Wife loses weight, then leaves

[Steadfast]

Good. Hopefully now, you realize the futility of talking to her about reconciling the relationship and working on the marriage. Hopefully, you now know that by repeatedly telling her how much you love her that you expose yourself to rejection over and over again. Your self esteem takes a beating.

 

Nothing but time and understanding will remove the ache. The critical step now is knowing what you want; how you want to feel, and what you'd like to accomplish. You must know what you want before you can reach for it.

 

Like many (myself included) the urge to replace her with another will arrive soon. Fight this by focusing on all relationships; not just romantic ones. Work through the legal process on this until it is finished and allow yourself time to mourn properly. The first steps are the hardest, but you must move forward. One day at a time AZ. Do what needs to be done.

[RightThere]

Sorry guys, but IMO there was no 'deep, dark thing' that she was struggling with alone...for months. That is classic cheater talk to keep you from determining that she acted on her lusts and desires. This blame shifting is common and one of the reasons why it all seems so odd, out of place and sudden.

 

That isn't to say she wasn't thinking about it for a long time though. Cheaters -especially female cheaters- hate being labeled a slut because that is the overwhelming emotional guilt they are struggling with. Much better to lay upon the betrayed hubby a tale of long-suffering grief that ended in her taking drastic measures to protect her sanity. Don't buy it.

 

Maybe that is true, but maybe it's not. None of us can actually know for sure on that. The only reason I don't like to think this is because it will prevent the BS from looking at themselves and growing/learning from their own mistakes in the relationship.

 

But I think we agree on the end result, so the process to get their is irrelevant.

[AZtragedy]

 

Like many (myself included) the urge to replace her with another will arrive soon. Fight this by focusing on all relationships; not just romantic ones. Work through the legal process on this until it is finished and allow yourself time to mourn properly. The first steps are the hardest, but you must move forward. One day at a time AZ. Do what needs to be done.

 

 

Yes, I have to admit that already I am occasionally getting the urge to find someone else, to move on to a new frontier that will be better than how things turned out for me......BUT, like you said, my heart and my head both tell me to let this run its natural course before attempting to find someone new. I know that I am not ready to start a new romantic relationship at this time - I can readily admit that I am not over my wife, and even still feel 'in love' with her, despite everything she has done to me.

 

Also, a part of me feels jealous of her, that she so quickly moved from me to someone else, with no break whatsoever between the two. This has also damaged my self-confidence, even though I should not let it.....I do need time to work through these horrible feelings, and like you said, these first steps are so very hard.

 

Right now, I believe the right thing to do is wait out the legal process, which will likely conclude sometime in January (if my wife actually files). I want to use this time to mourn, grieve, reflect, and work on myself and restoring my self-confidence so I can be ready to face the world again in early 2014. I don't like stereotypes, but I am a lover not a fighter or anything else....I hope that I will find love again, when it is right.

[RightThere]

Yes, I have to admit that already I am occasionally getting the urge to find someone else, to move on to a new frontier that will be better than how things turned out for me......BUT, like you said, my heart and my head both tell me to let this run its natural course before attempting to find someone new. I know that I am not ready to start a new romantic relationship at this time - I can readily admit that I am not over my wife, and even still feel 'in love' with her, despite everything she has done to me.

 

You know what, it's OK that you do. Deep down I know that I feel the same way. I still haven't come to terms with differentiating between loving what I thought I had, and loving what is in front of me.

 

Also, a part of me feels jealous of her, that she so quickly moved from me to someone else, with no break whatsoever between the two. This has also damaged my self-confidence, even though I should not let it.....I do need time to work through these horrible feelings, and like you said, these first steps are so very hard.

 

And this is why I think you are struggling with the timeline you think happened. You figure it was only a couple of months you and her drifted apart. I'm telling you it was much longer than that. Because she had checked out of the relationship (but neglected to tell you) makes it much easier for her to move on because in her head, you were already separated. My STBXW was checked out fully for almost a year, and I was oblivious to that fact.

[AZtragedy]

You know what, it's OK that you do. Deep down I know that I feel the same way. I still haven't come to terms with differentiating between loving what I thought I had, and loving what is in front of me.

