Wife loses weight, then leaves

[Chi townD]

 

Now that she has removed the last sliver of hope I had for reconciliation, and it is really over, I am going to move forward with the knowledge that this really is all on her. Like so many of you have said, she chose to be a coward, a cheat, a liar, and a jerk. We had a great thing going...it is not my fault that she chose to let things build up inside her mind. She did have 16 years to tell me everything she was feeling, but when it came to this, she let her fear take hold.

 

 

No dude. This is a lie. She didn't have 16 years to tell you this. Because in the 16 years IT WAS NEVER A BIG PROBLEM!!!

 

It took her 16 MINUTES to think of that excuse to justify her cheating to herself! This is called rewriting the martial history. It's an actual thing.

 

None of this is your fault.

 

I would strongly suggest that you rip apart that house and put it back together! Make it your own. Get new furniture, new appliances. if it's going to be too much then, rearrange the furniture. Re-paint the walls to a color that YOU like. Put up new artwork on the walls. Stuff that YOU like. Make it your own. This will help erase things in the house that would remind you of her. And if you haven't done it yet. CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!!! She made it clear that she abandoned the home, therefore, you should be within your rights to change the locks. You don't want her walking around the place when you're not there.

 

 

And I strongly recommend that you get into individual counseling. Start talking to someone. The shock is going to wear off and you're going to be all over the place emotionally.

[AZtragedy]

No dude. This is a lie. She didn't have 16 years to tell you this. Because in the 16 years IT WAS NEVER A BIG PROBLEM!!!

 

It took her 16 MINUTES to think of that excuse to justify her cheating to herself! This is called rewriting the martial history. It's an actual thing.

 

None of this is your fault.

 

 

 

I have been thinking about all of this so much, and I do believe you are right - in her mind she made that up as an excuse to justify to herself her cheating and "falling in love" with someone else. It is so hard to think that she can so easily and willfully play these mind games with both myself and her.....I really did not believe she had the capacity for this sort of thing. Man, losing so much weight like she did certainly did have an impact on her, like she said....only one of the biggest impacts was to turn her into a very selfish, manipulative person. She is not the same person I used to know so well and love so much.

 

As for the house and etc, I think that is good advice....in fact I was thinking of moving the furniture around today or tmw, so at least some things will be different..thank you for your advice!

[dumped2013]

I'm telling you dude, move on and watch her blimp up again. There are plenty of women out there. I'm 2 months into D and I don't even go out. I'm not ready to meet anyone new. Got to get over the old. When I run into a girl and fireworks go off, like 2.50 has said then I know I'm ready.

[AZtragedy]

I'm telling you dude, move on and watch her blimp up again. There are plenty of women out there. I'm 2 months into D and I don't even go out. I'm not ready to meet anyone new. Got to get over the old. When I run into a girl and fireworks go off, like 2.50 has said then I know I'm ready.

 

Thank you for your reply......yeah there is a good chance she will gain most or all the weight back. I really did help keep her from falling off the wagon...I made sure we kept exercising and eating right.

 

I know that sometime I will be able to go out with women again. I just never expected this, or even thought it was possible....that is one big learning experience, for sure....

[dumped2013]

For me too. Tonight's Halloween. Halloween + candy = fat

[AZtragedy]

No dude. This is a lie. She didn't have 16 years to tell you this. Because in the 16 years IT WAS NEVER A BIG PROBLEM!!!

 

It took her 16 MINUTES to think of that excuse to justify her cheating to herself! This is called rewriting the martial history. It's an actual thing.

 

 

 

This really is a case of rewriting marital history, isn't it? That is such a good point that if things were so bad, she could have said at least ONCE that she felt 2nd place or jealous of my family.

 

Only after all the damage has been done does she bring this up, in what looks like an attempt to assuage her guilt and shame over this. It also helps her to shift blame partially on to me. What a terrible thing to do to someone. I do not deserve this sort of treatment. I do not have any "ememies" and I do not think they would even treat me this badly.....

