Are you happy? How do you define happiness?

[Thinkalot]

My psychologist asked me the other day if I was depressed. I said I didn't think so. He asked if I was happy. That was a hard one to answer. I have lots to be happy about. Rationally I know that. But that's different to simply BEING happy.

 

I have realised I have moments of true happiness. But they are far too dependent usually on outside sources. I need to find internal happiness, which exists even when others close to me, are not happy, for example. I also need to lessen my obsessive thinking/worry/anxiety. because that makes pure happiness hard to achieve. That is going to be difficult, but is a worthwhile goal!

 

I have been asked to monitor my moods. They go up and down, in relation to events in my life, and the actions of those around me. Natural I guess, but another sign those things have too much bearing.

 

As for what happiness is: to me, it's being free of worry and anxiety and obsessive thoughts (hey, I suffer OCD!). It's being content, and pleased with yourself and your life, and what lies before you. It's being comfortable in your own skin, being confident and knowing what you want. More specifically for me, it is also having others to share your emotions and experiences with, to love, and to love you. It's inner peace. Good health and financial security also make happiness easier to achieve, as does a rich spiritual life.

 

So, are you happy? And what is happiness to you?

 

The higher your expectations of life, the harder it is to be happy. That's part of my problem. Expecting too much, and then getting dissapointed. I need to start seeing the glass as half full...then contentment/happiness will be easier to find.

[LucreziaBorgia]

For me happiness = when you start seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty. Happiness doesn't lie in what you have, or what you don't have - it lies in how you perceive those things.

 

I started seeing the glass as half full when I came to terms with trauma in my childhood, when I began to be honest with myself about my limitations and expectations (and fully accepted them), and when I began to focus on the 'now' and enjoy that instead of fret about the 'then', the 'what should have been', the 'what it should be', or 'what it should be in the future'. Once I came to peace with myself, then and only then did I begin to find a happiness and joy in life. It wasn't that happiness and joy just "showed up" - the potential for it was there all along, I just had to reach a point to realize that.

 

I'm not like Ren with a perma "Happy Helmet" (sorry, had to work that Ren & Stimpy reference in there... heh), but for the most part I am content, happy, and secure with myself. It was a long and very dark, ugly road getting here, but I managed it ok.

[meanon]

Hi, Thinkalot. I just read your other thread. I'm glad the trip to the psychologist went well

 

For me happiness is an internal thing, there are external sources too but the basic, what makes me who I am happiness is internal. I've taken it for granted for most of my life, even when times were difficult they never really shook my internal perceptions. Once it started flickering, I felt it's absence for the first time and began to really appreciate what it is for me. I'm sure it varies from person to person.

 

Like you, at the moment I have spells of happiness but they are very much linked to external events. I've found this very unsettling, sort of like a rollercoaster ride. Recently, I've been able to resolve some of the things that are bothering me and, while I'm still blown off course every now and then, I'm finding it easier to tap into my internal sources of happiness.

 

To me it's less about specific things (being free of worry, being loved - although these are important too). These are still achievements, rather than feelings. It's more basic, it's being able to find pleasure in the everyday and a confidence from knowing that I have it within my means to continue to find happiness and joy in life. Unfortunately, when I am unhappy, it's the external sources I miss most. They seem like quick and easy solutions that will restore happiness to me. They are effective, but as they are transient and, to a large extent, outside of my control, they mask the feelings of unhappiness rather than addressing the cause.

 

In my position, planning positive changes in my life which address the causes of my unhappiness have made the difference, as have endless discussions about what my future will be like (to make it real/believable/manageable). I hope the same will be true of you, that by addressing the underpinning causal factors the OCD will come more within your control. I talked to you a while ago about how OCD often seems to be linked to another condition, leading to speculation that it's a response to another problem, a form of coping strategy.

 

The type of therapy you are receiving now is the best, in my view, in that it combines really practical ideas for changing behaviour with an attempt to address cause. If I were you, Thinkalot, I'd start with your expectations and appreciation of yourself.

[Matilda]

It's being content, and pleased with yourself and your life, and what lies before you. It's being comfortable in your own skin, being confident and knowing what you want. More specifically for me, it is also having others to share your emotions and experiences with, to love, and to love you. It's inner peace.

 

I agree with all of those things. I think it is also accepting, truly accepting, the hand that life has dealt you. Striving to improve what you can, but not letting it destroy you when you can't quite get there.