 

 

 

And this is why I think you are struggling with the timeline you think happened. You figure it was only a couple of months you and her drifted apart. I'm telling you it was much longer than that. Because she had checked out of the relationship (but neglected to tell you) makes it much easier for her to move on because in her head, you were already separated. My STBXW was checked out fully for almost a year, and I was oblivious to that fact.

 

 

Very good point about differentiating between loving what you thought you had, and what is there now, in front of you.....same with me, for sure. I still feel so much love for the 'old her', and this 'new her' is a really strange, twisted person who is like an empty shell of her former self. I am trying to use that image in order to feel some anger about this, which is still so hard for me. I am trying to remind myself of how cruel she has been and is being to me, by cheating, lying and running away for someone else....it should make me angry and not just sad.

 

As for the timeline, I suppose I should not think about it anymore....she has told me that there is no single time that she changed. I know for a fact it was not all that long, but she had a head-start on checking out of the marriage because she allowed herself to get emotionally involved with her co-worker over a period of a few months. Then, when she allowed temptation to take over and the PA began, it was all over for us, just like that. Sometimes I think, what enabled her to get started in an emotional affair in the first place? well, her new self-image as a 'different person' after losing weight has given her license (she feels) to do whatever the hell she wants, regardless of how it affects everyone else. She now feels she is entitled to explore different aspects of life and acquire more "experience", and "wipe the slate clean" and all these delusions that 39 year olds should know better than to get caught up in.......I assume this coworker of hers was telling her everything she wanted to hear, being sympathetic to how no one understands her now that she is not fat, how unappreciated she is, all that bulls**t......and it worked. he manipulated her, played along with her reaching out for attention and admiration......she allowed it, encouraged it, and fell straight into it.

 

Since she was susceptible to temptation following her weight loss, all of this is on HER for allowing everything to spiral out of control. Now that it is out of control, she can easily come up with all sorts of rationalizations, justifications, and "reasons" for her reprehensible behavior. And, she can believe it too, because she has moved on to someone else and does not have to live with the daily misery that I have felt each and every day.

 

One of her big rationalizations now is that "sometimes relationships change"....well, that is just a pathetic cop-out. This relationship "changed" because she brought in a 3rd party to our marriage....my wife and I were not dating, or just "in a relationship", we were in the most serious commitment two people can make! Also, it did not just "change" by itself, it took her consciously choosing not to tell me she was changing or feeling certain things, and she chose to confide in and get close to someone else rather than allow me to fully contribute to the marriage, here in the last several months. It ticks me off to think that she can tell herself these things to convince herself that it all "just happened" or "things changed", and then try to convince me that is how it happened, too....well thanks, but reality is not a one-way street. And one of the most twisted aspects is, as we have discussed before, is that while we are talking or chatting or whatnot, she can get me to (at least partially) buy what she is telling me, to a certain degree.....getting me to question reality itself, due to her manipulation of things. Then, later, I think to myself - "that is just plain crazy!" and "she has really bought into her own delusions"......I should feel anger and even pity for her, but instead I get stuck in sorrow......ugh.

 

RightThere - sorry for the rant....it was not directed at you or what you said...I suppose I needed to get this off my chest today. Thank you for reading.

Edited November 12, 2013 by AZtragedy

[RightThere]

RightThere - sorry for the rant....it was not directed at you or what you said...I suppose I needed to get this off my chest today. Thank you for reading.

 

Don't every apologize. I've found this place it the best therapy for going through this hell.

 

I'm glad to see that you are strong and don't allow yourself to be blamed for the affair. That is good and know that she made a choice to have this affair.

 

But don't close yourself off too much from some self discovery. I feel that despite all the awful things that these affairs and divorce bring, I have to take some valuable lessons from them and come out much better and smarter about relationships. I'm constantly looking at events during my relationship that should have gone differently. I don't know if it would have changed the end result, but I have to believe that some of the things I did wrong should not have happened knowing what I know now.

 

Keep posting.

[AZtragedy]

Don't every apologize. I've found this place it the best therapy for going through this hell.

 

I'm glad to see that you are strong and don't allow yourself to be blamed for the affair. That is good and know that she made a choice to have this affair.

