Wife loses weight, then leaves

[Oberfeldwebel]

AZ - Do you know how you eat an elephant sandwich? One Bite at a time. The same thing is true with you, the situation seems so overwhelming that it is hard to see how you can get over her betrayal. Realize that you are going to ride a roller coaster of emotions, but just like Misadventure told you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that it may not seem like it right now, but you are doing well, considering the situation. Don't waste your life with her attempts to ease her conscience. If she was truly sorry for what she had done, she would have ditched the OM and asking your forgiveness and trying to repair your relationship. Instead she trying to get you to believe she has no choice. Don't let her lay that crap on you. You have been dealt a bad blow that has knocked you off your feet. Time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and start living a new and better life. There is a Brave New World out there.

[aybc123]

I think this is fairly common. Its not just triggered by weight loss, anything that lowers a persons self-esteem, confidence etc makes them more needy in a relationship and fearful of leaving it. If someone is depressed or overweight or hates their job or lacks friends or doesnt have any passions etc then changing all of that can in effect make them a different person. In many ways a better them.

 

This is the problem if you get involved with people who are in this situation, whether its for 16 years as with the OP or just in the first year or two of a relationship, because when it changes that person will change a lot too. It's why ideally you should find someone who is happy with themselves and their life before you start a relationship with them (and why you should only start a relationship if those things apply to you) because you're far less likely to change and if you do it still isnt going to be relationship ending because when you're high the only way is down, generally.

 

OPs wife probably felt like she could do and has done better, she never had the opportunity to try different relationships and to realise that they're all the same pretty much, some people being slightly better matches some worse. Chances are she thought if the bad version of her was in this relationship then the good version could get something even better. In time she may realise that actually she was dragging her ass in the relationship she was in and was lucky to have OP stick around in the first place, but it wont be for a while.

 

I guess it's related to GIGs in many ways.

 

Anyway OP im sorry for your loss, the best you can do is take the proper time to heal and to work on and focus on yourself. You can still be happy again with someone else so it's important to remember that.

[aybc123]

As for how she can seem so different with you, like a zombie her, cold, nonchalant etc, remember that it's only possible to love one person at a time, there isn't room in someones heart to have two romantic loves. At the moment for her this is the new guy, she wont truly assess the situation and think about you and your time with her until/if her new relationship ever ends. If it's any consolation if you spend this time improving yourself and making yourself happy she may well realise she made the worst mistake of her life.

[AZtragedy]

AZ - Do you know how you eat an elephant sandwich? One Bite at a time. The same thing is true with you, the situation seems so overwhelming that it is hard to see how you can get over her betrayal. Realize that you are going to ride a roller coaster of emotions, but just like Misadventure told you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that it may not seem like it right now, but you are doing well, considering the situation. Don't waste your life with her attempts to ease her conscience. If she was truly sorry for what she had done, she would have ditched the OM and asking your forgiveness and trying to repair your relationship. Instead she trying to get you to believe she has no choice. Don't let her lay that crap on you. You have been dealt a bad blow that has knocked you off your feet. Time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and start living a new and better life. There is a Brave New World out there.

 

Thank you for writing this - it is what I needed to read today. It does feel like she is trying to ease her conscience by getting me to believe she had no choice, or at the least, the choice had to be made without talking to me AT ALL first.....

 

I am trying to go one day at a time, and most of the time, one hour at a time. This is such a difficult thing to do. Honestly, I am struggling to get through each and every day...I hope you are right, that there are better times ahead. It is so hard to see it right now.

[AZtragedy]

 

Anyway OP im sorry for your loss, the best you can do is take the proper time to heal and to work on and focus on yourself. You can still be happy again with someone else so it's important to remember that.

 

 

I appreciate your replies and insight.....it honestly never ever occurred to me during or after my wife lost weight that she would change either who she is, or how her life would be led. Now, she is definitely trying to be someone else, or I think, something she is not - which is a selfish, calculating person who will hurt anyone who gets in their way.

 

I am trying to remember that nothing is forever, good or bad....also that maybe someday someone else better will come along. Right now, it is hard to see anything at all, other than my own anguish.

[beach]

You are handing her too much of YOUR power.

 

Have you started reading yet? Read CODependent No More!

