time I would exclusively spend with them, going on vacations with them while she did not get to go, and for her having to put off marriage until it was right for me to move out from where I was living with my father and brother. I would also spend some holidays with them, while she would spend holidays with her family, so we were 'apart' on many holidays.

 

She felt resentment over how close I was with them, and she would sometimes feel that I valued them more than I did her. Since she was overweight, she was too insecure to tell me how resentful and angry she would get, out of fear that I would leave her.

 

She never once told me about this stuff until tonight. She knew that I did not purposely try to value them over her, but after so many years the resentment had caused a lot of damage to our relationship because she would always return to that anger.

 

She said she felt like things always had to be done according to when it was right for me......this is true, to a degree. I did persuade her to be patient with me and wait until the "time was right" for me to get married. We waited 10 years of "dating" or being a couple without living together before getting married in 2007....The thing is, from my point of view, I thought that I knew she was ok with this putting it off too long. We also waited a couple years into our relationship before having sex because I was afraid of any possibility of conceiving a child while we were both so much in debt from college. All along she said she was ok with these things, but in the end it turns out she never let go of her anger or resentment, and her inability to tell me her resentment built up to the point of where after she lost so much weight, she felt enabled or empowered enough to move on and have an affair with her co-worker, with whom she has been friends with for 5+years, but never more than friends until very recently.

 

This co-worker and her are currently living together, starting just a couple of days after she told me she wanted to end the marriage. Since she is planning on filing divorce papers already starting in a week or two, I am going to assume a big part of the motivation is that she wants to have a child or children with this new man. We kept putting off having children together for various reasons - getting a house, saving money, and also what turns out to be her pent up resentment toward me.

 

Anyways, it turns out this pent up resentment festered within her for so long, that over the last few months it turned into contempt. Her weight loss seems to have enabled her to feel empowered to make more choices now that she is not fat .... before she would not dream of leaving me, because she had no one else to go to. Now, she has this new person, as well as a perceived increase in interest from the male population. So, she let this bitterness and resentment warp her feelings toward me, and as the affair relationship with her coworker coincided with this, here we are, on the verge of divorce.

 

I feel so bad about all of this. I never intentionally tried to make her feel second best. It is true that I wielded too much influence over the timing of things, and a lot of that is due to the responsibility I felt towards my family. I always thought she was at peace with this, and thought she understood that I always had a bit of balancing act with everyone. She told me tonight that she knew it was hard for me to balance everyone, and that she thought she was ok with it, but in the end she let these things allow her feelings about me to change....

 

This is such a tragedy. It did not have to be this way. Why oh why did she not tell me a long time ago how angry or jealous she would get when I would spend time with my family apart from her....I truly thought she was ok with the way things were back then. She allowed these things to build up so much that she fell out of love with me when the opportunity came along for a replacement.

 

Now she will likely have a family (or at least try to, she is 39) with this coworker while I am left completely alone here in our 'dream' house. She does not want the house, any of the "stuff", nor any of the money. She wants a divorce so she can be with someone else, and I am left with a sort of consolation prize - all the "stuff". Yuck.

 

I do not know what to do anymore. This hurts so much. How will I ever get over this, or at least move on?

Edited October 31, 2013 by AZtragedy

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not know what to do anymore. This hurts so much. How will I ever get over this, or at least move on?

Like any marriage you both had issues and challenges. Did both of you cheat? There answer is no, one of you was committed to the relationship.

 

None of this is your fault. Given her entitled mindset, you could have turned your back on your family the moment you met her and still had this happen.

 

Don't let her put any of this on you and don't you assume this burden yourself. This is about her. Her deception and her decision to end your marriage. Which she forgot to tell you about while she was putting the details in place.

 

AZtragedy, you may be guilty of a lot of things. Causing the breakup of your marriage is not one of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Salvatore85]

Well in the end she got what she wanted. She cheated, made you feel horrible and then completely convinced you it was your fault.

 

You don't deserve this and you didn't do anything wrong. You spent 16 years with her, while she was overweight, and your love for her never wavered. You're a good man, who from what I've read, poured his heart and soul into this relationship so god dammit stop blaming yourself this!

[AZtragedy]

Like any marriage you both had issues and challenges. Did both of you cheat? There answer is no, one of you was committed to the relationship.

 

None of this is your fault. Given her entitled mindset, you could have turned your back on your family the moment you met her and still had this happen.

 

Don't let her put any of this on you and don't you assume this burden yourself. This is about her. Her deception and her decision to end your marriage. Which she forgot to tell you about while she was putting the details in place.