 

But don't close yourself off too much from some self discovery. I feel that despite all the awful things that these affairs and divorce bring, I have to take some valuable lessons from them and come out much better and smarter about relationships. I'm constantly looking at events during my relationship that should have gone differently. I don't know if it would have changed the end result, but I have to believe that some of the things I did wrong should not have happened knowing what I know now.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

This is a great place to get support, advice, insight and also to rant and rave and let it all out....I definitely need that, especially today...

 

For myself, I am definitely trying to understand myself better in the sense that I need to be more communicative when it comes to being on the exact same page with another person....I can see now that for I thought we were on the same page, but in reality the page was turning. It is certainly not my fault that communication broke down or whatever, but from my side of the marriage I should have been talking with my wife more about how she was feeling - trying to find out if she really was ok, instead of just assuming everything was ok because she was not complaining or acting any differently..... She did not offer me the opportunity to find out, and that is her problem. But, I know now that I need to be more proactive about these sorts of things. Whenever it is that I meet another special person in my life, I am going to use this experience to be even better than before.

[dumped2013]

Hey AZ ,

Have a good night and love on your cat . That's what I'm doing . Have not even thought about the exw. Worked out, leftover frozen pizza , history channel, and my little cat . Make your kitty your little buddy. Good night dude

[AZtragedy]

Hey AZ ,

Have a good night and love on your cat . That's what I'm doing . Have not even thought about the exw. Worked out, leftover frozen pizza , history channel, and my little cat . Make your kitty your little buddy. Good night dude

 

 

Thank you so much! Glad to hear your mind is clear tonight....my little cat is definitely my buddy, alright. you have a good night, too.

[Steadfast]

Maybe that is true, but maybe it's not. None of us can actually know for sure on that. The only reason I don't like to think this is because it will prevent the BS from looking at themselves and growing/learning from their own mistakes in the relationship.

 

Not sure how you came to that conclusion. It's easy to find and pinpoint a partner's flaws as justification for cheating. It doesn't matter how kind or loving you are. In fact, kindness (which is often mistaken as weakness) is held against husbands almost as often as unkind acts.

 

There is nothing wrong with working to better yourself, but placing blame for cheating on anyone other than the cheating spouse helps no one. Some spouses do feel they 'deserve' it. Others are convinced of it.

 

Experience teaches there is nothing you can do to prevent someone from cheating or betraying you. A solid marriage reflects the desires of two like-minded, committed individuals. Marriage does not make people strong or faithful, faithful, strong people makes good marriages. That's the key.

Edited November 13, 2013 by Steadfast

[AZtragedy]

 

There is nothing wrong with working to better yourself, but placing blame for cheating on anyone other than the cheating spouse helps no one. Some spouses do feel they 'deserve' it. Others are convinced of it.

 

 

 

Correct. My wife has been telling me all sorts of things that may or may not have much truth to them in order to get me to see that this was a "perfect storm" of things that have ruined the marriage, rather than just saying that she is responsible for it.

 

I know she feels guilty about pretty much everything that has happened, and thanks to so many of you, I can see that she is trying to get some relief from this guilt by spreading it around to me (at first I was unable to see that this is what she was doing, and doing it well)......and, like it says above, she has been partially successful in getting me to question my sanity and remembrance of the history of our relationship, going back 16 years.

 

I really should be angry at her about this, but instead I still keep feeling sorrow and depression. I wish I could get angry - the change of feeling would be a welcome relief from this dark cloud over my head. Maybe it will happen yet. I hope so.

Edited November 13, 2013 by AZtragedy

[AZtragedy]

Need to vent some despair tonight....

 

I don't know if it is because it is now exactly six weeks since my wife told me that she does not want to be married anymore, but today has been one of the worst days yet. Had two dreams about her last night, and woke up completely shattered - all the memories and thoughts all came into my head at once. Terrible way to start the day.

 

Could not focus at work at all today...the hours dragged on and on, and I had to confront them one at a time to keep any degree of sanity. Felt like the walking dead all day.

 

What she has done to me feels so terrible...I did not think I would ever experience the sort of things I am going through now. The deepest sadness, sorrow, despair, and hopelessness intermixed with occasional feelings of anger, jealousy, and righteous indignation.

 

How can someone who loved you for so long do something so cruel and heartless? How can 16 years of love, caring, support, and friendship lead up to such a sick, twisted turn of events?

 

I know that I should stop thinking about the "whys", because it solves nothing. But I am unable to stop feeling these intense emotions that sometimes border on the unbearable...