 

The basis of your happiness is TOO dependent on her!

 

YOU need to CHANGE that FOR YOURSELF!

 

 

You CAN change YOU!

[Steadfast]

How can people become so conniving, cruel and completely different than the way they were for years and decades, in such a short amount of time? This sort of foggy behavior is really distasteful, to say the least....

 

The answer to that is easy; she faked it. The person she is now is the person she always was. Or wanted to be. If she had the chance. She did.

 

Do not assume you can or ever will understand. Because her actions are so unreasonable, straightforward, clear cut answers will forever elude you.

 

Bad things happen to good people. Devotion, love and keeping vows offer no guarantee of return. Obviously, we all know it is possible (with a genuine, devoted partner) but not possible with her.

 

In this way, your wife has done you a great favor indeed. Be extremely thankful no children were included because kids aren't a roadblock to the self-centered cheater. Everyone has to deal with the betrayal and if they don't? They aren't 'loving', are 'bitter' or 'too shallow' to forgive.

 

Be thankful Arizona. Life has given you a very, very rare do over.

 

Strength: Turn away and never look back. No more seeing, or talking, or wondering. It will hurt the deepest but true healing will come quicker and more profoundly. Do you love her? Really? Prove it. Do you love you? If so, stop placing the burden of your happiness on another person. Give her what she wants and leave her alone. It's the only way she'll learn.

 

Move on.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Steadfast

[dj572]

I have to agree with steadfast you need to move on. It will take some time and you have to do what you feel is best for you. It took over a year and a half for me to cut contact. I wanted to be friends with her but it wasn't possible. She took advantage of me. It took several friends and family members for me to open my eyes and realize what she was doing. It wasn't easy but I know I am better off now. I still have moments when something or someone brings up an old memory and the pain comes back but it isn't as bad as it used to be and it doesn't drag me down like it used to. I know you can't just shrug your shoulders and all the pain go away it will take time but you can do it. If you choose no contact it will make things easier but that is up to you but I think you should try it. Good luck to you hang in there.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Omg....I am so very sorry you're going through this. Crushed me to read your story. The support and love that you gave your wife during her weight loss journey is incredible...women wish and dream to find a man half as loving as you were. You deserve true mutual selfless love and your wife, for one reason or another, is not capable of giving that to you. I suspect that sometime down the road after satisfying her needs and exploring life in her new body, she will regret leaving.

 

As others have advised, you need to accept that the relationship is over and move on with your life.

 

You will never fully get the answers you're looking for as to why or how this happened. In the end, the reasons don't matter because it won't change anything. All you can do now is love you and focus on getting yourself back together again. Be selfish, greedy, arrogant if you need to....love yourself and heal.

 

This is the time to focus on becoming a better and stronger man. This is the beginning of a new chapter for you...endless and beautiful possibilities..

 

All the best of luck to you.

Edited November 7, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[AZtragedy]

Thank you so much aybc123, beach, Steadfast, dj572, and seekingpeaceinlove for your insight, thoughts and encouragement....believe me, I am taking all of this to heart and I do appreciate every word.

 

I have started reading codependent no more, I am about 1/3rd into it....I can definitely see how I have become codependent as the years have gone by....I also see many of these same traits in my WW......

[AZtragedy]

Oh boy.......

 

It has been so tough, and the last day or two even tougher. Over the weekend a credit card bill came for my wife (card is in her name only). Today I decided to let her know she has a bill, and some other mail, so I wrote her an email ..... I know so many think I should have no contact, but I have been trying minimal contact lately. This was the first contact we had in about 5-6 days....I swear I was not using the bill as an excuse to get in touch. Anyways, I wrote an email and only said that she has a credit card bill, and that I hoped she is doing well. That was all.

 

She wrote back within 30 mins, and said she will come get it sometime soon, and she asked how I was doing?

 

As I was reading her email, she IM'd me and asked straight off how I was doing....I only said that I am doing my best. Then we had 10 mins or so of friendly small talk and catching up on family, etc. After that, she said she wanted to chat with me to find out how I am doing, and she asked me if I was doing better, worse or the same as the last time I saw her, last week. I told her I am about the same.....then I said I would have to get going and I would talk with her soon sometime.