 

AZtragedy, you may be guilty of a lot of things. Causing the breakup of your marriage is not one of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you so much for saying this.....my head has been spinning even more than it already was before she told me these things.

 

This is about her and her deception. You are so right - I never had any inkling of this, nor did I ever want it to end. Your point about how I could have turned my back on my family and this still could have happened actually does make me feel better.

 

I appreciate your thoughts.

[AZtragedy]

Well in the end she got what she wanted. She cheated, made you feel horrible and then completely convinced you it was your fault.

 

You don't deserve this and you didn't do anything wrong. You spent 16 years with her, while she was overweight, and your love for her never wavered. You're a good man, who from what I've read, poured his heart and soul into this relationship so god dammit stop blaming yourself this!

 

 

you are exactly right - my love never wavered one iota, regardless of how she looked. I do not deserve this. I still cannot believe this is happening, but I have to somehow keep it in mind that this is not my fault.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, I do appreciate it.

[hayewils]

Sorry your here.

I had to reply as your situation and mine are somewhat simiar.

My wife is 40, she just up and left 8 months ago. I can tell you it does get easier.

I do still have difficult moments, cried for the first times in months the other day. I dont understand why except that i had my stuff packed to move and i was in that hump where i was wishing it hadnt come to this and i knew i was going to where she wont find me.

I had to stop and realize that she hadnt tried to contact me up to that point so that now wouldnt make a bit of difference.

My wife was also the type who held everything in then justs blows when she had enough. Dont beat yourself up for that, its not your fault that she built up resentmet cause you had different ideas about the way things should be handled.

My stbxw wife held things in, i blamed myself but then i had to stop and realize somthing. Its something for you to think about also.

Its not our fault they reacted the way they chose, its their fault.

We as humans are not from a high tec outter space world with great telepathic abilities. We do not read minds and we cannot fix what we do not know whats broke. Its on them cause they lack simple communication skills.

My stbx also had weight problems, she constantly worked on controlling that. I fell in love with the girl, nothing else. We had fun, till she moved up into the corporate world, then i started noticing a change in her. I cant do anything with that.

All i know is that the lustful happiness always fades, they will be here again.

And im sorry but, a woman starts having more difficulty holding a certain size after 40 so i hope my stbxw's butt gets bigger..

Keep your head up, gonna take a while before you start getting stronger but it does come.

Try to just take care of yourself and try to sleep and eat right..

[beach]

Stop thinking it's you!

 

It's her!

 

IF she was that unhappy - it was HER responsibility to be honest about how she felt - but she didn't!

 

Instead her solution was to lie to you - then connect with another man behind your back WHILE being married! Then she made a conscious effort to screw him and leave you out.

 

You didn't cause that! She's a jerk! She's trying to justify her cheating - don't allow it! It's on her! She could have divorced FIArST - but she didn't!

 

Running from one R to another is very unhealthy. She didn't even finish one before starting the next.

 

She's got problems! You can't fix things for her.

 

Please don't blame yourself for HER poor choices and bad behavior...that's ONLY on her! She had opportunities to be honest yet she chose not to be. You couldn't possibly have a real M when she wasn't willing to be honest.

 

Move forward. I hope you take charge of your life and file immediately!

 

If you need to- get a roommate to help with your expenses.

[AZtragedy]

My wife was also the type who held everything in then justs blows when she had enough. Dont beat yourself up for that, its not your fault that she built up resentmet cause you had different ideas about the way things should be handled.

My stbxw wife held things in, i blamed myself but then i had to stop and realize somthing. Its something for you to think about also.

Its not our fault they reacted the way they chose, its their fault.

We as humans are not from a high tec outter space world with great telepathic abilities. We do not read minds and we cannot fix what we do not know whats broke. Its on them cause they lack simple communication skills.

My stbx also had weight problems, she constantly worked on controlling that. I fell in love with the girl, nothing else. We had fun, till she moved up into the corporate world, then i started noticing a change in her. I cant do anything with that.

All i know is that the lustful happiness always fades, they will be here again.

 

 

thanks so much for telling me your story, too....there are a lot of similarities. both of our wives seemed to have a hard time dealing with their true emotions, preferring to push them into a dark corner of their minds.

 

you are so right when you say that we are not mind readers, because that is really what it would take to find out these sorts of things. she always told me things were cool and she even believed it.

 

but when the opportunity came up to be tempted by another man, she started to feel strange feelings she was not prepared for and allowed herself to be seduced by these strange emotions. rather than deal with them like an adult, she succumbed to them and decided it is better to wipe the slate clean (she actually told me that tonight).

 

there is no such thing as a clean slate. I hope someday she will realize this.