 

I myself could never treat another human being the way my wife has treated me....cheating, lying, deceiving, and then choosing to abandon me in favor of this jerk she cheated with. Moving in with him right after leaving me. All the memories, great times, and TIME - so much time - spent together over all the years....and she can just walk away.

 

This hurts so badly....I never wanted any of this. I want to reconcile. I want to work everything out. I am willing to do what it takes to at least TRY to make it work.

 

She has not come back. It is pretty clear her mind is made up. It would take an incredible miracle to change things now.

 

Oh, I hate this so much. I wish that she knew just how much this has devastated me. What a horrible day.

[dumped2013]

You ok tonight AZ? Made a fire and my cat would rather be laying in front of that then up in bed with me. Just checking on you. Good night

[dumped2013]

Dude, you need to move on. When I have broke NC it has set me back. My only Breaking the NC has been texts. I have not talked to her or heard her voice since Sept 29th. I don't know if my ex has someone or not . I don't want to know. Quit killing yourself over it. 2 nights for me with a pretty clear mind. Talk soon

[RightThere]

It may take some time, but I'm telling you that you'll eventually find switch and you'll start moving forward for yourself, instead of struggling with the past.

 

Keep posting as I know your pain. It helps to know that you're not alone going through it.

[AZtragedy]

You ok tonight AZ? Made a fire and my cat would rather be laying in front of that then up in bed with me. Just checking on you. Good night

 

Thank you for checking on me - I appreciate your thoughts and your concern

 

Today was just awful....I just did some weight lifting for almost an hour, and at least I feel slightly less out of control now. When I got home from work and posted here, I was just about on the edge of insanity.

 

Glad to hear you are having 2 pretty decent nights in a row - I hope to be at that point soon. Say goodnight to your cat and I will do the same in a little while....take care and thanks again.

[AZtragedy]

It may take some time, but I'm telling you that you'll eventually find switch and you'll start moving forward for yourself, instead of struggling with the past.

 

Keep posting as I know your pain. It helps to know that you're not alone going through it.

 

 

I appreciate you saying this - it does help to know that there are others in my position, too, such as yourself and many others who post here...I really do appreciate the support and help.

 

I do hope that soon I can move past this gut-wrenching phase of being stuck in my memories and dwelling on what I have lost....I think I said this before, but so much of the time now I do not feel like "myself". I also know that I could be in a "worse" situation like starving to death, or living in some gulag or something....but mental and emotional torture like this is pretty close to hell.

[RightThere]

I think I said this before, but so much of the time now I do not feel like "myself".

 

Totally normal. This person was a piece of you, a part of your life, and they've been ripped out of it so you will feel incomplete and a shadow of your former self.

 

But just keep focusing on yourself and seeing that you are going to be OK on your own. You'll miss what you thought you had, but each day you'll come to realize a bit more what a sham it actually was. And the old "myself" was duped into thinking that is who you really were.

[dumped2013]

Life is great AZ. We just have to be happy living it. We will all find it . I am actually learning to like being by myself. Try the Zachafrsns (sp) microwave dinners. They rock. I forgot I'm not by myself, I have my kitty here . It's all going to be good dude

[AZtragedy]

Life is great AZ. We just have to be happy living it. We will all find it . I am actually learning to like being by myself. Try the Zachafrsns (sp) microwave dinners. They rock. I forgot I'm not by myself, I have my kitty here . It's all going to be good dude

 

Thank you for your kind words and your recommendation, too!

 

Yeah, me and the cat are hanging out tonight, trying to relax a little bit...

 

I had another tough day today...I just keep thinking of everything my wife and I have been through and experienced...it is still so hard to think that she would change so much and then just leave me for this other guy....it hurts a lot.

 

But I do appreciate your encouragement - I do hope that things are going to be better, sometime. Have a good night and take care.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

It sounds like you are still struggling with the acceptance of the end of your marriage and relationship. Have you had a chance to go online and look up Spiritual Practices, letting go and acceptance? If not, try that with your situation in mind.

You can try a mantra like "I am a valuable loving person who deserves a loyal, faithful and loving woman to love." When you start to believe those things about yourself, you let go of the woman who was disloyal, unfaithful and finicky because you understand that you deserve more than she was willing to give you.