 

Well, here is where my 'weak' side, or maybe I would say, my human side took over. About 2 hours later, my head was throbbing and pulsing and I felt like I was losing it....I kept thinking about how tragic it is that we will not have a chance to have a child or children together, and it was really bothering me to the point where I had to duck into the restroom (I was at work) and quietly cry for a few minutes....

 

So, I felt I had to get something off my chest to her....I wrote her a short email that said the thought that we would not have a child or children together, or even the opportunity to try, was tearing me apart. I told her I don't know how I am going to be able to live the rest of my life with these thoughts.

 

She wrote back and said she was sorry I am having a hard time, but that it was good to talk about this rather than to let it eat me alive. She said she assumed we never had kids because of a miscommunication years ago, when she concluded I was not interested in children, and said for many years she made peace with that. She did not know until recently that I did want children, when I told her (shortly after she said our marriage was through, in her eyes) she was very surprised, or in her words, 'taken aback'.

 

I wrote back and said I did want children, and I wish we had not had this sort of miscommunication or lack thereof. I told her why I had not brought it up in so many years, mainly due to the fact that for the first 3-4 years of our marriage I wanted the time just for ourselves, since we had waited so long to get married (10 years). Then we bought our "dream house" and renovated it, and actually just finished with the house projects exactly one month before she told me she didn't think we should be married any more. I told her that I was going to bring it up, and that I thought we had all the time in the world to work on this and anything else we ever wanted or dreamed of, because I never ever ever thought she would leave me, or that she would not even say one word about leaving or being upset or anything else at all.......

 

I would like to quote parts of what she wrote back:

 

"Thanks for writing again and giving more insight into this. I'm glad you still feel comfortable enough with me to share your real feelings on things.

 

Again, I would like to reiterate that I am so sorry that you are in so much pain; I truly, truly wish you weren't and, selfishly perhaps, that I wasn't the cause of it.

 

Maybe it's the natural consequence of being together so long, but it's frustrating that two people who could seemingly discuss most any topic could not openly discuss such important things in their relationship, and believe me when I say that I fully accept responsibility for my part in this. I would never deny that we were close, yet when I look at all the things that we never really talked about, especially when it came to important, critical decisions about US, it makes me very, very sad.

Perhaps we will never fully understand how and why things turned out the way that they did. I am hopeful that the discussions we are having now will offer us some insight into how things happened the way that they did and not just act as a source of pain, but I guess only time will tell.

Again, I'm sorry. Very, very sorry.

 

Please take care of yourself."

 

 

(big sigh)........

 

I wrote a very short email back to her that said thank you for writing back and sharing her thoughts, and I said I do love you....and that was all....

 

perhaps this whole episode today was a terrible mistake or something, I don't know. I suppose I am weak because I cannot deploy NC...I cannot resist the need to tell her when things are making me crazy....she asked how I was doing, and at first I tried to be 'strong' and tell her I was doing my best and that was all....she asked again in more detail, and I suppose it got my head going round and round.

 

She truly does have power over me, and I guess I am a fool, because I am able to see her point of view on things, to a certain degree. She has not ever apologized for having an affair and getting involved with this other guy, even though she is still married to me....she apologizes that I am hurting and says she is sorry that she is the cause of all my pain. I know I should not let her justify herself to me, and try to get me to buy all the justifications that she has built up....I think to a certain degree, she has been successful in this.

 

I also know people here will want me to cut off all contact immediately and go 100% NC.......I just do not think I can do it. What about some sort of minimal contact? I just hurt all the time....this pit is so deep and so awful.

 

Thank you for reading, again...

Edited November 7, 2013 by AZtragedy

[Chi townD]

Good job at easing her guilt. Really GREAT job.... *facepalm*

 

Really dude?!?! If she not interested in kids, why don't you offer to run out and buy some condoms for her and her new boytoy...because you're such a nice doormat for her and him to walk all over.

 

Dude, what part of NC are you not understanding?

 

And don't give me some BS story that you HAD to contact her because of a credit card bill. You could have easily dropped it off at her mothers house and not even have to deal with her!