[Chi townD]

Dude, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Sad part is, is that you loved her when she was at her heaviest. You saw through her fat and saw the girl underneath. You fell in love with the girl underneath it all and even though she lost the weight, that should have reaffirmed her love for you. She should have been like, "yeah, it's nice to get noticed by other men now. But, where were they when I was fat? My husband was always there."

 

She didn't do this. And THAT'S why she's feeling so guilty. Because she KNOWS she's doing it.

 

So, you need to be selfish yourself. I would change the locks, change your number and block her on your facebook and start a new email account. She made a choice to have you out of her life, then be gone.

 

Get a membership to the gym and GO! Everyday! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. This will help you work off the stress and frustrations. Plus, if you get plenty of sleep and eat right, you're going to work on that rock hard bod, and the girls are gonna notice. Buy a whole new wardrobe and get a new hairstyle. start making positive changes. People are gonna notice these changes and be like, "DAMN DUDE! Lookin sharp!!"

 

Then, get out and stay busy. Join clubs in your area. Running club, cycling club, co-ed sports, photography class, cooking class, dive lessons.....stay busy!!!

 

Start

[AZtragedy]

This is all so true.....her losing weight seemed to be a mental trigger for her to start her midlife crisis, self-justifying her behavior and emotions, and change pretty much everything in her life....and it all only took a matter of weeks to a few months to go ahead with this.

 

I thought of another twisted aspect of this, which is that she has a degree in psychology (she does social work, though, and is NOT a psychologist)...so it really seems like she has self-diagnosed herself over the past weeks and months to get to this point. I would think self-diagnosis is a BIG delusion, is it not? Actual doctors go to other doctors when they have problems - they do not diagnose themselves (if they want to be healthy). She really does have problems....I suppose in time I will stop feeling sorry for her, and caring so much, and will be able to focus on me more than I am....

 

As for me, I have been lifting weights 3-4 times a week since this happened, and also going on very long walks 4 times a week, and getting as much physical activity as I can.....it really does help to quiet down all the noise that is in my head over this.

[Raena]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the middle of a BU myself and I completely understand the emotions you are feeling. I even understand your willingness to forgive and forget it and to want to remain friends with her.

 

I know its hard and you want to hang on to what you had. For it to happen so suddenly like this is heartbreaking. What you need to keep telling yourself is that you are a good person and you don't deserve to be treated like this and then break it off and move on. You sound like a really decent person so I hope you can do what you can to take care of you and your needs. Go get some IC and explore there your feelings about how to handle this.

[Grumpybutfun]

I have been thinking about all of this so much, and I do believe you are right - in her mind she made that up as an excuse to justify to herself her cheating and "falling in love" with someone else!

 

AZtragedy:

You asked her for a reason and she had to come up with one involving your issues so she didn't have to tell you the real reason...she is a fragile, egotistical, no self-esteem coward with identity issues who wanted to live out her 20's which she blames you for taking away. She did put a bit of truth in there about her resentment of you, but that is only because it was self-serving to say you did things on your own time table rather than for her to say that she takes no responsibility for her own life because she is co-dependent on others for her self-worth.

Do you have a Behavioral Health Clinic in your area who can work with your insurance? You really need to talk with someone professionally at least a couple of times to get some perspective. Forgive yourself for anything you think you may have done to contribute to this...she would have done the same thing with any man she is with because this is about her, not you.

Best,

Grumps

Edited October 31, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are correct, she is rewriting history to ease her guilt and place the blame on you, don't let her do this. I recommend that you cut all contact with her, except as it pertain legal or financial issues. Don't be mean or rude, nor be sad or cry around her. You need to be as indifferent and business like as you can with her. She is not your friend buddy or pal, she is a person you use to know. I know it will take time to get over your feelings, just don't share them with her.

 

In the mean time you need to get on with your life. Now is the time to redecorate the house, concentrate on your hobbies or start a new one. Volunteer to help others to take the emphasis off of your situation. I discourage you from dating until you have resolved the situation in your mind a little better. You are getting on a roller coaster ride of emotions that are going to overwhelm you at times. This is completely normal and will subside in time. Eventually you will find that you are quite indifferent towards her. She on the other hand will be in her 40's with a couple of small children and a man who has moved on to his next conquest. Just remember if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you as well.