 

you are right - choices were made that are out of our control. it is just so hard to accept all of this.

[AZtragedy]

Stop thinking it's you!

 

It's her!

 

IF she was that unhappy - it was HER responsibility to be honest about how she felt - but she didn't!

 

Instead her solution was to lie to you - then connect with another man behind your back WHILE being married! Then she made a conscious effort to screw him and leave you out.

 

You didn't cause that! She's a jerk! She's trying to justify her cheating - don't allow it! It's on her! She could have divorced FIArST - but she didn't!

 

Running from one R to another is very unhealthy. She didn't even finish one before starting the next.

 

She's got problems! You can't fix things for her.

 

Please don't blame yourself for HER poor choices and bad behavior...that's ONLY on her! She had opportunities to be honest yet she chose not to be. You couldn't possibly have a real M when she wasn't willing to be honest.

 

Move forward. I hope you take charge of your life and file immediately!

 

If you need to- get a roommate to help with your expenses.

 

I have to say, I really do appreciate your thoughts and advice and comments. you seem to have a really clear head about these sorts of things and are able to tell it like it is, and I thank you for it.

 

you are so right - everything you said is dead on. she made these choices to go behind my back, to violate our trust, to not be honest time after time. it really does seem like she is trying to justify her cheating and leaving me in the dirt by coming up with all of these rationalizations and explaining her mindset. (granted I did ask her to explain everything to me as much as she could).

 

I do think it is unhealthy to jump from one R to another R without any time whatsoever in between. I dont know if that is a common thing? or what sort of unique problems that poses. I guess I should not even be thinking about it, because that is solely her problem now......it is just so hard to care so deeply for someone for so long and then for this to happen and come unraveled so quickly.

 

I am going to move on; I suppose I need a pity party for myself right now because this is such a shock, and such a betrayal.

 

but thank you again for your comments.

[AZtragedy]

OP, I hate to be insensitive here, but this is something you need to hear.

 

You need to bottle up those emotions for now and deal with the problem at hand: you have an EXTREMELY selfish and entitled person on your hands.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to put a case together on you that makes you look like the bad guy so she could take you to the cleaners in divorce. You need to get as much information on her as possible. Hire a private investigator. At least that way, you could walk away with your savings and, even better, what she owes you for doing this.

 

Thank you for telling me that the problem is that SHE is extremely selfish and entitled, and not that I somehow failed to hold up my end of the bargain.....it is an entitlement attitude to think that I should have known what she was thinking and feeling about everything. She has told me many times she wishes she had been a stronger person and not let these things affect her so much, but the fact is, they did. She chose not to be honest with me about these things, and that led to the ultimate dishonesty of cheating and betrayal....I am still in the shocked and hurt phase here, but I am starting to understand (thanks to all of you) that she has really created these problems out of her own deficiencies and inability to deal with emotions and problems.

 

To her a midlife crisis right now equals some opportunity to "start over" with her coworker/affair partner. it seems like the self-deluding continues, but that is out of my hands now....

 

As for the divorce, I do believe her when she says she does not want the house, the stuff or the money and etc.....I really do not care about this stuff, I only cared about her. I also know that she is "giving" me these things out of a misguided need to assuage some of her guilt, and to put everything from her past into a box and put it on the shelf somewhere in her mind...much like she did with her pent up resentments. We all know how well that has worked out......

[dumped2013]

She will be with the new guy and get fat again and he will dump her. Holidays + food= getting fat. Just a matter of time.

[road]

It really is over.

 

Tonight my wife came home in order to pay me for her half of the bills for October. It is what she wanted to do - I did not ask her to do it.

 

After some good small talk, her handing me the check for the bills, and updates on people we know, she told me that she is going to start the divorce proceedings in early November. She said she did not want me to be surprised when it begins.

 

I started to cry, and then we talked for an hour or two....

 

I told her how miserable I feel, and how this is the last thing I ever wanted. She said she felt badly about how much she had hurt me, and she wished things had never developed to this point. She said she should not have let it get to this point, and that she feels responsible.

 

I managed to get her to tell me what seems to be one of the biggest problems she had with me - that from our very earliest days together(14-16 years ago) she had always resented how much time and value I placed on my family (my father and younger brother, with whom I am very close). She said she always felt jealous of my relationship with them, and that sometimes it felt like that relationship was more important to me than our relationship.

 

My mother died when I was 19, and as a result, I became very close with my father and younger brother. The three of us lived together for a long time - up until my wife and I got married when I was 34.