[AZtragedy]

Good job at easing her guilt. Really GREAT job.... *facepalm*

 

Really dude?!?! If she not interested in kids, why don't you offer to run out and buy some condoms for her and her new boytoy...because you're such a nice doormat for her and him to walk all over.

 

Dude, what part of NC are you not understanding?

 

And don't give me some BS story that you HAD to contact her because of a credit card bill. You could have easily dropped it off at her mothers house and not even have to deal with her!

 

 

I know.......I am not pleased with myself today. It was a horrible new low. This is so hard for me. I know I am whining a lot, too....you are right, though.

[man_in_the_box]

I agree with Chi townD, although in less harsh language. You don't want to be a total doormat right? I know it's brutal - but you've given all your love and patience during the marriage - now it's time for a different approach.

 

It honestly makes me cringe when I read how you just roll over and die. Please, don't do this to yourself - don't let the one that screwed you over so badly also take your dignity away and have the satisfaction that you're still there agonizing over her departure while she's doing some other dweeb.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Everybody said, to not indulge this behavior and what do you do......you jump in with both feet. She is not your friend, buddy or pal, she betrayed you. I know that you love her and it will take time to get over, but feeding this behavior is only exacerbating the problem. She mothers you and pats you on the head like a little boy, as she comforts you. I know you want any contact you can get from her, but this is unhealthy. NO WOMAN was a man that exhibits this kind of needy behavior and I doubt this is the real you.

 

Treat her like an acquaintance an only about legal or financial issues. Have you started the legal process yet? Collect her mail, put it in an envelop and mail it to her, include a note that says you need to file a change of address with the post office. The ride is rough enough as it is, don't pour salt into your own wounds.

[Chi townD]

Look, last night's post from me was a bit harsh...but, after I read your interaction with her got me hot under the collar. I agree, it was EXTREMELY cringy and uncomfortable to read that and it got me spun up that you would throw away all the progress that you've made ONLY to have you go back to square one with the BS that she was throwing back at you.

 

 

Dude, seriously, she did the most BRUTAL thing you can do to a person. You have EVERY right to be angry, you have every right to tell her to f*ck off! You should have let her know you were pissed! You should have let her know that what she did was mean and cruel. You should have let her know that you find what she did disgusting.

 

Seriously dude, back to NC. That's your best bet. Let your lawyer do the talking for you. Gather up her mail and drop it off at her mother and inform her that she needs to change her address. And to be honest with you, I GUARANTEE you that her mother doesn't know the full story. I promise you that.

[AZtragedy]

You are all completely right. What happened yesterday was not only cringe-worthy, it was also foolish and degrading to myself.....

 

This morning, after a good night's sleep (no dreams about her) for the first real time in the 5 weeks since she suddenly left, I woke up angry. I think this is a good sign. Perhaps after reaching rock bottom yesterday, and hurting myself even further, for the first time I feel like what she has done is completely nuts. What she has done to me, IS the worst thing anyone can do to another person....it is torture, it is cruel, and she has murdered our marriage.

 

This "new person" that either she is or is pretending to be is a murderer and a torturer and an evil person. She threw away 16 years of real love and a great life, and then like was said here, treats me like a little boy who lost his goldfish.

 

Finally I am feeling pissed off about this....she is a crazy person who has no regard for what I feel or what this is doing to me. What sort of a person says absolutely nothing about being unhappy, never complains, and never lets on that they are having problems, and then out of nowhere one day after work says they cheated on me and are in love with them and not me, and then suddenly leaves? Someone with BIG problems, that's who....

 

I have to say, this feeling of anger feels much better than the hollowed-out despair I have continually felt for 5 weeks solid.

Edited November 7, 2013 by AZtragedy

[Chi townD]

Dude, your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Just prepare yourself for the ride. Like I said in a lot of posts, keep yourself busy. Join clubs and travel. Get yourself out of the norm. Into new surroundings. Surroundings that won't remind you of her.

 

I hope you already changed the locks on the place? And gather up her mail and get it to her mom's before she has a chance to go over to your place and screw up your head and your day.

[RightThere]

I know.......I am not pleased with myself today. It was a horrible new low. This is so hard for me. I know I am whining a lot, too....you are right, though.

 

Don't sweat it too much. This is all part of the process. You'll have weak moments, you'll post them here, and we'll all tear you a new one.