[atreides]

AZtragedy ... where do i start. Forgive my context as I am usually very blunt but to the point. First off, your W is full of *****.

She knows how to play you like a fiddle, that is what infuriates me about your situation. She F'd up and she made it seem like you are the reason. She wants to be the victim and pities you... "oh poor you..." she thinks and goes back to her BF probably sighing with relief as to be glad it's over. Personally i would call her every name in the book, but that's me and most times it's better to be calm and collect.

 

It is infuriating that you let her put this all on you, and her pathetic and shallow excuse of your family. holy cow... the nerve. Chi townD got it right, but i would say it took her 6 rather than 16 minutes.

 

You have to look at you, and move on.... frankly the only thing I would have to say to her is that no, it is all on her, she is the liar, that i don't buy into her pathetic attempt to get closure or forgiveness from me. I would beat her to the punch on D and so that you can finally take control here. She is in a lust fog and you are making it more comfortable for her if she stays in control and thinks that she can lay all this crap about your family on you and in walk.

As i read your posts, I kept seeing this theme where she has all the cards and all the power over you and she is the one who cheated. I am like WTF?

Take control back, do not live one more moment of your life with your head hung low for her bull*****. A change in you and how you handle yourself and this situation could be the thing to break her fog, but i still wouldn't take her back. However, it would give you control and for her to finally feel the brunt of what she caused.

Edited November 1, 2013 by atreides

[AZtragedy]

First, thank you to all of the excellent replies - I appreciate each and every word. There are so many intelligent, thoughtful people here, and it really is helping me to get perspective.

 

I am starting to feel a bit angry from time to time about this....I really got screwed over, and like many here have said, my wife is trying to shift so much of the blame for all of this on to me. The "new person" that she has become is very selfish, superficial and cruel. I do not deserve to be treated this way, especially because I really did not do anything wrong.....unlike her, who lied, cheated, destroyed our trust, and abandoned me for her own selfish pursuits and neuroses.

 

She definitely does wield the power in this situation, and perhaps that is one of the things she really wanted to accomplish with this. I am going to try to keep contact at a minimum, and I am going to try to stop thinking my sad, sorrowful thoughts all the time. It is so hard, because this is not what I ever wanted, but I am starting to see that I need to snap out of my own fog of misery and start being more concerned about me - now, today, and in the future.

 

She is totally in a fog, acting in ways that she never would have imagined she could not too long ago. She is and has been re-writing history to serve her own twisted purposes, and she is the one who will need to live with the fact that she is a cheater, a liar and a terrible person. I have not been angry with her once this entire time, and I think I will keep it that way. When we last spoke Wed. night and she told me about the divorce beginning soon, I did quietly tell her that sometimes I wonder how she can live with herself every day, knowing what she has done. If there is any conscience there at all anymore, I would think that before too long (after she is out of her fog) the reality of what she did to me (and herself) will hit home.

 

I am starting to try to take charge of myself - I am exercising a LOT, and the other day I got a buzzcut haircut, and today I am going to get fitted for contact lenses for the first time in my life. Since this happened, I feel like these glasses I wear are a barrier between me and everyone else, and it is time to get rid of them.

 

I am going to rearrange some furniture and make some changes around this house. I am going to try to stay busy so I am not able to have more pity parties for myself.....last night (Halloween) was pretty hard for me. I have so many great memories from our years together. This morning I have felt crappy, but then I read all the replies here, and I am already feeling like I am tired of this self-pity and sorrow. I know it is not going to go away just like that, and I am sure my emotions will be all over the place for awhile....but I do have to start somewhere.

[Valen]

AZ, have you cut all contact with her? If not, I hope you can dig deep and use that anger you have over this situation and leave her in the past. So the next time she contacts you, tell her you don't want anything more to do with her and that you're moving on and for her to not contact you in the future. Change your number if you have to. It's time for you to heal and that can only happen if you stop trying to be on friendly terms with her. She's not worth it. Anyone that can hurt you this bad, doesn't deserve friendship. Even an enemy can't hurt you this bad. So keep your chin up, you are a great man and a great husband. You are still young and will find a lovely lady to spend you life together.