 

My wife told me tonight that she had built up layers upon layers of resentment over how much time I would exclusively spend with them, going on vacations with them while she did not get to go, and for her having to put off marriage until it was right for me to move out from where I was living with my father and brother. I would also spend some holidays with them, while she would spend holidays with her family, so we were 'apart' on many holidays.

 

She felt resentment over how close I was with them, and she would sometimes feel that I valued them more than I did her. Since she was overweight, she was too insecure to tell me how resentful and angry she would get, out of fear that I would leave her.

 

She never once told me about this stuff until tonight. She knew that I did not purposely try to value them over her, but after so many years the resentment had caused a lot of damage to our relationship because she would always return to that anger.

 

She said she felt like things always had to be done according to when it was right for me......this is true, to a degree. I did persuade her to be patient with me and wait until the "time was right" for me to get married. We waited 10 years of "dating" or being a couple without living together before getting married in 2007....The thing is, from my point of view, I thought that I knew she was ok with this putting it off too long. We also waited a couple years into our relationship before having sex because I was afraid of any possibility of conceiving a child while we were both so much in debt from college. All along she said she was ok with these things, but in the end it turns out she never let go of her anger or resentment, and her inability to tell me her resentment built up to the point of where after she lost so much weight, she felt enabled or empowered enough to move on and have an affair with her co-worker, with whom she has been friends with for 5+years, but never more than friends until very recently.

 

This co-worker and her are currently living together, starting just a couple of days after she told me she wanted to end the marriage. Since she is planning on filing divorce papers already starting in a week or two, I am going to assume a big part of the motivation is that she wants to have a child or children with this new man. We kept putting off having children together for various reasons - getting a house, saving money, and also what turns out to be her pent up resentment toward me.

 

Anyways, it turns out this pent up resentment festered within her for so long, that over the last few months it turned into contempt. Her weight loss seems to have enabled her to feel empowered to make more choices now that she is not fat .... before she would not dream of leaving me, because she had no one else to go to. Now, she has this new person, as well as a perceived increase in interest from the male population. So, she let this bitterness and resentment warp her feelings toward me, and as the affair relationship with her coworker coincided with this, here we are, on the verge of divorce.

 

I feel so bad about all of this. I never intentionally tried to make her feel second best. It is true that I wielded too much influence over the timing of things, and a lot of that is due to the responsibility I felt towards my family. I always thought she was at peace with this, and thought she understood that I always had a bit of balancing act with everyone. She told me tonight that she knew it was hard for me to balance everyone, and that she thought she was ok with it, but in the end she let these things allow her feelings about me to change....

 

This is such a tragedy. It did not have to be this way. Why oh why did she not tell me a long time ago how angry or jealous she would get when I would spend time with my family apart from her....I truly thought she was ok with the way things were back then. She allowed these things to build up so much that she fell out of love with me when the opportunity came along for a replacement.

 

Now she will likely have a family (or at least try to, she is 39) with this coworker while I am left completely alone here in our 'dream' house. She does not want the house, any of the "stuff", nor any of the money. She wants a divorce so she can be with someone else, and I am left with a sort of consolation prize - all the "stuff". Yuck.

 

I do not know what to do anymore. This hurts so much. How will I ever get over this, or at least move on?

 

 

Do you want to throw in the towel?

 

Do you want to stay married?

[imtooconfused]

She knew she was not happy with the way that you treated her. I am certain that you could have worked out those issues between you two if she had brought them up at an appropriate time. You would have worked through it and most likely had a much stronger relationship as a result.

 

Instead she chose the exit strategy. The "grass is greener" strategy. She chose the easy and the lame way out. The fact that she is bringing up her problems now, at this time, after she has already exited the marriage is a cop out and an attempt to shift blame from her immaturity to you. Don't let her do this to you. None of this is your fault since she never gave you a chance to change. More importantly, for her to lay this guilt trip on you is a mean, destructive act that only reinforces my opinion that she is a toxic individual to you and you need to let her go.

[hayewils]

Everytime i asked my ex is she had something on her mind, if she needed to talk, her response was "no, im fine"

BULLDUNKIE!

As far as a clean slate, bulldunkie again.

I never liked that saying. Wipe the slate clean. Have you ever seen slate?

Its not smooth. Rough edges, mortar is also porous.

No matter how much you wanna wipe down and clean that slate, theres always a little crap in trapped somewhere.

All the meaning behind a clean slate is that someone is hoping that all their wrongs will be forgotten..

You never forget, there is always crap trapped in thos rough edges and in that mortar.

[beach]

An authentic person OWNS the way they participated.

 

She hasn't done that! In fact, quite the opposite. Blaming others for her bad behavior and poor choices won't help her - it will actually grow her demons bigger (probably what lead her to become over weight too).