 

I've been there. It's not a straight road to recovery and you will have weak moments. I still do as well. Just keep learning from them, pick yourself back up, and keep following the path you know is the right one.

[RightThere]

Finally I am feeling pissed off about this....she is a crazy person who has no regard for what I feel or what this is doing to me. What sort of a person says absolutely nothing about being unhappy, never complains, and never lets on that they are having problems, and then out of nowhere one day after work says they cheated on me and are in love with them and not me, and then suddenly leaves? Someone with BIG problems, that's who....

 

Embrace it, but I agree with Chi townD that your emotions will be all over the place for a while. And it's perfectly normal. In a span of 3 days I've been super happy, super angry, super depressed and totally numb.

 

Keep moving forward.

[crederer]

Hey man I can understand wanting to get things off your chest, that is fine and dandy. Just not with her. She's not worthy of your thoughts and feelings at this stage.

 

Speak to friends or family members about it.

[RightThere]

Hey man I can understand wanting to get things off your chest, that is fine and dandy. Just not with her. She's not worthy of your thoughts and feelings at this stage.

 

Speak to friends or family members about it.

 

Agreed. I made the same mistake a few times.

 

She is no longer that trustworthy person you can confide your thoughts, fears, etc. to. She has proven to you that she takes your trust and breaks it.

 

Don't allow her to be your outlet anymore. Deep down she likes to know she still has the control over you, and will use it against you.

[AZtragedy]

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement....you are right, it is only hurting myself to do things like that yesterday. I am definitely all over the place, at work today. I have been fighting the urge to tell her that miscommunication or lack thereof in some cases is NOT a reason to have an affair or abandon me and our relationship; BUT, so far I have been able to fight the drive to write and tell her these things, and do not plan on doing it.....I am trying, I am.....

 

It is tough to feel one thing and then the opposite in a matter of minutes...but I do appreciate all the support and words of wisdom from you all.

[RightThere]

I have been fighting the urge to tell her that miscommunication or lack thereof in some cases is NOT a reason to have an affair or abandon me and our relationship; BUT, so far I have been able to fight the drive to write and tell her these things, and do not plan on doing it.....I am trying, I am.....

 

It is tough to feel one thing and then the opposite in a matter of minutes...but I do appreciate all the support and words of wisdom from you all.

 

Another fatal flaw I have done myself.

 

Reason and logic are not able to penetrate the fog they are in. You can explain to them that grass is green, but they'll look at you like you are crazy and make you think "Well, maybe it's not exactly green."

 

If you need to post it, put it in the Coping section here. There is a sticky to post what you want to say to them, without having to send it to them. Not the same but better than nothing.

 

It's OK to recognize that mis-communication and poor communication caused many of the problems that you are in right now. That doesn't mean "I don't think my husband understands what I want. I'd better go f*#$ this other guy."

 

Don't worry about tomorrow, Just focus on what you need to do today to get through it.

[AZtragedy]

Another fatal flaw I have done myself.

 

Reason and logic are not able to penetrate the fog they are in. You can explain to them that grass is green, but they'll look at you like you are crazy and make you think "Well, maybe it's not exactly green."

 

If you need to post it, put it in the Coping section here. There is a sticky to post what you want to say to them, without having to send it to them. Not the same but better than nothing.

 

It's OK to recognize that mis-communication and poor communication caused many of the problems that you are in right now. That doesn't mean "I don't think my husband understands what I want. I'd better go f*#$ this other guy."

 

Don't worry about tomorrow, Just focus on what you need to do today to get through it.

 

 

This is a really great post - thank you for putting things this way....

 

She is way in a fog alright - every time I have talked with her this past month, when the subject got too close to what she was uncomfortable with, it was all zombie-type fog. She is only believing what she wants to right now....it is very hard to accept, but it is the case.

 

You are also right that even though communication could/should have been better about some things, that in no way is any excuse to give up, find some other guy to screw around with, "fall in love", and move out, case closed, no chance to work it out......sometimes I think a good comparison is when you get a big cut on your hand, and it bleeds for awhile. Does that mean the whole hand should be cut off? Ugh.....

 

I am definitely trying one hour at a time, one day at a time, at best.