[jaymz]

AZ, you have got some great advise on here so far. It does get better but you need to stop analyzing why - you will never understand and that's not a bad thing - and start living your life.

 

Take control: Divorce her for infidelity. Join meetups. Start new hobby. Go out with friends. Keep busy!

 

You are already doing some the the right things: Do the full 180. Stop talking to her. Keep on exercising. Update your image. Keep posting.

 

THere is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZtragedy:

Good work you are doing on yourself. The only person's behavior and reactions we can control are our own. What she did or does in the future is entirely in her court, and though you may want things to be different, accepting things as they are and not how you would like them to be is a major big step towards healing.

You get one life on this planet so please do not waste anymore time trying to make excuses or trying to be friends with someone who does value you though she made commitments to do so. A person is only as good as their word.

Hang in there,

Grumps

[AZtragedy]

More great insight, thoughts and replies from everyone - thank you all so much for your support!

 

I am continuing to tell myself when I think of her now that the person that I knew as her no longer exists. The woman I knew and loved for so long has been replaced by some scheming, cruel and unfaithful zombie....what a shame.

 

I do have a question I thought of - many here have advised to do NC or at least keep it at a bare minimum.....I have been thinking I will only contact her occasionally, so she can get to experience what her choices are for herself. I do know that every 3 days or so she will send me a short email asking me "how are you doing?" (she has done this repeatedly for the last 4 weeks).

 

I know her motivation is to make sure I have not gone off the deep end or disappeared....I do believe she cares for me as a "friend" and she said a couple nights ago that she will always love me (she is parsing her words here, since she already told me repeatedly that the "definition of that love has changed", blah blah etc)...

 

At any rate, to get to my question, how should I respond in an email to the question "How are you doing?"

 

I realize I could just not write back and do NC, but then she will think I am dead or something.....before when I have answered that question to her over the last 4 weeks, my response has been very emotional - telling her I am miserable, terrible, heartbroken, etc etc. I usually ended up going into a little detail as to how heartbroken and sad and everything.....

 

Should I just say that I am "ok", or "fine"? That feels untruthful to both her and myself....do I say that I am "sad" and just leave it at that? Do I say that I am "trying my best" and leave it at that?

 

Any advice would be so appreciated, because I know I will get this email again in a day or two....

Edited November 2, 2013 by AZtragedy

[beach]

I'd respond with "stop asking me! You're not privy to my info any more!"

 

Seriously, she just causing you more pain every time she contacts you! Tell her to stop hurting you!

 

 

Her contact is to relieve HER guilt! Don't hand that to her! It also feeds HER ego! We know you don't need to do THAT anymore!

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

I am going to be very direct here, but it is only because you are asking for advice and I think you have wasted enough time worrying about her at all. No contact is the only way to go here...her message occasionally about how you are doing to assuage her guilt for being a liar, abadoner and an adulteress is nothing but evilness. Self-serving evilness.

 

 

"How are you doing?"

 

I realize I could just not write back and do NC, but then she will think I am dead or something.....before when I have answered that question to her over the last 4 weeks, my response has been very emotional - telling her I am miserable, terrible, heartbroken, etc etc. I usually ended up going into a little detail as to how heartbroken and sad and everything.....

 

Should I just say that I am "ok", or "fine"? That feels untruthful to both her and myself....do I say that I am "sad" and just leave it at that? Do I say that I am "trying my best" and leave it at that?

 

Any advice would be so appreciated, because I know I will get this email again in a day or two....

 

SHE DOES NOT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. She moved on to some guy who probably makes fun of you while banging her because you spill your guts in texts messages. She isn't your friend...stop thinking of her that way. Wow, she cheats on you, abandoned you, and she still gets her ego stroked by you telling her how much you miss her, how miserable you are without her, etc.

 

Honestly, she pities you...you are pathetic to her if she thinks you are going to commit suicide or do something to yourself which doesn't say a lot about your ability to not be co-dependent on her for your self-worth...also, it makes you appear weak and emasculated. Sorry, but you need to hear this because you are letting her take all of your power/identity and you aren't seeing the forest for the trees. You are micro-managing your feelings and your reactions based on what she TELLS you, not what she shows you by her actions of really being a true friend. Friends do not do this to each other...do you not know this?