[sinkerswim]

Hi thinkalot....Ive been on here quite awhile and I know you are just like me when it comes to obssessive thinking. I have OCD and AGAIN it got me into trouble so to speak with a guy Ive been talking to online and the phone since Sept... and we hit it off immediately and had a special connection... unfortunately my OCD kicked in big time and i drove him away... we are still friends...but i feel terribly sad over all of this. Very sad as I really wanted to meet him.

 

I was in an 8 year relationship with my fiance that ended last February and it was the most devastating time in my life. I am still trying to rebuild my life.

I found happiness again in this new guy and now because of me being so freaking Obssessive... its gone. I can just scream.

Im frustrated as hell.

 

Maybe you and I can talk sometime.

[Pocky]

I smile every day. I laugh every day. I'm happy.

[moimeme]

It's being content, and pleased with yourself and your life, and what lies before you. It's being comfortable in your own skin, being confident and knowing what you want. More specifically for me, it is also having others to share your emotions and experiences with, to love, and to love you. It's inner peace. Good health and financial security also make happiness easier to achieve, as does a rich spiritual life.

 

Zowie, Thinkalot! That's an awful lot of conditions!!! Meanon's got it spot on when she says those things are achievements. And people make the mistake of thinking 'I will be happy when I have X, Y and Z'. Nope. You can be happy right this moment and forever.

 

Am I happy? You bet! I'm a very happy human and have been so as long as I remember. I've had bouts of being depressed, but I don't even remember being sad then as much as I was lacking in energy. In the midst of the last relationship, I was certainly having difficulties, but I never lost the ability to find the joys. They just came along a little less rapidly some days.

 

The higher your expectations of life, the harder it is to be happy.

 

More like the more conditions you put on happiness, the harder it is to be happy. The secret, IMHO, is, like meanon said, to find pleasure in the everyday.

 

I'm happy because first of all I'm awake and healthy and today may bring any number of wonders. But I'm not expecting them and if they don't happen that's perfectly fine. My breakfast was yummy. I eat pretty much the same thing every day because it's fast - but the amazing thing about being human is that one can enjoy the same food over and over again.

 

There will be something beautiful to look at on my way to work - even if it's just the teeny pink blossoms on the tree by the bus stop. I'm going to work with pleasant people and at breaks I'll likely have a few laughs with the guys. I'm looking forward to my lunch which is equally fast and simple but also tasty. I'm not engaged in a fabulous career, but I'm good at what I do and I'll get some stuff accomplished at work and that will please me. And then, if the weather's good, I'll have a nice walk home. Maybe the mountains will be out in all their splendour or maybe there'll be a nice sunset. And, doubtless, I'll learn something today.

 

There's nothing special nor extraordinary in any of that. And I could be unhappy for a dozen reasons. My job isn't the greatest, my place is far too small and quite cramped, and my life isn't the way I'd like it to be - but none of those things are any reason not to enjoy the life I have and every day that comes to me. I know it won't be this way forever and I'm extremely good at making do until things change. I'm almost too much so LOL precisely because I am happy despite my situation. I could quite easily be happy this way until the end of my days so I've had to hold out some carrots to myself like my desire to travel more and to have more living space - but until I manage them, I'm still happy.

 

Because many of my plans got blown to smithereens, my coping mechanism has been to let them go. I quit having expectations because so many were disappointed. And I found peace of mind instead. Buddhism teaches that happiness comes when you eliminate all desires. I still have a few but I really see how that works. Now everything that happens is bonus on top of my existing happiness.

[Thinkalot]

I guess, I agree with what you are all saying, and was trying to express, rather clumsily perhaps, that I understand that to be happy, I need to find it within. To accept myself, and find beauty in small things, without expecting too much.

 

The other things I listed, were things which make it EASIER to feel happy. I see that they are achievements though.

 

For me the not worrying and being anxious will happen when I can find that inner peace and acceptance. Therefore achieving less anxiety, is certainly part of my road to achieving inner peace, and therefore happiness, if that makes sense.

 

Merry, I have told you before, I hope to achieve a life view similar to yours. It seems a lot healthier and brighter than mine often is!

[meanon]

Sometimes it's the language itself that's too clumsy. It's certainly not you, Thinkalot. You're too good a journalist for that .

 

You can be unhappy, without being depressed. You can be secure and content with yourself and your lot in life, without being happy. Expectations and achievements are important. They do bring real happiness and fullfillment. It's just that they can't replace the inner sense of well being which is more fundamental.

[Anais]

So, are you happy? And what is happiness to you?

 

 

I am a happy person too. Have been like that from childhood. I remember in elementary school teacher told my mom I am extraordinary happy child. My family had lots of problems and I have been growing facing lots of difficulties but I knew to enjoy small things.