 

If/when she tries to place any of her crap onto you - YOU need to be honest - by stating your truth! Stand up for what's true and correct!

 

Say to her "I am not to blame for your poor choices and bad behavior - all you needed to DO was get honest with me - yet you didn't even tell me what was real for YOU!"

 

 

You can't be expected to understand there might be a problem when she was pretending (lying by omission) that everything was ok.

 

That part is only on her.

 

You can't change that defect for her! It's hers to fix!

 

You can call her out on her lies - and you should! Defend yourself - you aren't to blame for what SHE has or hasn't done!

 

If she didn't like it = it was HER job to speak up! Yet she didn't!

 

She's broken! I hope she gets help in owning what crap she has created!

[Chi townD]

Well, now you know what she's telling people....she just told you. She's telling people that you valued your family more than her....drove a wedge between you two....blah....blah....Bullsh*t...blah...

 

 

Well, on a good note, she's leaving you everything; therefore, strike while the Iron is hot! Look over the decree when you get it with a lawyer and if she IS leaving you everything, SIGN IT! Sign it before some slick lawyer convinces her that she's entitled to a lot more.

 

You can read story after story of a wife that cheats, files for a divorce, she gets the house, the kids, alimony and she moves her affair partner into YOUR home, meanwhile, these guys are having a hard time making ends meet in a crappy studio apartment. So, take advantage while she still feels guilty.

 

From this point on, get a lawyer and stop talking to her! Anything she says can be said through your lawyer.

[AZtragedy]

So many great responses and replies and insight....thank you to everyone here for your support!

 

Now that she has removed the last sliver of hope I had for reconciliation, and it is really over, I am going to move forward with the knowledge that this really is all on her. Like so many of you have said, she chose to be a coward, a cheat, a liar, and a jerk. We had a great thing going...it is not my fault that she chose to let things build up inside her mind. She did have 16 years to tell me everything she was feeling, but when it came to this, she let her fear take hold.

 

There is some real toxicity there, that she has not fully dealt with. She thinks she can basically run away from her toxic problems by pretending to "start over" with someone else, and now that she is not overweight she feels empowered to do so. This looks to me like she is continuing to fool herself into thinking she is something that she is not. She even said to me last night that a "normal person" would have dealt with these resentments and fears better. Well, fine, but it is not being a "normal person" to run off behind my back and completely change our lives without any input at all from me.

 

I can see, now, that she has found rationalizations and self-justifications for allowing herself to be tempted into an affair and new relationship with someone else while still being married. Rather than confronting her fears, her problems, and her issues in a healthy, responsible and mature way, she decided to take the exit ramp and see where that goes.

 

It is astounding how people that we knew so well can be so changed so quickly. Losing weight does not really make one a "new person" like she says. There is no such thing as a "new person." Life is a continuum, not a series of episodes, like a tv show or a movie.

 

I am just beginning to feel a little bit of anger or outrage over this now, rather than the pure sorrow of the past four weeks. I need to remember that this is her fault, this is her problem, and that it seems I am better off without someone who is so toxic and so troubled.

 

Thank you all, again.

[hayewils]

Bingo!!

You understand.

It is unfortunate that our lives change because of someone elses

Selfish reasoning, because of things we cannot comprehend. These people dont care who they destroy on their way to their selfish fantasy world.

Whats really stupid is she is admitting her faults and failures but yet see leaving to be with someone else as the best way to handle it..

Ha ha!!! Whatever makes them feel better. Its only a way for them to hide from their own shame.

[AZtragedy]

 

These people dont care who they destroy on their way to their selfish fantasy world.

Whats really stupid is she is admitting her faults and failures but yet see leaving to be with someone else as the best way to handle it..

Ha ha!!! Whatever makes them feel better. Its only a way for them to hide from their own shame.

 

 

Yes, I am beginning to see that now....she has to run elsewhere so she can hide from herself some more. She has to pretend or at least keep telling herself that 'next time it will be different'.....

 

Well, it is not going to be different for too long if her issues and problems are not truly resolved or dealt with. Like you said about slate, it is far from being smooth and clean....

 

I know that she feels ashamed of how this went down, and how she has acted. I know she feels sorry for hurting me, and I know that she does wish it had not happened this way. But, this was her choice, and her doing. I never wanted any of this. I hope someday she will stop trying to convince herself of things in her mind and instead deal with them openly and responsibly.

 

Moving in with a guy while still married, and presumably getting in a big hurry to get pregnant because she is 39, is not going to help her with things in her mind. I would think it will only compound the problems....