 

Get angry because she threw everything away because she is a selfish, mean and uncaring person....her checking on you and saying she feels bad is just to get you to allay her of her guilt, and you do. Stop! She is guilty, and she is a bad person, and she has no care for you regardless of her WORDS.

 

She gets nothing...not a word except for "Stop texting me, my lawyer will be in touch with you shortly." Then, call your lawyer and tell him he needs to make sure she doesn't contact you anymore because it is turning into manipulation and harassment.

 

Then do everything you can to heal and get over this horrid person. No one deserves this manipulation after they have been abandoned and cuckolded. You owe her nothing...she made her choice and it wasn't you, so do not allow her to live rent free in your life anymore when you could be moving on and building your life back.

 

Unfortunately, I have seen situations like yours through many years of service in the military, and it never ends well for the person who cannot move on. They stay mired in pain and lose their identity because they misunderstand that love is a feeling when it is an action. She is not showing you any love.

 

I truly hate to be this harsh to you because you seem like a great guy, but I want you to be healthy and happy in your future, not mired in this drama where you are the victim.

Sincerely,

Grumps

[Valen]

AZ, I really hope you can listen to what Grumpy said above as well as what others are telling you. What you are going through isn't unique. We all know someone personally that have gone through your situation. So our advice to you to is to help you avoid the pitfalls that some have gone through. Trying to be on friendly terms and hoping that she'll change her mind is the worst thing you could do for yourself. You are dragging yourself down the gutter. This pain and misery you feel will drag on even longer if you can't move on. The wife that you knew is dead. I mean DEAD. It's time to grief. It's time to heal.

 

So dig deep, and find your pride. Don't let her rob you of your decency. Stand up for yourself. She disrespected you. She hurt you more than any person ever did. Tell her to "F-off, don't speak to me again."

[AZtragedy]

Thank you to beach, Grumpybutfun, and Valen for your responses thus far....all three of you are united in your belief that I should not respond to this kind of question (or maybe any questions). I appreciate your pointing some things out to me that perhaps I had not realized or even thought of before.

 

It had not occurred to me that by telling her how miserable I am, she gets her ego stroked and actually takes even more power from me....it certainly does feel like she has taken all the power from me. I had thought that actually being honest with her about how I feel was right, but you have all very correctly pointed out that she has not been honest with me about anything in this whole situation......

 

I do need to find some pride and self-respect in this situation, because it really has damaged me and who I thought I was, and pretty much everything in life.....no one has ever hurt me anywhere near this badly before....I had complete 100% trust and faith in her, and she threw it in the trash like it was no big deal....she gets to "move on" and do whatever the hell she wants with seemingly no consequence, and it is so unfair.

 

I am definitely going to have to change the way I communicate with her...I am working on staying busy and caring for myself now as much as I can. Perhaps caring for myself should also include to stop enabling her to try to remove her guilt over all this.

[todreaminblue]

AZ, I really hope you can listen to what Grumpy said above as well as what others are telling you. She hurt you more than any person ever did. Tell her to "F-off, don't speak to me again."

 

i totally agree with valen on this ...but....feeding her with angry words will only let her know she got to your heart .....and she will continue to do to you with what you have shown her gets to you.......peopel can be pricks like that male and female.....no gender specification on being a dickhead

 

condescending ignorant arrogant or self serving behavior does not need a response of anger...its needs to be dealt with cleanly and with detachment...do not engage a malicious person......you need strategy...strategic move say you know she is sorry for what she has done ....but its like whatever.....look, i forgive you (even when she is being a dick) and say its over .......i dont care what you say ...... it means nothing.......i wish you well in life....now let me get on with mine....peopel to see places to go you know, too busy for this crap ...cheerio .......i wish you well hope you find who you are looking for....shouldnt depend on the amount you weigh either....just ahint for you to take with you on yrou journey...no oen deserves to be treated badly or without thought...so you show thought...for your heart...do it before she cuts up that heart again.. you let her go there.....you will be stuffed......keep your heart alive...dont give it to her......debbie

[todreaminblue]

Thank you to beach, Grumpybutfun, and Valen for your responses thus far....all three of you are united in your belief that I should not respond to this kind of question (or maybe any questions). I appreciate your pointing some things out to me that perhaps I had not realized or even thought of before.