In support, AZ, you are going to be fine,

Grumps

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

It sounds like you are still struggling with the acceptance of the end of your marriage and relationship. Have you had a chance to go online and look up Spiritual Practices, letting go and acceptance? If not, try that with your situation in mind.

You can try a mantra like "I am a valuable loving person who deserves a loyal, faithful and loving woman to love." When you start to believe those things about yourself, you let go of the woman who was disloyal, unfaithful and finicky because you understand that you deserve more than she was willing to give you.

In support, AZ, you are going to be fine,

Grumps

 

 

I am definitely having difficulty accepting all of what has happened....most of the time, I feel like I am on an episode of the "Twilight Zone". Except, this episode never ends....

 

I did look up some Buddhist acceptance and letting go practices and insight online....and you are right, they are very insightful and profound, and I did feel a bit better while reading them....my problem is that I then let all the dark thoughts and everything back in a little while after reading and thinking about these things.

 

Your idea for a mantra is a very good one....I will take your advice and try to start each day by thinking that I do deserve someone who is as loyal, faithful and loving as I am....I will also try to repeat this sort of thing to myself during the day as I am wrestling with these painful emotions.

 

I really do appreciate your support and advice.

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

My best friend from childhood lost his wife in an almost correlating way as you. She had lap band and totally left him and their two kids after 15 years of marriage. I spent many nights with him at 1, 2, 3 am because he couldn't believe that she would leave him and their children. She also shacked up with some guy at work. Well, after a few months of this one day he woke up sooo angry. He called me and was amazed that he had let her treat him like that and accepted so much from her. I told him as many here have told you, You are in shock still, when that lifts you go into a fog, and then one day you accept that it is over and she is not the girl you married.

 

He got angry, went to a counselor for a few months about twice a month I think. He accepted, forgave himself for being her doormat, and focused on being a better man for himself and his kids. Now he is married again to a lovely woman who treats him the way he should have always been treated. He moved on and now he hardly ever thinks about his ex.

 

 

You get one life. Don't live it focused on someone who didn't even care enough to fight for you and your marriage. Don't spend it focusing on someone who would rather throw you under the bus and act like your divorce is your fault instead of admitting that they are immature and selfish.

Chin up,

Grumps

[AZtragedy]

AZ:

My best friend from childhood lost his wife in an almost correlating way as you. She had lap band and totally left him and their two kids after 15 years of marriage. I spent many nights with him at 1, 2, 3 am because he couldn't believe that she would leave him and their children. She also shacked up with some guy at work. Well, after a few months of this one day he woke up sooo angry. He called me and was amazed that he had let her treat him like that and accepted so much from her. I told him as many here have told you, You are in shock still, when that lifts you go into a fog, and then one day you accept that it is over and she is not the girl you married.

 

He got angry, went to a counselor for a few months about twice a month I think. He accepted, forgave himself for being her doormat, and focused on being a better man for himself and his kids. Now he is married again to a lovely woman who treats him the way he should have always been treated. He moved on and now he hardly ever thinks about his ex.

 

 

You get one life. Don't live it focused on someone who didn't even care enough to fight for you and your marriage. Don't spend it focusing on someone who would rather throw you under the bus and act like your divorce is your fault instead of admitting that they are immature and selfish.

Chin up,

Grumps

 

wow - that is very similar to what I am going through, except no kids to worry about, too....I am glad it sounds like he has a better life than he did before. I am hoping for that myself, so very much.

 

She certainly did throw me under the bus (that she was driving) and she is so lost in her own fantasy land to see how her selfishness and immaturity hurts everyone around her, as well as herself. I have to recognize in myself that I do deserve better than this, and that I will again be a whole person. I do need to practice letting go and acceptance, and I am going to keep at it, and try to think more about that when my thoughts are out of control and messy.

 

Thank you again for the insight and concern - your stories, advice, and input are a big help to me, even though I still get on here and cry and carry on....

[Grumpybutfun]

AZ:

Crying and carrying on and sharing experiences and stories is what this place is for, I believe. I read your thread and one thing I kept thinking was...at least he can see that some really, really nice people have had similar stories of their spouses leaving them. It isn't you, it really is her.

Do you have a plan in place for Christmas yet? Planning is good!

Grumps