 

Many think I never had problems or I don’t have them now since I joke and smile all the time. I always think about what I have that I could not have. I am blessed as I can see, I can read, I can hug my daughter, who is sick today. I look on suspicious red pimple I got today on my breast and know that we are one step away from bigger troubles than we have today.

 

Everyone who is a mom knows the happiness of seeing your child growing. I was at doctor’s office today and was observing moms with sick kids. I could see happiness in their eyes every time they look at their babies.

 

Imagining life without faith in God I see it empty and sad.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I began to focus on the 'now' and enjoy that instead of fret about the 'then', the 'what should have been', the 'what it should be', or 'what it should be in the future'. Once I came to peace with myself, then and only then did I begin to find a happiness and joy in life. It wasn't that happiness and joy just "showed up" - the potential for it was there all along, I just had to reach a point to realize that.

 

 

You say that well- That is what I am trying to do now. I have much potential for happiness I realise.

 

Meanon...you also express the rollercoaster feeling well, which can come from relying on things outside yourself.

 

I think you've described it well, when you speak about contentment, and a fundamental sense of things being OK, and seeing the good...or that inner sense of 'well being'.

 

Goals and achievements can bring a greater sense of achievement, and lift your feelings beyond a basic contentment/happiness, to something stronger, even if only for a time.

 

sinkerswim...sorry you are still having a hard time of it with your thoughts. Can you see a counsellor about this? I know how hard it can be.

[moimeme]

Merry, I have told you before, I hope to achieve a life view similar to yours. It seems a lot healthier and brighter than mine often is!

 

If you saw me squashed into my cramped little spot you might think differently LOL. Plus remember, you actually have family. I think part of it is a blessing, though, Thinkalot. I really do. I think some of us are lucky to be blessed without physical or mental ailments. You have an uphill battle because the knob in your noggin was set to 'anxiety' and you have to fight against that. I'm grateful for that gift every day because - well, just look at LS and you see how many people have it much harder.

 

I forgot to add this morning that another of the things which has me looking only at the full part of the glass is that I know the glass could shatter and there could be nothing to look at any day. Life is terribly fragile, so I want to enjoy every day I have in case I suddenly end up with fewer days for some reason. I don't want to have wasted perfectly good time longing for other things because this might be the only time I have.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

I forgot to add this morning that another of the things which has me looking only at the full part of the glass is that I know the glass could shatter and there could be nothing to look at any day. Life is terribly fragile, so I want to enjoy every day I have in case I suddenly end up with fewer days for some reason.

 

That is a really good point. I go through stages, where I do succeed in looking at the glass as half full. Then I seem to lapse, back into a state of worry, where the things I HAVENT got/havent done, suddenly take up more head space, than the things I HAVE got. I know that's a symptom of obsessively thinking/insecurity too. My mum is a classic worrier, and can be quite negative also.

 

But I am confident I will turn that around. I already am starting too.

 

As for your small apartment...well I probably would grump! We are about to move into the top floor of a house, on the beach. It has wonderful views...only one bedroom though. Where will we escape each other now?...lol I shall really have to abide by the "only fight in the loungeroom' agreement, initiated last week by the psychologist. All other areas, including outdoors...are to be off limits. No fighting, no questioning...

[moimeme]

It has wonderful views.

 

Ah, well I do have a fabulous view. It's what makes the scrunchy living worthwhile. That and the pool downstairs

[Thinkalot]

do you look out on water and/or mountains? You certainly are in a scenic part of the world

[moimeme]

To the right it's a mountain and all the way around to a lighthouse. Out front, it's the city, the harbour, and the hills

[Thinkalot]

lovely

[Anais]

Originally posted by moimeme

To the right it's a mountain and all the way around to a lighthouse. Out front, it's the city, the harbour, and the hills

 

 

No wonder you are a happy person. I am so envy! I don’t have any nice view here. Changing my mind: I am not a happy person anymore.

 

I have pool, but it is not very useful now, it is outside. Going to cry.

 

[moimeme]

No wonder you are a happy person. I am so envy! I don’t have any nice view here. Changing my mind: I am not a happy person anymore.

 

I have pool, but it is not very useful now, it is outside. Going to cry.

 

You can put up posters of anyplace on the planet and look at them and pretend you're there!

[Anais]

I just have the world map. So I pick a spot, close my eyes and imagine I am there! It is easier than to close your eyes and imagine you already ate when you didn’t.

[Thinkalot]

Well, that is a lovely idea. I often feel happiest and most alive when I am travelling...I'll have to start daydreaming more