 

It had not occurred to me that by telling her how miserable I am, she gets her ego stroked and actually takes even more power from me....it certainly does feel like she has taken all the power from me. I had thought that actually being honest with her about how I feel was right, but you have all very correctly pointed out that she has not been honest with me about anything in this whole situation......

 

I do need to find some pride and self-respect in this situation, because it really has damaged me and who I thought I was, and pretty much everything in life.....no one has ever hurt me anywhere near this badly before....I had complete 100% trust and faith in her, and she threw it in the trash like it was no big deal....she gets to "move on" and do whatever the hell she wants with seemingly no consequence, and it is so unfair.

 

I am definitely going to have to change the way I communicate with her...I am working on staying busy and caring for myself now as much as I can. Perhaps caring for myself should also include to stop enabling her to try to remove her guilt over all this.

 

rock on buddy.....debbie

[Valen]

i totally agree with valen on this ...but....feeding her with angry words will only let her know she got to your heart .....and she will continue to do to you with what you have shown her gets to you.......peopel can be pricks like that male and female.....no gender specification on being a dickhead

 

 

In most situation I would never recommend acting out on anger. But in times when it needs to be express. It's better to let it go and not bottle it up. In therapy, they teach you to let it out because it's part of the healing process. I don't want AZ to bottle any of this up and have it resurface later in life under different circumstances. At this point, he shouldn't care what she thinks anymore. It's no longer a chess match where you have to think your next move is to beat her at it. It's not a game one should play. Like his heart, all the pieces on the chess board are scattered on the floor, it's just time to walk away forever.

 

Wish you the best AZ.

[Taramere]

This is all so true.....her losing weight seemed to be a mental trigger for her to start her midlife crisis, self-justifying her behavior and emotions, and change pretty much everything in her life....and it all only took a matter of weeks to a few months to go ahead with this.

 

I thought of another twisted aspect of this, which is that she has a degree in psychology (she does social work, though, and is NOT a psychologist)...so it really seems like she has self-diagnosed herself over the past weeks and months to get to this point. I would think self-diagnosis is a BIG delusion, is it not? Actual doctors go to other doctors when they have problems - they do not diagnose themselves (if they want to be healthy). She really does have problems....I suppose in time I will stop feeling sorry for her, and caring so much, and will be able to focus on me more than I am....

 

She's probably been analysing the situation with colleagues she's friendly with - and the likelihood is that as friends and colleagues, they will be guilty of telling her what she wants to hear. I don't doubt that she had low self esteem when she was obese. Overweight people often "swallow their anger" quite literally - or they learn to go to the opposite extreme and starve themselves to demonstrate how in control they are. Eating disorders aren't necessarily associated with narcissism, but they certainly can be.

 

If, as an overweight woman, she kept quiet about things that made her unhappy because she didn't value herself highly enough to believe she could express a controversial opinion and still be loved, then that indicates a fairly narcissistic outlook to me. Basically, somebody who's placing such strong emphasis on her appearance that she's not sure what else she has to offer. "How much I matter/how entitled I am to express my opinion is related to how good other people think I look." You can probably see yourself how easily somebody with that sort of insecure "I don't matter because I'm not attractive" thinking could switch to a pretty overtly shallow and narcissistic mindset if they lost the weight and became widely regarded as attractive. These personality types are two sides of the same coin. A few changes in circumstances and one can become the other very easily - despite the appearance of them being poles apart.

 

 

As for me, I have been lifting weights 3-4 times a week since this happened, and also going on very long walks 4 times a week, and getting as much physical activity as I can.....it really does help to quiet down all the noise that is in my head over this.

 

Good for you! Get a dog, and go for walks in your local park. You'll find plenty of women there who are looking for a man like you, when you're ready. Lots of people have been through something similar to what you've gone through. It's a painful but effective learning process, and when you're ready to love again I think you'll make far better choices than you did first time around.